Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Day 3

Well, these are some of the least addressed areas in society. I have felt the pain in my own life and those around me by these not being addressed, and as such, I think it is essential to help raise awareness of these issues and, be open to discussing them.

One of the most freeing things I ever did was also the most painful. A few years ago I contacted everyone I knew and on all my social media and told them I was intersex. Not only that but in my life, I was abused both by my family and medical people on my path to where I am no express details. After the typical bouts of, Wow, that’s so incredible, well, we support you and are glad you are still here and pushing forward. Do you know what happened ultimately? Almost the majority of my friends at that time distanced themselves from me. It wasn’t as evident as a get-out of my life. It was a slow drift as if boats coasted along waves being pushed apart.

At Times, I would want to hang out or have conversations with my friends. Things that were common before slowly faded until the people mostly just vanished, and those who were left either didn’t care, cared and were supportive, or wanted something out of me only. I decided it was not only this pain of false friendship and community I wanted to avoid again but that the people who stayed were not only better quantitatively so I should seek to meet people like this. (with hopes on avoiding the users)

At least I could always be myself around people who knew I was intersex as out without worry if I say something too revealing about my past or felt awkward about something typically normal for females I’d be shunned. I could just be honest and tell them what was going on.

It did hurt though and, the aftermath is felt because I still, on occasion, make friends or think a particular coworker is pretty cool, and then when I share my intersex and pro-trans status, it has mixed results but all too often negative.

Recently, at a job I am moving on from that I will probably talk about in an upcoming journal, I came out simply as a lesbian. In reality, my issue is that I have a ban on cis het men because I prefer being with people who can relate to me, and as a demisexual, it’s crucial for me to establish emotional relationships for attraction.

NOTE: This isn’t like something I just out and out shared with no context. This was a typical get-to-know-you conversation where people shared what they liked in partners and found attractive. Yet that admission of myself got spread around, and people started to not only out me but confront me for being a lesbian and liberal radical. Now, maybe in some ways that’s true, but I was the same person they were friendly with before that public admission, and we can chat and work together in harmony, yet once that was general knowledge, the rift was on. I even had coworkers often joke with me about it in sexist and demeaning ways, also making the obvious old challenges put on lesbians. Well, if only I met the right man, or that maybe I am the closed-minded one, and that it is I who am bigoted against “real men” ...

You know, I don’t understand why my preferences for partners and my desire to believe that living openly should not only be allowed but not scrutinized is looked at as a “agenda”. I mean, people don’t mind talking about their relationships openly, dates, weddings, babies, romances, even public displays of affection. It is all fair game. Yet I want those same opportunities to live an equitable life, and it is not only dashed but actively punished for pushing towards it.

As I stated in a earlier post once mere blocks from my apartment me and my girlfriend were harassed for what being too warm to each other in my car as we were driving home?

I want to make clear that political gains and fairness in the law are essential, but so are the little battles like being able to live in peace or have the right to be ourselves in public.
I wish for a day I can invite my partner to my job and hug her and introduce her with the same respect and dignity that is afforded cis-hetero couples. Anti gay people argue that we want to flaunt it and why we need our parades, do they not see they parade their lives daily and are supported by culture enmass?

When they freak out that maybe once Disney might have a minor character that is coded as queer. Well, they don’t freak out at the 99% of media that is heteronormative. Yet still, LGBTIQ identifying population tracts about 15% of those who want to freak out and say anything positive is the cause is outrageous because I have never once been made this way if anything my family my catholic upbrining the media I watched have always made me feel like it is wrong or unnatural the way I feel.

There are so few positive role models in the media for LGBTIQQA youth. I mean, I mention being intersex a lot because I feel more people need to be aware of it. Right now think of even one mainstream figure who has been used to represent intersex people other than medical oddity shows, or horror movies.

Do you know that the most famous intersex character in any media is Sadako Yamamura (Samara) of the Ring. Why did they even need to make her intersex in the first place? Could it be to make her more alien evil and othered. People are going to be born with variants of all kinds, some physical, some mental, some emotional. Society should strive to be more open to the epic density of life and not seek to crush it or oppress it.

I see people open to being themselves and expressing themselves as kindred spirits. I decided not to hide or be ashamed of who I am. Even though it costs me, I will not stop being vocal because I know visibility is essential and that if I speak out, it helps others realize not only are they not alone but that it is a thing they one day can do in their own way.

Also, I hope to win hearts and minds that maybe a world that is less judgmental and more accepting can exist, but it has been shown the key to tearing down divides is you need to first be aware of people who are human and are impacted by ignorance. If you have ever met me, you now know of at least one intersex person, and we are not a monolith ie no one person speaks for any group, but know I tried to share with you what I go through.

Hopefully, if you ever hear people talk about trans and or intersex issues, something I shared makes you just that much more informed than the absolutely nothing of substance most people vapidly share about the matter.

 I just was made aware of multiple studies that show a strong connection between ADHD and generalized anesthesia for infants. 

like many Intersex children I was operated on before I even have memory they do that on purpose because many doctors and families think its important for the child to properly adjust. 

This is very much bullshit based on behaviorism and the "Money" method. These are a doctors who believed that you can guide someone to a path if you intervene soon enough. 

Well not only did there interventions not take in my case it led to many issues including having a problem with physically being female like the only reason I have this body is because I'm a medical failure or something.

  What's so infuriating is I been in such obvious denial I even had ADHD most my life and now to some to realize that my families fear of me perhaps not having clearly defined genitals by social expectations amoung all the other issues it has caused is also a part of why I have ADHD. 

The overall inhumanity, why don't the medical communities or families listen to intersex people and just leave us alone until we decide what is right for our bodies. 

The crisis they respond to have such devastating impact and the overwhelming majority of these operations are just cosmetic. 

What's even more sick when they sell these options are they saying oh by the way your child: might not be the sex or gender we suggest, the operations will raise the likelihood of ADHD, there is a risk for sterilization, there is the ability for them to lose sensation and never orgasm, none of these operations need to be done until they had more time to develop and have a say. 

You know as of right now only two hospitals in the United states banned cosmetic operations in infants.  How is this something that is so clearly cruel and immoral not only going on but actively encouraged for parents to engage in. 

The struggle for body autonomy and authority is real.  Many individuals love to talk of parental rights over there kids but what about people who look out for the children and this very thing is why I know the so called anti trans bigots are full of it. 

They want to stop people who actively seek inventions and keep them from having a say till they are dead. But these same bigots carve out every exception under the sun to ensure that intersex can still go under the knife before we can even say a word. 

Do not believe anyone who tell you its about the children its not or else I wouldn't have been operated on. It is about it trying to maintain cisgender heteronormativity by any means. So for people who are born obviously outside the gender binary make them fit. For those who discover it later in life deny them access. 

What's even more ironic that both trans and Intersex face the same oppression denyed the same virtue of self determination but they try to force us against one another.  I for one won't fall for it and neither should anyone else. 

No Intersex doesn't cause ADHD narrow minded people who violate infants right to self determination contribute to ADHD

  1 of 30 blogs in a row. I have done tasks like this before with mixed results. I want to reflect each night before bed and put down my thoughts.  I am making them public because if anyone wants to comment, so be it. I will probably reply because I enjoy chatting with people. 

This is for me primarily, and that is why it shall be done.  First, I think a combination of People at my current job I am leaving soon treating me poorly, Many so-called friends in my life being generally bizarre and hard to understand, and my current girlfriend being so off-putting to me at times it has been hard to process all of this at the moment.  The issue with my girlfriend is that she is not used to people actively trying to love and care for her, and since she takes poor care of herself, that has put us at odds with that. The logical answer is to say, well, it's her life. If she doesn't want to eat healthy, work out, or take care of her emotional well-being, that is her business.

I agree to a point, I also agree, as someone who cares for her and about her well-being, that I do not feel it is improper to accept that what is currently is how it has to be and that I should encourage her to take better care of herself. Maybe I am not doing it the best way but I am trying doesn't making an effort count? 

When I asked her what she loved about herself, it took her almost three weeks to think of the first thing. I can talk for hours about the great qualities she has. This isn't me calling her out. If anything, this is more me complaining to the ether why can't I help her take care of herself better or care about herself more? Why can't I make her see that the cumulative impact of poor health conditions is holding her back from many things she misses in life and part of what it is hard to get up and her poor performance in tasks is that she is unwell?

  It is apparent I care so much when I see someone hurting. I want to make it better. I mean, you don't dedicate your life to healthcare saving lives and being an outspoken activist for LGBTIQ rights while also being so public about your life and struggles without wanting to make people's lives better and then not care about the people around you. 

One of the reasons I enjoy being an EMT is I am called, I show up, I size up the task, and then execute the task, and I am generally someone's support or hero. It feels good to know someone had a better life because of my direct and deliberate actions. 

Yet why does it seem when it gets into my circle, that skill ends? So many people I know are their worst enemies, and I can be the voice of reason. No matter how much I sound the alarm bell and offer all kinds of support, anything that they could ask for to assist in the end, often I see so little effort to improve.

  My mom couldn't help her. 

My friend K and I just had a conversation that after a year of offering him personal training once a week for free, maybe we need time off because he hasn't made his health the priority it needs to be. 

My friend R I have offered so much advice it almost makes me wonder why I bother; here's an example: a few months ago, he was like, you know what? I want to walk 3-5 miles every day like you tend to do. I was like, hun, you haven't trained in a long time. You're out of shape and have diabetes. It would be best to moderate that and slowly build over time to what your body can tolerate. He said, " You constantly nag I should do stuff now when I want to. You are telling me no. I was like, it's not that it's about building intelligently and loading how your body can handle not going to the extreme too fast, especially since you also have disabilities. Will anyone be surprised he didn't listen? 

In less than three weeks, he was missing work and laid up because he put a hole in his foot, which led to a cascade of health issues. 

I say things to people because I care, and I can often anticipate how their actions are not in their best interest, especially if it's in my area of expertise mental and physical health, and yet I have to watch them run into the wall and try my best to patch up the pieces. 

There is a saying sometimes you have to let people learn the hard way, and I guess I have been guilty of that myself, but when I see people harming themselves, I wish there was something more I could do. 

What's coming to my mind is in RPGS, I always played clerics and healers. I would do everything I could to keep the party up, even for one more second; that was always important. It's interesting how, in many ways, the same obsessive passion to try and improve the lives of people around me at all costs, if possible, has continued into my real life. Yet what used to be virtual or on a table top now has real disappointment attached when I can't help my patients or, even worse, the people I love.

Trouble Sleeping 11/ 

My mind toils I never been so conflicted in all my life. My "primary" once said they think I am in love with the idea of them more so then who they are.

I been wondering from that moment if it is true. I when I was a first grader my best friend was a kid named mickloush not sure how you spell it. He was the ambassadors son to Yugoslavia. Growing up in New Rochelle which is literally 2 stops on the new Haven line from NYC it wasn't uncommon.

He was also brilliant when other kids were struggling to read magic school bus we would compare favorite greek authors and help eachother work on algebra together.

Yet he went back with his family and died during the war that broke up that country. Even thinking about him I am starting to cry he had so much potential and yet probably a random bomb or stray bullet put an end to it.

I will never get to see him again but I always thought oh well if I date anyone I want them to be as smart as me. I didn't realize how lucky I was meeting him right off the bat because the second time I interacted with someone close to that level of intellect it was Safi who was the daughter of an advisor to Jamaica's top diplomats. I met her in highschool right before walking into a movie theater she was alone looked out of place and was awkward.

If you ever met me you know I love and am always excited to meet people she still didn't have many friends and well I decided to jump at the chance to be friend her share new york with her and eventually come to date her.

Little did I know she was going to invite me back to Jamaica and I was going to spend the summer living with her and her family and then spend the next two summers going down and staying with her friends that became my friends. Yet why didn't I stay with her simple she didn't want me. Her rejection of me in part because of my inability to address my intersex condition and that I was not merely a feminine looking male but actually had female body parts internally was kinda something I didn't know how to address I mean how do you say that to someone you love.

Since then everyone I dated missed the first desire of mine someone as intelligent as me. That sorta is what led to the 11 years without dating I just figured one day when I finish my education maybe someone will emerge who knows.

Did I expect or ask for someone now at this very moment of course not. Infact if anything I used to plead with her to make this a platonic friendship yet she insisted on trying.

Here we are only the third genius I been in a relationship with that alone is remarkable but here is where it gets inconceivable.

She's not only as smart or smarter than me

She's kinky

She's trustworthy

She's surprisingly loving

She's way more sexy

She's protective of me

She's funny

She's driven to contribute to science

I don't think I've dated someone I have more respect for being willing to ditch a well compensated comfortable life to be a starving researcher all in the hopes of making an impact on humanity forever.

Yet as much as I love her the harder I try to cheer her up or suggest that maybe she isn't taking care of herself I come across as pest.

Literally she has told me of three things she dreamed about I helped make all three of them come true as soon as she mentioned it was my imperative.

Yet like in the first 4 months we met and I tried to cheer her up and ended up getting the cold shoulder even as her lover trying my absolute hardest to make her life better I get treated like an idiot and often even berated for the attempts to improve her life.

One would expect someone in healthcare with degrees and training that make me especially understanding and me only fighting for her to genuinely try to improve things for her own benefit and what am I in her eyes but unhelpful.

Everyday that passes I realize she genuinely doesn't want to be helped or cheered up or even be cared about. The intense loner vibes so vicious that it often makes me feel I am unwelcome in my own apartment.

What I also find a bit depressing while I have been more then willing and often helpful in her studies when I attempted to incorporate her into my area of work not only did she not play well she outright attacked my focus on grades and performance.

Granted she has her priorities but one would think a 3.9 GPA 3 degrees and multiple talents would make my opinion and method worth something. Yet not to her the fact that I have been always doing it with eyes for medical school that I see ever class project even job and volunteering as just one step climbing the ladder to becoming a higher level provider to her is not worthy of respect.

You know I didn't go to college at all until 28 it was when I realized how horrible the treatment I was getting for my condition and how I felt my grandmother as she was dying if cancer was being treated.

I didn't want to become a Doctor for money or prestige it was the lack of providers who genuinely cared.

Working as a medical assistant for a time on a hospitals float team I have worked with over 15 different doctors and I can genuinely say only 3 of them viewed it as anything more then a job.

So internally I know now from a wider sample how rare it is for medical providers yo give a damn I am sorry that I think the profession needs People who are drawn for moral purpose and willing to not only give back to the community but help service the LGBTIQQAA+ community as someone who comes from it and has struggles. Heck I also learned sign language so I could converse with deaf patients even though it's years away from me ever having one of my own.

I believe that is a mission I need to complete and therefore every class I am in it's merely a hurdle to be conquered on the way towards my goal.

Yet where I think she's incredible for me my views on the world my desire to please her and even my desire to advocate for her to treat herself better makes me wonder why can I not succeed.

Oh well it wasn't in my ultimate plan yo be in a relationship at this time in my life. She is just the first person I was willing to derail everything for because I know she's irrefutably irreplaceable. Yet that doesn't mean we're compatible. If anything she recently told me that maybe I should be with someone who can appreciate me and what I do for them.

I don't know what to do as far as this relationship is concerned but my very nature is if I love someone I constantly want to make there lives better I am a people pleaser in my DNA. Yet the person I am with doesn't want that from me and as such I feel rejected even though I am with them.

This is why at 3:06 I sit in the dark crying thinking even when I have another remarkable person in my life that ultimately I have failed again. It is only a matter of time and it hurts.

I learned something about myself tonight. I am not sure I want to be a parent but I am open to it and I don't know how that can reconcile with someone's I loves opinion.

Something's in life are binary for me being as spectrum base as all get out it's shocking to see that.

I haven't decided if I wanted to try to use emerging technology to assist with DNA implantation or simply adopt as so many queer children are abused and unwanted like I was.

My mom echoed it many times if I treat you like this do you think a stanger would do any better. Kept me under her thumb as a child.

Right now I am still very focused on school. I always thought I would revisit this topic once I graduate and have the time to raise a child.

I think tonight is telling in how I'm currently feeling the thought that I don't even get that choice is hurty.

I guess that means I lean towards wanting children one day.

I don't know if I'd feel so strongly if I wasn't forcibly sterilized or if society wasn't so negative towards queer children many do need love and support.

Something you might not know the Hershey's had issues conceiving and they felt people who took there children for granted or abused them weren't fit because of the gift they had. They opened a massive orphanage that still operates to this day trying to give the youth a loving safe place to develop.

I know that I have no use for money, born to a poor single mother I dont have expensive tastes.

Thus becoming a higher level provider when my education is done will pay more then I can use. The thought of wanting to take that and do my best to help others drives me.

I remember so many days I had hoped and prayed someone would help me and it merely echoed into a dark night.

It is said be the change you wanna see. I wanna see more people give a shit and do whatever can be done to make others lives better.

I am tried and silently crying -- goodnight.

Most my life being intersex it was hard to relate to people. Usually judgement misunderstandings and an overall inability to treat me like a human being made it difficult.

As I mentioned before I am Intersex and like many Intersex, my family decided to have me corrected near birth to have more aesthetic genitals the only issue is they chose wrong.

How do you tell your friends when you are growing up oh my family tried to have me be male but turns out internally I was female --surprise.

Part of the reason I am so awkward is that I had to have my non functional phallus removed so it's odd and clearly I didn't have the normal upbringing for a female.

I will never forget when highschool was like Ice you need to go into the female gym class.

I was adamant there's no way in hell I'm doing that, I'd rather continue to be picked on by males (binding breasts can only go so far when you have F breasts)

Well it wasn't my choice -- but what was within my power not going to gym at all!

On my highschool grades my gym credits come after all other classes because I had my martial arts training substituted in.

I always felt weird and out of place. I understand the world doesn't have an easy way to deal with intersex people who get improper treatment at birth.

Yet what am I supposed to do?

I might have a female body but like an animal imprinted I thought I was male at first. (certainly had some questions before puberty)

I only recently started coming to terms with the fact my body is based off the base model female.

Never in my wildest dreams figured my life would take this course as a child and young teenager.

Additionally how would you like me to respond to experiences from medical abuse. The medical community removed my ovaries because they were a cancer risk I didn't even know I had ovaries at the time. 😭

Consent never asked or given.

For all the awkwardness and general discomfort in my body I have been treated the best ever from my local queer scene.

When you're not cis or trans but a third type it can feel like you have no where you belong.

Thanks for making feel welcomed even if I'm different and have body issues.

I sit with thoughts blazing why did I ever forsake my BDSM interest.

I feel the route is since I was always more sadistic a part of me almost felt wrong to do what others asked.

I like many was bullied as a child. It wasn't just school peers, it was family most of all my parents, and even the medical establishment.

I felt a lack of power almost all my young life it's why I started martial arts to feel I had a way to stop the abuse.

I never wanted to be or do that in other people's headspace. The fear I might hurt someone even accidentally always caused a genuine concern.

To have an individual associate me with a bully made me always ask explicitly what people wanted and perform said tasks.

Negotiation and knowing people's limits and wants are good.

Yet to look at it as a check list to be marked off and then handed back can feel hallow.

I tried to be the perfect experience yet lost opportunities to create art together.😕

People seemed to like me and I am greatful, yet the enjoyment wasn't where it could be for me and others.

Only upon deep reflection have I started to realize its because I lacked intimacy,

An exchange, the fact a laundry list might be an important guide on what to do but how one links experiences shares in the moment, even opens up to the potential joy and release matters.

The people I play with should have an exchange that can only come from me.

One who opts to play with me should get to know and explore my nature.

We all have chosen to be honest with a part of ourselves that is taboo culturally.

I believe it is important to also display our vulnerabilities and truly be genuine. When someone is greatful for my presence in their life I am most grateful to be alive.

Still an orphan at heart looking for love.

A true vampire 🩸

I died ages ago
I can't even say I wish it wasn't so
Discarded my place is not of this world

I cry into the night alone
Silence echos back

reactively, I flinch
a truth buries deep inside peacefully

You knew all along smiles this wide
Are the masks, with which one hide.

Thump, thump, my blood pumps
The bile spreads

I need to feed
An insanity starts to take
Maybe tomorrow I will stare into the sun and duly be done

A magnificence I only imagined
Such a caustic burn
Can abolish what's left

I can resist but I need you
People pleaser puts it too mildly
My existence -- a symbiote

If I were to die
who'd ride the ambulance?

If I were to die
Who'd be suffering for your happiness?

If I were to die
Who'd be there to light you ablaze?

I live by tokens
A passing gratitud
No idea the amplitude
Upon a life which has nothing

let me feed
I am in need
I do any deed

Tears in my eyes. A memory replays.

It's too late now...

A time you screamed that hugging me entrapping me with your earnest plea for companionship burned into my retina.

It wasn't too late for me at that moment,

yet that was the last moment I could walk away and still not have my sanity tested.

Now my resolve has been bested.

I need to be nested beside you,

my body molested with your lustful embrace.

I feel unprotected as you seem to have divested a restlessness resides inside because you're not by my side.

lies I told myself fade as I aided your corruption of my chastity.

Its become almost sadistic how you casually lit my heart ablaze

yet now set me on a maze to find you.

I consented yes

I feel demented now

Without your smell,

the air is stale somehow.

It's too late now...

Yet when I scream it choking on my fears,

all I hear is the echo of loneliness

my instincts felonious

as you are nowhere near.

CW: child neglect

I am Intersex, the name of my condition is Swyer syndrome we tend to have female external genitalia and female internal reproductive structures even though we have XY chromosomes.

Yet when I was born due to me having XY chromosomes my ignorant family tried to have me augmented to be male with surgery and medical hormones.

I had a mostly cosmetic micro phallus I couldn't pee standing and my body never responded for overt masculinization.

My family tried to convince me I was a normal male child even though it was obvious I wasn't.

The lies became beyond abusive when I started to have my period at 13 and grow breasts. My family tried to force me to have my breasts removed and have doctors lie about what was going on with my body.

Ultimately I sued for independence and won so I could have the right to make medical decisions for myself. Still to this day I am injured from choices my family made against my wishes.

I had the mostly cosmetic procedure they did on me as a baby undone to ensure I could be healthy. Yet even with my body as it was intended the fact I faced so much pain anguish abuse from my family and outright rejection caused me to feel ostercized.

Even when I try to share my experiences I feel often punished.

Cis people often look at my lack of a certain upbringing plus my awkwardness at times as just discomforting often they don't wanna hear it.

Trans people often oversimplify my struggles saying that at least I don't have to worry about passing and with my Medical diagnosis no one argued from me getting medical care.

It is for these reasons I feel as if I don't belong anywhere and since my condition is one of the most rare types of intersex it doesn't even have a specific support group online.

To put it in perspective less then 600 people are estimated in the United States have my condition.

Lately it has come to my attention that my own depression and resentment around these experiences has caused friends to feel concerned over my state of mind.

I am trying to grow as a person and look at it in a more healthy way 51% of the world has a female body it is only different in that mine is due to an obscure condition.

Many people are also orphans should those situations cause me to continue to feel depressed and self loathing?

Imagine the opposite if a friend came to me and said I am depressed because I am female and my family wished I was male so they abandoned me.

Would I reply: you should spend the rest of your life depressed about that and hate yourself for the circumstances of your birth.

I used to blame my condition for ruining my life because without this condition maybe my mother and father could love me and I'd get to have a family.

I played in Carnegie Hall, was a published poet, won awards, put myself through college getting multiple degrees without help, became a first responder during covid saved countless lives.

All these achievements and I still feel intensely worthless.

I am finally working on it. Being in a female body isn't a death sentence and to be frank the problem was how my family treated me -not my condition.

Learning to love and accept myself has been something I never even tried to do previously but hopefully there is still time to enjoy part of my life.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.