Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Wish someone would hold me tenderly.??

Was just trying to take a nap after walking my dog and going to the gym. Yet right after I started to sleep, a light scream turned into jerking motions which startled me and feelings of terror quickly overtook me.

No sleep yet, my body's tense, and I'm practically crying.

Having been abused as a child caused me to carry anxiety to this day.

I have worked on overcoming it, but it can overwhelm me sometimes and I haven't the faintest idea where it's coming from.

Thankfully many people in my life understand or at least try to.

I talk about my real life emotions and experiences since : if I am going to trust someone to kink with that person also needs to appreciate how I'm damaged.

I am the embodiment of Wabi-Sabi.

Wabi-Sabi a Japanese aesthetic concept that finds beauty and serenity in objects, landscapes, designs, etc., that are simple, imperfect, and impermanent:

It's the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which delights in the tarnish on an ancient silver bowl and the old uneven cobblestones.

My scars tell the story of a survivor who appreciates and lusts for life -- not that I am a broken.

This year I was involved in an ambulance accident going to a hospital my calf muscle torn fairly badly. Along the healing process my foot got stepped on and it broke in 4 places.

With that I was referred to a metabolic bone specialist and they recommended me getting back on progesterone treatment.

The treatment did help my bones, my muscles, my general feeling of wellness, my sleeping but it had two really big downsides for one my cycle is now more regular and its like ugh I was kinda happy nit having a period and two I actually have a libido for the first in my lift.

I have so far not acted on it however am starting to consider it.

Watched the video below hit me in the feels. A mother pleeding for someone to validate her son. He was picked on for wearing black nail polish. It gets replied to by someone telling an anecdote about them getting picked on.

My reply -

From a young age I always felt this was our one chance at life. Even if reincarnation or some other afterlife theories were true I had no knowledge of it being as such.

Thus this is it, my moment my life the only one I'm likely to ever get. 

With the stakes being so high everything I do needs to be imbued with the utmost authenticity. Many people exist but I am the only me. If I won't share that with the world and stand up for my right to exist I would have failed to live up to my potential.

At my work today I had a manager at one point ask me if I could tone it done and be less hyper. I said this is who I am I have ADHD and I'm naturally hyper and excitable. 

They then said well you can bother people sometimes also you seem like you wanna be the center of attention you stand out too much. 

I replied are you going to give me a written warning because I am going to continue to be me and when you do write me up id be glad to challenge that your discriminating against someone with a "disability"

 he then said do you think the world should revolve around you.

My reply "this is the Anya show my friend your not even part of the supporting cast. I will always and forever will be myself you and this company will just have to decide if they want me because believe me someone will." 

Never compromise yourself not for a moment. With the limited time on this Earth you should only invest your efforts into you're best interest whatever it is no apologies or explanations required. 

The life choices I made weren't an accident. I have smashed the glass out of a burning car while a grandmother sat inside screaming once.

I come on the scene as a private ambulance stopping because we had no one in the back. "We have to wait for the fire department to come back up; this is too dangerous," my partner says as I jump out of the car.

I said, "What's dangerous is living with myself knowing I didn't do everything I could to save a life."

I fly to the car next to the grandmother on the passenger side; she's confused, her daughter and other bystanders safely on the side walk screaming for help as others are on the phones and or taping. I don't care i got work to do I tell my partner "you Handle them I will help grandma"

Grandma is bleeding from the head - airbag deployed, shes frantic. I tell her "I am going to get her out, but I need you to cover your eyes." I have to do this because the door is damaged and won't open. I can smell the gas fumes and the heat from the engine, and I know time could be limited.

Bystanders want to assist me, I tell my partner to get them back "I don't have time" I smash the glass with my raptor, and the grandmother is startled and starts to scream as the safety glass is all over the place I make sure to brush it aside.

I tell her it's ok, and lean in give her a light hug, and let her know the situation warrants her movement to safety and I will ensure it happens.

First I need to assess whether she can be moved safely. My partner screams about the fuel leak getting worse and says the situation isn't safe; pull back.

I am like, "If it's not safe for me, it's not safe for her." let me do my job.

So I check her C-spine, her sensation, her eyes, and her ABCD's Her bones, and I am flying through the work; maybe it will get done in 1-2 minutes. Her spine is good, her bones are good, basic assessment it seems like a bit of shock, possible concussion, a slight bruise and mild bleeding on head and panic. I let her know that I am going to cut her out of the belt and pull her from the car through the window, and she is like, "Are you sure?" I am like, "Much safer than sitting in a car with a possible fire in the engine and fuel leak, yeah?"

She agrees.

I ask her to hug me and push off with her feet as I pull her through the window. I get her out, she is then holding onto me in a bare hug, and I gently get my hand under her and hold her in a cradle position as we go to the nearby grass. I ask my coworker to get some sheets and a pillow before I lay her down.

When the ground is ready I lay her on the blanket and get right beside her on my keens, saying, "Hey, how's it going?" with a relieved smile she seems to be alert and responsive.

She's still confused and asked "what happened." I told her that her daughter got into an accident and your side of the car was damaged from hitting a wall.

There was a fuel leak, so once I assessed you could be moved I had to move you for fear it could ignite, or you could have issues from inhaling the fumes.

She then was like, "Who are you?" I'm Anya, an NREMT; I'm just glad to be here in your moment of need.

Then I went on to do a full trauma assessment and get her prepped to leave.

After another 5 minutes, the fire department ambulance showed up. When they got there, I gave them the rundown and helped turn over my patient to them. They were pleasantly surprised that everything was ready to go.

A magnitude of intensity burns within me craving freedom!

I feel most alive the more extreme the situation; can you believe the world wants me to stand in line for 15 minutes at Target to buy some bagels.

I feel like I'm dying every agonizing second of the mundane.

Make me feel real, if even for a faint flash! I am the embodiment BDSM because I need the edge. The intersection where Passion, Excitement, Sexuality and Hysteria collide—I treasure It.

An unfortunate part about being female is the nights where I am soaked with tears of need and the moisture of unforfilled nights. An emptiness of both physical and emotional substance.

I'd rather be celibate then take up with another person who didn't love me - Yet my body doesn't abide by rules.

Someone wanna play with me ??

I lament the days I was asexual, life was simpler. Sex wasn't pressing me but an arrangement outta kindness, a desire to please my significant other.

Although these feelings shall pass as research dictates--

"Increased libido as you approach ovulation and a drop in libido once ovulation occurs. According to research, this phase of increased sexual desire lasts for around six days. "

For me it's only a couple of days thank goodness, six would be insanity!

1: When did you lose your virginity?

 Female 14, have yet to willingly allow a man to penetrate me but have given blow jobs. 

2: Rough sex or soft sex? Depends on my mood, I usually perfer intense. I'm a member of a BDSM club. 

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? I enjoy licking and nibbling faces if I am going to be truly intimate with someone I wanna know how they taste all over. 

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? Elevator, what's funnier is I picked it because she always wanted to do that. We were in a college parking stadium that only gets used on game days but someone actually used it while we were getting busy and she didn't wanna stop. 

We ended up being exhibitioned and he the user didn't mind seeing two women go at it- that was my first time being watched. 

5: Favorite sex position? Whatever makes my partner happiest. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? Switch depends on partner mood- I tend to dom. 

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? No since I'm demisexual I won't be with someone I don't care about sex doesn't have to be in kink I will kink with anyone, but sex I save for people I care about. 

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? Anywhere they want. 

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yes

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? Nope, I don't masturbate often- didn't even masturbate regularly until recently. 

11: What does your favorite underwear look like? The one I'm taking off my partner with my teeth or knife. 

12: How often do you have sex? Haven't in awhile usually as often as my partner wants. 

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Sure. 

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Both 

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? Nothing really. 

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Prefer just my partners sounds. 

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? … Not big for music with sex but if someone wanted I'd deal with it. 

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Depends on my mood. 

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Shower 

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? No one I don't feel a sexual connection at the moment. 

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? Yes but only with two women / have always been curious about sex with a female and a male partner. 

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? Yes!

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yeah

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? I for a time was engaged with my best friend. 

25: Is there anything you do after sex? Whatever my partner wants, I tend to be very responsive in my aftercare. I do like close contact hugs cuddling though. 

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? I have some very sensitive locations that if I show you can turn me on in an instant. This one person jo who I met like a month ago ( really awesome by the way) simply tocuhed one such location and my legs gave out almost instantly because the pleasure is so intense for me I can barely function if stroked properly. 

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Whenever my partner is in the mood I get really excited the more I am able to please the person I am with that's a big turn on for me. 

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Hands, I love the feeling of a mans hands on my body and I have always been impressed how much bigger and rougher they are then mind. 

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Breasts! Is there a person who doesn't love breasts? My breasts are also the favorite part of my body. 

30: Do you watch porn? On occasion. 

I Just had to call outta work today on a holiday, which will mean an eventual write up, because of intense first-degree burns covering 4% of my body, using the “rule of Palm.” I might be a little crazy wild, but when I agree to play with a fire dom, there is an expectation that they will make it hot – not  potentially disfigure my breasts and put me in so much pain the next day that just wearing a bra makes me fight to hold back tears.  

RACK Risk Aware Consensual Kink: I knew the moment I got on the table that an accident could happen and that there is a trust between me and the dom that they wouldn’t do anything intentionally. This is why I am not pissed off at him but upset at myself for the complete trust and the hurting. Note: since it is only a first-degree burn (thank goodness), it is unlikely to leave a scar, but the healing profile for a burn is 10-20 days, and the first days are the most important. (Note: I am a professional medical provider EMT.)

The burn is on the underside of my breasts, which all ladies and other people with breast tissue can tell you is an area of sensitive skin. What makes it worse is when I tried to put a bra on – since it holds the breasts, it is compressing right in the burn area for the weight to settle. I am going to get some special hydrostatic bandages specifically for burns on top of the burn care protocol I have been following to help relieve any unintended damage or direct pressure from now on until they are no longer tender.

This is a fucking wake up call! When I say let’s get crazy that doesn’t mean to lay me up with damage for a week. I have a very intense workout and martial arts regimen and now that’s total fucked because all my energy has to go to preserving my breasts.

A direct message to me, Hey wake the fuck up! I know you pride yourself on taking pain, being fucking wild and crazy, but aren’t you lucky that it wasn’t worse? Imagine if it was a second-degree burn and for the rest of your life you were missing chunks of your breasts?

You can’t just say, yeah, whatever, go for it as long as you don’t violate my 3 core rules anymore and expect accidents like this won’t happen because many male doms are careless idiots.

My core rules are:
No penetration – I save that for people I am in a relationship with or need specific negotiation.

No bodily fluids of any kind. I am STD- and other buggers free. I intend to keep it that way.

No permanent marks.

I assume people would understand what that means and would obey it, but seeing as I am sitting over my keyboard with tits so sore I wanna claw my eyes out, I think I have to from now on understand what doms are thinking about doing, since they apparently don’t have the self-restraint to be better.

Up until this year, I have only been a Dom. I have had moments when I was interested in switching, but I didn’t have the confidence in others to try it, so this was never an issue. With me as dom, I have the self-control, self-restraint, the discipline of someone with 30 years in the martial arts to never hurt any male, female, nonbinary, or other playmate in any way if they didn’t want me to and exactly how they wanted me to.

Now that I am finally trying to explore my switch side, I have just been slapped in my face. I gotta take more control of the situation since trusting doms to dom the way I do with safety first is literally a life-or-death matter with some of the extreme play I have done.

I haven't been definitively attractive for many years after a sexual assult and feeling horrible about my body I just  needed  to fade away.

This year I have reclaimed confidence in myself. I already lost 60 pounds and dropping more by the day.  I am able to go on amazing jogs hikes and bikes. The composition positions flexibility and power of my body is here again. 

Approaching people in a positive loving manner has been great and ontop of that getting support that i hadn't felt in awhile is huge for what little self esteem I have.

This time I am going to love honor and cherish my body by never giving up on myself again.

Its perfectly natural to wanna be an active exciting fun sexy female on top of all the other hats I wear. I just wish someone would play with me more it's never enough. 

Tonight I am nursing a hand I bruised pretty badly going to the gym. I was working out for over 4 hours and was doing leg lifts and dips in my rotation I feel those had to cause it.

Why I work out so hard?

I was abused as a child: physically, mentally, emotionally  as well as other ways. I never wanted to be weak or attacked. 

I know what it's like to feel anxiety. 

How with our current climate could trans men and women feel safe or valued? (note - I am not trans)

The rate of murder, suicide, homelessness, joblessness, discrimination. We live in a world that as a society is getting more sensitive you have billion dollar comedian's and political leaders getting up on stage and openly mocking the most vulnerable among us blaming them for problems they don't cause and millions of people laughing along with hate filled hearts.

It shouldn't have to hurt to be yourself. 

 It is crazy to think people who wanna live their lives in peace get chased from being able to use a bathroom room safely, or teaching without controversy, or in some areas outright refused treatment, but that's better then in some cases where the attempt for treatment is banned outright or a crime. 

God I wish we lived in a world where I didn't have to be paranoid on behalf of my trans brothers, sisters, and nonbinary.

I will say this no matter what you have an ally with me.

Be strong, your loved, your valued, and we will make the world one day recognize your right to exist. It seems like the dark age never left humanity with the way we are so casually cruel to one another. Yet we have the power to make the world a better place.

Love-

I haven't updated my photos on my profile in abit, let me know which you like best. The winner will survive next time I decide to change it up. 

Also, can you tell if I am wearing panties in the picture with me in the corset? (Look closely) ^_^

All comments welcomed click on me and go to my profile to see them.