Why does it feel like Tinder?

Why does it feel like Tinder?

Makemecum​(sub female) • Jul 25, 2021

I am fairly new to the lifestyle, and completely new to the site. I just have so many questions, but at the same time i am overwhelmed with messages just asking to be my Dom or to train me. I am eager to learn, and my first insting is yes, but then I feel like I want to know the person, I want to know their expectations before I agree to anything, I need to know if we are compatible. Everyone offers but most don't ask questions. It's like tinder sometimes, I feel like and that terrifies me, because I have some very personal kinks and I need to trust someone and build a rapport, not just what feels like a training session and done, or one of many subs. I have had some people that have asked questions and all, that's so refreshing, and nice because it gives me an opportunity to learn. I appreciate that, thank you.

HelenaMedici​(sub female){Owned } • Jul 25, 2021

You are absolutely right. Don’t say yes to a random person. Also.. until you decide to commit to learning with one of them you have absolutely freedom to get to know anyone. Trust me they will tell you that you can’t.. That’s a red flag right there for me.
And you don’t have to choose just one person. Sometimes you will connect with more then one and they will have different things to offer, to teach you.
I think it’s important to ask yourself though: do you want a love or friendship kind of relationship? Do you want to learn only? What are you comfortable with?
You can choose to just play sometimes and figure out what you like.. but you can also choose to learn with someone special, and for that you do need to get to know this person.Figure out what you want and need. Then of course, tell them that. Don’t let anyone force or make you jump into anything, take your time.
Hope everything goes well!

FloraDragon​(dom male){Roaming Wi} • Jul 25, 2021

You have to be so cautious, talk to other submissive - they will always have access to those to whom the lifestyle is a whim and people to be used and abused. I feel gone is the introductions, the smouldering build up and only when things feel totally ready then moving onto the next level. We live in a disposable society and I feel that there are many who see people as disposable too, concentrating on their own needs primary without a thought to the damage they may cause to the other person.

My submissive Roaming Wild with whom I live and share my life would agree, it seems the Gentleman Dom are few and far between. Alternatively seek a Dom (Domme) to talk to get to know and to pick their brains, bounce ideas of them - just ensure they are aware that it is not a contract or relationship it is simply information gathering to develop yourself.

Simply be careful, think deeply what you want - Helenmedic's words are very good.

Remember you are and individual and must be respected as one, what ever the kink.

sandrakanda​(sub female) • Jul 25, 2021

I would suggest to start your own research, find things that might interest you besides those you're already attracted to. Maybe look for someone who has deeper knowledge on topics you don't understand but would like to( even a blog could do sometimes).
Be open but keep your distance. Be honest and don't waste your time on empty talk if you don't want to.
Ask questions yourself, that's a good way to understand Doms way of thinking, his style, knowledge. You might find friend, new kinks and even a Dom on the way. Enjoy your journey

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jul 27, 2021

I seriously doubt a site such as this could ever exist without some level of "tinderism's". But, look beyond it. There is a wonderful community just beyond the clouds ahead of you. Be nobody's fool however. My advice to you would be to come on into the group, have a sit, a stay, a chat, a cry, a laugh, and make some new friends while you are at it. Before replying to anybody on about any level of a pm, I would suggest you use the tools the Cage devs have provided for you! Each member of substance normally has a decent profile, read em! Scroll to the bottom of their page., you can then read their blogs and their responses to forum discussions. It is a WONDERFUL way to get to know the people behind the keys, then form friendships where you want, no worries, you have the world ahead of you and if it is a Dom you seek, I have no doubt it is one you will eventually find, but like the best candies in the Valentines box, significant others around here tend to just pop up where you least expect.

Take your time. Do it wise, do it right, and welcome to our festive little Cage!!

~ID~

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 27, 2021

I think trying to escape a certain amount of "tinderism" on a site dedicated to kink is inescapable. There will be those who are naturally pushy and aggressive, those who want a quick fling, those who want a genuine connection, and other lesser creatures who want lesser things. You can't avoid it unfortunately.

My advice comes in two parts. The first is the reiterate that you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. You don't have to bow down and call every puffed up wanker with a keyboard sir. This website is your resource use it for what you want.

The second part is not to rush into anything. Once again do only as much as you are comfortable doing. If someone tries to talk you out of that, give them a real hard second look.

Otherwise have fun.

Boo78​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2021

This community is no different to any other really. You will like some people and some you won't. Trust your instincts and a relationship or dynamic certainly doesn't begin with "I want to be your Dom" or "I want to train you". Get to know the person first and take it from there. Take your time, there is no rush

House Talion​(dom male) • Jul 31, 2021

It's like prison: the Dom you want is hard to find and the Doms you find are hard to deal with.

Check the forum post responses for a Dom that seems to meet the personality style you think meshes best with you and ask the to train. You

Badgirlblues​(dom male) • Jul 31, 2021

If you are someone that believes research can reveal behaviors, you might be interested in much social psychology research that has found that watching a 5 to 10 minute video of someone talking about themselves reveals a lot more than a list of attributes, tendencies, preferences, and aspects of someone's personality. At least it's going to reveal more than a long list of likes and dislikes. I think sites that focus on finding matches among people have long questionnaires mainly because it makes it seem as though the site is worthwhile to join and/or that the administrators are doing something proactive for its members. In general, non-verbal communication is a lot more revealing than verbal or written communication when it comes to understanding someone's 'essence' and whether you would have things to share with one another.

Master Raf​(dom male) • Aug 1, 2021

Take your time, be cautious. If someone moves too fast, be wary of them. Nothing happens fast. It takes time to know someone. Make sure you know them before you do anything. If someone comes on too strong or makes assumptions, drop them like a hot potato. Use caution.