Ice Girl's public thoughts.

When 911 gets backed up, or I assume in cases like today (short staffed) sometimes they farm out calls to companies with contacts. 

Right now not only was my company picked I was selected of whos on staff to run it.  

911 runs causes so much more paperwork and I was supposed to get off of work in the next 30 minutes. Now this is going to lock me in at least another two hours and that's if the emergency department takes the patient right away.

  My aunt is visiting from New York so it's such a bad time for this. 

I gotta get my head in the game and treat this patient with the respect dignity and expertise I bring to the table for everyone else -- even if it is an inconvenient time to be chosen for such a task.  

Venting real world EMT problems.

Happy holidays to everyone else. I got to save a life for Xmas ?

About three years ago I got seriously into martial arts regiment training again, at one point I slipped during running. 

Less heavy me (175 pounds) on such a slip could easily do a flip when losing balance like that to regain my balance. 

Yet me at the time 270 pounds ( 220 now) was just too heavy and I slipped and literally broke my tailbone after not sticking the front flip. 

What caused me to have tears in my eyes wasn't the pain and embarrassment of breaking my tailbone infront of the class. 

It was being an EMT and knowing women are 7 times more likely to have a broken tail bone due to the wider hips which protects it less, additionally if a male does break a tailbone it usually accompanies the hips themselves being shattered. (My hips were fine) 

This is just one of those differences, and it hurt to be reminded of when my doctors first told me I was a female bodied. 

Note I am Intersex and my family originally tried to raise me male. 

The doctors sat me down and said you know you're female right. 

I was like I present more female but I'm not female I am just not that masculine. 

They looked nervous like they were about to give me a death sentence and reiterated no you're female because with the condition you have you will never be able to masculinize and you have female internals. 

I was stunned, I mean how many other people does this happen to around puberty? 

It's not a normal experience -- it's not something you can prepare for or have others explain what to think about it, or feel about it. 

When my body so glaringly reminds me of the situation like breaking my tailbone it can emotionally resonate. 

I used to never talk about these feelings historically because mentioning it actually opens up one to bigotry and ridicule. 

Let's be frank most people don't care about intersex, trans, or non binary issues. 

I share because I think it's important to not be ashamed, raise awareness of the situation, and let others know who maybe can't speak or are too nervous they are not alone. 

Darkness fades when exposed to light.

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

I cry here silently

Aching

Wondering

What could be so wrong with me To earn your ire 

A simple request Make any behest 

An unbreakable commandment Shall drive me true 

Yet I do not get the mercy,

Of even a hint on what to do 

How could anything you want not be enough 

The harder I try the colder it feels 

Alone I pray 

Your harsh way - is that all I can ever expect of you. 

I would do anything you request 

Yet the more I say these words your agitation grows 

My nature is known to you Yet it seems you sneer at me before you. 

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

Too strong to break all it does is ache

Please find a way to love me

I'd literally do anything for you.

I am sitting here as I am trying to get to sleep with objectives I want to achieve soon and yet I worry that I will fail.  Later today I am visiting my girlfriend and I hope to cheer her up but often despite my best efforts I don't feel like my presence made any difference.

  I have the only relative in my life who is still worth it and my best friend visiting from New York for xmas and I want them to have an amazing time.

I spent a lot of money on gifts, and food to prepare I know they would like. 

Even today for my best friend he mentioned he was gonna bring instant coffee down and I was like oh thats not great what's your favorite coffee.  And he mentioned Ethiopian Yirgacheffe so i had to solve the coffee problem and studied how to use a steam press process while practicing it and spending way to much money on coffee that will now serve no purpose until the next time he visits. 

Just because the thought of making him happy means so much. What's money to me if I can make hin happy burn it all. 

My aunt asked me if I wanted tickets to go to a football game to go with her and I was almost in tears because...

I don't want to go to a game I just am so happy to see her it's been almost 8 months and me and her have had some real tension this year because she's kinda an idiot at times.  What comes to my mind is this line from one of my favorite songs. 

Life is so unnerving For a servant who's not serving He's not whole without a soul to wait upon. 

My girlfriend gets annoyed at me because she says I should have intrinsic value and not look for approval so much or want to please people as much as I do but it's a part of me. 

I know this is a direct result of being an orphan I want so much to be loved. I would gladly suffer to make someone I remotely care about even a fraction happier. 

When people don't give me tasks to do or to be useful some way I kinda don't trust it. Like what do you want me to do just hang out with you not cook clean entertain or do your work or tutor you. How can I be of service?

I will never forget not that long ago one of my so called good friends at school together with me for like 8 months in a program together I tutored them, did all there homework but made sure to go over it with them so they could be ready for tests.

Often brought food and snacks to study secessions to keep them engaged, and of course was unbelievable kind to there family even helping there father with some tasks around the house. 

Yet when they got the qualification they just dropped me like they never even cared.  My girlfriend said that sorta behavior is because of the fact users look for gullible people like me to exploit and that is why she worries so much because I can get easily taken for a ride. 

Yet my view has always been if someone hurts me or takes advantage of me whats the point in being mean back they probably were just that desperate or had their backs against the wall. 

If someone took advantage of me I like to think I at least helped make there life better and ultimately that is my purpose.

  I try to be a tad better about now so as not to keep upsetting people who care about me or make them worried. 

My default view is I am the type of person I wish the world had more of. 

The fact people hurt me or take advantage of me in some way thats a them problem. 

Don't we want a world with more people who assume the good in people put others first try their hardest to be in service to others and make them happy healthier.

I will never understand the people who just catch a random picture or one post out of context and assume I am a submissive.

  Don't come out of the nothingness to sexually objectify me it is the surest way to never have access to me. 

I am a above all sexually a demisexual so unless you have won my utmost respect and admiration I want nothing sexual to do with you. 

Additionally I have never felt an attraction to cis het guys. 

I am more comfortable with people who have been marginalized for their gender and or sex because it gives me a point of relation.  This helps because I don't have to explain much of what I feel. 

As an Intersex gender fluid person with moments of extreme gender dysphoria I don't think most people who haven't felt that on some level can understand.  Believe me I am doing cis het men a favor by not showing a sexual or kink interest in them because we are as far from compatible as any two people can be. 

As for the submissive point I am a switch but that doesn't mean I will sub for anyone. 

More then switch I really am simply a service oriented person who aims to please. 

If I care about someone or a person who earnestly wants my attention I will be glad to play with them if I deem them as trustworthy.

  If they want me to run needles in their body, beat them till they scream, or sensually play with their body with my fire or massage kits these are just some of the ways I dom others. 

Yet for the truly special, the kind of person that I find enjoyable and fully trustworthy I might kneel before you and plead for you to share your joy with me. 

But if I didn't ask or show an interest odds are I'm not into you playing with me. 

Note I don't find BDSM sexual in and of itself.

For me kink doesn't mean sex unless you are my partner and that is an expressed part of the dynamic. 

This shouldn't be difficult to understand. 

The overall dynamic I am most likely to bottom for is rope.  I have a novice skill set in rope so I can't do it myself yet and those who are really notable to me I am quite happy to let them tie me up drag me in a harness hog tie me suspend me it's such a joy. 

I am confident enough to admit fully I'm a rope bunny ? aint nothing to it (shaking cotton tail.)  But does that mean I want every individual who ever tied a knot to tie me up? 

Of course not, if I haven't shown an interest in your skills then generally it's safe to assume I have decided we wouldn't be a good fit or I don't know you well enough to feel comfortable with you. 

If you wanna know how to get my positive attention?  Get to know me as a person. It's not a pickup line, a photo, or some bragging that gets my interest. 

Be a genuine person who has interesting things to say that make my heart feel incomplete without your presence in my life. 

In my opinion that's kinky.

 As an Italian super taster loving appreciating and creating food that is a reflection of emotions means the world to me. 

Many people in my life that are special I have gone out of my way to make a dish that is a reflection of that moment as a way to capture that essence and share it. 

An example is I make a tremendous jerk chicken and curry goat. 

This is a reflection of my first girlfriend who was a Jamaican Dipomat advisors daughter and I spent 3 summers in a row living in Jamaica. 

Because so many people would rave about it my grandma asked me to make it for her and even though I told her she wouldn't like it her insisting made me and she complained how spicy and tart it was ( chicken washed in vinger rubbed in jerk spices)

  She asked me if I could tone down the spice. 

I said absolutely not! It has to be made authentically or not at all. Whenever I make that dish it reminds me of that special someone and my Jamaican friends. 

I now have a new dish on my list Latkes!  The first time I made latkes was last week I had never heard of the dish.  Eventhough I grew up with relatives who made them and probably at times had them, my brain probably just thought of them as odd tasting hasbrowns.

  Me and my girlfriend had went to a place that apparently specializes in that type of food since 1933! 

So I figured I was about to have my mind blown and yet it tasted like luke warm sorta bland potatoes. ?  She stated they tasted like they were just taken outta of a premade freezer, fried and just reheated. 

The lameness of something I was looking forward to made me say as I live and breath I must make a better version. ?  So I spent hours wathcing food videos reading recipes -- while my girlfriend was sleeping.

Then I did mental visualizations of the layering of the ingredients and concept fusing multiple recipes into the version I think would taste best. 

So last Thursday was the first time i tried it and oh boy was there fun involved -- didn't know it was gonna have blood play!?‍? 

When I was shaving the potatoes the first time the slicer slipped and I shaved a sliver of my finger off! 

I had to then wrap my hand in a bandage and make them with one hand so as to not contaminate the food with my blood.  I also didn't have enough eggs at first for the amount of potatoes. 

so I had to ask my girlfriend to crack eggs for me as i tried to mix them with one hand it was a disaster.?

  The first one attempted exploded into three parts because I didn't cook it long enough before flipping. 

Also I tried to cook them in a wok which wasn't the best choice. 

Yet even with all that set back latkes had promise. 

Today my second attempt were absolutely delicious.  Without cutting part of my finger off, swaping breadcrumbs for panko bread crumbs, getting more water out of em in better wringing technique, adding a tiny bit more onion, adding more salt, and cooking them in a cast iron skillet-- oh my gosh everyone went nuts. 

I can't believe in less then 4 days of trying to master a dish I can safely say my latkes crush the ones that I had a restaurant known for them. 

One of the reasons I love cooking is like any Italian I believe food is one of the most important experiences in life. 

Every time I make latkes it is now linked to the woman who introduced them to me. 

People often joke and say the secret ingredient in food is love. I will be far more descriptive the secret ingredient is taking pride in what you do and caring about the final product. 

For some it's love that drives them, for me its to honor my heritage, my drive to excel at what I do, and my genuine joy in bringing happiness to others. 

Good food can put a smile on almost anyones face and being able to do that is a gift to everyone.

I usually live with my girlfriend on weekends. But this time I spent a week with her and it was better than I expected.

Usually when we spent extended time together it was visiting her family and had lots of driving or stress but this was the normal environment.

On the last day I made her fresh waffles and dinner from scratch.

Well sorta, it was a waffle batter but it came out really tasty I sprinkled some large salt crystals in the waffle batter, when you take a bite sometimes it just hit with this random pow of flavor I was really impressed ?.

She likes salty things so I figured it couldn't hurt it.

Now I have to get back to other obligations, and am not able to see her for abit.

I know that's gonna be hard on her.

I have bitched quite often when I'm upset but how often do people praise when it goes well?

I wasn't looking for a girlfriend when she sorta pressed the issue but now that she's in my life -- it is nice that she's around.

There are lots of unknowns such as when I get into medical school will it be too far and cause a natural break up.

I know she's worried about that but would never want to get in my educations way.

Dear Professor, 

I gained enough skill to be paid to do public magic shows and play instruments for entertainment; I played in Carnegie Hall and was a competitive pro at multiple games.

I couldn't do that if I wasn't open to seeing my mistakes and using them to keep enhancing my skills.

I personally believe talent is overrated. You can have all the talent in the world, yet without hard work and endless commitment, you are just like everyone else. 

The deeper question is, why do I have this obsession to push myself to near perfection when other people seem perfectly ok with coming in second or phoning in half-backed work? 

It is pathological from being an orphan without family I sought praise from being the best at things. From the first time I stood in front of a group of people to read my poetry as a 7-year-old and had people captivated by my talents, the praise, the applause, the recognition, it was there as a shallow plug for my inner void where most people had the safety blanket of love and family.

I just have my goals. 

Thus where, as most people going to a class it is a means to an end. I am suffering to be the greatest at everything I do. My talent is the only thing that matters; as I live and breathe, I have one thing left to achieve: be the greatest me ever, which means it doesn't matter if I am sick and tired, if I got no sleep for seven days straight, doesn't matter if I study till I cry, because at the end I have another A to add to my collection.

Another moment where I knew I did the best I could and that for one more moment, I proved to myself and someone judging me that my self-abuse of overwork was worth it because I impressed yet another person. 

(name removed for the internet) , no one cares who I am or what I have to say. If they did, it would already be outlawed to have non-consenting genital mutilation on intersex children.

The treatment of orphans and poor children with talent but no support would be something our country better accounted for.

I had genius level tests in grade school when being tested for accommodations, yet did anyone care I grew up underprivileged, and when other students got to focus on college, I had to pull shifts at a local laundry mat and cleaning company of which both fired me for trying to teach the Spanish workers English and talking to them about labor rights in the state of New York as I would often go to sleep hungry and unloved.

  If the deep reflection and honest answer of who I am is not the answer you seek a reflection for and what I think of the feedback here is a more typical answer to the question you asked. 

Most of the students gave quite superficial feedback that had very little that was actionable. For the first speech, the main issue they had was my ADHD movement and need to move, so I addressed that by sitting for the following two speeches.

The second speeches main criticism were the lighting the poor biography and a weak ending.

As I noticed everything that was mentioned, I incorporated it to make the final presentation better. Was it perfect ? Actually, as mentioned, I still needed to get used to using citations in the manner it was for this class, so if I could do it again, would it be better?

Of course. Additionally I feel although I had a dynamic tone it was off putting to some students I think if I dialed it back 10 % it would have been just as impactful yet maybe reached more people? 

It's hard to say because the topic is so important to me. The inflections are me harnessing my emotional truth, and when speaking from the heart, I was already working so hard to contain it.

  I answered this question both ways.

My first shift driving an ambulance alone ( EMT 3 years but always teched) 

The previous crew had generic Christmas music, ?I changed it to the classic rock station. ?‍? 

One call got odd when the patient in the back scramed "What the heck you playing girl ⁉️" 

The songs included on her trip -- ? 

Highway to hell, It's the time of your life, high hopes, last resort, free falling, It's the end of the world -- as we know it. 

I guess the patient in the back didn't appreciate the DJ of the rock stations song selection -- I thought it was cool. ?️ 

I changed the channel anything for patient comfort but after her the rock music went back on. ?

Hand disphora is real, I think on some level it hits deeply that certain hands look and feel masculine or feminine. 

When I was younger I once was forced by my mom to do a hand model ad ick. 

I have long fingers but dainty hands visually it makes me uncomfortable.  Since I work as an EMT I need gloves all the time. 

The standard sizes you will see most locations is small, medium, large, and extra large. 

Some brands I can put on the mediums and they might have a little slack but mostly fit but other brands are just way to loose to give me a safe grip and seal so I have to chuck those and put on small gloves. 

I never know what my ambulance nursing home or hospital is going to have and the act of having to do that is such a reminder of my hands not being as big as I'd like.

  Almost every time I have a moment where it's like ugh ? why do I have small hands as I throw out medium gloves. 

When I'm punching through boards or helping to lift 300 pound plus people up multiple flights of stairs my hands feel powerful. 

Yet when I have to put on the smallest gloves in the hospital after throwing out the mediums it just causes a little shiver.

Not to mention people are expecting me to get to work and it feels like they are staring at me puzzled.

  As if in their heads saying you don't know your glove size? 

I would expect that after all these years I'd be over it but it does make me self conscious.