healthy dominance vs. Selfishness

healthy dominance vs. Selfishness

Rosietimes • Jun 30, 2018

I’m about 3 months into a DDlg relationship (we’re friends a few months before that) and this is my first experience with all this. But my background is a 22 year emotionally/verbally abusive marriage to a narcissist including 10 years we spent in a patriarchal cult that taught a very unhealthy version of male ‘leadership’ female submission. So now I’m trying to untangle all of this and learn to do healthier relationship. Part of that is learning to ask for what I need and not allow myself to be used, disrespected, or taken for granted. Lately I’m feeling like everything revolves around him and his needs/wants regardless of what I need. Example, if he wants to work on music and he says just 20 minutes when I say I got 4 hours of sleep last night and had a really busy day, he still pushes me for 2 hours or keeps me up really late doing something he wants to do or comes home 2 hours later than he promised without letting me know he’ll be late (which I’ve explained makes me really worried and makes it impossible to sleep). There are all these little things but when they’re all added up I’m starting to feel like my needs are optional and I feel used because I’m driving him to work or cooking or writing him sweet letters or whatever.... what I’ve been doing better in this relationship is voicing my feelings even though it’s hard for me and he’s been receptive but usually it takes some effort on my part to get him to understand. I guess my question is where all this falls on the spectrum of d/s? Am I supposed to revolve around his needs and wants, am I the one being selfish? Or should I bring these things up to him? I have a really hard time knowing if my feelings are legitimate because in my experience none of them are. I know that’s not true but where is the line between legitimate and selfish/demanding? In my mind there is never a question of denying his needs and desires, but where do mine come in?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jun 30, 2018

Your feelings are absolutely legitimate. With your past experience, I would hope that your partner would be more sensitive there and realize that you may slip into old, unhealthy practices such as not speaking up when you're feeling used. Ideally, they should be anticipating that and checking in with you on a regular basis, encouraging and helping you to communicate more effectively in that area.

Where does this fall on the spectrum of D/s? Most of the issues you raised are outside of the bedroom. If you had said you had a Master/slave relationship, it might be more reasonable to expect you to comply with his needs and whims, but even in that case, the expectations, rules and limits need to be clearly spelled out. You haven't mentioned any, so I'm assuming there are none and you haven't discussed that.

Nothing in DD/lg or even M/s relationships implies 24/7 lifestyle level commitment. These activities can be, but they can also not extend much beyond the bedroom. Both of your feelings and desires matter there, and it's something that should be negotiated beforehand, especially if you're living together.

BDSM is not a shortcut to a compliant partner than never complains and always obeys. If you have to ask where the line is there, something is wrong, and some serious communication needs to happen before you continue. This may mean putting aside BDSM and working on the core of your relationship for a while. If you both can't communicate your needs and expectations in a way that leaves you both satisfied, stop and talk. Please.

Rosietimes • Jun 30, 2018

Thanks that’s really helpful. I think most of the confusion is happening in my head due to my past. And really I know the answer but I’ve been conditioned to doubt myself. I’ve made a commitment to not hide my feelings and thoughts in relationships anymore because I know where that path goes... anyway in light of that I started bringing these things up to him just now and he said ‘you’re right’ and I know he feels bad but to me there’s nothing to feel bad about because I just spoke up and he’s listening and respectful and caring. We are not 24/7 but we do sort of flow in and out outside the bedroom, mostly in a lighthearted way, I like this dynamic. I really have no complaints about sex and he is taking things fairly slow and we communicate pretty well about everything. I think it’s easy for me to slip into old patterns emotionally without realizing until it builds and then I panic a little, if that makes sense.

Bunnie • Jul 1, 2018

Something I’ve come to believe is that it doesn’t matter so much the “reasons” as to why you’re feeling the way you do... it’s more just that you “are” feeling that way. Justifying why you’re feeling how you do doesn’t resolve why you’re feeling that way. Being able to communicate that you’re feeling like that is, however, very important.
Communication is such an ongoing thing, and requires constant effort and constant self evaluation. I tend to believe that it’s all about quality... quality time and quality communication, creates a quality bond... which leads to feeling loved, heard and valued. Personally, my goal is to learn to achieve a space within my relationship where we can each come to one another and feel safe enough to voice whatever it is that’s going on for us at that moment, without the fears that can be attached to doing that. Kind of like a garden... you can grow any type of nourishing, bountiful plants in a foundation of good soil. But it requires a lot of time, effort and hard work to build the beautiful, nutrient rich soil necessary to achieve that.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 1, 2018

Your needs are very important and need to be acknowledged, for your sake but also for the relationship, if your thinking about long term stability.
Personally I would write a letter to get it all out (its more just a way of you understanding what and how you feel to write it out and clarify it for your self) you can then show talk or write to him? Your needs are just as important coming our of a difficult place and not having previous good experience can be hard, it might also be worth talking with another sub whom your friends with just to process your ideas a bit. He cannot act if he doesn't fully understand, you need to have your needs met and so does he, neither of you are mind readers, it might be worth up dating your limits list ? to ensure you get the rest you need. xxx I hope it goes well for you x