Dom vetting - why or why not?

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Nov 14, 2021

[/quote] I'm still going to ask "WHY"? I keep pointing out that I'm not a submissive but rather a masochist who loves rough impact play, rough sex, humiliation play, mind fucks, interrogation scenes and literally all types of sensation play. Could you (or anyone) explain why some people find it comforting to abdicate personal responsibility to another person? I've been fortunate enough to find many like minded people over a 25 year timespan whose requirements matched my own but that doesn't seem to be the case here on this particular forum and I'm honestly trying to figure out how I differ from most everyone here. Dominants and submissives alike here are expressing their need/desire to have someone else "run interference" for them and I really wish I could grasp what I'm apparently overlooking.[/quote]

why not? Some subs like giving up that to someone else.
What exactly is wrong in asking someone to check out this person?
When you go for a job, you're asked for references, so how is this any different?
You want to trust this this person that you are talking to is going to respect you, your wishes, your limits, your boundaries.. so why not ask to do something to prove that they will?
Like I said it's this whole attitude "I am DOM! I don't need to ask permission" yes you do. Simple facts, you need permission to play with this person. .we call it consent. If they aren't willing to get consent you aren't going to want to play with them.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2021

But we’re not abdicating personal responsibility. It’s just an extra step if you want to call it that. Like what LJ explained above. As another example, you might ask your friend or family member what they thought of a potential suitor. It doesn’t mean that you will make your decision based off that alone just that it’s another opinion from someone who is looking out for you. It’s more complex than that of course.

Gaiawolf​(sub female){RogueWolf} • Nov 14, 2021

It's not abdicating personal responsibility, the ball was always in my court on who I wanted to talk to or not. It was more having a best friend to gossip to who could say....umm what did they mean by that, or why would you let them say that. Someone as a friend to help you see things you may miss on your own because either you don't want to see it or you really didn't notice how it looked/sounded till said again.
Those who give 100% control to someone and only take their word and not think for themselves I don't understand either. For me, and my past, it just helped to have a second opinion on things.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2021

It is not at all about abdicating responsibility, in fact it is the opposite. Accepting responsibility for oneself by instituting a more in-depth, two-step verification process.
It is obviously not a requirement or everyone would be doing it and there would be no one left haha. Some people, perhaps someone like yourself and many of us here, may have the self-awareness, experience, and presence of mind to not need this assistance.
But for those who could benefit from a little extra insight, having a friend or a guide or a "protector" can be very helpful in the beginning.
Ideally, after a little time and practice, the person won't need that anymore.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

I'm walking away from this now. My whole point is that in *my* frame of reference I either give consent myself or refuse it, if someone shows any interest in what I'm looking for rather than asking someone else to run interference for me. I'm never going to understand the appeal that some feel but I've now lost interest in this whole touchy subject.

PERFECTLY said...

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Nov 14, 2021

[ quote="LongerJohnny"]
- You don't line up a bunch of potential "protectors" and have them audition for the role. You don't find one by looking on LinkedIn. IF there is someone that you already know and trust - and ONLY IF you already know and trust them - then consider asking them.[/quote]


THIS!!!

When I felt I needed or wanted a protector I went to a friend that was experienced in the lifestyle, someone I knew for a LONG time, someone I trusted GREATLY, AND who truly KNEW ME. She was another submissive, because I agree with LJ and believe that protectors and vettors should be on the same side of the slash of those protecting and/or vetting for. This helps in avoiding potential ulterior motives.

KNOWLEDGE is POWER. Experience is STRENGTH. However, even the most experienced or knowledgeable people don't know all. That's why the decision always come down to the person themselves, because it is YOU who will ultimately decide to pursue (or not) with someone.

I would also like to add that yes, although some relations end badly, that doesn't mean that either of the persons are bad. Could be it just wasn't a good fit. For me, what I look for and want to hear is consistent behaviour overall. i e.: Is the person an overall:
good communicator, honest, respectful (of others AND themselves), reliable and most important, self aware (that includes knowing they're not experienced or need more knowledge in certain areas).

Well that's my 5 cents (we don't have pennies in Canada anymore )

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Nov 14, 2021

Everyone is free to their opinion as to what works for them. Gaia asked my view on whomever was talking to her and if it was a red flag. It was my opinion, I never asked her to stop talking to them, or to heed my advice.
You do you.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2021

i think your opinion was clear with the first utterance. applause to walking away when one can not contribute more. allows space for others that may actually have insight to the original topic.

personal accountability is a good step… for some, many steps off a short pier is good too. i’m funny.

i hope you have some time for self reflection, maybe you could do some reading to help lessen your ignorance on subjects in this community you don’t understand. you have shared several such subjects in the last couple weeks.

at some point, a person may want to examine their own personal responsibility in becoming informed on subjects where one may want to interject their view, rather than let their uninformed opinions flap about incessantly and chaotically. i get asking questions, sharing an opinion, but finding a good stopping point is always a good plan. examining intention is good before speaking. if it is meant to harm a person, maybe dont. anyone that wants to learn should ask questions and then listen and examine how people respond, understanding you still may not understand. spending some time with a book or researching while keeping one’s flapping ___ shut can allow insight to seep in for one to see past one’s own limited worldview.

what is my intention with all this? why my tone?

your blog…

attacking and publicly shaming the kink of another, her writing, and her physical appearance, says everything i could ever want to know about you. disgusting… “squicky”. go learn something.

here is a lesson in how that feels.

thanks for feeding my inner sadist a little. i like it rough too. was it good for you?

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

I blocked you from commenting another thing on my blog or even trying to message me. You clearly have a problem with being told "no" and that accepting that I have no interest in hearing from you on any topic. Work on that very serious personality defect.

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Nov 14, 2021

Vetting only sounds like a good idea on paper.

In practice, its utterly stupid. Think about it, you are outsourcing the most vital trust-building communications with someone you dont know online to another person you probably don't know online.

If these vetting people were REALLY on the level, wouldn't they simply tell the sub what to ask on their own? Without needing to act as a mediator?

And who vets the vetters?