Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Day 13 

Last weekend I past my qualifications to drive ambulance, today was my first shift doing it. 

Having real patients in the back and 4 lives in my care while also knowing I have to keep it as smooth as possible was heavy.

My partner has to work in the back at times with critical patients. I was really nervous about it at first. 

At one point my partner took me aside after we finished a run and said in the parking lot "are you a bitch, drive this thing like you got balls." Your doing fine but get the hell outta your head. 

He had total faith in me the whole time it definitely helped build my confidence. Either way the first time is over -- 12 hours 6 calls two critical patients. 

Next time only gonna be stronger 💪!

Day 12

CW: abuse, sexual abuse

  My ex-best friend is a man named Dan. We had a very unique friendship until I ended it. He wants it back should I give him another chance?

  Dan was the first person to know Outside of my family I was female biologically.  The day he found out we were in my grandmother's basement playing video games a puzzle game known as Legacy of Kain. 

He just came over my house because he had this new game and wanted to play I didn't think much of it we were playing in the downstairs basement and all of a sudden he said so when were you gonna tell me you were female. 

I still only found out about my Intersex condition by force a year before when my family kept trying to get me to remove my breasts and I started having period spotting. 

I tried to play it off like what are you talking about.  He was like look I don't care but you must have forgotten to bind or something because your breasts are way too much to be a typical male so what are you like trans or something just tell me. 

I was like well I never had to talk about it before I don't really know whats going on with my body to tell you the turth I thought I was gonna be male but my body I guess had other plans. 

He said well I won't tell anyone if you let me see your tits. I was like are you seriously gonna do that. He said I guess not but what do you want me to do you got nice breasts so I want to see em Didn't hurt to try. 

This sorta teasing and I guess sorta sexual tension on his part being into me and me not having any idea what to do about happened pretty much from 14-21 note dan was two years older then me the entire time.

  Then at 21 I finally was like Dan I don't like you kidding about these things anymore and constantly bringing up my gender dysphoria exctera and for a while dan was pretty good until one day he had to say these words. 

You think your tough with all the martial arts and P90 x but in reality a serious trained male can kick your ass and leave you for dead so know your role there is only so much a woman can do and in reality you really need a guy to protect you. 

This lead to him a 5th degree black belt 280 pounds and me a two time black belt in go ju and kempo 170 pounds to go to a park at midnight and fight to prove which one of us was the better fighter. 

It got pretty brutal because he didn't want to lose to me and be emasculated after all that smack it was violent and bloody but I ended up victorious because he simply got worn down to a degree by my superior stamina and ability to slip enough of his bullshit haymakers. 

After that we didn't talk for a couple of years but he came back into my life apologizing for being immature and this time he was perhaps the nicest he ever was we went on trips together we would hang out we even started to regularly just sleep over when I was in the area. 

Me I thought this was just great I had my best friend back and we were closer than ever but after a couple a years we went on a trip where we had to share a ned and I woke up to him sexually assaulting me I was flabbergasted I was like what they heck is going on and he was like you love me you want this you just don't know how to express it. 

I said absolutely not please just stop before this gets outta hand and well that was when I cut him out of my life and made a never see dan again rule. 

Yet he contacted me after not talking in years because he has cancer and he feels in reflection that he ruined something beautiful and he wants to be forgiven and be friends again.

  I don't know if it is possible I kinda feel bad. I mean he is not that much older then me and has some serious health complications from cancer. 

But the guy was mean and abusive to me in the past. Yet he says the cancer has changed him and he's sorry he regrets what happened. 

I don't want to discourage him from trying to be a better person because anyone trying to improve from there past is good.  He was at one time one of the few people I could talk to about my issues before I decided to be more open and just be like whatever.  However he always was jealous that I was smarter, a better fighter and also angry that I never wanted to have sex with him. 

Yet he felt that I never gave him a chance to be my lover for no good reason, I perhaps over dedicated my life to Martial arts to the point it actually was a problem, and even if he was a jerk I had my own issues and personality flaws that didn't make me an easy person to care about especially when I was younger. 

Note I have a scar on my wrist where he literally set me on fire to prove my love for him.

He put a dab of lighter fluid and boom still scared to this day he was shocked I let him do it  I said I didn't care about myself so if him hurting me made him happy he should go for it so then at least one of us would be happy.  Yet I am not the same person. I do care about myself more I just don't know of I can talk to a man anymore I have such a past with. Even if he is sick has cancer and wants to make up and try and set things right. 

Am I the ass hole for not accepting that he has had an epiphany and can be a different person. 

Or is it that he pushed the line too far and even if nearly a decade has past I have to keep to my rule and never allow dan an inch back into my life?

Day 11 

I often feel not only unloved but that it is destiny to die alone. 

Introspectively being honest the cumulative hurt of having coworkers classmates exs and even family I thought would be there for me and yet slowly drift overtime has fed that fear. 

I always try to keep a smile and think oh well the next person who seems like a friend could be another outcome. 

Yet it often reinforces the same dead relationships, wasted time, and raw emotions. 

Then depression sets it with the view of why bother trying? It will end up being another letdown. 

If you have overcome this fear, let me know how.

Since, in my case, I feel it's no longer a fear but just reality, and this sorta of feeling can't possibly be the end.

Day 10 

An extreme night at a haunted house. So we drove to the field of screams PA for a special event haunt.  

Thestart was a hayride that was quite fantastic. It had a few scenes but the enhancements included having someone shoot us with fire extinguishers , cover us in silly string in a spider web area and have actors often hopp onto the hayride, but that wasn't all; they dragged other guests on the floor. A couple were even abducted by some people to put them on the next hayride going through I assume we had someone randomly thrown on ours while driving around.  

The hayride was the best part; the second one was the toxic wasteland, which mainly was an atmospheric post-post-apocalypse without many actors or genuine scares. At one point, they grabbed my girlfriend and me and put us in a coffin together and said if you aren't close, now you will be together forever.  She started laughing, and when they let us out, one of the scare actors was like you two better like each other now or something, and she flatly stated oh, we had had sex in a coffin before the person almost broke character and was like, wait?

What the hell are you talking about? A he looked confused; I sort of sheepishly said yeah, it's true shrugging as we walked away. 

Other than that, someone made people eat raw sardines, which is not my thing, so I didn't take it. That was pretty much all for the second attraction.  The third attraction was called the darkness, and for me, this one had some legitimately annoying moments.

There were moments in long, dark hallways where I was legitimately confused about where I was going. At one point, we were going through an attic crawl space, and someone went the wrong way and, I believe, got stuck while we were going through.

At one point, an emergency had happened, so emergency people were coming in. Had I known, I would have responded as well, but my girlfriend was you're not working.

They have them.  I mean, what good is being an EMT if I don't help people? It is one of my core functions, anyway. They also gave a shot of vinegar; it didn't seem immensely enhanced from the regular night. 

The last haunted experience, called the asylum, did have some enhanced moments. There was at one point a room where someone threw a net over my head and pushed me into someone else who grabbed me, and then some random creepy little girl asked me to look at the poo in her diaper. Although, as someone who works in healthcare, I could tell instantly it wasn't poo. You can't mistake the smell of that.

  In reality, it was the chocolate sauce and dirt, and I mean, I guess some could find that creepy. There was a room of people who injected us with this pink liquid and dripped it all over us. In another room, a mysterious girl grabbed me and started to draw on my head using a charcoal stick.

  So overall, do I feel the extreme night was more than a typical experience? Yes, of course, but on the professional haunted extreme ratings, I think I give it a 4.5 on the outer scale, even if some might put it at a solid five. 

Because there were so many people, I rarely felt that alone or confused. It was very much a limitless line of people going through. 

Also, I didn't mention it, but every event ended with people cutting you up with fake chainsaws. When I didn't flinch at the hayride fake chainsaws I think the actor took it as a challenge so he hit me with his phony chainsaw pretty hard and started pushing me with it pretty intense to make it feel more like he was going for my arm / back and attempting to cut it off.  It's a unique feeling to have vibrating cold metal being sawed into you, but that was how they ended the hayride. You would think they would have different grand endings, but nope, they didn't every Attraction someone would attempt to kill you with a fake chainsaw. 

Although I have to say the chainsaws worked on some because every so often while standing in line, you'd see a customer screaming or running away as people would chase them with chainsaws. 

I guess it's a fight-or-flight response to some peopy. Someone pushes you into a wall and starts hitting you with even a fake chainsaw. I could see how some people panic, but to me, this is what I paid for, so they better be bringing some elements of intensity. 

I think the issue is that I am in BDSM. I have had flame lit on my body, and I have been suspended in the air and I have had people balance live daggers on my throat I have had a katana shave my inner thighs. Nothing here was close.  Everyday extreme stuff, I have done and seen make anything in this haunted house just a bit of silly fun.

  Heck, as far as beatings go, I have been handcuffed to a ladder as someone beat me a bit, so in some ways, I would say if you live an intense life as I do, this will not match real life, but it does create atmosphere and time a mental break from the mundane everyday. 

Yet because the illusion and maintaining the atmosphere matters of the four hunts I have been to this year.   

PenhurstasylumField of screams, MD Field of screams, PA Eastern State Penn  Penhurst Asylum was the most immersive and had innovative experiences that transported me into another world most frequently and I recommend people try that if you want a truly unique Halloween themed experience.

Day 9 

This is a complicated question... 

Do you want me to help you with something? 

Do you want me to answer a question?  Do you want me to be your friend?

  There is more to a person than sexual interaction and kink. 

For me, as a demisexual, it is these aspects that connection needs to overcome because there can be no connection without emotional consideration.

I do not fault individuals who can just throw down and be comfortable with anyone having fun. 

But for me, there has to be mutual understanding, trust and care to allow any sort of spark to exist. 

I often don't mind helping people out with something in fact, I will often go out of my way to make someone's day because I enjoy pleasing people so much. 

Yet if you really want to get close to me as a human being, I need to know you want me in your life and why.  

Alsobonus if I can trust you.

Day 8  

When I left my job, it was not only without fanfare; it was cold as Ice, totally forgettable.  

My doctor unloaded a ton of annoying tasks. When I asked management if maybe this is something an individual working for him in the future could finish, my manager said, "finish strong, don't. Don't let your patients or your doctor down." 

Did they say goodbye, or great work or even thank me for staying late to ensure every task I was given even ridiculous ones finished?  Nope,   

When I got home, I was pretty sad. My girlfriend was like, what happened? 

I told her no one even said goodbye or wished me well, she said most jobs treat people as useless.  I said, I guess, but other employees when they left, either get a good job. Heck, when Zee, left she had everyone take a moment gather they wished her the best and the team even cracked open some beers and cheered her off. It was the doctor I work for who even bought the beers for the send off.  Now, I may not drink, but the response was obvious when she moved on the team celebrated her when it was my time. The word was out the doctor I work for was angry, so ignore me to keep the peace with whom you will have to continue working.

  My girlfriend said yeah, unfair treatment sucks, but that's why you're leaving. You should celebrate. 

I looked at her and explained as an orphan, I always feel I am unwanted. Having people I worked with for months just be done with me because they can't exploit me anymore is harsh. 

She then hugged me and said well we're going out to celebrate. You did a good thing. You should be happy. 

I looked at her with tears and said no, I want to mope around unwanted forever.  She hugged me and said, " Look, I'm going to get dressed, and we are going to go out so that you can make this easy or hard but staying isn't an option. 

I wasn't the most excited then, but after her repeated insistence, I caved.  We drove to a board game restaurant cafe about an hour away. 

Oddly, she was excited to show me somewhere new, but a few years ago, I was randomly there one day due to a board game group I was a part of. Thus kinda in UNO it was a reverse surprise.  However, I only had a chai tea; this time, we had the food, and I was impressed with a board game cafe; the food was actually top quality.  We played five games. The first two were party games where you have a prompt and try to guess the same thing. 

In medium you both put down a card, and you say, what's the first thing that can encompass both?  For example, If I put down life and you put down a car, what would you get with those two words?  I think of Transformers or Autobots. ( I am pretty nerdy) 

Then we played a game called follow the heard also a prompt game it asks a question and you try to say the same answer.  An example best job in the circus? 

Three Two One  Magician  Did we say the same thing? 

Then we played a dice-chucking cooperative game called fuse it is trash,  a deck-building game about getting rid of artichokes which was decent, and ended on a bizarre game called abduction about aliens abducting ducks clearly. 

She forced me to have fun and I did. Note we both collect board games I have roughly 70+ she has depending on how you look at it upwards of 200+ you think with both of us being huge into board games we would play them more often well you'd be wrong why who the eff knows? 

I was the president of the board gaming club in college and she literally started an event held in a dungeon about nerd culture games and board games.

  Yet we haven't been doing much as a couple. She's been stressed, and I've been bored and mildly depressed. .

We drove home, and I went to sleep right away. I genuinely was tired.  My EMT job hasn't made my schedule for next week so don't even know when I am working. They were supposed to call me between 7 and 8 pm but forgot. 

I guess I am just totally forgettable.

 Day 7

After working as a Medical Assistant for 9 months, I am finally going back to being an EMT full-time.    

Medical Assistants are like entry-level nurses who straddle two fields. We do healthcare tasks but also administrative work.  

  While I have worked for the hospital, I have worked in primary care, gynecology, pulmonary cardiology, and venous surgery.  

   I was what is known as the float team and, as such, bounced around to wherever my skills were needed. One day, I would be assisting a cardiologist doing stress tests exams, ekgs and patient triage education and intake the next day I might be working at the front desk registering people with the hospital and confirming their insurance and address is up to date.  

  The fact I am also an EMT also came in handy on occasion when I was in the clinic outpatient offices. Sometimes there would be emergencies and often my skill set helped me stabilize the incident and get the patient properly transferred to 911.  

   Believe it or not, the majority of doctors have no clue what to do when a patient starts having an intense emergency in your standard medical office.

    I will never forget this one patient who came in because of a cut and when the doctor asked them to take the bandage off to show them, the patient actually ripped open a wound and they started bleeding profusely everywhere and the doctor ran out the room screaming for help, overwhelmed by the sight of blood everywhere.

    As an EMT it was like, yeah, they, are bleeding a lot and, what's the panic? We can stabilize that and get me to a hospital easy peasy.   

The issue was I left the float team to work for one doctor specifically and he was just an unbelievable prick.   

At first he was nice and friendly, but it didn't take long for him to text me away from work and literally burry me burrying work almost everyday and more then a few times he mocked me because he would be leaving work every day, but I had to stay and finish up paperwork.    When I tried to tell him that his behavior was unacceptable, he stated if I like the job I had better take it.   

An example of how difficult working with him is the person they hired to replace me covered for me for two days and she quit! After only two days, she got to the point which took me three months to reach. I find it hilarious. 

   This is proof I am more masochist than I thought.   

A hidden truth of the medical field is Dr's often get to be prima donnas. Kinda like Dr House, sorta psycho doctors are a real thing I worked for one, and as a float, I covered for many.  Since those doctors can't keep people. The fact is there is a healthcare shortage in this country, so as long as you have a license places are happy to have you.  

   Someone will hire any doctor since they generate revenue. Ma's nurses and support staff all support the doctors as such we serve at the pleasure of the doctors.   

  Thus, even the most outrageous behavior from doctors is condoned, Since what are you gonna do? fire the doctors and lose all that revenue they generate? Most places won't even talk to them about there behavior. 

     Thus, nurses and Ma's have to put up with untouchable near bullet-proof doctors.   

I have had doctors tell me to my face how do I know I'm a lesbian. If I never had sex with a strong man have maybe I am just biased.  

  I had other doctors out there tell me ADHD is bullshit it's just a way for drug addicts to score some insurance money for legal amphetamines. 

   I had a doctor kick me on the ground and tell me I was full of shit when I had a PTSD flashback and was in a panic because someone sneaked up and grabbed me.  

  So I am glad to be going back to EMT work full time. The team work fair treatment  and supportive environment is awesome. Not to mention  being seen as a hero is a welcome change of pace from being treated like a roach.  

  Now mind you, it wasn't every doctor, but in my experience it was more than 50 %

Day 6

The best sex I ever had, my girlfriend, was getting tired of me complaining that she never, wants to have sex with me any more. So I stated, why not just be friends if you're done with me sexually. I don't care if you want a sexual relationship just admit it and we move onwards.    She responded one day by blindfolding me, then gagging me with a dog bone chew toy in my mouth .

After she hog tied me with in this really tight arch borderline painful in my spine, the unbearable pain subsided after she beat me a tad. When my body started to flinch in pain and I was crying, she gave me the roughest massage I ever had. It felt like she was pressing my muscles right off of the bone   I even yelped a bit in muffled pleading to go a little less intense.   

Once, I was bruised, tender and almost collapsed from just the lead up. Then she fucked me from behind while choking me and here was where it's interesting.     Not only did I enjoy it she got tried out all the activity before hand. I guess it took so much out of her to get me in the sense and head space she wanted she was too tried to bring the hammer down sexually.   

  If you ever been bound gaged, beaten, bruised, bleeding and only half fucked it was vicious. I, was like, aww, that's both sweetn she gave me all the effort she had in here but it was also terrifying, like I don't wanna be left like this for hours trying to mutter please untie me before you pass out. Also it kinda makes you wonder how much of a rough fuck do you need?    

  She made sure to untie me before she collapsed asleep.   

  I don't really masturbate, so I was in tears of sexual frustration, like seriously, though why did it have to stop after only a couple of hours? 😭   

Yet the benefit of being a demisexual I generally don't have any libido. Thus far in my life I don't know the person who can take me there. Kinda why I do better as the top sexually it might be boring for me but at least someone cums.

Day 5  

Too open?

So one of my professors asked us to write an example of using repetition about someone I did a poem about my girlfriend because who wouldn't go there first when looking for quick inspiration for a writing assignment. 

When I showed my girlfriend she was like it was nice are but a little inappropriate for a college assignment.  I was wondering how could that be the case. Art can and should be provocative and exploit it needs to explore the depths of humanity and yeah of course, when talking about my girlfriend there will be some explicit portions. 

I am in my last legs at this current job 2 more days after this one. It seems amazing but it's happening!  I literally was watching the recent hell of a boss episode and it had a massive musical number where an individual who always sought approval and loved to perform finally decided to say Fuck you to their boss. 

It actually caused me to cry not outta happiness but out of the sheer understanding how much and deeply I am approval seeking. I think being an orphan with no family is part of the caused It's like oh I'd do almost anything for a family, yet for the most part I barely even have solid friends.  For those of you who read this, let's say I died, would you even notice?  It is weird to think that my death would sort a barely get noticed. I remember when I was 16, I really wanted to have a Sweet 16 like my other female friends.

If I was forced by my body and society to start living as a female, why not have a fun party at the very least?  My family was embarrassed and disgusted by me and really didn't even want people to know I existed ,because of my intersex condition they didn't want me to have any friends, or really any extended relatives celebrating me.

Well of course they wouldn't get me any gifts I was already  a burden they didn't even want to be related to me. 

We went to this horrible Chinese buffet that was so run down and cheap I literally found a staple in my food.  When you always felt little more than the scum scraped off the bottom of a shoe, it does create an intense need to prove you're worthy of existence. 

  Yet the older I get, the more I have been able to say fuck that basic mentality. I just wish I was able to do it more consistently. 

Yet I still want people to love and appreciate me. That's a human desire although I Sorta expect that it can't happen.

You know, I think the hardest thing in life at times is to acknowledge that sometimes who you are isn't who you thought you were.    

Life is a process and change is constant, so obviously, there is also going to be change in oneself and when that change comes one has to be daring enough to allow it to happen and not to hold fast to the past.   

Not even a year ago was the first time I had stepped foot in a public, kink space in over a decade and although there have been ups and downs in general, I would have to say it is a good change of pace was to my life and I am glad.   

Things I would have done differently. I definitely would have been more selective about who I played with and tried to keep my ADHD in check more. I don't mean to be so annoying to people.     

I enjoy long, deep conversations with really cool people. I feel there isn't enough of that to go around. Many people in my local kink community are that way in spades.     Sure, kink is fun and all but nothing gets me more excited then an opportunity to make a new friend, or learn something new, or be challenged in some way.