Need advice on whether wife’s new Dom is shady.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Feb 25, 2023

I've not read every post here but by the sounds of it, your case would be in NY. Here are some links for you to read. The best thing for you to do is speak to a lawyer and learn how Divorce and Custody is decided IN YOUR STATE. Learn....learn everything you can about the process, the affects of divorce on children, and the laws that pertain TO YOUR STATE. The legal language is very specific so it'll take time to learn.

NY is not a "mother" state (meaning that NY does not favor the mother over the father in custody....at least, not any longer). You need to do a deep dive of learning and understanding what "Best Interest of the child" means (legally) because it's complex.

https://www.lawny.org/node/8/child-custody-and-visitation-new-york

https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/child-custody-in-new-york-how-new-york-courts-determine-custody#:~:text=New%20York%20child%20custody%20laws%20used%20to%20presume%20that%20the,a%20father%20can%20get%20custody.


https://www.nycourts.gov/courthelp/family/custody.shtml

Stevevo​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2023

Prostate cancer is highly treatable if found early; stages 1,2, or 3.

Ie they would likely be able to operate and remove the cancer from the affected localized areas. They would also be giving other treatments etc.

They would likely not operate if the cancer spread or operate a second time, if they found the cancer returned and spread.

Once cancer spreads it is in stage Iv. People with stage iv cancer have a considerable lower 5 year survival rate and are undergoing heavy treatments. Without those treatments to try get rid of the cancer; they will go down hill very fast.

I’d say if he’s telling the truth; he’s being very selfish and manipulative, and your wife will end up being his caregiver. She has no idea what she is in for.

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/prostate-cancer/prostate-cancer-prognosis#:~:text=Stage%20IV%20Prostate%20Cancer%20Prognosis,regional%20cancers%20of%20the%20prostate.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • Feb 27, 2023

Your wife 100% cheated on you. Full stop. To me, this is not a BDSM/kink- specific issue, because it would be a 100% problem in ANY relationship.

You need a GOOD divorce lawyer ASAP so you can focus on 1) getting full legal and physical custody of your daughter and 2) not getting screwed over and saddled with paying endless child support and alimony to this conniving woman.

Also, you need to stop being so concerned with your wife. She is not/was not concerned about you. She cheated on you consistently and ruthlessly. She has already lined up a life without you with some half-dead guy she has never even met. She seems like she is easily led, can barely care for herself, and has trouble with basic daily living and "adulting" tasks. (Yet somehow she is working for free in a pretty much full-time job for the random mofo on the internet that she has never met?) Doesn't sounds like you would want this woman raising your child and living on your dime.

You need to get off of here and start setting up consultations so you can find a ruthless divorce lawyer.

Mister Johnson​(dom male) • Feb 27, 2023

Initially, dishonesty is bad--across the moral spectrum and from every devout Faith, to every cogent codified set of principles about BDSM or D/s in particular. I all human relationships, we want to give respect to one's "voice", "franchise" or "free will", and therefore "Consent" is such a BIG DEAL. She didn't get your consent, and wasn't open and 1000% transparent with you. You could not possibly have consented, your daughter obv didn't consent to having her universe thrown upside-down by this interloper and parasite of a man (but, be aware, your wife may have told him a very different story about her and your relationship--to "grease the skids" and facilitate her little fantasy world--than you are aware of). Without consent, it's not legitimate BDSM, D/s, or any other "dynamic". It's cheating, lying and very injurious.

I have been with a manipulative woman once before, and my advice (from what my attorney told me):
1. do not leave the home. That's abandonment, and you forfeit rights when you do that. If she leaves, then she forfeits said rights. Check with an attorney in your area.
2. document, document document everything. Build a paper trail and a case history. Even in a journal, text messages and notes to yourself where you might document that you asked your wife about this guy, and she lied about the reality of the relationship. Copies of her emails if they are on a shared computer, copies of her phone bill (all texts and calls will be listed), IP address and emails, IMs, video chats (zoom leaves a history file under documents>zoom of all videos if they are recorded, and there will be a log of the activity even if not recorded.

I think the ship has sailed of her heart away from you. Lassez-faire involvement, especially with someone with a known ADHD (and other?) diagnosis was a mistake, and you do right to protect your daughter, and to watch over things more diligently for her sake.

If bad enough, you could legally go after the guy for "loss of affection", but unsure about that being much more than a bluff, but it does appear you can show likely damages both financially and certainly in disruption of your daughter's life.

I would look up a men's group (No More Mr. Niceguy--Dr. Robert Glover--might have some resources in your area) as well as find a good (not necessarily the most per hour--the one who will be your shieldbearer and help you get oriented mentally--otherwise this guy and your wife will likely clean your clock, set you up, and run roughshod over you. They already are doing that, so moving quickly and with good counsel will be wise.

Good luck. Come out stronger and reinvent yourself and be the best dad you can be for her and hopefully your next chapter is written with better characters and story arc.

Best to you,

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Feb 27, 2023

Let's not forget that in some states, infidelity is a grounds for divorce AND could be used to gain sole legal and physical custody.

Document the HELL out of everything! Most courthouses have "self help" centers where you can get advice and guidance on how to file for divorce/custody but also try legal aid, the bar association for attorneys doing pro Bono and your state may even have an agency that you can apply for free attorney services.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 28, 2023

She had your consent JUST for additional emotional support. By her actions you should be able to get a no fault divorce of which her messages with hom proove intent to adultry and you'll get full custody of your daughter. By yourebown word she has done this completely against you and by what I've seen of the responses here I'd say you need to getbout asap before you're emotionally damaged any further

Choose Wisely • Mar 1, 2023

Update: So I have talked to a lawyer. She said that because Kings County is a very liberal court, I am unlikely to get custody unless I can prove that my daughter is in actual physical danger being around my wife’s Dom. Potential risk or lack of knowledge about this guy isn’t enough. Plus because of how long we have been married I would likely owe around $1200/month spousal support for 18-36 months. That’s in addition to 17% gross salary in child support. I will talk to two or three more lawyers at least, but this is very disheartening news. This is a significant financial hardship. Her family is on my side though. Her father has offered for my daughter and I to come stay with him at his house and to limit my wife’s contact with our daughter. I may have to take him up on it. I don’t necessarily like the idea, but it’s the only option I have at the moment. I finally took off my wedding ring. I feel naked without it. It’s a weird feeling.

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 6, 2023

It's actually factual that if you can proove she cheated then she can be charged with adultry and you get a divorce in 90 days or less as a 'no fault divorce which doesn't come with alimony and grants you full custody

Sasa​(dom female) • Mar 9, 2023

Liberal County... so she is leaving into the lifestyle her very first time and gives not only herself but also your kid into the hands of someone she knows from the Internet and you have to prove your daughter is in danger and if that's not possible you have to pay for her adventure? I haven't known that BDSM is accepted in some parts, but that's not liberal, that's idiotic.
It is enough she is the mother and not how much she can take care of herself and your daughter. Strange world.

DominaeMC​(dom female) • Mar 11, 2023

I highly suggest what Mister Johnson has said about the paper trail. Every little thing helps. I went through this with my husband & the custody battle for the 2 child. Plus her behavior.

I wish you strength & light as you continue to fight for what is right for your daughter. Do not give up!