Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Being a training officer shouldn't be a punishment.

  Today at my Job a newish employee pushed a power stretcher that weighs nearly 150 pound into me so hard I fell to the ground and then ran me over while I was screaming.

  The pain and shock so real I couldn't help but frantically call for help. 

People came running.  

My girlfriend and sage forced me to get seen.

Doing nothing wasn't an option.  After 4 hours in the emergency room affiliated with my job turns out I have a severe sprain and contusion.

  I have to wear a brace and have an appointment set for next Tuesday to follow up about future restrictions and the need for physical therapy.

  An x ray showed no broken bones so that's something.

  I hate to be negative but I have concerns about that employee's focus while at work.

Don't rob ambulances!  

Cameinto work to find vadalism,  while one of my coworkers were dropping someone home from the hospital getting them situated a passer-by decided to use a glass braker and rob the ambulance 🚑.  

Tens of thousands of dollars of equipment plus an ambulance down for how many days? 

Things like this really stress out some EMTs and make them decide to quit "Last year, the turnover rate for full-time emergency medical technicians, known as EMTs, was 36%"  

If you want an ambulance in an hour of need give us a break.

On Feeling Erased 🥺  

Havingan intersex condition gave me a unique experience. 

When most people with a female phenotype (body) reach puberty there's often celebration for coming of age. 

In my case since my family had tried to raise me male it was gaslighting taking me to all sorts of doctors and threats that if I don't have my breasts removed they will starve me since the only reason I have breasts is because I'm overweight. 

If people wonder why even though I have a relatively cis female body I have trouble at times identifying as a woman the trauma is part of it. 

My own mother just a couple of days ago called me her deformed son. Just ask yourself how often you have seen online XY equals male and XX equals female type arguments around the sexes. 

I'm a male geneticly that has periods. I never wanted to transition or be anything other then what my body did yet due to my genetics the body is female this happens about one outta 90,000 or so genetic males. 

So I can carry a child but people still call me a male to my face there are times I just want to maul someone. 

I am so sick of explaining that there are many intersex variants and my experience is not unique. 

For a long time I lived Life I didn't say a word about my condition because of the treatment I got when I did. 

Yet if no one speaks out then how can misconceptions be removed.

  I actually regret the amount of time I spent repeating the trash view that I am somehow defective. You know for the majority of my life I did repeate the lie I am a male with a rare birth defect. 

I have over the last few years come to understand it differently. 

I am a female who just had an unusual experience. Having a female body isn't a defect and I wouldn't ever say to any of my female friends you should be ashamed of your body for not being s mans. 

It's outrageous the way many medical people and my family made me feel the majority of my life.

  I am not cursed or punished I'm relatively healthy and am finally starting to feel better about life because my body isn't the problem it's the way people treat me and others who are unique in some way. 

I write about these feelings because it was a long journey to get here and if others weren't so ill informed negative and abusive it could of happened much earlier.

  I genuinely hope by this transparency people's minds our expanded to the human experience and future intersex individuals just have that muc easier of a road.

Only Bigots Debate Against Trans 

Research has shown Trans individuals have brain development from birth that makes them who they are. 

Additionally for the de trans argument it is less then 1% who do, and upon further study the majority of those individuals ended up being that way due to lack of support, family, or isolation thus even that group it seems is a misconception. 

Also are we going to simply ignore the 99% of Trans people who the treatment has saved their lives and improved mental and physical well being. 

Furthermore it is currently 10% who regret knee replacement and I don't see advocates running around saying stop it with all the knee operations. 

Just like so few seemed to give a damn about womens sports in this country until one trans woman won a swimming competition. 

If you want to attack trans people just admit it you are a bigot live with the knowledge that you're feelings are not based in fact.  

Oneday this behavior will be taught as a cultural artifact.

Only scum asks an Intersex or Trans person "but what is your real name?"

  Today I met another EMT at my job who's an orphan so naturally I got along with her. 

That was until I shared I was Intersex. When she asked about my condition and I felt I could share the full truth it was a big mistake. 

All of a sudden what was a cordial relationship turned into her grilling me for my "real name" and getting all personal about my genitals. 

She also referred to me as a malformed women and told me how sorry she feels that I'm not a whole woman. 

The faith I had in this person clearly misplaced. I figured she as someone who struggled in a similar manner could be my friend. 

Yet she failed human decency. She did what so many attempt to do rob me of my personhood. 

Not a single person asks to be born Intersex or trans. You think I wanted a body that is "atypical".  : 

Myreplymy name is my real name, it's on my medical license, birth certificate, social security card, passport and since everything was done when I became an independent minor as a teenager any other records were sealed. 

She replied well that's not your real name though.  News flash my name is my real name, and I don't give a damn what my family that didn't want me attempted to call me. 

Anyone who thinks otherwise needs a lesson on morality. 

“That’s how Yubaba controls you… by stealing your name.” -Haku

Reflection on Writing About my Life🥀 

The thoughts come at unexpected times PTSD will do that.

The trauma of being the spawn of a rape and orphaned by my family not because of a reasonable situation like they couldn't afford it or they wanted what's best for me but that an Intersex child is one unworthy of being loved has left deep wounds.  

Frommy first breath I was looked at with disgust and pity. 

I have in my life so prayed for love yet it never came so I show love towards others as if somehow embodiment of the ideals I would want people to have would make them appear in the world. 

Yet does that bring me love or an end to the loneliness? 

Often no. 

This diary of my thoughts and deeds is a place where I can investigate my emotional dispare and hopefully one day triumph. 

A small triumph, 

For example my job promoted me into a field training officer recently.  So I get to train and assist other EMTs to provide higher quality care. 

This is a task I am well suited for since it will enable me to help more people be better at care which will alleviate more suffering then what I can do by my actions alone. 

Teaching sharing wisdom can exponentially assist with suffering in the world. With my absolute resolve I intend to coach those under my guidance to be peerless for the sake of the community.

How stressful gender can feel. 

There are days where I genuinely want to just cry endlessly to not be bothered for a moment. 

I am Intersex was rasied as male had been given medications to try to masculinize me but they failed and found out during puberty I had internal female structures. 

The issue is our society doesn't have a way to deal with that experience and even though I lived it I feel a part of me died and I am kinda never gonna fit in. 

I never wanted to be female or male mostly I wanted to be left alone so many trips to the doctors medical interventions lies on why I was taking medicine -- constant sicknesses of my youth. 

It's quite hard sometimes to accept I have a female body.

My life is so insane that one day I wouldn't mind waking to find out I was in a coma and this was all a bizarre dream. 

Yet that's not in the cards I have been working on my acceptance of the situation. 

The other day I had a moment where my body sorta got on my nerves and I was so angry with it yet my girlfriend was like eh calm down it's not a big deal. 

She more then anyone has supported the fact I can not fixate on gender for half a second. 

I used to look at life like to be endured as in an endless torture.

  I am a fairly depressed person yet I have optimism that things will get better one day. Even if I never feel 100% comfortable in my body and my Intersex experience always makes me feel alone it's better to be then cease.

Premenstrual dyphoric disorder is a condition where people who mensturate get anxious and depressed leading up to and sometimes during the start of periods. 

I have not been formally diagnosed with this condition but at times when my body does things I find it extremely uncomfortable not just physically but emotionally. 

I like many people have been on a life long journey to discover myself yet who would have thought in my teens someone with XY chromosomes would have the news broken to them they have a uterus? 

Some people in my life have been like yeah we know get over it and move on with life. I think in many ways the shock of it was still so great it's playing out still to this day in ways. 

I truly value my partner she's been a lifesaver. Today an accident happened and what easily could have sent me into an emotional overload her love and support being there kept me grounded and positive. 

The human body is weird n awkward at times it's true for anyone. The people who can take those embarrassing moments and make you laugh it off and feel better for having them by your side when dealing with the issue is a treat. 

Friends are not chosen family

They are given family 

Every friend who has given

Time, compassion, emotional investment 

I choose to acknowledge as Paramount to who I am

For that I give eternal thanks

As more opportunities open up be it sports, education, professional accolades women have shown that what was impossible is attainable.   

The news- Two high school senior girls defeated boys this week to win state wrestling championships in Maine and Arizona. 

In Maine, 17-year-old Maddie Ripley of Oceanside High School defeated three boys in one day to defend the state title she won last year. 

Jimenez, a senior at Sunnyside High School in Tucson, Arizona, beat boys in the 107-pound weight class to win a title at the AIA Arizona High School State Wrestling Championships.

Trigger warning ⚠️ Abuse PTSD 

With what has happened recently with Nex in the news has brought back so many memories of why I am the way I am.  

Dueto my body not being able to masculinize during puberty and actually growing into typically female dimensions it caused merciless teasing abuse and attempted sexual assaults. 

I had an assault once at school where my own skull was slammed into a metal slide breaking my skull and I had to get rushed to the hospital. 

The difference here is that I lived it could have been me that had their skull damaged surrounded by bullies and no longer alive. 

The difference is after that I trained to become an elite fighter and if anyone so much as looked at me funny I put them through a wall the fear that my life was on the line for my very existence is still in me. 

I never wanted to transition I never felt like much of a female, society was the thing that was unable to comprehend a male developing female sex characteristics would it have been that bad if people just left me alone? 

What's wrong if I was a physical female with a male name and acted like a dude who cares? 

The fact is so much of what I did was for other people to exist without constant abuse. 

My girlfriend often says focus on what you want outta life. 

I didn't get any of it a world thats safe for Intersex trans and nonbinary people. A family that's loving and accepting. Someone who wants to be with me dispite my mental and physical scars.  But I persist because in my heart I believe that my actions can make a difference in the future. 

It's been looking grim lately but if we don't fight if we don't speak out if we don't demand the world to atone for it's sins against our existence it will only be worse. 

So many nights when I was young I prayed for someone to fight to make it better well here I am in my life everyday I do what I can. 

I save lives, I educate, I speak out, I persist in the face of adversity. 

Today is a harder day I have lost so many friends in my life already who were queer through violence and too many at theit own hands. 

One of the things I hear old people talk about is the hardest part of getting old is watching your friends die. They say this to me as if being young I haven't. 

Well I hate to burst your bubble gramps I had to bury my own friend who killed themselves in my own home, and watch their family not even refer to him by his name and he wasn't even half your god damn age. 

They talk of the bliss of youth and what it would be like to be young again. Well in my life it feels like a warzone. 

What have I seen to be hopeful lately the government criminalize my and others existence, always wondering if I am gonna hear about another friend who was murdered or killed themselves.  When I open up my news feed I don't know if I am gonna see the same shit I went though 20 years ago is gonna claim the life of a poor defenseless kid.

Of course no one pays for the crime I mean why would they our lives have no value. 

My abject hate for the way things are is what keeps me alive. I am sick of it and shall continue to fight for change. 

If you're not doing everything you can to push back against the current state of affairs I hope you know you genuinely are part of the problem. 

You're comfort is something I've never known a day in my life if you're not outraged. 

I guess maybe I just need to pull away from people they just don't have a clue how horrible this feels.