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My Own Journey

I wanted to create a blog dedicated solely to my journey as both a submissive and just a person. Thereby, this blog may not always only have things that pertain to the lifestyle but will have things that pertain to my entire life.
17 hours ago. Oct 19, 2020, 6:23 PM

Flirting. By definition, this means “behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than serious intentions”. Common synonyms are “tease”, “lead on”, or even “toy with”.

So, by that definition, I absolutely flirt with almost everyone on and off cage.

I found it funny yesterday when someone told me they were going to tell my Master about me flirting with everyone and break up our dynamic.

Mkay, well, first – you do not affect our dynamic, darling. Nothing you say will do so, either.

Second of all – My Master is well aware of my behavior on Cage and will not be shocked by your message.

Third of all – Your threat only made me laugh.

I call EVERYONE terms of endearment. This is not new. You can absolutely stop attempting to get me in trouble for something my Master is aware of. Or you can continue – I like to be amused.

I’m not sure what you hope to gain by “reporting this behavior” to my Master…but I am amused that you think you might gain anything from this.

I self-report. I do not hide things from my Master and I never will. Everything I do, say, is said to me, etcetera…all of it gets reported to my Master. I do not wish him to ever have any surprises – and so I give him that information because then we can work through it when we needed to as opposed to him getting blindsided with something I am supposed to have done.

This has the added benefit that when someone messaged him saying I had said something, I had already told him the actual conversation and so he knew the truth.

Openness and honesty are the key in any dynamic and it is most certainly a well-used key within our own dynamic.

This means I do not fear telling him of my behavior nor do I withhold it to avoid a punishment that I may have earned.

So, if you want to tell on me for something…you absolutely can. Just do not expect to see me get punished because whatever it is – he is already aware.

1 day ago. Oct 18, 2020, 11:54 PM

See, the funny thing about anticipation is that it can be both pleasurable and painful. It can bring excitement and nerves or a large amount of misery.

When you are anticipating a scene or play session, that is what brings the pleasure and the excitement. It brings beauty to your world as you wait with bated breath for one of the things you enjoy most. As you wait for the touch of your partner, the feel of their breath dancing across your skin.

When you are anticipating a punishment, that anticipation brings nerves to you and at least a small fraction of pleasure and even happiness of the evidence of care that comes from your partner.

But when you are hopeful…when you are anticipating something truly exciting and that you want more than anything…

When something happens that makes you unable to have that thing and you have to watch it pass through your fingers without any hope of grabbing onto it…that is when anticipation brings pain and misery.

Throughout most of my life, I have steadfastly refused to get excited or hopeful about anything. The saying exists for a reason. “You know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery”. And now…

Now I can understand why I denied myself years of hopefulness and positive feelings. Because when the anticipation is cut off and the hope fades, you are left with a pit of despair and misery in your stomach and there is nothing you can do to change it anymore.

1 day ago. Oct 18, 2020, 2:33 PM

There are some mornings when I wonder about things.

Will I post today?

Will today be a good or bad day? Up or down?

How am I going to feel?

Will this be a day I want to remember? Or one I wish I could forget?

Across my life, there have many many times I wish I could forget. Forget everything. But there are a few shining moments in my life that I want nothing more than to remember as every day passes.

No matter which way I feel the next day, it is those moments that make having to live through the bad times truly worth it. Because nothing can change how happy those moments make me.

Such as this morning - I know I have already made a few people smile and I have smiled myself.

Whether today ends up good or bad, it won't matter. Because even if it ends up being a bad day, for those few moments I was a bright light for someone.

2 days ago. Oct 17, 2020, 11:22 PM

What am I supposed to say to you when you’re asking me if I’m okay? When you’re asking me what’s wrong? What am I supposed to say when you catch the bit of my voice that denotes that I am not okay? What am I supposed to say when it is too hard to communicate what’s wrong with me?

I can’t tell you what’s wrong with me because I can’t even tell myself. It’s hard to breathe and getting harder the more I allow myself to think.

How do I tell you I’m a broken sub and have you see that for the truth that it is?

How do I communicate with you that I feel like I’m a piece of trash? That I hate that I feel like you’re stuck with me? That I hate that I feel like I’m never good enough for you.

I’ll never be good enough for you. You’re way too good for me. And that knowledge hurts me more than I wish it did.

3 days ago. Oct 17, 2020, 4:10 AM

I promise. I don't need you. I don't need them. I don't need anyone. My life is mine. And if you don't want to be a part of it that's fine. You aren't required to be.

If I welcome you into my world for a while, that means I think you are worth getting to know. Do not mistake that for me requiring your presence. 

If you are the type of person that believes this please excuse yourself from my life willingly or go to hell. 

4 days ago. Oct 16, 2020, 12:39 AM

Phillippa Lally is a health psychology researcher at University College London. In a study that was published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, Lally and her research team decided to figure out the actual number of days that is required to form a habit. It is consistently exampled as 21 days, but that is not actually true.

This study examined the habits of 96 people over a 12-week period. Each person chose one new habit for the 12 weeks and reported each day on whether or not they did the behavior and how automatic said behavior felt to them when they performed it.

Some people chose simply tasks such as “drinking a bottle of water with lunch” whereas others chose more difficult tasks such as “running for 15 minutes before dinner.” At the end of 12 weeks, the researchers analyzed the data to determine how long it took each person to go from starting a new behavior to automatically doing it.

The answer was obvious. It takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic – 66 days to be exact, on average. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In Lally’s study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit.

In other words, if you want to set your expectations appropriately, the truth is that it will probably take you anywhere from two months to eight months to build a new behavior into your life — not 21 days.

Interestingly, the researchers also found that “missing one opportunity to perform the behavior did not materially affect the habit formation process.” In other words, it does not matter if you mess up every now and then. Building better habits is not an all-or-nothing process.

_______________________

Why did I tell you all of this information that is scientific and so many probably could care less about?

I have found Doms habitually think that submissives should be able to follow rules as they’re given, often without breaking them. They consider a submissive to be a brat, or at least being bratty, when a rule gets broken.

Now, I’m not saying all Doms think this. Plenty of Doms (or Dommes) understand that learning and mastering rules takes time and that mistakes are going to happen. However, not all do. So, here’s a little education from the mouth of one submissive. Please, if this is going to just automatically light a fire under your ass to yell at me – leave now. It’s only going to get worse from here, I’m sure. Or, feel free to yell at me – that is your right.

There is a saying: practice makes perfect. There is a reason for that saying. It is because in life, all things take practice and time in order to improve on them. This holds true to rules and dynamics. A good dynamic isn’t just there – it takes effort and hard work from both (or more) parties to function and work as well as it has the ability to function.

There are submissives that require hearing good morning and goodnight. This does not make them a brat. This makes them human – and that is their habit. They are accustomed to hearing those things and to not hear them – leaves them wondering what they did wrong or if the person really cares.

Please, tell me why a submissive should bother to work hard for you to master the things you want them to master, if you will not return the favor of working hard in the dynamic yourself. There is more to a dynamic than simply giving orders, meting out punishments, and having sex. There is oh so much more. As a Dominant, you have to teach and remind your submissive and help them to form the habits you wish them to have and to break the habits which you think are not healthy or good for them or the dynamic.

You have to teach a submissive what it is you want from them. And that takes time. You cannot just snap your fingers and expect a submissive to be perfectly trained the way you want them to be. There are Doms that will quit when they suspect a submissive of being bratty – but it is not always a case of being bratty or a brat. If a habit is not formed, it is quite easy to forget.

Not only that, but there are Dominants that claim they want a strong submissive. But yet, if a Dominant gets his hands on an Alpha Female (or vice versa with a Domme and Alpha Male) they then decide that it is their duty to break them. They later view that same thing as being a brat.

You must take the time to train your submissive. And there are so many different types of us, but it all comes down to this: for us to be the best submissive we can be for you, you must actually communicate what you want of us and be there with us and for us as we navigate the waters to make that desire a habit. To make that rule into a habit.

5 days ago. Oct 14, 2020, 9:53 PM

It has come to my attention that there are people actually offended that my profile has very little information directly about me. And, since I am soooo far behind on keeping up with my blog, I'll use that for today's post. I may make a new one later on. Others are offended at my behavior and their apparent lack of understanding that my dynamic is mine

So...let's begin shall we. 

First of all, I am a submissive. I was told a little bit ago that the way I speak is Dominant. I am a strong woman and have no need to talk to anyone other than my Dominant submissively. I sincerely doubt he would desire me to do so, but will endeavor to ask him at my earliest convenience. Apparently I am intimidating? Truly, I was unaware of this.

Second of all, my behavior is corrected by my Dominant. He will take care of it - no, you are not welcome to attempt to do his job and correct me. Those whose corrections I will entertain are well aware of who they are and the limits which they can go to.

Now then...actually about me....

Height: 5'4
Hair color: Blonde
Eye color: Green

Know all you need to know about me yet?

I've never seen the ocean and I have never been outside the country. I have never done so much and I look forward to all the experiences I still have ahead of me because of that.

That being said, I absolutely adore water and so greatly look forward to seeing the ocean. I've always wanted to go on a cruise and go sailing. Both sound amazing to me.

I have been in D/s for almost 8 years. I am not new. And yes, that does in fact mean I joined D/s very shortly after my 17th birthday. I do believe I previously made a post about that.

My favorite holidays include Christmas and Halloween. I love cats, I love magic, I love all things holiday related really, but those two are my favorites.

I don't suffer stupidity well nor closemindedness.

Hmmm, I don't know what else. Any questions, feel free to ask.

1 week ago. Oct 10, 2020, 5:44 AM

I am feeling very unwanted tonight and today. I have been feeling this way the last couple days, but I have issues communicating when I feel this way.

I am still having trouble communicating. 

Even with myself. 

1 week ago. Oct 9, 2020, 4:53 AM

Welcome to my Soap Box.

There is this new stigma I am seeing against littles that I did not notice before. That is not to say it did not exist. It is entirely possible I missed it. However, I do not understand it.

If a little is not your thing, do not have one. If a Master is not your thing, do not enter that dynamic.

Daddy Dominants are remarkably similar to Masters, but there are a few differences.

While Daddy Doms accept as well as value and treasure their submissive’s little side and encourage their sub to let their little come out and play, a Master may actually find little behavior quite annoying.

Daddy Doms and Masters are also strict about different things. Where a Master may be more strict and more focused on procedure and protocol, Daddy Doms are typically more concerned with their submissive’s goals, needs, and personal growth.

Daddy Doms are also typically more playful; they must be playful as it is practically the job description. They must be able to keep up with their little. Now, that is not to say Masters cannot show their affection or be playful – they absolutely can. They just typically tend to need to be more rigid with their submissive or slave than a Daddy Dom needs to be due to the focus on procedure and protocol.

Both Daddy Doms and Masters will punish their submissive. And many will do so in the exact same fashion…but for different reasons. While a Daddy Dom may punish for their sub missing bedtime, a Master is more likely to punish for the rule broken – not because sleep is healthy and needed.

This does not mean one type of Dominant is less strong than the other. This does not mean one is less Dominant than the other.

A little also does not necessarily require a Daddy Dom.

I am a little. My Sir is NOT a Daddy Dom.

This has been my Soap Box.

1 week ago. Oct 8, 2020, 4:15 PM

As the darkness dances across my mind yet again, I seek to look at where I have been, where I am now, and where I still have yet to go. I can recognize my flaws for what they are even while being unsure on how to fix them. I can recognize the parts of me that shouldn’t be there…but how do I get rid of them?

I am the girl that thinks everything around her must be perfect. And since that is unlikely, I must be perfect instead in every way. I must never let my flaws be seen. I must always work harder to be perfect because good is never good enough.

I must always wear makeup. To cover up what flaws exist so they can never be seen. I must cover any blemish, bruise, scar…all of it. It must all be hidden so that no one, even me, can ever see them.

I cannot let anyone hear me sing as they may hear a voice that is less than perfect. So, no matter how much I may love singing, no one can ever hear it as they may hear imperfections. That cannot be permitted to occur.

Any project. Schoolwork. Any of it. Must be done with complete perfection. Anything less is completely unacceptable and clearly there is something very wrong with me for obtaining less than a completely perfect score.

I’m not worth anything if I am not perfect. I must keep everyone happy. I must please everyone on everything. Nothing can slip through the cracks. If I fail to be perfect then I need to be punished. It cannot be allowed to happen.

But…

Perfection doesn’t exist. And, during a decent moment of reflection, I can easily see that. I know I cannot be perfect and that I can never achieve it. There is always room for improvement and humans, by nature, are imperfect.

But how do I tell myself that the rest of the time?

It’s quite simple.

I don’t.

My brain has a history of panicking over the slightest perceived mistake. So instead of panicking?

I share my concern with my Sir. I let go. He corrects me if I need to be and soothes me after or soothes me in place of correction, knowing where my mind is taking me.

He calms the storm that goes on in my ocean with every mistake I feel I have made.

It is made so much easier by just letting go and trusting in him to know when I need correction and when I need to relax.