I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."
This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.
~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}
*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
One of the ideas my mom instilled in me when I began dating was that it's very important to see how you work with your Partner. When I was in High School by long term boyfriend used to come over every Friday and I'd cook family dinner. Saturday he came over and we would do a project around the house, then Sunday I'd go to church with him and his family. This was a "healthy" routine. That boy's father and mother were very on board with teaching us "healthy" in their way too. I would babysit his little sister and be his sparring partner. I was welcome and encouraged to attend sporting events with them. His dad had a tradition, every time he got paid he would pick up a bunch of flowers for his mom... and when Joe and I had been together a year his father insisted that he do the same. So dad and son would pick up flowers together and drop mine off to me on the way home to give his mom hers. It was a really amazing way to learn what a relationship should look like from all sides.
Fast forward to MstrJ, and e has a very similar mentality. One of the things W/we have enjoyed over our time together was seeing how well W/we work together. Our first project was when I had an issue with my door closing. It just *wouldn't*. It was not a safety concern, but it was letting the cold in, and we have no central heating and air. He had me place the camera so He could look at it, and He managed to figure out the problem from literally halfway around the globe.
The first time W/we saw each other in person He helped me fix the faucet in my mom's bathroom. My mom can be a HANDFUL, so the fact that He was able to not only navigate HER, but then W/we were able to do this project without wanting to kick something was *impressive*. In Hs home W/we have reupholstered His sofa as a first project and more impressively W/we have taken down, refurbished, repainted, and replaced His back fence. ^__^
That last job was immensely rewarding. W/we did it with the help of His parents, and working with them had in the past been a challenge. His dad is a perfectionist to the extreme. When MstrJ and I met working with His dad was something He struggled with, but over time it's something He has had some rewarding experiences with now. I think the time we all spent as a family on this project also showed them a lot about me and U/us.
Thank You for working with me, and allowing me to work alongside You. I love O/our projects. I love the memories they create. I love walking home through the back lane and seeing the fence. <3 I can't wait to plant back there this summer! <3
Sadly, this one will be brief as time is running short today.
I've had a very productive day. Woke at 4am to bike (15 km) and "meet" Master after He got home from work. Had some lovely conversations, watched an episode of a show W/we are enjoying together... went to work and had 7 out of 8 classes (that is insane btw) ran home, cooked for kiddo, cleaned house and ran out to the Dr. Got back and did homework. Biked another 20 km and just put her down to bed. I've cooked what He picked for today (ginger, onion, garlic, and carrot soup with a bit of browned noodles and the "oldest bread in the world") No, not mouldy oldie... the first type that still exists and is made today.
And now I sit to write. As I was on my bike I ran through dozens of memories... how to pick what to write about today. I settled on "I LOFF you!" and Peanut Butter.
My forever best friend used to have a rule against saying "I love you" ... now the particulars of the rule do not matter, what matters is the sentiment. Bill doesn't want it ever to be said rote. People say it for the wrong reasons, and it loses all meaning; according to him. I know that for a part of my life he wasn't wrong. I never said it rote, but I certainly said it for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong... I always always meant it, but most times I said it when I needed to hear it. Instead of asking "Do you love me?" I'd say it to reassure myself.
I never realized how deep my empty love o meter was. I used to love people the way I needed to be loved. I never really understood how much I was not getting back... that is until Him. One day I described Him as rain in the desert. He loves me back in the ways that I never understood I desperately needed. Not by constantly saying "I love you" but by showing me every single day with His time, His care, His understanding, His noticing, His words, and His actions. I could write a book to explain how He loves me. There are days that go by when W/we don't say "I love you" but I never feel that need to say it just to hear it back.... and when He does say it damn it rings loudly. Last night He came home and told me how much He Loffs me ... and it's the first time He has said it that way, and I smiled because I knew exactly what He meant and it meant the world to me.
One of my FAVORITE ways He has told me "I Love You" was in peanut butter. I'd been on a diet for YEARS, and one of my favorite things in the world next to RootBeer is Peanut Butter. Again, can't get it here easily... it's possible, but it would cost a small fortune. When I got to His space after a few days when I was rooting around the kitchen cabinets looking for ingredients to cook with I came across a GIANT jar of peanut Butter... and when opened I literally started to cry. MstrJ had taken a knife and carefully carved a heart inside the brand new jar... and then written inside "I love you" .... take a minute to think all the levels through there.... He went out and before I got there bought me a giant tub of Peanut Butter ... then instead of just leaving it in the open or handing it to me as a present... he took the time to carefully carve that message inside and then put it away just so I'd have the moment of "finding" it. One of my biggest regrets is that I do not have a picture of it. I used to carefully scoop allllll around the edges of it to avoid "ruining" it... until one day there was no way to get around it anymore... so I decided to honor it by making peanut butter cookies (He very much approved when He came home to a huge plate of them ... as did His coworkers the next day).
W/we have so many amazing memories that i know I will never get through even a smidgeon of them... but today when I was on my bike thinking over what to write.. (tied up car ride... gagged Costco fun.... etc etc) my mind stopped on one and I decided, yes... this is the one for today!
The first time I got to visit Him my flight was delayed. I ended up being in transit for closer to two days than the usual 36 hrs. I didn't get much sleep in the airports, too wound, and hoping that I'd magic my way onto an earlier flight. No such luck. My plane landed at 4am rather than 10pm...but it worked out for the best in the end. See, W/we are great at rolling with things. Had my plane landed at 10pm He'd have had some form of snack for me and then W/we'd have headed home. I wouldnt have seen much of anything and would likely have just passed out asleep. However, this way was so much better! He suggested that W/we make a stop at A&W (He knows that I have a tradition of buying a Rootbeer first thing I land Stateside, because it's impossible to get here)... and W/we could grab breakfast. Then He had an idea to take me on a quick hike first thing in the morning. One of the first conversations W/we had was when He was going to go hiking with a friend. On the way, they stopped halfway up a mountain and built an inukshuk. Over the years He has gone back to check on it... and this time He took me along to see it. So W/we decided to go hiking at 5am my first morning in Canada after two days of flying. Partway up the mountain right off the main trail there is a place to stop and take a rest at a GIANT but remarkably flat boulder. Weeeeeeellllllll.... W/we put the bounder to decidedly better use than "resting" and redubbed it "fun rock" henceforth. I adore this memory for all of the levels... I love it for discrete but slightly risky public play. I love it because of the thoughtfulness of A&W. I love it because that is just so me to be like "hell yeah I'll go hiking at 5am after 2 days of travel! Why not!" I love it for the inukshuk and His wanting to share it with me. I love it for the conversations up and down the mountain. I love it because every time W/we go back W/we look at "fun rock" and grin, yes, including the time W/we took His parents on that self same hike and all stopped to rest at "fun rock" ^___^.
Can W/we go back again this year? Maybe make it all the way to the top?
One of the threads that has run through our relationship has been dancing.
Lots of D types have ways of guaging potential partner's comfort levels. I've had a D type ask me to watch a video that was the most boring thing I've ever seen IN MY LIFE and give me a literal test on it. I think the point was to guage intelligence and willingness to obey? I did it, but that particular video turned into a favorite punishment of his....
I've had someone else give a questionaire... and then he annotated my answers. (I did kinda love that one)
But MstrJ wanted to dance. So one of the first things He did was get comfortable and throw on some music. A couple of days later He sent me a video that I still cherish. Covid lockdown was full swing, but he and some "buddies" were not having it put a damper on their favorite annual event. So they threw a socially distanced neighborhood block party. They came up with games and a rotation that kept folks within their "bubbles" but still allowed some fun... and then He sent me a video of Him dancing in the middle of the street. Not a care in the world. I think the thing that pulled at my heart strings was He called me by name, after having barely known me. Nothing hidden. No Ego... no games... just *Him*.
What He didn't know was that was a move I myself consider a favorite of mine.
My favorite memory of dancing comes from O/our first trip together. W/we were visiting my home town and there is a beautiful bakery on Front Street right next to the lake. W/we were sitting eating macarons and coffee on our last morning there when a lovely song came over the sound system. He decided to put out His hand right then and there and ask me to dance. <3
Nothing fancy, just a little slow dance in a corner... but once again, it's the way He makes me feel so special when W/we are together. It's like nothing and no one else matters. No Ego... just U/us.
So now there is a sign in O/our kitchen: "In this Kitchen W/we Dance" ....
Thank You for dancing with me Master. Thank You for all of the times and ways You dance with me.
The next 50 days I'm intending to take the time to share 1 of my favorite memories every day. Some memories will be sweet, some funny, some serious, some sexy... most vanilla some more interesting.... there will be no rhyme or reason, just what hits me on the day.
The first important conversation W/we ever had was after one of our very first "dates". W/we met during Covid when the world was shut down. I think W/we partly owe our relationship to it. I think if the world had been "normal" W/we would not have happened. As it stood, He wrote to me because He liked what I had written here. W/we wrote back and forth for a little bit, and I decided to vet Him by inviting Him to a kinky karaoke event. After one of the first weeks W/we stayed after to continue a conversation with another attendee. I really don't remember WHO started the conversation, but it was me and 4 other Domly dudes discussing objectification. One of them was discussing a workshop given by Lee Harrington entitled Lost Object, Hidden Object, Object of Desire. This set of a fantastic impromptu round table discussion by us A/all and then MstrJ and I stayed after for HOURS to continue the conversation. It was really important for me because I had been trying to put into words an element of my own wants and needs that I had not yet found words for.
This memory holds importance for me as a person, but also for the relationship as a whole. This conversation was a moment to lay the groundwork not only for finding common ground, but for acknowledging that W/we are all works in progress learning ourselves... it was really a moment of building trust. I also love how open You were to learning new things, new approaches, and different ways of viewing activities. I love that I got to have that moment of finally being able to put WORDS to a feeling.
^one of the funniest bits I've ever seen happens to also be by Lee Harrington. I still have yet to be able to attend the aforementioned workshop... *someday*.
This is going to be an interesting one to write. I'm not sure if anyone will be able to understand where it's coming from, but that's okay. I also will probably write a second one more on topic with current life later in the day.
A lot of people around here seem to be dealing with the fallout from some fake people. It's going to happen. It's life online. It's a threat we all know, and we accept as part and parcel of dealing with folks online. I have a man I respect DEEPLY on here who used to teach me: " Believe nothing until you are close enough to see the whites of their LIES." I have another dear Man who used to teach me about how we "Write our own script", because so much of interaction is missed in type alone we fill in the blanks, and it's totally unfair. Sometimes they aren't lies, or intended diversions, sometimes it's just us doing it ourselves... either with what we fear, who we ourselves are, or what we WANT to experience. Point is, we have all dealt with it, or will deal with it. It's life.
One of the hardest moments of my life was when I had been pulled back and forth through the wringer by someone for over 3 years. The person came and left out of my life over and over. I'm not going to talk about most of it, but I DO want to talk about one thing today... when I found out that the person had been married the whole time (and I had seen this man on camera for HUNDREDS of hours.... HUNDREDS!! When I had seen this man at work. I had seen this man art home. I had seen this man with friends. What the fuck more could I have DONE to be sure he was real? I had shared so much of my life with him. He knew my kiddo (side note, I accepted dismissive behavior from him that I judge myself for STILL with regard to this. THIS was the redflag I missed.) He knew my real life concerns. I was dealing with big real medical terror at the time... and I thought he was too. I was TOLD he was coping with some very frightening medical conditions with very serious potential consequences. I found out in the end that none of that was real or true. It really hurt me. I cried HARD to my Domme Momma at the time because I just *couldn't* wrap my head around WHY. WHY did this man do it? What the fuck was he getting out of it? WHY did he keep coming back? Just to torture me? I don't understand people like that.
She told me the thing that I want to share today. She told me that there is a probability that he kept doing this because he WANTED to be the man he portrayed himself to be with me. Some part of me he WANTED to be the good, kind, supportive man that he presented himself as. PART of him WANTED the life he promised and envisioned with me. She said that he left when he was so disgusted with himself at his own lies and that he couldn't keep doing it to a "good woman" and he would try to leave because he couldn't live with himself. Then he would come back because he grieved what he lost. What he could never be or have.
In the end I don't know if she had it right... or if it was just one more mercy. It's easier for me to believe that some part of him wanted to be that man. That some part of him was not so fucking evil that he would lie about cancer, lie about a history of abuse, lie about allllllll the things he lied about. It's easier for me to believe that some inner deep kernel of truth existed. Maybe it's also easier for me to believe that I'm not that stupid too... that I'm not that easily manipulated; ad that I didn't waste years of my life.
When we find out that someone played us, or hurt us, lied to us, fucked us over... it's really easy to live in the anger and hate for a while.... but for me, that did not give me peace. It just made ME angry. The peace came from accepting that I could pitty this man in the end. How sad that they feel so trapped in their own life that they have to turn to this? How SAD that they can't take steps forward, do the harder thing... and CHANGE? I had to learn the lesson a second time. In the very real and serious relationship just after I faced it all over again. No, he did not lie to me. He was completely straightforward. I knew every reality from minute one, but again, in the end the person could not take the hard steps to turn "fantasy life" into reality. When the chips were down the person balked and walked away. I think that moment was made one level easier for me because of this lesson: instead of assuming that it was all bullshit I understood: No, he WANTED this... but he was too scared to do the hard work to make it real. That's a him thing.
To people who are living the fantasy... please, stop wasting people's time, energy, and emotions. You're being unfair. Go read a book or play a game or something to live out your fantasies... or better yet, do the actual hard work to change your life and make it what you want.
Thank you to all the real folks who do the work to make their lives real. To do the hard work to live actual life authentically. NOTHING in life is easy, but living this lifestyle day in and day out with authenticity, honor, honesty, and consistency is HARD.
Thank You my Master for all the hard work You have done, and are doing to make life for us. I can't wait to be home in 52 days! I can't wait to throw my arms around You and then immediately bend down and tie Your shoe. I can't wait to cook for and with You. I can't wait to change the sheets. I can't wait to say "Hi" to everyone in town. I can't wait to caddy for You. I'm sorry that You aren't working nights anymore, because campouts in the van were actually fun. I can't wait to go see the inukshuk. I actually have something I want to leave at it. I can't wait to have fires in our backyard. I want to put in the hammock this year! I want to garden this year. I want to reorganize the garage and the basement workshop... and maybe the room under the stairs? I just want to come home. Thank You for all the ways You are 100000% real, and let's call it what it is: That is not easy. It would be so much easier for You to find someone closer. It would be so much easier for you to start Your life *right now*. Thank You for picking the harder path. I will make it worth Your while. <3
His slaveMikayla.
You know my motives You know my heart No matter what I'm doin' You see my secrets Right through the dark Who do I think I'm foolin'? You watch me runnin' You let me hide 'Cause You know where I'm goin'...to Seeking me Reaching me Keeping me in Your care, Lord I can't escape it You don't miss a thing I do You see every move I make But You know everything I need You don't let a care get by You You don't miss a thing, do you? When my heart's broken You dry my tears 'Cause You know what I'm feelin' When I am frozen You melt my fears Your gentle love is healing You feed my hunger You quench my thirst 'Cause You are my provider Leading me Teaching me Keeping me in Your care, Lord I can't escape it You don't miss a thing I do You see every move I make You know everything I need You don't let a dare get by You You hear every word I say I will never go unnoticed 'Cause You don't miss a thing, do You? (repeat) You don't miss a thing...No, no, no...
For quite some time now I've been fairly silent. There hasn't been much important to share, at least not with anyone I don't personally know. Being in a well established dynamic is a bit like that: in the beginning there is a slew of things to learn. Lots to accommodate to. In the finding and starting there is a lot to potentially share with the peanut gallery, because that part is exciting. As life moves forward things tend to smooth out. There are the odd ups and downs, but they are normal life things, if you are lucky.
That's where MstrJ and I have been for a few years now. We are comfortable. We know exactly what the other needs, wants, and expects. Yes, things change from time to time, but W/we communicate through those things and life moves on fairly easily. Nothing really exciting for anyone else, nothing worth sharing, nothing that would matter to anyone else.
Then W/we hit upon a topic and decide, yes, this is worth sharing. So for a while there might be more from me here. When I met MstrJ it was not "love at first sight" .. it was not "trust at first sight" hell, I took some convincing to believe it was worth a shot. This is not a knock to him, and it is VERY relevant to the topic. See, I'm 7 years older than my Master. Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things... but at the same time, when W/we met I didn't see it that way. Being the older of the two I was also at a different stage in my life: I was divorced with a kiddo (two actually). He had never had children. He was just getting out of his marriage, and hadn't even really begun the divorce process (no I'm not a homewrecker, they were done, just had to wait the requisite time to do the legalities). Looking back on it I feel ridiculous, but at the time I truly looked at his "situation" and thought "I'm not sure what He has to teach me." <<< I WAS WRONG.
Still, it was a while before I was absolutely convinced that He was someone I could follow. Someone who absolutely could lead me. Someone who was up for all that came with me.
We have spent some years now in that wonderful comfortable place of feeling very compatible.
A secondary thread has been a constant in our relationship... many family members in close proximity to U/us have a similar or slightly larger age gap. In some cases the male is older, in others the female. In each case the younger one has taken the time to sit MstrJ down and have a "heart to heart" about what that really means. Again, I'm ONLY 7 years older... but still... apparently they felt the need to "discuss it". I believe with all my heart that every single person has meant the best, most times I think they were talking through their own relationship struggles not even really aiming them at U/us. I never took it to heart. I never took it personally. W/we have talked about it over and over, and O/our usual fall back has been that W/we do not expect to do EVERYTHING together. W/we do not expect to NEVER change. Quite the opposite. W/we encourage E/each other to have other outside relationships and interests. W/we encourage change and reevaluation, and W/we communicate about those thoughts so that W/we can navigate O/our paths together.
Last week I was sitting for a moment and it hit me like a freight train... when I get home for my birthday I'm going to be 40. ....... It was like a stupid movie scene... trite. I was in high school just barely over 20 years ago... in 20 more years I'll be retired??? Middle Age. When the fuck did that happen? I don't know if that thought really "hits" other people, or if I'm just that cliche, but it did hit me. It knocked me for a mental loop. That same week I was on vacation at a resort on the sea, running up and down 5 flights of stairs 4 hours at a time over and over to do waterslides. I was there the minute they opened, I was the last one to close them down. Every. Single. Day.
I took dance lessons and did aerobics and step and and and. I'm NOT slowing down. How the hell am I 40?
Then the last day came, the day after the step aerobics class and damn if my knees didn't hurt. Yes, I pushed through it because I was NOT missing out on the waterslides, but they hurt. No denying it. Fuck 40.
So a few days ago I asked MstrJ a question: "Do you think it's going to be a problem? Does it phase You?" This is the communication He loves me for. This is what works for U/us.
Then He did what I love Him for... what I have learned to trust Him for. He got quiet and thought, and then admitted that it has crossed His mind. *Hold your horses, and put down the pitchforks... just wait*
He admitted that the conversations with the family members do play in the back of His mind. He admitted that when He hears the stories of frustration at the physical inability to keep up, and the emotional changes... and yes even the changes to physical intimacy changes it makes Him think. ........ That sucked to hear, but at the same time, it's reassuring. What would i rather? a polite lie? someone who doesn't stop to CONSIDER? Hell no. Ignorance of the self is not useful. It's unfair, and pointless.
I had to sit with that a little bit... and this is how I responded the next morning: (copy pasted with permission from MstrJ)
"Ok.... I'm going to plead my case... but I dont want you to read this thinking I'm trying to change any feelings. but I want and think I need to say it. Please dont read it till you are with me. You love me for my mind. You love me for my heart. You love me because I'm consistent and honest and constant as the day is long. You love me for my nature as a woman, a human, a lover, a submissive, and a mother. You love me for how I support You, but how I ultimately listen to You. You love me for how I support Your friends, passions, family, and Your dreams. .... none of these things could change when I'm 40, 50, 60, 90.... these are not age/state dependent. THAT is why You love me THAT is why it won't change. THAT is why I should not be afraid. You want me for things that are state based. You want my big tits. My curvy sexiness. My beautiful hair... You enjoy my energy. my fun spirit. My happiness and joy and ability to play. Those arent the reasons You LOVE me... they are reasons You want me. Those all might change... not in a year or even 5... but 15... 20? maybe? I could get into an accident tomorrow. I could get cancer or diabetes like ***person related to Him*** (I have no family history) ... but who I am and all the reasons You love me would still not change. I hope that when the time comes that you have to make decisions and "reconsider" that this is what you remember, and then every single day You wake up and decide that there is no decision to make, that You are lucky to have found me and lucky to be in love with me and lucky that You are the man I fucking adore with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. .... and then come and find me to hug the shit out of me .... and do it all over again the next day."
When it was read, W/we sat together and He acknowledged that all of that was exactly correct. Then He added some more.
So for a little while I might have some more to write, because now W/we are entering a different stage of things. W/we are going to explore some of the ways O/our relationship changes with age. I know I'm "in the middle." There are a whole slew of submissives who are young sexy things, and there are a whole group of mature amazing submissives who have already trodden this road. I'm open to advice. I'm listening. What do I need to know. What do I need to think about? What are the pitfalls I can not anticipate? What advice do you wish someone had gicen you that looking back could have saved you grief?
Thank You for walking through all of these stages with me. Thank You for loving me for trait based reasons not state based ones. Thank You for walking these paths with me, and for open honest communication. Thank You for promising to guide U/us through this as through all things. I respect You with all of my being. Thank You for being the greatest Man I've ever known and being worthy of that respect.
His slave Mikayla
PS... today's win... one of my graduating seniors walks up to me and says "I've finally found the next book I need to read: The Little Prince. To which I about died of happy and then tasked her with reading it with her.... person...another of my favorite humans (and my student as well)... and then to talk to me about their takeaways. That is winning.
apparently I get to go to the most beautiful place on Earth this summer. The place I had a picture of, but never knew where it was. I can't wait for these memories. I can't wait to explore with You. I can't wait for our adventures!
One of the things I've been talking to MstrJ about for going on 3 years now is the law of attraction... I've got a lot of deep seated and well tested belief around it. A concept that exists throughout societies, generations, all over the world would tend to have some measure of truth to it.
I wont get into all of my beliefs on this subject, because it would bore most people. Suffice to say I "meditate" others would say pray... some would say have rituals the point of them is to attract specific things. Those things change from time to time. This year is MstrJ's year of accomplishment. There are specific goals He is within sight of accomplishing. This year has apparently renamed itself for me... it is not the year of accomplishment... it is the year of closure. I've just got one more to "show up". Within this past year I found out some very... interesting... information about my ex husband. I reached out in support and honesty with no expectations of anything. Keep in mind this is the man who parentally kidnapped my son. We had not spoken civily in over 18 years.... we will never be friends, but the end result was that he apologized to me. We will never have the ability to speak about our experiences because my truth is not his and vice versa. He did also offer to speak to my son and "tell him the truth" or at least encourage him to speak to me about mine. I do not know if that conversation has or will happen...
My forever best friend, who was also my first Sir reached out. He is back with his ex wife. I have explained to him that I can not be an active part of his life so long as she is. This is because I am viewed by her as a danger... her actions prove this. I am not... but I am always used as an excuse to doubt him. His marriage is important. When they divorced it nearly killed him. I cant and wont be used as a weapon against him again. Instead of fighting me on it, he accepted it. This is, in a way, closure.
Mr. Richard last messaged me to wish MstrJ and I happiness. I think he truly believes that this is good, and as a result I've not heard another word from him... and in a way this too is closure. It's a compliment. He doesnt need to worry about me anymore.
Another situation from my past has also popped up within the past week and it has created a space for me to acknowledge the healing that has happened in life and how unrecognizable I am from the woman who first stepped foot on this site what? 7 years ago?
I don't regret any of the situations that led me to where I am now, because I'm HAPPY. I'm healthy. I'm grateful. "you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find Prince Charming"... or in my case my Master. I'm done with frogs.
One person potentially reading will know what I'm talking about...
I'm SORRY that you had to kiss that frog too. It all was unbelievably screwed up. I will never be able to understand everything, because I was fooled. I was so incredibly fooled. I blamed myself. When I messaged you first I was genuine. I asked if you wanted the history in order to make your choices. I was genuine. However the history I gave was missing a huge measure of truth because I did not know the truth. When I learned the truth it nearly killed my ability to have faith in humanity. It's when I stopped signing my name "Faith" ... None of that has anything to do with you. I'm sorry that you experienced the same or worse. I'm sorry for everything you went through. I will never understand self serving scumbag liars who would lie about Cancer and surgery and kids and everything else. I can COMPLETELY comprehend your concern that I might be "in" on it, or a part of it. I swear I was not. If I could have saved anyone even a part of the damage that I was dealt I would go back and do it different. At one point I had made it clear that I would take this to the authorities because this is a crime in the country the person resides in. Honestly though, at this point I just want to be done with it. I have not thought about this frog in years... and no part of me needs any amount of closure from that person because I've found my own. The closure I AM grateful is for understanding why things were sour between us. I'm glad I know now. I'm sorry it took this long. I don't know that we will ever be "besties" because I think we are vastly different people, and that's a BEAUTIFUL thing. I have a lot of respect for what I know of you, and double that for the way you reached out. For any decision you wish I had made differently to protect you or anyone else from this "covert emotional sadist" as I've dubbed him, I'm deeply truly sorry. I wish you JOY, HEALTH, LOVE, FUN, PEACE, HEALING, and every blessing in your current and future endeavors. You and Yours <3 Thank you for closure with YOU.
to you... who will NEVER deserve a capital ANYTHING on your name... you are right. You were a messed up toad. Correct. You got that right. Don't EVER bother knocking on this door ever again. There is NO door with your name on it. Glad you finally found someone who is "always a Sassypants" wonder if she knows that's what you called me? hmmmm. Sad. To you who dragged me through the mud for YEARS. Thank you. I found my strength, no thanks to you. What you did not succeed in doing was ruining my ability to trust and love. I do want to take one moment to shine a light on one thing for you... you used to accuse me of looking for my guru... maybe it's because I was looking to you for wisdom and guidance? I'm glad that I've found it in SPADES. I do believe people have the ability to change. I hope that you have. If so, amazing. I do not want to hear about it. Good luck.
for my All Ways
Thank You for all the ways You have helped me find myself, find healthy, find healing, and find closure. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are not two of You. Thank You for seeing the value in me.
62 days and counting till I'm Home for the summer!
It's amazing how at times all things work together to get a lesson through to me. My Master's opinion is the only one that counts, and He tells me constantly that I've done GREAT AND HARD WORK "transforming" myself and my health. Still, myself confidence is a work in progress. This past week on vacation we have really each focused on life in front of us.... He had his bachelor week and daughter and I had vacation. Everything this week has worked together to show me the truth of His words. The first night entertainment was a bellydancer... but she was NOT athletic or twig thin...she had a boy on her...yet she was the most CONFIDENT woman I think I've ever seen! I was doing a lot of thinking.... the very next day there was a Bachata lesson. I love dance. In a different stage of life I did dance, including with a previous Sir who taught me West Coast Swing and Shag. When the lesson was,over and they wanted us paired there were 4 of us alone... three gorgeous 20 something svelte Russian chicks and me. 39... curvy, tiny, ....me. out of NOWHERE walks this older but BUILT German man and he held out his hand... I did the whole look behind me for who he MUST be looking at... ME???? LOL. "Unless you don't want?" No no, I do. So Boris proceeded to pull me to the side, tell me the instructor is too basic, and he proceeds to teach me how to REALLY Bachata. He wanted me to go diving with him the next day ( I politely passed, but thanked him for the lesson and damn it felt AMAZING to have been picked that way)...Master agreed. He loved that He has a treasure others see.
The next night was a " Miss Hotel " Pagent... it was a joke of course...and the animation team insisted I join. They never had a " Miss America" 😉 so again.... curvy tiny me 39.... against 20 whatever Russian in a crop dress.... 20 whatever Estonian in frigging stilettos... a chick from Khazakstan who was ADORABLE newlywed... it was ridiculous, but I played it up. I was in jeans for goodness sake... but I can sing 😉 and I've got jokes. When the audience applauded so loud for me to stay I was LEGIT shocked. It ended up being me vs Russia and I joked it would be a diplomatic crisis. ... the final was bellydance and APPARENTLY I learned my lessons well..... I won! They came up to me after to say NEVER have Russians voted for the non Russian person...and little kids were coming up to me to hug me... every bigger woman in the crowd was "on .y side" ... it was absolutely incredible.
Last night, there were Latin dancers and the message really hit home. The chick with a curvier body type had the most AMAZING stage presence. She just outshone them all.
So i get it.... confidence in where I'm at ... and in His pleasure with me.
Thank you for teaching me. Thank You for seeing me as Your treasure.
" I want you and O/ our daughter to have this"... the words my Master said as he booked our vacation.
Last year at this time W/ we were enjoying time together. This year, we can't; He is stuck on that side of the ocean without a visitor visa. That didnt stop Him though; He did us one better.... He sent us on vacation ( daugher and i).
I'm laying on a chair beside waterside, O/our daughter is running up the stairs to slide down the waterside again.... and I'm in tears of geatitude.
He wanted this for us. I earned this in His eyes. THAT is POWERFUL. I'm sitting here thinking of how I can thank Him for taking care of me as a mom, as a teacher,and as His girl... Our daughter is yelling "Mommy come play with us!!!" So I am going to go slide with them.... and im going to live in gratitude. My Master loves me so much and thinks I deserve *this* .... fuck I'm lucky...