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acquiesced​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 6:50 pm

Demisexual

acquiesced​(sub male) • 04/22/2021 6:50 pm
I just discovered this label and it suites me more than anything else, especially as I wander into the sunset years of my life (because of life's experiences).

"A demisexual is someone who feels sexual attraction to someone only once they've emotionally bonded"

There are a few unspoken BDSM core principles that I've believed in since I was very young, this is one of them:

BDSM is not a 50/50 dynamic. Relationship equality is what vanilla people strive for. Where the dynamic is closer to 90/10, it becomes very interesting. Both can have experiences that typical 50/50 relationships cannot. I think being demisexual opens the door to migrating from 50/50 to 90/10. The chemistry (and thus attraction) is created in this process. At least that's how it is for me. Both of my previous relationships were with gorgeous women, but my attraction deepened as I got to know them.

Oh, and about sunsets, I'm still very active, I just chase sunsets now rather than wait for them icon_wink.gif.
Dragonlove​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 8:31 pm
Dragonlove​(sub female) • 04/22/2021 8:31 pm
Does it mean "someone ONLY sexually attracted to someone they are emotionally connected to"?

I honestly am asking because I don't know. It is beautiful either way.
acquiesced​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 8:48 pm
acquiesced​(sub male) • 04/22/2021 8:48 pm
Dragonlove, I take this (and all other lifestyle definitions) with a grain of flexibility salt. I think the key idea about demisexual is that attraction is based on getting to know someone, not just their physical appearance, or intellect (sapiosexual).

For example, as I learn about a woman through interaction, I either become more and more attracted to her or less and less. Physical attributes that may not have been appealing to me at first, under the right circumstances, become my obsession. And the opposite can be true. If I am initially attracted to physical attributes (I like boobs and heels, and long hair), they become even more so when the chemistry is right (often sending me into lala land just thinking about her).
OraclePollon​(sub female){AlphaWolfe}
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 8:57 pm
I am sure it varies, like most things.

I consider myself a Demisexual. Does this mean I have never had a one night stand? No. But they are only one night and I dont catch feelings. I mentally know what it is going in.

To me, it is you have to build that connection with them. It is not like "I am going to fall in love with my best friend because I have known them forever" nope. I know them intimately and they spark in me friendship, it is mental, it is hard to flip that switch once compartmentalized. Just like I can't go back to an ex for just a "casual fling" I know your mind, and it repulses me to you sexually now.

Also why we can be tricked so easily by narcissists and liars. We find potential sexy. Someone wanting to achieve something greater than themselves. It is pretty much irresistible. Combine that with their willingness to be vulnerable... and I am a puddle. But so few people can manifest action to support their fantasies... and that is where we walk away. I dont even see the physical most times. (Body blind? Lol. Kidding of course... I still love a cowboy hat on my Sir). But I will never stray because of it, because the spark is in my mind, not my skin. I couldn't find a "fling" if I wanted to, that decision would have to be made long before I would even start to be unfaithful. I am incapable of "crime of opportunity" possibilities.

Now these traits could be a combination of things, but one of which is my DemiSexual nature.
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acquiesced​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 8:59 pm
acquiesced​(sub male) • 04/22/2021 8:59 pm
"Just like I can't go back to an ex for just a "casual fling" I know your mind, and it repulses me to you sexually now."

Nailed it
Dragonlove​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • 04/22/2021 9:02 pm
Dragonlove​(sub female) • 04/22/2021 9:02 pm
Well hell, pretty sure I'm demisexual too.

I love the connection more than anything. That spark of attraction needs to be there a tiny bit. Also need intelligence because I don't want to feel like I'm talking to a high schooler lol. But that soul to soul connection. Where you can see a tiny bit of yourself that matches. That is what I love more than anything.

Overall, it is like you said, everything is so fluid and has many translations.

Ty for sharing your thought
Betty Tails​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • 04/23/2021 6:21 pm
Betty Tails​(sub female) • 04/23/2021 6:21 pm
No sense or depth of personality (or worse - a two-dimensional, heart-shaped personality) = 0% attraction

I love layers in all aspects of my life - fucking, fore-play, sexuality, art, music, people, food, ideas, humour, experiences. You could say I'm addicted...

Demisexual, sub (I am not so willing to use this label at the moment - I need to learn and explore), bottom, top, straight-bi-lesbian (orientation is a massive sliding scale - I find the specific labels hard to swallow, if I am attracted to soul/personality/intellect/connection, bi or any derivitave is superseded by the demi concept), pan, goddess, object/furniture...... I have so many labels that I could identify myself with and I sure as hell don't want to limit my journey of experience by restricting myself from all the possibilities available in the vast grey space of inbetween and undefineable.

If an ambiguous, meaningful or loaded kink term/label is used in conversation, I like to understand its meaning and relevance to me and the dynamic
by exploring other perceptions/interpretations, obtaining further insight and exploring personal feelings toward the concept and its place in my/our world. Paradoxically, I find language simultaneously fascinating and limiting in its ambiguity and incompetence at conveying ideas and feelings. We need labels but they have the potential to distort, constantly.
Richlydefined​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • 04/23/2021 7:37 pm
Richlydefined​(sub female) • 04/23/2021 7:37 pm
I've recognized myself as demi for a while now. I am unable to have one night stands or casual sexual relationships. I need to feel like the person I'm with is someone I know well and actually wants to have a long team connection with me. It takes me a long time to form attachments to people meaning I need time and no pressure casual interactions for a significant time before I can even think about intimacy with someone. I've read that a lot of demi people tend to fall for long term friends and I can completely understand that because while I can see an attractive person and appreciate them if I think about potential partners I think only about people I know well as candidates. The older I get the more that list shortens and It's disheartening to constantly worry that you will and up alone because you can't just be like everyone else.

Thats why it is essential for me to have good friendships with people within the community if I want to have a D/s relationship but more often than not I know people get bored with me because I'm just not interested in anything more than that for so long. Being demi is terribly frustrating when you know what you want but you just don't feel close enough to anyone to try and make your dream a reality with.
Dragonlove​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • 04/23/2021 9:17 pm
Dragonlove​(sub female) • 04/23/2021 9:17 pm
Richlydefined, I fell for a very good friend once too. It didn't work out because while he was an amazing friend, he was not worth more than that.

Don't give up. You can always make some amazing friends anyway icon_smile.gif
Kiev
2 weeks ago • 04/23/2021 9:34 pm

Demi

Kiev • 04/23/2021 9:34 pm
One can never simply exit the friend zone. Sums up my experience in that matter.

I, for one, cannot see the investment needed for a long term BDSM relationship existing on a perfunctory level.