1 week ago. April 25, 2024 at 11:10 PM
For context:
I'm taking myself through this because I want to be here. There are ideals that's have been developed since I began that led me to romantacise what it means to be a Submissive searching for my Dominant. Thankfully I realised in my research that what I seek is not far fetched. And intuitively my wishes have been on the mark. This pleases me.
Below is an article I found on a website called
https://blog.beautifullybound.com.au/bdsm/why-she-wants-to-be-a-submissive-the-importance-of-submission.htm
I took and copied the gist of it below in case the link doesn't work.
My point? This is what I desire to achieve for myself. These are future goals. I think there's nothing wrong with casual participation. Just starting out I choose to pace myself, refusing to dive into the first Dominant who crosses my path.
I've had the privilege of meeting a few wonderful people who have offered me mentorship and community and because of them I feel well armed as I navigate.
This article is one of many read in my journey. I can say hands down in my opintion it is also one of the best. Enjoy. 😘👇🏾
Beautifully Bound
Why she wants to be a Submissive - The Importance of Submission
Posted in BDSM on 1st March 2013
schedule Duration : 34 Minute Read
Why she wants to be a Submissive - The Importance of Submission
A while back I was searching the internet like a crazy lady looking for any information on submission I could find. I wanted to know everything about it, why people do it, do they just do it for fun, how far into BDSM do they go, did 50 shades of grey spark an interest or is submission actually just a part of them.
The more I looked, the more I realised how diverse this life was and how this life style is so important, if not more important than a "Vanilla" relationship. Subs need this, they feel most at ease and free and would not live any other way.
Is submission demeaning to the female (or male)? No, no one is forcing this upon them, they CHOOSE to be submissive to their chosen Master/Mistress for their own reasons, it makes them feel worthy and whole as a person....and deeply loved.
I did not write the rest of this article but have kept it for a long time. I hope you enjoy it and see submission, and why people choose this lifestyle in a whole new light.
Why she wants to be a submissive - The Importance of Submission
In my conversations with submissive women, one thing stands out prominently and that is very few men realize the importance that submission holds for her. It is far more than a physical experience, it is an emotional connection with you so meaningful that it contains her very soul. Though D/s is often very light and spontaneous and sometimes treated as a special sensual playtime, for her it is what is most real in her life. It is NOT a game. To treat it as such is to do her a great injustice for it trivializes her greatest expression of love.
Not all women want to be a 24/7 slavegirl. This manual is written for to the man luckily enough to have found a woman who does. In it I will try and express as many of her submissive feelings as I can and to give you ideas on how to treat her so she feels that being your slave is an intrinsic and natural part of her daily life with you, just as much as it has already been an intrinsic element of her being.
Submission is Erotic
Before I get lost in some of the reasons why being submissive is such a powerful desire, I want to make the point that being submissive is extremely erotic. It touches her sexuality in the most powerful way and when combined with all the mental, emotional and physical aspects of a relationship, it can often be the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience a woman can ever have. In fact, many women have confided in me that they are afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy. They fear they should they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a slavegirl they will not be understood. Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement. As her Master, it should be your pleasure to extract each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.
When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion, to take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for. She is depending on you, her Master, to give her the push to get beyond any resistance you may encounter.
Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Dom is essential. If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself. She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone. As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.
Though changing rapidly, most women have been raised to be ashamed of their sexual feelings. Being with a Dom who treasures a woman's natural sexuality enough to go far beyond where most stop is an extremely liberating experience for her. It also touches upon her desire to be able to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing her falsely imposed conditioning. Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Dom wants her to.
As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you. From time to time, have her tell you a "secret" fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy. It's often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally...
Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her. If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it. "Begging" can also be a way to encourage her to express herself. If you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don't insert it until she "begs" you to have it slipped inside her. In this way you are "forcing" her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.
Being Taken Care of
"I always found the D/s articles to be the most exciting. I found the men - their strength and command - highly erotic. I thought that being that "taken care of" must have been the most wonderful thing in the world. The Doms I talk to are forever asking me about this, I always tell them it's not the ritual (though I like the ritual) or the punishment that I'm looking for, it's the freedom to not have to be in control, to not have responsibility. I guess that's because, in most of my social circles, I'm the person who's expected to have all the answers."
A woman wants a man to be strong and to protect and watch over her. She wants to be able to relax in the safety of his arms and the world that he creates for her. If you can do that for a woman, you will see something inside her blossom and grow, and you will marvel at the treasure you have discovered that was always inside her but which she never felt safe to reveal, so afraid was she that it would not be appreciated for the incredible gift which it is.
Knowing she has your Love and Care and Attention
Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself. If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined. When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening. The first is that you care enough for her to correct her. It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.
If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you. If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed. You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention. This lack of attention may touch many emotions in her going back to her childhood years...
This is an area where the formality of the D/s roles can enhance a relationship in incredible ways. As the Dom, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you. If she "overlooks" a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything. The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be.
Stripping away the Pretenses
"The real experience, seems to me to be when the Dom and the sub (each in his or her own way) reveal themselves to each other completely with total trust that they will be accepted EXACTLY where they are at. We do not have the right to expect our person to admire every single trait of ours, but we do have a right to unconditional love. "We can find people who are pretending they are someone other than who they are anywhere, the whole point of D/s is to strip away the pretense, the little secrets about ourselves that we are convinced that nobody could ever love us if they knew about."
The following short exchange that may give you a better idea of how the exchange of power and her trust in you lets you find her true essence:
Me: It's all an exchange of power. The sub has lots of control, but the thrill is in giving that up in order to go new places inside herself.
Her: Honestly... I don't believe that in good D/s relationship that the sub is in control. My Master taught me that he could make me want things that I swore, initially that I had no interest in wanting. He really did control me, because he found the me I couldn't always find myself.
A Transition to the other side of Oneself
One marvelous aspect of submission is that it is a wonderful way to escape from yourself. The transition to that other side of your personality can be very exciting and sometimes difficult, but that's part of the thrill. During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another. For example, there may be a big difference in one's personality at work as compared to home. Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted. On of the great attractions to D/s is this balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.
At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carrying a great deal of responsibility. Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the children. If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude. When she can become your slavegirl, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life. She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after. Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care.
Being a Master
If you truly want to be a Master, you will do everything in your power to enable your woman to be who she really is, and that is a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it. Few men deserve the title of Master and part of what it takes is a true love of women and an appreciation of their intelligence, sensuality and passion for life, and then to have the strength and confidence to bring out the best in her. Please, if you love her, make her life as your slave as complete and as real as you can.
She cannot be Submissive if you are not Dominant
One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your slavegirl feel that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims. If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel. In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way. Remember that this manual is written for the sub who wants her submission to be a daily part of her life and the more she feels she is under your control and care, the happier a slavegirl she will be. It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship. It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an "imposition" on her. The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.
Never forget that her desire to please her Master is an essential element of her submission. Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it's for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own. Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible. If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn't work. She wants to be your slave, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.
Recognizing her efforts to Please
"The most "protected and cared for" I ever felt was when my Dom called me "princess" (I wonder if that is something going back to childhood...)" If there is one single-most favorite phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is "Good Girl". She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged. It is very difficult for men to understand that pleasing the man she loves is to her one of the greatest pleasures in her life. It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression. By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you.
Difficulty in Asking
You must take the initiative with her. If she has to "ask" you to control her, it once again puts her in charge and does not allow her to feel submissive. As a Master, you get to indulge yourself in what *you* want! Give yourself permission to act on your whim of the moment. Believe me, to a sub, this is when it all becomes very real and meaningful to her. There will be no doubt in her mind that you want her for *yourself* and whether or not she enjoys it is secondary. Only in this way can she feel that she truly belongs to you and is there to serve you. If you are going to experiment in taking charge, err on the side of being more controlling than less. I can't tell you how many women I have complained that their Masters don't give them the control and supervision they crave. Remember, your control is a demonstration of taking care of her and your discipline is proof that you are paying attention and will insist she does what is best for herself.
How to make her feel Owned
The feeling of being owned is one of the most secure and desired feelings a sub can have. She wants to be reminded at all times that you are in control of her and that she is safe and watched over under your command. She *wants* you to be strong for her, so she can grow under your care and guidance. Think for a moment of the potential your relationship with a woman who loves and trusts you so much that she wants to be *owned* by you... What closer bond can you have?
There are many ways to make her feel that she belongs to you and I will share with you some of my favorites. Ask her often, "Who do you belong to?" Not only does this strengthen the depth of your relationship but many women have told me it is very erotic for them to be told to touch and name different parts of their body and then tell you it belongs to you.
Here's a quote that will make this clearer: "Personally I *love* it when various parts of my anatomy are called upon. For example, during a spanking, I like to be reminded that this is Master's bottom and he can do as he wishes with it."
How you address each other can also be confirmation of your roles. For example, calling her by a pet name can indicate your position of authority while requiring her refer to you with some title of respect such as Sir or Master further emphasizes her submission. Being "owned" is a total experience. It means she is subject to your whims at any time and no reason is necessary beyond the fact it is something you want. For her, there is great excitement and anticipation in being used for your pleasure and never knowing what your next command or task may be. She may be fully clothed and busy one moment and naked and kneeling before you the next....
The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind
A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness. Listen to the quality of her voice change the moment she knows you are actively controlling her. You may find it grows softer and quieter as she lets slip away the more assertive aspects of her personality, showing you that vulnerable young girl within. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal. This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace. It is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her. You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual. Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.
Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space. It let's her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her. Try telling her firmly to be in your study at a certain time without saying why. In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she'll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things. Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it. See how this works?
There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive. Position and symbology play a great part. Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar. A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect. When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her. It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.
Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.
I like to enhance her state of submission by the use of a unique perfume. Have her wear it each time you have a special scene with her. In this way, the scent becomes identified with her submission and the next time she smells it, she will be more easily transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.
Attention to Detail
Your attention to detail is important. You know what you want her to do and it's important that you communicate that clearly to her. Beyond that, it has several other purposes. Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her. As her Master, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats. This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.
Limits and Rules
The Desire for Structure A submissive woman often craves more "structure" in her life and there can be many reasons for this. If her parents acted inconsistently with her, it can often created the longing to know where she stands in relation to them and what is expected from her. Never knowing what is acceptable and what is not can be a very confusing situation for a child. By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.
Testing Limits
Setting rules and limits for your slavegirl is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for. As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs - even unconsciously - to test her limits. This is an extremely important point. If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care. She can't feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague. This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through. The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.
A submissive woman *wants* a strong Master, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed. It's almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is. The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Masters are not "strict" enough. Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak man.
Be Consistent
Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told. If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real. If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real. It's like saying you don't care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.
Some Examples of Rules and Limits
The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself. I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better. This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them. Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs. I think you'll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in "assisting" her to accomplish them.
Household chores are a good starting point. Make a list of daily chores for her and see that they are done such as making the bed, all kitchen dishes put away, etc. Hold frequent inspections. Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she'll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it - which will be a tremendous relief to her.
Here is a quote that shows the subs desire for having rules: "I am very good at "rules"... I like to feel like the man has control in many ways. Not in my work life or who I can talk to and such but in our personal relationship. Little things like what I am to wear when with him... or certain behaviors I am supposed to follow... my Dom used to have me kneel as soon as we were alone together, and riding in the car I was to always have my skirt hiked up. "
Spankings and Discipline
It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline. She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them. If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for. Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you. It makes your control of her very real. There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment. Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it's clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the "punishment" aspect is just a pretense.
Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment. For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don't want them to be associated with a punishment" in any form.
However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this. We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub. If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.
Due to societies generally negative view of D/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so "strange" or "weird". It is often not an easy admission to make, so it's much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to "earn" a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.
The Desire to be Perfect
There is a tendency in some submissive women to be "perfect". Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that's something to be aware of. I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy. Here is a quote that illustrates this point: "I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn't sure if it was just another way to test limits... or the thought of the luxury of having something to "make" me do the things I really want to do anyway... but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way. "I have very high expectations for myself... I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful... but I think given these "gifts" that they should be utilized to the fullest extent..."
A submissive woman like this wants to be "pushed" into making a greater effort with herself. She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality. To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment. As her Master, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her. You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals. If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was "bad", but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself. In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.
Here is a quote from a woman who loves the thought of being punished for not meeting her own standards of behavior for herself.
"One of my fantasies is to have someone in my life just for the purpose of correcting my faults. He would make me keep a list of all my misbehaviors. Being lazy at work, or late. Eating junk food, or not going to the gym. Being rude to people unnecessarily. I would have to keep a list, and once a week he would come and read the list. Or more. And he would make me describe each incident, he would lecture me about it, he would establish a separate punishment for each offense on the list. And I would be told over and over what I'm being punished for, or would be required to recite it to him. Twelve swats of the paddle for this. Six strokes of the cane for that, you know. He would read them off the list in random order, call me out of the corner at any moment to take my next licking, send me back to the corner afterwards."
This is one of my favorite quotes because it so clearly illustrates the connection between behavior and its punishment. There is no doubt in her mind on why she is being punished and she accepts her punishment knowing how much it will help her to improve her behavior in the future.
For a sub, it is quite a luxury to have a disciplinarian in their life and to not have to rely solely on their own will-power. We all have chores to do that are not particularly enjoyable and if left undone it weighs on our minds and becomes a burden. As her Master, you can provide the "incentive" she needs to get what needs to be done finished and out of the way so it does not hang over her and drain her energy.
The thought and anticipation of being punished for not doing something is often extremely exciting and this enables the sub to tap into her sexual energy to complete her chores. For example, scrubbing the kitchen floor is not much fun but the knowledge that she's in for a good spanking if it's not completed can add tremendous sexual energy to her task.
You can also assist her in this by telling her that her work will be "inspected" and if not found adequate she'll be disciplined. By the way, the word "inspection" is a very *hot* trigger for most subs. Knowing her work will be reviewed helps her to focus on the task at hand to do the kind of quality job she really wants to do but has to struggle with finding sufficient energy.
Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness
Another aspect of being "punished" is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed "guilt" over her behavior. This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical. This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention. When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being "bad"), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.
Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings
Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one. In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear. Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them. If it helps, set time deadlines so she can't claim she was "just going to do it." Another caution here about being consistent. If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles. She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* - this is extremely important.
Preparing her for Punishment
A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her. Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable. Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment. You may want to have her strip in advance and go to the corner to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse. Or, you may want to have her place herself face down on the bed with a pillow under her hips and paddle beside her. If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you come into the room and then check her for wetness.
You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future. This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was "bad" or displeased you for not getting it done.
The focus of a punishment spanking is less on her pleasure (even though it will at least initially be very exciting) so you may want to give her less of a warm up than usual before increasing the intensity of the spanking. If you tell her in advance how many strokes she is to be given it may help her to endure the spanking knowing when the end will come. If this is the second spanking for the same offense, be sure to increase the number of spanks so she gets the idea that a future lapse will be met with more severity.
As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it's up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner! The point I'm making here is that even though this is "punishment" there's no reason it can't end in pleasure for her. After all, she has been "punished" and all is forgiven.
Some alternate punishments may be requiring her to write a certain number of punishment lines. This is more of a childhood punishment but is very effective as it has less eroticism connected with it than a spanking.