Ice Girl's public thoughts.

in medical school they keep saying take care of yourself ❓

It is my second week of medical school and there has been snow almost everyday and a literal mountain of work.

Everyone myself included feel overwhelmed yet professors and previous students who have came in to give advice say not to worry about it and relax.

What is there to relax about we have more content than any human could possibly learn in a week and it seems borderline impossible to keep this up for years.

You don't make it if you don't have great grades in the first place but to go from feeling top of the class to drowning in work is a pretty hard reality shift.

I used to think I was pretty hot shit when it comes to my intellect but it is easy to get humbled in medical school there's just so much more you never knew you never knew.

In just one week for example we learned every class of dermatology condition and treatment guidelines. It's about 80 conditions sometimes the way to diagnose is based on the freaking texture of the skin or the color at the leading edge.

I don't know about you but I never studied how to diagnose and treat every dermatology condition before so that was all totally knew.

Note that was in just one week 😖 so them telling us to calm down seems counter intuitive since they are introducing so much content that's brand new so quickly and so detailed that it's nearly impossible to keep up.

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[HIRING] DevOps, Trust & Safety Engineer, and Customer Support Reps!
To those who gave me words of support 🌹

Thank you so much my first Quiz has been graded and I got 100% .

The thing is I feel that was kinda lucky 🤣 because every question on the quiz I knew but so much material was covered I know what I don't know and it's a lot.

I am different from those who know me personally I didn't come from money infact Im an orphan so already did something neither of my birth parents did get a college degree let alone tackle med school.

I think I sometimes weird people out for example I held the door to the elevator open for the cleaning crew when I was leaving the building yesterday and they told me to let it go they would get the next one I was like it's fine and she didn't want to talk to me or make eye contact.

When I was asking her how she's doing? And she kinda said in a low voice she isn't supposed to talk to me.

I was in near tears 😭 my second job after working a dry cleaners when I was 16-17 was as a janitor. Just because I'm a med student now I care and I wanna encourage her and to see how because of maybe some other people in the medical department being pricks it make her learn the only way to stay employed is to keep her head down and never do anything to upset the medical professionals.

If everything goes well I will have my doctorate, but I never wanna be the type of person that horrifies the cleaning staff so much they don't even wanna get in the same elevator as me or talk to me for fear of being fired.

It's moments like that which have made me more than anything question if I don't belong as a "Medical Student at Prestigious University"

These sorts of culture shocks will keep happening. For example when I went to do a blood draw the nurse asked me if I was in nursing school and when I said medical school she said la de da I didn't know I was talking to my future boss.

I said I have to pass it first I'm just a poor kid in over my head trying my best and if anything I know because I seen it working as an EMT nurses are the beating heart of medical care so I don't wanna "Boss" nurses around I wanna help make your lives easier since you do all the hard physical and emotional work.

She told me dead in the eye when her daughter went to nursing school it gave her grays but she got through it and by hook or by coork I will also make it through and then I gotta come back to the office so she can call me Doctor one day.

I was like practically in tears. I don't know I been so emotional lately maybe it's embarrassing to have so much upheaval.

I am in a class with 60 students and so many of them are damn prickly asses who are full of it from there richy rich parents.

Some have even refused to talk to me the most amazing one is where there were some cubbys in the cadaver lab and I had my bag near one persons whe she say me put the bag near hers she went back and moved the bag just to not have it near my stuff.

I don't know why she had to be like that. I know this is kinda a ramble but my emotions are kinda all over the place.

I never worked so hard.

I thought because I am smart and always do well medical school wouldn't be as hard as it is turning out to be.

I have class 8 hours a day plus homework and that's not even the studying.

Add in the fact that I'm in a place that had been near shut down with snow while also having to unpack ( literally just moved the weekend of school) and they have a ton of requirements they are pushing me on like doing an FBI check and such since if I am going to be prescribing medications they need to know I am a trusted person.

The endless work the literally collapsing on my phone just trying to have a conversation with a loved one before bed and this is only the first week.

I know this is only a couple of years of my life and in the grand scheme of things my whole life built to this moment.

They said on the first day hold onto your why because you will be tested.

My why is I need a medical license so I can help educate other providers about trans and Intersex care and treat people in my community who have been abused better than I was.

I have been given this opportunity to make a difference now I have to get it done.

The one saving grace is my program has to list it's attrition (drop outs) and in the last 3 years it was only 10 people out of 180. So this program is doable by the majority of people who enter but In all honesty I have never tried anything this hard.

Two years to go -

Finished moving to a new city for a couple of years to get my medical license as an advanced provider. After which I plan to stay a little longer and finish my doctorate.

It feels kinda wild to think soon I will be able to do surgeries on people, prescribe medication and earn more in a year than my mother a disabled drug addict who lives in government controlled housing earned in her entire life.

I never forget what It was like growing up to someone like her and having to swallow my pride and sometimes ask strangers for food.

Today I stopped at an Arby's and a woman couldn't pay for her meal because she misunderstood her coupon and I couldn't eat hearing her argue turn desperate so I walked over and offered to pay for her.

That's the real benefit of having more money for me it hasn't even happened yet but I lived most my life near destitute so helping others and being kind is how I will roll.

I just wanna help people do you think I got into medical school to not change people's lives for the better.

If I am lucky I can give so much money time and effort to helping others that when I am on my death bed I can rest knowing I did everything I could to help others.

Jesus is a hero of mine - even as an atheist 🪷

Some people don't understand my behavior because it's illogical. Just tonight I was told I have a Savior complex because I don't care about myself enough and to be frank I consider that a good thing.

When people have asked me who really know me what are my plans coming up tonight.

I said one of the benefits of the increased income when my training is done I can open my home to queer non binary and trans people who don't have a place to live and maybe offer them rents of a dollar where they sign a lease so that way if I technically have a problem I can point to a contract they violated.

People think I'm going to far.

I have said it over and over again I was homeless, I literally slept on friends couches and begged for food to survive for a time. I was an Intersex child born to a drug addict that lost custody of me.

I know my roots I know how hard it was for me to get where I am. I feel I have been unbelievably lucky and to an extent blessed to finally have an opportunity to help more people with my good fortune that is to come.

People say what about me well when you come from a life where you had holes in your shoes ripped shirts and have dumpster dived to eat I don't need a dime really.

Jesus said "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many"

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves"

I was rasied Catholic went to Catholic school and even though I have come to no longer be a practicing Catholic I have been for lack of a better term brainwashed to think life in service to others, of self sacrifice is it's own reward.

I have only a couple of selfish desires I want to own a Ducati ( as a motorcyclist and an Italian who appreciates beauty it is imperative)

I want to travel to Italy to see the home of my grandfather and grandmother who came to this country and light a candle in there church for them and thank them for the opportunity they have given to me.

And

Go to Japan if it wasn't for my early love of martial arts showing me focus dedication and discipline I wouldn't be half of who I am today.

After that so long as I am alive and breathing what do I care for money?

Are people remembered for the amount of money they amassed in there lives or for the people they touched. - read can't take it with you -

What matters is your priorities in life and mine are to make as big an impact on others people's lives as possible and the fact I have spent most my life destitute the idea of making 140,000+ each year is actually borderline gross 🤮

In a perfect world we would already be in a star trek pure socialist society where people are cultivated loved and supported to live there passions. No one should fear the jaws of death by capitalism where it's produce starve or go homeless.

This goes to my childhood where I used to pray for someone to care about me or help me and no one answered.

The cold detachment of the world caused me to want to be someone who lives up to my childhood ideal of what someone in a position of authority should be like.

Selfless, kind, charitable, supportive, honest, resolute, passionate, on and on.

There is the saying be the change you wanna see in the world. What is so awful about wanting to give and give and give of myself to others until there is nothing left to give but blood and tears?

Some might say that's crazy - for me it's actually the inner Catholic in me saying if anything I should find a way to sacrifice more for the people around me because any blessings I have received an after life or not should be spent in service to others.

Even if Jesus is just a fable, I wanna live in a world where someone really does ask themselves what would Jesus do and tries within reason to accomplish it.

If that makes me problematic for some I accept it. I cannot be someone I'm not.

Woke up with night terrors multiple times. 🚨

Can't aleep tonight.

Been doing a lot of soul searching. This has been my last regularly scheduled shift as an EMT.

No idea if I will ever get to operate as one again. 🚑

Had two lights and sirens emergencies.

One a patient on life support going to a higher level of care hospital

The other a complicated labor and delivery

I had three generic patients

Heart attack

A mitral Valve leak going between hospitals for a specialist for surgery

An ER discharged back to nursing home.

For a last shift pretty busy just the way I like it.

I enjoyed being an EMT I am one of the best there was not exaggerating - Had wilderness rescue certification, had multiple fema disaster certifications, was licensed to train EMTs, had my critical care certification and now over 4+ years experience.

On top of my great grades my skill is why I got accepted to 3 medical schools this cycle.

But for the first time in my life I am having a (mid) life crisis. I identified myself as an EMT/ hero for a while and I know that's never gonna happen again. 😭

As a PA I am more "valuable" seeing patients. As for people who argue why don't you volunteer you recently re upped your EMT licenses anyway until 2028.

If I am going to volunteer which makes more sense?

Ride an ambulance which is something literally anyone with a few months of training over the age of 18 can do - or seeing patients as an advanced provider where I can write scripts and do medical procedures?

In short there is a greater need for providers willing to care for the needy than people riding ambulances.

Anyone can become EMT but not just anyone can get into and graduate medical school due to strict admission criteria and difficult licensing examinations.

Accepting that this phase of my life is over is rough - not to mention In the last couple of years I have found a tiny home in Baltimore.

I had some family already here-
But in the last couple of years I got a girlfriend, and truly was touched by the local BDSM scene.

I know 5 hours isn't much but from everything I have been told the first year is hell on earth thus I won't get much free time to come and visit as such 5 hours might as well be an Ocean away 🌊.

All this sacrifice -
losing my favorite job the status of hero, being separated from friends, family and my lover for years to come.

I might have achieved a dream but I'm genuinely miserable and never considered the cost to me for the dream.

Sure the very first patient I see on my medical license will be worth the sacrifices but this isn't a victory without pain and loss.

The alchemy of life must be maintained - a debt must be paid for this dream to come to fruition.

To make my first patient extra special I will try to ensure my first patient is in an underserved community volunteering.

I genuinely got into this not for money having been on welfare I struggled to get quality care as a child and young adult.

Also as an Intersex person having many idiots that didn't know a damn thing mistreat me made me consider the only solution was to get a license so I can treat myself.

My mission has been for many years to get to med school graduate and help make a change in the world in regards to acess and queer care.

Even though I am starting my dream next week I'm unhappy 😭 I never predicted this emotional loss connected to my success.

Being an EMT was originally a means to an end. I needed medical experience and training I didn't think Id fall in love with the profession.

Historically as an orphan I have been a loan wolf I didn't need anyone.

Tonight I grieve the end of NREMT/search and rescue me and the looming separation from the people I care about.

Your tormented🥀
Ice

Magic the gathering addiction 😰

For people who know I was once in the top 300 magic the gathering players in the world.

I had so much money time and effort tied up in magic the gather in my highschool and early twenties I was friends with multiple level 2 and level 3 judges and would often get into lengthy conversations about how if I became an official judge I could turn this into a profession since it seemed I was just outside the reach of being able to be a pro magic the gathering player (ie able to support themselves off of winnings)

But one day a card that was once worth nearly 500 dollars that I had a couple of playsets of got reprinted and dropped to 50 dollars and thus I lost 3,600 dollars in an instant. It was that moment I was like well being so invested in magic when they can just reprint any card at any time for any reason means what I think they are worth actually is all an illusion since they really are just paper ink and collective delusion.

So I sold off my entier magic the gathering card set and swore the game off entirely because I knew how obsessed I was always hoping to one day be one of the best in the world instead of the top .01%

Well someones nephew recently showed an interest in magic and instead of talking about my decades long magic the gathering obsession. I have decided for the holidays to get them some pre built magic decks.

The reason is two fold magic the gathering is actually a great game!

It teaches lots of core ideas such as deception meta gameing thinking ahead negotiating I can go on but the issue is magic the gathering collecting is an insane money sink that is literally quicksand because the more you buy the deeper into it you become.

My hope is by giving him some preconstruction decks i can encourage him to play while also getting him away from singles. Magic the gathering tends to sell preconstruction decks at a reasonableish price for people just breaking into the hobby while also often being easier to understand.

Some top tier competition decks can have strats or bizzare rule breaking bending interactions the pre built from wizards of the coast decks will never include, also they will be of relative balance.

After I did that for him I figured well I should have some easy friendly decks as well on hand incase he wants to play with me and I can practice again and before you know it someone who "doesn't" play magic spent roughly 120 dollars on magic the gathering in two orders.

See what I mean! Magic the gathering is an infinite money sink for players.

However this is a good start and I will not spend any more money on magic the gathering for awhile.

Tricky wizards of the cost!

My flavor of demisexual 🍦

I don't think demisexuals get enough conversation in the scene or media.

As a demisexual I sometimes find it really hard to relate to people with more typical sexual behaviors.

Finding an actor or some random person who you don't personally know but passed by attractive is so foreign to me I genuinely wonder if people are joking when they say someone turns them on since I physically don't have that at all.

I have told my current girlfriend that it was 8 years between her and the previous time I even had sex because it just wasn't something that crossed my mind.

I used to think I was asexual because of how little I think of sex or am interested in sex. One time my girlfriend asked to see me masturbate thinking it would help if I was more comfortable with having orgasms I tried to explain that isn't an issue at all I just don't find myself attractive and without an emotional moment there is no sparks.

After 2 hours of attempting and getting no where she told me how sad she felt for me and how kinda adorabley pathetic it is.

Since then she tried to get me to read erotica or watch things to I guess help turn me on and the thing that I found odd was I found furry stuff less off putting then people having sexual interactions but it still didn't make me more inclined towards sex.

To me it is sorta simple I just don't have a high sex drive and even though I have come to find my girlfriend attractive it is usually at its peak when we are having emotional intimacy and then my body feels compelled to be physically interacting in a sexual way.

I have little skills at turning it on or setting the mood for her.

In most situations my standard state is sorta peck on the forehead safe for all audience TV movie love.

I know this frustrates my partner and when I explicitly ask her to put down a list of things she would like to attempt to make her more comfortable. I am aware that isn't the most sexy way to be but I have never claimed to be the best at seducing people.

Infact I would argue I have negative rizz and I am good with that. This isn't some ego defensive behavior it is me telling people sex is low on my list of things that matter to me.

Getting in and through med school
Being a good friend and family member to the people I care about
Always improving at my job or tasks
Learning new skills and ideas
Working on my martial arts

This all comes before sexual intimacy I guess that makes me a poor partner.

For that I apologize.

Cancel HBO MAX 😡

HBO MAX has decided to cancel Sesame Street saying that it isn't part of the core strategy.

How could teaching children and kids concepts like basic learning, sharing, friendship, conflict resolution ever not be values a company would want to support.

-- As we’ve launched Max though and based on consumer usage and feedback, we’ve had to prioritize our focus on stories for adults and families, and so new episodes from ‘Sesame Street,’ at this time, are not as core to our strategy.”

A thank you to BPH -

Yesterday, I stopped by to support my girlfriend while she had run into the club for a second.

The amount of you who took the time to wish me well before I go off to medical school really touched my heart.

I only have one biological relative I am even on talking terms with so it means a lot to give me positive feedback.

Being an orphan to a bio mom and dad with drug problems that lost custody I definitely have insecurities around feeling worthless and having no "family."

For all of you who see me as family, or at least a cool queer friend/acquaintance thank you.

Having people wishing me the absolute best truly warms my heart.

I am coming to terms that I might only get to be on an ambulance 3 more times as a provider. I have saved many people and helped countless. While in the last year getting FTO status I got the opportunity to train dozens of people to get there license 🪪 and become EMTs.

Today I got to drive advanced life service critical care! ( Might be the last time I get to drive lights and sirens 😭)

I am fairly certain I am going to specialize in emergency medicine at least initially. I can't give up the adrenaline rush and hopefully as someone calling shots in an ER or critical care I can continue making an impact and saving people.

I genuinely couldn't do it without all of you.

Everyone has contradictions and as much pride I have in my intellect and accomplishments I often feel worthless infact I try so hard to fill the void of needed affirmation.

When you all have congratulated me in person and I said will see when I get though. It wasn't me trying to be a jerk I just feel in many ways until I pass med school and get my doctorate the work is not done.

What's funny is even once I am done I will still be mad at myself for not being better.

My sign language is rusty, I really should learn Spanish so I can better serve the next largest segment of our population better. #longtermgoals

I have a mantra I heard once and live by - Good Better Best, Never let it Rest, Till Your Good is Better, and Your Better is Best!

I want to be the best at anything I do and I thank you for being part of why I enjoy being alive since in my eyes I suck.

🥹