Some real help needed

Some real help needed

classyMale • May 14, 2022

Hello!
I've been in quite a few "vanilla" relationships and that's honestly all i've ever known. I've always thought and been told BDSM was just a big no-no and i never explored it. Started a relationship with a woman a few years younger than me and very inexperienced. This has been an online dating thing so far as she lives several hours away from me, but planning on meeting up in a couple of months. She's expressed her interests and her desires and here i am!
She's expressed interest in BDSM, especially in shibari. She likes being given tasks to do and punishments when not completed. She likes having "spicier" sessions a couple of times a week as well as maintaining our normal "relationship". The main issue is i'm having troubles being creative now because A.) She's actually a virgin. B.) She doesn't masturbate, so "role-playing", "phone-sex" is totally and reliant on me as she usually sits there, tied up listening and fantasizing. She tells me she's horny, but she doesn't do anything about it.
This is new to both of us, and I've actually enjoyed it for the most part, but being told, "I was expecting more" in some situations when she's unwilling to do much is getting to be a bit confusing on what else I can do at this moment.

Bonus points if anyone can help me with more daily tasks
She enjoys calling me daddy,
so 1 of her tasks is to tell me good morning the first moment she wakes up. If i see she's done something else before telling me that she gets a punishment
make her bed daily, when giving homework from her university she is required to finish it in a timely manner. Take care of herself and eat 2 meals a day and drink a certain amount of water each day.
We have setup a point/reward system that she gets "x" amount of points per task completed, (negative points given if she fails to notify me of a completed task and a failure of a task). Other tasks are given throughout the day depending on her schedule and our "moods".

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • May 14, 2022

A lot of people mistake "submissive" with doing nothing. This is absolutely not the case. You should inform her that this is a two-way street where she has responsibilities to uphold her side of the equation.

I would start by ordering her to masturbate while you coach her and talk dirty to her. Once she's doing that and reaching orgasm every time, move on to sex toys and beyond. Don't permit her to remain passive while you do all the work.

classyMale • May 15, 2022

Thank you for the reply!
I've done my quite fair share of reading and studying and research on these topics, and I understand a lot of it. She's not into truly extreme BDSM, but she likes me to dominate the scene. But, as of right now, we've talked about her masturbating and such and she feels comfortable with it since she is a virgin. To me... it's kind of hard to have "spicy" sessions when she's unwilling to do anything sexually.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 15, 2022

100% agree with the above. when reading your post, the first thing that sprang to my mind was ...what do YOU want from each scene? it goes both ways. Who is the Dominant here! You also need to get something out of submissive. It is called a power exchange for a reason.
Also you mention being told, "I was expecting more" I'd just flat out ask her what is she expecting? Your not a mind reader! Dom/mes are good but we are only human when all is said and done. You can be the best Dom in the world but if the submissive doesn't share enough with you, you can end up being the worst. We simply cannot mind read (gawd damn it. Wish we could LOL)

Sit back down and re talk about your expectations and re negotiate what you BOTH want and expect. There is nothing wrong with going back to the beginning and re adjusting. if she cant express just what she wants, how can you give it to her?

if she has difficulty in expressing things like this in a first party situation, could she maybe express herself in a story telling/ Scene building situation. For example you begin a written story and she then adds a few lines, then you and so forth until finished. Together you build the story. These can later be used as scene ideas. This can give you insight into what she wants and desires. This also gives her the same of you. It can also be a fun and hot way to "play" without "playing" Doesn't take a lot of time either and should distract from what you do have in place. Another variation of this is ask her to send you images she likes and ask her to explain why she likes the images and HOW she perceives they got to point in the image. Both of these methods are used in sex therapy for when one party cannot verbalize needs or desires.

TheTempest​(sub female){Mister Az} • May 15, 2022

Could it be she is so passive because she is a virgin? Maybe she actually has no idea what to do or what feels good. Will she let you talk her through it? She does need to explore on her own to figure out what makes her tick. Maybe that could open a discussion into what is really happening and what you both want from a dynamic.

classyMale • May 15, 2022

YES! She's told me before she doesn't know the right time to do something due to her being inexperienced. I want to open that door and i've asked her before to touch herself and she told me no she's not comfortable with that yet. But, i'm running out of ideas how to be "spicy" when all we do is have her do some self-bondage that she can safely do, and listen to basically me tell an erotica.
I want more too!!! But, i'm running out of ideas and very quickly.

classyMale • May 15, 2022

I appreciate the detail very much! We have a great relationship and she's let me know that she's very interested in this. We've gone through our "checklists" to see what else she would be interested in, and gone through our contract multiple times. I feel like we need to have one of them "come to Jesus meetings" so to speak even though we've had a couple of these already due to a real life issue in my personal life kind of killed my mood for about a month.

classyMale • May 15, 2022

Once again, i am very new to this and am willing to learn everything i can. I've thoroughly enjoyed learning about this lifestyle and how beautiful it can be especially building the trust factor.

TheTempest​(sub female){Mister Az} • May 15, 2022

You might suggest she reads some of the “Submissive Primer” series by Elizabeth Cramer. I’m sure there are other books about getting in tune with your sexuality. Maybe someone can recommend one? You said she is not comfortable touching herself. Is there the possibility she has suffered some trauma or was raised in a very religious home? Good luck to you. Sounds like a tough situation.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • May 15, 2022

I think what Miss Bonnie was suggesting is that you TAKE CONTROL. Stop asking. Stop suggesting. Just tell her. Take the reins and take control. This is what D/s is. She says she wants you to be her Daddy. This is it. If she doesn't want to do it, it's her responsibility to stop you, especially since your doing this online. If she still isn't willing, you need to decide for yourself how serious you are about having someone submissive to transfer power to you and how far you want that power exchange to go. You need to decide this for yourself apart from her and what she wants. This is about what YOU want. You are the dominant and a dominant is always in charge within the boundaries of mutual consent.