Apologies

dondomforher​(dom male){Grey Eyes} • 07/06/2020 10:56 pm

Apologize only for things that need it. If someone is always saying they are sorry, in my opinion it has no meaning anymore. Things happen that may warrant a apology ...

Grey Eyes​(sub female){DonDom4her} • 07/06/2020 9:27 pm

I am a person who learned in my vanilla long term marriages to apologize for everything. It kept the relationships "calmer". Honestly I didn't even notice that I was doing it, because it became so automatic. No doubt, taking away the importance had I heard what I was saying so frequently. By that time I was just trying to tread water.

Enter stage right....my Dom who immediately noticed what I was saying and has helped me stop the automatic response. Now I say it when I really did do something to apologize for and not as an automatic response to take blame. Probably a 99% drop in frequency.

tallslenderguy​(sub male) • 07/06/2020 8:58 pm

Thank you for your thoughtfulness on both counts. We're all different, eh? i dated a person once who would frequently lapse into long silences during a conversation. It wasn't 'the norm' and took getting used to. This particular person was very careful about their words and thought things through meticulously before answering. Usually, when they answered or spoke, the answer was remarkably well thought out.

Re my recent experience? Thank you. Honestly, that kind of behavior is so common with online meets i am afraid a part of me has become 'used to' it. Not that anyone really gets used to offense, but if it happens frequently enough, i think we develop crust or coping mechanisms? It was a sort of semi ghost move on his part (i see "ghosting" as avoidance).

The truth is, we all mess up and offend. i think the flip side of apology is grace. Ideally, given the fact that we all offend sooner or later, i think i mature person, and their relationships, have a balanced mix of (real) apology and grace. It's not that i can claim higher moral ground with this guy, i don't think, or want to get into the trap of feeling myself superior. That's really easy to do when someone truly apologizes, and i think some people spot opportunity or inclination in another and don't want to go there.

i think in the most mature of relationships, balance between grace and apology can be a tight rope walk, but i do think it's a good ideal to pursue.

Re: Apologies

BUNTARO​(dom male) • 07/06/2020 8:51 pm

[quote="serenitymuse"]I have run in to two men in my life who emphatically do not believe in apologies.
One says that life is too short for apologies. The other says that they are typically empty of heart and just serving to selfishly alleviate ones guilt.


Because of this influence, I am very careful, more so than usual, with my words and intents around apologies. Today I do not have anything to apologize for, that I’m aware of yet, but I thought it would be interesting to hear other perspectives and insights.


How do you feel about apologies?[/quote

Apologies got no value if you keep the same things you are apologizing for .

serenitymuse​(sub female) • 07/06/2020 8:35 pm

Just a quick note.
This is my first forum post. This medium might be a little fast paced for my nature to thoughtfully respond, but I am resonating on all of your responses. Thank you.

tallslenderguy - I hate that you got a half ass apology so recently.

Re: Apologies

tallslenderguy​(sub male) • 07/06/2020 8:23 pm

Yeah, wow, i think this can be a complex topic.

To the first guy, i think life is too short to hold grudges, but not to apologize. To me an apology is just openness and honesty, owning it when we fuck up. That, to me, is a vital part of any relationship? To not acknowledge and express regret for an offense is to fill the room with the proverbial 'elephants.' It makes it hard, maybe impossible, for the offended to move on or gain understanding as to 'why' the offense happened. i think leaving out apologies will ultimately undermine a relationship, weigh it down with unpacked baggage vs unpacking the baggage. We back bags when we are going away.

The second guys reason has some points. i don't agree with throwing out the baby with the bathwater, but an apology isn't always as simple as just saying "sorry." Some people are expert at being gauche or using apologies to deflect or dodge from the real issue.

i met a guy online on the 4th and he stated he'd come by at 9, after time with his family. i got prepared for him, delayed dinner, and he didn't show, no word as to why. A day later i get a note from him saying: "hey, sorry, things got a bit weird last night." To me, that's not a real apology, it's closer to the sort of thing the second guy described. The offense was not that something happened to prevent him from keeping his date but that he left me hanging without an explanation. It's 2020. He has a cell phone, it would have taken less than a minute to send a note/text: "hey, sorry, something has come up and i won't be able to make it," or something similar. His offense was he was inconsiderate and left me hanging, but he didn't acknowledge or apologize for that, his 'apology' was "empty."

Some people use apologies to shift blame. Some manipulate an apology to make the offended feel badly for being offended.

On the other side, some use apology as a power play. I.e., an apology becomes an opportunity for them to bank offenses to use against the offender, or to punish, not as a way to deal with an offense, but to retain it. And of course, that's complicated too. Not every offense can be easily fixed by an apology. Then there are repeat offenses for the same thing.
Not a simple topic. i don't believe the complexity of the topic means it's okay to forego apology, but i don't think it's always a simple, cut and dried, topic.

Tessallia​(sub male) • 07/06/2020 7:05 pm

If you haven't done anything wrong you should not give an apology because it devalues the apology that you give when it is required.
If you're concern is that the apology is aimed at alleviating your own conscience then word your apology such that it deals with the emotion your wrongdoing was brought about. You can do this by labeling the emotions you action have brought up, and in doing so you actually help to move them past those emotions because apparently labeling emotion disrupts the process of feeling them. This was something I learned about in a book on negotiating and it has worked well for me. the book was "Never split the difference." I don't remember what chapter it was in exactly it's been a bit since I've read it.

Mr E​(dom male) • 07/06/2020 6:45 pm

Apologise for the things you have done wrong, own them. Don't apologise just because you feel you should, but because it is right that you should. Sometimes that can take some reflection before you can accept it.

This is how I do it, anyway.

Bishop​(dom male) • 07/06/2020 6:26 pm

I would agree with IowaDom. I would also add that someone who does apologize is taking the time to acknowledge the offense done to the other person. I would like to think somewhere in there is the offender being empathetic enough to realize the emotional hurt that was caused, and the apology is an attempt to recognize that too. To not ever apologize is to make the claim that I could do no wrong and do not care at all for your thoughts or feelings.

serenitymuse​(sub female) • 07/06/2020 6:08 pm

In retrospect this was always referenced if I apologized. I need to go back through my memory Rolodex about their apologies or lack there of. Thank you.