Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I am the Deep - exploring intensity 🔥

I think the most intimate moment you can share with someone—whether in kink or in life—is when genuine emotion is expressed.

So much of life is lived behind masks. We rarely get to see anyone as a whole person. Conversations often follow a tired script:
“Hi, how are you?”
“I’m fine. How about you?”
“Can you believe the weather?”
“Oh, it’s wild. Gotta be Maryland, right?”
Insert awkward laugh track
Insert awkward silence
And then we wait for the next prompt through a pained silence.

In my work as an EMT, I’ve been granted rare and raw access to the deepest moments of people’s lives. I’ve walked into homes where a mother is thought to be dying—people screaming, pleading, praying—and my team does everything we can to help. One way or another, I’ve entered people’s lives at their most vulnerable, and I’ve had to carry conversations that mattered.

I’m not particularly religious, but I’ve been asked more than once to sit and pray in the back of an ambulance with someone who knew—or feared—that this was their final ride. It’s in those moments that I sometimes feel a kinship with Charon, the ferryman of the River Styx. I’m not guiding souls to the afterlife, but I am a conduit. I do everything I can to make their ride with me meaningful—comfortable, kind. Sometimes, I’m the last person who gets to show them any humanity at all.

As a Field Training Officer, I teach new EMTs the importance of compassion—particularly with older patients. I stress never to say “hospice” or “end-of-life care” directly to them. Many have memory issues, or dementia, and often the family has made that decision without fully informing them. Mentioning it casually can trigger confusion, fear, or grief, sparking emotional chaos that helps no one and can pain families.

So I choose different words.
“We’re going to get you some care today." 'You haven’t been feeling too well. Don’t you want to go somewhere calm where they can take better care of you?”
Or I’ll mention facilities with gentle names like DoveHouse, if that is the destination while speaking of how great the care and food are there. I do whatever I can to make that moment feel peaceful and grounded. These little choices matter to them and the family.

I lost my grandmother to cancer. I was one of her primary caregivers. Watching the emotional neglect she suffered from the medical system lit a fire in me. I wanted to do better. So I do I try to give the same love to others as if they were my flesh and blood.

Does this lead to kidnapping play?

Oddly enough, it connects. At camp or in kink scenes, I get to help create intensely emotional, transformative experiences. And sometimes—just like in the back of that ambulance—I witness moments of genuine, unfiltered expression.

Why would I want to live my life in the shallow end of emotional experience, when there is so much depth beneath the surface waiting to be explored?

My personal fountain pen is filled with an imported Japanese ink called Shin-Kai—translated, it means “deep sea.” It’s a blue-black ink with waves of gray and purple, flowing together with an oceanic rhythm I chose it intentionally. I give deep thought to my words. Writing helps me understand myself. That’s why I write often—and publicly to attempt to be known inn the void of life.

Growing up with a single mom in government housing, I was often alone with my thoughts. Now, I offer them to you to be seen and see. Sometimes the void echoes back, sometimes it doesn’t. But the exploration is real.

You are always welcome to interact with me. Just know this: sometimes your response might feel too shallow for the depths I swim in. I crave intensity, authenticity—genuine humanity. And that’s something few people truly offer.

Male Energy⁉️

After dinner I was picking some chicken out my teeth with a tooth pick while drinking milk directly from the carton in female boxer briefs 🩲 and a tight T shirt on with a Cock graphic. When I put the milk away I scratched my butt without thinking 🤔

My girlfriend saw this and couldn't contain herself blurting out- Oh my you have so much male energy. 🤣 ♂️

I looked at her a little confused 🤔 and said but I enjoy my huge breasts and grabbed my tits mockingly.

She hugged me as that happened I whispered "I am the most fem person you're currently dating" to which she laughed lovingly in my ear and smiled kissing me declaring I'm not even close to the most fem.😂

Friday's festivities🦈

At BPH, my GF wanted me to pierce her ear. I had thought of this as cleaning, sterilizing, inserting a needle, putting in hypoallergenic jewelry that is safe to keep in for 4-6 weeks, and telling her how to care for it.

However, at the moment, she was like, "Hey, let's make it a scene. If I wanted it that way, we could have gone to a shop.😈"

So there was a lot more headspace play, forced masturbating, and toy play than I had previously anticipated for ear piercing.

She enjoyed it more than I could have expected. I went off her bratty vibes and didn't have any plan in place for taming her at first since this was a new play for us.

Afterwards, she needed a decent amount of aftercare because exploring this dynamic really excited her. In fact, after she could verbalize again, she made clear how she would love to push my buttons again to get me into that brat tamer intense dom behavior.

I am a service top, naturally so I don't know how readily I can summon such behavior, but it is worth consideration since seeing her so content was gratifying.

Then, afterwards, Wolf and I were going to play, and as we were talking, we ended up doing a needle scene with some intimate conversations and negotiating future plays while having deep emotional connections.

Two of my favorite people in the local community both had meaningful experiences with me recently. 😊

It was a good night, and it reminded me why being open to finding people can be rewarding. Had this been a few years ago, I wouldn't know either of them.

My advice: If you're interested in reaching out to someone, go for it before that opportunity is gone. You may just make a meaningful relationship.

Surprised my Girl at the Club 💪

I had a long day at work and wanted to cheer her up. It went great.

She was busy working -- I borrowed her for a second.

I asked if she wanted to plan some club time in the future❓

When tossing around some ideas, wrestling came up, which she loves 🥰

She said, "No way. I am too strong and combat-trained for her."

I'm sure that's true but she doesn't have to win lol - I said well if you would find it fun, I would be glad to joke around.

She said the imbalance is too significant.

I was like, really, who knows?

Then I said, "Hey, Let's do a strength test," and politely offered a quick arm wrestle.

We squared up, and I told her to pull with all her might. My arm didn't move or feel much pressure.

I was shocked 😳 I stated empathically No, seriously, like are you actually trying because I didn't notice anything ⁉️

Then I saw her sorta moving her arm, and the second I attempted to pull her down, I instantly won.

I then said, let's try one more time, but this time please give me everything‼️

We started, and it was even less noticeable than last time 🤣

I guess because she was tired from the first attempt.

Then she literally put both hands on the arm and started to lean into it, and finally, I felt a challenge, as if I had to tense my arm. I was so excited that I was finally feeling a challenge. I was like, "Sweet, you can do it. Go for it, girl!"

Then I asked her if she was ready for me to pull back? 😇

Once I went for it, I was able to win the match with my one arm against both her arms, pulling with everything. I barely gave it 30% 🐺 (guess I was an Italian wolf tonight☺️)

I know I am strong, but I didn't realize I was that much stronger than her.

I train martial arts regularly and work as an EMT (lots of lifting equipment and people)

I don't do any specific weight work and have never trained for arm wrestling specifically, so I had no clue how this was gonna go.

She said I looked happy,

Yeah, I was happy to see my girl, but it also felt good that even after working a 14-hour shift and being dead tired, I still had enough in the tank to beat my girlfriend's best effort with both arms. 😜

This is a reason why most guys could never be interested in me, I am way too powerful 🏋️‍♀️

Difference Between a Brothel and a Place is Not much Different it is Still a Cage 📿

This Quote from the Apothecary Diaries really struck a chord. : my random thoughts around it.

As an Orphan so Much of my Life I had to Struggle Times I didn't even know where I was Going to Sleep.

Yet as Much as I Overcame to make Myself Useful Degrees n such what does the actual achievement gain mainly - the ability to service people in different ways.

I have never been judgemental seeing my mother date abusive men for her habitat showed me how desperate one can be when a system of control is in place that others can use to sway your actions.

I want more Medical training so in my free time I can service the poor and needy to greater degrees.

I know it sounds silly but when hurricane Katrina hit in New Orleans and I saw pictures of countless harm. I cried not only due to the massive disaster but due to my own inability to do anything to make a difference that as much as I wish I could go and make a contribution I was unable.

Here I am been doing search and rescue training volunteering and being an EMT for about 5 years now and currently in medical school.

Times have changed if all hands are on deck I can have an impact anywhere.

Yet what has that childish dream to be a hero cost me?

I never set foot on my familys homeland of Italy despite how much I have wanted to go from the first stories of my grandparents and great grandparents.

I have never set foot in Japan been doing martial arts since I was 7 and owe much of my achievement to my dedication to my ability to be inspired by Bushido at a young age.

What of relationships people have asked me for several years now whats the plan and to be frank if it wasn't for my current girlfriend throwing me in a coffin ⚰️ and telling me that we are dating I probably would be single still I was for the previous 8 years before I met her.

It is said in America you can be anything yet for how many is that true?

I feel in a cage as well - I still wanna be a hero but it might be nice to do soem of the things I want before I die for myself.

Can I balance both what I feel is my purpose on this earth to help people and my own personal interests?

I never really tried.

You know people pity individuals like my mom yet she was happy with the choices she made at the time.

I been trying to follow a childs ambition to be a hero and in more than one way feel I failed myself as a person along the way.

---+++
One moment that is coming to mind is a scene I never forget from good will hunting the brainy genius had broken down the therapist and then the next day the therapist explained to him that he realized he didn't know anything he was just a kid.

The quote where Robin Williams as the therapist lays it back on him landed on me as well.

So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that.

I remember thinking during that scene yeah i really could quote a ton about Michelangelo actually - he was gay David was his lover he worked for the church and one of the reasons his paintings were so amazing is he was a grave robber and conducted scientific studies in-fact some of his drawings helped influence early anatomy texts.

Yet I still never got to smell it. I am still in many ways the brilliant kid who never got to genuinely live there own selfish dreams.

To bad one-day I will wake up to death and might never have gotten the chance to do the things I would have wanted for myself.

Soul Searching -

Today was one of those days. Growing up, I didn't have much family and didn't get much attention or love.

So, how do I fill the void in my mind with achievements?

I often go out of my way to achieve things that I can point to and be like, "See, I have value. I did this impossibly awesome thing, and after it feels hollow."

The need has been filled for a while, so what do I do? I find the next thing to get obsessive about, achieve that mountain 🏔️, and move on to the next.

It would be nice if, at some point, I could do things without some sort of internalized need to combat insecurity.

Working on how. 🥺

Complete transparency and vulnerability feel weird. The need to be perfect means so much to me yet all we can do is chase the never attainable.

My mantra for as long as I can remember-

Good, better, best, never let it rest - till your good is better, and your better is best.

Homemade Waffles For the Girl 🏳️‍🌈 🧇

"Warm and Fluffy Like Your Tits"

The highest praise 🥰 I have gotten for my homemade waffles 😋.

I decided to go a tiny bit experimental I mixed in a bit of brown sugar and bacon 🥓 in one.

Then after I served it to her she was wondering if I could make it with raisins and let me tell you something clicked really awesome 😎.

Even I had to grab a second one like that.
Cooking 🔪 for people is the best. 🥓🧇

It's possible to enjoy penetration?
A combination of hang ups - rasied catholic, sexually abused, am intersex with XY chromosomes all made me uncomfortable having a vagina.

On multiple occasions I attempted to have doctors remove my vagina and uterus thinking - what's the point anyway?

Note doctors didn't take kindly to this request.

Lately, my GF and I have been working on physical intimacy since my challenges have been a source of tension in our relationship.

For the last couple of weeks, we had been more sexual than in the previous 6 months. A couple of times, this resulted in her using a strap-on.

What surprised me most was how quickly the feeling could go from discomfort and tension to genuinely pleasurable.

I know anatomicaly vaginas can expand when aroused and having sex but feeling the diffrence in my body was shocking.

There are days when I wish I had never had to acknowledge my body behaves in a cis fashion.

Yet what have I gotten from denial or self-loathing?

I am a feminist, yet I am often disgusted by my own body behaving in a typical female manner.

I admire people who radically accept themselves without judgment.

I am working on that for myself. I spent too many years feeling like a freak for having a female body.

It really shouldn't matter that our society has created a false narrative that XY equals male.

There is no binary, intersex people like myself shatter that myth often from before birth.

Multiple intersex conditions make people different. I am one such case.

Also, why do so many people and medical professionals often make me feel diseased for having a natural occurrence happen?

50% of the population is female? So what if my female body happened due to a 1 in 270,000 occurrence? Wanna line up the nearly million people like me around the world and kill us?

I have a female body due to a rare mutation. Does that mean I should hate myself forever for existing?

I'm alive and healthy in a female body, why can't that be enough without drama?

Do these people secretly believe that being a female is a terminal illness or something?

If I never mentioned that I am intersex, people wouldn't even know. So what would they pity me the same way if I was born with XX chromosomes?

I choose to speak out as intersex because the stigma that made me hate myself needs to end.

Everyone has mutations—light-colored or red hair mutation, blue or green eyes mutation, taller or shorter than most of your family mutation, supertaster mutation, color-blind mutation, double-jointed mutation, and we can go on about common mutations that people encounter every day that aren't taboo.

Yet since mine made me female bodied, I have to spend my entire life ashamed I'm not male bodied - Like I "should" have been.

I am tired of the internal self-loathing and feeling less than for having a female body.

learning to love my hands.
I have hand dysphoria. Being intersex it is hard to ignore ways in which my body decided to present (cis female.)

I have dainty hands.
Yesterday at work In a hospital I reached for some gloves and when I realised I had put on extra smalls and they could fit relatively fine. After the call I had to go into the bathroom and take a moment to regain composure.

My hands to some don't look small because I have long finger but the palm of my hand is only about 3 and half inches long and not thicker than a dime.

Ugh 😫

I have trained in martial arts my whole life and often do weight training so I am really strong.

This makes my hands feel smaller than they should be since why can't they look powerful!

Creating the headspace to look at the bright side💡is a challenge. Lets try it?

My hands are so compact when I grip it can tigten like a snake since the bones can almost coil up due the size.

Also I give great massages due to the fact I can be both delicate and yet powerful.

I have with plenty of training so have high dexterity and can often do things people find hard rather it is thread a needle or making a clean cut with a scalpel.

My hands have a unique mix of power and tender that had they been bigger they could not do.

So what if hands might never be masculine why is that a bad thing - in my brain?

I might wish for androgynous features but there is nothing wrong with liking some of my "feminine" features?

I love my F breats and although choose to wear binders most of the time due to being harassed never once wanted them to be altered.

I want to love my hands and not view them as a psychic liability.

When you Mess up Fess up!
Just last night my GF called me and after some banter I kinda just bitched about my day for 20+ mintues and didn't give her time to talk about her day.

I didn't notice the time or that she had to go soon but it did make me realize she is correct I need to do better to make her feel heard as well.

Many people with ADHD have time blindness here is how it is described.

Time blindness, a common symptom in ADHD, refers to difficulties perceiving and managing time, impacting how individuals estimate, track, and use their time. This can manifest as underestimating or overestimating how long a task will take, difficulty creating and adhering to schedules, and losing track of time, especially during hyperfocus.

This is not an excuse nor a defense this is the reason the problem happened.

So my proposed solutions-

One we always start conversations with her news or information first since she is better about going through things she wants to talk about

Set a timer on how long I can talk about a topic that when it goes off the topic must switch by

Call my attention to the fact I have become locked in a subject because I truthfuly don't notice.

An issue I feel between me and her is she understands and misreads some of my atypical behaviors through other lenses.

But she isn't as familure with ADHD and I am so profoundly ADHD I dont just have a script for adderall (amphetamine) which is a controlled substance because some people abuse it for the wrong reasons. But I also have disablity accommodations at uinversity.

I have had a therapist recently tell me I have one of the most profound cases of ADHD she has ever sceen.

Infact on this very day about 12 hours ago one of my patients told me she wishes I would stop being a maniac and just shut the hell up and be a normal person for gods sake.

Note this was me on my medication. When I am off my medication I can be damn near cartoonish.

Most people love my high energy yet its not for everyone and yes when it pisses off a patient or my girlfriend I have to be more considerate in coming up with systems to better guide the behavior.

The key aspect of discussion around this is to honestly reflect and express that-

A I never intend to be a jerk about my behavior

B This is because of my own neurodivergent matrix and totally unintended

C I am willing to come up with systems to make it better for people but I also need people to remind me of said systems

D knowing why something is happening doesn't mean we can't work to improve it.

I often blog about events good and bad, or ways I am great. This is a short coming because my ADHD is a double edge sword while the high energy enthuisam and deeply intense hyper focus are good aspects.

It isn't without downsides. I have lost many friends over the years because they didnt want to be friends with someone with my diffrences. We are all unique but the ways in which I am unique at times can just piss people off to a breaking point.

My grandmother sometimes when I would just talk and talk and talk would just randomly without warning just slap me across the face and say sorry I just couldn't take hearing another word from you at this moment.

Note this was someone I had a better relationship with overall. So this isn't a new problem people see in my behavior the question is can intentional choices be made to better handle the negative aspects.