Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Got to be an EMT for a moment again.

Using this as a journal point not for a pat on the back.

I was walking with someone today while they played Pokemon go. As it happened I saw a disabled woman of color crash her motorized wheelchair while she was attempting to cross the street due to hitting a pot hole.

The moment that happened I darted into the street and immediately assed the woman she was dazed but not bleeding or brusied. She really just wanted to get back in her wheelchair chair and get back to going.

She was of sound mind and I started to help her up a driver got out and helped me with her other side as we picked her up and help set her back on her chair.

The person who was with me ended up bracing the chair because it started to slip out as she put her weight into it.

I then made sure it was working and helped secure her with her seatbelt ( the reason why she fell off when she hit the pot hole was it wasn't secured)

Then we followed her abit while she got onto the sidewalk with her apartment.

For a very brief moment I got to do my thing take control of a dangerous situation assess someone's health in the field make reasonable decisions and make it safe.

I helped today that feels good but I do miss being an EMT. I know once I become an advanced provider moments like this will only get less and less.

I mean coming to me for your physical so I can approve playing sports in college I guess makes people's lives better as well.

But it just feels like such a waste when I love emergency medicine and I have a nack for it to be encouraged to become some boring office provider.

Busy with medical school, wanted to update

As you know roughly two months ago I started medical school and everyone talks of how much studying and hard it is yet if you think you have a clue unless you did it your wrong.

I am in 6 courses and as per a contract I had to sign with the school 8 am to 5 pm everyday I have to be available for classes and speakers and events and that itself isn't all of it going to mandatory events and taking the vice president position of my cohorts diversity and equity committee generally means I am non stop busy.

A typical day is wake up 7 am shower eat do a little studying then by 8:30 go to class if I am lucky get out early at three but most days straight on till 4. Doesn't end there though you gotta do the course work maybe thats 3 hours gets you to 7 pm and what you're gonna go to bed without doing a little studying or review? Add in about 3 hours there and the 7am to 10pm when youy day finally comes to an end of your school commitments.

This has been going on pretty much everyday for me since January 5th

Of my current 6 classes 4 of them are A's One a solid B and I have been improving yet one course I am currently in danger of failing.

I am not proud of falling behind in one course but just the literal mountain of work wears you down.

I also got sick pretty bad leading into one of the tests and even though I was on antibiotics and had blood in my urine I dared not miss any classes for fear I would fall behind even more.

I have learned so much material technically how to treat roughly over 200 hundred conditions as well as the entier pathology science and exams behind all those conditions.

Yet the true amazing aspect is being able to do this while upset at the current state of the government the way it has declared war on trans people the poor and science has me at times so concerned about the future.

Yet I don't have time to be depressed I gotta finish this get my medical license and then I can more directly help people.

In general that might be the only thing holding me together.

Not dead yet.

Between the news being kinda a downer and medical school literally trying to kill me. I honestly have had very little time to even look at my profile.

In PA school you need to know over 700 conditions forwards and backwards there diagnosis, labs, treatment, and management of other symptoms while treating.

The section I am in is hematology and it genuinely is one of the hardest things I ever had to encounter in years of schooling.

First there's so many different causes of a hematologic issue which includes: cancer, genetics, deficiency, mutation, bone marrow, viruses, lead poisoning. To understand the etiology pathology treatment for each one is a mix of biology, chemistry, physics, pharmacology and nutrition.

I asked for this opportunity but it comes at a huge cost at the moment.

in medical school they keep saying take care of yourself ❓

It is my second week of medical school and there has been snow almost everyday and a literal mountain of work.

Everyone myself included feel overwhelmed yet professors and previous students who have came in to give advice say not to worry about it and relax.

What is there to relax about we have more content than any human could possibly learn in a week and it seems borderline impossible to keep this up for years.

You don't make it if you don't have great grades in the first place but to go from feeling top of the class to drowning in work is a pretty hard reality shift.

I used to think I was pretty hot shit when it comes to my intellect but it is easy to get humbled in medical school there's just so much more you never knew you never knew.

In just one week for example we learned every class of dermatology condition and treatment guidelines. It's about 80 conditions sometimes the way to diagnose is based on the freaking texture of the skin or the color at the leading edge.

I don't know about you but I never studied how to diagnose and treat every dermatology condition before so that was all totally knew.

Note that was in just one week ? so them telling us to calm down seems counter intuitive since they are introducing so much content that's brand new so quickly and so detailed that it's nearly impossible to keep up.

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To those who gave me words of support ?

Thank you so much my first Quiz has been graded and I got 100% .

The thing is I feel that was kinda lucky ? because every question on the quiz I knew but so much material was covered I know what I don't know and it's a lot.

I am different from those who know me personally I didn't come from money infact Im an orphan so already did something neither of my birth parents did get a college degree let alone tackle med school.

I think I sometimes weird people out for example I held the door to the elevator open for the cleaning crew when I was leaving the building yesterday and they told me to let it go they would get the next one I was like it's fine and she didn't want to talk to me or make eye contact.

When I was asking her how she's doing? And she kinda said in a low voice she isn't supposed to talk to me.

I was in near tears ? my second job after working a dry cleaners when I was 16-17 was as a janitor. Just because I'm a med student now I care and I wanna encourage her and to see how because of maybe some other people in the medical department being pricks it make her learn the only way to stay employed is to keep her head down and never do anything to upset the medical professionals.

If everything goes well I will have my doctorate, but I never wanna be the type of person that horrifies the cleaning staff so much they don't even wanna get in the same elevator as me or talk to me for fear of being fired.

It's moments like that which have made me more than anything question if I don't belong as a "Medical Student at Prestigious University"

These sorts of culture shocks will keep happening. For example when I went to do a blood draw the nurse asked me if I was in nursing school and when I said medical school she said la de da I didn't know I was talking to my future boss.

I said I have to pass it first I'm just a poor kid in over my head trying my best and if anything I know because I seen it working as an EMT nurses are the beating heart of medical care so I don't wanna "Boss" nurses around I wanna help make your lives easier since you do all the hard physical and emotional work.

She told me dead in the eye when her daughter went to nursing school it gave her grays but she got through it and by hook or by coork I will also make it through and then I gotta come back to the office so she can call me Doctor one day.

I was like practically in tears. I don't know I been so emotional lately maybe it's embarrassing to have so much upheaval.

I am in a class with 60 students and so many of them are damn prickly asses who are full of it from there richy rich parents.

Some have even refused to talk to me the most amazing one is where there were some cubbys in the cadaver lab and I had my bag near one persons whe she say me put the bag near hers she went back and moved the bag just to not have it near my stuff.

I don't know why she had to be like that. I know this is kinda a ramble but my emotions are kinda all over the place.

I never worked so hard.

I thought because I am smart and always do well medical school wouldn't be as hard as it is turning out to be.

I have class 8 hours a day plus homework and that's not even the studying.

Add in the fact that I'm in a place that had been near shut down with snow while also having to unpack ( literally just moved the weekend of school) and they have a ton of requirements they are pushing me on like doing an FBI check and such since if I am going to be prescribing medications they need to know I am a trusted person.

The endless work the literally collapsing on my phone just trying to have a conversation with a loved one before bed and this is only the first week.

I know this is only a couple of years of my life and in the grand scheme of things my whole life built to this moment.

They said on the first day hold onto your why because you will be tested.

My why is I need a medical license so I can help educate other providers about trans and Intersex care and treat people in my community who have been abused better than I was.

I have been given this opportunity to make a difference now I have to get it done.

The one saving grace is my program has to list it's attrition (drop outs) and in the last 3 years it was only 10 people out of 180. So this program is doable by the majority of people who enter but In all honesty I have never tried anything this hard.

Two years to go -

Finished moving to a new city for a couple of years to get my medical license as an advanced provider. After which I plan to stay a little longer and finish my doctorate.

It feels kinda wild to think soon I will be able to do surgeries on people, prescribe medication and earn more in a year than my mother a disabled drug addict who lives in government controlled housing earned in her entire life.

I never forget what It was like growing up to someone like her and having to swallow my pride and sometimes ask strangers for food.

Today I stopped at an Arby's and a woman couldn't pay for her meal because she misunderstood her coupon and I couldn't eat hearing her argue turn desperate so I walked over and offered to pay for her.

That's the real benefit of having more money for me it hasn't even happened yet but I lived most my life near destitute so helping others and being kind is how I will roll.

I just wanna help people do you think I got into medical school to not change people's lives for the better.

If I am lucky I can give so much money time and effort to helping others that when I am on my death bed I can rest knowing I did everything I could to help others.

Jesus is a hero of mine - even as an atheist ?

Some people don't understand my behavior because it's illogical. Just tonight I was told I have a Savior complex because I don't care about myself enough and to be frank I consider that a good thing.

When people have asked me who really know me what are my plans coming up tonight.

I said one of the benefits of the increased income when my training is done I can open my home to queer non binary and trans people who don't have a place to live and maybe offer them rents of a dollar where they sign a lease so that way if I technically have a problem I can point to a contract they violated.

People think I'm going to far.

I have said it over and over again I was homeless, I literally slept on friends couches and begged for food to survive for a time. I was an Intersex child born to a drug addict that lost custody of me.

I know my roots I know how hard it was for me to get where I am. I feel I have been unbelievably lucky and to an extent blessed to finally have an opportunity to help more people with my good fortune that is to come.

People say what about me well when you come from a life where you had holes in your shoes ripped shirts and have dumpster dived to eat I don't need a dime really.

Jesus said "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many"

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves"

I was rasied Catholic went to Catholic school and even though I have come to no longer be a practicing Catholic I have been for lack of a better term brainwashed to think life in service to others, of self sacrifice is it's own reward.

I have only a couple of selfish desires I want to own a Ducati ( as a motorcyclist and an Italian who appreciates beauty it is imperative)

I want to travel to Italy to see the home of my grandfather and grandmother who came to this country and light a candle in there church for them and thank them for the opportunity they have given to me.

And

Go to Japan if it wasn't for my early love of martial arts showing me focus dedication and discipline I wouldn't be half of who I am today.

After that so long as I am alive and breathing what do I care for money?

Are people remembered for the amount of money they amassed in there lives or for the people they touched. - read can't take it with you -

What matters is your priorities in life and mine are to make as big an impact on others people's lives as possible and the fact I have spent most my life destitute the idea of making 140,000+ each year is actually borderline gross ?

In a perfect world we would already be in a star trek pure socialist society where people are cultivated loved and supported to live there passions. No one should fear the jaws of death by capitalism where it's produce starve or go homeless.

This goes to my childhood where I used to pray for someone to care about me or help me and no one answered.

The cold detachment of the world caused me to want to be someone who lives up to my childhood ideal of what someone in a position of authority should be like.

Selfless, kind, charitable, supportive, honest, resolute, passionate, on and on.

There is the saying be the change you wanna see in the world. What is so awful about wanting to give and give and give of myself to others until there is nothing left to give but blood and tears?

Some might say that's crazy - for me it's actually the inner Catholic in me saying if anything I should find a way to sacrifice more for the people around me because any blessings I have received an after life or not should be spent in service to others.

Even if Jesus is just a fable, I wanna live in a world where someone really does ask themselves what would Jesus do and tries within reason to accomplish it.

If that makes me problematic for some I accept it. I cannot be someone I'm not.

Woke up with night terrors multiple times. ?

Can't aleep tonight.

Been doing a lot of soul searching. This has been my last regularly scheduled shift as an EMT.

No idea if I will ever get to operate as one again. ?

Had two lights and sirens emergencies.

One a patient on life support going to a higher level of care hospital

The other a complicated labor and delivery

I had three generic patients

Heart attack

A mitral Valve leak going between hospitals for a specialist for surgery

An ER discharged back to nursing home.

For a last shift pretty busy just the way I like it.

I enjoyed being an EMT I am one of the best there was not exaggerating - Had wilderness rescue certification, had multiple fema disaster certifications, was licensed to train EMTs, had my critical care certification and now over 4+ years experience.

On top of my great grades my skill is why I got accepted to 3 medical schools this cycle.

But for the first time in my life I am having a (mid) life crisis. I identified myself as an EMT/ hero for a while and I know that's never gonna happen again. ?

As a PA I am more "valuable" seeing patients. As for people who argue why don't you volunteer you recently re upped your EMT licenses anyway until 2028.

If I am going to volunteer which makes more sense?

Ride an ambulance which is something literally anyone with a few months of training over the age of 18 can do - or seeing patients as an advanced provider where I can write scripts and do medical procedures?

In short there is a greater need for providers willing to care for the needy than people riding ambulances.

Anyone can become EMT but not just anyone can get into and graduate medical school due to strict admission criteria and difficult licensing examinations.

Accepting that this phase of my life is over is rough - not to mention In the last couple of years I have found a tiny home in Baltimore.

I had some family already here-
But in the last couple of years I got a girlfriend, and truly was touched by the local BDSM scene.

I know 5 hours isn't much but from everything I have been told the first year is hell on earth thus I won't get much free time to come and visit as such 5 hours might as well be an Ocean away ?.

All this sacrifice -
losing my favorite job the status of hero, being separated from friends, family and my lover for years to come.

I might have achieved a dream but I'm genuinely miserable and never considered the cost to me for the dream.

Sure the very first patient I see on my medical license will be worth the sacrifices but this isn't a victory without pain and loss.

The alchemy of life must be maintained - a debt must be paid for this dream to come to fruition.

To make my first patient extra special I will try to ensure my first patient is in an underserved community volunteering.

I genuinely got into this not for money having been on welfare I struggled to get quality care as a child and young adult.

Also as an Intersex person having many idiots that didn't know a damn thing mistreat me made me consider the only solution was to get a license so I can treat myself.

My mission has been for many years to get to med school graduate and help make a change in the world in regards to acess and queer care.

Even though I am starting my dream next week I'm unhappy ? I never predicted this emotional loss connected to my success.

Being an EMT was originally a means to an end. I needed medical experience and training I didn't think Id fall in love with the profession.

Historically as an orphan I have been a loan wolf I didn't need anyone.

Tonight I grieve the end of NREMT/search and rescue me and the looming separation from the people I care about.

Your tormented?
Ice

Magic the gathering addiction ?

For people who know I was once in the top 300 magic the gathering players in the world.

I had so much money time and effort tied up in magic the gather in my highschool and early twenties I was friends with multiple level 2 and level 3 judges and would often get into lengthy conversations about how if I became an official judge I could turn this into a profession since it seemed I was just outside the reach of being able to be a pro magic the gathering player (ie able to support themselves off of winnings)

But one day a card that was once worth nearly 500 dollars that I had a couple of playsets of got reprinted and dropped to 50 dollars and thus I lost 3,600 dollars in an instant. It was that moment I was like well being so invested in magic when they can just reprint any card at any time for any reason means what I think they are worth actually is all an illusion since they really are just paper ink and collective delusion.

So I sold off my entier magic the gathering card set and swore the game off entirely because I knew how obsessed I was always hoping to one day be one of the best in the world instead of the top .01%

Well someones nephew recently showed an interest in magic and instead of talking about my decades long magic the gathering obsession. I have decided for the holidays to get them some pre built magic decks.

The reason is two fold magic the gathering is actually a great game!

It teaches lots of core ideas such as deception meta gameing thinking ahead negotiating I can go on but the issue is magic the gathering collecting is an insane money sink that is literally quicksand because the more you buy the deeper into it you become.

My hope is by giving him some preconstruction decks i can encourage him to play while also getting him away from singles. Magic the gathering tends to sell preconstruction decks at a reasonableish price for people just breaking into the hobby while also often being easier to understand.

Some top tier competition decks can have strats or bizzare rule breaking bending interactions the pre built from wizards of the coast decks will never include, also they will be of relative balance.

After I did that for him I figured well I should have some easy friendly decks as well on hand incase he wants to play with me and I can practice again and before you know it someone who "doesn't" play magic spent roughly 120 dollars on magic the gathering in two orders.

See what I mean! Magic the gathering is an infinite money sink for players.

However this is a good start and I will not spend any more money on magic the gathering for awhile.

Tricky wizards of the cost!