Ice Girl's public thoughts.

A recent study reports

"Those who experience adverse childhood experiences may engage in the pursuit of muscularity to compensate for experiences where they once felt inferior, small, and at risk, as well as to protect against future victimization,"

I never been that worried about muscles but I have shown an obsession with martial arts, been studying since 7 have two black belts go ji and kempo a brown belt Japanese jujutsu two green belts judo and itf taekwondo.

The start was as an abused child I never wanted to be in the position where someone could hurt me again and I'd be defensless. I didn't associate muscles with protection from victimisation but having combative martial arts skills.

I rarely have had cause to use them outside of the dojo/ dojang but there have been moments. Did the amount of effort I put into being able to knock out grown men equal a worthy allocation of time. I think yes but I am sure others would disagree.

CW: self abuse, gender dysphoria 

I have not once but twice had to go to the hospital over self abuse. One was when I attempted to burn my cliterous off because it bothered me. Well ends up once I got through the hood I passed out. 

The only signs it ever happened besides my memories is I have a scar going through the hood making a hole. 

The second time is anytime I had any sexual desires I would use painful stimulation to associate pain and discomfort with sexual stimulation.

I would bite the inside of my mouth often until it bleed and that killed the mood for me. 

Yet the many times I did it over the years created such thick scar tissue in my mouth that it was like having massive rock hard stones.

In 2019 it got so bad that I could barely eat properly and I had to have a surgery where they cut the inside of my mouth and removed the scar tissue.

  Why did I do this?  I think the main contributing factors were: hating the fact I was female bodied. I never wanted to have an Intersex condition that caused me to develop female internals. My family made me feel really horrible for not responding to treatments to encourage masculine development. Mixed with intense feelings of Catholic bullshit around sex and arousal I used to very much believe that I shouldn't have sex with anyone until I married them and such and felt those desires were not helpful in me achiving my goals so I tried to disapline myself. 

Lastly and perhaps most of all even though in most aspects of my life I am a pretty in control dominant type who usually handles things. Sex is the one area where not only I am often nervous but not confident. So if something scares you and feels weird it makes sense to try and avoid it.

  Now after being in a relationship for the first time in forever if anything things have gotten less negative but I still have issues. 

I have come to a truce with my body I genuinely enjoy having my body. I haven't abused it in roughly 2 years when I made a promise to a friend I'd stop. 

I might have a lower sex drive compared to most but when I love someone I can express myself sexually like most people. 

Yet this has created tension between me and my girlfriend because there have been times I was interested and she wasn't. That's a new issue for me since in past relationships I was so not interested they usually would beg me to show them attention.

  Its not quite a shoe on the other foot though since I just generally have been starting to just think of my girlfriend not as a sexual relationship anymore.

I don't think sexual love is that meaningful at least I never had that in my life. So to me it's been like oh we're not having sex anymore ok and I'm ready to move on sexually. 

I think the thing that surpised me the most was how much I enjoyed getting ravished by my girlfriend. I never before trusted someone enough or was willing to let someone top me. Having been abused and uncomfortable in my body sorta explains it. 

Yet one of the first times she was with me she rolled me over choked me into my pillow face down ass up and spread my legs. If you could have asked me what I'd enjoy sexually the idea of being dominated like that would have been the farthest thing from my mind.

  I had always been a switch as far as BDSM goes but I didn't know that sexually I had any interest in being taken like that. 

I think for me it was the obvious passion from my partner the way she slowly built the moment until she had me at peak receptiveness and knowing I was curious she went for it.  It definitely gave me some new things to consider about sex my body my identity. 

There are days I wish I didn't know more about myself like ok fine so my body enjoys sex with someone I love how did that help me in any meaningful way?  Additionally as much as I rejected in the past having a female body it gives me pleasure sexually and makes it idiotic to ignore going forward. 

The saying when life gives you lemons comes to mind. Did I want a female body no but as far as bodies go this is the one I have and as such I shouldn't hate it for being itself.

  I think probably the weirdest thought was most my life I wished I was male. (Note due to my Intersex condition I can't respond to testosterone so I was locked into typical female body development.)  Only recently I reflected and if I had a wish it would be to not have been so hard on myself for having the body I do my negativity about it only made my life worse.

It is bizarre that the obvious needs to stated but just because you think certain things are over stated in the public that doesn't mean it isn't a real condition.

I have ADHD anyone who knows me has witnessed signs from the eager way I approach people to my generally high energy all the time and the fact I often can throw myself into something to only be distracted by the slightest redirection.

Because of this I have been given scripts that I am supposed to use to help manage when it gets out of hand.

Yet even with all this knowledge and me being very transparent about having this condition it often gets disrespected.

ADHD was triggered in my youth in part because of invasive operations done on me in my infacy since general anesthesia has been shown to trigger it in youth.

Yet I still get people judging me, mocking me, and saying discriminatory comments like ADHD isn't real, it's an excuse to do drugs, You're just a flaky fuck up.

Yet that's one side of the negatives I also get the flip negatives.

You'd be surprised at how many people mock my "supposed" intelligence, I had coworkers call me a clown to my face simply because I try to make work fun in healthcare by doing magic tricks and juggling for kids to cheer them up ( if anything I'm a magician get your derision of me correct. ?‍?)

People also think it's inventive to say "what drugs are you on?" Or I'll have some what shes on, or lay off the coffee geez, yet in reality this is me on medication that makes me feel tried and exhausted but my innate hyperness keeps me wired.

Yet with all the mocking for my positivity and desire to bring joy and fun with my energy I guess it's a backhanded compliment. Since most people are miserable and grumpy so someone who's high spirited naturally makes people hate me.

You know back when I worked as a dealer in a casino I sometimes had patrons complaining that I was too loud ?.

If you ever been to a casino it blasts music with endless slots machines making all manner of chaos, tvs blasting random sports and other shows not to mention who knows how many conversations ongoing simultaneously.

But somehow it was me who created the noise problem.

I am tried of apologizing for having ADHD some of my first memories were my grandmother trying to hold my shaking legs and slapping me across the face screaming at me to stop fidgeting.

ADHD has real world costs heck I forgot to put in the paper work for my degree this semester. So now I have to wait till next one. People should be more understanding that just because someone is hyper and tries to be lighthearted and happy that doesn't mean it's your job to try and crush there spirit because you're miserable.

Support the Trevor Project as a Counselor

Specific Purpose: To persuade my audience to become counselors for the Trevor Project regularly. 

Central Idea: LGBTIQ youth have a suicide epidemic. Action is necessary, and having someone to talk to has been shown to reduce rates of self-harm and depression. The Trevor Project, with its ability to connect at-risk youth with counselors, provides a path towards being part of the solution.

INTRODUCTION

Attention Getter: A grim fact: suicide is one of the leading causes of death in America. According to the NIH, 4.8% of adults age 18 and older had serious thoughts about suicide in 2021. Meanwhile, in that same period, as reported by USA Today, a staggering 45% of LGBTIQ youth considered attempting suicide.

Credibility Statement: As an LGBTIQ individual who works in advocacy and helps mod discussion forums and counsel queer youth, I have a true passion for this work and am aware of the need.

Preview: There is a uniquely disproportionate amount of suicide ideation among LGBTIQ youth. These problems are pervasive families and society can contribute. One offering of the Trevor Project is the ability to reach an individual is putting them in contact who is cleared to communicate with gay youth. It has been reported on the Project’s website that interaction can reduce suicide attempts by 40%. The Project responds to calls, chats, and texts. I seek to persuade others to become counselors, which will directly assist the Project’s mission of tackling the problem of suicidal ideation among LGBTIQ youth.

Transition to body: Understanding that LGBTIQ individuals have a significantly higher rate of suicide ideation as compared to the general population.

BODY I. A disproportionate amount of LGBTIQ youth consider and attempt suicide as compared to the general population. People should care because, with such a high rate of suicide ideation and suicide attempts, many individuals’ lives are needlessly harmed. 

A. Many LGBTIQ youth face struggles when living with a family that does not accept their queer identity, McDaid and O’Connor state in the journal Social Science & Medicine. They need to find ways to express this side of themselves, yet at the same time sufficiently conceal it, or even outright hide it, so as to minimize conflict. 

Neighmond points out in the NPR article “Home but not safe, some LGBTQ young people face rejection from families in lockdown,” conflicts were exacerbated for many during the pandemic lockdown when, after finding freedom to express themselves while living in college dorms, they had to return home for extended periods and not all relatives were accepting. 

B. When influential forces in society brand LGBTIQ people as different and objectionable, in contrast to desired norms of gender conformity, suicidal ideations and attempts can be a response to the resultant stigma and oppression, according to McDaid and O’Connor in the journal Social Science & Medicine.

C. The World Health Organization reports that suicide is the second leading cause of death among 15- to 29-year-olds. The National Institutes of Health stated that “4.8% of adults aged 18 and older in the United States had serious thoughts about suicide in 2021.” That is one in every twenty adults. At the same time, 2.7% of young adults, age 18 to 25 years, actually attempted suicide – the highest percentage for any age group.  The statistics rise dramatically, however, when looking at LGBTIQ teens. In February, USA Today, citing a CDC study, reported persistent feelings of sadness in 69% of teens, with 45% having considered attempting suicide. Further, 37% said they had planned how to commit suicide and 22% said they had in fact attempted suicide. 

Transition to Main Point II: Acknowledging LGBTIQ youth have a mental health epidemic, it is important to support organizations that seek to combat this trend.

II. Actively supporting LGBTIQ youth reduces rates of suicidal ideation and suicide.

A. The Trevor Project has already built the network and awareness in the population to help this need. The Project is a major provider of crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTIQ youth. The website is available with information and support any time of the day.

B. Charity Watch, an independent evaluator of nonprofit organizations, has assigned the Trevor Project an A- rating, making it a top-rated charity. It reports that the Trevor Project uses more than 76% of its finances for direct help to clients in its mission and beats the benchmarks for good governance and transparency.

C. The Trevor Project website communicates the process for people to onboard as available counselors. It also notes that it has a large need for volunteers in the chat/text digital program as the communication service of choice for most youth.

D. The Trevor Project website notes, “Acceptance from at least one adult can decrease the risk of LGBTQ youth attempting suicide by 40%.” According to the site, volunteers have answered more than 200,000 calls, chats, and texts during the past year. 

CONCLUSION Transition to Conclusion:  After having established that there is a unique mental health strain on the LGBTIQ community’s youth, moral individuals naturally would want to assist. 

Summary: The Trevor Project is one organization already focused on the task of suicide prevention and mental health wellness for LGBTIQ youth. The Trevor Project estimates more than 1.8 million LGBTIQ youth are seriously considering suicide this year. Through crisis services and peer support as a counselor, you can directly combat this atrocious situation. It is easy to get involved. All that is required: a passion for supporting LGBTIQ youth, being 18 years old, located in the United States, and committing some time every week. Currently their greatest need is for volunteers willing to man the chat/text/digital program, because the youth are more likely to reach out digitally than through legacy methods, such as phone and email.

Works Cited: 

For young LGBTQ LIVES. The Trevor Project. (2023, November 20).

Marzetti, H., McDaid, L., & O’Connor, R. (2022). “Am I really alive?”: Understanding the role of homophobia, Biphobia and transphobia in young LGBT+ People’s suicidal distress. Social Science & Medicine, 298, 114860.

Neighmond, P. (2020, May 17). Home but not safe, some LGBTQ young people face rejection from families in lockdown. NPR.

Petras, G., Loehrke, J., & Bravo, V. (2023, February 24). Girls, LGBQ+ Teens at higher risk for depression, CDC Mental Health Report says. USA Today.  Suicide.

World Health Organization. (2023, August 28).

Trevor Project. CharityWatch. (n.d.).

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Suicide. National Institute of Mental Health.

Live a good life.

If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.

If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

Marcus Aurelius

Day 21

Like many people I traveled yesterday,my girlfriend convinced me to come visit her family.

Today I kinda wish I was working I could be saving lives instead I am trying to make her and her family happier  I live to make things better for others.

Yet in reality that isn't something I seem to be able to achieve on a personal level not to mention can't I do more good on an ambulance then helping someone cook a turkey?

Born crying no comfort

Left for months to rot

Taken only for fiduciary gain

Treated worse than a prisoner  

Starved, malnourished, abused

Soul broken I serve

Yet my service diminished

As not a greatful word heard 

The social delusion of 

Norman Rockwell jubilee

Was always forbidden from me

How could one buy in as an orphan 

Hell isn't fire and brimstone

Its the cold unfeeling world

When when I die 

Not a tear shall fall 

Walk over my body

Don't bother averting your gaze 

Ashes my only value 

Since my words and deeds 

have no weight

I longlying await my last gasp

Unafraid of eternity

 Day 19

  If karma was real you think the highest level one could achieve is saving people's lives right.

In supporting families through difficult times and ensuring someone's health is preserved. 

This is partially why jobs like doctors nurses and medics are so well regarded. My grandma used to always bake cookies around this time of year and bring them to all her doctors at there appointments. If she was having a long stay at a hospital me and the family would often order pizza or Chinese and have it brought to the unit.

Anything to lift the moral of the people who are doing the hard work of keeping the people we love taken care of. 

Yet between being an EMT and medical assistant I have worked going on 3 years and overall all the good I have done lives I have saved yet what has become of all that good I put out into the world on my cosmic balance nothing.

  I generally have two core dreams a world that treats the LGBT community as equals and one day having a family I think its ingrained in every orphan from a disfunctional family. 

Well in both cases it seems things have only gotten worse currently in the country I live there is actively 814 peices of anti gay legislation.

Additionally in my most personal situation being Intersex in many states have now been reclassified as a developmental disability. The reason is as they have passed anti trans laws they have often made carve outs for intersex people. Mind you this wasn't to treat Intersex individuals better for example in Texas where they have now banned trans youth care they added this so that they can continue to treat Intersex individuals at the desire of the parents. 

Note when trans kids often want treatment the majority of intersex individuals like myself wish we had less intervention as a child so this law has ensured no one is getting what they want. Why has such a thing happened in part because they want to maximize cisgender heteronormativity.

  I know that my highschool knew I got assaulted in the boys locker room from having breasts but did the solution have to be to forced placement in the female locker room. Maybe I don't know instruct the boys not to harass the intersex student?

My body wasn't the issue it was a society that allowed for people not only to engage in such behavior but blamed my body for my mistreatment not others.

  So as the LGBT community is losing across the board what of my other main goal having a family one day. Well the first person I have tried to date in 8 years reminded me why I had given up for so long. Things that I would hope for making them happier taking care of them supporting there dreams

. Doesn't seem to be making them any happier.  It hurts me really to my core when I can't help people or make there lives better. I think this innate instinct goes back to when I was a child trying to make my mom proud of me or happy with me and she just didn't give a crap. Making her food taking care of the household getting great grades even winning awards for my art none of it made her happy.

Yet even the slightest transgression and Id get beaten locked in my room or just verbally abused as not good enough.  I plan to one day write a book about my life and yeah of course the publisher gets a say in the sub head my idea was always the child not even a mother could love. 

That's what my mom used to terrorize me with when I would get really upset and say she should give me up for adoption because then maybe someone could love me. She would say look at you you're the child not even a mother could love you think anyone would treat you any better? 

My brain at the time was like well look at the situation most peoples mothers love them there is so many stories of how bad it is for foster kids maybe this is the best it could ever be. 

So it was built in to try and always win the favor and approval of those I love yet I fail so often to make a dent in the situation I kinda just said why bother.  Well I tried again it isn't going any better then the last attempts. 

This is why I can confidently say karma doesn't exist. With all the good I do for others daily all the families that have been greatful and said they would pray for me hell the nicest person I treated even nit me a hat I wear on occasion. 

Yet the two things that would make me happiest in this world better treatment for the LGBTIQQAA community specifically intersex and one day falling in love with someone and having some sort of stable family like I always wished for. 

Neither have improved, its a good thing I do what I do not for karmic reasons but because I believe that the best use of my actions is taking care of people.

As sad as I can be as unfair the world feels at times I am always excited to go to work and make a difference in peoples lives.

  I am probably going to turn into a work acholic soon what's the point of doing anything that isn't helping people because I mean my personal life doesn't really exist and politically it seems like the United States hasn't been getting any better. 

So I might as well give up my personal dreams.

Day 18 

Razer sharp daggers digging in my throat. 

Suspended until I can't take it. 

A Bearhug, lifted as your nails cut into my tender flesh drawing blood. 

Fuck me with an unyielding passion, until I start to go numb.

So I can actually get off for a change.  This is what I enjoy. 

I am a switch.

  If you want my attention as a bottom My preference is rough and intense. 

There are things I don't like for example degradation, humiliation, exctera you call me a slut -- I just want nothing to do with you. I am beneath no one in life. You want my love affection attention -- respect me. 

If you are chosen for my offer of loyalty and trust. Hurt me till I can't resist euphoria.

 Day 17 

I celebrated Hanukkah as a child. Even though I was rasied Catholic and given lots of indoctrination on how Jews betrayed Jesus, Jews can't be trusted and other such religious judgment.

  I always thought that was flase because my half brother is Jewish and I love him. How could I see a poor defenseless baby and eventual best buddy as anything but family. 

Sometimes my brother would crawl into my bed and hug me because he just enjoyed our closeness.

He also fought for us to stay in the same room so eventually they got a pull out cot that they kept under his bed for when I was visiting. 

He was the one bright spot when I would visit my dad until my father lost visitation rights. 

I will never forget one day my brother came home from school crying and I hugged him and asked him what was wrong. 

Turns out the kids were making fun of him for his nose and being Jewish. He wished he was Catholic like me.

I reassured him I didn't want to be Catholic so don't say that.

I also stressed that anyone who says that sorta stuff is someone not worth valuing the opinion of, but if anyone ever lays a hand on you let me know and I will take care of it. 

I miss my brother so much truly the only member of my fathers side of the family I regret losing touch with. 

When I tried to touch base again he was uninterested in getting to know me. The family intentionally kept us apart and said horrible lies about me.

  I miss my half brother dearly. Around December I check when Hanukkah is, force of habbit. 

This year it's starting December 7th. Happy upcoming Hanukkah