This is going to be an interesting one to write. I'm not sure if anyone will be able to understand where it's coming from, but that's okay. I also will probably write a second one more on topic with current life later in the day.
A lot of people around here seem to be dealing with the fallout from some fake people. It's going to happen. It's life online. It's a threat we all know, and we accept as part and parcel of dealing with folks online. I have a man I respect DEEPLY on here who used to teach me: " Believe nothing until you are close enough to see the whites of their LIES." I have another dear Man who used to teach me about how we "Write our own script", because so much of interaction is missed in type alone we fill in the blanks, and it's totally unfair. Sometimes they aren't lies, or intended diversions, sometimes it's just us doing it ourselves... either with what we fear, who we ourselves are, or what we WANT to experience. Point is, we have all dealt with it, or will deal with it. It's life.
One of the hardest moments of my life was when I had been pulled back and forth through the wringer by someone for over 3 years. The person came and left out of my life over and over. I'm not going to talk about most of it, but I DO want to talk about one thing today... when I found out that the person had been married the whole time (and I had seen this man on camera for HUNDREDS of hours.... HUNDREDS!! When I had seen this man at work. I had seen this man art home. I had seen this man with friends. What the fuck more could I have DONE to be sure he was real? I had shared so much of my life with him. He knew my kiddo (side note, I accepted dismissive behavior from him that I judge myself for STILL with regard to this. THIS was the redflag I missed.) He knew my real life concerns. I was dealing with big real medical terror at the time... and I thought he was too. I was TOLD he was coping with some very frightening medical conditions with very serious potential consequences. I found out in the end that none of that was real or true. It really hurt me. I cried HARD to my Domme Momma at the time because I just *couldn't* wrap my head around WHY. WHY did this man do it? What the fuck was he getting out of it? WHY did he keep coming back? Just to torture me? I don't understand people like that.
She told me the thing that I want to share today. She told me that there is a probability that he kept doing this because he WANTED to be the man he portrayed himself to be with me. Some part of me he WANTED to be the good, kind, supportive man that he presented himself as. PART of him WANTED the life he promised and envisioned with me. She said that he left when he was so disgusted with himself at his own lies and that he couldn't keep doing it to a "good woman" and he would try to leave because he couldn't live with himself. Then he would come back because he grieved what he lost. What he could never be or have.
In the end I don't know if she had it right... or if it was just one more mercy. It's easier for me to believe that some part of him wanted to be that man. That some part of him was not so fucking evil that he would lie about cancer, lie about a history of abuse, lie about allllllll the things he lied about. It's easier for me to believe that some inner deep kernel of truth existed. Maybe it's also easier for me to believe that I'm not that stupid too... that I'm not that easily manipulated; ad that I didn't waste years of my life.
When we find out that someone played us, or hurt us, lied to us, fucked us over... it's really easy to live in the anger and hate for a while.... but for me, that did not give me peace. It just made ME angry. The peace came from accepting that I could pitty this man in the end. How sad that they feel so trapped in their own life that they have to turn to this? How SAD that they can't take steps forward, do the harder thing... and CHANGE? I had to learn the lesson a second time. In the very real and serious relationship just after I faced it all over again. No, he did not lie to me. He was completely straightforward. I knew every reality from minute one, but again, in the end the person could not take the hard steps to turn "fantasy life" into reality. When the chips were down the person balked and walked away. I think that moment was made one level easier for me because of this lesson: instead of assuming that it was all bullshit I understood: No, he WANTED this... but he was too scared to do the hard work to make it real. That's a him thing.
To people who are living the fantasy... please, stop wasting people's time, energy, and emotions. You're being unfair. Go read a book or play a game or something to live out your fantasies... or better yet, do the actual hard work to change your life and make it what you want.
Thank you to all the real folks who do the work to make their lives real. To do the hard work to live actual life authentically. NOTHING in life is easy, but living this lifestyle day in and day out with authenticity, honor, honesty, and consistency is HARD.
Thank You my Master for all the hard work You have done, and are doing to make life for us. I can't wait to be home in 52 days! I can't wait to throw my arms around You and then immediately bend down and tie Your shoe. I can't wait to cook for and with You. I can't wait to change the sheets. I can't wait to say "Hi" to everyone in town. I can't wait to caddy for You. I'm sorry that You aren't working nights anymore, because campouts in the van were actually fun. I can't wait to go see the inukshuk. I actually have something I want to leave at it. I can't wait to have fires in our backyard. I want to put in the hammock this year! I want to garden this year. I want to reorganize the garage and the basement workshop... and maybe the room under the stairs? I just want to come home. Thank You for all the ways You are 100000% real, and let's call it what it is: That is not easy. It would be so much easier for You to find someone closer. It would be so much easier for you to start Your life *right now*. Thank You for picking the harder path. I will make it worth Your while. <3
His slaveMikayla.
You know my motives
You know my heart
No matter what I'm doin'
You see my secrets
Right through the dark
Who do I think I'm foolin'?
You watch me runnin'
You let me hide
'Cause You know where I'm goin'...to
Seeking me
Reaching me
Keeping me in Your care, Lord
I can't escape it
You don't miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
But You know everything I need
You don't let a care get by You
You don't miss a thing, do you?
When my heart's broken
You dry my tears
'Cause You know what I'm feelin'
When I am frozen
You melt my fears
Your gentle love is healing
You feed my hunger
You quench my thirst
'Cause You are my provider
Leading me
Teaching me
Keeping me in Your care, Lord
I can't escape it
You don't miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
You know everything I need
You don't let a dare get by You
You hear every word I say
I will never go unnoticed
'Cause You don't miss a thing, do You?
(repeat)
You don't miss a thing...No, no, no...
