Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Enjoying Rurouin Kenshin Remake

Didn't think I would enjoy a remake this much but Kenshin is a property I love and has one of the few characters that I identify with. Seta Sōjirō.

For those who have read some of my posts you are aware I faced abuse and elements of crisis in my life to get where I am today.

Seta parents couldn't take care of him (same) custody given to abusive relatives (same) tried to please abusive relatives who never cared (same) decides to get strong and go off on there own ( I was a legal (independent minor / emancipated) as a teenager.

A core difference is Seta decided to follow an assassin and believed since he was bullied and uncared-for that he need not be concerned with regards to others.

I took the separate lesson - I saw how harsh cruel and unforgiving the world can be feeling deeply lonely and decided to try and use my efforts to make things better for others.

Seta eventually confronts Kenshin and although he is more gifted and could kill Kenshin in combat kenshin offers him compassion and apologizes for the pain and suffering seta faced.

Kenshin hopes openly before his death that one day like him seta could learn that it is only by bringing peace and love to others seta will ever have peace in his heart.

Seta has a nervous breakdown from the noble yet astute criticism. Seta is unable to kill kenshin and vows to make amends for serving as an assassin and being a bully to the weak something he hates.

Although this storyline hasn't happened in the remake I am so excited to see how they tackle it.

Since I already enjoy how the remake has remixed the past stories.

Examples of things I think the remake does better!

The remake has a more clear plot with less filler and dragging moments.

Even though the remake have some of the comedic moments from kenshin 1 they never play Kenshin for a total fool as the first did at times.

Kenshin is like a bear performing in the circus who at times has to maul someone that is a threat. In the first anime sometimes in the manga Kenshin seems almost like a split personality.

Meanwhile in the remake they make it clear even when Kenshin is joking around or chill he is still Kenshin! People still respect Kenshin they are just comfortable enough to know he isn't a threat to good people. (Love that shift)

The animation budget must we way up because the fluidity and extended fights at times make the old ones look like amateur hour.

I personally perfer this soundtrack/ score I find the elements better reflect the tone of the world and Kenshin.

Overall it is using jazz with a hint of Japanese sensibility.(Note jazz has always been very popular in Japan)

Why does jazz work so well to represent Kenshin? Because he is dynamic and sorta unpredictable keeping people off beat and incredibly fluid. When Kenshin starts getting serious and his musical themes come in it does change the soundscape a reflection and mirror to how Kenshins actions are combating the nature of the world.

With the score being jazzy this sort of assault on the composition taking over and changing time and beat significantly isn't jarring it's just Jazz where a main performer has added there solo contribution and thus the other performers must adapt to maintain the level of the piece. Is the same as all start to bend to Kenshins will in the world.

Overall:
5 out of 5 stars ✨

Who would i recommend Kenshinon Netflix to?

Did you like the first one?
Do you like comedy with elements of drama?
Do you like a character study with growth?
Do you like jazz?
Do you like action anime?
Do you like stories of samurai?
Do you like slow building romance?

Any of the above are reasons to watch‼️

Walking around sexually wounded 😵

The following concept is actually deep.

We see ourselves surrounded by the walking wounded—by people who have been deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds; we believe that sex and intimacy are vital to people’s sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good.

The first time I ever had a sexual fantasy I was around 13 and for some reason still to this day I cannot for the life of me understand why I was Lola Bunny 🐰 having some pretty intense sex with bugs Bunny 🐇.

Now remember at this time I didn't inow I was Intersex and was totally freaking out why in my fantasies was I a female rabbit getting penetrative with perhaps the coolest cartoon character of all time.

I kept trying to rationalize it as well as deny those feelings. Even not that long ago I tried to downplaye if I am a furry?

Meanwhile I met my girlfriend at a pet event at BPH while being a non verbal Pikachu - if I am cosplaying I try to be In character.

One of my odd talents is I am really good at voices the first impression I ever learned and perhaps the best Is Mickey Mouse 🐁 when people ask me to say something out of character I get upset as the performer and have to remind them usually in character that Mickey doesn't behave in such a manner.

I think it's fun to play and get lost in the theater 🎭 of performance. Who doesn't want to have a break from being themselves for even a moment or two if possible?

I don't think I ever publicly admitted this but even though I have had plenty of internal conflict when considering how I should have been male due to my XY chromosomes I never once had a sexual dream of having a penis and using it pentratively in-fact even before I had the cosmetic microphallus removed in most my dreams if I was the one doing the penetration I used a strap on.

It's wild how much my own psych always saw my body as female even before I had processed I was of the typical female sex.

One of the most bizarre behaviors I used to do is not separate sex from chromosmes and up until 28 I used to tell people oh I'm not female I am a male with a really insidious birth defect that made me have a near cis female body. Like I could always have just said yeah I'm an Intersex female. So much more accurate 😳

Having XY chromosomes I "should" have been typically male bodied but my sex isn't and didn't develop male.

In all practicality it is in retrospect the dumbest thing I ever once believed or struggled with.

The argument that helped me from being a stubborn idiot and not just looking at it from a chromosomal aspect was we would never use how someone gets to a destination as a different name.

If the end destination is New York City rather you: fly, take a train, jog, bike, it doesn't change who you are when you arrive.

The fact is during puberty my body turned loose the female sex characteristics periods wider hips breats and clearly more typical female thoughts behaviors and yes even sexual desires.

So let me get this I have the phenotype of a female and nearly identical biology to other cis women but I wanna focus on a Y chromosome that didn't do shit as why I'm a "male" that thought was and is insane.

When people in our culture say things that XY chromosomes make someone male it still makes me sick inside because they are not only saying that to the wind they are invalidating millions of people across the world like myself who are Intersex that have these variants of development.

It is that same bullshit that abused me and made me hate myself and my body for years. It made me hate how I couldn't be male bodied but clearly I'm not valid as a woman I'm some failure disease state. 😭

In my Intersex case it was my body not responding enough to testosterone to physically masculinize and in a void my body was like hey estrogen is pretty freaking sweet so went down the female anatomy line. We shouldn't judge women as less than so why should my female body be any different?

Also what's the harm in liking or feeling comfortable having a female body? My innate naturally developed female body is it somehow grander to argue how I might appear as a female but alas it is a curse upon me since I should have been a dude?

Seems pretty lame to apologize for something I don't want anyway.

As much as I might be a tomboy with a ton of take charge confident energy and able to tap into my masculine side I actually am gald I have my body overall at this point. If people werent so cruel maybe I would have gotten here sooner.

I no longer need to feel wounded or disappointed I'm Intersex sure maybe I will never be as comfortable as a cis woman who never questioned themselves and their body but I sure as heck can enjoy it now.

A simple fantasy might have been the only safe way to allow myself to process being a woman as a teenager but over 20 years later I can readily admit my body and how it developed isn't the problem.

It is the society which made me feel fucked up for being intersex that made me feel like a mistake rather than a human woman.

Trigger warning ⚠️ SA exploration (comments welcome)

Trigger warning I am going to talk about one of my SA events in my life and how I am still dealing with the aftermath over a decade later. Comments are welcome if you have anything to share or wish to talk about it.

Today I got into an argument with a Terf who was defending the argument trans women are men who not only shouldn't be in women's spaces but the fact they had a male body at some point even post ops are triggering to her because she was a victim of SA.

I laid out the case that it absurd because Trans women are women no matter the status of whats in their pants. It has nothing to do with the biology it's the energy psychology and behavior. I pointed out it was cis het men who abused her and by the way it's those same people who not only abuse but outright murder trans individuals disproportionately every year.

I went further that if she had any sorta of even reasonable event of a trans person sexually assaulting a cis het woman I'd never hear the end of it not just from her but the entier right wing propaganda machine across the world that is scapegoating trans people, yet since that hasn't happened these are just imaginary issues when the group that has hurt women the most - cis het men are getting none of this bigoted moral outrage over trans people.

She then said the most outrageous thing that I have the luxury of feeling this way because I wasn't sexually abused. This conversation happened online and it is still on my mind as I am trying to go to bed and I hope by writing about it maybe it will help me sleep.

So around 2010-2011 I went to go visit someone I had been friends with online for years through playing video games.

Without going into every detail he came on to me I resisted forcefully and then he responded with saying why don't we end the night with some tea to talk it out he felt bad for miss reading the signs.

After I drank I started to feel really tried and figured it was a stress dump from us having have so much conflict he offered me his bed to rest abit before I left and before you know I could barely move and he forced me to have sex with him.

I tried to thrash about but I just didn't have enough energy and one quote I remember when I was sorta pleeding while crying he said my tears only made him harder. After that I stopped resisting because I didn't want to give him more satisfaction and lay there in utter disgust.

When he finished he sorta roll over and went to sleep I went to go take a shower because of how filthy I felt.

I still to this day hate myself for not even really considering trying to press charges or do a rape kit but it was also the other side of the country for me and it to me seemed a he said she said sorta thing so how was I going to prove anything.

After I washed I snuck out and got back to the family event I was attending a wedding weekend which is why I was even on the west coast when I live in the east Coast.

First a thing I barely talk about publicly that has always bothered me the warm cum inside actually felt good 🤮

I have read all about how the body has wiring to try to reward procreation clearly people have sex because it feels good.

Well as much as I want to forgive my body for behaving in a natural way to that sorta feeling psychologically it took a toll.

I still resent myself for having that response.

I shortly after become a 100% asexual for 8 years even the thought of sex with women which I had once enjoyed would bring me to tears and make me feel so broken and worthless I'd start cutting.

I lost so many people who were interested and tried to date or love me during that time. I had no choice but to just blow them off for one reason or another because I didn't know how to say the words that someone who drugged and raped me broke that part of me and the PTSD of it is too great for me to have a healthy sexual relationship.

During the pandemic we all had some spare time a couple of years ago I looked him up wondering what he was doing he got a masters degree had an article written about him. He was married with multiple kids acting like a saint. It hurt me all the more what he did has left me with gaping damage yet it wasnt even a bump in the road for him.

This layer is enough for most people to relate to but now is where my life has to make it even more fucked so I can't even relate to cis women who have had similar situations.

I am Intersex I have XY chromosomes but my Y chromosome wasn't able to form properly functional testicles due to lack of responding. Thus I have a default female body.

So when I finally told my own mother about the event years later she stated see if you weren't a mutant none of this woulda happened!

I'm not her daughter a female in her eyes just some freak that my body is to blame and I didn't do the right things to combat it and try to be more manly or whatever.

For a time I hated having a female body so much I went to gender specialist doctors not because I wanted to be more masculine but I wanted to have my vagina removed with a total hysterectomy to be totally sown up so nothing like that could ever happen again.

To have medical professionals tell me that I need trauma therapy and to heal that not only would they not do that because it's totally healthy tissue if I can't start being reasonable maybe I might need intensive therapy.

Why couldn't I not want to have my vagina anymore why did other people at the time get to not only decide what was best for my body but the only solution was get help to overcome being raped and hating having a female body.

With time I am not that enraged at my body currently.

They say time heals all wounds in this case after more than a decade I can say I don't absolutely hate my body anymore.

I have had a girlfriend for three years now and although I have been for awhile trying to convince her maybe we should go absolutely plutonic as a way to sorta avoid two issues one my own body issues I still have to navigate and Two since she is poly and way more active with others there are times she genuinely thinks I am jealous it couldn't be father from the truth I am glad other people are pleasing her in ways that I still have many hang ups and lack the capacity to be a capable lover.

Before that rape I was sexy empowered and yeah even a for a time had multiple girlfriends I was sexual with even had a couple if three ways with my girlfriends.

Since the rape though I have never been the same in-fact I still sometimes cry over the memories just coming back without me having a clue as to what triggered them and wanna avoid all sexual contact.

Even if I wanted to heal and work on my sexual hang-ups I feel I am too far gone.

Who would want this damaged head case.

Thus I absolutely did suffer trauma from sexual abuse. I just am not trying to cover for bigotry since trans people had nothing to do with hurting me sexually.

I'm exhausted after writing all this~
Ice

last night at hot house 🌞

First thank you hot house and BPH for putting on a wonderful and safe experience in the heart of the mid Atlantic BDSM scene.

After having been away at University I got to see many faces I hadn't seen in 6+ months. It isn't an exaggeration even though only a few hours away medical school was so busy I barely had time to do for laundry let alone drive 5 hours to do any events.

It was so comforting to get to play with switch wolf one of my favorite play partners. To have him near me for a change of pace was pleasant. I think it surprises him that even though we met through the fact I am a rope bunny that personally I don't care about the rope as much as him now.

We did rope for a little bit then had a Minor primal grab kiss scene and then ended up doing cuddles. He even took a nap on me now is that some good after care or what!

He's such a sweet and gentle soul I am so glad even though we haven't connected much often that when we could again clearly the feelings and genuine regard remain.

There was some food provided thank you again to the hosts!

I found some stuffed shells and genuinely enjoyed them as an Italian my family would often make shells or manicotti for Holidays. A manicotti is the same basic concept as a shell but a round longer tube shape stuffed with mozzarella ricotta and spinach cooked in the oven with a light helping of sauce often with more mozzarella and Parmesan cheese on top. So getting to have some of that was really nice and I hadn't had dinner before we set out.

Miss Dion really took some great care to paint my face. It was clown a 🤡 themed night and when some of the materials that I had on hand didn't seem to work as expected off of Amazon it was incredible to have someone who could help get my face ready for the evening on site!

My girlfriend and I even had time to do a scene that hadn't happened in ages forget if it was November or December?

Anyway she wanted to do some fire playing and we did quite a bit she really enjoyed the experience. I brought out a new technique I had been practicing since last summer. I missed when the playhouse got echo one of the best fire tops in the area to teach a class I was so disappointed I was able to get in touch and she agreed to give me a private lesson.

My girlfriend came and was my bottom for the private event at the time but since then I hadn't gotten to play with my girlfriend much with fire.

Even though I still practice on my fire pad at home and do some on occasion it was fun to get the time headspace and interest to dove tail and finally play again with someone I love to pleasure.

The new techniqu was what I call fire needing. You take the wand and when its in a controled burn which she (Echo) calls a stage 2 can instead of just tapping roll in and off on the skin and sorta follow up by gently caressing the area to help ensure the heat helps relax and stimulte the muscles with warm heat while safely ensuring no left over burning alcohol.

My girlfriend genuinely loved it 😊 there is always more to learn and grow with any type of play but it feels good when you practiced something excute it and the person you want to please enjoys it.

After my girlfriend introduced me to someone who also wanted to do some fire play and well since it was already set up and the person nee to me seemed vetted by my GF I figured why not.

We had a pretty great scene although since I just started to meet this person and my comfort level with them is growing I won't write too many details but one of the standout aspects was she wasn't used to after care from doms she had played with before or how to ask for it.

It makes me feel sad for the scene tops are nothing without bottoms and anytime someone trusts you with there life as they do when you play with fire you should always show your gratitude.

Also there is a level of exhaustion that goes with the pleasure. Sure fire is relaxing and at times exhilarating but there are things to be aware of for example fire naturally drys the skin and if you play too rough can even cause some over sensation or worse burns. It's a type of play where one mistake carries a high cost.

So ensuring that your bottom is cared for before during and after is not only important it's paramount.

Being an EMT who's in medical school I am well versed in the physical aspects while having a psychology degree and being a fire bottom myself I think makes me really easy to talk to while being as safe as possible.

I am beyond honored that a new person' shared a moment with me and enjoyed it. Making someone happy truly puts a smile on my face.

I am so happy to have been a part of there journey tonight. If it is a one off hopefully I helped keep them excited and interested in the scene, if we play more hopefully as I get to know there body and tolerance I can please them more.

Word of advice for anyone who tops it is always best to start slow as you build a relationship with someone be it fire or any other play. Even the most enthusiastic person who feels confident in their previous experience you don't know their body or boundaries so enjoy the little moments as you explore someone.

Also negotiation and communication is how any of this works!

You establish the interaction and give your bottom your total attention for the duration of them putting there fait in you.

Also never forget to check in and maintain a good read if they even seem mildly uncomfortable pause and always empower them to state needs. Just because they before hand thought something was ok if they seem mid or aren't liking it in the moment it is always reasonable to tone a scene down pause it or stop it.

To me this is the core of being a good dom. Its the pressure and responsibility to safely allow someone to shift burdens upon you for a bit and only expect a generally fond experience and pleasure in return whatever that means to them.

In life allowing someone to have that level of freedom if even for a moment with me helps me feel purposeful.

Goodnight all,
Ice❄️

A 23,000 dollar mistake really hurts.

In my medical school last semester I got 3 A+'s two B+'s but one class I got a 70 a c minus.

At my school it is required to pass all classes with at least above a 70 so I am required to retake the course however since it is only offered once a year I am currently on leave of absence.

I let myself down but what's worse I let the people I wish to help down.

My grandmother died, I ended up getting scammed and rented a place to live that was run down with barely any heat in a bad area infact one day before a test one of the other people renting in my location got attacked in an attempted robbery.

I was depressed and restarted therapy to deal with all these issues yet even though I was able to pick the grade up in all my other courses that one alluded me.

I now spend the next 8 months of my life living with not only the shame but acknowledgement I cannot leave my destiny up to chance.

I have a second opportunity coming to pass that course and you better believe I am not going to let it slip through my fingers.

Soon the obsessive studying shall being I needed time to rest abit and emotionally processe what transpired.

I know what I must do reasons for failure might protect the ego of some but does it do my life anygood to say woe is me.

Life's not fair is it. Never has been never will be.

My life has often graced me with the harder path. My hardest set back has happened I was nearing the top of one my most precious goals and I crumbled under all the emotional pressure.

I am sorry I failed my grandmother's the people who support me all the future patients that could use me as there provider.

I promise on my name that I shall not fail again I am more devoted and intense about this then ever before.

Inner reflection 🪞

I wonder if I will ever have a day when I fully feel comfortable in my own skin.

I get depressed and sometimes even consider self harm yet I don't know how to fix these emotional lows.

It isn't the PTSD from my horrible life that is the main source of my current strife. I am Intersex and like many Intersex people my family felt compelled to intervene as I was a baby.

The issue is they tried to raise me male and my body especially during puberty hard other thoughts in mind.

By 13 I started having periods and by 16 it was made clear my microphallus should be removed due to pelvic inflammatory issues that could kill me.

How many boys growing into Young men have had it broken to them whoops if you don't live as a female you could die. Oh and by the way you're not really a man look at these mri's!

So I been living knowing my body is more female than male since about 13 and by 17 was publicly living as myself fully.

But then when I had the choice for many years I messed with my meds so that I was avoiding periods because they really stressed me out.

Yet due to this bodies natural limitations having an abnormal cycle started to have undesirable side effects: brittle bones, bouts of weakness, loss of all libido and inability to have any lubrication, memory issues. I was going through menopause in my late 20's / early 30's

It was only a couple of years ago when it all came to a head where my broken foot wouldn't heal and Johns Hopkins set me up with an expert endocrinologist on not just on intersex but also bone metabolism.

One could argue she was the most knowledgeable person I could have encountered with my issues. Yet her medical advice and insistence was to set things where they would be if I was just any old cis female it didn't take too long for all of my symptoms to improve yet then I started having regular periods again which caused me great mental crisis.

When I saw her about it she was very dismissive told me to get my head out of the clouds I'm a woman and it's natural a sign of how healthy things are and went through how all my labs and even my own admission things improved so if anything I need mental health or emotional support for my inability to accept myself.

Yet as much as her and other doctors wanna make this seem open and shut it isn't though. I have XY chromosomes and was rasied male.

In theory none of this should of ever happened I am a bizarre mutation. People often use intersex as an argument bfor trans people sure fine show diversity of experience and all that but we also so that natural selection and genetic variation is real.

It would be easier to just accept I'm a female or whatever yet I may be in a female body but I just don't feel like the typical female. I am sure lots of that comes from how I was socialized.

You'd be surprised how often I have to keep from rolling my eyes when some friend of mine says hey girl / girlfriend or you go girl or referring to me in a group if females as one if the girls or whatever.

First off I am not a girl according to the dictionary a female child or adolescent. I am a Woman/ lady/ Maiden. I hate how people often infantilize women. How often do people call a 30+ year old man boy for example but calling me a girl I should fawn or see it as a complement.

I'm a genius in effing medical school I am not a female child!

Sigh

One of the loudest arguments I ever had with a health professional was a few years ago when my current primary provider decided she wanted to take abnormal vaginal bleeding off my medical chart as an active condition. I was like how is this not abnormal? She was like it's not abnormal for a woman to have a period. I pointed out how it's not normal for women to have XY chromosomes right so how is this normal.

To which she got as pragmatic about the dispute well do you have a uterus and I was like yeah? And she was like thus it's not unusual for someone with a uterus to have periods thus no matter the situation you having a uterus means you should also have normal bleeding and thus having people concerned about normal body processes doesn't make sense.

For a long time if you asked me I 100% would of said if I could have a choice I'd chose to be normal cis male and not have to deal with any of this Intersex crap.

But recently I know for a fact if I had to choose to reset my life and could choose my body I would pick to have a female sex.

Yet what makes things bizarre is even though I finally am not wishing I'd rather have a male sex I still am not happy about this body.

Knowing I feel like I should be in a female body is different than liking being in a female body.

Especially during periods I don't understand why I get so enraged by them is it because I connected it to ruining my life, is it just the gross and discomfort elements, is it that when I even tell people about my existence often I have people call me a liar.

Look I wish this wasn't real. What I find most insane about people who wanna debate my existence they will admit intersex is rare but then like why do you think I d fake it this makes no sense.

It's not like running around talking about being Intersex has ever one made my life any better.

Most people irrationally hate me for it.

My presentation of condition happens in about 1 in 270,000 times currently living in the state of Maryland which has roughly 6.2 million people divide it by 270,000 that means 22-23 people. I happen to be one of these trust me it's not the sorta probability that's fun.

People will often say 1 in a million as a complement in reality I find being a rare woman to be shitty.

When most people never even think of there sex or gender or who they are. I spent nearly 30 years of my life trying to understand my body sex gender and my place in the world.

This is quite common for many Intersex people I would have never chosen to be female which is one of the key ways my experience differs from trans. I have hated being in this body for the majority of my life.

Maybe it's maturity or the hormone changes begrudgingly having a female sex isn't the worst thing in the world.

But one of the reasons I tell people I am gender fluid or nonbinary is quite frankly even if I fully accept at this point due to my mutation I'm of the female sex that doesn't really help me sort out my gender questions now does it?

goodnight,
Ice

Got to be an EMT for a moment again.

Using this as a journal point not for a pat on the back.

I was walking with someone today while they played Pokemon go. As it happened I saw a disabled woman of color crash her motorized wheelchair while she was attempting to cross the street due to hitting a pot hole.

The moment that happened I darted into the street and immediately assed the woman she was dazed but not bleeding or brusied. She really just wanted to get back in her wheelchair chair and get back to going.

She was of sound mind and I started to help her up a driver got out and helped me with her other side as we picked her up and help set her back on her chair.

The person who was with me ended up bracing the chair because it started to slip out as she put her weight into it.

I then made sure it was working and helped secure her with her seatbelt ( the reason why she fell off when she hit the pot hole was it wasn't secured)

Then we followed her abit while she got onto the sidewalk with her apartment.

For a very brief moment I got to do my thing take control of a dangerous situation assess someone's health in the field make reasonable decisions and make it safe.

I helped today that feels good but I do miss being an EMT. I know once I become an advanced provider moments like this will only get less and less.

I mean coming to me for your physical so I can approve playing sports in college I guess makes people's lives better as well.

But it just feels like such a waste when I love emergency medicine and I have a nack for it to be encouraged to become some boring office provider.

Busy with medical school, wanted to update

As you know roughly two months ago I started medical school and everyone talks of how much studying and hard it is yet if you think you have a clue unless you did it your wrong.

I am in 6 courses and as per a contract I had to sign with the school 8 am to 5 pm everyday I have to be available for classes and speakers and events and that itself isn't all of it going to mandatory events and taking the vice president position of my cohorts diversity and equity committee generally means I am non stop busy.

A typical day is wake up 7 am shower eat do a little studying then by 8:30 go to class if I am lucky get out early at three but most days straight on till 4. Doesn't end there though you gotta do the course work maybe thats 3 hours gets you to 7 pm and what you're gonna go to bed without doing a little studying or review? Add in about 3 hours there and the 7am to 10pm when youy day finally comes to an end of your school commitments.

This has been going on pretty much everyday for me since January 5th

Of my current 6 classes 4 of them are A's One a solid B and I have been improving yet one course I am currently in danger of failing.

I am not proud of falling behind in one course but just the literal mountain of work wears you down.

I also got sick pretty bad leading into one of the tests and even though I was on antibiotics and had blood in my urine I dared not miss any classes for fear I would fall behind even more.

I have learned so much material technically how to treat roughly over 200 hundred conditions as well as the entier pathology science and exams behind all those conditions.

Yet the true amazing aspect is being able to do this while upset at the current state of the government the way it has declared war on trans people the poor and science has me at times so concerned about the future.

Yet I don't have time to be depressed I gotta finish this get my medical license and then I can more directly help people.

In general that might be the only thing holding me together.

Not dead yet.

Between the news being kinda a downer and medical school literally trying to kill me. I honestly have had very little time to even look at my profile.

In PA school you need to know over 700 conditions forwards and backwards there diagnosis, labs, treatment, and management of other symptoms while treating.

The section I am in is hematology and it genuinely is one of the hardest things I ever had to encounter in years of schooling.

First there's so many different causes of a hematologic issue which includes: cancer, genetics, deficiency, mutation, bone marrow, viruses, lead poisoning. To understand the etiology pathology treatment for each one is a mix of biology, chemistry, physics, pharmacology and nutrition.

I asked for this opportunity but it comes at a huge cost at the moment.

in medical school they keep saying take care of yourself ❓

It is my second week of medical school and there has been snow almost everyday and a literal mountain of work.

Everyone myself included feel overwhelmed yet professors and previous students who have came in to give advice say not to worry about it and relax.

What is there to relax about we have more content than any human could possibly learn in a week and it seems borderline impossible to keep this up for years.

You don't make it if you don't have great grades in the first place but to go from feeling top of the class to drowning in work is a pretty hard reality shift.

I used to think I was pretty hot shit when it comes to my intellect but it is easy to get humbled in medical school there's just so much more you never knew you never knew.

In just one week for example we learned every class of dermatology condition and treatment guidelines. It's about 80 conditions sometimes the way to diagnose is based on the freaking texture of the skin or the color at the leading edge.

I don't know about you but I never studied how to diagnose and treat every dermatology condition before so that was all totally knew.

Note that was in just one week ? so them telling us to calm down seems counter intuitive since they are introducing so much content that's brand new so quickly and so detailed that it's nearly impossible to keep up.