Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I made a post about having sexual feelings for the first time in my life and I have been getting some people saying how they are happy for me.

After this sorta thing kept happening I feel I must clarify since a comment tonight has brought me to the brink of self harm for the first time in years.

I feel so annoyed at people reading themselves into my previous post.

"I have to admit I'm a little envious of your experience, I had been wishing I could have something that helped my libido and make it easier to connect with potential lovers" (tone deaf)

I am in my 30's and literally besides a random naughty dream here or there since 13 over 20 years I had zero sexual interest or desire. I was a hard asexual - with demisexual tendencies because If I loved someone enough I would be intimate with them for their pleasure alone.

This was my idenity what I knew about me for god damn 20+ years!

A core aspect of my personality my very sexuality is on the verge of death and people are celebrating it?

like oh its not so bad, we all go thru puberty yours just hit a little later.

What's worse is when I talked to my doctors about how emotionally uncomfortable it is making me, they like to point out these feelings are healthy and that since the current hormone balance is making my body healthier, this is thriving! ?

Well I'm sorry not to see it that way, to me it seems like a fucking obnoxious side effect triggered by trying some different hormone levels.

With all the medications that exist in the world the right balance has to sexualize me as an unwanted effect.

I complain about how frustrating it is because I feel betrayed by my body. I hate her (my body)for not being in lock step with my mind about sexuality anymore.

I see this as a corruption of my character.

A part of me is debating going non complaint with my medicine. I am pretty sure I'd rather be disabled then have a libido that's how fundamentally uncomfortable this is for me.

If you have anything at all to say you can say it publicly or not at all.

I don't want any dms over this writing, I am being fully transparent for people who know me so if you wanna talk do it publicly.

I am gonna find a way through this situation but it may mean I let my body fall apart. Don't judge what I do by what's right for you, this is my decision and I am being torn apart over it but will come to a decision eventually.

Also don't debate my feelings on this they are mine and mine alone.

A depressed?‍?

Icegirl-

This year my doctor's changed my hormones around. ( Who knew estrogen and progesterone play a vital roll in overall health)

In every metric I am healthier then last year. ?

Yet once everything was balanced my body went to places I never knew existed. I had always been an asexual, who would only have sex with someone to please them because I am loving. ?

However, with my hormones as they are now that's not the case anymore. ?

There are times when i'm near ovulation that I am in tears because I want to be penterated so badly it hurts both physically and emotionally. ?‍??

I had no idea a female body could desire being fucked and attended to so intensely before. Even crazier is that my body could become this way with some small tweaks to my medicine. ?

Coming from someone who never really had these feelings before it's agonizingly intense.?

I am uncomfortable embracing this emergent aspect. I realize that dealing with my body as it should be is the only healthy path forward. ?

But-

I got used to how I was, these changes make it difficult to cope. The old me is only a memory, there is a comfort in the familiar and a sense of identity that is now lost. I at times feel hopeless since my world inverted. ?

Questions?

Who am I? ?

What does tomorrow bring? ⛅

Will I adapt to the new normal? ?

I am anxious about my future, I hope that the people I end up interacting with will leave positive impressions. I have had enough trauma for 2 lifetimes. ?

I changed more in the last year, then the previous 10. I can use some low drama fun experiences, is that too much to want from the universe. ?

Are you willing to explore and adventure with me - as I find bits of myself I never knew? ?

Love the one and only,

Icegirl-❣️

So tonight, due to watching the stupid football game, I ended up walking my dog a bit later than I normally do. As I am out about 11:30, I notice this gray Mustang-looking car sort of going slow on the block above and it’s pacing me and the dog. There's an odd slant coming where the street above me and the street I am on were gonna kinda get really close, so I went jogging really fast with my dog past that area, and I was like, ok, sweet, that's over with. 

But no, not even a few minutes after that, from the street I am on – at an intersection between a school and a street – I see the same car with the guy standing outside with a flashlight, and I’m like Jesus Christ, am I gonna have to fight this guy? I'm getting too fucking old to fight people (nearly 30 years of martial arts training, I always carry mace and a knife with me when I go walking).

I realize if he's trying to spark an encounter, how to avoid it now. I want to not be taken by surprise, so I dart into a school field far away from the street, so now he and the car can't follow me. He would have to be forced to run up on me on foot, and I will see him and whoever is with him and have time to prepare to fight them. 

As I am crossing the school field and watching the stopped car, I am talking to my friend Sid on the phone, telling them how weird this all fuckin’ is and how I really am sick of this kinda shit. Then, I see them outside the car, but they aren't following me, so maybe they thought I was someone else – who the fuck knows? But once I cross the school grounds, I will be in an apartment complex with cameras and a lot of eyes, so I doubt they will follow me anymore. 

I end up getting into the complex. They still haven't followed, but I can no longer see their position because of a hill and some of the apartments in the complex that are now in the sight line. 

I am telling Sid that if they come in with the car, I know where there is a back fence which basically empties out only a couple of blocks away from my house, and I am ready to sprint if I have to. I will stand my ground and do whatever I have to. As I'm approaching the back gate to the complex, the car does in fact show up and this guy gets out and he comes towards me. I have my cell phone flashlight, shining it right at his eyes while running backwards screaming as loud as I can, “Get the fuck away from me. I will fight you. Leave me alone.” 

Then I start sprinting backwards through the gate, watching him as he keeps walking towards me and he’s like, “I wanna talk to you, girl. What’s your problem?” 

I was like, shit. this dude and me might have to fight. This is gonna be my last chance for escape before I have to engage, so I turn and run as fast as I can with my husky. I just start yelling, “If you follow me, I will stab you,” making as much noise as I can make while running pretty much down the middle of the road so there is no blind spot. 

I run pretty fast (have done max speed on the treadmills at the gym for upwards of a minute, which I believe is 12 miles an hour), not to mention I also had my husky pulling me and my adrenaline in my body spiking, so I was easily running the fastest I have ever ran in my life, maybe 15-16 miles an hour. 

What’s funny is my dog was loving it and, like, howling because huskies love to mush. 

I got home and had to write this all out. 

It’s been running thru my head – what in the fuck was this logical reject of humanity thinking?

A) if it was good intentions, you see I noticed you, am avoiding you, and yet you keep trying to pursue me? Take the hint – I don't want your help or to be surprised by a motherfucker I don't know at midnight. 

B) if it was bad intentions, you can see I was onto your game. Find an easier prey. I really, really am tired of fighting. The last real fight I had was in 2020; some ass tried to hit me with a chair and I had to disarm him and almost choke him out. I was abused in my life. I will fuck someone up hard, but I’d prefer not to. If you see someone who’s hyper-vigilant with a dog in the middle of the night, know they probably aren't your target. Of course, I wish you wouldn't attack anyone at all, since if you want to violate a woman you see alone at the middle of the night, you should off yourself. The world would be better without your deranged ass taking oxygen molecules. 

C) if it was neutral and you just wanted to chat me up because you thought I was pretty or liked my dog or wanted to ask a question like what am I doing out so late, this is not the fucking time. 

Whether it’s A, B or C, it all equals D) dumb as shit. I have had people attempt to mug me. I have had people attempt to car jack me. Growing up in not the best section of New York City, sometimes you face a shitty day, but for the love of god, think before you approach me in the middle of the night, because even though the attempt at interacting with me might have been positive or neutral, at that hour I have to assume negative – because the stakes of being wrong are too high.

I hadn't been a switch at all until this year of my life.

Yet the second my body was bound in rope for the first time, I knew that I could never look at dominance or submission the same way again. The intimate connection I have felt with rope tops has given me a short reprieve from my anxiety and natural nervousness.

The more tension the rope puts on my skin creates a feedback loop where the deeper my troubles seem to fade. An insatiable desire to be bound, held tightly, to be pricked by the bite of rope on my soft, supple skin gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

My shoulder is not known to be an erogenous zone for me, yet once a column or double column is groping me, my whole body changes. As rope is cinched into my skin with a playful pinch, the restriction sets me immediately into a headspace where just me and the top exist. It doesn't matter who's watching or the context. Imagine what it does everywhere else, sometimes a rope top will drag the rope across my hard nipples oh my, you can see flush on my face admitting how much I crave it.

I have only had 4 scenes so far, but each time, as if to humiliate me for once,saying I'd never be a sub when I was young. I was to insecure to admit that I need a break at times from being "in charge." The sheer thought of someone doing kinbaku with a suspension or Shibari can make my heart to flutter like no other kink or experience.

It isn't so much the alluring nature of rope or its aphrodisiac like nature for me that is the key trait. I crave the freedom in feeling taken care of by another, feeling owned with no worries or burden temporarily other then to inform them what the rope is doing as well as whispering gratitue in hypnotic sighs.

 With all the pressures and stresses of everyday life in my high stakes life working as an EMT while doing volunteerism for Maryland search and rescue, I don't get to unplug,turn off, to surrender to moments that would overwhelm many. Often I am under so much pressure to handle whatever fucked up emergency can emerge, and thanks to people, there is an awful lot of crazy going on.

The most appealing thing is an end to my hypervigilance. I get to surrender to the moment and exist divorced from reality, After the first time It created an insatiable need for the freedom given when tied up. I get to believe that my dom can and will provide the safety and security needed to take care of me and my needs in that scene.

I am so grateful to the people who have devoted themselves to this craft. I often get thanked for being an EMS worker yet it is you who have helped smooth out rough patches in my life by giving me a den of rope to rest from an unforgiving world.

Forever yours,

Icegirl-

Wish someone would hold me tenderly.??

Was just trying to take a nap after walking my dog and going to the gym. Yet right after I started to sleep, a light scream turned into jerking motions which startled me and feelings of terror quickly overtook me.

No sleep yet, my body's tense, and I'm practically crying.

Having been abused as a child caused me to carry anxiety to this day.

I have worked on overcoming it, but it can overwhelm me sometimes and I haven't the faintest idea where it's coming from.

Thankfully many people in my life understand or at least try to.

I talk about my real life emotions and experiences since : if I am going to trust someone to kink with that person also needs to appreciate how I'm damaged.

I am the embodiment of Wabi-Sabi.

Wabi-Sabi a Japanese aesthetic concept that finds beauty and serenity in objects, landscapes, designs, etc., that are simple, imperfect, and impermanent:

It's the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which delights in the tarnish on an ancient silver bowl and the old uneven cobblestones.

My scars tell the story of a survivor who appreciates and lusts for life -- not that I am a broken.

This year I was involved in an ambulance accident going to a hospital my calf muscle torn fairly badly. Along the healing process my foot got stepped on and it broke in 4 places.

With that I was referred to a metabolic bone specialist and they recommended me getting back on progesterone treatment.

The treatment did help my bones, my muscles, my general feeling of wellness, my sleeping but it had two really big downsides for one my cycle is now more regular and its like ugh I was kinda happy nit having a period and two I actually have a libido for the first in my lift.

I have so far not acted on it however am starting to consider it.

Watched the video below hit me in the feels. A mother pleeding for someone to validate her son. He was picked on for wearing black nail polish. It gets replied to by someone telling an anecdote about them getting picked on.

My reply -

From a young age I always felt this was our one chance at life. Even if reincarnation or some other afterlife theories were true I had no knowledge of it being as such.

Thus this is it, my moment my life the only one I'm likely to ever get. 

With the stakes being so high everything I do needs to be imbued with the utmost authenticity. Many people exist but I am the only me. If I won't share that with the world and stand up for my right to exist I would have failed to live up to my potential.

At my work today I had a manager at one point ask me if I could tone it done and be less hyper. I said this is who I am I have ADHD and I'm naturally hyper and excitable. 

They then said well you can bother people sometimes also you seem like you wanna be the center of attention you stand out too much. 

I replied are you going to give me a written warning because I am going to continue to be me and when you do write me up id be glad to challenge that your discriminating against someone with a "disability"

 he then said do you think the world should revolve around you.

My reply "this is the Anya show my friend your not even part of the supporting cast. I will always and forever will be myself you and this company will just have to decide if they want me because believe me someone will." 

Never compromise yourself not for a moment. With the limited time on this Earth you should only invest your efforts into you're best interest whatever it is no apologies or explanations required. 

The life choices I made weren't an accident. I have smashed the glass out of a burning car while a grandmother sat inside screaming once.

I come on the scene as a private ambulance stopping because we had no one in the back. "We have to wait for the fire department to come back up; this is too dangerous," my partner says as I jump out of the car.

I said, "What's dangerous is living with myself knowing I didn't do everything I could to save a life."

I fly to the car next to the grandmother on the passenger side; she's confused, her daughter and other bystanders safely on the side walk screaming for help as others are on the phones and or taping. I don't care i got work to do I tell my partner "you Handle them I will help grandma"

Grandma is bleeding from the head - airbag deployed, shes frantic. I tell her "I am going to get her out, but I need you to cover your eyes." I have to do this because the door is damaged and won't open. I can smell the gas fumes and the heat from the engine, and I know time could be limited.

Bystanders want to assist me, I tell my partner to get them back "I don't have time" I smash the glass with my raptor, and the grandmother is startled and starts to scream as the safety glass is all over the place I make sure to brush it aside.

I tell her it's ok, and lean in give her a light hug, and let her know the situation warrants her movement to safety and I will ensure it happens.

First I need to assess whether she can be moved safely. My partner screams about the fuel leak getting worse and says the situation isn't safe; pull back.

I am like, "If it's not safe for me, it's not safe for her." let me do my job.

So I check her C-spine, her sensation, her eyes, and her ABCD's Her bones, and I am flying through the work; maybe it will get done in 1-2 minutes. Her spine is good, her bones are good, basic assessment it seems like a bit of shock, possible concussion, a slight bruise and mild bleeding on head and panic. I let her know that I am going to cut her out of the belt and pull her from the car through the window, and she is like, "Are you sure?" I am like, "Much safer than sitting in a car with a possible fire in the engine and fuel leak, yeah?"

She agrees.

I ask her to hug me and push off with her feet as I pull her through the window. I get her out, she is then holding onto me in a bare hug, and I gently get my hand under her and hold her in a cradle position as we go to the nearby grass. I ask my coworker to get some sheets and a pillow before I lay her down.

When the ground is ready I lay her on the blanket and get right beside her on my keens, saying, "Hey, how's it going?" with a relieved smile she seems to be alert and responsive.

She's still confused and asked "what happened." I told her that her daughter got into an accident and your side of the car was damaged from hitting a wall.

There was a fuel leak, so once I assessed you could be moved I had to move you for fear it could ignite, or you could have issues from inhaling the fumes.

She then was like, "Who are you?" I'm Anya, an NREMT; I'm just glad to be here in your moment of need.

Then I went on to do a full trauma assessment and get her prepped to leave.

After another 5 minutes, the fire department ambulance showed up. When they got there, I gave them the rundown and helped turn over my patient to them. They were pleasantly surprised that everything was ready to go.

A magnitude of intensity burns within me craving freedom!

I feel most alive the more extreme the situation; can you believe the world wants me to stand in line for 15 minutes at Target to buy some bagels.

I feel like I'm dying every agonizing second of the mundane.

Make me feel real, if even for a faint flash! I am the embodiment BDSM because I need the edge. The intersection where Passion, Excitement, Sexuality and Hysteria collide—I treasure It.

An unfortunate part about being female is the nights where I am soaked with tears of need and the moisture of unforfilled nights. An emptiness of both physical and emotional substance.

I'd rather be celibate then take up with another person who didn't love me - Yet my body doesn't abide by rules.

Someone wanna play with me ??

I lament the days I was asexual, life was simpler. Sex wasn't pressing me but an arrangement outta kindness, a desire to please my significant other.

Although these feelings shall pass as research dictates--

"Increased libido as you approach ovulation and a drop in libido once ovulation occurs. According to research, this phase of increased sexual desire lasts for around six days. "

For me it's only a couple of days thank goodness, six would be insanity!

1: When did you lose your virginity?

 Female 14, have yet to willingly allow a man to penetrate me but have given blow jobs. 

2: Rough sex or soft sex? Depends on my mood, I usually perfer intense. I'm a member of a BDSM club. 

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? I enjoy licking and nibbling faces if I am going to be truly intimate with someone I wanna know how they taste all over. 

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? Elevator, what's funnier is I picked it because she always wanted to do that. We were in a college parking stadium that only gets used on game days but someone actually used it while we were getting busy and she didn't wanna stop. 

We ended up being exhibitioned and he the user didn't mind seeing two women go at it- that was my first time being watched. 

5: Favorite sex position? Whatever makes my partner happiest. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? Switch depends on partner mood- I tend to dom. 

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? No since I'm demisexual I won't be with someone I don't care about sex doesn't have to be in kink I will kink with anyone, but sex I save for people I care about. 

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? Anywhere they want. 

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yes

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? Nope, I don't masturbate often- didn't even masturbate regularly until recently. 

11: What does your favorite underwear look like? The one I'm taking off my partner with my teeth or knife. 

12: How often do you have sex? Haven't in awhile usually as often as my partner wants. 

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Sure. 

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Both 

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? Nothing really. 

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Prefer just my partners sounds. 

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? … Not big for music with sex but if someone wanted I'd deal with it. 

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Depends on my mood. 

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Shower 

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? No one I don't feel a sexual connection at the moment. 

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? Yes but only with two women / have always been curious about sex with a female and a male partner. 

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? Yes!

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yeah

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? I for a time was engaged with my best friend. 

25: Is there anything you do after sex? Whatever my partner wants, I tend to be very responsive in my aftercare. I do like close contact hugs cuddling though. 

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? I have some very sensitive locations that if I show you can turn me on in an instant. This one person jo who I met like a month ago ( really awesome by the way) simply tocuhed one such location and my legs gave out almost instantly because the pleasure is so intense for me I can barely function if stroked properly. 

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Whenever my partner is in the mood I get really excited the more I am able to please the person I am with that's a big turn on for me. 

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Hands, I love the feeling of a mans hands on my body and I have always been impressed how much bigger and rougher they are then mind. 

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Breasts! Is there a person who doesn't love breasts? My breasts are also the favorite part of my body. 

30: Do you watch porn? On occasion.