Advice Needed

Six Foot Four • Feb 17, 2023

First off, I'd like to thank you for giving me a great distraction from my own very serious issues. Much appreciated!

I think there's three categories here; self-knowledge, partner-knowledge, and a values question. Let's start with values. To me, this is sort of like a couple having the same answer and agreeing on the offspring question then that suddenly changing for one of you. This could blow your relationship up. Are you prepared for that?

How long have you been with your partner? A month? A year? A decade? There is a time component in relationships, and if someone tells you that they like thing X early on it's quite different than if they tell you after a long time. Early on, it's 'oh, new person feels comfortable sharing this with me.' Later on the questions might be harder and more difficult. He might feel like you're moving the goalposts on him. Do you love him? What would you give up for him? What would he give up for you? How committed are you to him? How committed is he to you? How committed are you to your career? Are your sexual fantasies worth blowing up your life to make reality? Or can you live with keeping certain things a fantasy? What are your priorities?

The self-knowledge is along the lines of what you want and what you need. Your job sounds demanding and your desire to make basically no decisions outside of work to relax might be a response to it. Have you always felt this way or is this a new development? Did it start when you got promoted past a certain point? Lots of folks will claim you can have your cake and eat it too, but that's not the way the real world works. There are tradeoffs. This next bit is going to be unpopular. If your BDSMey desires started when you reached a certain level of responsibility, then one option might be to take a lesser position at a different company and see if they go away. If they do then things could go back to they way they were. If they don't, then you still have the same problem but also you might not get the opportunity to rise to the same level professionally again. Were you happy before you found out about BDSM? Would you give it up for him? Would you give him up for BDSM? What does implementing BDSM into your daily life look like for you?

The partner-knowledge is about who and what he is. How does he like information presented? Is he willing to change or a creature of habit? There is a lot of propaganda out there, and depending on what he's on boarded, what you're asking might strike at the very core of who and what he is. There's a lot of good stuff in this thread and some terrible advice. How does he learn best? Is it by listening? By reading? By watching? By doing? You are asking of him a Big Thing. Talking does not sound like it has accomplished what you're looking for. Maybe he needs the information presented in a different way. Maybe the problem is not the presentation or the format but what you're asking. Change can happen, but he has to change for him and not for you. Change that is forced on us is generally resented. Humans can be contrary creatures.

BDSM is like a certain chain of ice-cream shops; lots of wonderful flavors. You need to find the one that works for you. Maybe it stays in your head as a fantasy and you just rub one out every so often. Maybe you like the club life; maybe you like to practice in private. Maybe you want to hand over a little control and maybe you want to go full-on Total Power Exchange. Maybe you want everyone to know and maybe you want no-one to know. There are real and serious risks if you're a high-flyer in the social space. I wouldn't pretend to understand what they are. But I bet you do.

I actually have some experience in introducing a vanilla person to this; both of my long-term partners were met in my everyday life. It's not easy but it was simple; the hard part was working up the gumption to tell the first girl the first time that I wanted to spank her. Said relationship ended for a variety of reasons but also because she "didn't want to keep running to you to solve all my problems." Maybe it was a case of square peg round hole and she was trying to be something she wasn't, but given that it lasted four years and it wasn't until towards the end that she was lying and cheating, I'm going to take that with a grain of salt.

I am going to come out hard against cheating, which was not anything you asked about but was suggested by some in this thread. It is a terrible short-term solution to a long-term problem that hurts both the cheatee and the cheater. Breaking your own integrity and the trust of someone who cares about you and whom you purport to care about is just... *mind blown*

My second long-term BDSM relationship has been ongoing for seventeen years now. She had a boyfriend when we met and when she developed feelings for me, I laid it all out for her. I explained who and what I was and said: this is what I want and need in a relationship. Here is a bunch of information. Go read this, do your own research, think about it and get back to me. *chuckles softly* She read the information three times hiding under the covers with her laptop and a flashlight and she could not believe what she was reading. She found that it explained a lot of things about her and her life that she hadn't really understood or had been problems until then. It just clicked for her. Yet when she went to sleep that night, her answer was going to be a 'sorry, not interested.' The things she'd read about were contrary to how she was raised and who she was supposed to be. Then that night she dreamed about BDSM. She dreamed about the wonderful and terrible things she'd read about, and when she woke up the next morning her answer had changed to an enthusiastic 'yes please.' I informed her that she would not be cheating on her boyfriend with me and that she had a choice to make.

I would have no idea what it is like to be an "Absolute Beginner" and suddenly have this whole world open up to you that is terribly appealing yet also a threat to your relationship with an "incredible vanilla person." For me, there is a depth of feeling and intimacy and trust to be found with the right partner in BDSM that I simply haven't found anywhere else. But I came to it young. I knew who and what I was early and struggled for years with reconciling my needs with who I was supposed to be and how I was raised. This lifestyle, however you choose to practice it, to me, is worth it. It might not be for you. There is a lot of extra friggin' work on both sides of the slash that is required above and beyond the vanilla relationship stuff. If you choose to proceed, however you choose to proceed, you will have to be vulnerable and open and honest, first with yourself and then with any potential partners, possibly in ways that haven't occurred to you yet.

As I'mME said, it's not all billionaires and bondage and kinky sex. Consider the source of your information and what their bias might be. If I were in your shoes, I would present the information to him in whatever way he would find best. I would explain who and what I wanted to be and how I saw my role evolving from what it has been into what I would like it to be. Then I would go over who and what I hope he might become. I would include not only the what but also the why I wanted this change. Then as Bunnie said focus on yourself and becoming the partner you would like to be. Encourage and love and support your partner. Don't blow your life up until & unless you're SURE SURE that this isn't for him and that is it for you and you can't live without it. You've got some tough choices and discussions and a hard yet potentially very rewarding road ahead. Thanks again for the distraction and good luck.

I'mME • Feb 26, 2023

Thank you.

Sculpther​(dom male) • Feb 27, 2023

How is it that a kinkster gets hooked up with vanilla in the first place?

Who misrepresented what during the courtship?

Did neither of you discover that the other was dancing to a different drum.

Yes, looooong talks would be a great answer, if, the talks are filled with facts, real feelings, and true desires being spoken.

If it was your intention to get your partner and then change them, you are like the unique teenager who falls for the biker thinking she will reform him. It generally won’t happen. My bro-in-law( biker) is living proof. Good luck

DrGrey​(dom male) • Feb 27, 2023

In the end someone who only enjoys vanilla flavor may simply never want to try other flavors.
The allegory of the cave comes to mind. Some may find a way out of the cave to discover a vast world that has complete freedom. Others will simply never want to see anything else but the pictures showed to them in the cave and even get angry of told there is more than what they see out there.
Wanting to let go after working a lot is a common thing I read across many forums. If I’m fact you want to let go of all control after work then at this point it’s either leave the guy you are with or play by yourself.
I am a workaholic by nature and I understand work is a priority for some.
We all have to choose what we want, and I disagree with those saying get a dom on the side. A real dom is usually controlling and not someone who shares, albeit there are some out there who don’t care how many they are with. Just by reading what you wrote it seems like you would rather have one partner and someone who can lead you all the way.

Just like work, find what you want and go get it. Some people just like vanilla and die with only one flavor. If that is not you then go find someone who will give you a taste of what is actually available to you.