Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I am sitting here as I am trying to get to sleep with objectives I want to achieve soon and yet I worry that I will fail.  Later today I am visiting my girlfriend and I hope to cheer her up but often despite my best efforts I don't feel like my presence made any difference.

  I have the only relative in my life who is still worth it and my best friend visiting from New York for xmas and I want them to have an amazing time.

I spent a lot of money on gifts, and food to prepare I know they would like. 

Even today for my best friend he mentioned he was gonna bring instant coffee down and I was like oh thats not great what's your favorite coffee.  And he mentioned Ethiopian Yirgacheffe so i had to solve the coffee problem and studied how to use a steam press process while practicing it and spending way to much money on coffee that will now serve no purpose until the next time he visits. 

Just because the thought of making him happy means so much. What's money to me if I can make hin happy burn it all. 

My aunt asked me if I wanted tickets to go to a football game to go with her and I was almost in tears because...

I don't want to go to a game I just am so happy to see her it's been almost 8 months and me and her have had some real tension this year because she's kinda an idiot at times.  What comes to my mind is this line from one of my favorite songs. 

Life is so unnerving For a servant who's not serving He's not whole without a soul to wait upon. 

My girlfriend gets annoyed at me because she says I should have intrinsic value and not look for approval so much or want to please people as much as I do but it's a part of me. 

I know this is a direct result of being an orphan I want so much to be loved. I would gladly suffer to make someone I remotely care about even a fraction happier. 

When people don't give me tasks to do or to be useful some way I kinda don't trust it. Like what do you want me to do just hang out with you not cook clean entertain or do your work or tutor you. How can I be of service?

I will never forget not that long ago one of my so called good friends at school together with me for like 8 months in a program together I tutored them, did all there homework but made sure to go over it with them so they could be ready for tests.

Often brought food and snacks to study secessions to keep them engaged, and of course was unbelievable kind to there family even helping there father with some tasks around the house. 

Yet when they got the qualification they just dropped me like they never even cared.  My girlfriend said that sorta behavior is because of the fact users look for gullible people like me to exploit and that is why she worries so much because I can get easily taken for a ride. 

Yet my view has always been if someone hurts me or takes advantage of me whats the point in being mean back they probably were just that desperate or had their backs against the wall. 

If someone took advantage of me I like to think I at least helped make there life better and ultimately that is my purpose.

  I try to be a tad better about now so as not to keep upsetting people who care about me or make them worried. 

My default view is I am the type of person I wish the world had more of. 

The fact people hurt me or take advantage of me in some way thats a them problem. 

Don't we want a world with more people who assume the good in people put others first try their hardest to be in service to others and make them happy healthier.

I will never understand the people who just catch a random picture or one post out of context and assume I am a submissive.

  Don't come out of the nothingness to sexually objectify me it is the surest way to never have access to me. 

I am a above all sexually a demisexual so unless you have won my utmost respect and admiration I want nothing sexual to do with you. 

Additionally I have never felt an attraction to cis het guys. 

I am more comfortable with people who have been marginalized for their gender and or sex because it gives me a point of relation.  This helps because I don't have to explain much of what I feel. 

As an Intersex gender fluid person with moments of extreme gender dysphoria I don't think most people who haven't felt that on some level can understand.  Believe me I am doing cis het men a favor by not showing a sexual or kink interest in them because we are as far from compatible as any two people can be. 

As for the submissive point I am a switch but that doesn't mean I will sub for anyone. 

More then switch I really am simply a service oriented person who aims to please. 

If I care about someone or a person who earnestly wants my attention I will be glad to play with them if I deem them as trustworthy.

  If they want me to run needles in their body, beat them till they scream, or sensually play with their body with my fire or massage kits these are just some of the ways I dom others. 

Yet for the truly special, the kind of person that I find enjoyable and fully trustworthy I might kneel before you and plead for you to share your joy with me. 

But if I didn't ask or show an interest odds are I'm not into you playing with me. 

Note I don't find BDSM sexual in and of itself.

For me kink doesn't mean sex unless you are my partner and that is an expressed part of the dynamic. 

This shouldn't be difficult to understand. 

The overall dynamic I am most likely to bottom for is rope.  I have a novice skill set in rope so I can't do it myself yet and those who are really notable to me I am quite happy to let them tie me up drag me in a harness hog tie me suspend me it's such a joy. 

I am confident enough to admit fully I'm a rope bunny 🐇 aint nothing to it (shaking cotton tail.)  But does that mean I want every individual who ever tied a knot to tie me up? 

Of course not, if I haven't shown an interest in your skills then generally it's safe to assume I have decided we wouldn't be a good fit or I don't know you well enough to feel comfortable with you. 

If you wanna know how to get my positive attention?  Get to know me as a person. It's not a pickup line, a photo, or some bragging that gets my interest. 

Be a genuine person who has interesting things to say that make my heart feel incomplete without your presence in my life. 

In my opinion that's kinky.

 As an Italian super taster loving appreciating and creating food that is a reflection of emotions means the world to me. 

Many people in my life that are special I have gone out of my way to make a dish that is a reflection of that moment as a way to capture that essence and share it. 

An example is I make a tremendous jerk chicken and curry goat. 

This is a reflection of my first girlfriend who was a Jamaican Dipomat advisors daughter and I spent 3 summers in a row living in Jamaica. 

Because so many people would rave about it my grandma asked me to make it for her and even though I told her she wouldn't like it her insisting made me and she complained how spicy and tart it was ( chicken washed in vinger rubbed in jerk spices)

  She asked me if I could tone down the spice. 

I said absolutely not! It has to be made authentically or not at all. Whenever I make that dish it reminds me of that special someone and my Jamaican friends. 

I now have a new dish on my list Latkes!  The first time I made latkes was last week I had never heard of the dish.  Eventhough I grew up with relatives who made them and probably at times had them, my brain probably just thought of them as odd tasting hasbrowns.

  Me and my girlfriend had went to a place that apparently specializes in that type of food since 1933! 

So I figured I was about to have my mind blown and yet it tasted like luke warm sorta bland potatoes. 😭  She stated they tasted like they were just taken outta of a premade freezer, fried and just reheated. 

The lameness of something I was looking forward to made me say as I live and breath I must make a better version. 🤔  So I spent hours wathcing food videos reading recipes -- while my girlfriend was sleeping.

Then I did mental visualizations of the layering of the ingredients and concept fusing multiple recipes into the version I think would taste best. 

So last Thursday was the first time i tried it and oh boy was there fun involved -- didn't know it was gonna have blood play!😵‍💫 

When I was shaving the potatoes the first time the slicer slipped and I shaved a sliver of my finger off! 

I had to then wrap my hand in a bandage and make them with one hand so as to not contaminate the food with my blood.  I also didn't have enough eggs at first for the amount of potatoes. 

so I had to ask my girlfriend to crack eggs for me as i tried to mix them with one hand it was a disaster.😵

  The first one attempted exploded into three parts because I didn't cook it long enough before flipping. 

Also I tried to cook them in a wok which wasn't the best choice. 

Yet even with all that set back latkes had promise. 

Today my second attempt were absolutely delicious.  Without cutting part of my finger off, swaping breadcrumbs for panko bread crumbs, getting more water out of em in better wringing technique, adding a tiny bit more onion, adding more salt, and cooking them in a cast iron skillet-- oh my gosh everyone went nuts. 

I can't believe in less then 4 days of trying to master a dish I can safely say my latkes crush the ones that I had a restaurant known for them. 

One of the reasons I love cooking is like any Italian I believe food is one of the most important experiences in life. 

Every time I make latkes it is now linked to the woman who introduced them to me. 

People often joke and say the secret ingredient in food is love. I will be far more descriptive the secret ingredient is taking pride in what you do and caring about the final product. 

For some it's love that drives them, for me its to honor my heritage, my drive to excel at what I do, and my genuine joy in bringing happiness to others. 

Good food can put a smile on almost anyones face and being able to do that is a gift to everyone.

I usually live with my girlfriend on weekends. But this time I spent a week with her and it was better than I expected.

Usually when we spent extended time together it was visiting her family and had lots of driving or stress but this was the normal environment.

On the last day I made her fresh waffles and dinner from scratch.

Well sorta, it was a waffle batter but it came out really tasty I sprinkled some large salt crystals in the waffle batter, when you take a bite sometimes it just hit with this random pow of flavor I was really impressed 😁.

She likes salty things so I figured it couldn't hurt it.

Now I have to get back to other obligations, and am not able to see her for abit.

I know that's gonna be hard on her.

I have bitched quite often when I'm upset but how often do people praise when it goes well?

I wasn't looking for a girlfriend when she sorta pressed the issue but now that she's in my life -- it is nice that she's around.

There are lots of unknowns such as when I get into medical school will it be too far and cause a natural break up.

I know she's worried about that but would never want to get in my educations way.

Dear Professor, 

I gained enough skill to be paid to do public magic shows and play instruments for entertainment; I played in Carnegie Hall and was a competitive pro at multiple games.

I couldn't do that if I wasn't open to seeing my mistakes and using them to keep enhancing my skills.

I personally believe talent is overrated. You can have all the talent in the world, yet without hard work and endless commitment, you are just like everyone else. 

The deeper question is, why do I have this obsession to push myself to near perfection when other people seem perfectly ok with coming in second or phoning in half-backed work? 

It is pathological from being an orphan without family I sought praise from being the best at things. From the first time I stood in front of a group of people to read my poetry as a 7-year-old and had people captivated by my talents, the praise, the applause, the recognition, it was there as a shallow plug for my inner void where most people had the safety blanket of love and family.

I just have my goals. 

Thus where, as most people going to a class it is a means to an end. I am suffering to be the greatest at everything I do. My talent is the only thing that matters; as I live and breathe, I have one thing left to achieve: be the greatest me ever, which means it doesn't matter if I am sick and tired, if I got no sleep for seven days straight, doesn't matter if I study till I cry, because at the end I have another A to add to my collection.

Another moment where I knew I did the best I could and that for one more moment, I proved to myself and someone judging me that my self-abuse of overwork was worth it because I impressed yet another person. 

(name removed for the internet) , no one cares who I am or what I have to say. If they did, it would already be outlawed to have non-consenting genital mutilation on intersex children.

The treatment of orphans and poor children with talent but no support would be something our country better accounted for.

I had genius level tests in grade school when being tested for accommodations, yet did anyone care I grew up underprivileged, and when other students got to focus on college, I had to pull shifts at a local laundry mat and cleaning company of which both fired me for trying to teach the Spanish workers English and talking to them about labor rights in the state of New York as I would often go to sleep hungry and unloved.

  If the deep reflection and honest answer of who I am is not the answer you seek a reflection for and what I think of the feedback here is a more typical answer to the question you asked. 

Most of the students gave quite superficial feedback that had very little that was actionable. For the first speech, the main issue they had was my ADHD movement and need to move, so I addressed that by sitting for the following two speeches.

The second speeches main criticism were the lighting the poor biography and a weak ending.

As I noticed everything that was mentioned, I incorporated it to make the final presentation better. Was it perfect ? Actually, as mentioned, I still needed to get used to using citations in the manner it was for this class, so if I could do it again, would it be better?

Of course. Additionally I feel although I had a dynamic tone it was off putting to some students I think if I dialed it back 10 % it would have been just as impactful yet maybe reached more people? 

It's hard to say because the topic is so important to me. The inflections are me harnessing my emotional truth, and when speaking from the heart, I was already working so hard to contain it.

  I answered this question both ways.

My first shift driving an ambulance alone ( EMT 3 years but always teched) 

The previous crew had generic Christmas music, 🌲I changed it to the classic rock station. 👩‍🎤 

One call got odd when the patient in the back scramed "What the heck you playing girl ⁉️" 

The songs included on her trip -- 🚑 

Highway to hell, It's the time of your life, high hopes, last resort, free falling, It's the end of the world -- as we know it. 

I guess the patient in the back didn't appreciate the DJ of the rock stations song selection -- I thought it was cool. 🌬️ 

I changed the channel anything for patient comfort but after her the rock music went back on. 😇

Hand disphora is real, I think on some level it hits deeply that certain hands look and feel masculine or feminine. 

When I was younger I once was forced by my mom to do a hand model ad ick. 

I have long fingers but dainty hands visually it makes me uncomfortable.  Since I work as an EMT I need gloves all the time. 

The standard sizes you will see most locations is small, medium, large, and extra large. 

Some brands I can put on the mediums and they might have a little slack but mostly fit but other brands are just way to loose to give me a safe grip and seal so I have to chuck those and put on small gloves. 

I never know what my ambulance nursing home or hospital is going to have and the act of having to do that is such a reminder of my hands not being as big as I'd like.

  Almost every time I have a moment where it's like ugh 😩 why do I have small hands as I throw out medium gloves. 

When I'm punching through boards or helping to lift 300 pound plus people up multiple flights of stairs my hands feel powerful. 

Yet when I have to put on the smallest gloves in the hospital after throwing out the mediums it just causes a little shiver.

Not to mention people are expecting me to get to work and it feels like they are staring at me puzzled.

  As if in their heads saying you don't know your glove size? 

I would expect that after all these years I'd be over it but it does make me self conscious.

A recent study reports

"Those who experience adverse childhood experiences may engage in the pursuit of muscularity to compensate for experiences where they once felt inferior, small, and at risk, as well as to protect against future victimization,"

I never been that worried about muscles but I have shown an obsession with martial arts, been studying since 7 have two black belts go ji and kempo a brown belt Japanese jujutsu two green belts judo and itf taekwondo.

The start was as an abused child I never wanted to be in the position where someone could hurt me again and I'd be defensless. I didn't associate muscles with protection from victimisation but having combative martial arts skills.

I rarely have had cause to use them outside of the dojo/ dojang but there have been moments. Did the amount of effort I put into being able to knock out grown men equal a worthy allocation of time. I think yes but I am sure others would disagree.

CW: self abuse, gender dysphoria 

I have not once but twice had to go to the hospital over self abuse. One was when I attempted to burn my cliterous off because it bothered me. Well ends up once I got through the hood I passed out. 

The only signs it ever happened besides my memories is I have a scar going through the hood making a hole. 

The second time is anytime I had any sexual desires I would use painful stimulation to associate pain and discomfort with sexual stimulation.

I would bite the inside of my mouth often until it bleed and that killed the mood for me. 

Yet the many times I did it over the years created such thick scar tissue in my mouth that it was like having massive rock hard stones.

In 2019 it got so bad that I could barely eat properly and I had to have a surgery where they cut the inside of my mouth and removed the scar tissue.

  Why did I do this?  I think the main contributing factors were: hating the fact I was female bodied. I never wanted to have an Intersex condition that caused me to develop female internals. My family made me feel really horrible for not responding to treatments to encourage masculine development. Mixed with intense feelings of Catholic bullshit around sex and arousal I used to very much believe that I shouldn't have sex with anyone until I married them and such and felt those desires were not helpful in me achiving my goals so I tried to disapline myself. 

Lastly and perhaps most of all even though in most aspects of my life I am a pretty in control dominant type who usually handles things. Sex is the one area where not only I am often nervous but not confident. So if something scares you and feels weird it makes sense to try and avoid it.

  Now after being in a relationship for the first time in forever if anything things have gotten less negative but I still have issues. 

I have come to a truce with my body I genuinely enjoy having my body. I haven't abused it in roughly 2 years when I made a promise to a friend I'd stop. 

I might have a lower sex drive compared to most but when I love someone I can express myself sexually like most people. 

Yet this has created tension between me and my girlfriend because there have been times I was interested and she wasn't. That's a new issue for me since in past relationships I was so not interested they usually would beg me to show them attention.

  Its not quite a shoe on the other foot though since I just generally have been starting to just think of my girlfriend not as a sexual relationship anymore.

I don't think sexual love is that meaningful at least I never had that in my life. So to me it's been like oh we're not having sex anymore ok and I'm ready to move on sexually. 

I think the thing that surpised me the most was how much I enjoyed getting ravished by my girlfriend. I never before trusted someone enough or was willing to let someone top me. Having been abused and uncomfortable in my body sorta explains it. 

Yet one of the first times she was with me she rolled me over choked me into my pillow face down ass up and spread my legs. If you could have asked me what I'd enjoy sexually the idea of being dominated like that would have been the farthest thing from my mind.

  I had always been a switch as far as BDSM goes but I didn't know that sexually I had any interest in being taken like that. 

I think for me it was the obvious passion from my partner the way she slowly built the moment until she had me at peak receptiveness and knowing I was curious she went for it.  It definitely gave me some new things to consider about sex my body my identity. 

There are days I wish I didn't know more about myself like ok fine so my body enjoys sex with someone I love how did that help me in any meaningful way?  Additionally as much as I rejected in the past having a female body it gives me pleasure sexually and makes it idiotic to ignore going forward. 

The saying when life gives you lemons comes to mind. Did I want a female body no but as far as bodies go this is the one I have and as such I shouldn't hate it for being itself.

  I think probably the weirdest thought was most my life I wished I was male. (Note due to my Intersex condition I can't respond to testosterone so I was locked into typical female body development.)  Only recently I reflected and if I had a wish it would be to not have been so hard on myself for having the body I do my negativity about it only made my life worse.

It is bizarre that the obvious needs to stated but just because you think certain things are over stated in the public that doesn't mean it isn't a real condition.

I have ADHD anyone who knows me has witnessed signs from the eager way I approach people to my generally high energy all the time and the fact I often can throw myself into something to only be distracted by the slightest redirection.

Because of this I have been given scripts that I am supposed to use to help manage when it gets out of hand.

Yet even with all this knowledge and me being very transparent about having this condition it often gets disrespected.

ADHD was triggered in my youth in part because of invasive operations done on me in my infacy since general anesthesia has been shown to trigger it in youth.

Yet I still get people judging me, mocking me, and saying discriminatory comments like ADHD isn't real, it's an excuse to do drugs, You're just a flaky fuck up.

Yet that's one side of the negatives I also get the flip negatives.

You'd be surprised at how many people mock my "supposed" intelligence, I had coworkers call me a clown to my face simply because I try to make work fun in healthcare by doing magic tricks and juggling for kids to cheer them up ( if anything I'm a magician get your derision of me correct. 😮‍💨)

People also think it's inventive to say "what drugs are you on?" Or I'll have some what shes on, or lay off the coffee geez, yet in reality this is me on medication that makes me feel tried and exhausted but my innate hyperness keeps me wired.

Yet with all the mocking for my positivity and desire to bring joy and fun with my energy I guess it's a backhanded compliment. Since most people are miserable and grumpy so someone who's high spirited naturally makes people hate me.

You know back when I worked as a dealer in a casino I sometimes had patrons complaining that I was too loud 📢.

If you ever been to a casino it blasts music with endless slots machines making all manner of chaos, tvs blasting random sports and other shows not to mention who knows how many conversations ongoing simultaneously.

But somehow it was me who created the noise problem.

I am tried of apologizing for having ADHD some of my first memories were my grandmother trying to hold my shaking legs and slapping me across the face screaming at me to stop fidgeting.

ADHD has real world costs heck I forgot to put in the paper work for my degree this semester. So now I have to wait till next one. People should be more understanding that just because someone is hyper and tries to be lighthearted and happy that doesn't mean it's your job to try and crush there spirit because you're miserable.