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Communicating your likes and needs as a submissive

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Truppensturm​(sub male)
1 month ago • 04/30/2021 4:18 pm
Truppensturm​(sub male) • 04/30/2021 4:18 pm
SubtleHush wrote:
Truppensturm
"In the moment itself, I still feel its up to the dominant partner to do with that information what he wishes to do. A safeword is all the more important then."

...................You are totally entitled to your view. And I'm sure when I was new that the idea of being taken and understood at his will was thrilling. However, I encourage you to look at your value and be protective of it. If you wouldn't lend a person your car, your credit card, or let them house sit, dog sit, or babysit, or even meet your parents... then I suggest you park the fantasy and do the upfront work.

Lest you trust them with your mind, body, and heart prematurely. Not everything is mendable.

Sometimes people come to this type of relation with more fantasy than knowledge or skill.

I liken it to the guy at the Lamborghini dealership. Those cars are so pretty, and it would be natural to want to run your hand over it. Or sit in the drivers' seat and grip the wheel. Some might even make "broooom brooooom" noises when they do. In truth, you don't just hop into a high-performance vehicle and hit the gas. That's how people crash (some of them before they even pull out of the lot.)

We have many who "look" good behind the wheel. Your trust in them should wait until you know they know how to drive. That takes more than you handing them your laundry list and letting them decide what to do with it.

"I am happy I made this topic, as I (and hopefully some others) have gotten much valuable information out of it."

...................I am happy too. You never know who you are helping with one simple question.

Hey @SubtleHush

Thank you for your reply. If there's anything I have learnt about myself the last couple of years is that If i feel comfortable with someone, I give them my trust very quickly. I let my guard down easily and put myself in positions where I can end up hurt. I like to see the good in people and trust them easily, though I like to think I have a pretty good read on most people. It helps a lot to know what you want, so you can filter out everything you don't want.
Truppensturm​(sub male)
1 month ago • 04/30/2021 4:09 pm
Truppensturm​(sub male) • 04/30/2021 4:09 pm
LordofPain56 wrote:
Let me approach it from this prospective. During the years when I was looking, I had a detailed profile that told what my proclivities are so that people reading it could decide if that was what they wanted or not. And if someone decided to make contact and a relationship was possible, I would give her a list of things she could check as like or dislike (and there were other lists covering lifestyle stuff, etc). After she had completed those lists and submitted it back to me, there would be a date set for final acceptance prior to which we would verbally talk out and/or compromise certain things that we saw in each others lists. If a deal-breaker is found, bye-bye and nobody gets hurt.

This is a bit off-topic, but does a Dom expect sub to contact them or vice versa?

I love your approach btw, very clear.
SubtleHush​(sub female)
1 month ago • 04/30/2021 12:55 pm
SubtleHush​(sub female) • 04/30/2021 12:55 pm
Truppensturm
"In the moment itself, I still feel its up to the dominant partner to do with that information what he wishes to do. A safeword is all the more important then."

...................You are totally entitled to your view. And I'm sure when I was new that the idea of being taken and understood at his will was thrilling. However, I encourage you to look at your value and be protective of it. If you wouldn't lend a person your car, your credit card, or let them house sit, dog sit, or babysit, or even meet your parents... then I suggest you park the fantasy and do the upfront work.

Lest you trust them with your mind, body, and heart prematurely. Not everything is mendable.

Sometimes people come to this type of relation with more fantasy than knowledge or skill.

I liken it to the guy at the Lamborghini dealership. Those cars are so pretty, and it would be natural to want to run your hand over it. Or sit in the drivers' seat and grip the wheel. Some might even make "broooom brooooom" noises when they do. In truth, you don't just hop into a high-performance vehicle and hit the gas. That's how people crash (some of them before they even pull out of the lot.)

We have many who "look" good behind the wheel. Your trust in them should wait until you know they know how to drive. That takes more than you handing them your laundry list and letting them decide what to do with it.

"I am happy I made this topic, as I (and hopefully some others) have gotten much valuable information out of it."

...................I am happy too. You never know who you are helping with one simple question.
LordofPain56
1 month ago • 04/30/2021 3:50 am
LordofPain56 • 04/30/2021 3:50 am
Let me approach it from this prospective. During the years when I was looking, I had a detailed profile that told what my proclivities are so that people reading it could decide if that was what they wanted or not. And if someone decided to make contact and a relationship was possible, I would give her a list of things she could check as like or dislike (and there were other lists covering lifestyle stuff, etc). After she had completed those lists and submitted it back to me, there would be a date set for final acceptance prior to which we would verbally talk out and/or compromise certain things that we saw in each others lists. If a deal-breaker is found, bye-bye and nobody gets hurt.
cerealKiller​(sub female)
1 month ago • 04/28/2021 8:52 pm
cerealKiller​(sub female) • 04/28/2021 8:52 pm
Hi. I’m a female sub and new to this as well , but if your dom knows everything about your likes and dislikes, he or she can then choose what they give you. They are in control of your pleasure. Just my opinion.
Truppensturm​(sub male)
1 month ago • 04/28/2021 8:40 pm
Truppensturm​(sub male) • 04/28/2021 8:40 pm
Hello @SubtleHush

Thank you for your reply!

I fully agree with that you said. I still stand by my point that I want to submit myself to the will of the dominant partner, but reading your posts and others their posts, I fully realise that this is only possible when you have talked lengthily and in depth beforehand about you what you expect, what your limits are, what you like, ... So in that sense I understand now that its important to communicate your likes and needs in advance!

In the moment itself, I still feel its up to the dominant partner to do with that information what he wishes to do. A safeword is all the more important then.

I am happy I made this topic, as I (and hopefully some others) have gotten much valuable information out of it.
SubtleHush​(sub female)
1 month ago • 04/28/2021 3:07 pm
SubtleHush​(sub female) • 04/28/2021 3:07 pm
Truppensturm
Communicating your likes and needs as a submissive
----------Your English is fine.

"So what I wonder is, do you as a sub communicate your likes, wants, needs to your dominant partner?"

---------Absolutely. We're all different. At different levels of this and possess different amounts of knowledge as well."

"I find it unusual perhaps that as a submissive you would communicate your likes to a dominant partner. To me that seems contradictory with "to submit". If I translate it to my own language and look for the meaning of "to submit" it means you do what someone else wants you to do."

---------So let's look at it differently. You need to buy a dress and walk into a store and the sales clerk asks what do you need? You say "a dress."

There are many dresses and sizes but they won't all fit you. Or won't be right for what you need.

You need to give the clerk more info. If you want a dress you can wear a lot that fits you well, you need to do more work than that.

Now that clerk might want to talk you into a very expensive dress that isn't really what you're looking for because she gets a commission. And she would succeed if you didn't do any thinking about what YOU needed or why YOU needed it right?

Then you would be unhappy. The dress would feel strange on you and in the end, you'd go try and find another dress.

---------Submission, surrender, or even the slave heart, those things take time. You may be naturally one of those things but you evolve into that state with your partner. So before all that you need to get to know each other. You need to get to find out what you are each shopping for.

Because you both want something, someone, who fits right. At hello. During introductions, you talk about your desires and needs because we can't all be a match and some people will have very different views on Ds or Ms. So for both to be happy requires upfront work first.

Some will try to rush you into agreeing to things but our moniker. SSC means Safe, Sane, and INFORMED consent. Thus you must be understanding of what you are agreeing to.

And as I like to harp... you must learn things on your own since some people in this realm are indeed dangerous and you might not know that if they are telling you how they see things even when they might be wrong.

I also harp on having "deal-breakers and must-haves." But I'll get that posted in my blog if it isn't already there.

H*
Jack of all doms​(dom male){FearlessBr}
1 month ago • 04/22/2021 1:32 pm

The key to being a good lover is...

Interesting topic.

The key to being a good lover whether its a BDSM relationship or just vanilla one is knowing what your partner is looking for and delivering it.

That requires they know what they want and they communicate that to you. If you want to please whomever your with this knowledge is the secret to being a great lover because the greatest sex organ is the brain.

Everything else flows from this knowledge, or lack of this knowledge. It's at least as much about the about the mental approach as the physical in my experience, sometimes more about the mental approach.

This why I view getting to know my partner as a person is the first step in learning to please them sexually. Sex isn't a separate compartment wallled off from the rest of a person. Rather it is a continuation of a their personality, past experiences, desires, wants, etc., etc. To be able to please someone you must know them in toto, not just their kinks, but the person behind the kinks as well, e.g., what causes those needs/desires/wants.

Sometimes that means exploring this with them because they may not know this about themselves. The biggest compliment I can get as a lover is to be told I know or discover things my partner wasn't even aware of but we discovered together.
Truppensturm​(sub male)
1 month ago • 04/21/2021 7:24 pm
Truppensturm​(sub male) • 04/21/2021 7:24 pm
Hey @Bunnie happy to see you can also relate to what I said. And yes I agree you do what feels right for you. But a lot of things that have been said here are valid concerns/tips that I will take to heart. Of course safety is the biggest priority.