Am I crazy?

Miki • Apr 30, 2021

I'm going to echo a bit of what has already been said, but I will skip the scathing commentary as to your style, and hers.

* * * * *

Yes, you came across a little fast.. for her.. Some like it hot others not. You probably should have covered how you roll when you spent the first day getting to know one another. That might have saved both of you a touch of grief, in that it is clearly not how she wants the dynamic to work.

There is nothing wrong at all with the sort of dom you want to be. Nothing.

However, the "supply" of available subs might not quickly fill your dance card.

In your post, what you said that you want to do, and that she doesn't.. So unless a whole bunch of "regular" time is invested and a spark beyond just kink comes along, I'd say she's not a sub for you and from what you said she told you, you're not the dom for her.

Cut bait, move on, be patient and although I never recommend it be the first topic out of the chute, when in the "get acquainted" phase, make your preferences clear and encourage the potential sub to share what she wants to do in regards to the dynamic. If she catapults a spoonful of mashed potatoes in your face and storms off, well, that's the max you stand to lose there. (drinks are too damned expensive)

Matching is a tough prospect in any relationship, vanilla, kink, and everything in between.

For example when I was more of a sub and not a "strictly sexual masochist", I liked that demanding style.

But alas, time and tide not only wait for no man or woman, it oft washes them away if they don't underpin their relations properly. I had a crazy work schedule and was ill-disposed to giving up my career and attendant independence.

On that note, (a dose of half ass philosophy) I'll stop, wishing you best of luck and encouraging you to take stock in the strongest of foundations in relationships: Communication.

(Of course it does not solve all issues but without it, one can find oneself up Shit Creek without... a roll of ass paper.)

shahh • Apr 30, 2021

No, you're not crazy. Just unrealistic and entirely inappropriate. This isn't Rome and unless specified and agreed upon, no person after a day or any other amount of time owes you anything.

Perhaps this response doesn't 'befit my stature as a sub' as you alluded to in your profile. That begs the question however; do you believe your actions and subsequent tantrum befit your self-proclaimed stature as a Dom?

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2021

In response to half of these comments as much as your original post, I think it depends on how you approached day two.

Once again, there is absolutely no standard for how quickly a dynamic should progress. To say that day two is way too fast is purely opinion and all but irrelevant as an argument.

Now, if you expected time to be made for you without any sort of prior discussion and agreement, that is a different story. Some folx are totally ready to dive in and I can attest to the situation where you can lose a prospective sub because you are taking things too slowly.

Does this mean that sub is too immature or otherwise not ready for a dynamic? Maybe.
Does it guarantee that sub is too immature or otherwise not ready for a dynamic? No, it does not.

The important thing, as always, is communication. Did you agree to make time for the lesson on day two? If so, then what the sub did was impolite.
Sometimes, shit happens, and there is nothing anyone can do about that. Did you give her a chance to explain herself and accept that sometimes shit happens? There is a lot to consider when starting a dynamic, but if you took all the necessary steps to ensure that you were both on the correct page and everything was in agreement, then there was nothing wrong with the way you went about it.

She owes you nothing, you owe her nothing; but we do not operate on a perfect tit-for-tat system. We operate on a system of social nuance and politesse.

Miki • Apr 30, 2021

It is not a mark of maturity or lack thereof to not be "ready" for the tenor of a given dynamic.

Simply put, without vitriol, who you met isn't likely to be a good fit. Don't force it. Try, try again.

You need not feel forced to change your approach. The forums are about opinions and hopefully constructive criticism, not lectures on how one "must change because (x) doesn't approve."

Now of course I'm not saying there is no need for improvement or that some tweaking of how you project yourself is a bad idea, but all I would say is "Consider it!" Not "Do it Because Your Approach Blows, Man!"


On the other hand, there are some subs out there who might see a nuanced approach as too "soft" or noncommittal. Some are put off by mooshy, milk-toast "doms".

There are no absolutely right or wrong answers here, just ones that fit each individual and the name of the game is "find the fit".

Be patient, and I might go against some of the grain on this thread a bit, I'll add the old cliche, "Be true to yourself!"

That phrase can apply to anyone. Because, rhetorically speaking, you're the only one you have to live with you 24/7. NO time off for good behavior.!!

One who over-compromises generally becomes misterable or resentful over time and that sucks the proverbial bag, for both the compromiser and the one towards whom any eventual resentment eventually flows.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 30, 2021

A lot of the same from me.

I am curious, though, if you had both agreed on this lesson. I assume yes. I also interpret that it wasn't entirely sexual. Even if it was, if you both agreed, then day 2 is of no consequence and anyone telling you it is, is bias.

If you were both in agreement, then her actions were very much her not being transparent to your requirements. If you truly did handle it calmly then I think you did an excellent job being transparent on your end and telling ghe rstaright away that her etiquette in unacceptable. I would assume punishment if I disregarded my commitments and was avoiding them without forwarding.

It comes across (imo) that she wasn't comfortable, but instead of telling you forthright, she avoided it, then got defensive and immaturely lashed out on her own missteps. Not a mature submissive trait. But that makes sense if a fight happens on the second day of knowing someone. Being humbled is not something some people take kindly two in the "dating" phase.

I personally think it is her loss as you seemed (to me, someone not involved, at all) that you lived up to your commitments and even allowed for preliminary exceptions to be made, but stood your ground and expressed your dissapointment after being stood up, multiple times. Then you expressed yourself about it. Again, not many people do that at the beginning, they walk on glass in this phase trying not to hurt the fragile feelings. So instead, you found fragility.

I would encourage you not to alter your mindset or actions. We need steadfast Doms. Not those who are going to let one out of line, non submissive (yes, she gets to choose, yes I am not calling her a "not-true" submissive. Purely in the context that she agreed to submit in this lesson and did not then did not take accountability) get away with making them second guess themselves and alter their presence.

TLDR: I think you did empecable.

Bunnie • Apr 30, 2021

@ Dressing,

It definitely sounds like you were in a rush. However, in my eyes, she’s not in the all-clear. She could’ve simply said you were moving too fast, rather than the stuff around. Any person capable of communication, and who doesn’t play games, simply would’ve told you that it felt like you were moving too fast for their comfort. In my opinion, you both could’ve done things differently, however ultimately as others have said, it does show clearly your incompatibility. A great learning experience to carry forward for next time.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Learning } • Apr 30, 2021

I’m probably beating a dead horse right now. But I think neither party is free of culpability. If you have high expectations then you do you BUT you also have to realise that knowing someone for two days and already demanding to know their schedule is a bit much and creating lessons, like some things don’t differ across the board as far as common sense goes.

I also think she should’ve made it clear that hey I’m not comfortable with this speed and your expectations this early. Cause if a sub asked me if that was normal I’d probably be like be careful cause that’s awfully fast. BUT I am sure there are subs who are ready to jump right in and that’s their jam and it’ll take patience to find one but they’re out there.

Sasa​(dom female) • Apr 30, 2021

Personally, I need a lot more time to get to know a person, but we are all different. Well, communication between a man and a woman is generally not easy. I say it that way because after a day they are not our submissives. So telling a girl to calm down comes close to death with. If your hobby is psychology you should know this, lol... a simple hint, maybe try it out.
It's also helpful to ask the right questions. Good luck.

Dressing​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2021

It seems I've gotten a bit of mixed reactions.
It's either "You're absolutely wrong" or "You're absolutely right" with a few "It is what it is" grey zones.
For the ones who have reached out to me, encouraging me, I really am quite happy to be part of a community who can relate and offer me feedback. I am also grateful for those of you who have seen fit to chastise me, as negative feedback is still feedback. There are a couple of things, however, that some of you have chosen to ignore.

@DrWakko
I'm not quite sure how you get to know people on here, but the way I do it is talk on the first day, as I've said, to get a bit of a feeling for who they are. Then I usually follow up with a simple lesson the next day to see what they already know / where I should start teaching. I don't think that doing both within two days is in any way a bad thing, and it's not like I have established a "I control you now" dynamic. It's simply learning about the person personally and sexually.

The other thing you mentioned is "how to treat a sub" and I'm sorry to say, but you're just plain wrong. There are many ways to skin a cat, and your way of doing it is not the only way. I made it very clear on my profile what I'm looking for, and if you want to start preaching about the "right" way to dom then you're hopelessly naïve. On this site there is everything from littles to slaves, daddies to masters. So please don't try to pull the "you're not a real dom" card.

@FirmGentleman
I am very well aware that we met yesterday, but I think you're confusing what I expected from her. At my "beck and call" implies that I have been controlling her every move and demanded that she perform certain tasks. I haven't. What I expected from her was that she tried to make time for me, or that she let me know when she was busy. Why? Because, as I said and you (hopefully) read, I had been waiting to give her the lesson the entire day.

So I really think your criticism is completely unfounded, especially since you seem to think I was "rushing" things? I don't think it's rushing in the slightest to not want to be kept waiting all day. And unfortunately you've completely misunderstood why I got upset. I didn't really care about loosing a two day relationship. What I got upset about, was the complete and utter breakdown of communications when I tried my very best to be calm and objective. Whenever I experience a grown ass woman derail a conversation, jump to conclusions and literally go straight to blocking, I do tend to be upset about what just happened.

Speaking of jumping to conclusions, my advice for you is to read what you comment on carefully, and if you're still confused, then ask questions to the OP.

@Djinni
Yours is the most confusing post of all to me. What exactly is it that I have demanded? That if she was busy it would've been nice to be told so, in order for me to get a feel for when we could have the lesson? It seems you forgot the simple fact that when she was ready, I stayed up to make sure she got the lesson. So if anything, I not only had great patience but also sacrificed a good night's sleep in order to make sure I could properly understand her level of training.

And again, you confuse me. What do you think I had been doing? I have no idea how you build relationships, but my main focus is to try and get a basic layout of the person as soon as possible. I had asked nothing excessive. Everything was within reason. The only thing that I wanted to address was how I was kept waiting. So, again, I think you should take the same advice as "FirmGentleman" and read my post carefully and ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions.

@Redkat
I appreciate the advice in your reply, but again, the criticism doesn't make any sense. We were not going "fast" at all. We were taking it nice and slow, and I was trying to get to know her properly. What struck me as odd was that she was completely unwilling to either make time for me in her day, or let me know when/if she was going to be busy. I, too, have a life besides being a dom, and it's simply normal for humans to not like to be kept waiting. I'm sure that you have had times in your life where someone made you wait and you got frustrated because of it.

@FullCanadian
Unfortunately your post makes the least sense of all. Yes, I expect a certain level of respect from the very get-go. How I choose to dom has nothing to do with my argument or the point I'm trying to make, and the fact that you seem to attack my character because of some perceived correlation between the two is unwanted or uncalled for. Shame on you.

-----------------
It seems to me that most of the criticism is either telling me how to dom, that I'm "out of line", that I'm going "too fast" or just straight up shaming me for being a certain type of dom. I can't use any of that for anything constructive, and it's frankly embarrassing to find people on a supposedly "free space" for BDSM trying to champion a certain type of domination.

Though I have read some okay criticism here, and I'll try to take it into account, so thank you very much for posting and giving feedback.

And lastly, thanks for all the support and private messages I got as well, it's nice to know that I have people in my corner.

HEAVEN'S STARCHILD​(switch female) • Apr 30, 2021

IMHO, I feel that she didn't thoroughly read your profile or if she did at all. If she did, that would have saved alot of time and frustration on both parties. My question is..did you communicate to her that you had a lesson planned for her the next day? If you did, then there should have been communication on her part letting you know whether or not that would be doable or if she was ready for that step. With her approaching you first, she should have also communicated what she was looking for and vice versa (if that wasn't communicated within the conversations the both of you had.)

Common courtesy is something that has been lost throughout time. She should have said after the first time you contacted her that she would be 1)busy for the remainder of the day 2) let you know that she is not ready for the next step or 3) just flat out tell you that you're not a match from the beginning instead of playing a game of cat and mouse.

I try my best to see and understand both sides of the issue here. The more i read,the more i thought about it, read your profile, I agree there were some questions that should have been asked if she didn't understand a few areas. The lesson you should take away from this be more open in conversations (if you haven't done so) about how you feel you should be respected, how much time you expect from your sub to tend to your needs. We all have lives outside bdsm and there are some who are having a hard time balancing both worlds or trying to combine both worlds into one.

I feel that you should have shown interest in her day or activities. Like with the gardening, did you ask what she was planting? How long does it take etc. In other words, show interest in her world besides strictly the bdsm world. That plays a very big part as well. We are all human and need interaction with one another or so many levels. Like with any other relationship/dynamic, connection, respect,communication, trust etc is key.