Ice Girl's public thoughts.

 Day 19

  If karma was real you think the highest level one could achieve is saving people's lives right.

In supporting families through difficult times and ensuring someone's health is preserved. 

This is partially why jobs like doctors nurses and medics are so well regarded. My grandma used to always bake cookies around this time of year and bring them to all her doctors at there appointments. If she was having a long stay at a hospital me and the family would often order pizza or Chinese and have it brought to the unit.

Anything to lift the moral of the people who are doing the hard work of keeping the people we love taken care of. 

Yet between being an EMT and medical assistant I have worked going on 3 years and overall all the good I have done lives I have saved yet what has become of all that good I put out into the world on my cosmic balance nothing.

  I generally have two core dreams a world that treats the LGBT community as equals and one day having a family I think its ingrained in every orphan from a disfunctional family. 

Well in both cases it seems things have only gotten worse currently in the country I live there is actively 814 peices of anti gay legislation.

Additionally in my most personal situation being Intersex in many states have now been reclassified as a developmental disability. The reason is as they have passed anti trans laws they have often made carve outs for intersex people. Mind you this wasn't to treat Intersex individuals better for example in Texas where they have now banned trans youth care they added this so that they can continue to treat Intersex individuals at the desire of the parents. 

Note when trans kids often want treatment the majority of intersex individuals like myself wish we had less intervention as a child so this law has ensured no one is getting what they want. Why has such a thing happened in part because they want to maximize cisgender heteronormativity.

  I know that my highschool knew I got assaulted in the boys locker room from having breasts but did the solution have to be to forced placement in the female locker room. Maybe I don't know instruct the boys not to harass the intersex student?

My body wasn't the issue it was a society that allowed for people not only to engage in such behavior but blamed my body for my mistreatment not others.

  So as the LGBT community is losing across the board what of my other main goal having a family one day. Well the first person I have tried to date in 8 years reminded me why I had given up for so long. Things that I would hope for making them happier taking care of them supporting there dreams

. Doesn't seem to be making them any happier.  It hurts me really to my core when I can't help people or make there lives better. I think this innate instinct goes back to when I was a child trying to make my mom proud of me or happy with me and she just didn't give a crap. Making her food taking care of the household getting great grades even winning awards for my art none of it made her happy.

Yet even the slightest transgression and Id get beaten locked in my room or just verbally abused as not good enough.  I plan to one day write a book about my life and yeah of course the publisher gets a say in the sub head my idea was always the child not even a mother could love. 

That's what my mom used to terrorize me with when I would get really upset and say she should give me up for adoption because then maybe someone could love me. She would say look at you you're the child not even a mother could love you think anyone would treat you any better? 

My brain at the time was like well look at the situation most peoples mothers love them there is so many stories of how bad it is for foster kids maybe this is the best it could ever be. 

So it was built in to try and always win the favor and approval of those I love yet I fail so often to make a dent in the situation I kinda just said why bother.  Well I tried again it isn't going any better then the last attempts. 

This is why I can confidently say karma doesn't exist. With all the good I do for others daily all the families that have been greatful and said they would pray for me hell the nicest person I treated even nit me a hat I wear on occasion. 

Yet the two things that would make me happiest in this world better treatment for the LGBTIQQAA community specifically intersex and one day falling in love with someone and having some sort of stable family like I always wished for. 

Neither have improved, its a good thing I do what I do not for karmic reasons but because I believe that the best use of my actions is taking care of people.

As sad as I can be as unfair the world feels at times I am always excited to go to work and make a difference in peoples lives.

  I am probably going to turn into a work acholic soon what's the point of doing anything that isn't helping people because I mean my personal life doesn't really exist and politically it seems like the United States hasn't been getting any better. 

So I might as well give up my personal dreams.

Day 18 

Razer sharp daggers digging in my throat. 

Suspended until I can't take it. 

A Bearhug, lifted as your nails cut into my tender flesh drawing blood. 

Fuck me with an unyielding passion, until I start to go numb.

So I can actually get off for a change.  This is what I enjoy. 

I am a switch.

  If you want my attention as a bottom My preference is rough and intense. 

There are things I don't like for example degradation, humiliation, exctera you call me a slut -- I just want nothing to do with you. I am beneath no one in life. You want my love affection attention -- respect me. 

If you are chosen for my offer of loyalty and trust. Hurt me till I can't resist euphoria.

 Day 17 

I celebrated Hanukkah as a child. Even though I was rasied Catholic and given lots of indoctrination on how Jews betrayed Jesus, Jews can't be trusted and other such religious judgment.

  I always thought that was flase because my half brother is Jewish and I love him. How could I see a poor defenseless baby and eventual best buddy as anything but family. 

Sometimes my brother would crawl into my bed and hug me because he just enjoyed our closeness.

He also fought for us to stay in the same room so eventually they got a pull out cot that they kept under his bed for when I was visiting. 

He was the one bright spot when I would visit my dad until my father lost visitation rights. 

I will never forget one day my brother came home from school crying and I hugged him and asked him what was wrong. 

Turns out the kids were making fun of him for his nose and being Jewish. He wished he was Catholic like me.

I reassured him I didn't want to be Catholic so don't say that.

I also stressed that anyone who says that sorta stuff is someone not worth valuing the opinion of, but if anyone ever lays a hand on you let me know and I will take care of it. 

I miss my brother so much truly the only member of my fathers side of the family I regret losing touch with. 

When I tried to touch base again he was uninterested in getting to know me. The family intentionally kept us apart and said horrible lies about me.

  I miss my half brother dearly. Around December I check when Hanukkah is, force of habbit. 

This year it's starting December 7th. Happy upcoming Hanukkah

 Day 16 

Today doing runs one of my partners who I will call E that has been very open about being ultra gay came out and asked me if I am a lesbian I had simply been telling him I am queer before.

I looked at him today and said "well I'm wearing my girlfriends bra?" ( laundry day). 

Well when he had been a cool little gayboi the last day we worked together he was all up my butt today. 

At one point when he was trying to show me how to single load a stretcher he was struggling and I was like oh watch the proper technique and I did it easily. 

His partner B laughed and was like you aint got shit on her and E was so miffed it was almost funny watching his cheeks match his frosted tips. 

I wasn't trying to show him up I been an EMT for 3 years I am just new to this company. I worked for another private company, I have run 911 volunteering, and I been a member of search n rescue for 3 years. 

E he has been a driver for a few months and literally just passed his emt cert last week n really was struggling with medical conditions today.

  Infact tonight the manager even told him infront if me end of shit he ain't ready he needs more training. 

I wasn't gonna tell E him but one of the reasons I was assigned to be trained by B and E is they told me that they know E still needs training before they let him run calls and they want him with experienced people. 

Meanwhile he bitched about insanity like the fact when I made a stretcher it had more wrinkles in it then when he makes it. 

This is emergency medicine dude no one cares if the stretcher sheets have no wrinkles my god can he be any more fuckin gay! 

I think the sorta tomboy fuck shit up vibes I put out sorta rub him the wrong way because he kept saying things like talk quiter around medical desks, and when your calling dispatch speak more pleasant they get enough rough necks being rude. 

How in the heck did this guy ever find emergency medicine?

  He has only been doing it for a few months n it shows because anyone whos lasted knows you gotta have a thick skin a demented sense of humor -- uptight prissy people can't last.

  I still like the guy anyone who can put up with dating men have more patience then I ever will have. 

I know he means well but the fact he not only refused to listen to my experience but only admonished me for being too rough around the edges was annoying.  My girlfriend called me an Orch which is both true and untrue.

I have 3 degrees a 3.9 GPA Two medical licenses so I am fairly well educated and can put on the erudite cap with ivory tower elites. 

Yet I can also hang with a firehouse talk shit with the dudes and then go out on an 911 call bash a window in on a burning car and pull a woman bleeding simi conscious out and stabilize her. 

While in the ER I've had to help take down someone assaulting a nurse so he can be sedated when it explodes in emergency things go from 0-100 real fast. 

I am sure E would like university ICE better but I can't show my nerdy side as an EMT. 

I'd get picked on for damn sure already being a female I gotta be extra tough If I acted like E no one would wanna work with me because they wouldn't trust I have what it takes.

  Gay men have the privilege to be softer in EMS because they aren't assumed to be weak, the odd ones out, untrustworthy in an emergency, and second guessed when making life or death calls.

Day 15 

CW: sexual assault 

This morning something amazing happened my girlfriend was in the mood to wrestle and I was able to without harming her. ?  For a long time I refused to spar anyone because my training and application of force potential was so great I knew I could hurt someone.(Made me very nervous)?‍?

  I will never forget when someone tried to sexually assault me once he picked me up and threw me so hard onto the bed the wooden slats holding the mattress cracked and I had some metal springs cutting into my back but when he mounted me thinking he had the upper hand.

He made a huge mistake he let me wrap my legs around his left arm and with all my might I yanked and twisted and wouldn't you know it his arm was then hanging by a thread ripped out of his shoulder as he was screaming obsensities and crying out in pain. 

He chose poorly to assault me, I been training at this point since I was 7 in martial arts 30 years under my belts in multiple styles when that incident happened I had roughly 20 years experience. 

Because I have seen me at my most deadly I have such unbelievable respect for people and try my best to hold back I never wanna hurt anyone ever who doesn't want it.

  I try to never strike or apply pressure on any technique that could cause a break or dislocation. 

It does make me feel slow because I always have to first figure out what can I do for an untrained or mildly trained person.

I think today was a good sign on my road to proving to myself I can have a low setting for fun and not hurt people when they wanna get frisky. 

When I teach people techniques I am able to do it without incident but I always been anxious what if I for a second get over zealous.

Last spring my best female friend Jen had aggreed to spare me and she is a 3 degree black belt in taekwondo and I saw she as most weren't as good with her hands and I jumped over her kick and did a turing backfist and I figured she would slip it but she was so shocked and Frozen seeing me move so fast I caught her flush in the face and she went falling back into the wall and had a bruise for over a week. 

I was so apologetic, because I wasn't even intending to hit her it was supposed to cause her to move back so I could get in tight and then flurry her but her inexperience with cloes up fighters and her assumption that I am so outta shape I couldn't go vertical like that over one of her kicks caused her to be wide open. 

I might be 220 pounds but I can dive over a 5 foot gap and either roll out or do a full on front flip. 

The power these little arms can generate is insane I was already at the world female championship taekwondo break levels at the gym I was working out of in Baltimore they literally produced the sliver medalist for my weight class.

  Note I am not as good as Kathleen but I can do some of the same breaks she was doing and when we spared it was pretty obvious she was more powerful than me but I was a tad more agile the issue is if she hit me it was brutal.

I remember blocking one of her kicks still to this day because it almost broke my arm. Her weakness was throwing such high power shots made her slow and she would lose her stamina quickly.

Final thoughts it is fun to think I am able to compartmentalize and be safe for normal people to play with me without having to fear or be nervous about injuries. 

I believe I am at that level of peace in life where like a tiger playing with human I can easily eff someone up but I am not vicious unless there is a problem. 

I am mentally at peace and my only focus is to bring as much happiness as possible into this world and if that means someone wants to wrestle me that's fine. 

Right now in my life I am going to work at cutting ny weight down I am a tad overweight at the moment and my increase my overall burst of power and endurance. 

Going back to working as an EMT full time you have no idea how often I need to help lift overweight people.

Just the other day there was this 400 pound diabetic missing a leg to get these types of patients up and onto a stretcher takes tons of training and strength.

  This is why there is a bare minimum requirement to be an EMT of being able to lift 150 pounds up two flights of stairs. When the company hired me they made me lift deadlift 120 pounds take it up a flight of stairs spin around and then walk it back down a flight of stairs with no guardrail usage or any help. 

This is the job and it is also sadly why the is a 70/30 gender imbalance. It's not discrimination to prevent women from being EMTs most companies I have seen would hire anyone qualified theres a massive shortage at the moment. 

But if you can't safely move the patients your going to come into contact with you cannot be an EMT you are going to hurt yourself your patient and your partner.  Thus over the next couple of months I am going to work on pushing my lifting and raw power right now I am at about 170 dead lift bench press and 160 butterfly. I wanna get it over 200 hundred deadlift bench press and get my butterfly to 180.

There was a time in my life where everything was over 300 pounds now that was in my mid 20's over a decade ago when all I cared about was being a fighting machine, But now I have a good reason to bulk up againg to save lives.

  Day 14 

My Mother has been reaching out to me using the fact holidays are coming up to try and emotionally blackmail me to visit her. 

I haven't seen her in 14 months. First she probably should have been vut out sooner she was abusive and distant growing up eventually causing her to lose custody. 

I tried to forgive her many times thinking well she had me at 18 and was doing drugs what can you expect she was overwhelmed and should be given chances. 

Yet she never improved the final straw was earlier this year when I told her I started dating a female she was not only unsupportive she was down right hostile towards her and very skeptical of what they wanted in my life. 

I mean I am in general pretty laid back people can be mean and disrespectful towards me and I will often turn the other cheek but you being disrespectful towards someone I care about is a no go.

  I don't have a close family Infact just last night my aunt called me out of the blue because my godmother died no one even told me she was sick in the first place. 

The fact I am queer intersex and nonbinary they are just want nothing to do with me.

I have had my grandfather on my father's side once tell me if I ever went to his house again unannounced hed shoot me as a trespasser. 

So when I have been used to such repulsive treatment my whole life from my family it didn't take much to view my mom as the best of the worst.

  Yet it hurts to think I don't get to have a family especially around the holidays. Sure I have some friends who are really close but most of them don't want me to participate in there family affairs which is understandable. 

My girlfriend invited me to go spend Thanksgiving with her family this year I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go because I am not family just because I am dating her. 

She insisted because she didn't want me to be alone. I was like well I won't be alone because I would have probably picked up EMT shifts its not like people don't need medical help during Thanksgiving or black Friday. 

But she won out and convinced me her family wants me to visit even though I think she is just worried about my emotional well-being. 

The fact is I often talk of loneliness and despair but I feel its part of the human condition. I am just honest and raw if people had the same situation I been though they would feel the same way. 

Infact I know plenty of people who have a family that loves them and still feels lonely. 

I would never forget one of ny male friends told me the biggest mistake he ever made in life was starting a family with a girl he didn't mentally respect.

  He found her attractive and enjoyed the way she treated him two kids and ten years later all he does behind her back is bemoan how stupid pathetic and how he wishes she wasn't help raising his kids.

  I am not here to say he is right clearly there has to be some issues there but the thing he said he would go back and change in his youth would be to value intellectual and moral compatibility because having to spend a life with someone you don't have enough in common with just gets soul killing. 

Now mind you I am a demisexual sapiosexual I already know this. But it has been hard to watch how bitter and resentful he has become towards his wife.

  I brought this up because it to me is a very cautionary situation don't over invest yourself into someone you don't want to be in you're life forever.

  Thats why I didn't have a full relationship for over 8 years as dysfunctional as my bio family is and how painful it is to see some of my friends in families they hate and feel opress them it has just been so scary to me.

Day 13 

Last weekend I past my qualifications to drive ambulance, today was my first shift doing it. 

Having real patients in the back and 4 lives in my care while also knowing I have to keep it as smooth as possible was heavy.

My partner has to work in the back at times with critical patients. I was really nervous about it at first. 

At one point my partner took me aside after we finished a run and said in the parking lot "are you a bitch, drive this thing like you got balls." Your doing fine but get the hell outta your head. 

He had total faith in me the whole time it definitely helped build my confidence. Either way the first time is over -- 12 hours 6 calls two critical patients. 

Next time only gonna be stronger ?!

Day 12

CW: abuse, sexual abuse

  My ex-best friend is a man named Dan. We had a very unique friendship until I ended it. He wants it back should I give him another chance?

  Dan was the first person to know Outside of my family I was female biologically.  The day he found out we were in my grandmother's basement playing video games a puzzle game known as Legacy of Kain. 

He just came over my house because he had this new game and wanted to play I didn't think much of it we were playing in the downstairs basement and all of a sudden he said so when were you gonna tell me you were female. 

I still only found out about my Intersex condition by force a year before when my family kept trying to get me to remove my breasts and I started having period spotting. 

I tried to play it off like what are you talking about.  He was like look I don't care but you must have forgotten to bind or something because your breasts are way too much to be a typical male so what are you like trans or something just tell me. 

I was like well I never had to talk about it before I don't really know whats going on with my body to tell you the turth I thought I was gonna be male but my body I guess had other plans. 

He said well I won't tell anyone if you let me see your tits. I was like are you seriously gonna do that. He said I guess not but what do you want me to do you got nice breasts so I want to see em Didn't hurt to try. 

This sorta teasing and I guess sorta sexual tension on his part being into me and me not having any idea what to do about happened pretty much from 14-21 note dan was two years older then me the entire time.

  Then at 21 I finally was like Dan I don't like you kidding about these things anymore and constantly bringing up my gender dysphoria exctera and for a while dan was pretty good until one day he had to say these words. 

You think your tough with all the martial arts and P90 x but in reality a serious trained male can kick your ass and leave you for dead so know your role there is only so much a woman can do and in reality you really need a guy to protect you. 

This lead to him a 5th degree black belt 280 pounds and me a two time black belt in go ju and kempo 170 pounds to go to a park at midnight and fight to prove which one of us was the better fighter. 

It got pretty brutal because he didn't want to lose to me and be emasculated after all that smack it was violent and bloody but I ended up victorious because he simply got worn down to a degree by my superior stamina and ability to slip enough of his bullshit haymakers. 

After that we didn't talk for a couple of years but he came back into my life apologizing for being immature and this time he was perhaps the nicest he ever was we went on trips together we would hang out we even started to regularly just sleep over when I was in the area. 

Me I thought this was just great I had my best friend back and we were closer than ever but after a couple a years we went on a trip where we had to share a ned and I woke up to him sexually assaulting me I was flabbergasted I was like what they heck is going on and he was like you love me you want this you just don't know how to express it. 

I said absolutely not please just stop before this gets outta hand and well that was when I cut him out of my life and made a never see dan again rule. 

Yet he contacted me after not talking in years because he has cancer and he feels in reflection that he ruined something beautiful and he wants to be forgiven and be friends again.

  I don't know if it is possible I kinda feel bad. I mean he is not that much older then me and has some serious health complications from cancer. 

But the guy was mean and abusive to me in the past. Yet he says the cancer has changed him and he's sorry he regrets what happened. 

I don't want to discourage him from trying to be a better person because anyone trying to improve from there past is good.  He was at one time one of the few people I could talk to about my issues before I decided to be more open and just be like whatever.  However he always was jealous that I was smarter, a better fighter and also angry that I never wanted to have sex with him. 

Yet he felt that I never gave him a chance to be my lover for no good reason, I perhaps over dedicated my life to Martial arts to the point it actually was a problem, and even if he was a jerk I had my own issues and personality flaws that didn't make me an easy person to care about especially when I was younger. 

Note I have a scar on my wrist where he literally set me on fire to prove my love for him.

He put a dab of lighter fluid and boom still scared to this day he was shocked I let him do it  I said I didn't care about myself so if him hurting me made him happy he should go for it so then at least one of us would be happy.  Yet I am not the same person. I do care about myself more I just don't know of I can talk to a man anymore I have such a past with. Even if he is sick has cancer and wants to make up and try and set things right. 

Am I the ass hole for not accepting that he has had an epiphany and can be a different person. 

Or is it that he pushed the line too far and even if nearly a decade has past I have to keep to my rule and never allow dan an inch back into my life?

Day 11 

I often feel not only unloved but that it is destiny to die alone. 

Introspectively being honest the cumulative hurt of having coworkers classmates exs and even family I thought would be there for me and yet slowly drift overtime has fed that fear. 

I always try to keep a smile and think oh well the next person who seems like a friend could be another outcome. 

Yet it often reinforces the same dead relationships, wasted time, and raw emotions. 

Then depression sets it with the view of why bother trying? It will end up being another letdown. 

If you have overcome this fear, let me know how.

Since, in my case, I feel it's no longer a fear but just reality, and this sorta of feeling can't possibly be the end.

Day 10 

An extreme night at a haunted house. So we drove to the field of screams PA for a special event haunt.  

Thestart was a hayride that was quite fantastic. It had a few scenes but the enhancements included having someone shoot us with fire extinguishers , cover us in silly string in a spider web area and have actors often hopp onto the hayride, but that wasn't all; they dragged other guests on the floor. A couple were even abducted by some people to put them on the next hayride going through I assume we had someone randomly thrown on ours while driving around.  

The hayride was the best part; the second one was the toxic wasteland, which mainly was an atmospheric post-post-apocalypse without many actors or genuine scares. At one point, they grabbed my girlfriend and me and put us in a coffin together and said if you aren't close, now you will be together forever.  She started laughing, and when they let us out, one of the scare actors was like you two better like each other now or something, and she flatly stated oh, we had had sex in a coffin before the person almost broke character and was like, wait?

What the hell are you talking about? A he looked confused; I sort of sheepishly said yeah, it's true shrugging as we walked away. 

Other than that, someone made people eat raw sardines, which is not my thing, so I didn't take it. That was pretty much all for the second attraction.  The third attraction was called the darkness, and for me, this one had some legitimately annoying moments.

There were moments in long, dark hallways where I was legitimately confused about where I was going. At one point, we were going through an attic crawl space, and someone went the wrong way and, I believe, got stuck while we were going through.

At one point, an emergency had happened, so emergency people were coming in. Had I known, I would have responded as well, but my girlfriend was you're not working.

They have them.  I mean, what good is being an EMT if I don't help people? It is one of my core functions, anyway. They also gave a shot of vinegar; it didn't seem immensely enhanced from the regular night. 

The last haunted experience, called the asylum, did have some enhanced moments. There was at one point a room where someone threw a net over my head and pushed me into someone else who grabbed me, and then some random creepy little girl asked me to look at the poo in her diaper. Although, as someone who works in healthcare, I could tell instantly it wasn't poo. You can't mistake the smell of that.

  In reality, it was the chocolate sauce and dirt, and I mean, I guess some could find that creepy. There was a room of people who injected us with this pink liquid and dripped it all over us. In another room, a mysterious girl grabbed me and started to draw on my head using a charcoal stick.

  So overall, do I feel the extreme night was more than a typical experience? Yes, of course, but on the professional haunted extreme ratings, I think I give it a 4.5 on the outer scale, even if some might put it at a solid five. 

Because there were so many people, I rarely felt that alone or confused. It was very much a limitless line of people going through. 

Also, I didn't mention it, but every event ended with people cutting you up with fake chainsaws. When I didn't flinch at the hayride fake chainsaws I think the actor took it as a challenge so he hit me with his phony chainsaw pretty hard and started pushing me with it pretty intense to make it feel more like he was going for my arm / back and attempting to cut it off.  It's a unique feeling to have vibrating cold metal being sawed into you, but that was how they ended the hayride. You would think they would have different grand endings, but nope, they didn't every Attraction someone would attempt to kill you with a fake chainsaw. 

Although I have to say the chainsaws worked on some because every so often while standing in line, you'd see a customer screaming or running away as people would chase them with chainsaws. 

I guess it's a fight-or-flight response to some peopy. Someone pushes you into a wall and starts hitting you with even a fake chainsaw. I could see how some people panic, but to me, this is what I paid for, so they better be bringing some elements of intensity. 

I think the issue is that I am in BDSM. I have had flame lit on my body, and I have been suspended in the air and I have had people balance live daggers on my throat I have had a katana shave my inner thighs. Nothing here was close.  Everyday extreme stuff, I have done and seen make anything in this haunted house just a bit of silly fun.

  Heck, as far as beatings go, I have been handcuffed to a ladder as someone beat me a bit, so in some ways, I would say if you live an intense life as I do, this will not match real life, but it does create atmosphere and time a mental break from the mundane everyday. 

Yet because the illusion and maintaining the atmosphere matters of the four hunts I have been to this year.   

PenhurstasylumField of screams, MD Field of screams, PA Eastern State Penn  Penhurst Asylum was the most immersive and had innovative experiences that transported me into another world most frequently and I recommend people try that if you want a truly unique Halloween themed experience.