What if there's no fulfillment possible?

What if there's no fulfillment possible?

Vengeance • Apr 10, 2021

I'm new here and I can't seem to find any answers to my questions. It's as if nobody talks about it or maybe they just leave their relationships so I never hear about it. Either way, I'm so very happily married. My husband is amazing and he's the love of my life. But I have other needs, ones that he just doesn't seem to understand. I've been burying them for decades, since I was just a teen, and then, thanks to a horribly written book full of misconceptions, I was at least able to look into more things without getting stared at as if I'm a freak.

So now I'm attempting to talk to my husband and get him interested in learning more. I have a profession that allows me to study many of the aspects of BDSM and kink so I've been throwing myself into my work to help others, but this need of mine is like a horrible itch under my skin and I'm trying to find a way to give it up. I'm just not sure if I can. I'm willing to shut down this side of myself for my husband. He really is a very good man. It just feels like there is this constant emptiness. I'm sure that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. I actually even asked him if I could hire a professional for non-sexual interaction and he was against it. He only sees it as sexual and I don't, but he doesn't buy it. So... I guess I'm just looking for advice or mostly some support? Maybe a pat on the head and a heartfelt "there, there" is all I can really ask for right now.

Rivermxl • Apr 10, 2021

You are most certainly nowhere near alone on this. A lot of profiles here express that vanilla marriage has not fulfilled the whole person they want to be. I do not recommend you shut down a part that's so cleraly embedded into you.

You however are in a predicament. If your partner won't budge, and you shouldn't budge; something needs to bend before something breaks, either you or your marriage. As your partner, he has the severe responsibility to tend to your needs, at least the ones you can most definitely not tend to by yourself, if that is not possible, you need to be able to have those needs fulfilled otherwise, preferrably with his blessing. It's a process of education and it will always depend on his disposition to help you be the best you. I really can't say all I'd like to say through here but you will find support with us, you will find company and empathy. I wish you the best.

You can always reach out to me if you'd like to discuss it further, I really feel like there's a lot to this that you should know but I wanted to at least make it known that we're with you.

- River

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2021

Unfortunately, the reality of our human connections is that a relationship can be amazing and enjoyable and entirely fulfilling elsewhere, but still miss the mark. You are certainly not alone in this difficulty and should not consider yourself wrong for wanting something he cannot give you, despite giving you so much. In monogamy, it is sometimes necessary to accept that you will not get everything you want (I don’t want to harp, so that is all I’ll say in that note).
I would suggest you keep an open dialogue with him and keep looking for some sort of compromise that can provide you at least some of what you seek.
Kink is amazingly adaptable

Dragonlove​(sub female) • Apr 10, 2021

That is a hard situation. If you're not feeling fulfilled by your husband yoy may eventually start to resent him.

How is he reacting to your talks? Are you being totally open with him?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 10, 2021

You've contracted the bdsm virus, and it never goes away, ever. There's no treatment or cure, except to figure out how to fulfill it, which may ultimately include changing your environment.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2021

I know exactly what you're talking about as I'm in the same situation. Not being nor feeling fulfilled is a problem. You either deal with it or deal without it. At present I get to scratch my itch by answering forum posts and helping/ training others. I help the community where ever and how ever I may, without IRL interactions. My partner seems pleased with this as I'm not 'fucking whomever I want' as she puts it.

Miki • Apr 11, 2021

You said you started talking to him about it. That's a great beginning. But remember first and foremost, and it'll not be a bowl of cherries to live with, but if he can't get into it, don't force it. I have written this old cliche many a time:

"It's No Good if you Gotta Force It"

Therein lies the rub. This is no more fun to write than it will be to read.

You have the love of your life. You are happy except that one aspect of the relationship. I am not assuming that you are or would toss it all for carnal pleasure, but in general, there are uncounted people on this planet who go through life never finding one so special.

In my book, kink and "fulfillment" are an important but single piece of a much larger thing of beauty and it is not worth throwing away the best parts of what you have in your marriage.

What you have does not come along every day. A soul mate, partner, and friend.

In time and with age, sex drive and interest therein fades and disappears, but a long term, meaningful and loving relationship endures well into a couple's Golden Years.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 11, 2021

Miki, I have to disagree with you about 'a long term, meaningful and loving relationship endures...', but only in the context of this BDSM world. We are the 1% of the 1%. We draw ourselves outside the lines. There's a shallow part of Kink that is almost popular today, but those who feel the need deep down are rare. Did you know, in some countries you can be imprisioned or even executed for what we do? Think about that.

I'm semi-retired and unencumbered, and roaming the USA just observing and enjoying life right now. I can't help to think that the endless rows and rows of houses, with endless amounts of TV shows, Friday night cards, and the like are just contents in four bedroom coffins, waiting to expire. Sure, there are the cruises and beach vacations, but they all return to normalcy. Most people are like a steel ball in a bowl. They get stirred up every now and then and roll around the rim, but ultimately return to their happy, safe life.

At a certain age (or vanilla relationship endurance), you can't dip your toe in it. You have to jump in.

I say to the OP, GO FOR IT! Do whatever it takes. Take risks. Lead a double life if necessary. Because when you are taking your last breath on this planet you will be sorry for what you did not, not what you did.

Dragonlove​(sub female) • Apr 11, 2021

Vengeance, nobody is ever going to be able to tell you what the right answer is. You have to decide for yourself what you can and cannot live with.

I will say "there, there, it is ok" for you though.

Miki • Apr 11, 2021

Acquiesced: My turn to disagree with you. Perhaps a bit strongly, but you're a big boy.

You're speaking for the 1% of the 1% in which her marriage neither existed before or was based. To encourage her to cheat, run off all for the sake of BDSM and by extension lust, is just plain wrong.

Just because your marriages didn't last and I don't do commitments does not mean that in the end, after the hormones dry up, the most important thing left is familial companionship for the lucky ones who find it and are capable of participating in it. ---, a deep if transformed love (Love never stays the same, Love evolves) and friendship.

So she follows your advice, runs off, throws everything away for "fulfillment" and then what? Except for the sprinkling of marriages that started out and continue in a BDSM dynamic, most such relationships last 2 or 3 years, tops. Dominant or sub invariably get bored with the same old shit and want to see what's new in town.

Then what does she have left?

From a dom's perspective, "So you dumped the love of your life for this. How soon can I expect you to run off to find a greener pasture?"

Or she meets a dom who gives her all the thrills and chills she seeks, but she wakes up one day to an empty bed and if she's lucky a note that says "Thanks! See Ya 'Round!"

An old TV sitcom joke, it's called "Slam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am!"

Advising any married person to ditch what they describe as the love of their life and is missing but one relatively fleeting element is just plain wrong.

How you live floats your boat. I'm happy for you. But please avoid projecting. None leads a one-size-fits-all life.


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I'm sure you will rebut. Have at it, Chum, but I have said all I intend to say here. As Dragonlove said, none on this thread can give a truly "right" answer to her dilemma. That she will have to solve all on her own.

Who knows, maybe the husband will be willing to try adding a kinky element to their playtime. In that event this entire string of replies will be moot.

Here's hoping.