How to explain myself to a Vanilla

How to explain myself to a Vanilla

Xtina38 • Sep 20, 2018

How do I explain to someone vanilla what I NEED to be happy. I can’t seem to stay in relationships for too long because I feel so misunderstood. I need a dominant controlling man who I can learn from and grow from, as a person. And I also need his dominance in the bedroom. Most people just think it’s a fetish and role play, but this is my lifestyle, I need this, I just don’t know how to explain this to a vanilla. Any similar stories, or experiences? Or any advice? What have you guys done in these situations?

Change your flavor preference

LettingGo​(sub female) • Sep 20, 2018

People who want to stay in a non BDSM relationship aren’t going to be able to fill your needs and desires. Are you wanting to stay in a vanilla relationship because you want a specific person to become a Dom? If that’s the case it’s probably not going to happen. Like you they have wants and desires too. It sounds like you would benefit more from finding someone who wants to live the same lifestyle as you. It’s easier to be with someone who’s on the same page as you then it is to wait around hoping you’ll convince them to want the same things as you.

Xtina38 • Sep 20, 2018

Thanks for your response. No there is nobody specific. It is just very hard to find a dom. Especially in a land filled with liberals, and a bunch of feminists and men who have been demasculinized.. it’s extremely hard... to find the right man.

LettingGo​(sub female) • Sep 20, 2018

I think everyone runs into that problem no matter the relationship dynamics. Have you considered maybe starting an online relationship? There’s never any guarante it’ll develop into a face to face interaction but then again there are never any guarantees in life. Borden’s got your search and being a bit more flexible on your end might prove to be beneficial.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Sep 20, 2018

I would advise against doing an online only relationship if what ypu want is an offline one. It'll eventually seem like setting, no matter how nice the person. Long distance with
plans for one of you to relocate might be an option, though.

Realistically, you could put profiles on multiple sites, including vanilla ones. My Tinder profile said that I was "in a D/s with cold brew." A little nod like that will let those in the know know, but be prepared for vanillas just looking for kinky sex.

Bunnie • Sep 20, 2018

I went on one vanilla date since I’ve been exploring this aspect of myself. I had explained to him prior to meeting that I was a submissive and he had researched it a little and seemed curious so I thought all was good. He spent the whole night asking me about why I wanted to be a submissive and basically wanting me to explain myself. It got to the point where I was so over it, I just spent the remaining time waiting for it to finish. I decided that I will never date vanilla again... why? Because I would much rather go on a date where we already both know we’re kinky, so we can focus on getting to know each other as people.

Savida​(other female) • Sep 20, 2018

It’s got to be said, politics don’t determine if someone is kinky, what side of the slash they are on etc. Our community is diverse and has many of the people you disparaged up there, many of whom will be kind and welcoming .

People on that end of political/philosophical spectrum and who believe in those things or who you perceive in that way just aren’t compatible with you, and that’s okay. No need to be rude to them especially since you’re just painting with a broad brush on a bunch of people I’m not sure you’ve met.

The kind of dom you appear to be looking for would be a poor match for me (possibly the worst match) but that doesn’t make them someone I’m going to talk bad about, you know? We all have different needs and desires and that’s okay, but we can still all be respectful.

Stay kind and open and learn and work on self improvement in whatever areas you can do better in (we all have such areas), and you will attract the sort of person you want to be with.

DrWakko • Sep 20, 2018

Ltina your profile says you are in Los Angeles. From my understanding there are probably a good dozen play spaces in the LA area. The podcast “The Perverted Podcast” is recorded at “The Threashhold” in Near Valley Village. Google search Bdsm venues as well as munches. You might not find the guy you are looking for right off the bat, but you might find the perfect venue to meet him in.

DW

LatexHer​(dom male) • Sep 20, 2018

Vanilla - a flavor often misunderstood, or misrepresented! When it comes to a D/s relationship and in order for it to succeed, it must be fully understood by BOTH parties! One cannot hold a relationship together if the other has NO interest in trying to understand the wants and desires of the other!
Speaking for myself, I have had and remain having several relationships with married women throughout the years - mainly because they do not engage in D/s at home with their "Vanilla" -partners! Again speaking from experience - After many years of marriage most, almost ALL relationships begin to lose the passion they once enjoyed. People turn to exploring other forms of sexual gratification in order to revive the passion once enjoyed. Once any one partner voices their objection to these various forms of fetishes or sexual gratification - the relationship is often doomed! I believe that women in general as they age are more inclined today then they were a few decades ago to explore other avenues of pleasure now available to all!

The major complaint I often hear from men is, "my wife does not want to have sex anymore" while from women I hear "he just wants to hurry up and cum, and no longer cares about me!" Unfortunately, these words are repeated by people in many age groups!

Even long-time practitioners of D/s can become bored over time!

Bunnie • Sep 20, 2018

Haha... I wonder if long term bdsm couples turn to vanilla to spice up their lives if things become boring “oooh honey... please just fuck me missonary... oooh yeah just like that... this is so relaxing... I bet I could even nap.” Lol