Advice

Advice

Ariel626​(sub female) • Mar 11, 2018

I am a submissive female. Today my new daddy wanted me to say horrible things about my ex/husband/ dom. He wanted me to say his full name and say he's a piece of shit. I could not do it I ended up crying and I can't explain it. I could not understand why he wanted me to do that. I can not understand why I couldn't... I just couldn't. Just wanted outside advice from anyone.

Confused

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Mar 11, 2018

Ooph. I think I get was he was going for, but it sounds like he fumbled it a bit. I've used similar techniques when the influence of a former Dom was strong and negative, but rushing into that like he did is swatting a fly with a sledgehammer.

( I'm going to assume that your ex/Dom was abusive or negative. It's the only way what your new Daddy did makes sense. If your ex/Dom was an ok person and the relationship was healthy, then run, don't walk away from the new Daddy... he's just a possessive creep. )

Any time you've been in an abusive relationship. the former Dom exists like a shadow in your mind. The sub's fears and abuse triggers are all tied into that shadow, and it's important to help them separate that mental image from the reality of the abusive relationship. The sub sees the abuser as a giant monster, not a flawed and weak human being.

A good Daddy will help the sub slowly peel that shadow away until the sub can see the former Dom for what they are. It's a long and involved process that takes a strong bond and a willingness on both sides to move forward.

The problem is, as you discovered the hard way, you still have legit feelings for your ex/Dom, as well real fears. Forcing you to confront that when the new bond isn't strong enough and you still see the ex as a big scary monster can fail badly. It leaves you feeling like you did, hurt and confused.

Ideally, the new Daddy should provide good aftercare to help you through this, but if he's left you in a state where you're confused, hurt and having to talk through this on a forum instead of with him.. well, he fucked up.

If his bond with you isn't strong enough, the aftercare won't provide you with the comfort you need anyway.. and that's a problem.

Done right, the technique looks like this:

-new Dom gets to know you, all your fears and triggers with the ex/Dom
-new Dom establishes a new, healthy bond with you that is stronger than the one with the ex
-new Dom slowly helps you become stronger, working over the weaknesses and bruises to your soul from the ex.
-when you are stronger, new Dom helps you explore feelings about the ex, explains the mechanics there and how and where things were wrong
-when you are strong enough, new Dom holds your hand as you walk up to the ex (metaphorically), lets you see them for the little gnat that they are.
-new Dom tells you to squash that gnat with your foot, cuddles and praises you when you do, lets you get a bit of anger out, then loves you again.
-you walk off feeling stronger and more empowered, having confronted a former monster with good support.

Here's what he did:

-he got to know a bit about what happened with the ex.
-he got jealous and possessive and pushed you to confront your feelings too soon.
-he handed you a twig and sent you off on your own to slay a dragon while he watched from a safe distance.
-he didn't understand when you were crying, shaking and scared of the dragon, and just kept telling you it was a gnat.
-he left you to wander back on your own, feeling weaker, scared and confused, and didn't cuddle and love you after.



Sorry for all that. Talk to him and get closer, or run don't walk.

Ariel626​(sub female) • Mar 12, 2018

Thank you for the comment and those who chatted with me... I'm new here n so far everyone has been very polite and very helpful

Bunnie • Mar 12, 2018

I can’t speak for others, but I know for myself that although it takes me a long time to trust someone and open up to them, once I do, my loyalty runs very very deep. A Dom that has reached the status of Daddy, for me, is etched very deeply in my heart. Even though it may have ended, being asked to say bad things about them would make me feel defensive of them and myself to a degree also. A few reasons.... I don’t like to speak badly of anyone behind their back, someone that I have loved and respected at some stage will still have a certain amount of my love and respect, in my eyes putting a person down doesn’t make you better than them... it makes you mean and judgemental... what makes someone a better person, is by actually being a better person. I’m not sure if this makes sense, or if you can relate, but it’s just some thoughts.

Ariel626​(sub female) • Mar 12, 2018

I can relate and agree with you to a point that's why I had such an issue. I have only had one dom in my life. I have met someone new after a few years being separated from my dom/ husband. This is a new relationship only 7months old. He's is new to the lifestyle and I haven't been with any dom but my ex husband. My last relationship was a bit negative. He was mentally abusive. It causeing problems in this new relationship. Im alswys tense n thinknim doing "wrong" or that he is mad at me.... Which is not true.
And my new partner is wanting to help me get over the big scary monster but he doesn't have experience. I'm not 100 % on what we will do but I love him and we both want to make this better and that's is why I call him daddy. He is not perfect and neither am I but he wants me to not feel that and is is willing to trynext to anything to help me get through he just didn't know how and I don't have the answer either so I need up here. And everyone so far has been awesome and helpful so far.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Mar 13, 2018

I think he made the mistake to let enter into your room your ex dom.
he should focused on your new life with him and you would have slowly forgotten about the previous life. My guess is that hes not used to this and tried the alternative psychology used in vanilla life.
If I may suggest you could ask him not to mention your ex anymore in your session.?