Paranoia and Safety in Online Interactions

Paranoia and Safety in Online Interactions

MilkAndToast​(sub male){looking} • May 20, 2021

Hi everyone,

Firstly, I'm generally new to the lifestyle and really looking to get some experience. A bit of background: I'm a sub male looking for a nice Domme to serve. I've been actively trying to find someone since just before covid hit (great timing on my part).

I've spoken with several Dominants online through various apps/sites. I feel like thecage is a nice community of real people, so I thought I'd post here to share my story and get some feedback.

I have trust issues, this I know. I feel like I'm being overly cautious and paranoid about some of these Dommes I speak with. I look for red flags all while giving them a chance to prove they are genuine. I've called off several potential relationships due to this. And I'm beginning to wonder how much of a cesspool of scams and fake people are really out there preying on submissive men. I guess part of my paranoia comes from the unknown of what threats can fall upon me. Could it be blackmail, identity theft, kidnapping, murder, all of the above, or just a broken heart? Or maybe the most scary of them all: an actual relationship with a genuine person with mutual trust and respect and all that.

- I'm speaking with a Mistress now for a day, and I caught her (in a rather funny fashion) feeding me lines from a BDSM blog. She claimed she likes to read and felt that those lines resonated with her so she sent them to me.

- I first messaged her on an app so I initiated contact, but then she did what most scammers get victims to do, which is leave the initial platform for another messaging service. To be honest, it feels like a pretty second-rate app in the first place. The kind of app that people might use for nefarious purposes. But I feel like I have anonymity on my side still. I created a separate Google account to keep in touch with her and other potentially suspicious people.

- After catching her line-feeding, I mentioned there was a BDSM event coming up in a town nearby to both of us and that we could meet in person there. She said she isn't against meeting in person but we would need to do so on her time. She hasn't brought this up since then.

- She has sent some pictures of her that look taken by someone else (not sure if they seem like professional photos though). I did an image search online and couldn't find any hits, but I'm good enough with computers to know that doesn't mean much (or again, maybe I'm just being paranoid about my safety).

- She also just seems to fire off these lines that feel like they're from other blogs and about being the only woman I'll need and how I will have an amazing experience with her. On the other hand, it also feels like she speaks from the heart sometimes. I've asked about her BDSM experience and she shared some details about other slaves. I expressed my concerns about my limits and she seems to actually respect them and care for her "property".

- This morning, this Mistress asks if I've ever dated anyone (I said no) and tells me to add another woman to hangouts. As I'm writing this, I'm chatting with the new woman and feel slightly catfished. This new woman isn't into BDSM, so I'm curious why she would send me to her. Maybe just to get some dating experience?

Each of those points above are mild red flags to me. So, that's bordering on the third strike (or maybe more, I've lost count) with this Mistress and I'm not sure about things as they stand. But I could see some validity in most of the arguing points. This is the farthest I've gone toward trusting someone online, so I'm not sure how far I want to take it before looking for someone else again. Where should I draw the line?

I feel like most responses to this post would and should be to cut things off since I'm still harboring doubts about it. But then again, it feels so early in the communications that I would like to give her the chance. Especially if she wants to meet in person still.

I'd like to get some points of view from all roles. What are your experiences like this? How far have you gone before breaking things off?

Thanks,
MilkAndToast

acquiesced​(sub male) • May 20, 2021

The greatest advice I can give to anyone about online anything is to learn to distinguish bait from real interest. Probably the best clue is usually "if you have to ask"...

Miss T​(dom female) • May 20, 2021

Well from a standpoint of a Domme I can say I’ve seen a lot throughout the years in the lifestyle... Genuine people, but also many wannabes. What my advice would be to be careful. Read into people and be mindful of psychopaths, borderline, and abusive people. As many use a dominant disguise for their negative agendas.
Reluctance to meet in person, have a video or a phone call is a red flag to me. Among many others, tho...
Good luck!

House Talion​(dom male) • May 20, 2021

Everyone has their limits, some are sadly longer than others.

MilkAndToast​(sub male){looking} • May 20, 2021

Thanks for the responses!

An update on the situation, if this helps anyone in the future. I had decided to string them along a little farther. The second woman ended up posting a picture of a rather well known (to me at least) porn actress, passing it off as her own. Calling her out there ended that branch of the situation.

I hadn't heard much from the mistress through the day. Then she says she needs a favor. I knew what was coming next. She asked for a rather decent amount of money for lady products and meds. To which I quickly shut her down and blocked her and the other woman's account.

I'm surprised they thought it would work, or maybe they just wanted me out of their hair finally. This has been another episode of "scammers on the internet". I guess there's no trusting the internet, eh? Time to do things the old fashioned way.

AndySmiles​(sub trans man) • Jun 8, 2021

Honestly, I’d say to cut the bait (meaning cut ties with her).
Now, I’m as green as it gets in the BDSM area, however, I’m not so green when it comes to online interactions or people interactions (yet I have no life lol go figure eh?). And from what you’ve said, there are way too many red flags for it to be anything but bad news in shoes.
It truthfully seems to me like you’re just lonely and desperate- but not in a bad way lol desperation isn’t a negative or a positive term. When you find someone that makes you feel like you’re on Cloud 9 you’ll be desperate 24/7, know what I mean? So, what it seems like is that you’re hoping against hope that she’s what you’ve always wanted, but, in the back of your head, the real you is screaming and kicking up such a storm in your head that you’re starting to see all those red flags.
Listen to the real you - that’s your instincts. You can’t ever go wrong when listening to them.
From what I’ve gathered from my VERY short exposure to the kinkster life is this: Trust and honesty are ABSOLUTE. Defy one, you defy both. And sounds like she’s lied to you more than once. Can’t build trust on lies honey. Good luck to ya!

ThisIsTheWay​(dom male) • Jun 8, 2021

Go with your gut, I have been Catfished before, it really sucks, So now if I have even the slightest thought they might be fake I just move on and block / stop contact, even if they were real it sucks but I got to take my safety first and not worry about someone else's feelings or whatever.

if it screams run , then run.

MissA​(dom female) • Jun 8, 2021

Haha I was gonna ask how long before she asked for money
A Domme is never a beggar

Cheers

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jun 9, 2021

Hi MilkandToast,

Along with recognizing red flags and ingenious communication, I would recommend spending time sitting in those gut feelings. Ask yourself when you have felt it before. Getting to the root of those feelings will help navigate better when they are triggered in a dynamic you want to develop.

Though a Dom/ Domme takes the reigns it is a hell of an uphill battle if the horse is scared and doesn't know why.

Caring for ourselves not only is healthy but a service to our Dom/Domme who is present or future.

Veejay​(dom male){No Vacancy} • Jun 12, 2021

In my experience most women in the BDSM community are more interested in relationships first, even if they’re only interested in play. Let me explain.

If a woman is only seeking something short-term, that still requires some type of connection. The natural progression of an interested Domme should be her wanting to get to know you first before a dynamic is brought up in earnest. The period is different for everyone but it sounds like it was skipped for you altogether. That is to say nothing of a Domme seeking a long-term sub, which would obviously want to learn even more about you before approaching a dynamic.

I will say that there are two notable exceptions to this. Newbies in a kind of ‘frenzy’ phase that want to learn everything, and those that are only trying to get off on the validation. Neither one would be suitable candidates as someone to teach you. Your best avenue would be to seek out a same gender submissive to mentor you. By the way, I can’t say this enough: mentors don’t bang mentees.

Stay strong my friend and keep the faith. Trust your gut.