Who is really in charge?

Who is really in charge?

TheEdge​(other male) • Oct 31, 2017

So we are talking in the chat room and it gets brought up that submissives are the ones who are really in charge in the lifestyle.because they are the one who set limits and consent to different things but that is so not the way I see it.
I do not think submissives in charge but at the same time I know what everyone means and where they come from when they say subs are the one in charge.
It is being said that only subs by submitting give the dominant the power...

so here is what I think when I hear that . I think yes if they do not submit then there is no power for the dominant. but if there is no dominance there is no one for them to submit to . so no ones really in charge here in that sense. you know what... I think asking who is really in charge is the wrong question here its not about being in charge they both need each other to complete each other. subs need Dominants to be in charge and dominants need to be in charge .

share your thoughts please see if we can make a sense out of this.

DrWakko • Oct 31, 2017

I think the reasons for saying a submissive is in charge is the word "NO / STOP". That power can bring someone going full speed to a screeching halt. If every time you play or everything you do as a Dom pushes your submissive to their limit then a Dom might hear the term "NO" more.

A D/s relationship is about trust. Its about being the ying to their yang. Its not about finding out just how many bruises one can leave on a butt or how bloody can you leave your submissive.

I think those who are in successful and healthy D/s relationships don't think about this question because they complete each other. Crossing each others lines isn't even a thought, because they have open lines of communication and respect each others boundaries.

domjay37​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2017

wakko i couldnt have said it better

Villanelle​(staff) • Oct 31, 2017

Great topic!

The sub should never feel powerless. If the sub thinks he or she can't say no or has no way out of a dangerous or upsetting situation, it's time to step back. A healthy D/s dynamic allows for the submissive to share opinions and to withdraw consent at any time. This doesn't mean the submissive is in charge, it means they have a say, that they are a willing, thinking, equal partner. Who wants to be in a relationship with any other type of person? That's a good question for all of us to consider. Powerful, confident, compassionate individuals don't seek out people who are broken that they can manipulate. But there are those who do and unfortunately you those types exist in pretty much every BDSM community, online or off. If someone wants to isolate you or dismisses all your thoughts and feelings because it's "kinky" and "you're just the sub", be careful.

All of that being said, there are plenty of subs that use bad behaviour to attempt to manipulate the dominant. That's the surest way to lose my attention. I will always have the final say and last word, but that's because that's what we've both signed up for. When the sub stops doing their bit, I am not going to dance to their tune to get them to comply. I am just gone. So last word goes to me

Enslaved?

Englishman • Nov 2, 2017

Is it not that, if the sub feels powerless he/she is no longer a sub, but rather, a slave?

T slave​(sub female){Owned} • Nov 3, 2017

Well I am a slave but that was my choice and that choice gave my Master total control. However as Dr. Wakko said I made that choice after knowing my Master very well and knowing I could trust him. Even though I am a slave I know my Master has my back at all times.

There is no power play, there is only a mutual respect for one another.

It is like a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. They are good by themselves but magic when they are put together!

Balance progression

Wycked_lil_witch​(dom female) • Nov 3, 2017

For me, at least , the goal has always been to become one Dominant/Submissive. A symbiotic existence both so connected to the other there was not separation. Is that a dream or fantasy, probably. Is it achievable, most certainly, but it requires of us that which is so hard for A/all of us to give , and that's Power. Not in the I have it, or you have it, but it is given by both to We. When it stops being you and I, and becomes truly We will we have reached Nirvana, dont know never made it that far. The only answer for this question can be We, We have the Power

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 19, 2017

To dom is to "be in charge". To assert control over another. And yet to sub is to control where the line is. When it's "just play" this is actually more of a technical affair, not a lesser one. The reason being that people that know each other well simply know each others comforts and discomforts better. Meaning people that know each other well can look after each other more efficiently. This doesn't just come from controlling each other, it comes from "knowing" each other. And that's a two way street.

The sub has the power in terms of how far they can be pushed. And in what ways. Yet if those ways don't appeal to the dom, who decides to push in what ways, it is all for naught. One can not exist without the other. A sub might want their lines and limits to be pushed. Or perhaps not. Yet might enjoy things that are done anyway. This too can happen on the flip side. A sub that talks back to a dom for example. This might warrant punishment. Does it drive a wedge between the two or bring them closer? It's not unlike "Directing a conversation". Pick the wrong words, make the wrong moves and it goes south. But "Put it like that" and things can go smoothly. What I'm getting at is that it's as much about "how" things are gone about then the activity itself. Even a sub can be "in charge" when it comes to something more specific. Yet have no control at all once they're put on the spot in another situation. The dom has to inspire the sub. Give the orders. Put them in line. Yet the sub needs to look after the dom. Make sure they're not crossing "their" line. Pushing "their" limits. Too much or little pressure either way can muck things up for both. More of a factor when you don't know each other well. Less so once you're closer and willing to make each other happier.

To that end who's in charge of another's happiness? Someone once told me our own happiness is often outside of our own hands. Likely because we make "others" happy. That's a power we all have.

Kal Foster​(dom male){felicia} • Nov 19, 2017

There is a saying that a leader without followers is just a guy taking a walk. As I see it, so to is a Dom without a sub. Then the power exchange occurs. A submissive relinquishes power to the Dominant in varying degrees that fit the relationship, all long the spectrum right up to slavery or total surrender.

A submissive’s right to say, “NO” or “STOP” is not meant to be power. It is meant to be a safety issue, and to ensure limits and thresholds are not crossed. A good Dom understands that the ability to say “No” makes the sub feel safe and loved. A good sub uses these options sparingly in order to please the Dom, so the Dom feels respected and loved.

Now, should the sub start using “No” and “Stop” inappropriately to manipulate the situation, then the sub is likely topping from the bottom which is not submission. It may also be brattiness which is a challenge to the Dom, which may or may not be part of the dynamic. The Dom should be able to sense the difference between the proper and improper use of “No” and not be afraid to call the submissive out on it. And then it is up to the Dom to correct the behavior if it falls into these latter categories.

On the other side of the coin, submissives, if you EVER deal with a tin god “Dom” who tells you you’re not truly a submissive if you use safe words, then don’t walk, RUN. That’s not a Dom. That’s a bully.

Good topic, and good exchange of ideas going on here!

Lori Van Pelt​(dom female) • Nov 19, 2017

I am a Domme and you can bet your ass I am the one in charge ALWAYS.... my sub may have his limitations and hard limits but.... I am the one running the show and telling him what to do and how to do it..... you can bet your ass on that