Differences between kink and lifestyle

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 11, 2021

Kinks and Fetishes get you off. Enhance your sex, give you a thrill. This helps you escape who you are inside.

A lifestyle is a way of living. Easy and hard at times, but part of you and motivating. This connects to who you are inside.

You can tell the difference by learning as much as you can and figuring out where you fit. Authenticity is the key.

Then you will find it easier to tell. People who want to start with sex, their physical endowments, their fun, and kink appetite, are probably not lifestyle folks. They are interested in right now, not vanilla or power exchange aspects of a relationship, not what life is like when you grow old together. Or doing the things that help you achieve long term.

You can be kinky and have fetishes and be lifestyle. However, for me, it's about what you lead with. Men who write to me about life, their interests, and can talk about more than sex. I take them to mean that they want me to know the whole man. They might also have had successful Ds relationships in their past.

Men who write to me and start with fetishes, how long they've fantasized about this, talk down to me like I'm garbage to step on, or how well endowed they are, etc. aren't interested in me knowing them as people. Nor are they interested in knowing me. For me, that is why cock shots and dirty talk are off-putting at hello. All I can think is, "I don't even know how you like your coffee but I know what your junk looks like? blech

Or you ask deeply personal sexual questions before even bothering to know what type of person I am?

It gets easier over time. And you don't let the ones you don't want to talk to get very far.
Where you fall on the divide is up to you. Neither is wrong per se.
But they are not the same thing or all one thing as some would want you to believe.

Be true to yourself.

K y i v • Mar 11, 2021

You got this!

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Mar 11, 2021

Sometimes when I’ve started the extensive discussions with a potential sub I’ve had my spidy sense start to buzz, an awareness that the kink side is more important than the lifestyle , yes they want to be tied to the bed, flogged, edges, forced, etc etc but it’s there to fulfill a physical need without any huge connection and that’s fine there are more than enough instas on either side of the slash to accommodate that
The ones that are here for the lifestyle weave a deeper understanding of themselves, where their hunger to serve comes from, that it’s not just a means to an end, it’s intrinsic to their very core and existence, they ask questions of me to understand whether our needs mesh, and whether I am able to satisfy all of their wants and desires , all of this before we even begin to get to the physical interactions!

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Mar 11, 2021

I saw this conversation and was going to post a long response, but I skipped it. Looking back, I realize why: I don't like labels. And I don't like to judge or categorize. What is just kink to some may be lifestyle to others. No matter how hard society or any social construct tries, words will always mean different things to different people. The only way to know anything is to have in-depth conversations including context.

There's another kink-related website I'm on where every day I see conversations about "Do Dommes like this?" or "How do subs feel about this?" or "Am I a BBW?" or "Is it appropriate for me to do this?" I can't get involved in those. Trying to set guidelines and rules and classify someone as A or B or G...it seems pointless to me. And in the end it will only result in more misunderstandings, because once someone has been stuck in a category, too often they are expected to fit all the supposed criteria for category. And who does? Who truly fits ANY category 100%?

I'm often reminded of the scene in Harold and Maude when they're in a daisy field, discussing what kind of flower they'd like to be. Harold, forever wishing he could fit in with the rest of the world, says he'd like to be "one of these" (a daisy).

Maude: Why?

Harold: Because they're all the same.

Maude: Oh, but they're not. Some are smaller. Some are fatter. Some grow to the left, some to the right. Some even have lost some petals. All KINDS of observable differences. You see Harold, I think a lot of sadness in the world is caused by people who are one of these (points to the daisy Harold is holding) but allow themselves to be treated as one of those (motions to the field of a thousand daisies).

I'm not even talking about celebrating the uniqueness of the individual. I'm just talking about RECOGNIZING that, despite all of the world's attempts, there is no way to sort people into accurate sub-sectors. Any person can have qualities that you or I may define as belonging to a definition, but those qualities rarely define them. Usually if they do, it's because those qualities are predominant and highly negative (murderer, narcissist, etc.)

And now that I've typed all this, I don't even know if it is in any way related to the initial question asked. Oh well...

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 11, 2021

I would also say that often it's a right now thing for those just looking to have fun. That is a numbers game. They won't give you much time. They want willing partners in crime. They want sexcapades so more than one or two messages and they get impatient.

Getting to know someone is a time consuming thing. So those who reject putting time in, are probably not looking to be part of the lifestyle which is bigger and has it's own markers. Such as socializing, learning/classes, having lifestyle friends, attending certain events etc. All will not apply to all people but some of these might be on your list of importance.

Also, I don't date marrieds or cheaters. They are better with others who share their situation. But there is often an assertion that the current relationship is sexless. So duh, what do you think they are looking for in me? lol

I already know that a) I'm not going to be in a long term with someone who has a primary. and b) if he did leave that person, how would I ever trust him if I became the primary?

So it often comes down to how you want your relationship to be.
Fast or slow,
Longer in duration or quick hits.
Fully involved or segmented.

These are juxtaposed in concept so you can't have it both ways.

There are also people who aren't cheating on anyone, they just want freedom. They want a side dish of you not a full meal.

I always focus on how much time they have. If we are 2 hrs apart and they have 2 jobs I already know that building a sustainable relationship (where we aren't rushing everything to make the most of our infrequent visits) is either going to be a lot of work or never going to happen.

None of it is bad across the board. You have to decide what would be bad for you.

But the hit it and quit people become easy to spot.

And if you read, "looking for casual but might be long term with the right one..."
Nope. Don't you believe it.

Exactly, very deep explanation

Evashine​(dom female) • Mar 11, 2021

Re: Differences between kink and lifestyle

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

Honestly time and paying careful attention. Anyone can say or pretend they want a deep connection but the more time you spend talking and carefully analyzing what they say/do the more obvious their intentions become. It takes time to know what they truly want. If they just want to sleep with you it becomes obvious fairly early on most of the time and honestly by profiles half the time. If they really want a deep connection you can tell by a few ways. 1)they will respect you, your decisions, and your boundaries 2) they will not rush you 3) they will not constantly focus the conversation around the physical aspects and kinks. 4) they will take their time with the conversations and put in effort to their responses 5) they will care about you, and not just their wants. I’d say those are some things to keep in mind. But really “time will tell” is kinda the golden rule with that kinda thing.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Mar 16, 2021

My quick hit for this is:

I am an open book. I will go on and on about my likes dislikes, ideas, fantasies, when asked. But if I am only talking to someone who is a "yes ma'am" (or yes slut... as the case may be) then I know fairly quickly that they are just agreeing with all the things I want... and they will likely deliver on none.

NO ONE connects on that level in this dynamic, we all have crazy fantasies and something specific about us. If my "perfect" compliment to my Sub>Alpha>Pet>Toy>Slave>Primal shows up in my inbox... you a damn liar.

Know yourself

SageFlame​(sub female) • Mar 21, 2021

I love your question.

The kicker is to avoid looking at someone with a magnifying glass hoping to see what your looking for.

Instead, define yourself, your values and desires. Hone in within. The value you seek in someone else is that which reflects your own. I'm not talking about love bombing where they mirror you or put you on a pedestal ( yuck).

Trusting your gut is key when vetting for a Dom. ( or sub for that matter) Reflecting back on how that person made you feel. Personally, I developed a filter over time just talking. The key that opened the door to more conversation was authenticity. Showing respect rather than telling me they respect me was important. Do you feel you can be your authentic self with them,? If not it isn't a healthy connection.

CSI • Mar 21, 2021

I love the phrase "showing respect rather than telling me they respect me was important." I think this is very fitting. I have had people tell me they respect me, but I didn't feel it from them. And being authentic is very important, I want my person to feel like "home" and I want to be the same for them as well.

Thank-you for giving me more to think on, everyone