How do you detach from your Dom.

Shelby77024​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2018

He wants to respect my views... he knows it is making me unhappy and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than it has. He's releasing me so i can find peace with one person.

Shelby77024​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2018

I don't cry or demand or cause drama but I do die a little each time and he sees that

Asteria​(neither female) • Apr 23, 2018

The question is what is healthy for you. There is no magic cure that will allow you to change your feelings in one moment, sometimes it takes a lot of time to deal with your own feelings.


@ MarcEsadrian

"helping you get over your axiomatic assertions of monogamy" - not everyone is polyamorous and sometimes this "helping" might cause too much harm.

Sterenda​(switch female){{owned}} • Apr 24, 2018

you really should take a couple weeks to detach and clear your head otherwise you will just torture yourself over what cannot be as you currentlly are like the others i would say more but there is far too little context being given here if you cannot control yourself perhaps ask him to block you for a set amount of time then unblock you and see if you are in a better headspace

MarcEsadrian • Apr 24, 2018

@Asteria

It''s not so innocent as that, in my experience. The immovable need for control in the relationship supersedes the love (and submission) one has for the person. That is the final analysis and underlying reality.

Silver​(sub female){not intere} • Apr 24, 2018

sorry to intrude i believe i may help. ive struggled with accepting poly as a sub for over 6 years now. its not easy and it does take work.
the point that was made about the fact that He can own you but you will never own Him is totally true.
society ingrains in us the want to be someone's "only". and then we can also be hardwired with that need.
what YOU really need to decide is if having the relationship in the form its being offered to you ..makes it worth working to have that relationship.
first stage is jealousy....feeling yourself get really physically hot like you are embarrassed is a real feeling. and jealousy will do that to you.
but it can be conquered.
a Dominant is like a diamond.....and your involvement with that Dominant is but a facet on the diamond of their life. Just like how they in turn are but a mere facet of your life in the total diamond that you are.
yes you can have great chemistry with them...yes its possible to really love them very very deeply. and thats okay.
some of them are very high functioning and they are hard wired to need way more than one person can give them.
it does NOT mean that you are any less of a person. it just means that they have needs and they utilize and extend their ability and capacity for more than one person.
We all have insecurities and its ingrained in us to look hard at ourselves and focus on what we think are our shortcomings.
A true Poly Dominant will have enough energy and be organized enough to pay attention to everyone they involve in their life.
They may have a sports buddy. Or a movie buddy ....or someone they like to have dinner with...while also cultivating bdsm relationships with a number of people there again for various reasons sometimes only known to them.
you are an adult. being an adult and really caring for that Dominant you have to work and find it within yourself to care enough for them to be happy for whatever enjoyment they seem to get with all the people around them not just you.
i know i sound harsh. But the people outside of you are not responsible for your happiness. You are. Jealousy is not going to make you happy. But the time you get to spend with someone you enjoy being with can make you happy.
Focusing on the time you spend with them is ultimately more important than the time you spend in a snit because they are with someone else at that moment. Thinking about what fun things they could be doing together is counterproductive to your emotional well being. It feeds insecurities and jealousy.

Of course talking to the Dominant about it can help. If they cant help you soothe your insecurities,anger or disappointment then maybe you should ask respectfully for the courtesy to be extended to you to allow you to have other relationships. To have other play partners but accept no other collars and make it clear there will not be a collar when talking to a new prospective Dominant or Top.
And if you are still unhappy and you need to walk away from the Dominant ...walk away and sever all ties. Make a break so you can mourn the relationship and heal and be ready for the next great adventure you find around the corner.
Ultimately Acceptance is the key for someone struggling with this. In the end you have to either Accept things are the way they are or walk away. Is it worth it to you to have that relationship? Only you can decide....but if you decide to end it ..let it go.

just as a side note...one coping skill i have for when the Domly is with another and i am missing Him is....i have a couple of His unwashed shirts that also have his cologne scent on them....i save them in ziploc bags for when im having a hard time and missing him. wearing it and falling asleep in it seems to help. And for heavens sake...do not wash them when you get them.


Good luck

NiccyKitten​(sub female){Owned} • Apr 24, 2018

Shelby, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a truly difficult time.

When my previous Domme released me and ended our relationship, I was desperate and tried everything I could think of to get her back, including changing the D/s dynamic of our relationship. The fact is that I am a natural sub. I can't turn it off, it's part of me and will always be part of who I am and what I can offer someone in a relationship. I doubt it would be possible to change the dynamic of your relationship, and if you could it wouldn't still be the same relationship you are striving for.
At the advice of close friends, I decided to get time away. I told her I was taking time away, stopped calling and messaging, and ignored her when she messaged me. It hurt. It hurt a lot, and it was one of the hardest times of my life. Eventually, though, I began to realize how much I was trying to keep something that was never going to work in the long run. Our individual needs were too different which made us incompatible as a couple, and I decided it was best to let go and move on. Letting go and moving hard is itself a long and hard process, and often times I didn't think I would ever be able to really let go.

To use an analogy that was meaningful to me during this time is: even after my darkest night the world was still moving, and the sun still rose the next morning. I found another Domme who wanted to take me as hers and her only. We've taken things very slowly and built a loving D/s relationship together I would have never thought possible, and I am happier now than I ever have been.

So my advice is that you take time alone. Go on adventures by yourself and try things you've never done. Visit cities you've never been to before. Learn things about yourself you don't know yet. Go out with friends. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to shout, then shout. Do what you need to in order to move on. My sincere hope is that you'll find someone who can give you what you need as a sub and proudly take you as their only sub. I know it's hard now but hang in there. You'll find someone can make you smile. I did and I've never looked back.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Apr 24, 2018

"set aside your possessiveness, jealousy, and insecurity, or realize you can never be his. " < lol... Here I'll dumb this down for you MarcEsadrian not everyone is poly just like not everyone is monogamous..

Shelby you tried and now you know what you dont want you may always see him as a Dom but he is not the one for you . He may have some of the characteristics you seek but no matter the relationship if two ppl dont have the important things in common it won't work. Put your energy into finding what you seek not mourning the loss of a " what If ".

MarcEsadrian • Apr 24, 2018

Yes, that's adequately dumbed down, Fyglia Wicked​, for I haven't argued the reality of either or. The point is these are choices we make, not hardwired directives that are impossible to get past.

Someone who truly moves and shakes us doesn't come along every day. Maybe Shelby wasn't all that moved and shaken. Maybe she just needs to go to the Dom Depot and pick up a new one who will fall in line with what she seeks. Maybe not. In the very least, I think we should all be careful about being so quick to suggest someone cuts cords and never looks back, even if that very person asks us to put it in a way that feels like a good sugar chaser. And I find nothing wrong with someone, adequately moved, mourning the loss of a very big "what if" in one's life. Second thoughts can be smart to have. That's neither weakness nor a foolish investment strategy: it's being conscientious. My suggestion in this life is to be slow to act, and when the time comes to act, do so with plenty of forethought and a well-searched soul. Taking time with oneself to ponder these things never hurts, and it's not a waste of energy.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Apr 24, 2018

a submissive has EVERY right to seek a good match doesnt mean a Dom will fall in line to do what ONLY she wants. That's the difference between Dom/mes who truly can lead and those who
" control "