Ice Girl's public thoughts.

?

  I was home bored and switch wolf last conversation asked me to come out and I was thinking about it. 

This past week with school in recess and my girlfriend away it's been like what should I do besides work? 

Accepting a friends invitation out was an improvement emotionally. 

 

What was I doing you didn't ask? 

 

I had been reading news about geo politics, while watching YouTube shorts about ADHD and PTSD from people's perspectives. 

I usually just read research on such things but finding out how those conditions have impacted others in their own words was useful. 

It was fun being tied up tonight and suspended for a few minutes. 

When rope bites the skin it just feels like a big hug. 

 

I love hugs, getting squeezed feels so reassuring. 

 

The stress of being an EMT making life impacting decisions, the worries of the day and why it always seems the harder I try doesn't matter, because I will never know or get to see my greatest dreams come true. 

So just for a moment letting it all go is relaxing. 

 

A temporary mental reset on existence itself. 

 

Who doesn't deserve a time where all you have to do is breathe and exist weightless from all burden. 

 

I can fall asleep suspended it's so calming.

 

 I appreciate wolf asking me out. 

 

Getting to see some new and old faces a monumental bonus. 

 

I want to thank the community around Baltimore for being so beautiful n caring.

Attracted to Someone you Don't Know❓

  I was watching a wholesomely sweet video by Jaiden animations about Aeroace.

 

  Thinking when I want to explain these concepts to people this might become my new go to.  Then she said something at nine minutes and thirty seconds into the video.

 

That blew my mind.? (Explained below)  Wait people can be drawn sexually to individuals or crush on people just from looking at them even -- celebrities. 

How⁉️ 

 

I remember someone in the scene once pressed me hard who was my star trek crush growing up, telling me everyone had one and there's was 7 of 9. ?.

  I said that's impossible, I could never meet or get to know a fictional character so how could I ever be attracted to one.? Silly  

 

Before the current person I am dating I didn't date anyone for 11 years and it was 8 years since I had a sexual encounter with anyone.? 

 

Because drum roll I am demisexual! ? 

Thought I was gonna say asexual, I know but demisexual is a common subset in the gray community. ? 

 

We demisexuals need a deep and intense connection before we feel any sort of sexual attraction ?. 

 

For one person no joke I knew them for 15 years and I was then like oh maybe they are a little attractive I guess? (Still pondering if they are) 

Which was shocking since before that moment they weren't any more attractive then a cardboard cutout. ? 

 

So to have someone talking about how we areoace feel like aliens because other people are just sexy time go from the moment puberty happens is confusing yet reassuring to me. ?? 

 

I haven't heard this term But I also guess I am demi romantic as well.

 

I am only romantic towards someone I really have a deep emotional connection with makes sense. ? 

 

How could I be romantic with someone I just met. It's impossible. 

 

Seriously how do people do that.? 

 

The idea of hook up culture, or just meeting someone at a bar, or party and be like yeah lets do stuff. ?

 

I'm like woah woah ? how is this possible?

 

My current girlfriend I knew for 4-5 months before we even had more then a conversation. 

 

Even then when we started chatting I was debating in my head I do enjoy her a lot, is this something that can be more than friends she seems like she wants that. (Literally stole my bra while I was wearing it to get my attention)? 

 

My thoughts -- she might be showing sexual interest. (Being ace is ridiculous)

 

?  How does that even work again, oh shoot I have to read up on what it is normal people do to court humans? ?‍?? 

 

At times being demisexual I know frustrates others because I suck at intimate stuff and just don't get it

 

  One time me and my girlfriend went to a party and I was reading the news while fun activities were going on and she thought I was feeling sad and left out. ?‍? 

 

In reality I was just being a demisexual having fun reading the news like a nerdy idiot who doesn't get how parties work.? 

 

You mean you're not supposed to try to win every game, take more joy in the games played then the socializing, and then blurt out whatever random facts or hyper fixations you have that you think might be relevant at a given time.? 

 

Someone complements a couch which they say are comfy.  (Oh boy that was a mistake since that's an Ikea couch and its now time for me to nerd out about them!) 

 

I then say well these seem to be from the IKEA collection which is not known for comfort but have great lumbar support which is why you find them comfortable because you probably have lower back pain from bad posture. 

 

Hey would you like me to massage since you probably have some tension in these muscles.

  Finishes massage goes back to reading the news. ?As if nothing happened.

 

  For all people who experience normal human attraction ? be kinds to those who fall under the aro or ace banners like me. 

We genuinely want to socialize and be included we just are different.? 

 

That doesn't mean we can't be loving, caring, and the most supportive person you will ever met in your damn life!? 

Infact were some of the best at it.? 

Just know if you put out hints that you want more they will just go flying by our head's.? 

 

How many times I had this type of conversation is hilarious ? 

 

You doing anything tonight? 

Nope? 

Wanna go out? 

Not really? 

How about I take you to dinner? 

I just said I didn't want to go out tonight?

  Well I want to get to know you?

  We are talking now your getting to know me now? 

But I mean in person? 

What's so special in person? 

Ugh I want to see if we can progress? 

What do you mean were already great friends which is a high honor?

Are you messing with me right now? 

Um no this conversation is getting weird? 

 

I want to have sex with you ok I find you sexy gosh? 

 

Oh I didn't realize you did um yeah I don't know how I feel about that but we can still be friends? 

 

Other person you're insane?⁉️

 

  I genuinely apologize on behalf of all people who have ever just simply didn't understand an aro-demisexial.? 

 

I truly never meant any harm or to lead anyone on.? 

I still am shocked that people can just be attracted to random people they don't know like how is that even possible? ?

Since my semester is out and my aunt is heading back to New York, I have nothing to really do besides work, (which at times is stressful) martial arts, and going to the gym. 

 

I can't just visit my girlfriend ( shes 3 hours away) it's like what should I be doing?  

 

Any ideas ? I am planning to visit her next week until then got 4 days of free time for the next week. 

 

  I am kinda confused ? I haven't had free time in awhile.

When 911 gets backed up, or I assume in cases like today (short staffed) sometimes they farm out calls to companies with contacts. 

Right now not only was my company picked I was selected of whos on staff to run it.  

911 runs causes so much more paperwork and I was supposed to get off of work in the next 30 minutes. Now this is going to lock me in at least another two hours and that's if the emergency department takes the patient right away.

  My aunt is visiting from New York so it's such a bad time for this. 

 

I gotta get my head in the game and treat this patient with the respect dignity and expertise I bring to the table for everyone else -- even if it is an inconvenient time to be chosen for such a task.  

 

Venting real world EMT problems.

 

Happy holidays to everyone else. I got to save a life for Xmas ?

About three years ago I got seriously into martial arts regiment training again, at one point I slipped during running. 

Less heavy me (175 pounds) on such a slip could easily do a flip when losing balance like that to regain my balance. 

Yet me at the time 270 pounds ( 220 now) was just too heavy and I slipped and literally broke my tailbone after not sticking the front flip. 

What caused me to have tears in my eyes wasn't the pain and embarrassment of breaking my tailbone infront of the class. 

It was being an EMT and knowing women are 7 times more likely to have a broken tail bone due to the wider hips which protects it less, additionally if a male does break a tailbone it usually accompanies the hips themselves being shattered. (My hips were fine) 

 

This is just one of those differences, and it hurt to be reminded of when my doctors first told me I was a female bodied. 

Note I am Intersex and my family originally tried to raise me male. 

The doctors sat me down and said you know you're female right. 

I was like I present more female but I'm not female I am just not that masculine. 

They looked nervous like they were about to give me a death sentence and reiterated no you're female because with the condition you have you will never be able to masculinize and you have female internals. 

I was stunned, I mean how many other people does this happen to around puberty? 

It's not a normal experience -- it's not something you can prepare for or have others explain what to think about it, or feel about it. 

When my body so glaringly reminds me of the situation like breaking my tailbone it can emotionally resonate. 

I used to never talk about these feelings historically because mentioning it actually opens up one to bigotry and ridicule. 

Let's be frank most people don't care about intersex, trans, or non binary issues. 

 

I share because I think it's important to not be ashamed, raise awareness of the situation, and let others know who maybe can't speak or are too nervous they are not alone. 

Darkness fades when exposed to light.

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

 

I cry here silently

Aching

Wondering

What could be so wrong with me To earn your ire 

 

A simple request Make any behest 

An unbreakable commandment Shall drive me true 

Yet I do not get the mercy,

Of even a hint on what to do 

 

How could anything you want not be enough 

The harder I try the colder it feels 

Alone I pray 

 

Your harsh way - is that all I can ever expect of you. 

 

I would do anything you request 

Yet the more I say these words your agitation grows 

My nature is known to you Yet it seems you sneer at me before you. 

 

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

Too strong to break all it does is ache

Please find a way to love me

I'd literally do anything for you.

I am sitting here as I am trying to get to sleep with objectives I want to achieve soon and yet I worry that I will fail.  Later today I am visiting my girlfriend and I hope to cheer her up but often despite my best efforts I don't feel like my presence made any difference.

  I have the only relative in my life who is still worth it and my best friend visiting from New York for xmas and I want them to have an amazing time.

I spent a lot of money on gifts, and food to prepare I know they would like. 

Even today for my best friend he mentioned he was gonna bring instant coffee down and I was like oh thats not great what's your favorite coffee.  And he mentioned Ethiopian Yirgacheffe so i had to solve the coffee problem and studied how to use a steam press process while practicing it and spending way to much money on coffee that will now serve no purpose until the next time he visits. 

Just because the thought of making him happy means so much. What's money to me if I can make hin happy burn it all. 

My aunt asked me if I wanted tickets to go to a football game to go with her and I was almost in tears because...

I don't want to go to a game I just am so happy to see her it's been almost 8 months and me and her have had some real tension this year because she's kinda an idiot at times.  What comes to my mind is this line from one of my favorite songs. 

Life is so unnerving For a servant who's not serving He's not whole without a soul to wait upon. 

My girlfriend gets annoyed at me because she says I should have intrinsic value and not look for approval so much or want to please people as much as I do but it's a part of me. 

I know this is a direct result of being an orphan I want so much to be loved. I would gladly suffer to make someone I remotely care about even a fraction happier. 

When people don't give me tasks to do or to be useful some way I kinda don't trust it. Like what do you want me to do just hang out with you not cook clean entertain or do your work or tutor you. How can I be of service?

 

I will never forget not that long ago one of my so called good friends at school together with me for like 8 months in a program together I tutored them, did all there homework but made sure to go over it with them so they could be ready for tests.

Often brought food and snacks to study secessions to keep them engaged, and of course was unbelievable kind to there family even helping there father with some tasks around the house. 

Yet when they got the qualification they just dropped me like they never even cared.  My girlfriend said that sorta behavior is because of the fact users look for gullible people like me to exploit and that is why she worries so much because I can get easily taken for a ride. 

Yet my view has always been if someone hurts me or takes advantage of me whats the point in being mean back they probably were just that desperate or had their backs against the wall. 

If someone took advantage of me I like to think I at least helped make there life better and ultimately that is my purpose.

  I try to be a tad better about now so as not to keep upsetting people who care about me or make them worried. 

My default view is I am the type of person I wish the world had more of. 

The fact people hurt me or take advantage of me in some way thats a them problem. 

Don't we want a world with more people who assume the good in people put others first try their hardest to be in service to others and make them happy healthier.

 

I will never understand the people who just catch a random picture or one post out of context and assume I am a submissive.

  Don't come out of the nothingness to sexually objectify me it is the surest way to never have access to me. 

I am a above all sexually a demisexual so unless you have won my utmost respect and admiration I want nothing sexual to do with you. 

Additionally I have never felt an attraction to cis het guys. 

 

I am more comfortable with people who have been marginalized for their gender and or sex because it gives me a point of relation.  This helps because I don't have to explain much of what I feel. 

 

As an Intersex gender fluid person with moments of extreme gender dysphoria I don't think most people who haven't felt that on some level can understand.  Believe me I am doing cis het men a favor by not showing a sexual or kink interest in them because we are as far from compatible as any two people can be. 

As for the submissive point I am a switch but that doesn't mean I will sub for anyone. 

More then switch I really am simply a service oriented person who aims to please. 

If I care about someone or a person who earnestly wants my attention I will be glad to play with them if I deem them as trustworthy.

  If they want me to run needles in their body, beat them till they scream, or sensually play with their body with my fire or massage kits these are just some of the ways I dom others. 

Yet for the truly special, the kind of person that I find enjoyable and fully trustworthy I might kneel before you and plead for you to share your joy with me. 

But if I didn't ask or show an interest odds are I'm not into you playing with me. 

Note I don't find BDSM sexual in and of itself.

For me kink doesn't mean sex unless you are my partner and that is an expressed part of the dynamic. 

This shouldn't be difficult to understand. 

The overall dynamic I am most likely to bottom for is rope.  I have a novice skill set in rope so I can't do it myself yet and those who are really notable to me I am quite happy to let them tie me up drag me in a harness hog tie me suspend me it's such a joy. 

 

I am confident enough to admit fully I'm a rope bunny ? aint nothing to it (shaking cotton tail.)  But does that mean I want every individual who ever tied a knot to tie me up? 

Of course not, if I haven't shown an interest in your skills then generally it's safe to assume I have decided we wouldn't be a good fit or I don't know you well enough to feel comfortable with you. 

If you wanna know how to get my positive attention?  Get to know me as a person. It's not a pickup line, a photo, or some bragging that gets my interest. 

Be a genuine person who has interesting things to say that make my heart feel incomplete without your presence in my life. 

 

In my opinion that's kinky.

 As an Italian super taster loving appreciating and creating food that is a reflection of emotions means the world to me. 

 

Many people in my life that are special I have gone out of my way to make a dish that is a reflection of that moment as a way to capture that essence and share it. 

 

An example is I make a tremendous jerk chicken and curry goat. 

 

This is a reflection of my first girlfriend who was a Jamaican Dipomat advisors daughter and I spent 3 summers in a row living in Jamaica. 

Because so many people would rave about it my grandma asked me to make it for her and even though I told her she wouldn't like it her insisting made me and she complained how spicy and tart it was ( chicken washed in vinger rubbed in jerk spices)

  She asked me if I could tone down the spice. 

I said absolutely not! It has to be made authentically or not at all. Whenever I make that dish it reminds me of that special someone and my Jamaican friends. 

I now have a new dish on my list Latkes!  The first time I made latkes was last week I had never heard of the dish.  Eventhough I grew up with relatives who made them and probably at times had them, my brain probably just thought of them as odd tasting hasbrowns.

  Me and my girlfriend had went to a place that apparently specializes in that type of food since 1933! 

So I figured I was about to have my mind blown and yet it tasted like luke warm sorta bland potatoes. ?  She stated they tasted like they were just taken outta of a premade freezer, fried and just reheated. 

The lameness of something I was looking forward to made me say as I live and breath I must make a better version. ?  So I spent hours wathcing food videos reading recipes -- while my girlfriend was sleeping.

Then I did mental visualizations of the layering of the ingredients and concept fusing multiple recipes into the version I think would taste best. 

So last Thursday was the first time i tried it and oh boy was there fun involved -- didn't know it was gonna have blood play!?‍? 

When I was shaving the potatoes the first time the slicer slipped and I shaved a sliver of my finger off! 

I had to then wrap my hand in a bandage and make them with one hand so as to not contaminate the food with my blood.  I also didn't have enough eggs at first for the amount of potatoes. 

so I had to ask my girlfriend to crack eggs for me as i tried to mix them with one hand it was a disaster.?

  The first one attempted exploded into three parts because I didn't cook it long enough before flipping. 

Also I tried to cook them in a wok which wasn't the best choice. 

Yet even with all that set back latkes had promise. 

Today my second attempt were absolutely delicious.  Without cutting part of my finger off, swaping breadcrumbs for panko bread crumbs, getting more water out of em in better wringing technique, adding a tiny bit more onion, adding more salt, and cooking them in a cast iron skillet-- oh my gosh everyone went nuts. 

I can't believe in less then 4 days of trying to master a dish I can safely say my latkes crush the ones that I had a restaurant known for them. 

One of the reasons I love cooking is like any Italian I believe food is one of the most important experiences in life. 

Every time I make latkes it is now linked to the woman who introduced them to me. 

People often joke and say the secret ingredient in food is love. I will be far more descriptive the secret ingredient is taking pride in what you do and caring about the final product. 

For some it's love that drives them, for me its to honor my heritage, my drive to excel at what I do, and my genuine joy in bringing happiness to others. 

Good food can put a smile on almost anyones face and being able to do that is a gift to everyone.

I usually live with my girlfriend on weekends. But this time I spent a week with her and it was better than I expected.

Usually when we spent extended time together it was visiting her family and had lots of driving or stress but this was the normal environment.

On the last day I made her fresh waffles and dinner from scratch.

Well sorta, it was a waffle batter but it came out really tasty I sprinkled some large salt crystals in the waffle batter, when you take a bite sometimes it just hit with this random pow of flavor I was really impressed ?.

She likes salty things so I figured it couldn't hurt it.

Now I have to get back to other obligations, and am not able to see her for abit.

I know that's gonna be hard on her.

I have bitched quite often when I'm upset but how often do people praise when it goes well?

I wasn't looking for a girlfriend when she sorta pressed the issue but now that she's in my life -- it is nice that she's around.

There are lots of unknowns such as when I get into medical school will it be too far and cause a natural break up.

I know she's worried about that but would never want to get in my educations way.