For quite some time now I've been fairly silent. There hasn't been much important to share, at least not with anyone I don't personally know. Being in a well established dynamic is a bit like that: in the beginning there is a slew of things to learn. Lots to accommodate to. In the finding and starting there is a lot to potentially share with the peanut gallery, because that part is exciting. As life moves forward things tend to smooth out. There are the odd ups and downs, but they are normal life things, if you are lucky.
That's where MstrJ and I have been for a few years now. We are comfortable. We know exactly what the other needs, wants, and expects. Yes, things change from time to time, but W/we communicate through those things and life moves on fairly easily. Nothing really exciting for anyone else, nothing worth sharing, nothing that would matter to anyone else.
Then W/we hit upon a topic and decide, yes, this is worth sharing. So for a while there might be more from me here. When I met MstrJ it was not "love at first sight" .. it was not "trust at first sight" hell, I took some convincing to believe it was worth a shot. This is not a knock to him, and it is VERY relevant to the topic. See, I'm 7 years older than my Master. Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things... but at the same time, when W/we met I didn't see it that way. Being the older of the two I was also at a different stage in my life: I was divorced with a kiddo (two actually). He had never had children. He was just getting out of his marriage, and hadn't even really begun the divorce process (no I'm not a homewrecker, they were done, just had to wait the requisite time to do the legalities). Looking back on it I feel ridiculous, but at the time I truly looked at his "situation" and thought "I'm not sure what He has to teach me." <<< I WAS WRONG.
Still, it was a while before I was absolutely convinced that He was someone I could follow. Someone who absolutely could lead me. Someone who was up for all that came with me.
We have spent some years now in that wonderful comfortable place of feeling very compatible.
A secondary thread has been a constant in our relationship... many family members in close proximity to U/us have a similar or slightly larger age gap. In some cases the male is older, in others the female. In each case the younger one has taken the time to sit MstrJ down and have a "heart to heart" about what that really means. Again, I'm ONLY 7 years older... but still... apparently they felt the need to "discuss it". I believe with all my heart that every single person has meant the best, most times I think they were talking through their own relationship struggles not even really aiming them at U/us. I never took it to heart. I never took it personally. W/we have talked about it over and over, and O/our usual fall back has been that W/we do not expect to do EVERYTHING together. W/we do not expect to NEVER change. Quite the opposite. W/we encourage E/each other to have other outside relationships and interests. W/we encourage change and reevaluation, and W/we communicate about those thoughts so that W/we can navigate O/our paths together.
Last week I was sitting for a moment and it hit me like a freight train... when I get home for my birthday I'm going to be 40. ....... It was like a stupid movie scene... trite. I was in high school just barely over 20 years ago... in 20 more years I'll be retired??? Middle Age. When the fuck did that happen? I don't know if that thought really "hits" other people, or if I'm just that cliche, but it did hit me. It knocked me for a mental loop. That same week I was on vacation at a resort on the sea, running up and down 5 flights of stairs 4 hours at a time over and over to do waterslides. I was there the minute they opened, I was the last one to close them down. Every. Single. Day.
I took dance lessons and did aerobics and step and and and. I'm NOT slowing down. How the hell am I 40?
Then the last day came, the day after the step aerobics class and damn if my knees didn't hurt. Yes, I pushed through it because I was NOT missing out on the waterslides, but they hurt. No denying it. Fuck 40.
So a few days ago I asked MstrJ a question: "Do you think it's going to be a problem? Does it phase You?" This is the communication He loves me for. This is what works for U/us.
Then He did what I love Him for... what I have learned to trust Him for. He got quiet and thought, and then admitted that it has crossed His mind. *Hold your horses, and put down the pitchforks... just wait*
He admitted that the conversations with the family members do play in the back of His mind. He admitted that when He hears the stories of frustration at the physical inability to keep up, and the emotional changes... and yes even the changes to physical intimacy changes it makes Him think. ........ That sucked to hear, but at the same time, it's reassuring. What would i rather? a polite lie? someone who doesn't stop to CONSIDER? Hell no. Ignorance of the self is not useful. It's unfair, and pointless.
I had to sit with that a little bit... and this is how I responded the next morning: (copy pasted with permission from MstrJ)
"Ok.... I'm going to plead my case... but I dont want you to read this thinking I'm trying to change any feelings. but I want and think I need to say it. Please dont read it till you are with me.
You love me for my mind. You love me for my heart. You love me because I'm consistent and honest and constant as the day is long. You love me for my nature as a woman, a human, a lover, a submissive, and a mother. You love me for how I support You, but how I ultimately listen to You. You love me for how I support Your friends, passions, family, and Your dreams. .... none of these things could change when I'm 40, 50, 60, 90.... these are not age/state dependent. THAT is why You love me
THAT is why it won't change. THAT is why I should not be afraid.
You want me for things that are state based. You want my big tits. My curvy sexiness. My beautiful hair... You enjoy my energy. my fun spirit. My happiness and joy and ability to play. Those arent the reasons You LOVE me... they are reasons You want me.
Those all might change... not in a year or even 5... but 15... 20? maybe?
I could get into an accident tomorrow. I could get cancer or diabetes like ***person related to Him*** (I have no family history) ... but who I am and all the reasons You love me would still not change.
I hope that when the time comes that you have to make decisions and "reconsider" that this is what you remember, and then every single day You wake up and decide that there is no decision to make, that You are lucky to have found me and lucky to be in love with me and lucky that You are the man I fucking adore with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. .... and then come and find me to hug the shit out of me .... and do it all over again the next day."
When it was read, W/we sat together and He acknowledged that all of that was exactly correct. Then He added some more.
So for a little while I might have some more to write, because now W/we are entering a different stage of things. W/we are going to explore some of the ways O/our relationship changes with age. I know I'm "in the middle." There are a whole slew of submissives who are young sexy things, and there are a whole group of mature amazing submissives who have already trodden this road. I'm open to advice. I'm listening. What do I need to know. What do I need to think about? What are the pitfalls I can not anticipate? What advice do you wish someone had gicen you that looking back could have saved you grief?
Thank You for walking through all of these stages with me. Thank You for loving me for trait based reasons not state based ones. Thank You for walking these paths with me, and for open honest communication. Thank You for promising to guide U/us through this as through all things. I respect You with all of my being. Thank You for being the greatest Man I've ever known and being worthy of that respect.
His slave Mikayla
PS... today's win... one of my graduating seniors walks up to me and says "I've finally found the next book I need to read: The Little Prince. To which I about died of happy and then tasked her with reading it with her.... person...another of my favorite humans (and my student as well)... and then to talk to me about their takeaways. That is winning.
apparently I get to go to the most beautiful place on Earth this summer. The place I had a picture of, but never knew where it was. I can't wait for these memories. I can't wait to explore with You. I can't wait for our adventures!
