being rude

LoneWolf​(masochist gender queer) • Aug 4, 2022

Everyone deserves respect be them dominant, submissive or whomever. It doesn't mean that you are putting anyone on a marble alter. Respect is just common decency for everyone to follow.

Sure, there are those that keep their sub's naked and in chains. That's their life. If it's not for you then, it's simply not for you.

Everyone has a different dynamic than the other in this life. You just have to find the one that's right for you.

redballoonz • Aug 5, 2022

In the talking or getting to know you phase, I definitely don't tell them identifying details- like where I work, exactly what I do, things of that nature. I make sure to at the very least make sure that they are a real person- different ways of doing that if you want to message me. That being said, its whatever you are comfortable with. I don't really know if this is in the context of asking too many identifying questions, or asking what you are looking for, why, experience, things like that. If it's the latter, I would tell them so that we don't waste each others time, and take the time to get to know each other.

Noire{Owned (NH)} • Aug 6, 2022

Hello Beautiful!

I can relate to your post because I too have been told similar things. I haven’t necessarily been called rude but I have had dominants throw a hissy fit. When I tell them I’m uncomfortable answering certain questions.

For me when I am talking to someone for the first time. I like for conversations to just flow. You know light and polite chit chat or friendly banter. Surface level at first just to feel out that persons sense of humor or their general likes and dislikes.

I don’t like feeling as if I’m being interrogated. If a dominant approached me with a list of questions right off the bat. I’m immediately turned off. An then you’ll get the “I’m not comfortable answering all of these questions yet. I’d rather just have idle chit chat with you.”

I’m a firm believer that it’s important to set the tone in any conversation. Because people will press your boundaries to see what they can get out of you in a short amount of time. If someone tells you that your boundaries are rude.. We’ll their the rude ones in my opinion. Then if their response is “Well you should know!”

Come, come.. That is not how adults communicate. If a person won’t tell me what I did wrong or how I made them feel. They in my opinion don’t have the necessary tools to have a conductive conversation. They may even be lacking emotional intelligence within themselves. At that point a conversation isn’t worth having.

I’d say to you to self reflect. If someone is perceiving you as rude and it’s happening often. Then I’d take a look at how your delivery is. Or if certain words can be replaced with ones that may land softer on someone’s ears. I wish you luck!

Love,
Noire.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Aug 6, 2022

So i am gonna jump back in on here and maybe give some insight to what "I" think a Dominant should be thinking when talking to a new person. Notice I said "person". Until your MY sub, you just some new person that I don't know a thing about. The very first thing anybody should realize when talking to a new person is that REAL LIFE COMES FIRST. People have lives, jobs, things to do. As much as I might want them to focus on ME, to them I am just another online Dom until the conversation proves otherwise. Until a connection is made and interest is sparked, why would I expect them to drop everything for me ? If I walked up to you in a bar, would I instantly DEMAND you info ? It just blows me away how some people talk to others online especially when your hoping to make a connection of whatever flavor. Your WANTING to appeal to this person, yet you do everything to push them away because your a "Dom". WHO gave you this title ?? Until SHE determines your her Dom, you just an E-mail that can be deleted. I personally never tell a sub that she has to call me anything. I haven't earned it. Yet... LOL I wait until she feels I have earned a title, we will discuss it, and at that point I do make it mandatory. This is WAY past initial talks online. This is after a relationship has started of some kind. I want that person to WANT to call me Sir, not do it out of fear of screwing up or a punishment. How can you ever get a new sub to WANT you, if your acting like an ass ?

Trust
Trust is a huge issue for me, you can be the hottest most submissive person out there, if I cant trust you then I have no interest. The flip side is, if the trust is there, a lot of things are possible. Some subs want limits pushed, You can only do that is she trusts you completely. It might allow her to try something she never would with anybody else. She ALSO has to trust that if she is tied up and the house catches fire, you are gonna save her ass too. She TRUSTED you to protect her4 safety, are you up to the challenge ? How is trust started, when you talk like an idiot in your very first E-mail ???

Even after a connection is made, NONE of this means shit until you meet in person. If you think your perfectly fine with a person you have never met, your in for a surprise. Online isn't even close to what real life will be like. So in the long run, there is a limited amount of info you can get online. To put such of a high level of importance to just online dealings is a bit silly. Once you have spent hours and hours with people online just for them to disappear, you realize that endless online talking doesn't make a relationship progress after a certain point. Use online capabilities to find people that under normal conditions you might have never crossed paths with.

However, once you have been able to meet in person and actually feel if there are emotions, online can take on a whole new dimension and greatly add to a relationship of any kind.

My point is simply, one should only put so much into online when you have never met a person, and mostly likely WON'T ever meet that person. Not worth the mental anguish until it is an actual real relationship.

I have greatly simplified my point, I am sure many will disagree, and there are always exceptions to the rule. But if you try to keep your online stuff in perspective, then when you least expect it, Shit happens in a good way LOL

And just for the record, I have been chatting online back when there were only BBS's which predates the internet basically. First site I ever found was in Lawrence KS and was a BDSM site. Not bragging, just making the point that I have been talking to new subs online since the early 90's. It's not something I figured out right away. I made some of the same mistakes, but found that usually didn't produce many results. The fact of the matter is, the men outweigh the women. I am trying to interest someone in talking with me so they can find out a little bit about me and maybe want to be with me. Explain to me how acting like an ass helps you get that ???????????

Just my $.02 on the matter..............................

keeblerkitty​(sub female){Looking} • Aug 7, 2022

It's never rude to put someone in their place, my sweet. Its never wrong to say to someone I would prefer not to answer these kinds of questions at this time, but after I get to know you I will. It is never wrong or rude to just answer any more. PERIOD.
Your own limits are what is important here. We as submissives, learn that vetting is the most important thing we can do to protect ourselves. If Dominants want to get to personal to quick then that is an answer for you. That they do not want to learn about you as a submissive, much less a female. Asking for LIMITS to me is not to personal...asking me to send them nude photos right away is just unacceptable to me and tells me a lot. So if someone wants to call you rude, move on my sweet because you have hit the trigger button already.

Hope this helps.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2023

Heh.

While I have not read the rest of the replies (is that rude of me?), I thought I would drop my 2 cents of opinion:

More often than not, in an online D/s setting, you will hear (or see as the case may be) "you are being rude" as a lame ass attempt of control from knuckledragging online DomlyDoms. They are not getting the responces they want, so they try to back a s type into a corner with "you are being rude" or "you are not being submissive".


I would not worry about it. Cut the line and move down stream.

Re: being rude

Slavehandler​(dom male) • Feb 17, 2023

Is it rude not answer direct questions and respond with, in time I will share the answer with you?

No but you are stopping the natural flow of a conversation that in return might stop you from exploring something you might enjoy. Generally, if someone asks you a questions it means that is what they want to know to decide before moving the conversation forward. The real question to ask yourself is why do you do it? Are you afraid? Do you have trust issue? Do you need to control the conversation?

Is it rude to ask someone to read my blog if they want a deeper understanding of who I am and where I have been?

No, it is however better to interact with the flow of a conversation than ask someone to interpret and judge a blog post. You are again kind of skipping the process that might lead to a different experience. I wouldn't talk to someone who directs me to read something, the whole point is to converse and get a feel of how you converse, pick up on the topics as we talk. Not read a blog, take notes and come back in a mechanical way. You are kind of telling them to make an effort without putting in effort yourself.

Is it rude to only share pieces of myself that I am comfortable with?

No, but if you want to connect deeply with someone you often need to go past this barrier though. Otherwise, you end up with somewhat similar superficial relationship and it does make you seem untrustworthy if you can't give something of yourself. Similar to before it seems you have trust issue, insecurity or some need of controlling the conversation mechanically rather than fluidly letting it go.

These are just observational notes and assumptions purely based on your post, they are in no way judgement or correct statement but certainly something to reflect over since it did cross my mind to write it.

Re: being rude

I'mME • Feb 17, 2023

I believe what OP was speaking to are "Doms" that believe they are entitled be catered to right off the bat.
If someone is interested in another person, then time spent chatting about vanilla things is never a waste. It's been my experience that subs usually have on their profiles plenty to start and have conversation about.

Re: being rude

Slavehandler​(dom male) • Feb 17, 2023

A lot of doms mistake dominant to be aggressive or controlling when in reality there are many more mature ways of leading or being dominant. And being dominant doesn't mean to be catered to first nor does it mean a dominant need to prove anything to the submissive to earn anything. However, ignoring dominant and submissive this is really just conversational ethics we are talking about in which you want to talk to someone and have a conversation, so my reply is in regards to having a normal conversation.

Of course, it depends what the questions are and everything but I would not talk to a sub if it is purely sexual for example nor is it the first thing I want to know about a sub. I want to know normal stuff first. Who they are? What do they want? Previous experience? What do I need to pay attention to? How do I avoid hurting the sub? How do I approach and move forward with the conversation emotionally? How can I NOT be part of her bad experience catalogue?

A genuine person does not need to enforce anything, especially if the person is a submissive.

I'mME • Feb 18, 2023

Slavehandler,

"However, ignoring dominant and submissive this is really just conversational ethics we are talking about in which you want to talk to someone and have a conversation, so my reply is in regards to having a normal conversation."

This thread started with Purple Freesia asking for some insight on supposed Dominants telling her she is rude and gave several examples, it's not about conversational ethics. Your answer to her was not about conversational ethics either.

This is my view.
Purple Freesia (whether she realizes it or not) had been letting her inner voice guide her, in this case, reluctance to answer questions or divulge information to complete strangers. This voice that warns people something isn't right here or simply danger, whatever you choose to call it. This voice that has thousands of evolutionary years behind it, should take a center stage or at least examined especially when one is delving into unfamiliar territory. When someone dispenses advice that boils down to they are blocking a process or the flow of conversation, in effect it is telling that person to not listen to thousands of years of evolution. I see this type of thing and it makes my teeth grind, she should let that voice flourish, because that is ultimately what can help keep her safe. Nor idle promises from another person, not the one who says trust me, etc but that voice, if she learns to let it guide her, she will be much further ahead than many folks with years of experience under their belt yet who keep making the same mistakes over and over.

Her voice told her that hmm this person getting upset because I prefer to not talk about whatever it is they brought up made her voice call a out a FOUL. That is THE CORRECT RESPONSE, exactly what should happen, I'm just sorry that assholes turn around and blame her for their inappropriateness. That and your post to her is a couple of reasons people that choose submission end up with non compatible partners and even worse, abusive situations. The same words I could say to Dominants listen to your voice and nor society and others feeding a false narrative.

I hope she reads this. It's very important that she gets comfortable listening to that voice instead of bozos who tell her she is rude bc she doesn't answer a question about whatever.

All that brings me to your post to me. It didn't read from a conversational ethics position but rather an air of you finger wagging towards me, and that 2as confirmed by your last sentences.

The good old theory of they aren't really sub if they don't do A, B, C or act in what your personal idea is of a sub.

I don't bring my submissive bits to a forum thread, they don't make an appearance until I feel submissive towards a person. Which doesn't happen just because someone self labels as a Dominant or a Master.

I hope you were not expecting a thank you for you seemingly trying to put me my place wherever that is here in this forum.

I didn't realize we had assigned seating here in this forum.