Ice Girl's public thoughts.

wait-listed again.🙄

For my second medical school I got a letter more taliored in reply.

It even called me a highly competitive applicant where as the other school had me as just a generic wait list.

The issue is I graduated with my main degree in 2015 and then took a couple of years off to take care of my grandmother who was dying of cancer no longer with us and my grandfather who has Alzheimer's.

Then when my aunt moved in and I felt free to get back to my career when covid hit and I did a pivot into working as an EMT and medical assistant in the heart of COVID-19 while also volunteering as search and rescue while tutoring children that were struggling to learn due to COVID-19 shutting down schools.

You would think this is the kind of mature person with good moral character and professional experience that would maje a good advanced provider.

However many medical schools have limits when classes expire, they have to be within 5 years / 10 years each school is different.

I have just now realized that I might need to retake nearly every "required" class again due to them refusing to see my lived medical healthcare experience where I'm now and Feild training Officer that literally trains and helps license EMTs as consideration because my English 100 class was taken in 2011.

Lord knows it would be impossible for me to pass medical school if I didn't retake English 100.

What sucks is the thought that if I don't get chosen off of the wait-list I will need to cram 3-5 classes in one semester to try and plug as many of these so called issues so that the algorithm won't have a problem with me next cycle and maybe try to squeeze something in winter and summer.

I generally hate bureaucracy and this is maximum hoop jumping for bureaucracy sake.

I want to get in so I can perform higher level medical care and thus have a greater impact in people's lives thus I will comply if it comes to it

If I get in there's only gonna be relief 😮‍💨 plan B is gonna waste another year of my life retaking things I already know.

The money the time the effort I am already starting to expect plan b there is no promise of getting off either wait-list.

Nothing in my life has ever been easy so why shouldn't I get more hurdles thrown my way when I'm so close to one of my goals.

I hate homophobia and it is quite active😡

One of my good friends used to go to the gym with me almost once a week and would text me back and forth daily.

For almost half a year she barely talks to me unless I contact her first and I have to beg her to hangout.

What was the main change the moment when she told her husband that I moved in with my girlfriend and mentioned that I'm a lesbian.

It's understandable he's an ex military cop so naturally had more conservative views and if the choice is a friend or your husband I don't blame her choices.

I blame a society that empowered him to even make thay request and ruin a friendship and for what fear I might sleep with his wife? (Not my fault the roids and age made it hard for him to get it up)

Or that she's already liberal and I might poison her with more thoughts about how queer people are human.

One thing about women is most of us had been abused and the thought of being with someone who didn't consent makes me sick. So I'd never touch a female friend unless consent was given because I'm not a shit bag like many men are.

Another time recently

I wrote about it at the time but me and my girlfriend were holding hands in my car some psycho drove up next to us and said something like "where are the men in your life and what do your fathers think of you or some shit like that" gesturing at us as he then ran thru a red light. What a psycho

I have had members of my own family talk about how it's never gonna work two women ugh that's doomed with all the emotional baggage what if our periods line up.

I don't understand why so many other people look down and judge how and what I do with my life. You don't wanna have a same sex relationship don't have one 🎉 tada. Is it that they resent it because they wish they could experience this forbidden thing in there mind. Like seriously if my friends husband needs to take it in the butt I know plenty of guys willing to service him I wouldn't mind pegging him if it would help him chill the eff out.

Seriously why should others care if I personally get more emotional and sexual gratification out of being with women does it hurt them in some sorta way?

I wish the insecurities around same sex relationships would finally end.

Whats the worst part is I wish I could be even more affectionate towards my girlfriend but because of all this bullshit she doesn't even feel comfortable with me talking about the relationship that much or public displays of affection.

Random heterosexuals get to do everything but fuck in public and the worst they might get is a rude comment but as a women who loves women who I gotta keep it on the downlow or risk harassment or worse.

One of the first actions I did for the Tolerance club in my high school (kinda like a gay straight alliance) was two of my gay friends got suspended for kissing in the hallway and I organized a sit in the main office with hundreds of students after tipping off the local paper until they reversed the suspension and admitted they were being unfair since heterosexual couples got away with far worse and no one was ever suspended.

Its insane to see that in 20 years the same battle to be treated fairly exists.

I just want to love who I love without reprisal when will the madness end.

Emily Armstrong is a plague upon Linkin park

Content warning ⚠️ Talking about suicide

If you don't know one of the most influential bands in the world had there lead singer kill himself due to depression. The band has barely done anything since aside from the few guest vocalists for tribute concerts.

They finally added a new singer one who in court defended a serial rapist as being a good guy and due to there upbringing in scientology doesn't believe in mental illness at all as a concept.

When the lead singer has been asked directly she claims she didn't realize the severity of her former friends actions and she regrets it. However her scilence about scientology and mental healthcare which could have saved Chesters life to me speaks more than any comment she could make.

Many of linkin parks songs we're written by Chester as he struggled with his mental illness and addiction stemming from an abusive insecure childhood.

I love music 🎶 and in it's ultimate morbid display I knew if I was going to punch out I wanted to listen to the songs that I felt best captured my own struggles with mental illness.

The two on my suicide track list from Linink park are

Crawling with lyrics like this how could it not be appropriate based on what you know of my life people who have read about it before.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced)
(That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

The other song is more of a justification -

Waiting for the end-

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady, something's empty within 'em
We say, yeah, with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
(Oh) holding on to what I haven't got

You know how many times I listened to this song debating if I should just kill myself. 😭 Like so much pain and suffering. If I believed in reincarnation then it's like no harm no foul i get a do over. If I believed in the traditional Catholic hell you think fire and brimstone would harm me when my own father beating me and pissing on me is in my memory. I'd laugh at the tormentors since my very life made me immune to such plain pain and torment.

Nah the issue is I'm an atheist I believe if I punch out one final time then that's it the pain is finally over but I trade any potential happiness the exchange one that could never be taken back.

That's why so many times I have said to myself and others the plan is to earn my death finish my main quest in life and then I can die in peace 🕊️ succumbing to the pain finally to be at rest

Sadly after losing one of my closest friends coming up on two years ago to suicide in my own home and a combination of some new people in my life who would genuinely be devasted it has now sensitized me to there position.

As much as death would release me from the pain and agony it wouldn't end that pain it would just spread it outward to anyone I ever interacted with and had a fond thought of me.

I almost wish I had never met some of these people the empathy for how my death would impact them has become an unique hurdle in what was once my clear destiny.

My girlfriend knowing this has recently in tears forced me into therapy non negotiable.

Why because she hears the pain almost every night I have night terrors I scream moan throw fits it's because i tend to relive everyday the horrible absues I faced as a child and teenager. I never know which memory I'm gonna get its like a spin the wheel for worst moments in your life and then i get to relive in what feels like unbelievable high definition.

The beatings the rapes the sefl harm the sadness how could I not scream out in pain as I feel the countless time my mother put out her cigarettes on my skin as just a minor example?

This is why Chesters lyrics and vocals have ment so much to me personally since he gets it unfortunately he tried to drown himself in substances live the rock star life to avoid the pain.

I have tried to avoid it a different way I have gone on a quest to make the world a better place before I die but suffering all the way has been unbelievably difficult.

I have finally buckled nit for my sake but the sake of those that love me to get mental healthcare.

Because I definitely don't want to die yet and I understand why some fear it.

This is why anyone singing Chester's part but doesn't believe ir support mental healthcare to me is an abomination and the band for choosing someone like that has lost all relevance to me.

He died sharing his pain with us as art and you don't even have the decency to put someone in that place who would honor his memory. Fuck them

I will close with sharing my favorite Linkin Park song lyrics

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that)
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things that I said to you)
And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that)
And I
(Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
And I
(Take back all the things that I said to you)
And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

I think as an orphan it's pretty obvious I never had a home or a family or even people I could really trust and so many times when I tried I was taken advantage of or abused so yeah so many days I pretend it's okay to just live in this world alone so many people are alone anyway what's one more forgotten unwanted life.

Freedom's joy often follows great pain.

Content warning: ⚠️ child neglect and sexual assault.

My father according to my mother after they had broken up got her drunk at a college party and he forced himself on her. This was the 80's so even when she tried to express what happened no one viewed it as rape.

That instance of pain shattered her in ways and I was left with a broken person unable to love or care for me and my wellbeing.

So many times if I even spoke out of turn she would bemoan how she didn't abort me and how I was a plague upon her life.

So often she would look around at the living conditions and ask if I was happy for our suffering because it's my fault for us being on welfare and for her losing her chances at college -- for everything.

Often the screaming fits would then beget beatings till I'd be so bruised I could barely stand anymore.

I felt so ashamed so responsible for ruining her life I just wanted to make amends for my existence ruining her life.

No matter what I achieved how perfect I performed she would be like that's nice I still have to meet another john tonight to support us so how good is it and then flick a cigarette out at me or worse kick my dog and blame it for eating all our money.

This continued until a couple of years ago because in my heart I had always sought her approval so much that any offense to me was one I was willing to endure.

I was taught to honor our father and mother from an early age they don’t add in the part unless they treat you like filth. My father was so much worse that there were trials on him attempting to murder me I had to take part in.

You might wonder how this all happened why I didn’t push back more my mom convinced me that I WAS A FREAK OF NATURE - A CHILD NOT EVEN A MOTHER COULD LOVE.

She would say things such as go ahead and report but don't think your life's gonna get any better starving in an orphanage. What could I know how could I know I felt this was as it was meant to be it got even worse when I came to understand I was intersex because it all got compounded by me hating and not understanding my own body.

I couldn't fit in with my peers at school anymore my breasts and period spotting started when I was raised a boy and tried to present male just brought everything into collision 💥.

I will never forget when in the locker room multiple boys cornered me ripped my shirt off exposed my breasts and asked me what am I.

I didn't have an answer in some ways I still don't how could I believe there was a future free from pain hate rejection. If I did everything my mom even whispered and it still wasn't enough how could I ever be enough for anyone?

Action to action in my life has been one prolonged epilogue on a life that I felt in many ways was already done born cursed with a rare intersex condition to a jukie whore on welfare. Who wants to associate with anyone like me who could ever want to be with a person like me? If I were to get married who would walk me down the aisle the no one else who wants to be associated with me?

I am finally starting to breathe again and find myself in all of this because the location of so much of my pain and agony has been extracted.

I had mentioned to my mother that I had fallen for someone and I guess in part because she didn't like the fact my ear was bending to another and whatever aspects in her black heart got triggered but she disrespected my girlfriend.

While I have been broken in many ways to take any abuse no matter how grand and want to reach a compromise her disrespectful attitude towards someone I loved someone who for the first time made me believe someone might love me was a bridge too far.

I am deleting her from my life forever.

The last call conversation me and my mother will ever have was when I was going to Bridgeport for an interview at medical school she called knowing the time to wish me luck. I told her i don't believe in luck. She then started to yell at me and say she was trying to be supportive why am I such an ungrateful difficult little shit -- well she hopes I fail is that better.

I told her it wasn't the time to talk and we should address it later and I hung up. I then sent in a text that applying to medical school is too grand a task for me to manage her bullshit right now and I won't talk to her again until next year.

It's been a month now without talking to her and you know what I feel better my life is better I'm a happier person without her. Extracting her was a lifelong process that has left me vulnerable and emotional in ways I never had encountered before but it was the start of new possibilities.

I cannot build for the future when someone wants to continue abusing me and taking advantage of my grace.

It's the hardest decision I ever had to make but if I want my full potential unlocked I have to rid myself of unneeded baggage.

I tried my best to salvage it but today my mother is finally dead to me.

Female demisexual problems

I had been living with my girlfriend roughly 50% of the time for nearly 14 months then due to a situation for the last month it's been upended.

Yet when I get to see her now I'm so unbelievably excited the entier time It's like I sprung a leak. I have started to wear period panties because that way at least my clothes don't get ruined.

A part of this is also I don't masturbate one can argue girlfriend it's time to figure that whole thing out but it doesn't do it for me at all.

I have mentioned being Catholic and this isn't a nun thing I swear.

I think one of the funniest moments I ever had in my relationship was when my girlfriend was like well I wanna see what you do and I sorta went at it and she said after a bit of time: what you're not gonna bring in media or something? I was like I don't like porn since as a demisexual I don't know any of those people thus it feels abusive. Then she was like maybe a storyline I was like yeah but I don't know them either getting turned on by other people that's kinda stalker behavior.

Then she was like ok maybe if I whisper and talk to you I was like well maybe if you just play with me abit. She's like this is serious you should know how to do this.

Well she got bored and then after another 2 hours or so of me struggling she came back into the room and was so sympathetic to my strife so she finally helped me finish. Once she entered the picture it was quite easily enough. (Thankfully)

Thus take a situation now where I am separated from her for most of the time and then I get one evening with her you can see why I literally have trouble containing my excitement at any moment.

She currently calls me her sad clow frog 🐸 because of how I'm always so depressed and trying to perform and please others.

But before she used to call me a puppy and in many ways this is where you can see that aspect of my character on display.

It at times almost physically hurts to be this infatuated with someone. What's funny is she has towels stashed in locations we have sex normally because of this issue. ( I genuinely wonder how many strategic towels she has placed in the apartment) 😳

Once when we were on the couch and it started to get serious and she was like oh I need to get a towel I was like ok sure I will wait and she's said I'm prepared. 😉

Then she just reaches over and whips out a towel she had stashed away by the huge 6 ft Snorlax we have. (Oh my)

My body has never been this responsive to anyone before it's embarrassing when your girlfriend thinks she needs chucks just to make out with you in your own apartment because you're wetter than a waterpark but there's like no flow control valve on this thing. 💦

I started writing many of my thoughts for a reason.

My two big plans / goals in life were to get into medical school and write my life story because I believe beith everything I have gone through it could help inspire and support other queer people especially trans (even though I am not trans) and intersex people about how just being given a raw start you can achieve great things.

Also I think as an orphan with only one biological relative that even talks to me a part of it is wanting to exist in the world in some ways.

There is the argument of the three deaths. The first is when die the second is when the last person says your name and the final one is when the good you have done in the world turns to dust.

The goal was that by living a grand life and contributing as hard as I could to change the world for the better maybe I could leave an impression on this earth.

I feel with so few Intersex leaders and icons that as someone intelligent and talented it's also kinda my duty to attempt this.

So writing my life thoughts and experiences I hope will help me in this process it is also getting me comfortable with the idea of people getting to know me in an intimate way since what autobiography about my life won't talk about the physical sexual medical and emotional abuse I have been through.

It will be odd one day if someone is coming to see me for treatment as a medical provider and are like hey i read your book so how did you get over the sexual assault n such?

My answer until this very moment I didn't have one but I finally put together something reasonable: your aware of how alcoholics say they are always an alcoholic well in a similar way a sexual abuse survivor is always a survivor the event forever changed my relationship to my body and men. The thing is I leaned with time to not hate all men for the action of a couple in my life just like not all of any group are at fault for the whole.

This took time maturity and lots of work in myself plus learning to gain an appreciation for the good men in my life and realize it was so unfair to treat them poorly because I was scared and hurting.

That's the answer I would give today to a question like that. Hopefully it will continue to refine and grow as I continue to get stronger everyday.

I get to relax for a second.

Saturday my car got randomly towed (parked on a street that had a marathon wasn't even marked) and dumped somewhere in Baltimore taking me hours to find since the city didn't keep any records. (Apparently this was a favor 😄)

Sunday the coworker who was sexually harassing me threatened me directly so I finally went to the bosses had to deal with only some of the fallout on Monday who knows what's next❓

Literally as that was happening started therapy with someone new so ended up giving them the abridged version of every horrible thing that haunts me in my PTSD. Was quite emotional having it all stirred up.

I asked a professor for an extension due to the harassment at work taking too much time for me to get one assignment done, and although they were kind enough to grant it they want me to see the college therapist to help process what happened because they are concerned about my well being.

As if I even have time for that?

Today had a 4 hour interview with a medical school so under unbelievable scrutiny for nearly 4 hours going through multiple interviews with faculty and staff. Yet couldn't let them see me at all had to have the polished face only a true performer can produce.

and

Just now finished catching up all my delayed work. I can for the first time in almost 3 days can breathe.

I am annoyed at myself for falling behind in my classes. 🤬

I normally am way ahead but the last 3 days been such an emotional and time sync I been fighting to get back in the game.

Other people can take a day off but the house of cards of my life cannot go without being attended.

This is the most critical moment of my entire life failure or success rides on me rising above all obstacles or else everything gets delayed for a year or more!

My spark will continue to push onward ! I'm ready for the next phase of my life and no amount of chaos will kill my moment.

Now I must sleep for tomorrow I will attack the day and make the struggle of the last couple days feel like just a memory.

Being female bodied is rough. 😞

Following up on my last post a coworker who was sexually harassing me escalated to a threat yesterday when we worked together.

At the end of a quite dramatic situation as we were prepping the ambulance he said I got something to say and he went on an angry fueled tirade on how because I'm applying to medical school that doesn't make me better than anyone and I should respect him and others more instead of being a B--ch.

The way he said it I could see it was a proxy for the fact I rejected his advances and told him a couple of weeks ago if he didn't stop I would go to management.

Yesterday I had a therapy session and oddly as I was driving over my Boss called me told me to give him some receipts or else they can't do anything.

So I had to quickly go through my phone and provide screenshots while trying not to be late.

My boss said something don't know if its a trained to say comment or from the heart.

He called me brave for coming forward. I certainly don't feel very brave since I tried to manage the co worker on my own for months by reasoning with him about the situation.

I feel I failed because I let him get to me and I came forward to face this unknown because I couldn't handle it on my own anymore now I'm anxious he might attack me or my bosses angry with me.

I don't want to lose my job because a coworker couldn't take a rejection yet now who knows ultimately what's going to happen.

All I can say is that I am happy that I am no longer covering for my abuser.

I no longer have to pretend I am ok with his unbelievable amount of BS.

Reported a sexual harasser at work 🚑

Working an ambulance 🚑 you get close to your partners. Sharing intense and at time life and death moments naturally make tension which is in part relaxed by dark humor and bonds of friendship to get through.

However a male coworker since may had been sexually harassing me. Due to me for a time thinking he was a friend I told him politely that I perfer women and I have a girlfriend and to please never be sexually inappropriate again.

This bubbled up again in August when his girlfriend accused me of wanting him because she found his texts to me which were sexually inappropriate.

I then told him to chill the heck out and leave me alone he apologized for his behavior and the drama but then stated he would still love the honor of being ny friend.

I told him after all he has done that ship has saled I don't mind working with him but he needs to keep it professional or else I will have to go to management about his behavior and I am trying my best to avoid that because I don't want to risk his job I think he's a good person but perhaps a tad emotionally unstable and needs help due to his irrational anger.

Well two weeks later and he's making up issues that never happened trying to get me in trouble with the job. This man has multiple work write ups and tons of issues I been there a year and such a thing has never happened once.

However I'm nervous 🫦 now because I gotta worry he might show up one day and try and stab or shoot me for reporting him. This is America after all me going to management about his poor behavior now has me fearing that going to my job to save lives and help people could get me attacked.

I can't believe that turning him down has caused him to become totally unhinged and force me to do this.

I should have known that I couldn't help him since when he found out I liked magic as a kid and knew how to juggle he ended up teaching himself to juggle to try and impress me.

It was both sweet and ultimately so misguided. I am not into you dude it's not my fault I prefer women I was born this way why couldn't he just let me be.

Why did it have to come to this?

I wrote a letter to three managers about his behavior and now the cards will fall where they may. 😭

Forever Remembered 🌹


You have never died

We yet to bid goodbye

In the hearts of all you touched

Your deeds only grow

I cry tonight because

As in most nights

My love for you burns

No matter the here or hereafter

I say a silent prayer

Though we seem apart

This moment you're alive in my art

The weight of your physical absence

Brings griefs embrace

I know tomorrow will be more sorrow

Till I fade to dust

I hold true

Guarding the memory of you

Until I see where you have been hiding

all this time

and I finally get to say

Peakaboo