Red flags or just not cut out for it?

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin}

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

I would most definitely say keep far away and don't interact with him. Anymore at all. Even if you consen to something you can at any time change your mind, ask for time or a breather and be able to trust your partner to respect that and work with you to ascertain your comfort level and ability to cope. At the very least he violated you, he did not ask or discuss any of the things before hand because he was clearly worried you would not allow it, which is likely because he understood on some level that it was too extreme for you to jump right into. That he would willingly hit you hard enough to remove a tooth for myself is already a huge red flag (unless you're into self defense or extreme sports, that could be considered reasonable to an extent but even then red flag). The fact that he didn't want to discuss it with you via messages to me indicates he didn't want written proof from you, and it seems he deliberately kept you unaware of his intentions and lulled you into a false sense of security before pushing his own agenda. He is most definitely what I would term a predator at the very least, and has potential to turn violent in a non sexual/aggressive way if he doesn't get what he wants (purely guess work here but that's what my gut tells me). Additionally he was gaslighting and emotionally manipulating you on various occasions from what I can tell and most definitely trying to brow beat you into consenting by default because you didn't say no. He didn't check in on you and ask if you were doing okie, he didn't do aftercare from the sounds of it and it most definitely doesn't sound like he catered to your wants and needs at all. I apologize that you've had such a harsh experience with him and that he went so extreme, it is not your fault at all that he did not respond to your cues (verbal AND physical) and that he did not communicate and respect your boundaries. These actions of his do not fall under SSC, and he was most definitely wrong to push you that far that quickly without first preparing you and doing A LOT of communication and guidance first. Please please if you've ever unsure rather give yourself time and space, anyone not willing to wait and respect that is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!

Estaria(sub female)

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

I'm very new to all this...what scared me the most is when you said you smoked weed and it caused an unexpected reaction...but he kept moving along like you were fine? I have never smoked weed, but I'm assuming people normally don't become affected by it the way you did. Even if you didn't say anything, I feel like someone who was responsible and cared for you would have stopped the play when they saw how you were being affected. I would not want to participate in activities like the ones he was with you while under the influence of anything. I'm sure some people are comfortable with that, but I would be worried and honestly scared. You blacked out and don't remember half of what happened sounds like he took advantage of you.

I also agree with everyone else on not wanting to talk before hand etc. If you have issues voicing your concern maybe you can make a plan on what your boundaries/limits are what you're ok with not ok with before hand and even if you have to write it down and bring it with you....once you find someone trustworthy and respectful of you, someone who is responsible....you will be good to go. You shouldn't only enjoy some of it....when you're with a partner who knows what they're doing I feel like you both should enjoy everything that goes on.

I hope you figure things out and find someone who's willing to treat you with the respect and care you deserve.

AsPetrichorr(switch female){not lookin}

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Too many red flags that are becoming beyond dangerous, its rather toxic, with lack of respect and manipulation of situation and your mind. In such things its important, mutual respect, 100% mutual trust, clear verbal communication, however none of it was shown in that act. No matter what and who we are and what kind of shortcomings and flaws we have we always should take pride in ourselves and not allow something that is beyond our comfort zone. In my opinion he is rather using an opportunity in such matter.
So please take care of yourself.

I'mME

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

@Diaaa,

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry that you experienced this and from what I am reading between the lines, probably a lot more that you are not sayinf from past relationships.

I'm very much with Butterflies & Cuffs in where to start, so I'm going to start with ....
STOP. I want you to stop engaging with me. Until you are ready to sit down at a table with your clothes on and communicate with the person across from you about a scene, and negotiate. Okay!!! I'm not kidding , you could have DIED except you didn't when your last memory of the rope being your neck . Or you could have ended up in the bed like a carrot. Pretty color but not much else.
Do you understand that breath play even in the hands of experienced players is DANGEROUS.
he had a knife? He punched you so hard that you lost a damn tooth?

Hear me now..... This douche is not a Dominant , he or it is just a douche. That's right , I just wrote that.
Anyone can call themselves whatever they want . Where did you meet this douche?

Listen you obviously are a smart lady or at least you are ARTICULATE.
Do you ever at any time say no? To be frank it's gone past that now. But if you did say noy then he assaulted you. .

He assaulted you anyhow, this doesn't even sound like a case of someone (him) who just lacks experience to me. I know you do.

Please do not ever let someone tie you up that you don't know pretty damn well.

You mention that some prior kink sex before. Did it always go like this? Has no one ever talked to you , asked you what you were into to?
A sub has every right to say know.
Several times you mention that the douche did not stop. That is assault. If you want to pursue that with the law I will support you.

I don't want anything I wire to make you feel that because you did not or could not say no, that it was okay what the douche did.

Why honey, would you think that was okay? For him to spit on you and slap you ? When no discussion was had.

Do you know what the difference between the kink that is enjoyed by these folks and abuse is?

CONSENT...and consent each time . Just because you give it once to be slapped doesn't mean that they can forever slap you during a scene.

The Dominant and the sub can have limits (hard or soft) . And you should have had a safe word as well as another avenue Incase your mouth was busy to halt whatever was going on .

If you are half conscious, you can not give consent . There are situations with CNC, which you don't even need to worry about now. It's something that people who explicitly trust each other engage in.

That uncomfortable feeling you kept describing in your post, that is your inner voice screaming to be heard.
Hundreds of years of evolution have gone into all of us having that voice.

If something were to happen to you we wouldn't even know it.

I'm not going to say that you should be in therapy, bc that is not my place.
But I do think that you need to stop and cease meeting with strangers until you feel able to voice what you want or don't want.

Actually I think you need to get in a class BDSM 101 . Do some reading about why you don't have healthy relationships. I think you already have an idea of why that is.

I hope to hear back from you ..... I mean that.

I'mME

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Diaaa,

I had some typos, I hope you were still able to figure out what I wrote.

I reread your post several more times, and I see that you did know him before. I would not say y'all were friends or I would hate to see how he treats someone he considered an enemy.

... Oh, yes. If you didn't get it when I said STOP. please kick this guy to the curb.

Please learn what the basics are of BDSM, how to try and keep yourself safe, knowledge could help you with finding your voice.

I'mME

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Musetta wrote:

I’m so sorry this happened to you Diaaa. It’s a lot to process, and I’m glad you’re getting help with that and learning to set healthy boundaries.
Everyone has said almost everything that occurred to me.
One of the things I’d highlight, FunCouples recommendation that he (not this guy, because eff him, but the next) sit down and say exactly what he wants to do. And you both agree to it, in advance.

The other thing I’d offer, is that I love your sense of accountability. It’s true your boundaries need to better. Yes. But creeps and predators look for people who struggle w/ that.
You know this, but I’m gonna say it anyway. The fact that you struggle w/ boundaries doesn’t absolve the other person from being a decent human being. Sometimes the answer is to look at a person’s behavior and ask, ‘would someone who cares how others feel do this?’ And let that be your answer.

Love this ...

I'mME

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Musetta wrote:

Love this ladybug.

Defender(dom male)

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Well done for reaching out on here Diaaa.

It may have saved you from terrible things.

The Cage community will support you. Not judge you.

Their clear message is that your personal safety is more important than anything else. I repeat:- *anything* else.

Good luck in your BDSM journey.

You are no longer alone.

Diaaa

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

LongerJohnny wrote:

Leave this relationship now.

You are too quick to take responsibility for his actions. From what you wrote there is nothing about what happened that is in any way your fault or responsibility, or could have been prevented by you even if you had explained yourself in great detail during the moment these things were happening.

In lieu of going through your post item by item I'll say that I hadn't read half of it yet and I already wanted to call the police on your behalf and have this guy arrested for sexual assault and battery. Merely saying that his behavior contains some red flags is generous considering that, absent consent, every single thing that you say he did could be called abusive, and much of it bordered on criminal.

Him using your past experiences is not justification for his choices - it is predatory. Refusing to tell you what he was going to do when he knew you were unprepared was exploiting your inexperience - not complimenting your intelligence.

Drugging you, striking and choking you, beating and bruising you, causing bodily injury, taking dangerous liberties with your health and safety, purposely rendering you unconscious, and refusing to stop when you tell him to. These are acts of assault, sexual and otherwise. And last I heard perpetrating sexual acts against a person against their will (while they are unconscious, for example) is a felony.

Before we get into a discussion about how some of us like some of the activities you describe, how those things are in fact our kinks (and hopefully to avoid plummeting into accusations of shaming) I'll point out that you did not know that these things were going to happen and you had not, nor could you have consented to them.

And just when I thought he had done enough to clearly demonstrate how this was HIS fault and NOT yours, you're saying that he actually spoke the words "I’d feel bad if I didn’t know it was consensual.” Now learn this and remember it - all parties should always be absolutely certain it is consensual before ever engaging in any of the type of activities you described! That ignorant statement alone is all the red flag you need.

I think because I've been in more than one situation where my consent hasn't been a priority of the other person, I feel like I inadvertently keep allowing this stuff to happen, which is why I try to take some responsibility for things. I do still think accountability is important and that it's on me to work on myself and my ability to communicate and create boundaries, but everyone who's replied to my post has helped me to put things in perspective. He knew about my issues as he was a 'friend' prior to this. I had confided in him. He knew my past and my tendency to people please. I do definitely need to work on myself in order to be able to hold a healthy sex life, but someone who cared about me and my wellbeing, in any kind of capacity would not use my issues as an excuse to just do whatever they wanted

Diaaa

1 year ago • Oct 26, 2022

Musetta wrote:

Thank you for your response and being so kind. The last part of your response struck a cord with me because it made me realise that he was very aware of the fact that I did struggle with that. I'd confided in him about it prior to us having a sexual relationship. He once even said, "you're a people pleaser so you'd probably just agree to stuff and wouldn't tell me if you didn't want too anyway", which at the time made me feel even more so like it was my fault. That he couldn't possible know something wasn't okay if I was like that. Your response has helped me to realise that if he truly cared about me in any capacity, he wouldn't use my issues as an excuse to do whatever he wanted.