Training a submissive

Training a submissive

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Mar 8, 2022

What is the biggest mistake most Doms make when training a submissive? Always looking to be a better Dom

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 8, 2022

in my experience it would be presumption (but i don't think that is unique to a Dom).

Our searches for a mate include a list of wants/needs/loves that we all have, usually with our own personal interpretation of how those things present and play out. It's sooooo easy to project, "presume" how it will and should go. i think this is particularly challenging for a Dom because, as the "Dom" there is often already the cultural and/or individual assumption (on either side of the slash) that they should get what they want. For many in D/s culture, that's a given.

But not for all in D/s, some (many?) of us see D/s differently.

For me, most of my submissive nature, and subsequent acts of submission, reside/s behind locked doors. If it were just a matter of me being submissive with no requisites, anyone could exploit my submissive nature. But it's not like that. my submission is personal, individual, and requires (in my case) a Man who wants/needs/loves the dynamic and process of finding the keys, or sometimes it's a combination lock, to open those doors and gain access, and ultimately control of what's behind that particular door and my, very real, submission. "Real" vs something like role play or force that may result in capitulation, but not "real" (for me) submission.

For me "submission" is a pre-existing, natural state of being that a Dom can access, and gain ownership and control of when They find and use the keys or lock combinations. It can be a challenging process, but to me, the mature Dom has reached a state of self control and they resist the temptation to try an axe to or battering ram to break the door down. With me, the battering ram only sends the sub me into a deeper safe room.

To me, "presumption" is a result of already 'knowing.' If a Dom presumes to "know" what a particular sub needs/wants/loves, they are just projecting their own need/want/love onto that person. Sort of a crap shoot, they may beat the odds occasionally and encounter a sub who has the same or similarly corresponding need/want/love. But i think that leaves out the essence of what can happen in D/s, which is the purposeful process of finding, discovering those keys and in that process also gaining the power of, what to me is, legitimate access and a sort of ownership of the contents behind the door.

CSI • Mar 8, 2022

If you are looking at training a submissive for you, that would be absolutely individual preference. If you are looking at solely mentoring a submissive (that would have no sexual component whatsoever), I would recommend the basic tenets of the lifestyle, the history, the difference between high and low protocol. Some teach tea or cigar service. I think most new submissives aren't aware they have choices and rights and basically are....let's say not enlightened as to the difference between the actual lifestyle and kinky sex. They just saw a fun meme or kinktok and were like "that's what I need to do" and jump in with both feet. They do not know what it means to actually be submissive and the difference between a kinkster, a submissive, and a slave.

Miki • Mar 9, 2022

... what they both said.. But chief among the mistakes is being presumptuous. Not having full grasp of what all this entails-- and doesn't entail such as what one might find if they take in "Outside looking in" material such as, off the top of my head "Fifty Shades" kind of stuff... a production I have only heard of but have not nor intend to watch. Even if it was written by those in this type of life, it's only their take on it. Takes are as variable as people.

As for training a sub.. That question always seems to pop up in here and by far, the best first answer is "communication". Find out what they want to give, what they want to receive and then tell them what you are hoping for. If it clicks, you'r on your way. If not, you get to search another day.

Zelia • Mar 9, 2022

The biggest mistake is assuming that just because someone chooses to use the title Dom they are ready to ‘train’ a sub.
Failure to do the ground work on self, personal understanding by of the lifestyle and what it means to help a sub grown and develop, is in my opinion, a huge mistake made by many.

Re: Training a submissive

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2022

The first question should be what is the sub is being "trained" for. To be her Dom's perfect sub, or to be her perfect self?
My thought is that, as a general rule, unless the Dom is a switch then the biggest mistake he can make is believing that a Dom has enough sub experience to train a sub how to be a sub.
It's like an astronaut trying to teach a rocketship how to fly an astronaut while piloting a rocketship. They need each other in order to make first contact with kooky space aliens, but astronauts need to be trained by other experienced astronauts and rocketships should be built by using the blueprints from other sucessful rocketships (that analogy can be flipped around and used for either side of the slash, it is obviously not a direct comparison.)
In non-space terms: subs should be mentored by subs, Doms should be mentored by Doms.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Mar 11, 2022

In my personal point of view,
Submissive people need to be trained and/or mentored by submissive people and the same with slaves. I, myself, was taught my particular set of skills by an alpha slave.

I just don't understand how a person with a dominant personality can teach someone with a submissive personality how to approach a person or task with submission in mind.

Just my point of view for what it is worth.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 11, 2022

i think this is a great point that seems to be overlooked by the common assumption that only Doms do the training.

i do think we can learn from anyone though, that even the complete jerk can teach us something, even if it's only to expose our own thin spots.

DewofHermon​(sub female) • Mar 11, 2022

I am new but after spending a month here I still don’t understand why we need training. Do we need to train someone into a dom or sub? I thought the dom/sub nature is naturally born with.

If it’s for the sake of two people molding into each other like any other love relationship, I wouldn’t call that training. More like a communication.

To me, the dom/sub is mainly a mind game. I just need a strong alpha man who loves me, studies me, understands me, leads me and nurtures me and I will be so happy to serve him and follow him.

Can someone enlighten me please?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 11, 2022

i think many in this culture, if not most, would agree with the idea that Dom or sub is part of their "nature," their identity. i think you focus in on the idea behind "training" with: " it's for the sake of two people molding into each other...." As i see it, one cannot have training without communication, but there can be communication without training. As i see it, training has a "molding" intention and energy behind it.
i'll give a personal example i have shared before. Part of my bottom/sub nature is nurtured and affirmed by what i call "affectionate degradation/humilation." i won't get into a drawn out explanation of what that means to me here, i've done that in other posts and blogs.
Connected with that need/desire is a kink for watersports (WS). For the last couple of years i have had a developing fantasy of being able to drink a Mans piss from His cock. Again, there's a lot of mind fuck and connection/bonding i look for in that. Here's the thing though, it's not like i have a love of piss. As a matter of fact, i have fear about the taste and quantity i'd encounter in the act. It's the act and energy behind the act that draws me, and would also be the need/desire i would look for from the Top/Dom. If it were there, i.e., through "communication " we discover compatibility in this kink, i'd both like and need some "training." i'd need a Top/Dom who can help "train" me in the skill of taking the quantity part, and help condition me by using my psychological need/desire to overcome taste issues. BTW, i have sense experienced this and it went differently, and better in some respects, than i anticipated.
i may be a natural born runner, but that does not mean a coach cannot bring out the best runner in me.