Ice Girl's public thoughts.

 Day 16 

Today doing runs one of my partners who I will call E that has been very open about being ultra gay came out and asked me if I am a lesbian I had simply been telling him I am queer before.

I looked at him today and said "well I'm wearing my girlfriends bra?" ( laundry day). 

Well when he had been a cool little gayboi the last day we worked together he was all up my butt today. 

At one point when he was trying to show me how to single load a stretcher he was struggling and I was like oh watch the proper technique and I did it easily. 

His partner B laughed and was like you aint got shit on her and E was so miffed it was almost funny watching his cheeks match his frosted tips. 

I wasn't trying to show him up I been an EMT for 3 years I am just new to this company. I worked for another private company, I have run 911 volunteering, and I been a member of search n rescue for 3 years. 

E he has been a driver for a few months and literally just passed his emt cert last week n really was struggling with medical conditions today.

  Infact tonight the manager even told him infront if me end of shit he ain't ready he needs more training. 

I wasn't gonna tell E him but one of the reasons I was assigned to be trained by B and E is they told me that they know E still needs training before they let him run calls and they want him with experienced people. 

Meanwhile he bitched about insanity like the fact when I made a stretcher it had more wrinkles in it then when he makes it. 

This is emergency medicine dude no one cares if the stretcher sheets have no wrinkles my god can he be any more fuckin gay! 

I think the sorta tomboy fuck shit up vibes I put out sorta rub him the wrong way because he kept saying things like talk quiter around medical desks, and when your calling dispatch speak more pleasant they get enough rough necks being rude. 

How in the heck did this guy ever find emergency medicine?

  He has only been doing it for a few months n it shows because anyone whos lasted knows you gotta have a thick skin a demented sense of humor -- uptight prissy people can't last.

  I still like the guy anyone who can put up with dating men have more patience then I ever will have. 

I know he means well but the fact he not only refused to listen to my experience but only admonished me for being too rough around the edges was annoying.  My girlfriend called me an Orch which is both true and untrue.

I have 3 degrees a 3.9 GPA Two medical licenses so I am fairly well educated and can put on the erudite cap with ivory tower elites. 

Yet I can also hang with a firehouse talk shit with the dudes and then go out on an 911 call bash a window in on a burning car and pull a woman bleeding simi conscious out and stabilize her. 

While in the ER I've had to help take down someone assaulting a nurse so he can be sedated when it explodes in emergency things go from 0-100 real fast. 

I am sure E would like university ICE better but I can't show my nerdy side as an EMT. 

I'd get picked on for damn sure already being a female I gotta be extra tough If I acted like E no one would wanna work with me because they wouldn't trust I have what it takes.

  Gay men have the privilege to be softer in EMS because they aren't assumed to be weak, the odd ones out, untrustworthy in an emergency, and second guessed when making life or death calls.

Day 15 

CW: sexual assault 

This morning something amazing happened my girlfriend was in the mood to wrestle and I was able to without harming her. ?  For a long time I refused to spar anyone because my training and application of force potential was so great I knew I could hurt someone.(Made me very nervous)?‍?

  I will never forget when someone tried to sexually assault me once he picked me up and threw me so hard onto the bed the wooden slats holding the mattress cracked and I had some metal springs cutting into my back but when he mounted me thinking he had the upper hand.

He made a huge mistake he let me wrap my legs around his left arm and with all my might I yanked and twisted and wouldn't you know it his arm was then hanging by a thread ripped out of his shoulder as he was screaming obsensities and crying out in pain. 

He chose poorly to assault me, I been training at this point since I was 7 in martial arts 30 years under my belts in multiple styles when that incident happened I had roughly 20 years experience. 

Because I have seen me at my most deadly I have such unbelievable respect for people and try my best to hold back I never wanna hurt anyone ever who doesn't want it.

  I try to never strike or apply pressure on any technique that could cause a break or dislocation. 

It does make me feel slow because I always have to first figure out what can I do for an untrained or mildly trained person.

I think today was a good sign on my road to proving to myself I can have a low setting for fun and not hurt people when they wanna get frisky. 

When I teach people techniques I am able to do it without incident but I always been anxious what if I for a second get over zealous.

Last spring my best female friend Jen had aggreed to spare me and she is a 3 degree black belt in taekwondo and I saw she as most weren't as good with her hands and I jumped over her kick and did a turing backfist and I figured she would slip it but she was so shocked and Frozen seeing me move so fast I caught her flush in the face and she went falling back into the wall and had a bruise for over a week. 

I was so apologetic, because I wasn't even intending to hit her it was supposed to cause her to move back so I could get in tight and then flurry her but her inexperience with cloes up fighters and her assumption that I am so outta shape I couldn't go vertical like that over one of her kicks caused her to be wide open. 

I might be 220 pounds but I can dive over a 5 foot gap and either roll out or do a full on front flip. 

The power these little arms can generate is insane I was already at the world female championship taekwondo break levels at the gym I was working out of in Baltimore they literally produced the sliver medalist for my weight class.

  Note I am not as good as Kathleen but I can do some of the same breaks she was doing and when we spared it was pretty obvious she was more powerful than me but I was a tad more agile the issue is if she hit me it was brutal.

I remember blocking one of her kicks still to this day because it almost broke my arm. Her weakness was throwing such high power shots made her slow and she would lose her stamina quickly.

Final thoughts it is fun to think I am able to compartmentalize and be safe for normal people to play with me without having to fear or be nervous about injuries. 

I believe I am at that level of peace in life where like a tiger playing with human I can easily eff someone up but I am not vicious unless there is a problem. 

I am mentally at peace and my only focus is to bring as much happiness as possible into this world and if that means someone wants to wrestle me that's fine. 

Right now in my life I am going to work at cutting ny weight down I am a tad overweight at the moment and my increase my overall burst of power and endurance. 

Going back to working as an EMT full time you have no idea how often I need to help lift overweight people.

Just the other day there was this 400 pound diabetic missing a leg to get these types of patients up and onto a stretcher takes tons of training and strength.

  This is why there is a bare minimum requirement to be an EMT of being able to lift 150 pounds up two flights of stairs. When the company hired me they made me lift deadlift 120 pounds take it up a flight of stairs spin around and then walk it back down a flight of stairs with no guardrail usage or any help. 

This is the job and it is also sadly why the is a 70/30 gender imbalance. It's not discrimination to prevent women from being EMTs most companies I have seen would hire anyone qualified theres a massive shortage at the moment. 

But if you can't safely move the patients your going to come into contact with you cannot be an EMT you are going to hurt yourself your patient and your partner.  Thus over the next couple of months I am going to work on pushing my lifting and raw power right now I am at about 170 dead lift bench press and 160 butterfly. I wanna get it over 200 hundred deadlift bench press and get my butterfly to 180.

There was a time in my life where everything was over 300 pounds now that was in my mid 20's over a decade ago when all I cared about was being a fighting machine, But now I have a good reason to bulk up againg to save lives.

  Day 14 

My Mother has been reaching out to me using the fact holidays are coming up to try and emotionally blackmail me to visit her. 

I haven't seen her in 14 months. First she probably should have been vut out sooner she was abusive and distant growing up eventually causing her to lose custody. 

I tried to forgive her many times thinking well she had me at 18 and was doing drugs what can you expect she was overwhelmed and should be given chances. 

Yet she never improved the final straw was earlier this year when I told her I started dating a female she was not only unsupportive she was down right hostile towards her and very skeptical of what they wanted in my life. 

I mean I am in general pretty laid back people can be mean and disrespectful towards me and I will often turn the other cheek but you being disrespectful towards someone I care about is a no go.

  I don't have a close family Infact just last night my aunt called me out of the blue because my godmother died no one even told me she was sick in the first place. 

The fact I am queer intersex and nonbinary they are just want nothing to do with me.

I have had my grandfather on my father's side once tell me if I ever went to his house again unannounced hed shoot me as a trespasser. 

So when I have been used to such repulsive treatment my whole life from my family it didn't take much to view my mom as the best of the worst.

  Yet it hurts to think I don't get to have a family especially around the holidays. Sure I have some friends who are really close but most of them don't want me to participate in there family affairs which is understandable. 

My girlfriend invited me to go spend Thanksgiving with her family this year I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go because I am not family just because I am dating her. 

She insisted because she didn't want me to be alone. I was like well I won't be alone because I would have probably picked up EMT shifts its not like people don't need medical help during Thanksgiving or black Friday. 

But she won out and convinced me her family wants me to visit even though I think she is just worried about my emotional well-being. 

The fact is I often talk of loneliness and despair but I feel its part of the human condition. I am just honest and raw if people had the same situation I been though they would feel the same way. 

Infact I know plenty of people who have a family that loves them and still feels lonely. 

I would never forget one of ny male friends told me the biggest mistake he ever made in life was starting a family with a girl he didn't mentally respect.

  He found her attractive and enjoyed the way she treated him two kids and ten years later all he does behind her back is bemoan how stupid pathetic and how he wishes she wasn't help raising his kids.

  I am not here to say he is right clearly there has to be some issues there but the thing he said he would go back and change in his youth would be to value intellectual and moral compatibility because having to spend a life with someone you don't have enough in common with just gets soul killing. 

Now mind you I am a demisexual sapiosexual I already know this. But it has been hard to watch how bitter and resentful he has become towards his wife.

  I brought this up because it to me is a very cautionary situation don't over invest yourself into someone you don't want to be in you're life forever.

  Thats why I didn't have a full relationship for over 8 years as dysfunctional as my bio family is and how painful it is to see some of my friends in families they hate and feel opress them it has just been so scary to me.

Day 13 

Last weekend I past my qualifications to drive ambulance, today was my first shift doing it. 

Having real patients in the back and 4 lives in my care while also knowing I have to keep it as smooth as possible was heavy.

My partner has to work in the back at times with critical patients. I was really nervous about it at first. 

At one point my partner took me aside after we finished a run and said in the parking lot "are you a bitch, drive this thing like you got balls." Your doing fine but get the hell outta your head. 

He had total faith in me the whole time it definitely helped build my confidence. Either way the first time is over -- 12 hours 6 calls two critical patients. 

Next time only gonna be stronger ?!

Day 12

CW: abuse, sexual abuse

  My ex-best friend is a man named Dan. We had a very unique friendship until I ended it. He wants it back should I give him another chance?

  Dan was the first person to know Outside of my family I was female biologically.  The day he found out we were in my grandmother's basement playing video games a puzzle game known as Legacy of Kain. 

He just came over my house because he had this new game and wanted to play I didn't think much of it we were playing in the downstairs basement and all of a sudden he said so when were you gonna tell me you were female. 

I still only found out about my Intersex condition by force a year before when my family kept trying to get me to remove my breasts and I started having period spotting. 

I tried to play it off like what are you talking about.  He was like look I don't care but you must have forgotten to bind or something because your breasts are way too much to be a typical male so what are you like trans or something just tell me. 

I was like well I never had to talk about it before I don't really know whats going on with my body to tell you the turth I thought I was gonna be male but my body I guess had other plans. 

He said well I won't tell anyone if you let me see your tits. I was like are you seriously gonna do that. He said I guess not but what do you want me to do you got nice breasts so I want to see em Didn't hurt to try. 

This sorta teasing and I guess sorta sexual tension on his part being into me and me not having any idea what to do about happened pretty much from 14-21 note dan was two years older then me the entire time.

  Then at 21 I finally was like Dan I don't like you kidding about these things anymore and constantly bringing up my gender dysphoria exctera and for a while dan was pretty good until one day he had to say these words. 

You think your tough with all the martial arts and P90 x but in reality a serious trained male can kick your ass and leave you for dead so know your role there is only so much a woman can do and in reality you really need a guy to protect you. 

This lead to him a 5th degree black belt 280 pounds and me a two time black belt in go ju and kempo 170 pounds to go to a park at midnight and fight to prove which one of us was the better fighter. 

It got pretty brutal because he didn't want to lose to me and be emasculated after all that smack it was violent and bloody but I ended up victorious because he simply got worn down to a degree by my superior stamina and ability to slip enough of his bullshit haymakers. 

After that we didn't talk for a couple of years but he came back into my life apologizing for being immature and this time he was perhaps the nicest he ever was we went on trips together we would hang out we even started to regularly just sleep over when I was in the area. 

Me I thought this was just great I had my best friend back and we were closer than ever but after a couple a years we went on a trip where we had to share a ned and I woke up to him sexually assaulting me I was flabbergasted I was like what they heck is going on and he was like you love me you want this you just don't know how to express it. 

I said absolutely not please just stop before this gets outta hand and well that was when I cut him out of my life and made a never see dan again rule. 

Yet he contacted me after not talking in years because he has cancer and he feels in reflection that he ruined something beautiful and he wants to be forgiven and be friends again.

  I don't know if it is possible I kinda feel bad. I mean he is not that much older then me and has some serious health complications from cancer. 

But the guy was mean and abusive to me in the past. Yet he says the cancer has changed him and he's sorry he regrets what happened. 

I don't want to discourage him from trying to be a better person because anyone trying to improve from there past is good.  He was at one time one of the few people I could talk to about my issues before I decided to be more open and just be like whatever.  However he always was jealous that I was smarter, a better fighter and also angry that I never wanted to have sex with him. 

Yet he felt that I never gave him a chance to be my lover for no good reason, I perhaps over dedicated my life to Martial arts to the point it actually was a problem, and even if he was a jerk I had my own issues and personality flaws that didn't make me an easy person to care about especially when I was younger. 

Note I have a scar on my wrist where he literally set me on fire to prove my love for him.

He put a dab of lighter fluid and boom still scared to this day he was shocked I let him do it  I said I didn't care about myself so if him hurting me made him happy he should go for it so then at least one of us would be happy.  Yet I am not the same person. I do care about myself more I just don't know of I can talk to a man anymore I have such a past with. Even if he is sick has cancer and wants to make up and try and set things right. 

Am I the ass hole for not accepting that he has had an epiphany and can be a different person. 

Or is it that he pushed the line too far and even if nearly a decade has past I have to keep to my rule and never allow dan an inch back into my life?

Day 11 

I often feel not only unloved but that it is destiny to die alone. 

Introspectively being honest the cumulative hurt of having coworkers classmates exs and even family I thought would be there for me and yet slowly drift overtime has fed that fear. 

I always try to keep a smile and think oh well the next person who seems like a friend could be another outcome. 

Yet it often reinforces the same dead relationships, wasted time, and raw emotions. 

Then depression sets it with the view of why bother trying? It will end up being another letdown. 

If you have overcome this fear, let me know how.

Since, in my case, I feel it's no longer a fear but just reality, and this sorta of feeling can't possibly be the end.

Day 10 

An extreme night at a haunted house. So we drove to the field of screams PA for a special event haunt.  

Thestart was a hayride that was quite fantastic. It had a few scenes but the enhancements included having someone shoot us with fire extinguishers , cover us in silly string in a spider web area and have actors often hopp onto the hayride, but that wasn't all; they dragged other guests on the floor. A couple were even abducted by some people to put them on the next hayride going through I assume we had someone randomly thrown on ours while driving around.  

The hayride was the best part; the second one was the toxic wasteland, which mainly was an atmospheric post-post-apocalypse without many actors or genuine scares. At one point, they grabbed my girlfriend and me and put us in a coffin together and said if you aren't close, now you will be together forever.  She started laughing, and when they let us out, one of the scare actors was like you two better like each other now or something, and she flatly stated oh, we had had sex in a coffin before the person almost broke character and was like, wait?

What the hell are you talking about? A he looked confused; I sort of sheepishly said yeah, it's true shrugging as we walked away. 

Other than that, someone made people eat raw sardines, which is not my thing, so I didn't take it. That was pretty much all for the second attraction.  The third attraction was called the darkness, and for me, this one had some legitimately annoying moments.

There were moments in long, dark hallways where I was legitimately confused about where I was going. At one point, we were going through an attic crawl space, and someone went the wrong way and, I believe, got stuck while we were going through.

At one point, an emergency had happened, so emergency people were coming in. Had I known, I would have responded as well, but my girlfriend was you're not working.

They have them.  I mean, what good is being an EMT if I don't help people? It is one of my core functions, anyway. They also gave a shot of vinegar; it didn't seem immensely enhanced from the regular night. 

The last haunted experience, called the asylum, did have some enhanced moments. There was at one point a room where someone threw a net over my head and pushed me into someone else who grabbed me, and then some random creepy little girl asked me to look at the poo in her diaper. Although, as someone who works in healthcare, I could tell instantly it wasn't poo. You can't mistake the smell of that.

  In reality, it was the chocolate sauce and dirt, and I mean, I guess some could find that creepy. There was a room of people who injected us with this pink liquid and dripped it all over us. In another room, a mysterious girl grabbed me and started to draw on my head using a charcoal stick.

  So overall, do I feel the extreme night was more than a typical experience? Yes, of course, but on the professional haunted extreme ratings, I think I give it a 4.5 on the outer scale, even if some might put it at a solid five. 

Because there were so many people, I rarely felt that alone or confused. It was very much a limitless line of people going through. 

Also, I didn't mention it, but every event ended with people cutting you up with fake chainsaws. When I didn't flinch at the hayride fake chainsaws I think the actor took it as a challenge so he hit me with his phony chainsaw pretty hard and started pushing me with it pretty intense to make it feel more like he was going for my arm / back and attempting to cut it off.  It's a unique feeling to have vibrating cold metal being sawed into you, but that was how they ended the hayride. You would think they would have different grand endings, but nope, they didn't every Attraction someone would attempt to kill you with a fake chainsaw. 

Although I have to say the chainsaws worked on some because every so often while standing in line, you'd see a customer screaming or running away as people would chase them with chainsaws. 

I guess it's a fight-or-flight response to some peopy. Someone pushes you into a wall and starts hitting you with even a fake chainsaw. I could see how some people panic, but to me, this is what I paid for, so they better be bringing some elements of intensity. 

I think the issue is that I am in BDSM. I have had flame lit on my body, and I have been suspended in the air and I have had people balance live daggers on my throat I have had a katana shave my inner thighs. Nothing here was close.  Everyday extreme stuff, I have done and seen make anything in this haunted house just a bit of silly fun.

  Heck, as far as beatings go, I have been handcuffed to a ladder as someone beat me a bit, so in some ways, I would say if you live an intense life as I do, this will not match real life, but it does create atmosphere and time a mental break from the mundane everyday. 

Yet because the illusion and maintaining the atmosphere matters of the four hunts I have been to this year.   

PenhurstasylumField of screams, MD Field of screams, PA Eastern State Penn  Penhurst Asylum was the most immersive and had innovative experiences that transported me into another world most frequently and I recommend people try that if you want a truly unique Halloween themed experience.

Day 9 

This is a complicated question... 

Do you want me to help you with something? 

Do you want me to answer a question?  Do you want me to be your friend?

  There is more to a person than sexual interaction and kink. 

For me, as a demisexual, it is these aspects that connection needs to overcome because there can be no connection without emotional consideration.

I do not fault individuals who can just throw down and be comfortable with anyone having fun. 

But for me, there has to be mutual understanding, trust and care to allow any sort of spark to exist. 

I often don't mind helping people out with something in fact, I will often go out of my way to make someone's day because I enjoy pleasing people so much. 

Yet if you really want to get close to me as a human being, I need to know you want me in your life and why.  

Alsobonus if I can trust you.

Day 8  

When I left my job, it was not only without fanfare; it was cold as Ice, totally forgettable.  

My doctor unloaded a ton of annoying tasks. When I asked management if maybe this is something an individual working for him in the future could finish, my manager said, "finish strong, don't. Don't let your patients or your doctor down." 

Did they say goodbye, or great work or even thank me for staying late to ensure every task I was given even ridiculous ones finished?  Nope,   

When I got home, I was pretty sad. My girlfriend was like, what happened? 

I told her no one even said goodbye or wished me well, she said most jobs treat people as useless.  I said, I guess, but other employees when they left, either get a good job. Heck, when Zee, left she had everyone take a moment gather they wished her the best and the team even cracked open some beers and cheered her off. It was the doctor I work for who even bought the beers for the send off.  Now, I may not drink, but the response was obvious when she moved on the team celebrated her when it was my time. The word was out the doctor I work for was angry, so ignore me to keep the peace with whom you will have to continue working.

  My girlfriend said yeah, unfair treatment sucks, but that's why you're leaving. You should celebrate. 

I looked at her and explained as an orphan, I always feel I am unwanted. Having people I worked with for months just be done with me because they can't exploit me anymore is harsh. 

She then hugged me and said well we're going out to celebrate. You did a good thing. You should be happy. 

I looked at her with tears and said no, I want to mope around unwanted forever.  She hugged me and said, " Look, I'm going to get dressed, and we are going to go out so that you can make this easy or hard but staying isn't an option. 

I wasn't the most excited then, but after her repeated insistence, I caved.  We drove to a board game restaurant cafe about an hour away. 

Oddly, she was excited to show me somewhere new, but a few years ago, I was randomly there one day due to a board game group I was a part of. Thus kinda in UNO it was a reverse surprise.  However, I only had a chai tea; this time, we had the food, and I was impressed with a board game cafe; the food was actually top quality.  We played five games. The first two were party games where you have a prompt and try to guess the same thing. 

In medium you both put down a card, and you say, what's the first thing that can encompass both?  For example, If I put down life and you put down a car, what would you get with those two words?  I think of Transformers or Autobots. ( I am pretty nerdy) 

Then we played a game called follow the heard also a prompt game it asks a question and you try to say the same answer.  An example best job in the circus? 

Three Two One  Magician  Did we say the same thing? 

Then we played a dice-chucking cooperative game called fuse it is trash,  a deck-building game about getting rid of artichokes which was decent, and ended on a bizarre game called abduction about aliens abducting ducks clearly. 

She forced me to have fun and I did. Note we both collect board games I have roughly 70+ she has depending on how you look at it upwards of 200+ you think with both of us being huge into board games we would play them more often well you'd be wrong why who the eff knows? 

I was the president of the board gaming club in college and she literally started an event held in a dungeon about nerd culture games and board games.

  Yet we haven't been doing much as a couple. She's been stressed, and I've been bored and mildly depressed. .

We drove home, and I went to sleep right away. I genuinely was tired.  My EMT job hasn't made my schedule for next week so don't even know when I am working. They were supposed to call me between 7 and 8 pm but forgot. 

I guess I am just totally forgettable.

 Day 7

After working as a Medical Assistant for 9 months, I am finally going back to being an EMT full-time.    

Medical Assistants are like entry-level nurses who straddle two fields. We do healthcare tasks but also administrative work.  

  While I have worked for the hospital, I have worked in primary care, gynecology, pulmonary cardiology, and venous surgery.  

   I was what is known as the float team and, as such, bounced around to wherever my skills were needed. One day, I would be assisting a cardiologist doing stress tests exams, ekgs and patient triage education and intake the next day I might be working at the front desk registering people with the hospital and confirming their insurance and address is up to date.  

  The fact I am also an EMT also came in handy on occasion when I was in the clinic outpatient offices. Sometimes there would be emergencies and often my skill set helped me stabilize the incident and get the patient properly transferred to 911.  

   Believe it or not, the majority of doctors have no clue what to do when a patient starts having an intense emergency in your standard medical office.

    I will never forget this one patient who came in because of a cut and when the doctor asked them to take the bandage off to show them, the patient actually ripped open a wound and they started bleeding profusely everywhere and the doctor ran out the room screaming for help, overwhelmed by the sight of blood everywhere.

    As an EMT it was like, yeah, they, are bleeding a lot and, what's the panic? We can stabilize that and get me to a hospital easy peasy.   

The issue was I left the float team to work for one doctor specifically and he was just an unbelievable prick.   

At first he was nice and friendly, but it didn't take long for him to text me away from work and literally burry me burrying work almost everyday and more then a few times he mocked me because he would be leaving work every day, but I had to stay and finish up paperwork.    When I tried to tell him that his behavior was unacceptable, he stated if I like the job I had better take it.   

An example of how difficult working with him is the person they hired to replace me covered for me for two days and she quit! After only two days, she got to the point which took me three months to reach. I find it hilarious. 

   This is proof I am more masochist than I thought.   

A hidden truth of the medical field is Dr's often get to be prima donnas. Kinda like Dr House, sorta psycho doctors are a real thing I worked for one, and as a float, I covered for many.  Since those doctors can't keep people. The fact is there is a healthcare shortage in this country, so as long as you have a license places are happy to have you.  

   Someone will hire any doctor since they generate revenue. Ma's nurses and support staff all support the doctors as such we serve at the pleasure of the doctors.   

  Thus, even the most outrageous behavior from doctors is condoned, Since what are you gonna do? fire the doctors and lose all that revenue they generate? Most places won't even talk to them about there behavior. 

     Thus, nurses and Ma's have to put up with untouchable near bullet-proof doctors.   

I have had doctors tell me to my face how do I know I'm a lesbian. If I never had sex with a strong man have maybe I am just biased.  

  I had other doctors out there tell me ADHD is bullshit it's just a way for drug addicts to score some insurance money for legal amphetamines. 

   I had a doctor kick me on the ground and tell me I was full of shit when I had a PTSD flashback and was in a panic because someone sneaked up and grabbed me.  

  So I am glad to be going back to EMT work full time. The team work fair treatment  and supportive environment is awesome. Not to mention  being seen as a hero is a welcome change of pace from being treated like a roach.  

  Now mind you, it wasn't every doctor, but in my experience it was more than 50 %