Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

SissyPhantom​(sub femme) • Jan 5, 2021

I've been joining a lot of online bdsm communities as of late, and in all of them I've run into someone discussing or mentioning that dominant women are very rare. Femdom discord servers barely have any women, the femdom subreddits have way more men than women, and taking a peek here there are exactly 5x more submissive men compared to dominant women.

What are your thoughts on the subject, what do you think is the reason for dominant being so rare compared to other roles?

Beastly​(dom male){Not Lookin} • Jan 5, 2021

Traditional gender roles is probably the biggest culprit, but interesting topic, if a bit touchy.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 5, 2021

Maybe it is just saturation? if there are, in your example 5x more straight submissive males to straight dominant women, then it stands to argue that dominant women just don't stay single long enough to be on online dating sites. That, in addition to the vanilla world, likely not many dominant women get this far, if a dominant woman is in control of her vanilla relationship, then perhaps there is less chance that she leaves it in search of something more "taboo" Not sure what the general consensus is on the subject, but females are usually more compassionate, whether it is because social obligation, community upbringing or hormones and composition, women do not usually "think with their dicks" as the saying goes... sexist yes, but maybe founded in some truth. So who is to say they just don't deal with what they have and work through it... even more so if they have a dominant and take control of the situation mindset. It has long been said that women keep families together, this can be supported in the basic fact that there are many more single mothers, than single fathers. I understand, not a 1 for 1 comparison and there are circumstances like, actually carrying a child in your womb for 10 months and creating a bond that a woman won't just abandon like a male counterpart would, and it does happen, but just like this case, it is very rare.

Just some thoughts, in no way do I stake my reputation on this, just debating the case for the very apparent lack of representation. I consider myself an Alpha personality, and I tried for 12 years to keep my relationship together, my ex was the one to end it to go chasing some tail and living some unlived life, lucky for me, now I am here.

DrWakko • Jan 5, 2021

From my observation it’s a two fold situation.

1. Sub men tend to harass the crap out of dominant women. It seems they tend not to take no for an answer. So dominant women tend to stay off or lock down their emails / contacts to avoid such harassment.

2. “Women aren’t doms”. There are people who think that women as the “weaker of the species” and if they do identify as a dominant it’s to take advantage of males or they are just lying to themselves.

Either way dominant women don’t tend to feel welcome or wanted due to some form of harassment.

To the PC police: none of my comments above include all of one group. When saying sub males I am not referring to all sub males. I’m referring to just the sub males who harass. And when I say “people who think...” just refers to those who think that way. Not referring to all people.

DW

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Jan 5, 2021

Personally I think that genuinely submissive men are also incredibly rare. Many men play at being submissive in their heads, but they’re want to submit their way, when they want to, and how they want to. Which isn’t really being a submissive. Combine that with the challenges of being a female Domme and going against the cultural grain in general I suspect the risk/reward ratio is just too high for most women who have an interest. Being Dominant doesn’t stop people from being sensitive, so I suspect it really is mostly that simple. Just my humble opinion though.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 5, 2021

Lucky for me I don't care if I'm popular because this post will put me in that category LOL but heh! I'm known for popping fantasy bubbles.

I don't think its so much that we are "rare" there are actually a lot of dominant women and few less Domme women (see what I did there, think about it. Dominant and Domineering are different) Single and looking is another matter all together. If your in a relationship you don't tend to hang around on "dating" sites. More so if like OraclePollon​(sub female){AlphaWolfe} mentioned your holding together a family or have children.

We are elusive if you don't go about finding us the right way. I think to many men waste time looking for this Femdom nirvana website and trying to find the place where we all gather, rather than using what is in front of them to its best. They also often put to many restrictions on themselves that often hinder there search..but thats best left for another post.

I think in the general scheme of things or in my life anyway, finding partners is a lot easier for Dominant women than it is for Dominant Males. Men are easily lead by their little head (sorry not trying to generalize, just saving a wall of words) so for a Domme Female finding a willing partner for sexual gratification is dead easy, most men are up for this. Find a willing partner for BDSM is a little more difficult but "most" men are up for a little kinky and it can often met a Dommes "base" needs. You just then took out a large part of Domme women that can "fish" in the vanilla ponds without having to hit the deep water. Then you have those that just want FLR which often doesn't have high BDSM content to their "rule" and that can also be fished outside of the deeper waters. So your often left with those just starting out to find their feet, where they fit and belong and those that are after a more "lifestyle" based life/relationship making up the numbers you actually see. When those women hit the BDSM sites, they often do not last very long. They sit back and wait for the candidates. Of the market they then often disappear till they run into problems and need the support of the community.

I think more important the answers is in the figures. If you're looking at the males the truer facts on numbers start to surface. I mentioned above "those looking for kinky sex" a great deal of male submissive numbers are just after a little kinky sex, a little spice of life and little bit more. There is NOTHING wrong with his but I do wonder how many are double dipping from the vanilla ponds and then into the Femdom ponds. I also do wonder how many of these numbers do NOT have a legitimate "fetish" (using the correct medical terminology) and could actually walk away from it, if they couldn't find it? If they can walk away are they actually submissive to begin with?? or just share some submissive traits (not judging, just add some food for thought)

In the same train of thought then take out the married men that also fall into this category that are more after a re spark. A spark that re lite an aging libido via porn. The very same age bracket that often are also needing more "stimuli" due to onset of ED. Femdom porn is well known to create that spark as it often a pretty Female tending/servicing to a male. A male "is" always on the receiving end in Femdom porn. Porn in general is the reverse and on the female. Most are shocked when they experience REAL Femdom as it can often be the reverse! (but again another topic. Train on track Bon)
Ask any Domme woman of a more mature age and she will tell you the amount of stories she has read about how at 40-50 the man suddenly found he was was submissive. Hmmm does make you wonder why this didn't materialize itself at the onset of puberty and creation of selflessness and sexuality??. ...Argghhh Gawd this is becoming a ramble, where I'm going with this is...the "rare" is more than likely because the sample of women you do see have (put down the pitch forks)have a "trewww" Fetish in the truest meaning of the word. Those with "fetish" often cant fish the vanilla world.

*(by using the word Fetish. I am using it in its truest form. That the person CANNOT function "sexually" without the said Fetish)
**Now where is my Dragon skin corset, it might get warm in here!

MrFulmen • Jan 6, 2021

Yup.

There's a cycle that I've watched four or five different IRL Femdom groups go through:

1. Femdom group created with great excitement.
2. Group attracts a gaggle of pushy, entitled men who say they want to submit but who actually loudly and persistently make the group all about their own desires.
3. Women drift away.
4. Group shuts down.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2021

I've seen a good equality in dominance between genders. The main question is how many of them are dominant and how many are just bossy

Eagles Nest​(dom female) • Jan 6, 2021

As a Female Dominant looking for a submissive male:

* I look for very specific things, one is being a gentleman. If you want quality then one better have quality and show quality. If your into porn then this is not a fit.
* Clean shaven. Hygiene is everything.
* Treat others as people first and build relationship from there. If your out for sex keep moving.
* Pictures that are of good taste. Clothed and interesting.
* I have coached many new and seasoned subs and Dominants in presentation with both profiles and ad's ..... if your interested.

Soaring Eagle

SissyPhantom​(sub femme) • Jan 6, 2021

This makes sense, I have ran into way too many stories of relationships ending when the guy says he is a submissive/bottom to his vanilla girlfriend, I haven't seen many stories from Dommes about having trouble with vanilla men in comparison.
The second sentence also makes sense to me. I think most people sign up to websites like fetlife with a purpose, usually for finding partners. And seeing as women have less difficulties with finding partners into Femdom there will be less women in comparison to men. I think that would also explain why there are a lot more women in F/m with a financial incentive too because that is their own purpose of joining. It is also a harder purpose to fulfill, so they are the women who tend to stick around the most, which is probably the cause for so many men complaining about Dommes only wanting money.

Many men do wrongly identify as submissive instead of bottom. I would say most of the men who do it do not know the difference, but I am sure there are those who think identifying as submissive will boost their chances of finding what they want. There are also men who fetishize submission, from what I understand the most important thing for them is to feel submissive, but on their terms, and that isn't compatible with most dominant women.
I think men who identify strictly as bottoms have an even harder time than submissive men with finding partners. I think there are a lot more women who want to have authority in their relationship and sex on their terms than there are strictly top identifying women.
I would say a lot of these men have fetishes, I have multiple ones that stem from childhood, some mild, some not. I have read that for women it's quite rare to have an actual fetish, especially when compared to men.

I have actually only seen the reverse of this. I have seen the topic many times that women come into their dominance later in life. I am in my twenties and a few Dommes of mature age have told me multiple times I will have a hard time finding a Domme near my age, which is unfortunately true.