I want to talk about Ghosting

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 26, 2021

Defender(dom male) said "Enjoy the roses, forget the turds."

Roses all have thorns. It goes with the territory.
Respecting those hurt feelings, giving them a place, a voice so they don't end up stuffed in a bag festering is a good idea.

Anyone??

Rivermxl • Apr 26, 2021

I bring a simple example: I believe I was ghosted by someone to whom I reached out to because this person was on a crisis due to having been ghosted several times by potential partners. Maybe once won't do the trick to break someone but over time, drops of water will break concrete.

The "me" part of this was that I didn't step up as knight in shining armor, I just offered stability. Literally in the form of "I won't ghost you unless I die or the internet collapses", this person took the deal and well, trust me when I say that it is very likely that I was ghosted by this person afterwards, which is a particularly nasty context of ghosting.

It maybe is not like being stabbed or heartbroken but there's no way to calculate the damage that this bad habit has done; and as such, I openly opose it.

Yes, I did vent a little there, apologies.

- River, coming back to the forums from limbo.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 26, 2021

For those 'mature' people out there, remember when the phone would ring and you didn't know who it was until you answered? Those days are gone forever, my friends.

Miki • Apr 27, 2021

[quote/] I think you misunderstood the "System" it is not mean to protect the perpretrator... Reread and see that it is to protect the affected. The one who could be burned or hurt. To prevent them being that. Since you have never been that, I can see why you would automatically think this was in defense of the "Ghost-er" why would you get burned or hurt, if the whole purpose of the length of time committed, was to prevent hurt or burned? Specifically in response to what was said. Not generically.

But this bring up the same point. Those who are getting hurt/burned are the only ones affected, so why be affected, when it is only detrimental to personal well being and in extreme cases, entitlement.[/quote]

I re read and still seems to indicate that it's OK to ghost if you have been ghosted by another, all the while it seems to codify such behavior in an endless vicious cycle.

Being stoic, indifferent, "resilient" is all fine and dandy. Stoic? I am on depression meds and they work quite well but for a prominent side effect--- I don't give much of a fuck about what anyone thinks or says about me. Not beyond a "high level" general impression which isn't saying much.

But it seems, ------- and perhaps your post is worded in such a way that it just doesn't compute for me----- But what my takeaway from it all is that one must have a thick hide, and roll with the punches because it's totally OK for ghosters to keep landing proverbial "body blows" on people.

It's like saying "It's OK to ghost and treat human beings like yesterday's trash, they just have to toughen up and take it."

----------

If I am still reading you wrong.. my bad. This is my last puff of hot air on this thread.

But the core of what I mean as My Opinion stands.

Ghosting is done by losers too afraid to say "See ya" and if the other party wants to know why, one can say as little as "I'm done talking." or to be really bold and straightforward if such is the case, "I don't want to talk to you any more. You suck." At least they said something and can freely go their own way having discharged the duty of "decency".

Bare-ass honesty is never as wrong as ghosting. In fact it is not a stretch to say "ghosters" get off on treating people like crap.

One last: A system that DOES work, sometimes quickly but usually slowly. It's called "Karma".

What goes around comes around. I take supreme satisfaction in knowing that.

enigmatic • Apr 28, 2021

I believe the level of hurt by being ghosted is commensurate to the level of emotional intimacy given to the other. Some people open up easily and can share every thought with others. But for some, to share their deeper thoughts and true self is much more meaningful.

I have not been ghosted by someone I dated . It was by a good friend of the same sex. I would have said we were very close, but she found a new best friend when I was not available all the time. It really did hurt because of how much I opened up and shared.

So it's my guess that when one party has shared some degree of emotional intimacy, it hurts quite a bit to be discarded without a word.

Aquilla​(dom male){ • • •. [} • Apr 28, 2021

It really takes so little to say "No thank you".
When I am ghosted I console myself with the thought that the ghoster just saved me a lot of trouble.
High-value people value people highly and can at least say goodbye when they leave. Low-value people do you a favor by ghosting you.

DrWakko • Apr 28, 2021

I think people make a much bigger deal about being ghosted than it really needs to be. Some people look at being ghosted as "someone you are talking to then they stop talking" other look at it as "someone you are in a relationship with and they stop talking to you". If you are being ghosted by someone you are in a relationship with then I can see where that would be a big deal. However, most of the ghosting that happens is two people are talking and someone develops feelings and the other stops talking.

I think this is only a big deal for the internet culture. Being on this site you have the ability to message several hundred people at once. You can find out really quick if you are compatible or even really interested. It is very easy to go from one person to to another to another. For most people all you know is text. You might get a picture or two, but thats about it. For what ever reason there will be someone who isn't fully into you and will move on to the next. Since there is no full connection (face to face) there is nothing that anyone really looses.

If someone stops talking to you, move on. Go find someone else to talk to. There is no reason to be upset or get upset by this. You haven't spent much personal energy on that person. its more work to be upset that someone stopped talking to you, than it is to find someone new.

DW

MountaintopMaster • Apr 28, 2021

I agree with those who believe that if you're in a well-established relationship, even if it's "just" online, then ghosting is absolutely a real scummy move. Whatever side of the slash you are on, be an adult and part ways like respectful human beings.

It is the grey area between long-term/long-distance relationships, and the "one or two flirty hellos", that there is so much potential for unnecessary confusion or emotional harm.

Personally, I draw the line at "hooking up." If I'm chatting with someone new and sparks fly and clothes come off, or there is any sort of getting into cyber-pants whatsoever, then I expect there to be aftercare given/received, and no ghosting "later". I've been on the receiving end of a ghosting once or twice, and it still felt super crappy, despite being a dominant-leaning guy with relatively thick skin. I would never wish such an experience on someone else, especially a submissive who is relatively new to the scene.

Overall I've made some great friends on The Cage, and a few have had strong staying power, while a few others eventually drifted away. But whenever I reconnect with one of the latter, we always seem to feel mutually accountable for the communication diminishing and, indeed, "it's all good".

Now, about the "should we collectively try to do better?" aspect of this discussion:

Yes. The onus is on the assholes who ghost, NOT those who feel deeply hurt by being ghosted, especially if the relationship is far enough into the grey area that a general consensus of others would agree that there should be some sort of "goodbye conversation".

On the one hand, "it's just the internet, get over it!" used to fly as a reason to just grow some thick skin and not feel hurt over being ghosted. That's generally good advice... Don't be hurt if you think you just made a really strong, meaningful connection, ...and then the peson vanishes. It happens!

On the other hand, and in my opinion, like it or not but online relationships are going to be a very big part of human society. And, well, we all need to be less shitty human beings, period.

It's up to all of us to set the status quo. Heartless, self-centered people only get away with abusing more vulerable people because "we all" have allowed it to be an acceptable societal norm, especially on the internet. Generally speaking, the anonymity of the internet has emboldened people to say and do horribly mean things that they would have never gotten away with in real life. That needs to change.

Unfortunately, I have no brilliant ideas for how to change the status quo and "just do better/set a better example", aside from simply having conversations like this, sharing our own experiences, and letting it be known that if you're one of the scum who thinks it's OK to just vanish from a long-term online relationship, or even just a fleeting night of cyber-passion, ...you are disliked by all, and your behavior is unwelcome, if you ghost.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Apr 28, 2021

ohhhh OP...
Even after long absence that will unfortunately continue I can still come on here and find a forum post wherein you are posing a specific question, but you are always searching for the same answer regardless of topic.
You want to feel. You want to find a situation that will allow you to hop the fence emotions first- reason later. You present as a person who doesn't fully understand connection- or pain.
It doesn't matter if it's ghosting, 'cheating'; or a million other things. YOU need to give yourself permission to tear a hole in some of those very high walls and just- feel.
Feel the pain, loss, humiliation, even if it's to a small degree. You will never be able to live vicariously through people who respond here in ways in which you claim to still not fully understand. This is all work you have to do yourself.
Make your heart a switch. Let things in until you've hit absolute discomfort- and then go back to robotic. Eventually things won't feel foreign, and you may even stop trying to find rational ways to explain the irrational( but necessary.)
Love you
V

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 28, 2021

Thank you Aq, DW and MM for your great input into the topic. We have some great feedback that encapsulates both sides, defines some very important parameters (long term vrs. casual) and the conversation is lovely.

(And V - you know I always love your perspective, even when we don't agree )

I wonder if there is a place for conversation based on what V said about "Superficial Emotion" so long as we can keep it focused to Ghosting.

Personally, in my relationships, I don't get told I am unemotional (sometimes quite the oppositite, to my dismay) but yes, maybe in this heart on your sleeve realm, that is it: I am unopened to what I see as "superficial emotion" or allowing someone to control how they make me feel when they otherwise don't care about fixing it. Like Miki says, those people are asshats. (Paraphrasing)

So is there something to be said that this emotion is only surface deep? That you wanted something from them, and they failed to give it to you?

Also, special shoutout to Sage. Your philosophical questions are wonderful to read, and you present arguments and humanitarianism very eloquently. (Imo). Far better than I do, at very least.

Pleasure to read and explore everyone.