Ice Girl's public thoughts.

 

Till death do us part ??

 

I have fallen for someone

Which is good because

She calls herself a sex demon

If I was up in the clouds

I couldn't hold her across my skin

 

When I leave her often a panic sets in

Many times already when I sleep

She cures the terror of my screams

Which permeate my dreams

 

I will never forget not that long ago

I awoke mid scream and she was right there

Forehead to mine it's ok I'm here

She said reassuringly

 

PTSD often causes reliving traumatic experiences when it happens at night while you sleep the experience gets classified as a night terror

 

I have been having them most my life

Without any abatement they naturally turned

My world into a tyrannical hell

To have someone care

 

Its more kindness in my life than I have felt before

Thus I will be by her side until death do us part.

I woke at 3am in a cold sweat I ended up having to go and vomit because I was so nervous and upset.

 

I want to share my current struggle publicly because I think this is a decisive moment in my life.

 

I for the first time in nearly 15 years have fallen so in love with someone I'd consider marriage and even leaving the country with them if they felt it was better for there peace of mind and work.

 

I hadn't felt this level of profound emotion in so long that itself is at times enough to make me want to see a therapist just to talk about how its even possible to care about someone so much that I'd do anything for there happiness.

 

So now that it is stated I am in a growing healthy loving relationship 2 months strong there has been something that I feel makes them uneasy that they are polysexual and I have not shown any interest in another person over that time even when they have asked and encouraged me who would I consider and well the answer has always been I'm a demisexual it doesn't work like that for me the emotional connection has to be established first then I can consider another which is why even though I have never outright banned myself from seeing someone before while I was in a relationship it literally never happened (in part).

 

However that all changes today at 12 noon!

 

About two weeks ago I was going to the crucibles flea market and since I was going to be down there I figured I would combine it with a friend who was celebrating getting there apartment.

 

While at the house warming this woman walked in who commanded my attention maybe because something about them seemed familiar or because I just was interested in getting to know them.

 

So we chatted abit and it turns out we had a lot in common but even more importantly they had so many of the things that seem to strike a cord with me personally...

 

Honest, devoted, nerdy, board and video games, pet play, kinky as fuck, liberal, pro LGBT and specifically aware and sensitive towards trans and Intersex concerns, highly intelligent, "a computer programer" lol? Wait a second this in many ways sounds like my current girlfriend so do I need to keep going down the list? Shes awesome! 

 

Of course this person was my "type" and I was extremely excited to meet them and then I said to them you should add me on FetLife I'd love to chat with you again and maybe kink with you sometime.

 

They then with a confusing look said to me dead faced um were already friends...!!!

 

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED ? FELT LIKE I WAS GONNA DIE THIS IS WHY THEY SEEMED SO FAMILIAR!

 

I had just not put two and two together because I had never met them in real life before and most of our interactions had been quite awhile ago.

 

So here it was the moment I knew for a fact this person independently caught my attention twice and I was interested in them as a kink partner and if it hadn't been for my girlfriend more for sure.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about them and how cool and interesting they are and finally said it hey would you like to meet up and kink sometime.

 

They were honest and said that even though they would be open to it they really would like to meet and know me better before taking that step since they want to know me better so we set up a date ? yet at the moment we set it up two weeks ago it was a non romantic date just a meeting to discuss boundaries and consent.

 

However!

 

Opening that door caused both of us to try and get to know one another on an emotional social level and it just so happened that I started to find them attractive...

 

What once was a date where maybe would meet for tea and a brunch turned into them proposing if I can stay long enough we can cuddle on there roof looking at the stars.

 

This is like absolute crack talking to a demisexual!

 

One of the most romantic memories I ever had in my life was with Safi probably the person I was most attracted to in my life until my current girlfriend.

 

She is Jamaican and the daughter of a diplomatic advisor at the time. me coming from New York City is how we met. I missed her so much I saved up what little money I had as a 16-17 year old working at flea markets and doing odd jobs for people while clearly going to highschool and working on my musical talents at the time so it was a lot of effort.

 

But I flew to her to spend the summer! One night in the blue hills of Jamaica at her house she asked me if I trusted her and she wanted to surprise me I said sure.

 

And well she led me to crawl out her window onto the rooftop and we sat looking at the stars and Kingston down below and she pointed put some key points in the city the beauty of the island and then why she loves her home and it will always be in her heart even if she goes to America for education.

 

I then asked her for her attention as I showed her the sky astronomy used to be one of my strongest suits and as we cuddled close I was explaining the consolations as well as naming the key stars and planets we have discovered in them she nuzzled into me and asked something along the lines of is my head only in the stars?

 

I remember looking at her and said sadly yes but my heart beats for you.

 

And then we made out on her rooftop in any other time of my life I probably would of had sex with her but I was still a virgin at the time and just didn't feel it was appropriate for a multitude of reasons.

 

Back to today when this person suggested that to me it triggered a very important memory and helped me find them amazingly attractive even more than I had previously...

 

So now here was the rub ? I was ok with it being a fake date to just get to know eachother but now I wanted a real date because I found them attractive and felt like we could have a special bond that could make them more to me then just a kink playmate.

 

When I mentioned this to my partner I even mentioned that part of why I even let it get this far is I know she's been worried how turned off I have been towards poly but this time I am genuinely interested in someone and instead of shutting it down or avoiding it I am genuinely allowing it to proceed. That I see it as a win win win.

 

She gets to win because it's easier to see I am open to poly if I myself am poly, the girl in question gets to win because she seems to be receptive towards seeing if there is chemicals between us and I get to win because if I hadn't met my girlfriend I know for a fact Id probably try to date this woman and now I get to anyway.

 

So the situation is set why am i up at 4:30 in the morning having vomited from nerves and crying?

 

Because I was rasied Catholic I think is a huge part of it. I went to Catholic school and there's a huge emphasis on no sex before marriage and well although I blew by that long ago they did stress the union between two people being sacred and that it shouldn't be tainted.

 

This is an absolute first for me in my late 30's a time when I am about to go outside my relationship with someone else I am sexually interested in.

 

Logically I know humans weren't made to be monogamous and it's why it never bothered me that my partner is but this is where I might be starting down the road towards my non monogamous status.

 

I never before in my life even considered being unfaithful. So this is so intense I am literally shaking like a leaf in a cold sweat as I write this.

 

Whats even worse the girl I'm interested and my girlfriend are both polysexual. So neither of them are providing any conflict in my feelings they both think it's a healthy exploring of how I feel and its important for me to have that opportunity.

 

I feel like I'm about to faint.

 

The tremendous pressure of growing as a person to not just conceptually support polyamory but to consider engaging in it myself was beyond my comprehension not even 2 weeks ago.

 

Yet I feel this is important for me to accept both women I'm interested in one I'm with currently. How can I relate to my girlfriend without ever even considering the love of another person? 

 

As far as the girl I'm into now if my girlfriend didn't take a slot in my life I'd probably have gone after it so why should I deprive myself if neither my girlfriend or this new person in my life find it a problem?

 

Catholic guilt seems to be the answer I have an instinct/ brainwashing that caused a predisposition towards monogamous relationships even if I was ok with others being polysexual. 

 

I hope my expression of these confusing emotions helps.

 

Ps it's 5 am I am tired can't sleep feel sick from nerves I ain't editing this. You wanna do it go ahead send what you did might replace. 

 

Savagery of love By Tori

 

Intensity the only way

Steal my breath

When you kiss me

Throw me,

Fuck me like you wanna

Pierce my womb

 

As I lay bleeding at your feet

I kiss them

For a moment

The pain I feel inside stuffed

As you fill me with love

My dead eyes,

Momentarily shining as if -- I'm alive

Vexatious Demisexual By: Tori

I awaken exasperated at 4 am coated in goop
I wish it were just dried tears escaping
My body discharges worrisome feelings
The sent of my sex causes the air to be sweet

Over a decade since I was infatuated with another
beginning to wonder if I had been mistaken
Was I Ace?
Yet,
The moment you came into my life,
A gray area reemerged

Nothing can be as it was; you cannot be replaced
Memories already etched into my creature
I used to say I’m already dead people just don’t know it
Yet a gravity between us gets in the way of my
Hopelessness

How dare you escort me into being your companion
I already felt ignored for months
Now you offer a postponement from loneliness
Excuse my inability to suspend disbelief

Life grants no clemency in this world
I am built on suffering; it is what I was born to do
My first breath an oversight
The medical community recommends to abort

Born alone, die alone,
No soul to remember my name
As I turn to dust,
Not a kind word to be said in my stead

Frenetic Misery of Heartache by Tori

Each moment shared, you burrow
Deeper into my heart
Each nuzzle against me
Profanely defiles my solitude

Yet each night, I have to say farewell
Leads to paroxysmal convulsive hysterics
Tears like acid streaming down my face
Burns leaving no remedy or solace

Siren song of another day cannot abate
The horror of here and now without you
I sit wondering if it was just a dream
A lonely soul willing to be duped

The diaphaneity of your flesh
So elegant and tender
Being pulled from your embrace is jarring and shockingly hypnotic
I can but hyperventilate

You grab my face
forcing me to look upon my goddess
You beg me to breathe
I initially resist

My body in full panic from
The emotional torment of separation
So anxiety-inducing -- I can't control it
Farewells are so vicious, my nightmare is reality

I am now separated from you.

Astray to the darkness, I go
You notice the breaking shred of sanity
Demanding I breathe with you
Allows me to mimic breathing again

Once the fear of my imminent
Vertiginous syncope is weathered
You steady my body against yours
Contact now more a taunt than respite

There is no pardon from this moment
Time can never heal this wound
I can't forget this injustice
clawed into my mind

I hopelessly ponder
When you shall torment me again
With the temporary bliss of your presence
For every moment apart reveals to me
A cost to be paid unlike another
The Frenetic Misery of Heartache

How to say I hate you without those exact words

So tonight, my girlfriend had a huge event she was planning with board games, contests, and video games, a massive nerdgasm. I was helping her set it up and was looking forward to being a part of it; if anything, she was worried I would get too involved and I couldn’t enjoy the experience when she would rather see me happy than work feeling obligated to her.

But due to my covid infection given to me by my jealous ex at the fucking perfect time, I can’t go. I was so upset that I had been crying and depressed all day. He heard me crying and entered my room to check on me. I thought it was maybe to console me, maybe show remorse for hurting me. I figured he could perhaps be upset since his unwillingness to be covid reasonable is why I couldn’t even go in the first place.

Yet, in our conversation, all he did was twist the knife. Ron gleefully joked about how much fun everyone was having, and so what if I couldn’t go? No one would notice. He then said it was childish of me to cry since I would see T soon enough, and if she cared about me at the end of the day, who cared if I had been in quarantine for a week or two? I emphatically communicated that’s not the point. This occasion was exceptional, and I was looking forward to it, and it’s your fault I can’t participate. You ruined my plans and snicker. You destroyed my looking forward to tonight. He smugly retorted, “I refuse to apologize for getting sick. Anyone can get sick.” I challenged that statement, “Your risky behavior got you sick when I asked you to be more considerate.” Ron said, “Oh my god, this again. Wake up, Ice, what’s in the past is past, and this is where you now, stuck with me, sick with covid. I hope you’re having a fantastic night alone since I got nothing left to say to you if you won’t hear me out -- and just wanna be a bitch.”
I tried to stop him from walking away, saying, “You can’t say sorry or try to understand why I’m upset.”

Ron’s final words were, “You know I try to understand you, but I’m not immature enough to say I get it. Then he left my room.”

Wow, I was already upset, and then he just decided to kick me and beat me emotionally on top -- doing it with a joker’s grin. The best part is when I point out he’s just being mean to hurt me, and for no other reasons, he’s like, what in the heck are you talking about me being mean to be mean? I am just trying to have a conversation here. You’re getting all worked up over words; I am innocent your just too mentally ill to have a normal conversation.

The moment he went from problematic to villain was the moment he took half a day to come home from work to confront me and my girlfriend in the house, which is hilarious because, MIND YOU, WE (me and Ron) ARE NOT TOGETHER, AND ITS NON OFHIS BUSINESS WITH WHOM I SEE. Ron never tells me anything about how he conducts his life.

So, he decides to question my judgment when he is trying to point out that it’s ludicrous that I care about someone such as T, who I have known for such a short time. I was like, what do you mean? He said “I don’t want to bring it up.” I implored him, “it’s ok, please do.”

Where does the villain go? To my sexual assault and how he warned me that trying to see that friend was risky, he goes into some apparent details of the event, knowing I have PTSD, to try and trigger flashbacks. To which T, who was there, is like you know what you’re doing here. You’re trying to hurt her. You’re blaming the victim.

Ron got defensive at T and stated, “you can’t tell me anything you are not a part of this and don’t know how fucked up she is.” T was not phased, “I care about Ice, and you don’t because look at what you’re doing to her. I can accept her because I’m fucked up too.”

The funny thing is it wasn’t him bringing up my rape as a taunt or now him hearing me cry and making it worse so he can savor my pain that’s hurting me.

The harm is how could my judgment be so wrong about this trash being human?

How could I have loved or cared about such a malicious, vindictive bastard?

He told me how he used to hit and yell at his ex-wife and worked on that a lot and realized how wrong and fucked up that was. Yet in my case, I know he only didn’t do those things not because he didn’t want to but he couldn’t. Once, Ron tried to take a chair and hit me with it in a heated argument -- but I took it from him like a toy. So there was conflict, but because I’m a world competition martial artist, the only thing that probably saved me from his wrath was how he physically was intimidated by me.

Ron has watched me do some insane feats like just a few weeks ago; I was demonstrating how hard I kick to a friend. I had Ron holding a 250-bound water bag, and I kicked it and him over 500 pounds back about 4 feet while he braced as hard as he could. I can easily break the equivalent of two 2x4s. Yet everyone has a weakness. I built up my body because, emotionally, I am vulnerable.

One friend who at one point was intimidated by me at first was like woah, Ice; you’re not intimidating at all. Puzzled, “excuse me?” She exclaimed, yeah, you’re pretty much a cupcake that puts on a suit of armor, like how batman is just a scared edgy kid trying to stop the hurt of being powerless. Ice, you’re a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, wanting so desperately to be loved and appreciated that once someone gets in past your armor, they can squish you with a look.

Writing about the pain and acknowledging this for posterity will help me build the resilience I need not be duped by Ron or any other abuser’s bullshit. I want to see him be redeemed and believe I didn’t waste 20 years of my life on my enemy. Yet how long will I allow myself to suffer for the mistakes of the past?

If he wants back in my heart, he needs to earn it. Every time he attacks now is inoculation from future consideration. My resentment of him is the ultimate cure to purge him from my life, once and for all.

In the last entry, I claimed he didn’t see how I had changed over the years. I can see how he has changed now since I have someone I love and want to be with. Maybe it’s time I take my advice and realize he’s changed, and I don’t need an abusive ex in my life. I got enough issues.

I apologize to everyone who has cared and watched how this has affected me as of late. I had signs that Ron was a total shitbag my whole life trying to sabotage me, but I always wanted to see it as a mistake, accident, or misunderstanding.

The worse event was a couple of years ago, when I finished all my classes to apply to medical school, I hired an independent company to assess my candidacy. They pointed out that no shadowing experience or work in the field makes me a pretty average candidate since everyone who gets into medical school has good grades and can create a grand narrative. The only people who are sure things are the total package, and right now, I still need bits. I was like, well, due to covid, I can’t get any experience without working in the field because no one is taking anyone. They were like, exactly, and they gave me a list of 40 jobs that counted as clinical experience and said that the best move is to take one of those jobs or get what’s needed to do one of those jobs while doing some volunteering in the field or adjacent and that would plug my last hole and make me a superb candidate.

When I told Ron this, his response was WAKE UP, ICEGIRL; it’s over; your too old it’s gone on long enough. Your road always has another hurdle, another reason not to do it. Admit it you don’t have what it takes to commit to your dreams. You should humble yourself, look in the mirror and say you don’t want it badly enough.

I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I have now seen the last issues with my candidacy and will address them.

Ron stated yeah, sure, whatever; you graduated from UNC in 2015. It’s 2020, and you’re not in medical school. When are you going to wake up? Are you are not going to go? It isn’t your future but a dream; sometimes dreams don’t come true; that’s life.

But in the last two and half years, I have been in search and rescue as a Wilderness trained Emergency Medical Technician; I got a job as a professional Nationally registered Emergency Medical Technician and became a certified Federal emergency management responder. I have saved countless lives, and what was once a weak spot for my candidacy is now the most robust section I have. Where many people apply with barely 160 -800 hours of shadowing, I have nearly three years of professional and volunteering medical experience and did it during covid, one of the most difficult stressful times there has ever been to be in the field.

I have saved many lives and been on rescue operations and preparedness drills. I will miss this part of my life once I become a higher-level provider. I might seek to keep my NREMT license just so that I can occasionally be out on an ambulance or in the woods saving someone instead of just doing treatment in a clinical setting. Who doesn’t wanna be on the front lines where the action is?

So one has to ask why Ron, who knew how much that meant to me, tried to get me to give up.

Well, he told me point blank how many people that become doctors or higher-level providers move on and forget the people who got them there. Ron would rather see me abandon my dreams and life goals to be with him. Ron wanted me to break promises to myself and to the intersex and trans community to become someone that can treat us with dignity and respect. I want to help write an improved standard of care that would hopefully be adopted because it’s from the lived experience of a lifetime of knowledge that can’t be instructed on. I am a board member of Oii America. I have written testimony for intersex and trans bills and legislation and given many talks about Intersex trans and nonbinary issues, which is part of how I always planned to contribute going forward with my life.

Did he think I would ever walk away from the reason I live and breathe?

Then when I got all achieved a while ago, I shoved it in his face in an argument about how I am beyond ready to apply now. He stated that it was all reverse psychology and that he didn’t mean to hurt me but to get me to stop bitching and focus. It was him supporting me that is why he shit on my dreams so much.

He tried to take all the credit for my hard work of getting all the ducks in a row and smashing them. YET I KNOW THAT’S BULLSHIT.

Did he ever ask to help prepare me for the test?

Did he ever really care how I was doing?

Shit, I realized I had to stop telling him the days of my finals because it would just so happen that often we would fight and have nasty moments of stress the night before or mourning of! He liked to blame it on my added stresses that I was seeing a pattern based on me being unstable, not him. Yet, when I stopped telling him when the dates were and just kept to myself more and focused on my studies, surprisingly, there was peace and no arguments right before critical examinations. Freeing myself from Ron is even more painful because I am breaking through the millions of lies he sold me. Ron never wanted anything out of me other than a complete subordinate; it is so sad. I was so blind. I believed he wasn’t the person people had pointed out to me.

I tried to keep the faith; he isn’t who he seems to be yet for what reason?

Do I want to believe his lies or my emotional responses to him that cause me to shutter whenever we interact?

The raw reality of this situation has brought me to my knees in tears. I ask life for the strength to rise stronger after this. I have a heading. There is no delusion of my and Ron’s relationship; it is how he always wanted it to be. I am merely breaking free of those restraints holding me back from where I need to travel.

An upsetting and exciting situation in my life

I am still working on 2-3 very long letters explaining What I have been going through. Even when they are done, a larger question comes how much of them do I even care to share with the general public since they are pretty personal.
Due to some people being concerned about me, I should say something. This is that summary.

Having no "real" biological family made me generally someone who wants to believe I can have a chosen family of people I trust. Still, sometimes I get it wrong in whom I trust. I am only human and can make mistakes.
I currently live with someone I have known for nearly 20 years, and, at one point in my life, he was the most important person since he met me when I was extremely depressed and suicidal. His support at a critical time helped get me back on my feet. However, even though I am grateful to him and it has been clear, we haven't been in a relationship, stated by his admission, for at least five years; I guess he had some idea that I might come around one day. Since that never happened because I am not interested in men has been an issue. My now having a girlfriend hit him hard since he can tell how much I love her and it is different than the love I have shown him.

Because of dating T, he has gone from troublesome at times but overall a neutral force in my life to a vindictive, abusive psycho that makes even having a conversation seem difficult. If he were any other person, I probably would have already told him 100% to go fuck himself. It's hard to walk away and not try to fix it since he historically meant so much to me.

However, he verbally, emotionally, and biologically attacked me almost daily once he learned I was dating someone in a serious manner. The level of outright disgust and cruel words he uses are beyond compare. The biological attack is that even though I had asked him to please be more considerate of covid, since I was now around a person concerned and didn't want to make her sick. Well, he got even laxer and intentionally coughing and sneezing without so much as covering his mouth to disrespect me intentionally. By the way, the house he lives in, by his admission, I am 80% responsible, and I had given him pretty much my entire life savings a down payment for which he has paid me back not a cent over ten grand. Ron ended up contracting covid either by intent or stupidity and spreading it throughout the house; he even got me infected.

Great job ass.

This action has caused me not to be able to see my girlfriend, I had to miss the final week of school for some of my half-semester classes, making it difficult in some of my classes, and my grades might be in jeopardy; I was also supposed to start working on the 20th for an externship at Mercy hospital and now got pushed back till the 27th. When I asked him to apologize for his actions that had caused this disruption, he claimed it was all my fault; I made him angry, vindictive, and jealous, even me asking him to be more careful in regards to covid because T is my fault because of course it was gonna make him not do it I apparently forced him to be less reasonable. After all, I shouldn't have mentioned her, which made him wanna do it less. No matter what I do or say it would seem I am unable to reach him now.

It hurts so much that the first person I have been intimate with in over eight years has perhaps caused the end of Ron in my life by his design. Instead of being happy for me and supportive, he has gotten volatile, mean, and nasty. Even two nights ago, I had to remove my vital documents and two of my most essential things. I can no longer trust that he will not be worse in our state of falling out. I refuse to have my birth certificate and the rest held hostage; this is the level of our relationship.

Now you might be like, well, at least you did it for following your heart, that might be so, but I think part of the reason why this is so hard for Ron to understand is I don't usually do that. My name is icegirl on these platforms for a reason I do not make the emotional decision but the cold logical one. I haven't ever been allowed to live in the moment I was always one bad day from the streets. I lived independently since I was 16 because I had to sue my parents for custody since they refused to give me treatments for my intersex condition. I was so ill at the time that people would often joke if I was dying of cancer. Last month, when seeing a doctor examine my delicate bones, they showed that I was stunted in development from the years of hormonal desperation my family put me through then. What does someone with no family and options at 16 learn I can’t make a foolish decision or else my life is over.

So the fact that Ron has been in my life since 19 makes him one of the first people who meant something to me when I had nobody else. He knew me as well as most people, could, yet he overgeneralized my predictability.

Ron underestimated two things one personal growth- everyone changes over time but he didn’t notice I am not the person when he first met me. He must have some frozen assumptions about who I am and what I am about. second I always was a hopeless romantic, but I had never met anyone before, which caused me to say that if I didn't give my everything I would never forgive myself. Thus, the people I dated or so-called relationships before never mattered that much, even those I cared about sincerely, Ron often meant more to me than them. So if a choice were between Ron, school, career, or whatever, the person I was dating would be removed.

Thus it must be shocking to him that, on only my second date with T, when he asked me in front of her to decide for me or T, I was like, T, you still good with me living with you? She's like yeah, why do you ask? Do you think this guy was going to change that? I looked back and said, " Well, that means I am moving in with T. HAHAHA, it's hilarious because I could see the stunned look on his face, my behavior towards him was foreign it must have caused an immediate seizure.

So let us investigate what's so different about how I feel in the case of T?
T is the 12th female I have been intimate with/ dated. I will now introduce a statistical concept known as the secretary problem. There is a logic that when you interview someone for a job, the first person isn't usually the best, but you must pick someone. So how many should you question to save time and get the best person? In short, how do you know you chose the best person?
There are lots of strategies to arrive at this. Some say look at the first 4-6; the next time you get someone at least as good as the best one, then hire that person. It is all about optimizing your chances since it's about the optimal strategy for making the best selection.

Here's what's crazy in my case, T is the best selection of a significant other I have come across. If she were to leave me, all other people would have to be measured by her. I have never encountered anyone I have ever been with thus far since I started dating at 16. I'd rather be with. It took me 20+ years to find her granted the last several years; I wasn't putting myself out there, but that's still over a decade. So when you meet someone such as an ideal match, the logic dictates that instead of trying to keep options open, seeing what happens, or playing it cool, you need to secure the situation, i.e., Id do almost anything to make it work like throw Ron to the curb if he gets in the way probably one of the four closest people in my life previously.

So even though it's a passionate decision, I am still filled with a logical underpinning; one might wonder if these are the rose-colored glasses of a new relationship. I will quantify why it is not with four examples, although I can go on for ages.

First, None of the people I dated before is more understanding and supportive of my gender dysphoria. I know that I physically am a "cis female-bodied person," but I am Intersex. My body only happened to be this way because of a genetic disorder that sometimes weighs on me. I am occasionally upset over this situation, but I deal with it. The biggest issue isn't my condition but how my family and early medical experiences made me feel about myself. In contrast, pretty much all my other partners either didn't get it, couldn't get it, wouldn't get it, or even outright judged me over it and made me feel like they were doing me a favor dating me.

T stands alone as someone who has been able to help me feel more comfortable in my body than any other human I have been with. She is so supportive that it's even hard to type this out. My mother always told me the worst decision she ever made was not aborting me because I'm an abomination. What was the cause of all this bitterness and rejection? Having a rare 1 in 540,000 intersex disorder which caused me to be a perfectly healthy female oh, the horror. So this has been and probably will always be the most significant thing I deal with emotionally. She has helped in ways I didn't think possible.

Second I had been sexually abused, which has always been challenging to feel safe and comfortable expressing my sexual needs and desires. It's not that I don't have them; Demisexuals aren't asexual, but I need someone I can feel emotionally vulnerable and safe with to begin exploring those feelings. She provided such a nurturing, safe environment that I trusted her as I had no other. I find it humorous at times. She is so careful that she will ask me permission for any slightly new act because she wouldn't want to upset or harm me in any way. The amount of care she has shown to ensure she didn't rush me, to meet me where I am, and support me in the process has been like nothing I experienced.
This is why she is the first person I not only gave permission to fuck me with a strap-on but enjoyed it.

Third, I am writing this originally for a kink journal. Some who know me personally shall read this. I am pretty into BDSM, and T is the first person close to my kink style. Veronica, a woman I was engaged to marry at one point, was the next closest Yet Veronica's idea of kink was a bit of role-play and maybe some light spanking. I have freaking fire dommed T, and just last week, she had me tied in rope and pulled me around like a rag doll, and I loved it. If veronica could see the shit that goes on in the club I'm at, the stuff I do now, she'd faint. It's fantastic to be dating someone kink-compatible with me.

Forth I Love board games and geek nerd culture in general. Early in the conversation, T asked me what I thought of board games. I was like, well, I owned over 75 now, roughly between college and moving around, wondering where they all are. They were unbelievably happy since they also have an enormous board game collection of over 100 games. I am really into board games I was the co-president of my colleges Board game club for 3 out of the four years as a student. I also produced a few youtube videos for The Dice Tower (one of the largest board game review websites) I also played competitively for chess magic the gathering and was a professional hearthstone player ranked the highest female in the world for a time. Board games, and geeky things are a massive turn on for me. One of the things that suck about living with Ron is that he wouldn’t let me establish a gaming group at my house because he was always so annoyed at the fun me and my gamer friends would have. Ron doesn’t like board games, he never showed an interest in them. I find it odd that he could hate board games at all since I have every type of game, and some are just fun party games designed to have a good time and brake the ice. Not everything needs to be competitive or should be.

Speaking of competition, the first time T was at my house, she introduced me to the game Onitama an abstract strategy game even though she just showed it to me, I got an initial board and tempo advantage, putting her in a desperate position. Then in a daring move, she put her king in quite the spot, and although I should have been able to capitalize off it, my newness to the game, plus unbelieve arousal at just being around someone I found so attractive, caused me to blunder it, and I lost the game after an epic 30 minute battle. She gave me props for giving her quite the challenge when she usually steamrolls people, especially when she plays against new players. It was the most fun I ever had losing a game.

If you want to know more, I can go on more gushing about the girl I am dating. She is my favorite person I have ever been with by many metrics. Even though it's only been four weeks, I don't need more dates to know she's irreplaceable to me. Thus I will do my best to improve her life in every way possible.

Anytime I see her, I get excited and happy. What's the point of life if you can't love and support the people you care most about? The fact that Ron got me infected with covid, which has made it impossible even safely to interact with her then, has filled me with such rage that I didn't even know I was capable of.

Meditation, self-actualization, and knowing that this is a brief moment have helped calm me down. What is upsetting me now will one day be just a memory. Ron is so clearly going to mask off in all of this. It has made my decisions and path forward clear.

Thank you for caring about me and reading,
Icegirl

Shamelessly Intersex!
We live in a time and place, where every passing hour being intersex is ever more looked at as a crime. My breathing of air is enough for the judgment of many, a jury of my peers currently votes and supports an agenda that aims forth to summon a governmental execution - to befall me and any like me. I have a condition known as XY sex reversal syndrome, which triggered complete androgen insensitivity, and persistent Mullerian ducts. In short, I’m a biological / sex / phenotypical female due to mutations there is nothing male about me.

What has this birth condition cost me? First, not a single cheerful moment from my childhood. My family was unable to wrap their head around an XY female thus they treated me with vile bigotry from birth. The playfulness you see within the sparkle of my eyes is the outburst of a repressed body finally getting a taste of joy. The beatings for not being like other children. My mother looked at me as a curse that befallen her, and her family blamed her drug habits as the cause. It was simply her manner to escape the horrors of her existence. In reality, my birth was a numbers game 1 in 540,000 live births end up like me so I was inevitable as the sun rises in the sky.

Yet to ask these anxious questions about humanity and my existence out loud I often would see pitchforks emerge. So-called friends fall away like dead leaves abandoning me with a betrayal only feeling remaining a frosty cold that bites into the soul. It is why celebrating self-acceptance and this new phase of my life is tremendously important.

Not that long ago, I had to post about some medically challenging news my hormones had to be augmented in such a way as my body reached a proper equilibrium. Currently having the sex and developmental basis of any other cis woman I want sexual contact with penetration, I regained regular cycles with even more intense hormonal shifts in mood, and that’s not even getting into the fact I was informed that I am going to need to continue this treatment the rest of my life or else my body would fail me as it had been. The changes I found so fatiguing and strenuous to adapt to are considered a natural state of womanhood.

Complaints to the medical establishment got met with mockery. The doctors see it as a triumph, getting my body to behave characteristically by its developmental nature my feelings and insecurities in my body be damned.

To be given the choice to watch my body break or develop an understanding of my body responding as a more biochemically active female was shocking. I had to reflect that maybe life just wasn’t meant for an abomination like me. If you wonder why I use those words it’s the same my parents and church used throughout my childhood. I always was told I was the child not even a mother could love and if she could have one wish fulfilled it would be never to carry me to term.

Yet just allowing myself to exist long enough I gave my mind time to adapt. Yet that alone wouldn’t have been enough. There is a saying you are nobody till somebody loves you. Finally having someone love and appreciate my body even with all its eccentricities helped me to experiment with it in ways I never thought possible strange virginal delights experienced joyfully. Who woulda thought someone with a body built to be penetrated vaginally can savor it more than breathing, sharing such a defining moment with a skilled competent lover made me feel safe enough to be vulnerable it changed my life. She offered me more than a passing passion but a resurrection of identity.

I now reflect with a bit more anger on the past. I was born in a female body yet if only society didn’t make me hate myself for so long I could have adapted earlier, rather than feel resigned as if a death sentence befell me. Adaptation and celebrating myself are healthier ways to be, I wish I had these feelings much sooner. It’s not like I ever had an option anyway. I am glad I finally got here on this journey, I am forever grateful to Tavi for helping me resolve the puzzle of accepting my body. It is complicated for me to fully know the future since the past has dissolved in many ways, I shall not toil on such thoughts.

I am full of resolve to continue on a path of growth and curiosity, if things about me can change that I never thought possible what’s next -- is anyone’s guess.

Addicted to love- By Tori

A compulsive longing devours the hours

As the time expires, it brings with it existential urgency

A hunting begins

The past of us together

Or a future when I can see you again

Is an unrivaled place where I feel remarkably alive

A place where emotion, devotion, and lust become agency

 

A void enormous grows

Gravity begins to weigh heavy upon me

Bliss is as dangerous, and addictive as any narcotic

The feeling of having you in my arms revealing

I was safe enough to sleep in front of you

 

Yet the terrors of my mind a poison - for which there is no remedy

Remove me from rapture

A quiet scream startled me awake wondering where I am

I quiver

Your warmth is a temporary antidote, petting my head relieves restless panic

Lost in the moment consoled I was torn from you by our position

 

An embargo on love is now the quandary

Here I am emotionally searching inward

On if that was reality, or truly lunacy

No tonic tonight

My only companion, the darkness of anxious thoughts blanketing the mind

Yet hope maintains sanity

Bliss exist on this earth, and as such a possible end to this loneliness

Shall our orbits once again align, and the addition is temporarily fed