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New Dom's vs Experienced

primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022

Re: New Dom's vs Experienced

primerose • Mar 25, 2022
Spellbound Wytch wrote:
primerose wrote:
Had a partner that's only a few months into being a Dom. Decided I have to submit or walk away.

In your experience, how should new Doms approach their first IRL S/D relationship? And at what pace?
Based on your profile, you seem to be as "new" as the dom you're describing. Two newbies trying to navigate deep water generally results in one or both going under. Never depend on a "lifeguard" that doesn't know how to swim themselves is my best advice.



That was my feeling as well. Something in my gut was telling me that this could be dangerous if not taken incredibly slow. Thank you!
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
House Talion wrote:
News need to learn before having such relations. After that take it slow


That was my thought as well. It didn't feel terribly safe to fully commit to it so fast without either of us being fully educated.
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
dollMaker wrote:
New doms, should not. BDSM is incredibly dangerous, life changing injury can occur if techniques and skills are absent, or applied with ignorance, badly, even with the most basic activities. Not only can real physical harm occur but mental and emotional damage can occur as well.

My advice treat this like learning an extreme sport, and this new dom should learn the basics first before they try anything. I strongly recommend researching basic things first, via online courses, workshops, (in person still risky due to the still rife presence of covid) books, you tube videos, and once the basics are grasped move onto more advanced stuff.

Only start play etc once those basics are taken on board.


I'm learning more and more that aspects of play that don't seem dangerous to the uniformed can have serious consequences. Honestly, I wish there was a newbie couples retreat that managed the pace. *That probably exists somewhere.
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
CSI wrote:
I agree with the above. Incredibly slowly, baby steps, snails pace. If it is taken at a fast and furious pace with everything happening at once, it will not be able to be sustained. You need to trust that they have your back and your best interests at heart. They need to be your security, your comfort and your safe place and only consistency and time will show you that they are and what they can be.


Really needed to hear that. Thank you. The fast pace of being asked to commit to being a submissive long term (indefinitely) was completely overwhelming. And honestly eroded some of the trust thats essential for this to work. I appreciate the confirmation.
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
Ironhand wrote:
Education, Education, Education and did I mention Education? That's the key to growing in this lifestyle, especially as a D. As a natural D, there are things that should be innate and instinctual, but once you think you've gotten it all figured out, that's when it's time to go back and learn some more. Everything is evolving all the time and while the standard must always be maintained, it's important to keep growing.


Well said, thank you!
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
bigandsmall wrote:
Not a Dom/Domme, but been with enough of them good and bad, real and wanna be. One way to know whether its all talk or they have actual experience is to educate yourself first before they attempt to bind you. Talk about and ask questions. Do you know where your kidneys are, your sciatic nerves, how long clamps can be worn before it becomes dangerous enough to kill the skin cells because blood flow has been denied way too long. YOU need to know this first. You dont need a biology course but even just googling specifically will provide a general view.
Everyone has to start somewhere so no need to reject them BUT if they are not willing to learn with you and claim to know it all, red flag ego as stated above take it slow. Maybe some light impact before bondage, or bondage of just arms until you know and trust the skill. Working up to more intense play. When with a new partner, never start off being made totally helpless, they should have to earn that by building your trust. Nothing is a perfect way toward the experience you want, but before you submit to someone, know what you are submitting too and level the playing field. Trust your instincts 😊


Thank you! It's tough. I wanted to be ready to fully submit (I am a pleaser of course)- but my gut said the risk was two high. For me personally, someone who is too eager is unsettling with something potentially dangerous and incredibly new is involved. Especially in an established relationship.
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
House Talion wrote:
News need to learn before having such relations. After that take it slow


That's what I wanted. Thanks!
Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker}
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022

Re: New Dom's vs Experienced

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Mar 25, 2022
primerose wrote:
That was my feeling as well. Something in my gut was telling me that this could be dangerous if not taken incredibly slow. Thank you!
A concerned, patient and caring dominant is who you should keep looking for - not someone who's so obsessed with your just giving in to him that he can't acknowledge his own lack of experiences, i.e. limitations. They're out there - just take care of yourself until you find that special one who will happily share that burden with you.
primerose
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
primerose • Mar 25, 2022
Seriously,thank you to everyone who responded. I was in an already established relationship and BDSM was incredibly intriguing and exhilarating, but then as I continued to educate myself and navigate my emotional responses - I realized this is serious shit.

My former partner has discovered bdsm, and it is now a must have. I'm actually incredibly happy that he found something that is so fulfilling. Being told that I had to commit to being a sub in order for the relationship to work was just honestly not a decision I felt equipped to make, and I think it would have been easier to navigate being fully informed. And as many of you mentioned, being fully informed takes time.

Not gonna lie, I like being a good girl so far...

But essentially it's too early for me to know if I can be in an in person romantic partnership that clearly requires it - and whether or not a newbie/newbie dynamic is physically or psychologically safe introduction to the lifestyle (for me).

Thanks for reminding me of the value of my gut feelings.
bigandsmall​(sub female)
2 years ago • Mar 25, 2022
bigandsmall​(sub female) • Mar 25, 2022
primerose wrote:
Seriously,thank you to everyone who responded. I was in an already established relationship and BDSM was incredibly intriguing and exhilarating, but then as I continued to educate myself and navigate my emotional responses - I realized this is serious shit.

My former partner has discovered bdsm, and it is now a must have. I'm actually incredibly happy that he found something that is so fulfilling. Being told that I had to commit to being a sub in order for the relationship to work was just honestly not a decision I felt equipped to make, and I think it would have been easier to navigate being fully informed. And as many of you mentioned, being fully informed takes time.

Not gonna lie, I like being a good girl so far...

But essentially it's too early for me to know if I can be in an in person romantic partnership that clearly requires it - and whether or not a newbie/newbie dynamic is physically or psychologically safe introduction to the lifestyle (for me).

Thanks for reminding me of the value of my gut feelings.


You said it yourself, this is some serious shit so GOOD GIRL ! For trusting your gut and the time to research. He doesnt know better obviously. Its just a new shiny toy at this point. He is new himself remember. You can play of course as a role or exploration but it should never be an ultimatum to a relationship. It never starts that way or with coercion, that is not this lifestyle. Cant teach what you dont know. You are a smart girl, stay that way