SubtleHush(sub female)
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2 years ago •
Apr 12, 2021
2 years ago •
Apr 12, 2021
acquiesced​(sub male)
Who's In Charge Here? "One that upon reflection has been difficult for me to wrap my head around over the decades. If a submissive says "I like to be spanked", or a dominant says "what do you like", who's really calling the shots?"
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In my experience, men don't like to guess their way through a relationship so it is practical for you both to engage in a serious conversation at the start. It's not about who is in charge because I don't believe "in charge" is there at the start. "Let's see if we like similar things and are compatible." is there I hope anyway. If you do your early communication well and decide to go into the dynamic, then at some point the sub/slave/bottom gives the Dom/Master/Top the control over what they do, for what reasons, and when.
Some Doms like to be asked for things but then it is up to them to say yes or no. (This is much more common than many will admit.)
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"Or is this just one pie slice of the BDSM dynamic, like "you do my kink and I'll do yours if we both agree?"
In a loose way perhaps, but reading that makes me think more about playing so in the moment each gets their kink scratched. Or switching which is also about the play and in the moment.
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I've met my share of what I call Brittle Doms. They spend their time worrying about who has control in every setting. They won't ask someone to play or engage in oral sex because it is submissive. They are locked into everything being a Top thing or a Bottom thing. Not all situations are.
It's like when your shirt doesn't fit right. You find yourself tugging and adjusting it every five minutes. When your shirt fits right you don't have to think about it at all. I find that true here. People comfortable in their own skin and in their own dynamic, aren't always tugging and adjusting it.
Which leads me to your last comment:
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"Sometimes I feel like the labels we give ourselves may not be the best gauge for compatibility."
Absolutely when you use them incorrectly.
Labels are good. We couldn't drive down the street without road signs. We couldn't get a job without labels.
People get into trouble with labels when they take on those that don't fit or are unearned.
And people don't like labels when they don't want to be limited or don't feel one fits.
I've read profiles filled with labels (manager, Ph.D., Aries, single, mountain climber) only to get to the end to read that the profile owner doesn't believe in labels.
If you are comfortable being female or male you don't have issues with that label.
If you are a Master Mechanic or Black Belt at martial arts you are fine with that label because you put in years to earn it.
It's only in situations like we are in where people don a label they haven't earned (and don't know what to do with)
Or reject labels for fear of being told they're doing it wrong. And yes, you CAN do some of this wrong. (Your Kink is your Kink and mine is mine.) Doesn't always apply. Sorry about that.
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