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Separating Finance from play

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Kiyattle​(switch male)
1 month ago • 03/29/2021 5:48 am

Separating Finance from play

Kiyattle​(switch male) • 03/29/2021 5:48 am
I've noticed quite a few accounts trolling around the site with a distinct financial bent to them. I'm not opposed to people paying for sex generally speaking, even though I don't but it seems to me that involving money in anything is a sure fire way to ruin something good.

Basically, how do you keep money separate from your interests in a world where sex work and simple fun can easily overlap?

I don't want anyone to have any sort of monetary hold over me, or vice versa, and I kind of hate how often people seem interested in money over just the enjoyment found in playing together.

What do y'all think? Am I being prudish, or is there a place for people like me who want to keep finance and play totally separate?
1 month ago • 03/29/2021 6:31 am
Villanelle​(staff) • 03/29/2021 6:31 am
A small aside: we do not allow any sort of financial domination or pay for play on THE CAGE. Please use our confidential reporting system to report these individuals.
SubtleHush​(sub female)
1 month ago • 03/30/2021 2:19 pm
SubtleHush​(sub female) • 03/30/2021 2:19 pm
Fin Domme, Financial play, blackmail play, and Dommes that just expect their male subs to rain money and gifts on them are real things. That is not to say they are healthy or in anyone's best interest except for the person getting the dough.

The short answer is there are those who will always take advantage and those who are either too easy or too wanting and will always allow.

I see them the same as I see those who write to ask me to use my Paypal account to help them with some international transactions. Using people is using people. This life lifts me up and I don't engage in any activity (especially financial) that drags me down.
yourbootsownme​(sub male)
1 month ago • 03/30/2021 5:21 pm
yourbootsownme​(sub male) • 03/30/2021 5:21 pm
There are many subs who enjoy a variety of comingling of submission and financial things (whether it is gifts, cash, etc.), and not exclusively as straight Findom. The key is understanding how and why someone might enjoy including that aspect, and being willing to draw the line between "I like this" and "this is a problem."

Sadly, this leads to newbie submissives (or those who think they MAY be submissive and wanting to explore that side of their personality) falling victim to Dommes/Doms who quickly approach them and demand money as if that's a normal, accepted, and EXPECTED practice within the community. "You'll be my slave, I will control you in all ways. Send me money." If you don't know any better, you might agree to those demands, believing it's necessary and expected as a doorway into fulfilling the fantasies you want to explore.

For me personally, none of this is a problem. I am very introspective and understand what I like, what works on me, and the occasional ways this topic ties into that. I explain this in detail to anyone I am involved with, or a discussing getting involved with on any level. That way, should they later try to move those lines, I can remind them that we explored how and where those lines are drawn and that they agreed to those expectations and terms.

And, with all that said, sites like The Cage and other Fetish/Kink sites discourage or outright ban users who declare themselves to be Findoms. I think there is a legal aspect to that decision which happened in 2019 or 2020.

I AM a member of a group on FB dedicated to this topic, but I'm there as a lurker only, enjoying the insane lies being told, the photoshopped accounts to prove the tens of thousands magically collected, and shaking my head at the new Dommes who think all they have to say is "send me money" and there will hundreds of bona fide willing people ready to do it. Usually they wind up asking the ones with the photoshopped accounts to "teach me how to do that."
1 month ago • 03/30/2021 7:33 pm
MrFulmen • 03/30/2021 7:33 pm
Here's how it works.

Cisgender men face massively lower risks around sexuality than people of any other gender. So there are way, way more of us who don't think twice about logging onto a kinky website and going straight to asking around for instant dirty fun.

Moreover, we are insulated enough from the risks that others face that most of us don't even realize those risks exist. When they're pointed out, many of us invest tremendous energy in denying or minimizing them. That means that the horde of men asking for instant dirty fun tends to be doing it in a polyannaish fashion, to be persistently befuddled by why no one (except for other cis men) wants to jump immediately onto their dick, and to stubbornly refuse to do even the simplest things to help non-cismen manage the risks that they face in dating, sex and kink.

So this mob of guys is frustrated, and horny, and committed to the fantasy that if they just find the right website they'll come to the Land of the Nympho Sex Dolls, where women stop worrying about sexual assault, harassment, stalking, slut shaming, stealthing, revenge porn and intimate partner violence. And where trans and nonbinary people exist as exotic fetish objects or not at all.

The Land of the Nympho Sex Dolls does not exist. There are only a few women who don't mind or don't notice the risks they face from dating and sex, and those few women will always have all the cock they want. But even if every one of them sucked ten dicks a day, there would still be a massive backlog of guys desperately hunting for something they are sure they're entitled to that just isn't there.

Y'know what you call that? That's called a market. Of bloody course there are commercial operators lining up to serve that market.


Have a laundry list of fetishes you want catered to, but can't be bothered to form a relationship with a person to cater to them? Pro dommes are standing by for you!

Want attention from a model-gorgeous woman in a thousand-dollar latex outfit, but haven't even posted a picture of yourself? That's totally reasonable! Just enter your credit card here.

Don't have time for all that tedious getting-to-know-you talk before getting to the dirty stuff? I *love* going straight to the dirty stuff for four dollars a minute!

Most girls are so prudish and worried about stupid things. You have no idea why and neither do we! Our operators using fake pictures, fake names, throwaway email accounts and blocked phone numbers agree with you that sexual harassment is a fake problem made up by man-hating feminists. Sign up today!

The Land of the Nympho Sex Dolls can be yours for only $9.99 a month!


If you want to separate finance from your kink life, don't act like a customer.

Acknowledge that this isn't simple fun for most people who aren't cis men. Learn a bit about the hazards that you don't have to worry about, and do what you can to minimize them. Seek out, and help to build, communities that prioritize the safety of less privileged people over the gratification of more privileged people. Connect with people as human beings before bringing in the sexy energy or the checklist of fetishes. And learn that when someone makes you an offer that sounds like it comes from the Land of the Nympho Sex Dolls, it's almost certainly a sales pitch.

If you do that, you can build yourself a kinky world where commercial operators are a very small presence. It takes some investment and some patience but, well, it just does. That vision of world where sex and kink are easy and bountiful and uncomplicated and free is a mirage. (Unless you're a man who wants to play with other men. In which case sign yourself up on Recon and knock yourself out.)
    The most loved post in topic
Kiyattle​(switch male)
1 month ago • 03/30/2021 8:52 pm
Kiyattle​(switch male) • 03/30/2021 8:52 pm
making a lot of assumptions about my behavior, as well as the behavior of other people around here. I don't appreciate that, nor do I appreciate being solicited or bombarded with requests for cash, or seeing it clearly advertised on peoples profiles. This is a place to lower social inhibitions so we can actually talk about the stuff we're into.
You kinda went off the rails with that one bud.
1 month ago • 03/31/2021 12:13 am
MrFulmen • 03/31/2021 12:13 am
I don't get bombarded with requests for cash. I haven't received a single commercial solicitation on this site. I have had a bunch of pleasant conversations with actual kinky people, and I've been propositioned for play or relationships by a few women who were not looking to get paid.

My life is full with as many partners as I can manage. I've never paid for sex or kink, though I have had a few relationships with women who did sex work. I go to the parties that the pro dommes go to when they *aren't* working.

I have been entirely successful in doing what you're asking about: getting a life of kinky abundance that isn't transactional. And I'm trying to give men who are sitting where you're sitting a pointer in this direction. You can listen or you can not.
Miki​(masochist female)
1 month ago • 03/31/2021 7:38 am
Miki​(masochist female) • 03/31/2021 7:38 am
Persdonally I don't think money and BDSM-- or any sexual situation mix.

It has its place as in a marriage or domestic partnership where there is hearth and home in the balance, but monetary "gifts" and so-forth in a sexual situation, IMHO-- don't mix (aside from little gifts, prizes and shit. I'm talking about the serious dough. No, no, no.)
SubtleHush​(sub female)
1 month ago • 03/31/2021 1:02 pm
SubtleHush​(sub female) • 03/31/2021 1:02 pm
yourbootsownme​, you said,

"There are many subs who enjoy a variety of comingling of submission and financial things (whether it is gifts, cash, etc.), and not exclusively as straight Findom. The key is understanding how and why someone might enjoy including that aspect, and being willing to draw the line between "I like this" and "this is a problem."

(There are many subs?
How many do you know in real-time and personally?
MrFulmen's post is spot on. It is no accident that kink sites often begin with female dominant or half-naked women images on the landing page and all-male choices preselected for sign-up. Female subs do not pay for attention. They do not pay male Dominants to be with them. Having said that you can pay for a pro who will be bottom or top for a price, Pandora's in NYC comes to mind. HBO did a Real Sex episode on them.)

As for regular people, while I do believe a little of everything is out there, if you find that scenario it is rare and odds are good there are other mitigating factors not on the surface that no one is talking about.

Kiyattle​(switch male) you said,
"making a lot of assumptions about my behavior, as well as the behavior of other people around here. I don't appreciate that, nor do I appreciate being solicited or bombarded with requests for cash or seeing it clearly advertised on people's profiles."

(Who says they're assumptions? Sounds like this man has been around a while and seen a lot. You not liking the answer or it hitting too close to home does not make it an assumption. )

"This is a place to lower social inhibitions so we can actually talk about the stuff we're into."

(That may be how you approach things but everyone on sites like this is not looking to lower their inhibitions. Some are looking to network with like-minded people they can eventually meet in real-time. Others are looking for partners. Inhibitions are not the only part of it. And a good number of people who are using sites like this to lower their inhibitions have that right, but others have the right to think it silly.)

"You kinda went off the rails with that one bud."

(You are wrong about that. You don't have to like it but many more people are taken advantage of than are offended by the truth.)