Advice on how to find out if I'm really a submissive?

Advice on how to find out if I'm really a submissive?

YoungOwl​(switch male) • Oct 29, 2021

Hey everyone,
So I'm new to this site, (and have never been in a bdsm relstionship), but upon reading through a few of the forum posts, I've noticed the topic of "man doesn't know that he's really not a sub" comes up fairly often. I also learned that there is apparently a difference between being a sub and a bottom?
1st: can someone please explain the difference between being a sub and a bottom?
2nd: can someone give some good advice on how to explore your real "role"(sub, bottom, dominant, top) in a relationship? Is this something that you just know instinctively, or is it something that you don't find out without experimenting?
Thanks!

CSI • Oct 29, 2021

Hello and welcome. Traditionally, submissives are those who participate in power exchange dynamics both in and out of the bedroom. It is not just about sex and scenes, but there can be focus on service submission as well (just one example of many). Bottoms are those that are submissive to the other in the bedroom, during sex, or during scenes. Outside of the bedroom, they may be more submissive or dominant, but it isn't expected that they will be serving the other(s) involved.

There are a few tests you can take on-line that shouldn't necessarily be taken as gospel, but are usually a good starting point. Another suggestion would be to read the files and articles on here, as well as on some good websites (submissives guide comes to mind), some books (the new topping book, the new bottoming book, bdsm 101), YouTube (I watched a lot of Evie Lupine when I got started), and podcasts (there are links on here as well). There are also bdsm activity lists available on the internet, which I would say to look at and you will have a good idea where your interests lie. Most are checklists that say "willing to give/willing to receive/unsure" or something along those lines, which should make abundantly clear which side of the slash you would fall on.

What it comes down to is who you feel you are inside. Are you happiest when serving another? Are you more inclined to lead? Or does it depend who you are with or does it change? Labels are just labels, as we don't all fit into a neat little box.

These would be my suggestions and opinions on the subject at hand anyhow

YoungOwl​(switch male) • Oct 29, 2021

Thanks for the reply! I'm definitely going to look into some of the resources you suggested.

CSI • Oct 29, 2021

I would also say that there are definitely men that are submissive, but a lot of them that say they are submissive just want the woman to fulfill the man's kinks, fantasies, and fetishes and will not do anything outside of they themselves being satisfied (which is definitely not being submissive). They end up topping from the bottom and it just really ends up being a pain in the ass.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2021

bottoms are not submissive, people who just enjoy the sensations of play but who do not give up control or submit. Being a bottom has zero to do with the location of where play happens, and everything to do with headspace and what is wanted and needed.

I wouldn’t bother with Evie Lupine, try loving bdsm you tube channel, and morgan thorne’s. Dedicated fem domme, male sub channels are thin on the ground but morgan thorne is pretty good, and balanced with none of the bad things that can pop up in fem domme circles/dynamics.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Oct 29, 2021

@DM,

I love Morgan! I've not watched her in ages but you are correct, she is VERY balanced in her views.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 29, 2021

Being a submissive is what you are in the eyes of the dominant.

It is not a definition or a label. For me it means service oriented, for others it might be something else. But in case you play you could be the bottom and your domme the top.

I'd say, find out what you want and understand that having a domination fetish has nothing to do with being a submissive.

KeerKeer​(switch female) • Oct 29, 2021

There are so many different types of Doms and submissive's. There are soft Doms, Hard Doms, Brat tamers, Owners, Masters, Primal Doms, Pleasure Doms. For submissive's there can be, Brats, Alpha Subs, Slaves, Service Subs, Pleasure Subs, Pray, Baby Girls/Boys, Littles, Pets. There are also switches (people who fluctuate between both). Thats just the ones I know about at the top of my head, Im sure there are more and different categories within each type.

I guess for myself I started out as a Findomme (Financial Fem Dom) for a few years and had a lot of fun with that, which is also how I learned what I now know about BDSM and this lifestyle, however I always felt like I was missing something. I didn't know until recently that being owned by someone and being controlled, is really what fulfils me the most. I met a man that is much more Dominate then I will ever be, and he keeps me in my place, and I love to be his little slut, and serve him in whatever way he wants.

I guess my advice for figuring out what you identify yourself as, is to figure out what your kinks are first. Usually what you are into is a good indication of where you fall on the spectrum between Dom and Submissive. For example if you like being spanked, degraded, controlled, etc, you probably are more submissive, vs the opposite, wanting to spank, degrade and control, might make you more of a Dom.

Also you don't have to give yourself a label, you can just explore and learn and have fun doing it.

Miki • Nov 1, 2021

@YoungOwl: When I see these types of questions I always chip in how I see it:

Don't drive yourself nuts worrying about definitions, tltles, and all that horseshit (IMHO)

As you can see from the posts above, there's no "Official Rule Book on Domination and Submission" to which "All Must Conform or be Cast Out." -- I'm a sexual masochist but definitely not a "sub" as such a "rule book" would require. When I was done playing with whatever partner I end up with on a given night (back when I was more active of course)--It was then "Playtime is done, we've had our fun, now I'm going to roll over 'cuz the game is over"

...and next morning I'm off to my regular, and a decidedly independant life.

**********

Since you said you've never been in a BDSM relationship/situation, but read about it-- the door is wide open for you to discover an amazing variety of situations-- some will be great, others you might hate...

The key is not to worry so much about labels and qualifications, and just go with whatever shucks your corn.

Zhivago • Nov 1, 2021

It goes without saying that many females are the same way. It's not specific to one gender