Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Dear Professor, 

I gained enough skill to be paid to do public magic shows and play instruments for entertainment; I played in Carnegie Hall and was a competitive pro at multiple games.

I couldn't do that if I wasn't open to seeing my mistakes and using them to keep enhancing my skills.

I personally believe talent is overrated. You can have all the talent in the world, yet without hard work and endless commitment, you are just like everyone else. 

The deeper question is, why do I have this obsession to push myself to near perfection when other people seem perfectly ok with coming in second or phoning in half-backed work? 

It is pathological from being an orphan without family I sought praise from being the best at things. From the first time I stood in front of a group of people to read my poetry as a 7-year-old and had people captivated by my talents, the praise, the applause, the recognition, it was there as a shallow plug for my inner void where most people had the safety blanket of love and family.

I just have my goals. 

Thus where, as most people going to a class it is a means to an end. I am suffering to be the greatest at everything I do. My talent is the only thing that matters; as I live and breathe, I have one thing left to achieve: be the greatest me ever, which means it doesn't matter if I am sick and tired, if I got no sleep for seven days straight, doesn't matter if I study till I cry, because at the end I have another A to add to my collection.

Another moment where I knew I did the best I could and that for one more moment, I proved to myself and someone judging me that my self-abuse of overwork was worth it because I impressed yet another person. 

(name removed for the internet) , no one cares who I am or what I have to say. If they did, it would already be outlawed to have non-consenting genital mutilation on intersex children.

The treatment of orphans and poor children with talent but no support would be something our country better accounted for.

I had genius level tests in grade school when being tested for accommodations, yet did anyone care I grew up underprivileged, and when other students got to focus on college, I had to pull shifts at a local laundry mat and cleaning company of which both fired me for trying to teach the Spanish workers English and talking to them about labor rights in the state of New York as I would often go to sleep hungry and unloved.

  If the deep reflection and honest answer of who I am is not the answer you seek a reflection for and what I think of the feedback here is a more typical answer to the question you asked. 

Most of the students gave quite superficial feedback that had very little that was actionable. For the first speech, the main issue they had was my ADHD movement and need to move, so I addressed that by sitting for the following two speeches.

The second speeches main criticism were the lighting the poor biography and a weak ending.

As I noticed everything that was mentioned, I incorporated it to make the final presentation better. Was it perfect ? Actually, as mentioned, I still needed to get used to using citations in the manner it was for this class, so if I could do it again, would it be better?

Of course. Additionally I feel although I had a dynamic tone it was off putting to some students I think if I dialed it back 10 % it would have been just as impactful yet maybe reached more people? 

It's hard to say because the topic is so important to me. The inflections are me harnessing my emotional truth, and when speaking from the heart, I was already working so hard to contain it.

  I answered this question both ways.

My first shift driving an ambulance alone ( EMT 3 years but always teched) 

The previous crew had generic Christmas music, ?I changed it to the classic rock station. ?‍? 

One call got odd when the patient in the back scramed "What the heck you playing girl ⁉️" 

The songs included on her trip -- ? 

Highway to hell, It's the time of your life, high hopes, last resort, free falling, It's the end of the world -- as we know it. 

I guess the patient in the back didn't appreciate the DJ of the rock stations song selection -- I thought it was cool. ?️ 

I changed the channel anything for patient comfort but after her the rock music went back on. ?

Hand disphora is real, I think on some level it hits deeply that certain hands look and feel masculine or feminine. 

When I was younger I once was forced by my mom to do a hand model ad ick. 

I have long fingers but dainty hands visually it makes me uncomfortable.  Since I work as an EMT I need gloves all the time. 

The standard sizes you will see most locations is small, medium, large, and extra large. 

Some brands I can put on the mediums and they might have a little slack but mostly fit but other brands are just way to loose to give me a safe grip and seal so I have to chuck those and put on small gloves. 

I never know what my ambulance nursing home or hospital is going to have and the act of having to do that is such a reminder of my hands not being as big as I'd like.

  Almost every time I have a moment where it's like ugh ? why do I have small hands as I throw out medium gloves. 

When I'm punching through boards or helping to lift 300 pound plus people up multiple flights of stairs my hands feel powerful. 

Yet when I have to put on the smallest gloves in the hospital after throwing out the mediums it just causes a little shiver.

Not to mention people are expecting me to get to work and it feels like they are staring at me puzzled.

  As if in their heads saying you don't know your glove size? 

I would expect that after all these years I'd be over it but it does make me self conscious.

A recent study reports

"Those who experience adverse childhood experiences may engage in the pursuit of muscularity to compensate for experiences where they once felt inferior, small, and at risk, as well as to protect against future victimization,"

I never been that worried about muscles but I have shown an obsession with martial arts, been studying since 7 have two black belts go ji and kempo a brown belt Japanese jujutsu two green belts judo and itf taekwondo.

The start was as an abused child I never wanted to be in the position where someone could hurt me again and I'd be defensless. I didn't associate muscles with protection from victimisation but having combative martial arts skills.

I rarely have had cause to use them outside of the dojo/ dojang but there have been moments. Did the amount of effort I put into being able to knock out grown men equal a worthy allocation of time. I think yes but I am sure others would disagree.

CW: self abuse, gender dysphoria 

I have not once but twice had to go to the hospital over self abuse. One was when I attempted to burn my cliterous off because it bothered me. Well ends up once I got through the hood I passed out. 

The only signs it ever happened besides my memories is I have a scar going through the hood making a hole. 

The second time is anytime I had any sexual desires I would use painful stimulation to associate pain and discomfort with sexual stimulation.

I would bite the inside of my mouth often until it bleed and that killed the mood for me. 

Yet the many times I did it over the years created such thick scar tissue in my mouth that it was like having massive rock hard stones.

In 2019 it got so bad that I could barely eat properly and I had to have a surgery where they cut the inside of my mouth and removed the scar tissue.

  Why did I do this?  I think the main contributing factors were: hating the fact I was female bodied. I never wanted to have an Intersex condition that caused me to develop female internals. My family made me feel really horrible for not responding to treatments to encourage masculine development. Mixed with intense feelings of Catholic bullshit around sex and arousal I used to very much believe that I shouldn't have sex with anyone until I married them and such and felt those desires were not helpful in me achiving my goals so I tried to disapline myself. 

Lastly and perhaps most of all even though in most aspects of my life I am a pretty in control dominant type who usually handles things. Sex is the one area where not only I am often nervous but not confident. So if something scares you and feels weird it makes sense to try and avoid it.

  Now after being in a relationship for the first time in forever if anything things have gotten less negative but I still have issues. 

I have come to a truce with my body I genuinely enjoy having my body. I haven't abused it in roughly 2 years when I made a promise to a friend I'd stop. 

I might have a lower sex drive compared to most but when I love someone I can express myself sexually like most people. 

Yet this has created tension between me and my girlfriend because there have been times I was interested and she wasn't. That's a new issue for me since in past relationships I was so not interested they usually would beg me to show them attention.

  Its not quite a shoe on the other foot though since I just generally have been starting to just think of my girlfriend not as a sexual relationship anymore.

I don't think sexual love is that meaningful at least I never had that in my life. So to me it's been like oh we're not having sex anymore ok and I'm ready to move on sexually. 

I think the thing that surpised me the most was how much I enjoyed getting ravished by my girlfriend. I never before trusted someone enough or was willing to let someone top me. Having been abused and uncomfortable in my body sorta explains it. 

Yet one of the first times she was with me she rolled me over choked me into my pillow face down ass up and spread my legs. If you could have asked me what I'd enjoy sexually the idea of being dominated like that would have been the farthest thing from my mind.

  I had always been a switch as far as BDSM goes but I didn't know that sexually I had any interest in being taken like that. 

I think for me it was the obvious passion from my partner the way she slowly built the moment until she had me at peak receptiveness and knowing I was curious she went for it.  It definitely gave me some new things to consider about sex my body my identity. 

There are days I wish I didn't know more about myself like ok fine so my body enjoys sex with someone I love how did that help me in any meaningful way?  Additionally as much as I rejected in the past having a female body it gives me pleasure sexually and makes it idiotic to ignore going forward. 

The saying when life gives you lemons comes to mind. Did I want a female body no but as far as bodies go this is the one I have and as such I shouldn't hate it for being itself.

  I think probably the weirdest thought was most my life I wished I was male. (Note due to my Intersex condition I can't respond to testosterone so I was locked into typical female body development.)  Only recently I reflected and if I had a wish it would be to not have been so hard on myself for having the body I do my negativity about it only made my life worse.

It is bizarre that the obvious needs to stated but just because you think certain things are over stated in the public that doesn't mean it isn't a real condition.

I have ADHD anyone who knows me has witnessed signs from the eager way I approach people to my generally high energy all the time and the fact I often can throw myself into something to only be distracted by the slightest redirection.

Because of this I have been given scripts that I am supposed to use to help manage when it gets out of hand.

Yet even with all this knowledge and me being very transparent about having this condition it often gets disrespected.

ADHD was triggered in my youth in part because of invasive operations done on me in my infacy since general anesthesia has been shown to trigger it in youth.

Yet I still get people judging me, mocking me, and saying discriminatory comments like ADHD isn't real, it's an excuse to do drugs, You're just a flaky fuck up.

Yet that's one side of the negatives I also get the flip negatives.

You'd be surprised at how many people mock my "supposed" intelligence, I had coworkers call me a clown to my face simply because I try to make work fun in healthcare by doing magic tricks and juggling for kids to cheer them up ( if anything I'm a magician get your derision of me correct. ?‍?)

People also think it's inventive to say "what drugs are you on?" Or I'll have some what shes on, or lay off the coffee geez, yet in reality this is me on medication that makes me feel tried and exhausted but my innate hyperness keeps me wired.

Yet with all the mocking for my positivity and desire to bring joy and fun with my energy I guess it's a backhanded compliment. Since most people are miserable and grumpy so someone who's high spirited naturally makes people hate me.

You know back when I worked as a dealer in a casino I sometimes had patrons complaining that I was too loud ?.

If you ever been to a casino it blasts music with endless slots machines making all manner of chaos, tvs blasting random sports and other shows not to mention who knows how many conversations ongoing simultaneously.

But somehow it was me who created the noise problem.

I am tried of apologizing for having ADHD some of my first memories were my grandmother trying to hold my shaking legs and slapping me across the face screaming at me to stop fidgeting.

ADHD has real world costs heck I forgot to put in the paper work for my degree this semester. So now I have to wait till next one. People should be more understanding that just because someone is hyper and tries to be lighthearted and happy that doesn't mean it's your job to try and crush there spirit because you're miserable.

Support the Trevor Project as a Counselor

Specific Purpose: To persuade my audience to become counselors for the Trevor Project regularly. 

Central Idea: LGBTIQ youth have a suicide epidemic. Action is necessary, and having someone to talk to has been shown to reduce rates of self-harm and depression. The Trevor Project, with its ability to connect at-risk youth with counselors, provides a path towards being part of the solution.

INTRODUCTION

Attention Getter: A grim fact: suicide is one of the leading causes of death in America. According to the NIH, 4.8% of adults age 18 and older had serious thoughts about suicide in 2021. Meanwhile, in that same period, as reported by USA Today, a staggering 45% of LGBTIQ youth considered attempting suicide.

Credibility Statement: As an LGBTIQ individual who works in advocacy and helps mod discussion forums and counsel queer youth, I have a true passion for this work and am aware of the need.

Preview: There is a uniquely disproportionate amount of suicide ideation among LGBTIQ youth. These problems are pervasive families and society can contribute. One offering of the Trevor Project is the ability to reach an individual is putting them in contact who is cleared to communicate with gay youth. It has been reported on the Project’s website that interaction can reduce suicide attempts by 40%. The Project responds to calls, chats, and texts. I seek to persuade others to become counselors, which will directly assist the Project’s mission of tackling the problem of suicidal ideation among LGBTIQ youth.

Transition to body: Understanding that LGBTIQ individuals have a significantly higher rate of suicide ideation as compared to the general population.

BODY I. A disproportionate amount of LGBTIQ youth consider and attempt suicide as compared to the general population. People should care because, with such a high rate of suicide ideation and suicide attempts, many individuals’ lives are needlessly harmed. 

A. Many LGBTIQ youth face struggles when living with a family that does not accept their queer identity, McDaid and O’Connor state in the journal Social Science & Medicine. They need to find ways to express this side of themselves, yet at the same time sufficiently conceal it, or even outright hide it, so as to minimize conflict. 

Neighmond points out in the NPR article “Home but not safe, some LGBTQ young people face rejection from families in lockdown,” conflicts were exacerbated for many during the pandemic lockdown when, after finding freedom to express themselves while living in college dorms, they had to return home for extended periods and not all relatives were accepting. 

B. When influential forces in society brand LGBTIQ people as different and objectionable, in contrast to desired norms of gender conformity, suicidal ideations and attempts can be a response to the resultant stigma and oppression, according to McDaid and O’Connor in the journal Social Science & Medicine.

C. The World Health Organization reports that suicide is the second leading cause of death among 15- to 29-year-olds. The National Institutes of Health stated that “4.8% of adults aged 18 and older in the United States had serious thoughts about suicide in 2021.” That is one in every twenty adults. At the same time, 2.7% of young adults, age 18 to 25 years, actually attempted suicide – the highest percentage for any age group.  The statistics rise dramatically, however, when looking at LGBTIQ teens. In February, USA Today, citing a CDC study, reported persistent feelings of sadness in 69% of teens, with 45% having considered attempting suicide. Further, 37% said they had planned how to commit suicide and 22% said they had in fact attempted suicide. 

Transition to Main Point II: Acknowledging LGBTIQ youth have a mental health epidemic, it is important to support organizations that seek to combat this trend.

II. Actively supporting LGBTIQ youth reduces rates of suicidal ideation and suicide.

A. The Trevor Project has already built the network and awareness in the population to help this need. The Project is a major provider of crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTIQ youth. The website is available with information and support any time of the day.

B. Charity Watch, an independent evaluator of nonprofit organizations, has assigned the Trevor Project an A- rating, making it a top-rated charity. It reports that the Trevor Project uses more than 76% of its finances for direct help to clients in its mission and beats the benchmarks for good governance and transparency.

C. The Trevor Project website communicates the process for people to onboard as available counselors. It also notes that it has a large need for volunteers in the chat/text digital program as the communication service of choice for most youth.

D. The Trevor Project website notes, “Acceptance from at least one adult can decrease the risk of LGBTQ youth attempting suicide by 40%.” According to the site, volunteers have answered more than 200,000 calls, chats, and texts during the past year. 

CONCLUSION Transition to Conclusion:  After having established that there is a unique mental health strain on the LGBTIQ community’s youth, moral individuals naturally would want to assist. 

Summary: The Trevor Project is one organization already focused on the task of suicide prevention and mental health wellness for LGBTIQ youth. The Trevor Project estimates more than 1.8 million LGBTIQ youth are seriously considering suicide this year. Through crisis services and peer support as a counselor, you can directly combat this atrocious situation. It is easy to get involved. All that is required: a passion for supporting LGBTIQ youth, being 18 years old, located in the United States, and committing some time every week. Currently their greatest need is for volunteers willing to man the chat/text/digital program, because the youth are more likely to reach out digitally than through legacy methods, such as phone and email.

Works Cited: 

For young LGBTQ LIVES. The Trevor Project. (2023, November 20).

Marzetti, H., McDaid, L., & O’Connor, R. (2022). “Am I really alive?”: Understanding the role of homophobia, Biphobia and transphobia in young LGBT+ People’s suicidal distress. Social Science & Medicine, 298, 114860.

Neighmond, P. (2020, May 17). Home but not safe, some LGBTQ young people face rejection from families in lockdown. NPR.

Petras, G., Loehrke, J., & Bravo, V. (2023, February 24). Girls, LGBQ+ Teens at higher risk for depression, CDC Mental Health Report says. USA Today.  Suicide.

World Health Organization. (2023, August 28).

Trevor Project. CharityWatch. (n.d.).

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Suicide. National Institute of Mental Health.

Live a good life.

If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.

If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

Marcus Aurelius

Day 21

Like many people I traveled yesterday,my girlfriend convinced me to come visit her family.

Today I kinda wish I was working I could be saving lives instead I am trying to make her and her family happier  I live to make things better for others.

Yet in reality that isn't something I seem to be able to achieve on a personal level not to mention can't I do more good on an ambulance then helping someone cook a turkey?

Born crying no comfort

Left for months to rot

Taken only for fiduciary gain

Treated worse than a prisoner  

Starved, malnourished, abused

Soul broken I serve

Yet my service diminished

As not a greatful word heard 

The social delusion of 

Norman Rockwell jubilee

Was always forbidden from me

How could one buy in as an orphan 

Hell isn't fire and brimstone

Its the cold unfeeling world

When when I die 

Not a tear shall fall 

Walk over my body

Don't bother averting your gaze 

Ashes my only value 

Since my words and deeds 

have no weight

I longlying await my last gasp

Unafraid of eternity