My husband isn't a dom...

My husband isn't a dom...

momfox​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

Im a sub and I've been trying to explain to my husband that I can't tell him what to do that take away all the power I want him to do what he wants but our sex is so vanilla I tried showing him some videos and all he took from it is tie my hands and hit me alot ... I mean Im not complaining its way better then the vanilla sex we've been having for the last 4 years but it's still not what I want and it leaves me craving more.... what should I do?

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

I think it's a tactical error to introduce someone to BDSM you want them to do to you by showing them the acts of Dominance (especially as portrayed in porn!).
Acts of Dominance can so easily be construed as abuse (and feel that way) if the mindset and thinking of Dominance isn't there as the foundation first.

Perhaps give him books to read for example 'Screw the roses, send me thorns'. Or something similar.

Speaking to other Dominants and being able to ask questions from trusted, experienced people also really helps.

Wishing you all the best for this journey.

momfox​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

Thank you he keeps telling me he's a Dom and he is dominant but he doesn't act it he acts like a typical beta male

Zedland​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

You could try erotic fiction. Pick stories for him to read that are suitably stimulating but also have some psychological depth, particularly from the sub's point of view. You can also encourage him to come here and chat with other Doms.

From what you've said so far it looks like he is trying to submit to you by doing the things he feels you want. Some people are just not Doms and you can't make them fake it.

momfox​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

I honestly think he isn't a Dom and I a very aggressive dominant female I only submit to those who know what they are doing

Masque​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

My advice would probably be to talk to either a relationship counselor who specializes in such things, or lacking that, an experienced dom or d/s couple who can help you with the communication side first and then some technique after. If you have particular kinks you'd like to try with him, a list could help. If he's never really engaged in the lifestyle then the standard intros to SSC and maybe RACK are talks he could use.

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

My experience is that it's those laid back, non-aggressive, non-pushy (typical betal males) men who make The Best Doms.
Not, saying your husband is, just saying that his every day demeanor isn't really the only indication of where he lies on the Dominance scale.

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

The psychological depth part of the convo I'm 100% behind. But erotic fiction very often have very clear consent violations. So choose wisely.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

I hate to say it, but if nothing can be found to inspire, flick some hidden switches then its not going to happen. Some people have stuff suppressed, kink that religious guilt or other factors means they cant or wont try, but many vanilla people its simply not there and never will be. I tend to see being kinky as more of an orientation than something one adds now and again to sexy times.

Try the Loving Dominant book, the recent edition, and the New Topping book.

If nothing works, then you resign yourself to not having what you need, you negotiate being allowed to have someone who can give you the missing things, you cheat (not recommended) or you leave the relationship. Generally vanilla people cant be made kinky.

Your situation is very common.

Sasa​(dom female) • Jun 21, 2021

Welcome... It's nice that you are just here for one day and the question is so important that you ask this community. But, with all respect, if you know everything on your own, what is the point to ask? You know already he's not a dominant, you made your decision. You call yourself very aggressive and that you only submit to those who know what they do. I'm sure you have seen many doms in your life and you know that they are all different. Maybe your partner has it and is dominant, he is just not your one. I'm sure you also know that neither dominants nor submissive grow on trees and are ready to be picked. They learn over years... enjoy it, learn. I'm sure you also have a way to go.
Technical support, lol.