Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I learned something about myself tonight. I am not sure I want to be a parent but I am open to it and I don't know how that can reconcile with someone's I loves opinion.

Something's in life are binary for me being as spectrum base as all get out it's shocking to see that.

I haven't decided if I wanted to try to use emerging technology to assist with DNA implantation or simply adopt as so many queer children are abused and unwanted like I was.

My mom echoed it many times if I treat you like this do you think a stanger would do any better. Kept me under her thumb as a child.

Right now I am still very focused on school. I always thought I would revisit this topic once I graduate and have the time to raise a child.

I think tonight is telling in how I'm currently feeling the thought that I don't even get that choice is hurty.

I guess that means I lean towards wanting children one day.

I don't know if I'd feel so strongly if I wasn't forcibly sterilized or if society wasn't so negative towards queer children many do need love and support.

Something you might not know the Hershey's had issues conceiving and they felt people who took there children for granted or abused them weren't fit because of the gift they had. They opened a massive orphanage that still operates to this day trying to give the youth a loving safe place to develop.

I know that I have no use for money, born to a poor single mother I dont have expensive tastes.

Thus becoming a higher level provider when my education is done will pay more then I can use. The thought of wanting to take that and do my best to help others drives me.

I remember so many days I had hoped and prayed someone would help me and it merely echoed into a dark night.

It is said be the change you wanna see. I wanna see more people give a shit and do whatever can be done to make others lives better.

I am tried and silently crying -- goodnight.

Most my life being intersex it was hard to relate to people. Usually judgement misunderstandings and an overall inability to treat me like a human being made it difficult.

As I mentioned before I am Intersex and like many Intersex, my family decided to have me corrected near birth to have more aesthetic genitals the only issue is they chose wrong.

How do you tell your friends when you are growing up oh my family tried to have me be male but turns out internally I was female --surprise.

Part of the reason I am so awkward is that I had to have my non functional phallus removed so it's odd and clearly I didn't have the normal upbringing for a female.

I will never forget when highschool was like Ice you need to go into the female gym class.

I was adamant there's no way in hell I'm doing that, I'd rather continue to be picked on by males (binding breasts can only go so far when you have F breasts)

Well it wasn't my choice -- but what was within my power not going to gym at all!

On my highschool grades my gym credits come after all other classes because I had my martial arts training substituted in.

I always felt weird and out of place. I understand the world doesn't have an easy way to deal with intersex people who get improper treatment at birth.

Yet what am I supposed to do?

I might have a female body but like an animal imprinted I thought I was male at first. (certainly had some questions before puberty)

I only recently started coming to terms with the fact my body is based off the base model female.

Never in my wildest dreams figured my life would take this course as a child and young teenager.

Additionally how would you like me to respond to experiences from medical abuse. The medical community removed my ovaries because they were a cancer risk I didn't even know I had ovaries at the time. ?

Consent never asked or given.

For all the awkwardness and general discomfort in my body I have been treated the best ever from my local queer scene.

When you're not cis or trans but a third type it can feel like you have no where you belong.

Thanks for making feel welcomed even if I'm different and have body issues.

I sit with thoughts blazing why did I ever forsake my BDSM interest.

I feel the route is since I was always more sadistic a part of me almost felt wrong to do what others asked.

I like many was bullied as a child. It wasn't just school peers, it was family most of all my parents, and even the medical establishment.

I felt a lack of power almost all my young life it's why I started martial arts to feel I had a way to stop the abuse.

I never wanted to be or do that in other people's headspace. The fear I might hurt someone even accidentally always caused a genuine concern.

To have an individual associate me with a bully made me always ask explicitly what people wanted and perform said tasks.

Negotiation and knowing people's limits and wants are good.

Yet to look at it as a check list to be marked off and then handed back can feel hallow.

I tried to be the perfect experience yet lost opportunities to create art together.?

People seemed to like me and I am greatful, yet the enjoyment wasn't where it could be for me and others.

Only upon deep reflection have I started to realize its because I lacked intimacy,

An exchange, the fact a laundry list might be an important guide on what to do but how one links experiences shares in the moment, even opens up to the potential joy and release matters.

The people I play with should have an exchange that can only come from me.

One who opts to play with me should get to know and explore my nature.

We all have chosen to be honest with a part of ourselves that is taboo culturally.

I believe it is important to also display our vulnerabilities and truly be genuine. When someone is greatful for my presence in their life I am most grateful to be alive.

Still an orphan at heart looking for love.

A true vampire ?

I died ages ago
I can't even say I wish it wasn't so
Discarded my place is not of this world

I cry into the night alone
Silence echos back

reactively, I flinch
a truth buries deep inside peacefully

You knew all along smiles this wide
Are the masks, with which one hide.

Thump, thump, my blood pumps
The bile spreads

I need to feed
An insanity starts to take
Maybe tomorrow I will stare into the sun and duly be done

A magnificence I only imagined
Such a caustic burn
Can abolish what's left

I can resist but I need you
People pleaser puts it too mildly
My existence -- a symbiote

If I were to die
who'd ride the ambulance?

If I were to die
Who'd be suffering for your happiness?

If I were to die
Who'd be there to light you ablaze?

I live by tokens
A passing gratitud
No idea the amplitude
Upon a life which has nothing

let me feed
I am in need
I do any deed

Tears in my eyes. A memory replays.

It's too late now...

A time you screamed that hugging me entrapping me with your earnest plea for companionship burned into my retina.

It wasn't too late for me at that moment,

yet that was the last moment I could walk away and still not have my sanity tested.

Now my resolve has been bested.

I need to be nested beside you,

my body molested with your lustful embrace.

I feel unprotected as you seem to have divested a restlessness resides inside because you're not by my side.

lies I told myself fade as I aided your corruption of my chastity.

Its become almost sadistic how you casually lit my heart ablaze

yet now set me on a maze to find you.

I consented yes

I feel demented now

Without your smell,

the air is stale somehow.

It's too late now...

Yet when I scream it choking on my fears,

all I hear is the echo of loneliness

my instincts felonious

as you are nowhere near.

CW: child neglect

I am Intersex, the name of my condition is Swyer syndrome we tend to have female external genitalia and female internal reproductive structures even though we have XY chromosomes.

Yet when I was born due to me having XY chromosomes my ignorant family tried to have me augmented to be male with surgery and medical hormones.

I had a mostly cosmetic micro phallus I couldn't pee standing and my body never responded for overt masculinization.

My family tried to convince me I was a normal male child even though it was obvious I wasn't.

The lies became beyond abusive when I started to have my period at 13 and grow breasts. My family tried to force me to have my breasts removed and have doctors lie about what was going on with my body.

Ultimately I sued for independence and won so I could have the right to make medical decisions for myself. Still to this day I am injured from choices my family made against my wishes.

I had the mostly cosmetic procedure they did on me as a baby undone to ensure I could be healthy. Yet even with my body as it was intended the fact I faced so much pain anguish abuse from my family and outright rejection caused me to feel ostercized.

Even when I try to share my experiences I feel often punished.

Cis people often look at my lack of a certain upbringing plus my awkwardness at times as just discomforting often they don't wanna hear it.

Trans people often oversimplify my struggles saying that at least I don't have to worry about passing and with my Medical diagnosis no one argued from me getting medical care.

It is for these reasons I feel as if I don't belong anywhere and since my condition is one of the most rare types of intersex it doesn't even have a specific support group online.

To put it in perspective less then 600 people are estimated in the United States have my condition.

Lately it has come to my attention that my own depression and resentment around these experiences has caused friends to feel concerned over my state of mind.

I am trying to grow as a person and look at it in a more healthy way 51% of the world has a female body it is only different in that mine is due to an obscure condition.

Many people are also orphans should those situations cause me to continue to feel depressed and self loathing?

Imagine the opposite if a friend came to me and said I am depressed because I am female and my family wished I was male so they abandoned me.

Would I reply: you should spend the rest of your life depressed about that and hate yourself for the circumstances of your birth.

I used to blame my condition for ruining my life because without this condition maybe my mother and father could love me and I'd get to have a family.

I played in Carnegie Hall, was a published poet, won awards, put myself through college getting multiple degrees without help, became a first responder during covid saved countless lives.

All these achievements and I still feel intensely worthless.

I am finally working on it. Being in a female body isn't a death sentence and to be frank the problem was how my family treated me -not my condition.

Learning to love and accept myself has been something I never even tried to do previously but hopefully there is still time to enjoy part of my life.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

I wish I could call you this morning and tell you what a great night I had.

I know as I was taking care of you while the cancer grew worse, all you wanted was to make up for the struggles I went through and how you had hoped I could heal from the past.

I will never forget one of our last conversations was how you wish you had backed me sooner that I was the best the family ever produced but because of my messed up mother and dead beat criminal father you never expected much outta me just another future dead beat.

But you were wrong. The family was wrong, anyone who didn't get to know my character and heart was wrong.

It always embarrassed me how you kept telling the same story near the end of your life.

It didn't matter who or how yet you always worked this story in,

when I was 4 you were in the hospital and I snuck into the hospital' beds mechanics because they were trying to get me to leave when you were gravely ill. I said no I can't leave. That's my grandma she needs me and I have to protect her. You gotta take care of her and I'm not going anywhere until she's better.

They got special permission to let me stay and I spent that night with you cuddling in the hospital bed.

Well, grandma, tonight your wish has come true.

I have been broken emotionally for a long time, perhaps longer than I can recall. I was on autopilot trying to do as much good as possible as an EMT/ medical assistant while working on becoming a higher level provider and for all the good I did, people I saved, there was a massive whole in my heart.

No amount of good I did filled that void only emptiness. I just figured it was only a matter of time before the darkness consumed me and I might as well do as much good as possible before the story ends.

For the first time, perhaps ever, I feel hope. I can be more than what I have become. I have the potential to change course and do great things not just as a way to find purpose in a meaningless life that I have given up on, but as a reflection of the joy and gratitude for an opportunity to walk this earth.

Grandma I fell in love with someone and she's made me want to beat my illness. I know you wouldn't understand some of the ways we bonded.

I am writing to you on a blog where if you read some of the other posts you'd probably be concerned. But she's good for me and makes the void feel less overwhelming. In fact, I now feel empowered to do more about my condition and this has me feeling optimistic.

I know you'd ask to meet her and be thrilled for me. But sadly, it happened 3 years too late for you to sit across from her. I hope you wouldn't have given her too hard a time, but I will take her to your resting place soon just so you can know her, metaphysically, I want to introduce you formally to the person who changed my life.

So how is it where you are?

You still watching your CSI shows. You know I find them so repetitive. I mean how do you even keep them straight, csi, csi Miami, csi Vegas CSI New York do they really differ enough? 

How do you feel about the switch to everything streaming streaming, you'd often need me to program your remotes and fix the network when it would go down. Would you be calling me every week to fix it, since if anything technology has only gotten more pervasive?

Or maybe I'd set up an Alexa and the fact you could talk to it would finally get you over the digital hump I wish we got to find out together.

I am probably going to the Barbie movie today would you like to come too. I think I could convince you to give it a try.

It's 5:55 I'm crying but, these are happy tears Grandma.

I will be sure to check in again sometime soon. I am sorry we didn't talk for awhile but life has been a lot lately I know you'd understand you always did when I didn't have time.

But I needed to talk to you tonight.

Love you ma

Till next time.

My adult life I have been akin to a freight train heading down a predetermined track.

Yet losing a good friend who was living with me caused me to be shaken in a way that has me trembling just thinking about it.

I was so unhappy I had to change things or else I was worried for my sanity.

The biggest change was violating my goal to not get into a serious relationship until after med school.

It had been 8 years since I had a sexual partner between college post grad taking time to help my grandma dying of cancer working as an EMT during the pandemic this has been perhaps the most crazy 8 years of my life.

Yet finding someone that I feel is a once in a lifetime event I had to accommodate them.

That permission to alter course set in motion a domino effect where I actually reevaluated everything in my life.

I have changed as a person more in the past year then the last 10 not even exaggerating.

I acknowledge I was depressed for those years but there was a certain safety in consistency of action and thought.

This is why for the first time in my life I am genuinely anxious.

I suffer from PTSD and its raging.

Loud noises, or people touching me without permission, or sneaking up on me, has me in literal pain and torment.

It wasn't that long that a co worker to get my attention grabbed me on the shoulder unexpectedly and I i hid under my desk trembling in fear crying.

The coworker then mocked me telling me to get up and stop making a scene.

I told them to just give me a second and they continued to badger me and my inability to handle typical behavior.

They said in jest "what do you want me to do wear bells?" In a condescending tone.

I have never been so vulnerable so open about my struggles I just want to make it through this stage in my life and hopefully come out stronger having gone through this metamorphosis.

Talking to you not that long ago

Seemed like an impossibility

Though I saw in your eyes

A somber soul in need of love

You didn't even notice me

Yet so quickly everything has changed

Because you dared to get to know me

Now I'm the one feeling exposed

I've fallen for you

Maybe I shouldn't even tell you

That every moment I'm with you

Only makes me want more

That simply smelling the one I adore

Brings me such sweet rest

When you hold me 

My whole body aches for

An anxiety that overtakes 

Rooted in that I will have to

Leave your loving embrace 

It hastens the decay of my sanity

It's scary because with but a word

You can end so many of my dreams

Since a world without you 

I deem unlivable

You have silenced many terrors

With but a warm embrace 

Eracing my fears

As you trace my face with

Tenderness and shared tears

I'm scared

Because I don't know how to say

What I'm feeling inside 

Can barely be sane

Id die for you is an easy thing to say

Id die for most strangers

Its a pact all first responders make

But Tavi I'd live for you

And that's something 

I never wanted to do

Having you in my life

Makes wanting to live easy 

Since I don'

t wanna miss a second 

Of the joy being your tomboy

Random thing on my mind.

My first love was a girl named Maria Cozmo she was the next door neighbor to my grandmothers we kinda grew up together.

When we were really young she would sometimes play marry me and everyone thought we'd be together forever at least as friends.

When my dad got visitations custody the neutral place picked for pick up was my grandmothers but often he didn't want to see me so for the entier weekend id be playing with Maria and her little brother Joseph after I got my homework done.

One of my happiest memories was when I was 4 and she was 5 or 6 showing her Zelda the original and trying to teach her how to play it and watch her struggling for hours to do things but that my effort got her to improve.

I'd hug her as she was frustrated at the armor guys and get confused by puzzles I could easily solve

I remember one day when she was in the lost woods and she wanted me to tell her the pattern and I gave her the clue that an old woman in the world somewhere tells you the pattern you just have to find her.

Shes like somehow in the entier world one woman tells you the pattern I'm like yep.

Then she tackled me to the ground and was like or I could just tickle it outta you.

Her family moved away when I truned 10 when it became obvious I was developing female traits.

They didn't want there daughter being friends with a queer person fag.

I was by the bay window in my grandmothers house for 5 days not eating drinking or sleeping. She was my favorite person.

The person who treated me most human was being taken away from me in part because of my body the one thing I never had any control over. Made her parents hate me.

I met her many years later she never went to college married a general average joe had two kids and was sorta depressed her life wasn't more but she was content that she had her kids and a house.

When she met me again she told me two things that it never woulda worked even as friends I'm too liberal and open minded for her shes a devout Catholic and although she feels sorry for me for being intersex that's different then gays trans and other people they are just wrong and sinful. I couldn't help how god made me.

Number two shes not a lesbian and never would be. I asked her of all the times she showed love towards me and she said yeah it seems obvious now that her parents protected her from going down a destructive path and if anything she hoped Id find a man who could help heal me and my confusion.

Makes it easier to not lament her leaving my life knowing she turned into a religious zealot.

But who knows if I stayed in her life maybe I could have saved her brain from being poisoned.

I was raised to be judgemental Roman Catholic as well from Italian immigrants I overcame it maria could have gone a different way if only she was exposed to it.

I wonder how she is to this day last time I bumped into her was my 20's doubt I ever will again since I rarely go to upstate new york where she lives and who even knows if she does anymore.

I met her because her parents died and she was selling off there old home they had kept as a rental property as they moved away.

She said shed like to grab lunch sometime and catch up more but well over 12 years later still waiting.