Poly-tensions with same time-space

Poly-tensions with same time-space

red panda • Jul 23, 2022

Recently, I began to open to the possibility of establishing multiple committed sexual and/or romantic connections.
For me, this means that I am open to my partners having multiple connections, whether casual or committed, as well.
My partners and I communicate openly about being involved with other partners and I'm OK with this when we don't meet or have to occupy the same space.
However, as I start to step into this lifestyle, I'm finding myself challenged in how to deal when with"-ish" a partner or connection in BDSM or other sexually open physical spaces.
While I don't want to limit my partners in making other connections, the experience of, for instance, having an intimate moment with someone for them to be pursuing or myself being pursued by someone else shortly after just...does not quite work for me right now. Yet, philosophically, I want my partners to be free and open to pursue as they are attracted.
Is this unlearning that needs to be done? A boundary that needs to be set going forward (or at least an open conversation)? How do I know the difference?

Re: Poly-tensions with same time-space

Bunnie • Jul 24, 2022

I’m a bit confused by what you mean here. Could you please clarify a bit more?

Miki • Jul 24, 2022

What Bunnie said...

I read the original post-----and re-read it but it's confusing..

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From what I could divine from that veritable word salad (no offense intended. I just calls 'em as I sees 'em) is:

-You want to be open to an all-around poly situation where you and your partner are free to do things with others while still being committed to one another.

-- However you're also not comfortable with the various scenarios that can and will come about as a result.

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Short answer, it doesn't sound like this is something you really want to do. Not at heart.

This all seems like fun at first blush, but in practice it stands a good chance of being a pain in the ass.. Or a wart on one or more dudes' wangers.---- As in, having a potentially ever-widening circle of interchangeable playmates -- even with rubberized "protection" enhances the risk of one or all catching an STD.

Caution and a thorough think-through is Indicated.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jul 25, 2022

I believe I understand, though please correct me if my response doesn't seem to line up with the question.

There is a certain level of unlearning that may need to be done when approaching a poly situation for the first time. We are taught from birth by countless sources and in myriad subtle ways to hold tightly to those we love and valueto keep them from being stolen away by others.
These teachings hook deeply into our natural senses of self worth and the fears that stem from unhealthy concerns formed naturally because humans tend to worry, and nurturedly because we continue holding on to strangely puritanical practices in regards to sex and love.

While polyamory is a rewarding and naturally sensical pursuit, well worth the price, it certainly comes with an initial cost.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jul 25, 2022

Jealousy or envy is a natural part of any poly endeavor, and while the typical goal is to try and gain control over how these feelings affect you or the other participants, there is no guarantee that they will ever fully go away. To 'learn' and comfortably wield compersion takes time and proper practice. It is my experience that the 'don't ask, don't tell' approach to polyamory is often morally and logistically fatal for a number of reasons. I would seriously recommend reconsidering any closed mindedness you may hold on regards to at least meeting other partners. You don't necessarily have to dive into kitchen table polyamory, which is much more involved in the metamour sense (partners of your partners), but when a metamour remains a complete mystery, our active and paranoid imaginations tend to fill in the blanks in mythically problematic ways. Meeting your metamours and seeing them in their imperfect humanity might make a big difference for you.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Jul 25, 2022

redpanda, I'm not exactly sure what you are asking: are you having issues dealing with your partner having other partners or are you having second thoughts about being poly all together?

You come across as someone who needs to reevaluate your desires of being poly. In theory, it sounds wonderful and exciting, but it probably goes against what was instilled in you from an early age and now there is an inner conflict.

But I could be wrong....only you know.

red panda • Jul 30, 2022

Thank you all for the responses.

The original question (which I probably should have deleted, but missed the window) boils down to: could this be feels-wrong-because-it's-not-for me or feels-wrong-because-of-mono-conditioning?

And the situation is what, in a mono relationship would be a date night, but in the world of poly, you can be physically intimate with someone one minute and either you or they are pursuing others the next. And that takes some getting used to.

I'm not someone who thinks of poly as exciting or endless sex and newness. In fact, I am still trying to understand the distinction between polyamory and non-ethical monogamy (the latter of which I associate more with the newness idea). I am not in a primary connection at the moment. For me, it's simply an openness to the idea that the love, commitment, and/or intimacy that we usually associate with romantic relationships do not need to be limited to one monogamous primary partner at a time.

Perhaps that's where the conflict comes in. If poly is a spectrum, I'm more on the mono end of things. I may have multiple partners I am getting to know, but I'm no 7-11 open 24/7/365 if you know what I'm saying. Meanwhile, my partners might be in that newness camp, where they are always open and seeking. I don't want to restrict that openness, but internally, I have my own demons to work out.

red panda • Jul 30, 2022

And, yikes, the rabbit hole grows deeper...!

This is supposed to be ethical non-monogamy.

I'mME • Jul 30, 2022

Hi, How are you?

I am not in a poly, I am not anywhere on a spectrum that I could say I know all about poly. Lol, that is my disclaimer. What I will say is that I have been learning about poly, concepts, and quite frankly it's something that I would try under the right circumstances.
There is a podcast made by a poly couple that you may or may not enjoy. Every episode is not about poly, but I enjoy them. The Cage may have them listed, I will check and if not come back with a link if you are interested. She has written a couple books.
Anyhow I also belong to a couple groups, and learn a lot there. Good stuff and bad stuff. Lol. One group, I see a lot of unicorn hunters but actually they are couples whose relationships are in need of fixing, whether breaking up, therapy, whatever. But I have learned a lot. As far as hinge, kitchen table, triad lol, I don't have all those words/phrasing committed to memory yet. Maybe I never will, not a fan of pigeon holes.
I'm sorry don't mean to digress.
It sounded as if you are uncomfortable [correct me if I'm wrong] with actually being in the same physical space with someone you just spent time with and maybe their other partner [or yours] come into the same physical space.
Am I way off?

red panda • Jul 31, 2022

[quote="I'mME"][quote="red panda"]

Hello! Yes, at this time, I have an easier time accepting that my partners are involved with others when I don't see or hear details about them. It's tougher to deal with actually seeing someone go and be with another partner or potential partner right there in the same physical space. I wouldn't use the word uncomfortable, because too often I've experienced it as a way for someone to attempt to invalidate expressed boundaries, but I'll say it's a new experience, at the very least.

And thank you for the suggestions about the podcast and books. If you find the links, please do post them!