Intentional cruelty or ignorance?

Intentional cruelty or ignorance?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 1, 2020

i have some wonderful friends on this site and, have also read more than a few posts in forum, relating stories of "ghosting" or abandonment or whatever one might call it. I don't think the phenomena is exclusive to "dom" or "sub," "male" or "female" or any gender identity, or even the BDSM community, it strikes me as more of an online thing? It happened to me recently on a mainstream dating site, so i don't think it's exclusive, or even more prevalent, on 'kink' sites?

It usually involves opening someone up, giving them hope for something more, even promising it, then disappearing. i know that some of that can be attributed to immaturity or hormones. But i'm beginning to wonder if there is purposeful intent, from a seemingly growing number of people, to actually hurt others?

i know this is speculation (unless there are some 'ghosts' out there who are willing to educate us), but what are your feelings and thoughts about this. Once you've been able to regroup and think about it if it's happened to you, where do you land? Do you think the person is just an ignorant self absorbed sub human or do you end up wondering if there are people who get off on being cruel in this way?

NoClvrNickname​(sub female) • Aug 1, 2020

It’s also entirely possible that the “ghoster” is trying to avoid hurting the “ghostee” - rather than saying “I don’t think we are compatible” or “I’m not attracted to you” (OUCH!!!), they simply disappear.

From a female perspective, I know a lot of times if there is a rejection, guys sometimes flip a switch and go to, “fuck you bitch you’re too fat/ugly/whatever I didn’t want you nobody wants you fuck you I hope you fucking die” blah blah blah. Nobody wants that kind of reaction so maybe ghosting is just avoiding hostility/conflict.

I genuinely HOPE nobody ghosts for the specific purpose of being cruel tho

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 1, 2020

NoClvrNickname wrote: "It’s also entirely possible that the “ghoster” is trying to avoid hurting the “ghostee” - rather than saying “I don’t think we are compatible” or “I’m not attracted to you” (OUCH!!!), they simply disappear.

From a female perspective, I know a lot of times if there is a rejection, guys sometimes flip a switch and go to, “fuck you bitch you’re too fat/ugly/whatever I didn’t want you nobody wants you fuck you I hope you fucking die” blah blah blah. Nobody wants that kind of reaction so maybe ghosting is just avoiding hostility/conflict.

I genuinely HOPE nobody ghosts for the specific purpose of being cruel tho "

i think you make a great point here. i once drove 200 miles to meet a guy that i really hit it off with online. When i got to his house, he had very clearly misrepresented himself in his pictures, and he was keenly aware of that. It was awkward because we'd arranged an overnight (yeah, i know, stupid, but we'd had a ton of exchange online first) since i was traveling and i stayed in his guest room. i was just going to let it pass into the distance, but a few days later he sent an email saying he wanted honest feed back. i was uber delicate but honest and told him his pictures needed to be updated. His return email was nothing by vitriol, calling me names, telling me i was 'emaciated" after the only thing i'd said was his pictures needed to be updated. He filled in the spaces himself, guilty conscience i guess? He sent a second email that i was afraid to read after the first, but did several days later, it contained more poison. About 8 months later, after no contact, he sent me an email out of the blue apologizing and thanking me for my candor... which had been so tiny lol, but again, he knew and filled in the spaces himself.

i would not have ghosted him when he asked for feedback, but i had wished i hadn't ventured to tell him how i felt even a little.

Even though there is the threat of a bad response, i still think that's just part of the risk involved in venturing out? That's just my opinion, but ghosting people to avoid possible confrontation or ill feelings still seems the cowardly way out to me? And, though i too hope no-one would ghost to puroposely be cruel, not knowing leaves it open to speculation. To me, it's better to know than not, even if it hurts... they both hurt, not knowing hurts more to me because there is no closure, just speculation as to "why?"

EnamoredCompanion​(switch male) • Aug 1, 2020

Though I've had this happen to me more times than I can count (I probably don't stand out enough compared to other subs), I doubt people would go and ghost someone to hurt them. I'm sure there are a select few in the world that might do it, but the overwhelming majority do it for a multitude of other reasons. I think most are related to insecurities as to what may happen if they openly reject someone (like noclvrnickname mentioned), or just don't care enough to bother. I think with kink online it's tricky in a different way. A lot of people will be turned on and excited one day, and be completely cold the next day, maybe even returning again when they're in the mood again.

I'm a firm believer that most people don't look to hurt some random strangers they just met online. In the end, you can't let ghosting bother you too much and make you overthink it, because we likely won't find out why they ghosted you or whoever in the first place. You need to move on, because obviously, they weren't the one for you. Just try to take what you can from it and improve yourself, though I wish I had more person to person opportunities to learn how to be a good sub.

Oh, the other possibility, and this is from my understanding that there are way more sub males than there are dom females, they may be overwhelmed with candidates even while speaking with you and even if things seem to have gone well, you just kind of fell through the cracks, since someone else probably stood out more as someone they'd be into.

LadySusweca​(dom trans woman) • Aug 1, 2020

This is online we are dealing with. On another site I have been part of ghosting is a normal everyday thing. Probably because there are a lot of "women" who are actually men and are just looking for wanking material. That is easy to live with but if you have been chatting awhile and then they just disappear that is something different. That definitely hurts because you have put time and energy into building something and then it's gone. It probably hurts more since if I did something wrong I would like to know so I can change it so it doesn't happen again. If I don't know though how can I change it? It also may be they are about to get caught in a lie and don't want to be caught. With the internet everyone can be a millionaire and drive a Porsche. I'm one of those people patient enough to handle one or two mistakes. I try to be honest with everyone about everything. It is so much easier than wondering what lie I told to which person. I have probably also become very cynical about being ghosted cause it has happened enough to me. I think that is because I'm refusing to be treated as a fetish anymore and be respected as a person. It is hard to not be sensititive about this when you have been hurt enough but sometimes that is just what we need to do.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 2, 2020

If people get silent.

They are afraid of something.

Sun Kitten​(sub female) • Aug 2, 2020

I've experienced one ghosting that felt intentional. I'd been talking to this person for about a week and we'd shared our 'unacceptable' kinks...thus establishing some sort of trust base, right? Apparently not...and please, take it easy on me, I'm new.
I agreed to do something on video that I normally wouldn't do, and once he got it -- boom, I'm blocked.

Doing something wrong?

BedHead • Aug 2, 2020

Lady S I feel exactly the same. I haven't been on the site long and it was hard enough to put together my profile..still worry if I did it right, said too much or too little, then someone starts talking to you, and a bond starts to form and whoosh...they're gone. What did I say? What did I do? All I can think is my naivete has betrayed me

Sasa​(dom female) • Aug 2, 2020

Was I ghosted, yes of course. Did I ghost others in my life, have to admit yes. Every person who is ghosting is not mine and after a short time I'm back to myself and learned something. Teachers come in all shapes and mostly not how we expect it. If I open up, I learned that ... if I get some questions about what somebody needs and think... yeah, probably, but the person knows better, I understand it's true after a while. Whould it be easier if the dom had told me, "honey we don't fit... you sure you are submissive?" Of course, but who knows how smart the other person is we are taking to. We Germans are mostly bluntly open compared to the political correctness of your language. If it's not a fuck yes ... you know what it is. In my case I'm on a different continent. I don't expect a lot... it wouldn't be realistic, but I explore. This here is not about kinky fuckery, until now it's about me.
Why the heck are you looking for love in such a short time. Why not the slow way. Friendship first, slow. If you have a little crush embrace it. Bittersweet is a good taste.

Zedland​(dom male) • Aug 2, 2020

Generally I think it boils down to one of three things.

1. They are not who they said they were and the jig is up.
2. They have achieved their "objective" and are happily fapping to your photos.
3. They get bored with you and don't have the balls to just break it off. Because that might hurt you after all.

Well that's my thought.