Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Waking up early to go to the courthouse and I just wonder if I am to be selected who am I to judge anyone? 

I have some unbelievable bias towards racisits, bigots, female and child abusers because of what I faced in my own life. Could I even hear a case out with such topics or the thought someone did a vile act would I automatically want to see them punished. 

I want to believe I could be non partial but is it ever possible for anyone to be? 

The last time I was on a Jury I was 24 ish and it was for a financial crime. 

I felt that case which went on for months I could be non biased because it was a matter of did said actions lead to fiscal harm to people and does there behavior show that they are aware that they might be engaged in said activity by a change in behavior. 

I just love to help people, I am not sure if juror is a use of my skills. 

I am keenly aware how absurd it is to think I can forgo my point of view. 

I believe everyone has a learned perspective that is a sum of there collective experiences.

  The philosophical ideal that we can divorce ourselves from such things and be truly prudent is admireable.

I am unaware of people who have achieved such earnestly.

  Yet if I didn't think such a task isn't gargantuanly complicated not only would I be ignoring everything I know about the human condition I would be a liar. 

What's worse is as I fret over this responsibility how many other potential jurors will I have to see today unaware of such philosophical concerns. Leading me to question our relationship with the justice system yet again.

If you're profile picture has a dick in it or you want to immediately expose yourself to me I probably have zero interest in you as a play partner or anything else. 

I have it listed I'm a demisexual and I often mention that I prefer women and non binary people. 

Yet insecure cis het men message me now and again and I just don't know what to do to make it more clear. 

I am not nor could I possibly be interested in you.

  I am not anti body positivity and I find the human body quite artistic but that is not why these men expose themselves to me. 

I come onto this sorta platform to share my thoughts express my feelings and yes sometimes connect with people.  I

f I have not already seen your genitals I am not interested in your genitals.

  This is the way of a demisexual.

Faded dreams are tomorrows torments screaming the only solace for enduring breath faded gasps stillness essential for peace?

Tonight on top of the first thing I wrote I had another coworker test me does it look like fuck with me night.? 

I started to write up a long report that I was going to send to the general manager -- my partner is like do you know that person you are complaining against is the general managers sister you can't report her.? 

I am like so you're saying there is nepotism in the company that covers for her and that is why she behaves the way she does I will be sure to note it in my report to management.? 

Magically theres a call between my partner and the dispatcher they both work with me to resolve my issue. No report needed now. ?

  I am too many who know me the kindest almost too sweet of a person but if you want it I hold my ground I fear no one. ? 

Last person to bully me was my father when I kicked his ass and left him bleeding that ended that. ?

For the 7th or 8th time this year I had a female boss at a company I work for complain about my pants. 

Note I been working for this particular company since September, and no one before today had any issue with my pants. 

So the person who hired me a manger today asked a very stupid leading question "didn't I give you pants?" 

I said yes you did but when I was hired you said I could choose to wear my own pants if I preferred. 

To which she replied snarky "they have to be navy or black.'? 

Then I took her pants and matched them to the company shirt showing they are the exact same color trying to show her they are the company colors! ☺️ 

She then got irate and said " the company shirt is royal navy why are you trying to peacock around wear the proper pants your pants need to be dull and drab."? 

I mean how is the excat match of my companies colors not company appropriate? ?‍? 

Also why did it take 4 months to notice or say anything? ? 

This keeps happening because my butt tends to look good in certain pants and insecure women with no butt harass me.

  They feel a need to try and make me self conscious about my body.  Keep your insecurities to yourself! 

I have had managers literally fondle my butt before as they were complaining about it, another touched my panties.  I am starting to seriously lose my patience with this obsession over my butt.

  One of my friends jokes butt too big yet it really is annoying to be harassed for my body constantly. 

Why is it that no matter what you wear as a female people gotta find a problem. Ill fitting your not put together, too fitting your a slut, to much skin your a scank not enough skin you're uptight.

  Why can't people just stop policing women's bodies when they obey company, work, school, or other policies?

My first New Year's celebration in a dungeon. 

BPH is unique in that some players really are so sweet. It genuinely is relaxing to spend time having good conversations without even playing. 

Never before with a dungeon had I been more so excited to talk with people. 

For those of you who I can't stop chatting with I appreciate the time you have spent truly keep being amazing. If I can help you anyway let me know. 

---+++

In a separate note. 

I got to expose a new player to some electric. It's fun to help someone on the journey to figuring out what they like.

  I think it's important to keep things playful and be gradual with new players..

  There's endless time to get to the deep end of the pool and it's going no where so start slow and be progressive. 

Looking forward to next years.

Pull over for ambulances! 

Yesterday due to call out and holiday related I got locked in for a near double shift over 22 hours. 

At 20 hours in a call went out that required me to be driven back to headquarters lights and sirens in a BLS truck so I could switch to the ALS truck and drive a paramedic to an emergent situation that didn't have minutes to spare. 

Yet multiple drivers didn't pull over or get out of the way of the ambulances! 

Maneuvering a massive truck with someone being treated in the back while having to weave around idiot drivers is not helping an already difficult situation. 

You wanna show EMS appreciation don't call us heros please just do your part to be a hero -- get outta the way of the ambulance. 

Shame people you know who don't respect the rightaway for ambulances. 

Show us respect that way, so we can do our job and save you and your loved ones.

  A public service announcement.

Probably the biggest communication issue I have with people close to me is that when I do care for them I am like whatever you want. 

Since their happiness takes priority, I just don't even think about what I want.  When I was mostly with people who exploited me it wasn't an issue. 

My girlfriend actually doesn't want to be that way and this why she wants me to get better at communicating my preferences. 

I am just so used to the things I want being impossible that I sorta gave up wanting for the most part. 

I don't have a religion but Buddhism is the closest and I followed it for a while.  Buddhism states life is suffering ( I agree) 

Buddhism states suffering comes from unmet desires (I can see that) 

Buddhism states to end suffering you must end your attachment to desire and just accept (work on that when I meditate) 

Things I wanted I didn't get: 

A mom to love me

A dad to love me

A healthy home growing up

An end to the poor treatment for trans and intersex people.

Equality for women (I can go on but you see a pattern impossible wants) 

Those core initial wants went unmet and It seems like I will never live to see the day any of them come true. 

For those in the know many trans and Intersex people in America currently worry about fleeing the country if things keep getting worse. 

One thing I don't talk about often is how I resent the overturning of roe v wade and feeling female rights being attacked. 

I am unique in that I have Swyer syndrome. It means I have a uterus.

This is why when people say XY vs XX upsets me since its flat out a lie so much more goes into a bodies sex. 

Being an outlier hurts since people dissmiss my existence and argue about it politically nowadays without even having Intersex peoples voices heard at all. 

I am an XY person who could possibly carry a child so it very much does effect me what happens in this regard and it also influenced how I was treated. 

In my life there were three times I asked doctors to remove my uterus because of it making me uncomfortable. 

Yet they refused, telling me they don't like to risk healthy tissues and that maybe I simply need counciling to accept that aspect of my life. 

I didn't get the agency to remove my own bits when they were making me uncomfortable.

Typical men telling a female what to do with her body why should I have expected any different.

  My internal structures were given more agency than my own wants and desires.  Some would say ah but you don't want an operation now so the doctors did the right thing. 

Now I'm just more Buddhist ? I didn't get what I wanted so accepted my body as is. 

Most my dreams have never come true, I doubt I will live to see many of dreams come true, some are already outright impossible. 

Heck Half the time when I go out to a restaurant I can't even get coke, and have to settle for Pepsi which to me just tastes worse. 

The things I want most at this point; getting into medical school, working on my writing, and trying to have a meaningful relationship with my girlfriend I put my efforts into. 

I need to do better on communication of want to make her happier but I spent a life getting used to not wanting. 

Other then having big goals that keep me getting up -- what else is there to want. 

One thing I do want is an anime themed wedding where I cosplay as Naomi Armitage. (But even that most people think is weird, so even my wedding if it were to happen I can't get what I want) 

Life is suffering.

I write whatever is on my mind: an emotion, a feeling, a moment that I just want to preserve. 

If you wonder why I am so open. I spent so much of my life bottling it all in. 

I used to have intense fear that if anyone found out I was Intersex an orphan or once on welfare they would judge me and want nothing to do with me.

  It's literally happened too many times, I remember one time I was in my best friends house and his mother asked me so where do you live? 

I replied warmly "section 8 housing by 5th avenue"

she followed up oh and why are you living there? 

Well my mom is trying to get clean and I don't have a dad so it can be tough sometimes. 

She then said nothing more to me just left. 

I am sure if I could see her face it would have been contempt because everything was about to change. 

The next time I saw my best friend and asked him to play he said we couldn't talk anymore sheepishly. 

I didn't understand why. I was always so nice to him, maybe even had a tiny crush I was kid who knows but I genuinely cared about him. 

He looked at me and explained that his mom was loooing out for him, and that he needs to be with better people, and his mom would be worried sick if he ever came to my house that someone would rob him. 

I never knew before that moment how honesty could drive people away. 

I had thought the truth was it's own reward. 

So after that I got very quite and didn't really talk to anyone unless spoken to. 

So thank you for taking the time to get to know me.

You are wonderful may you're New Year be bright and dreams come true.

So this year is perhaps my most important yet. 

I am finally applying to medical school. I had thought I was ready before the pandemic, but when I hired a consultant, they said I was a moderate candidate at best as I didn't have any medical caregiving experience.

They also cited my lack of having any medical letters of recommendation. 

Well, in the last 3 years, I got my wilderness Emergency Medical Technician certification and an Emergency Medical Technician license (NREMT). I got a degree in medical assisting as well as being an intern and then working for a hospital as a medical assistant for nearly a year. I have been volunteering for search and rescue for nearly 3 years and working as an emergency medical technician for nearly two years. I am also volunteering on occasion for 911 and got FEMA disaster certifications so in an emergency I can be activated. 

So all that, plus killer references – I am beyond ready. My once weakness is now unbelievably strong and robust. I have saved so many people at this point through giving care I have forgotten more than I recall. 

I know how much you bragged about my intellect and how I was going to become a doctor. Well, at the moment, I am going to apply for PA school.

You, like many, might say, why do that when you should be a doctor? Well, the fact is I have ADHD, and the 9-hour MCAT just seems a lot. Meanwhile, the GRE and PA programs are less taxing on my ADHD. In fact, even before I got a diagnosis and started taking medication, I could do fairly well. 

Physician Assistants do roughly the same task as doctors and work in hospitals, providing advanced medical care, and I know you care about this – have a good salary with a decent life/work balance. 

So who knows? Maybe after I get my PA license, I will go back and become a medical doctor or maybe get a PhD to do some medical research, but for the moment that's the goal. 

I know you'd be happy and say, well, finally getting into medical school; it's about time. It hasn't happened yet, but this year is the year and I am gonna do my best to make you proud still. 

You bragged before it was a reality. Maybe you feared as I was taking care of you with cancer that you wouldn't get to see the day. 

You used to talk about how you wanted to be front row at my graduation from medical school. 

Sadly, I don't know if I want anyone to go now. Since you won't be there, what’s the point? In fact, I am used to that.

My performance arts diploma no one came, my high school diploma no one came, my dual college degrees no one came, my third college degree no one came – and one day my medical school degree that you demanded to come to, that was only meant for you and maybe my aunt; why should this break the streak if you're gone? 

I really wish you could be there. You started to apologize for not believing in me near your death. I thought it was just the cancer treatment talking and you feeling guilty for how kind and loving I was to you. 

But for awhile now, I see it as you trying to repent for not supporting me sooner. You bought into the narrative from the school and my mom that I was a problem child, that it didn't matter how smart I was, that I should be cut off as a burden. 

That's why, at 16, I fought legally, got my independence, and left. Going it alone with no family made it much harder, but you didn't support or belive me then. Well I did it and am doing it. And when you needed me, I came back to take care of you anyway, no preconditions, because I always loved you and my family, no matter how poorly you treated me. Like a mongrel mutt, I kept coming back, just being happy to have scraps.

I know you'd be especially proud that I did it all on my own without any help. 

Yet one thing that definitely helped towards the end was the joy I knew it would give you to one day tell you I did it.

I am sorry I will never get to say those words to you. I love you, and caring for you when the cancer was coming has made me a better person.

I wouldn't be the medical care provider I am or anywhere near as compassionate of a person. 

You showed me the love and care people need to endure, you exposed me to the pain of being a family member arguing with doctors and insurance companies. You started a fight in me to be a crusader for my patients. 

No matter how hard the situation or task or how difficult the patient, I just think of you, Grandma.

The ups, the downs, and the right way to treat people. I will never dishonor your memory, and you have given me more than any medical school or dollar ever could: a moral composition that is unambiguously true. 

Love, your only grandchild