New sub

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2022

Solace wasn't chastising anyone and everyone is responsible for calling our discrimatory behavior and attitudes regardless of whether they are Dom or sub. I'm a sub and I absolutely agree with Solace that the OP's comments were slanderous against men in general, and later, against older women, of which I am one.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2022

Just noticed the OP has deleted her profile and left the site. I wonder why.

Solace​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2022

I confess in hindsight there was likely a way to communicate I was more on her side in her grief. Though pain is a terrible thing, it does not benefit anyone to broad cast a belief that men are manipulative if they seek interactions from said men. We could do a sort of poll on the subject, but I believe prematurely that it would confirm Dominants seeking an honest dynamic would not seriously consider subs with such negative mindsets towards them.

If my response truly is the reason she's left, I find that immensely lamentable. It is my thoughts however that she was already on her way out regardless of this forums contents. Thank you for your support BLONDIE, though I will attempt to refine my methods.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2022

I get the feeling it was more my opinion that drove the nail in the coffin and I think you were more than diplomatic. I totally agree with you that maligning half the population does not lend very well to getting into a heterosexual relationship with one of the people you have just maligned.

I also totally agree with your statement that it's unfair for older women to offload their past relationship trauma on the current men in their lives. I feel it's our job as healthy human beings to heal that on our own before trying to engage with another person. I speak from experience here with more than my share of past trauma.

I think it is a glaring problem in our community that I see way too often -- submissives wanting their dominant to act as healer and therapist, expecting the dominant to read their mind, and wanting to hold the dominant accountable when he doesn't. It's really very toxic all around.

Solace​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2022

I agree, it is something I also see a lot. I propose though that unfair may be an unfair word. My thoughts on the matter are rather complex and thusly not good sustenance for this medium in their entirety. In short people have trauma with which it isn't wrong to hope or dream of escape from. I would however, argue similarly to yourself that is at the least highly discourteous to expect or make it a condition of a relationship.

To some this may appear commonsense, but I find it easy to inadvertently do. For example, I had the blessing of an absolutely charming girl who is a pleasure in my memories, but after work done on her knees she was not very confident in the marks which remained. Regaining some of her confidence was slow, and while it was pleasure to see her grow and smile when I kissed them this is an example of inadvertent trauma that Dom's might take on as opposed to the more explicit the OP may have been expressing. It is a small and casual example which can easily be extrapolated to genuine abuse or even rape. It is neither easy nor guaranteed for one to be equipped for these tasks and thus is one reason I might justify men who seek younger women. Its quite simply a cleaner slate where one can focus on their own metaphorical writings rather than working around the misuse of bad handlers and poor choices. Not because they are easier to manipulate and misuse.

I do not say this for ladies to become more insecure about their perceived flaws and to think of themselves as lesser for them. Rather I hope to foster compassion for the individuals accepting these healer and therapist roles as BLONDIE has referred to them, as well as understanding when it doesn't work out or Dominants choose not to accept these roles.

Not that the OP was expressing or intending discussion about such vagaries, but simply where our conversations have wandered.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2022

My personal experience is that older women are much more likely to have dealt with trauma and be able to engage in healthy relationships than young women. (Obviously men can be victims of trauma, both as children and as adults, but since we're talking about women here, let's go with that.) People abused as children (of which I am one) tend to spend their twenties and sometimes their thirties grappling with their pasts. Older women can (not always) get to a point where they have dealt with it and it no longer causes a problem in relationships.

I agree with you that relationship trauma experienced in adulthood presents a different challenge, mainly because the survivor hasn't dealt with it as thoroughly as someone who was abused as a child and has spent decades recovering from it.

I also agree with you that helping a sub thrive after trauma can be an empowering experience for both Dom and sub. It can enhance the relationship rather than detract. The difference (in my opinion) is that both parties feel empowered to work together to overcome the issues and obstacles to having a healthy relationship in spite of or even because of the trauma. If the parties enter the dynamic thinking that the Dom is going to solve the problem on the sub's behalf, or alternatively make it go away, not only will this not work but it will become a toxic mess of co-dependence that will ultimately destroy the relationship.

If you'd rather carry on this discussion in PMs, that might be a more appropriate venue since we've veered so far away from the OP.

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2022

It kind of sounds like maybe he’s married and that you’re not known about in his offline life (?)

If that is the case, from what I’ve observed in my time here reading of the experiences others have had with “serial cheaters,” you won’t be a priority… if you “rock the boat,” you will be told that your desire for time and attention makes you too needy (imo there’s no such thing as “too needy”… if someone’s needs are being met (usually emotional), they’re generally quite content, no?)… and your desire for communication will be met with avoidance or deflection.

Sound familiar? I may be completely off with this, but if it quacks like a duck, more often than not, it is a duck.

AsPetrichorr​(switch female){not lookin} • Oct 28, 2022

I agree with Blondie and Solace and their observations and opinions are valid in my point of view.
I learned understand men and woman and could easily disagree with author of this topic.
And yes this mindset that she lives with somehow needs to be worked on because as we say ''shit might hit the fan soon''.
I am voicing this opinion as a woman with much experience on my hands that doesn't reflect my real age in life.

Psychological observation is that character has suffered from mistreatment in past in matter of fact multiple times therefore that's were anger and generalization towards men and women comes from she just needs good patient Dom). Been in all kind of situations in my life so feels familiar but learned how to deal with it and learn understand them well by self reflection and by analyzing my feelings and wishes as well as my behaviors( possible this person maybe need s same).
Importance of loving and value yourself as well as pride makes also other to see you in different light and also that's where you become to understand and read others. These things made me who I am now.Recently I decided to become a Domme to someone who got damaged by others helping them to become better,more disciplined and knowing self worth and no it doesn't mean I will babysit and drag them out all by myself, I will just help them and encourage them to grow as person. That will be helpful for me as well as believe.

I'mME • Oct 29, 2022

Solace,
I see it in reverse on here coming from Doms towards the entire spectrum s-types and I don't see you standing up and speaking.

I'mME • Oct 29, 2022

@B L O N D I E

I don't believe I said anything about Solaces'd comment and what others have to think about it.

I expressed my phone thinking and it had everything to do with him chastising instead of just sharing his thoughts on what she had to say.

I'm not sure why you and another are telling me that y'all agree with Solace as if I said his thought was wrong.

I said he doesn't get to chastise others .

Btw I haven't put out what I thought about what she had to say so once again it's back to how I started this comment.