Ice Girl's public thoughts.

A true vampire ?

I died ages ago
I can't even say I wish it wasn't so
Discarded my place is not of this world

I cry into the night alone
Silence echos back

reactively, I flinch
a truth buries deep inside peacefully

You knew all along smiles this wide
Are the masks, with which one hide.

Thump, thump, my blood pumps
The bile spreads

I need to feed
An insanity starts to take
Maybe tomorrow I will stare into the sun and duly be done

A magnificence I only imagined
Such a caustic burn
Can abolish what's left

I can resist but I need you
People pleaser puts it too mildly
My existence -- a symbiote

If I were to die
who'd ride the ambulance?

If I were to die
Who'd be suffering for your happiness?

If I were to die
Who'd be there to light you ablaze?

I live by tokens
A passing gratitud
No idea the amplitude
Upon a life which has nothing

let me feed
I am in need
I do any deed

Tears in my eyes. A memory replays.

 

It's too late now...

 

A time you screamed that hugging me entrapping me with your earnest plea for companionship burned into my retina.

 

It wasn't too late for me at that moment,

yet that was the last moment I could walk away and still not have my sanity tested.

 

Now my resolve has been bested.

 

I need to be nested beside you,

my body molested with your lustful embrace.

 

I feel unprotected as you seem to have divested a restlessness resides inside because you're not by my side.

 

lies I told myself fade as I aided your corruption of my chastity.

 

Its become almost sadistic how you casually lit my heart ablaze

yet now set me on a maze to find you.

 

I consented yes

 

I feel demented now

Without your smell,

the air is stale somehow.

 

It's too late now...

 

Yet when I scream it choking on my fears,

all I hear is the echo of loneliness

my instincts felonious

as you are nowhere near.

 

CW: child neglect

 

I am Intersex, the name of my condition is Swyer syndrome we tend to have female external genitalia and female internal reproductive structures even though we have XY chromosomes.

 

Yet when I was born due to me having XY chromosomes my ignorant family tried to have me augmented to be male with surgery and medical hormones.

 

I had a mostly cosmetic micro phallus I couldn't pee standing and my body never responded for overt masculinization.

 

My family tried to convince me I was a normal male child even though it was obvious I wasn't.

 

The lies became beyond abusive when I started to have my period at 13 and grow breasts. My family tried to force me to have my breasts removed and have doctors lie about what was going on with my body.

 

Ultimately I sued for independence and won so I could have the right to make medical decisions for myself. Still to this day I am injured from choices my family made against my wishes.

 

I had the mostly cosmetic procedure they did on me as a baby undone to ensure I could be healthy. Yet even with my body as it was intended the fact I faced so much pain anguish abuse from my family and outright rejection caused me to feel ostercized.

 

Even when I try to share my experiences I feel often punished.

 

Cis people often look at my lack of a certain upbringing plus my awkwardness at times as just discomforting often they don't wanna hear it.

 

Trans people often oversimplify my struggles saying that at least I don't have to worry about passing and with my Medical diagnosis no one argued from me getting medical care.

 

It is for these reasons I feel as if I don't belong anywhere and since my condition is one of the most rare types of intersex it doesn't even have a specific support group online.

 

To put it in perspective less then 600 people are estimated in the United States have my condition.

 

Lately it has come to my attention that my own depression and resentment around these experiences has caused friends to feel concerned over my state of mind.

 

I am trying to grow as a person and look at it in a more healthy way 51% of the world has a female body it is only different in that mine is due to an obscure condition.

 

Many people are also orphans should those situations cause me to continue to feel depressed and self loathing?

 

Imagine the opposite if a friend came to me and said I am depressed because I am female and my family wished I was male so they abandoned me.

 

Would I reply: you should spend the rest of your life depressed about that and hate yourself for the circumstances of your birth.

 

I used to blame my condition for ruining my life because without this condition maybe my mother and father could love me and I'd get to have a family.

 

I played in Carnegie Hall, was a published poet, won awards, put myself through college getting multiple degrees without help, became a first responder during covid saved countless lives.

 

All these achievements and I still feel intensely worthless.

 

I am finally working on it. Being in a female body isn't a death sentence and to be frank the problem was how my family treated me -not my condition.

 

Learning to love and accept myself has been something I never even tried to do previously but hopefully there is still time to enjoy part of my life.

 

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

 

I wish I could call you this morning and tell you what a great night I had.

 

I know as I was taking care of you while the cancer grew worse, all you wanted was to make up for the struggles I went through and how you had hoped I could heal from the past.

 

I will never forget one of our last conversations was how you wish you had backed me sooner that I was the best the family ever produced but because of my messed up mother and dead beat criminal father you never expected much outta me just another future dead beat.

 

But you were wrong. The family was wrong, anyone who didn't get to know my character and heart was wrong.

 

It always embarrassed me how you kept telling the same story near the end of your life.

 

It didn't matter who or how yet you always worked this story in,

 

when I was 4 you were in the hospital and I snuck into the hospital' beds mechanics because they were trying to get me to leave when you were gravely ill. I said no I can't leave. That's my grandma she needs me and I have to protect her. You gotta take care of her and I'm not going anywhere until she's better.

 

They got special permission to let me stay and I spent that night with you cuddling in the hospital bed.

 

Well, grandma, tonight your wish has come true.

 

I have been broken emotionally for a long time, perhaps longer than I can recall. I was on autopilot trying to do as much good as possible as an EMT/ medical assistant while working on becoming a higher level provider and for all the good I did, people I saved, there was a massive whole in my heart.

 

No amount of good I did filled that void only emptiness. I just figured it was only a matter of time before the darkness consumed me and I might as well do as much good as possible before the story ends.

 

For the first time, perhaps ever, I feel hope. I can be more than what I have become. I have the potential to change course and do great things not just as a way to find purpose in a meaningless life that I have given up on, but as a reflection of the joy and gratitude for an opportunity to walk this earth.

 

Grandma I fell in love with someone and she's made me want to beat my illness. I know you wouldn't understand some of the ways we bonded.

 

I am writing to you on a blog where if you read some of the other posts you'd probably be concerned. But she's good for me and makes the void feel less overwhelming. In fact, I now feel empowered to do more about my condition and this has me feeling optimistic.

 

I know you'd ask to meet her and be thrilled for me. But sadly, it happened 3 years too late for you to sit across from her. I hope you wouldn't have given her too hard a time, but I will take her to your resting place soon just so you can know her, metaphysically, I want to introduce you formally to the person who changed my life.

 

So how is it where you are?

 

You still watching your CSI shows. You know I find them so repetitive. I mean how do you even keep them straight, csi, csi Miami, csi Vegas CSI New York do they really differ enough? 

 

How do you feel about the switch to everything streaming streaming, you'd often need me to program your remotes and fix the network when it would go down. Would you be calling me every week to fix it, since if anything technology has only gotten more pervasive?

 

Or maybe I'd set up an Alexa and the fact you could talk to it would finally get you over the digital hump I wish we got to find out together.

 

I am probably going to the Barbie movie today would you like to come too. I think I could convince you to give it a try.

 

It's 5:55 I'm crying but, these are happy tears Grandma.

 

I will be sure to check in again sometime soon. I am sorry we didn't talk for awhile but life has been a lot lately I know you'd understand you always did when I didn't have time.

 

But I needed to talk to you tonight.

 

Love you ma

Till next time.

My adult life I have been akin to a freight train heading down a predetermined track.

 

Yet losing a good friend who was living with me caused me to be shaken in a way that has me trembling just thinking about it.

 

I was so unhappy I had to change things or else I was worried for my sanity.

 

The biggest change was violating my goal to not get into a serious relationship until after med school.

 

It had been 8 years since I had a sexual partner between college post grad taking time to help my grandma dying of cancer working as an EMT during the pandemic this has been perhaps the most crazy 8 years of my life.

 

Yet finding someone that I feel is a once in a lifetime event I had to accommodate them.

 

That permission to alter course set in motion a domino effect where I actually reevaluated everything in my life.

 

I have changed as a person more in the past year then the last 10 not even exaggerating.

 

I acknowledge I was depressed for those years but there was a certain safety in consistency of action and thought.

 

This is why for the first time in my life I am genuinely anxious.

 

I suffer from PTSD and its raging.

 

Loud noises, or people touching me without permission, or sneaking up on me, has me in literal pain and torment.

 

It wasn't that long that a co worker to get my attention grabbed me on the shoulder unexpectedly and I i hid under my desk trembling in fear crying.

 

The coworker then mocked me telling me to get up and stop making a scene.

 

I told them to just give me a second and they continued to badger me and my inability to handle typical behavior.

 

They said in jest "what do you want me to do wear bells?" In a condescending tone.

 

I have never been so vulnerable so open about my struggles I just want to make it through this stage in my life and hopefully come out stronger having gone through this metamorphosis.

 

Talking to you not that long ago

Seemed like an impossibility

Though I saw in your eyes

A somber soul in need of love

You didn't even notice me

 

Yet so quickly everything has changed

Because you dared to get to know me

Now I'm the one feeling exposed

I've fallen for you

 

Maybe I shouldn't even tell you

That every moment I'm with you

Only makes me want more

That simply smelling the one I adore

Brings me such sweet rest

 

When you hold me 

My whole body aches for

An anxiety that overtakes 

Rooted in that I will have to

Leave your loving embrace 

It hastens the decay of my sanity

 

It's scary because with but a word

You can end so many of my dreams

Since a world without you 

I deem unlivable

 

You have silenced many terrors

With but a warm embrace 

Eracing my fears

As you trace my face with

Tenderness and shared tears

 

I'm scared

Because I don't know how to say

What I'm feeling inside 

Can barely be sane

Id die for you is an easy thing to say

Id die for most strangers

Its a pact all first responders make

 

But Tavi I'd live for you

And that's something 

I never wanted to do

 

Having you in my life

Makes wanting to live easy 

Since I don'

t wanna miss a second 

Of the joy being your tomboy

 

Random thing on my mind.

 

My first love was a girl named Maria Cozmo she was the next door neighbor to my grandmothers we kinda grew up together.

 

When we were really young she would sometimes play marry me and everyone thought we'd be together forever at least as friends.

 

When my dad got visitations custody the neutral place picked for pick up was my grandmothers but often he didn't want to see me so for the entier weekend id be playing with Maria and her little brother Joseph after I got my homework done.

 

One of my happiest memories was when I was 4 and she was 5 or 6 showing her Zelda the original and trying to teach her how to play it and watch her struggling for hours to do things but that my effort got her to improve.

 

I'd hug her as she was frustrated at the armor guys and get confused by puzzles I could easily solve

 

I remember one day when she was in the lost woods and she wanted me to tell her the pattern and I gave her the clue that an old woman in the world somewhere tells you the pattern you just have to find her.

 

Shes like somehow in the entier world one woman tells you the pattern I'm like yep.

 

Then she tackled me to the ground and was like or I could just tickle it outta you.

 

Her family moved away when I truned 10 when it became obvious I was developing female traits.

 

They didn't want there daughter being friends with a queer person fag.

 

I was by the bay window in my grandmothers house for 5 days not eating drinking or sleeping. She was my favorite person.

 

The person who treated me most human was being taken away from me in part because of my body the one thing I never had any control over. Made her parents hate me.

 

I met her many years later she never went to college married a general average joe had two kids and was sorta depressed her life wasn't more but she was content that she had her kids and a house.

 

When she met me again she told me two things that it never woulda worked even as friends I'm too liberal and open minded for her shes a devout Catholic and although she feels sorry for me for being intersex that's different then gays trans and other people they are just wrong and sinful. I couldn't help how god made me.

 

Number two shes not a lesbian and never would be. I asked her of all the times she showed love towards me and she said yeah it seems obvious now that her parents protected her from going down a destructive path and if anything she hoped Id find a man who could help heal me and my confusion.

 

Makes it easier to not lament her leaving my life knowing she turned into a religious zealot.

 

But who knows if I stayed in her life maybe I could have saved her brain from being poisoned.

 

I was raised to be judgemental Roman Catholic as well from Italian immigrants I overcame it maria could have gone a different way if only she was exposed to it.

 

I wonder how she is to this day last time I bumped into her was my 20's doubt I ever will again since I rarely go to upstate new york where she lives and who even knows if she does anymore.

 

I met her because her parents died and she was selling off there old home they had kept as a rental property as they moved away.

 

She said shed like to grab lunch sometime and catch up more but well over 12 years later still waiting.

 

Till death do us part ??

 

I have fallen for someone

Which is good because

She calls herself a sex demon

If I was up in the clouds

I couldn't hold her across my skin

 

When I leave her often a panic sets in

Many times already when I sleep

She cures the terror of my screams

Which permeate my dreams

 

I will never forget not that long ago

I awoke mid scream and she was right there

Forehead to mine it's ok I'm here

She said reassuringly

 

PTSD often causes reliving traumatic experiences when it happens at night while you sleep the experience gets classified as a night terror

 

I have been having them most my life

Without any abatement they naturally turned

My world into a tyrannical hell

To have someone care

 

Its more kindness in my life than I have felt before

Thus I will be by her side until death do us part.

I woke at 3am in a cold sweat I ended up having to go and vomit because I was so nervous and upset.

 

I want to share my current struggle publicly because I think this is a decisive moment in my life.

 

I for the first time in nearly 15 years have fallen so in love with someone I'd consider marriage and even leaving the country with them if they felt it was better for there peace of mind and work.

 

I hadn't felt this level of profound emotion in so long that itself is at times enough to make me want to see a therapist just to talk about how its even possible to care about someone so much that I'd do anything for there happiness.

 

So now that it is stated I am in a growing healthy loving relationship 2 months strong there has been something that I feel makes them uneasy that they are polysexual and I have not shown any interest in another person over that time even when they have asked and encouraged me who would I consider and well the answer has always been I'm a demisexual it doesn't work like that for me the emotional connection has to be established first then I can consider another which is why even though I have never outright banned myself from seeing someone before while I was in a relationship it literally never happened (in part).

 

However that all changes today at 12 noon!

 

About two weeks ago I was going to the crucibles flea market and since I was going to be down there I figured I would combine it with a friend who was celebrating getting there apartment.

 

While at the house warming this woman walked in who commanded my attention maybe because something about them seemed familiar or because I just was interested in getting to know them.

 

So we chatted abit and it turns out we had a lot in common but even more importantly they had so many of the things that seem to strike a cord with me personally...

 

Honest, devoted, nerdy, board and video games, pet play, kinky as fuck, liberal, pro LGBT and specifically aware and sensitive towards trans and Intersex concerns, highly intelligent, "a computer programer" lol? Wait a second this in many ways sounds like my current girlfriend so do I need to keep going down the list? Shes awesome! 

 

Of course this person was my "type" and I was extremely excited to meet them and then I said to them you should add me on FetLife I'd love to chat with you again and maybe kink with you sometime.

 

They then with a confusing look said to me dead faced um were already friends...!!!

 

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED ? FELT LIKE I WAS GONNA DIE THIS IS WHY THEY SEEMED SO FAMILIAR!

 

I had just not put two and two together because I had never met them in real life before and most of our interactions had been quite awhile ago.

 

So here it was the moment I knew for a fact this person independently caught my attention twice and I was interested in them as a kink partner and if it hadn't been for my girlfriend more for sure.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about them and how cool and interesting they are and finally said it hey would you like to meet up and kink sometime.

 

They were honest and said that even though they would be open to it they really would like to meet and know me better before taking that step since they want to know me better so we set up a date ? yet at the moment we set it up two weeks ago it was a non romantic date just a meeting to discuss boundaries and consent.

 

However!

 

Opening that door caused both of us to try and get to know one another on an emotional social level and it just so happened that I started to find them attractive...

 

What once was a date where maybe would meet for tea and a brunch turned into them proposing if I can stay long enough we can cuddle on there roof looking at the stars.

 

This is like absolute crack talking to a demisexual!

 

One of the most romantic memories I ever had in my life was with Safi probably the person I was most attracted to in my life until my current girlfriend.

 

She is Jamaican and the daughter of a diplomatic advisor at the time. me coming from New York City is how we met. I missed her so much I saved up what little money I had as a 16-17 year old working at flea markets and doing odd jobs for people while clearly going to highschool and working on my musical talents at the time so it was a lot of effort.

 

But I flew to her to spend the summer! One night in the blue hills of Jamaica at her house she asked me if I trusted her and she wanted to surprise me I said sure.

 

And well she led me to crawl out her window onto the rooftop and we sat looking at the stars and Kingston down below and she pointed put some key points in the city the beauty of the island and then why she loves her home and it will always be in her heart even if she goes to America for education.

 

I then asked her for her attention as I showed her the sky astronomy used to be one of my strongest suits and as we cuddled close I was explaining the consolations as well as naming the key stars and planets we have discovered in them she nuzzled into me and asked something along the lines of is my head only in the stars?

 

I remember looking at her and said sadly yes but my heart beats for you.

 

And then we made out on her rooftop in any other time of my life I probably would of had sex with her but I was still a virgin at the time and just didn't feel it was appropriate for a multitude of reasons.

 

Back to today when this person suggested that to me it triggered a very important memory and helped me find them amazingly attractive even more than I had previously...

 

So now here was the rub ? I was ok with it being a fake date to just get to know eachother but now I wanted a real date because I found them attractive and felt like we could have a special bond that could make them more to me then just a kink playmate.

 

When I mentioned this to my partner I even mentioned that part of why I even let it get this far is I know she's been worried how turned off I have been towards poly but this time I am genuinely interested in someone and instead of shutting it down or avoiding it I am genuinely allowing it to proceed. That I see it as a win win win.

 

She gets to win because it's easier to see I am open to poly if I myself am poly, the girl in question gets to win because she seems to be receptive towards seeing if there is chemicals between us and I get to win because if I hadn't met my girlfriend I know for a fact Id probably try to date this woman and now I get to anyway.

 

So the situation is set why am i up at 4:30 in the morning having vomited from nerves and crying?

 

Because I was rasied Catholic I think is a huge part of it. I went to Catholic school and there's a huge emphasis on no sex before marriage and well although I blew by that long ago they did stress the union between two people being sacred and that it shouldn't be tainted.

 

This is an absolute first for me in my late 30's a time when I am about to go outside my relationship with someone else I am sexually interested in.

 

Logically I know humans weren't made to be monogamous and it's why it never bothered me that my partner is but this is where I might be starting down the road towards my non monogamous status.

 

I never before in my life even considered being unfaithful. So this is so intense I am literally shaking like a leaf in a cold sweat as I write this.

 

Whats even worse the girl I'm interested and my girlfriend are both polysexual. So neither of them are providing any conflict in my feelings they both think it's a healthy exploring of how I feel and its important for me to have that opportunity.

 

I feel like I'm about to faint.

 

The tremendous pressure of growing as a person to not just conceptually support polyamory but to consider engaging in it myself was beyond my comprehension not even 2 weeks ago.

 

Yet I feel this is important for me to accept both women I'm interested in one I'm with currently. How can I relate to my girlfriend without ever even considering the love of another person? 

 

As far as the girl I'm into now if my girlfriend didn't take a slot in my life I'd probably have gone after it so why should I deprive myself if neither my girlfriend or this new person in my life find it a problem?

 

Catholic guilt seems to be the answer I have an instinct/ brainwashing that caused a predisposition towards monogamous relationships even if I was ok with others being polysexual. 

 

I hope my expression of these confusing emotions helps.

 

Ps it's 5 am I am tired can't sleep feel sick from nerves I ain't editing this. You wanna do it go ahead send what you did might replace. 

 

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