Did I misread my Dom?

Did I misread my Dom?

kare​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2021

I have been in a casual arrangement with my Dom for just over 3 years. He was upfront when we started that he didn't want anything more than a casual/fwb . I dated others as did he. He also lived over 2 hours away but worked in the city I lived.

I made the crucial mistake of developing feelings for him. I obviously mistook his spending more time with me than the usual 1-2 visits a week. It started around my birthday last February with a gift of my favourite bottle of wine, than a laptop at Easter, and small gifts throughout the year. Than in the fall he spent the night (he hasn't done that in well over 2 years) in which he suggested not me. We also stopped using condoms around this time - I have always used protection is just part of being safe . I haven't been with anyone besides him in well over a year by than. This past Christmas he gave me a new tablet and a piece of jewelry - a necklace with a sawarski crystal. Past Christmas gifts have only been a gift cards. When I asked my male friends if they would buy a casual /FWB a piece of jewelry they said "no". Buying a piece of jewelry is something personal.

So last night I asked him about where he sees this going. Still a casual/FWB arrangement or a relationship. He said just a casual arrangement. That he doesn't want a relationship at this time. Did I just have blinders on because I misread what I thought were signs of affection?

Tthomas • Jan 18, 2021

I can see where the confusion would come in.

To me you have two ways to approach this.
1. You can just continue with his answer and assume that he wants a casual fwb relationship.
2. Tell him you have a question. Lay out he time table you did for this post. Ask him why the change.

The first approach you keep things the way they are. If you like that then no harm. The second way you take the risk of getting him thinking or second guessing his approach and maybe even his feelings. In many cases guys are slow to recognize how they feel and what they want.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.

My Dear{Trust} • Jan 18, 2021

What makes you think that a casual/fwb cannot also have affection? I have never been able to be intimate with someone for an extended period without feelings of affection developing. I would remember the relationship as that of a casual nature while also recognizing it for the closer relationship and the existing bond that is obviously there. It seems obvious to me that your Dom cares for you and has affection for you - though, he may not want you two to have more of a hold on one another or more of a commitment than yoyu already have.

The question is, is that enough for you? Or, are you in search of something more permanent and sustainable?

kare​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2021

Tthomas...

That is what I am questioning... Whether or not I am able to continue as a casual/FWB when I have feelings for him...I'm not sure if I'll be able to separate the 2...I may have to stop the aftercare such as cuddling and showering with him...

my dear (Erich)...

That is something I will need to reflect on...whether or not it is enough for me...at the moment where I live we are in lockdown again (since December 26 until at least mid - February)... Last lockdown was 3 months (March-June) ...

I've tried talking to my vanilla friend about this (since I know no one in this dynamic/lifestyle) and she just sees it as abuse and doesn't understand the trust or bond that is there...

Tthomas • Jan 18, 2021

My advice take it for what it’s worth…

Do not listen to your Bonilla friends when it is about a subject they do not understand.

Sounds like you two have a good understanding of each other. When all else fails talk to him.

Listen to your head, your heart will lie to you.

MrFulmen • Jan 18, 2021

When we try to decide whether something is either "casual" or "a relationship," we're implicitly accepting that there are two prepackaged choices for how we relate to our partner--and we have to pick one of them. That can be a trap, especially in kinky relationships.

Try to break out of that, and instead of asking whether it's casual or not, talk with your partner to craft a custom relationship with the elements that work for both of you, while trying to avoid assumptions about how one thing you do together has to imply something else. Like: getting gifts for you is apparently something he's into. If you like getting gifts from him, then do that! And don't assume that since he gives you gifts it means a pile of other things.

If there are aspects of your relationship that you want to be connected (like: "I only want to forego condoms if we're sexually exclusive and committed to staying together"), then make those explicit and agree on them together.

kare​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2021

MrFulman...

Thank you for a Doms point of view...

I've let my vanilla friends define what the relationship should be when they don't have an understanding of the lifestyle... That I'm not being a high value woman because I set no boundaries in their opinion... He has been very clear that he does not want a relationship but enjoys our arrangement as is ... Yes I will need to discuss the no condom with him...I did mention that if was with someone else that out of respect for me and my health he use a condom...

I too have given him gifts like having his favourite bottle of whiskey on hand or baking for him...

Miki • Jan 18, 2021

Simply put, and understand I can't know your exact situation except:

3 years and he doesn't want to commit??

Do you want to? If after this time he wants to play the "no committing" game it's time to move on.

kare​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2021

Miki..

Yes after 3 years he is still wants the "no commitment" but has told me if I need a relationship/commitment than he is ok with me finding that

Umberlee • Jan 18, 2021

Kare,

I would like to add caution to the list of the wonderful advice of those before me. You have found yourself in a vulnerable place. It is possible that your heart wants to see things that your Dom does not. If you have feelings for this Dom beyond FWB & D/s relationship established, seriously consider if you can continue this relationship within the perimeters he has given. It may be difficult for you to do what is best for you because this isn't a "vanilla" relationship this is also a dynamic.
Be honest with yourself and honest with him and if you cannot continue without hurting your heart, don't.