Inspiring My Dom

Inspiring My Dom

rochellesub​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2022

Hello sirs!

This question is for you. My husband is my dom and doesn't have a high sex drive. Unfortunately, I do. He isn't much interested in the dom/sub world, but does it for me. How do I inspire him to be more in the mood when I am a submissive that doesn't like taking control?

All help appreciated!
A grateful sub,
Rochelle

Re: Inspiring My Dom

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Feb 9, 2022

So you're not interested in any suggestions from anyone of the female persuasion? "Hello sirs!"

FundamentallyDom​(dom male) • Feb 9, 2022

A few thoughts, and I will apologise in advance for this one because I'm going to raise some difficult issues. If they're not raised they won't get fixed and that may well be worse. The problem I see here is that he is doing something he's not really into, and he's not being open about what he is really into.

We all have different sex drives. Some are higher, some are lower. The first question I'd be asking is "Does he have a low sex drive overall, or does he have a low sex drive because he can't both get what he wants and completely be himself sexually?"

Desire very much starts in the mind. One of the most important things to having a great sex life is creating a space where both sides can be completely open about what they want, and can fantasise about getting it with a partner who'll be as into it as they are. You are never going to completely match, but you don't have to so long as you have a solid foundation of shared desires for the imagination to run wild with. That fantasy and anticipation and expectation is what both builds the sex drive and makes for great sex.

If both sides are completely open and accepted in what they want then they can let go and be themselves, this not only improves the sex life but also builds intimacy. If you have the opposite going on, then it's a big and deeply desired something that your other half has to squash and try to ignore and not get.

There's nothing worse for a sex drive than having to hide what you really want for fear of judgement. If he has to be someone he's not in bed then that is deeply damaging to the relationship because he will start to crave someone he can be himself with completely. To counter this you need to show your partner you are willing to listen, to accept what they need, and to want to explore how you can find ways to meet their needs, all without judgement.

This cannot come at the expense of you not being able to be who you are in bed or get what you need. You need to be able to know and accept each other deeply. That takes time and communication and it has to be handled very delicately.

If you're at the stage where you're coming here for help then it is probably at quite a tricky stage. The subject may already be an uncomfortable and awkward one for him and raising the topic may put him into a "how do I get out of here?" type of mindset because avoiding the conversation avoids the potentially more painful option of having to open up and risk a fight or judgement.

So you need to approach this very delicately. I would not advocate for a head on approach, you're firmly into the territory of needing to build intimacy and trust slowly over time to get to a stage where you can start to solve this and it's going to take work to get there. Unfortunately getting advice his way is not an option here so the bulk of the work is going to be on you.

So my advice on first steps would be to find times when he's stressed and then ask him how he's feeling and what you can do to make it better. If he clams up a bit then suggest non sexual ways to help. Maybe it's just getting him a beer, maybe it's taking a chore off his plate, maybe it's just being there to listen to the problem. Don't try to push solutions at him, the goal here is to be the safe space he goes to and confides in. The aim is to get him increasingly used to and comfortable with confiding in you and not being judged on other topics so it's an already entrenched behaviour before you start to ease slowly into more sexual territory.

Assume it will take months at least to fix and don't let it put pressure on the relationship. Once you are in a space where he is really comfortable confiding in you and being open without any fear of judgement then it's time to carefully start working out what really turns him on. There's a good possibility the first thing that comes up will be something you're really not into. When he first starts to open up there's a good chance it'll be something particularly frustrating to him because he knows you'll never want it and he'll never get it. That's okay though, the trick here is to fully accept his fantasy and not get caught up on it, use it to open the flood gates.

Be open that it might not be entirely for you but show that you're eager to learn more. Make it an exercise in exploring desires as opposed to a sticking point. Once you start to find things you both like, build on those. Enjoy those deeply and get him into that fantasy mode of expecting more of it. Once you're building a stronger foundation then it's time to start exploring how you can bring in more of the fringe cases.

None of this is saying how to make him more dominant. You can't change what he is internally. However once you start on the shared hungers, it encourages the kinks you share and he's in a space where he's really enjoying the sex and hungering for more of it, and that will help bring out the dominant aspects he does have.

You're married so there's no going back here, you're in a partnership and you need to make it work. I hope this is helpful for you and good luck!

DrWakko • Feb 9, 2022

First off this isn’t 1822 you are not stuck in this relationship.

Second submission isn’t about being told what to do. If you are watching tv you can ask him if he like a drink then go get it for him.

As for sexually you should talk to him. He may enjoy sex but for him he thinks sex is PIV. Maybe for him he might enjoy more oral and touching (both ways) more often than the PIV.

It’s all about communication. Sit down and talk and find a way for both of you to make it work and be happy.

DW

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Feb 9, 2022

EXTREME SNIP FOR FOCUS:



From a submissive's point of view (even though she specifically excluded us) I'd say the biggest issue is the fact that she calls him her "dom" but then immediately states he's NOT into D/s. Anyone who's not naturally inclined to dominance may very well grow to resent being tasked with being expected to function as one. He likely has no interest in taking over all the day to day decision making and having it pushed on him when he's unwillingly is a major imposition that would certainly affect his sex drive even further.

From my lowly point of view the most pressing issue is THIS problem rather than trying to forcefully get some kinky sex going. I'm just a clueless woman with over 25 years experience though. (and I'm apparently rather bitter over this slight)

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 9, 2022

How to inspire?

You could maybe try writing stories that include you and He and all the stuff you fantasize about. Put it down i story form that He can read. like erotic literature, except it's personalized. Some people lack imagination and/or are afraid to say what they want/need (or He may just not have those wants or needs), but i don't know any guys who are unaffected by porn or erotica.

Re: Inspiring My Dom

rochellesub​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2022

rochellesub​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2022

I’m so sorry! Yes please give me your perspective!

rochellesub​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2022

rochellesub​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2022

This is a great idea to hopefully share interests and spark conversation about what he may enjoy. Thank you!