Making the first move

Nitrev​(dom male) • May 23, 2023

I would prefer not to make the first move. I feel this because, due to my gender, I am subjected to less bs, harassment, and dick pics, and messaging me directly would spare them of having to sift through their inbox to find a potential partner.

This is not the norm, and as male and dom, social norms dictate I am expected to message first, and I understand that, so when I have the means to, and I feel really good about the person, I will still try to send them a message first

Steellover​(sub male) • May 24, 2023

I tend to experience a lot of mixed messages on this in real life. On one hand, we get told, a guy is expected to make the first move, because women expect, and admire ,men who take the initiative, and so on. And when we don't, it's because of "Lack of confidence" or "Shyness" or some such thing.

But then, when we DO make the first move, we often get told we are "pushy" or "Creepy," or "Being annoying," or "Go away, you're bothering me." Or, if you even subtly try to indicate you want to push towards intimacy with someone you are already casually dating, you get called "Creepy" or "Gross" because you have indicated you might possibly be interested in sex- and keep in mind I'm talking only about vanilla dating here.

But either way- my point is, we guys get so many mixed signals it's hard to even know what the right thing to do is anymore. So my reluctance to make the first move, so to speak, has far more to do with politeness and etiquette, and trying to even discern what the personal set of rules are regarding the one I am interested in- than anything to do with shyness or lack of confidence.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • May 24, 2023

I usually make the first move when interested, though I am not opposed to the alternative. I tend to be pretty picky and have a lot of specific criteria for a potential partner, so I find it easier if I engage
I know how much the grind can such, so I do try to respond in an informative way to any approach, whether I am interested or not.

DoseofCam​(sub female){Owned} • May 24, 2023

For me it can be both ways.

I usually don’t mind making the first move but I would only do so if I know the other person at least LIKES what they see.
For me flirting and making the first move comes pretty easily. I have that natural rizz. (A big part of it is not being afraid of rejection)

On the other hand for me it feels empowering when someone makes the first move. Makes me know that 1) I look nice enough to approach 2) Someone thinks I’m pretty! Lol

Anyways, I think it is easier to be more confident online then irl since it feels like you can say whatever you want and the worst that can happen would be them blocking you or something..which still hurts but less of a sting then someone saying “no thanks<3” to your face and you having to put in a fake smile and be like “it’s all good” when in fact it’s not all good.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • May 24, 2023

I don't think the burden of the approach should automatically be assumed to be solely on either gender, Dom/sub, or Top/bottom. I think that stunts a lot of things that could be because too many people are sitting around waiting to be approached but they won't approach because they have some belief of "only [whoever] can approach first." I feel if a person is interested then just send a message saying so... how else will the person you're interested in know you're interested? A closed mouth does not get fed!

And yeah I'm all "just shoot your shot!" but even as a woman approaching other women, I will not always be direct because 1) I do not always not if they are interested in women and 2) as a woman, I know what it is like to be harassed and pestered and I will not do that to another woman.

In the in-person context, I do a lot of flirting. I'll flirt with anyone because flirting is fun. I have ladies I have had my eye on that I always flirt with (and of course if they are into woman, too, they also are not gonna initiate for same reason as #2 above... cue years of cute flirting until someone finally actually initiates and then the "omg I've liked you for years" "yeah ive liked you for years too!" exchange (facepalm... this has happened to me so many times in life). Sometimes, I just don't give a fuck and will initiate because trying to avoid the years of flirting ritual because I'm getting too "old" to waste years. I am currently in that with many women at this place and it's shameful and ridiculous but so fun. I love going there and just flirting.

On the flip side, I am often ridiculously oblivious to being hit on. If I'm not actively out on the prowl or hitting on someone or flirting or literally out just looking for someone, then I can straight up miss it. Men are usually always direct enough that I know when they are flirting or initiating and I can engage or not based on my level of interest. Women tend to be a lot more subtle and then it's not until later that I realize "Fuck! She was hitting on me! I could be fucking her right now!!! Right fucking now! HOW DID I MISS THAT?"

On that note: Ladies - if you see me looking at plants in the garden center, please don't subtlely flirt with me by looking coy and batting your eyes and asking questions about the flowers and what I like and saying how I seem to really know flowers and then ask me to come over and help you understand the flowers and talk to you about flowers and then compliment me again on how much you love how I know about flowers and then say I wish you could come home and help me with these flowers because my dumbass will still think you're talking about flowers and that I've just been super helpful to some fellow woman who loves flowers. Just say "hey I see we both like flowers. You wanna get lunch or just wanna go straight to fucking?" THAT I WILL GET. Fast forward to me driving home and suddenly screaming out in my car "SHE WASNT TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING LAVENDER. LAVENDER MEANT SEX. FUCKING HELL, HOW DID I MISS THAT?" Universe, can I please get a redo with encountering that hot woman that loves lavender and wanted to fuck me but I was too oblivious to notice?

Moonlighter​(dom male) • May 24, 2023

Last week I went to a play munch with my play partner (who is very much Poly) and while there we got talking to a gorgeous young woman who identified as a switch, conversations were about life the universe and everything and occasionally bounced off the subject of BDSM and where we all stood on the spectrum.

A little while later I'm giving my play partner an impact session in the dungeon area, she likes pain and I'm apparently a bit of a sadist so we were getting into it, when the same young woman walks in and asks to watch whilst wearing the tiniest little outfit, we both say yes and I continue my partners beating till we are satisfied ... and their ass is a lovely pattern, and afterwards I mentioned that I would have liked to have tried to play with the young woman.

My partner, a sub who is slightly older than me smiles and encourages me to ask her.

Push comes to shove and we are back in the Dungeon with the young woman across the spanking bench with (so I'm told) the biggest grin on her face as she falls into her subspace.

.... I'm seeing her again this weekend.

So to answer the question I'm normally quite stoic about it, I won't turn people away from play without good reason if they ask me but I try to get it to come up in conversation first, rather than just "Hi will you play with me please" I want to know I can comfortably converse with someone.

Doesn't always work out so well but sometimes you get lucky.

sexycurves​(switch female) • May 25, 2023

I don't tend to approach people, online or in person. That's just how I am. I never know what to say!

Having said that I have approached someone online here. It was nerve wrecking! But worth it. We are now friends.

In person, I am a wallflower, I would say. Very rarely do I approach, unless it's to ask if they want a raffle ticket or something like that.

As for being approached, online I don't mind. At least, I have time to think and respond.

In person, I either panic and my mind goes blank and I can't understand what they're saying, or I'm okay and respond accordingly. There's no in between.

I suppose I'm a wallflower even online too!

I'mME • May 25, 2023

Steellover,

If you message someone you are interested one time (your case a woman) and they reply , your are a creep, or anything like that, there is something wrong with them. Move on.
Because they are displaying some type of salty. (that's a longer chapter in a different book)

*Or, if you even subtly try to indicate you want to push towards intimacy with someone you are already casually dating, you get called "Creepy" or "Gross" because you have indicated you might possibly be interested in sex- and keep in mind I'm talking only about vanilla dating here.*

Causally dating, what we are talking where, 10 times, 5 times? Casually dating-what does that mean? Where did you get them from? If you are on Tender (I haven't been) I thought it was a hook up sight, but then someone on Reddit corrected me, informing me that it is both a dating and hook up app. Now if you have ever been on Reddit, you take things with a grain of salt, less you be down voted My recollection of when Tinder came out, it was a hook up site, like grinder. That is why I ask the question.
So where you find the women matters, and what you define casual dating as?
Someone who uses the word creep in these situations you described , something is wrong with them . It goes back to some my earlier comment on new ways to think about things that I'm seeing a lot of. This redefining of words, now I can add creep to my list.

You might be a creep but you were a creep when they started causally dating you, you don't become a creep bc you bring up an adult conversation. Feel me and I don't think you are a creep. Maybe they are the creep??????? Same thing on here or any other online. Jesus, the entire concept requires people to message people! So if one message gets that response , you see my point , those aren't your people, I'm sure it hurts your feelings, it would hurt mine.
The mixed signals can be for several reasons and some ladies here may not my reasons, men might not either. Women and men, don't want message after message all in a row w/o giving someone a chance to respond, could be a reason why someone may chat but seem wary. I can understand that, but the following are things thsg may be a reason for mixed signals, they want to keep someone hanging about till they check their other choices. Then there are those that will fill their time chatting w someone until the person they really want to chat with becomes available . I think your received mixed signals may really be your instinct your inner voice:warning voice.
If they don't have their personal rules listed out on a profile why not ask them?

Yes I'm a weirdo woman, imagine a concept of direct communication. All that above is exhausting.

I stand on this of women are using terms like creep, gross , for messaging them, keep going. If they do that when you bring up sex, they are weird. Unless they state they something to that ideology in the beginning, which goes back to where they came from. Once again direct communication. You seem solid to me, polite, so maybe you are picking wrong? If you are encountering this frequently. I'm an equal cocci giver to people.

Notely • May 27, 2023

I know this online but also if you go to places.

Well online just keep it simple change pictures , write , comment , also put in personal looking for friends things you like so on. Don't wait for occasion just be it show up for yourself write quotes share the flow of love the inspiration in the lifestyle without force. Getting out the comfert zone dusting yourelf off and try don't wait for someone to walk in to your life be the one. You can message people how are you doing I like what you wrote in the forum.

I like to get to know people on a personal level first with conversation. If we talk for hours we click I would say I am interested but I say I like to be their friends at first and grow a connection over time. But for each and their own how that works for you just I found this worked for me. But I don't chase or seek. I allow the flow of vibration serendipity: Finding something good without looking for it. Becoming a partner you seek the same reflection. But just being yourself what you wear like to do for yourself show up as it. I just allow my feminine essence to do all that for me but I like to dress in vintage things and be feminine but the aura and the personality does the rest , I never really had the problem they come up to me. Lady in the old days would slightly go by a gentleman and drop a hanky and walk a bit away when he sees it brings it back to her. This is a conversation starter and also makes it a little interesting to start something. I won't force anything because I had people try that it never worked. If I don't like it I am not going to either. Why just start as friends first grow a connection, enjoy each other's company and time see where it goes if you click you click life goes on. Not that not anti social but also just little selective who I talk to I will be polite if not the same just say don't swing that way or this not working but wish you the best , Just say sorry but I have to meet with someone nice meeting you tho.

But like at events depends grab some treats and wine walk around if thier is dancing, start dancing , you can go up to people who say wanna dance , Start conversation. I've been watching a movie and reading books , Or when you walk into a place say hello to everyone if nothing has started yet. Pamper yourself, be sexy for you, show up for you. Wear your best, never save for occasion. make some snacks for some of these events and hand out some samples or cards. It never hurts to try. Be approachable. But still keep your boundaries, never go alone, go with a friend or ask the host if they can help you if it's your first time. I use to go to goth night at the club me my friend went these two people walked up to us asked us if we are in the lifestyle we said yes well I had a collar and corset on , They told us about this bdsm club it was that weekend how we found people to get to another place. The girl that went up to us found her person slowly getting to know people.


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Re: Making the first move

MstrSol​(dom male) • May 27, 2023

For me BDSM is all about open and clear communication. As such I try to make my interest and expectations clear while being respectful. If the profile is detailed enough, I try to make the reason for my interest clear. Given the low rates of response back, I am sure in most cases my messages just get dismissed in the midst of all the messages female submissives tend to get. But, some wonderful relations have started from the seed of my first clear message and I at least don't end up messing around for weeks and then figuring out that our expectations don't match.