Just my opinion…

From the beginning, you knew the score with him

had ways to protect yourself

he asked for pictures and videos

but did he ask you for you?

Did he get into your head, deep?

He was safe little one, I am not

You did just enough to call it submission

and in the end you Dom'd yourself

Were you ever out of control really?

you may have "subbed" for him

But did you surrender?

He was safe little one, I am not

He might have been satisfied

to not push your limits

with vibrator orgasms and

cum in your hair

half done tasks and no accountability

He was safe little one, I am not

You know what you get with me

not excel sheets unchecked

journals unread and sentences

for punishments? Really?

you knew what that was and wasn't

He was safe little one, I am not

I will push those limits

spank that ass

shove you against the wall

and make you breathless.

Remind you why we use stoplights

He was safe little one, I am not

She hit the wall tonight

her words

her anger

sharp 

jagged

like shards of broken glass 

I dug my hands in

said things I shouldn’t say

said things I needed to say 

silence

dead air
contemplating

my fate

please

no walls

Invictus comes from a poem by William Ernest Henley.  Originally untitled; the title was added later by Arthur Quiller-Couch and editor of the Oxford Book of English Verse.  Invictus is the Latin word for unconquerable. I will not be going further into literary analysis. But the word unconquerable has appeal. IMO it means that I cannot control fate, but I can control myself.

Invictus 

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

She did it today.  She said she had been thinking of deleting her account.  She  had deactivated it.  I sat on the phone as she pulled down her blogs.  I was really hoping she would change her mind.  She could be a voice- her blogs reached people- new subs talked to her, got advice- vetted people.

I am just vomiting up feelings.  She scares me when she starts withdrawing.  She's doing a great job of keeping everyone informed and I wonder if she includes him or if this another step in closing doors to him. Then, I wonder if she is climbing in her tower and closing herself away.  She says she's trying to stay open to the people who care about her.  She says she is conserving energy for the fight ahead and she is picking her battles.

We keep bringing them to her door.  I am sorry we tried to save her in all the wrong ways. I am sorry that my friend is hurting in a time when we should be lifting her up.  I am sorry to have to send her monkeys and not other happier things.  I am sorry for raging out, because I just couldn't watch this without wanting to do something.  I'm not going to catch a case of this.  But people do more damage than they realize and sometimes it is omission and sometimes commission. The result is the same same either way. I wish they could see.  I wish... I'm sorry

She is remarkable but some people don't see that.

I wish some people would see her like we do, porcelain and iron

They would see that she is the real deal; even when she didn't think she was.

Some Dom's would die to have half her devotion in a sub or to see that kind of investment in a dynamic.  The last time she left lifestyle we didn't see her for 15 years.  She closed doors and drifted away so quietly we didn't notice until she was completely gone.  The emails slowed and then stopped and until someone asked have you heard from _____. No one had.  None of us had a crisis- we were all pretty stable, for a little while no one was running to her to have their souls bandaged.  We let her slip away when she really need us.  I hope that's not what is happening now.  This just makes me sad.

My Niece loves The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  I refuse to ruin her disney-colored world.  I was sitting in the living room and considered the last week of my life.  Because of my niece, the phrase Topsy Turvey entered my vocabulary and now comes to mind.  I can be a domineering bastard.  I think in some ways it comes with the territory.  I am not a small man, 6ft 6 without shoes.  I usually tower over most women.  For some women it is a turn on.  Women who are not accustomed to feel dainty and small next to a man.  Under most circumstances, my size has been an advantage. Again for tall and curvy subs, it is a turn on.  I thought that was an advantage this week, trying to help a couple friends, it turns out, not everyone sees my Domination as a good thing. 

So, I admit that two women have me rethinking things.  The one that threw herself in my bed (not a bad thing) and the one that locked me in her garage, (not sure if this is good or bad).  It's complicated.  One completely compliant, her tall frame, her dark hair, dark eyes soft curves, a complete delight.  The other a tiny fury, a fire haired hell cat who's every look states in the royal plural, "We are not amused".  For a moment, the idea was pitched to have them both, sister subs.  Either one of them would have been a prize, I got greedy I guess.  When the offer fell apart, I was happy to have my dark flower.  I will be happy to train her and nurture her.  She wants to surrender giving me complete control.  I like that, it is in my wheelhouse.  

However, the same approach with the hellcat could not have gone more wrong.  I thought I could make her feel safe.  She saw it as bullying.  Like a lot of Doms of a certain age, (all of you guys that fell in love with Gor, I am looking at you)  we bought into the willful woman being brought to her knees, unbroken and being trained, prized and treasured.  We accept that most subs want to serve.  They are again prized and treasured.  I am not sure the little hellcats Dom knew what to do with her.  I sure as hell don't.  I do know my attempt to make her feel safe, infuriated her.  I do know that my need to protect her and care for her became a less than desirable event.  An event that ended with her standing on one side of door and me on the other.  When she tossed her head and said, "I will let you out when you say you can be a good boy." I was confused.  Shit like this only happens in those bodice ripping smut books.  She's sick, I want to care for her. It is my life's calling.

But there I was, unsure if I wanted to strangle her or fuck her.  Interesting, because I was supposed to be helping her.  I don't think it was a desire to submit to this tiny terror.  It was the overwhelming need to possess her.  Is it just me or are brats maddening?  Is she really a brat?  Have I met my match.  Do not get me wrong, I am enjoying the dark flower in my bed.  The marks on her wrists from her struggling against the restraints says that.  The sensual smile that greeted me says that.  This is not a closed relationship, its not a collaring relationship- it is still open, play partners. I appreciate her and she is enjoying that.  There are no expectations.  I am good with that, its early in the experience.  

The topsy turvey is, could I use a different approach with the hellcat? Do I let it go?  Do appreciate her spirit from afar?  Do I just decided she is not my type?  It is a lot to consider and I am still rethinking the way I handle things.  Remember, it is just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Dear 'Whatever the hell your name is',

She's such a good girl.  I have watched her struggle and try so much harder than you deserve.

You hurt her time and again because you can't be honest.  You think because it is online it is a game.

You discount her, you ignore her.  You offer her promises you never intend to keep; she should call you out on your bullshit

but she won't because she cares- GOD help her, I think she loves you, .  Something that you won't ever tell her. 

She is struggling right now.  Does she even tell you that?  Her world is heavy right now, but she is a trooper.

She is so amazing and she is struggling.  You are supposed to be her Dom, the one to protect her.  Her Master no less.

You can be there for other people, but not the one who believes she belongs to you.  Don't you see that the woman who

kneels for you, deserves to be precious?  How can you not see this?  What kind of idiot are you?

No sub, no slave, no woman deserves to be ignored.  She doesn't need to be put on a shelf, until you have time for her.

This sounds a lot like abuse from a narcissist to me.

Today, I sat her down.

I made her make a list:  The good vs The bad. When she started to cry, it was anger. I hope her resolve holds.  If it does

I would not like to be you.  I think she's about to exorcise a few demons. So, when you love bomb her in chat, I hope she is

rolling her pretty little eyes.

"Hope you have a lovely day".

Dr. Aiden H.

Quarantine left me with a few thoughts.  One, I need to work on my work/life balance.  Two, I have lost the ability to be social and three I need to learn to actually cook.

oh and for those that need their Bast fix Halloween pictures forthcoming.

I know some people who need to hear this.

Learn to swim… you won’t be afraid to burn a few bridges if you can swim on you own.

I have slept about 18 hours and all I have accomplished is this- it looked edible and had a pleasing texture.  It wasn’t charred - I consider it a win!!!

I think she has opinion about me and it isn't positive