Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I have lost over 50 pounds in roughly 4-5 months I have been training as hard as I humanly can since I want to be a taekwondo champion. I am at a gym that has one of the coaches for team USA and he's not dicking around this year he sent 11 of the 40 Americans who qualified for worlds from his gym. Additionally a couple of people who made it come from a few states away to train with him.

Last night as i was doing a double class for the second time this week which is 3-4 hours of brutal Olympic level training. He introduced a new technique to me that I never tried he didn't explain it or let me practice he had tied a strap to my belt and had someone hold it and tug on it to work the explosiveness.

Since it was a totally new sensation I was having difficulty with the constant force pulling me off balance while I was doing the technique. As I struggled he came right next to me and started screaming go fast faster god damn your doing it wrong. I then said sorry I never did this before its really hard.

Then he truned away saying no I'm sorry and walked away.

Then he didn't talk to me for the rest of class.

I knew he isn't a fan of "back talk" but I figured this wasn't that I was trying to explain why it was so hard to do.

He then said he didn't want to talk to me that I am totally uncoachable and I lost the right to call him coach that he has lost his faith in me that as soon as he put some faith in me I couldn't handle the added pressure because I'm a child and i need to grow up.

It was devastating even now I'm crying I have for Months given pretty much all my free time. My diet, my exercise regimen, my breathing, my training  my constant listening to his berating me for months on end and one sentence of explaining my struggle and hes willing to just throw me away as if none of what I been able to achived mattered.

I have never been treated to such an indignity he knows everyday I give it my best. Infact the whole point of why this even happened is I am starting to double up classes I went from 4 hours of weekly instruction of him to 9 and that much has been hard for me, barely doable but I was surviving my hope was the stressing would get easier as my body adapted.

Yet now he's turned his back on me, this is on top of a good friend killing themselves in my home no less, and having my school all up in my face about how I am not processing my grief properly because apparently me demanding to do my work and let me be the student I am capable of is incorrect.

If this wasn't all one of my best friends mothers just died literally yesterday and I have had to do my best to council them. God I have tried so fucking hard and I have seen the improvement under his coaching but one mishap and he comes down on me with a righteous anger. 

I have never in my wildest dreams thought a human being could ride me so hard that with a sentence they could tare me apart. I know its because of how emotional I am during this time. My ex Coach has got to be the hardest person I have ever met. I just thought we had reached a new level of teamwork and the second I do something he doesn't like he rips the rug out from under me and makes me feel absolutely dogshit. No opportunity for corrective action now I'm stuck begging for him to coach me again.

Some have said already why do I take this or there's gotta be other coaches. I disagree he makes champions I gotta believe if he gives me another opportunity I will be even more prepared and go further. No human I have met has challenged me and pushed me as hard as this individual it's gotta mean something. Months of blood sweat and tears now I'm only more committed going forward to bring it even harder don't know where I will find it but I'm gonna dig a little deeper. 

I woke up thinking how many male friends I have known to complain how unfair it is that they get boners or inconvenient hard ons. That's not the only complaint as males get older it happens less then they complain about that some even take medicine to fix it, is there ever a time men feel there dick is just right?

Yet does anyone take the time to care how it feels for a female? Not that long ago much of conservative media was freaking out at the song WAP, apparently even mentioning how wet horny and sexually empowered women can feel was too much for fragile minds. 

Yet is it fun to have your panties turn into a sweet sweaty salty mess with fluids starting to leak out of you uncontrollably?

I say absolutely not especially if the male or female who caused the problem don't even care that they trigger such an event in you. 

Last Saturday when I went to a place where play can happen My first play partner was teaching me some knife/ edge play and at first it was all fun and games but then once my eyes were closed and he rested daggers on my throat while continuing to drag blades across tender parts of my body how was I not supposed to on the brink of a tremendous orgasm the entier time.

If anything as he could tell my excitement was reaching to the point I was in near tears he was like well maybe we should come back to this later. Its was like being cut off cold turkey from oxygen. I won't go so far as to say he was being intentionally mean but I wanted more and had to walk around almost painfully aroused the rest of the night was that the fucking point it was almost sadistic. 

It kinda makes me wonder if in my purse or car should I bring a change of panties in the future because if people will tease me mercilessly to the point My vagina feels more moisture than water park it isn't a fun feeling at all.

At least not for me I like feeling clean. I have always been fairly easy to arouse because tender loving contact is my love language. People who actually watch me play or are my partner would notice right away I love kissing sucking and licking my playmates all over there body the emphasis is I like to have a map of every spot they like tenderized. Since everyone is different and like different things one has to probe quite abit to find out where how and to what intensity. For one a flick of the tongue on the nipple is enough for others they want it tugged in your mouth while providing enough suction that you can elevate the entier breast while you tenderly kneed it with your hands.

Everyone is different its why I always try to tell people my relationship and interaction with you is going to be unique because you and your needs are going to ask for unique elements from me.

I always aim to please as a switch that means anything is possible from me or for me. My life is at its most complete when I am servicing others and bringing them to experience the joys of existence since this life is already shitty enough -- why not have a moment here or there where someone treats you like your the most important being on earth?

Yet all I ask is please don't make me wet for no reason if your into me at least fully get me off. Thank you an agitated pussy public announcement. 

Some days my sex drive is so strong especially a day like today when I'm tried stressed and exhausted from a long day I just wish someone would have sex with me and let me cuddle with them after nibbling there neck and and playing with them.

For too long in my life a combination of my family trying to force FtM on me and sexual abuse made me think it was impossible to ever try again at having sexual partners I was far too anxious and afraid.

I am finally at a place where im ready to come out my shell but its been so long I'm still very anxious.

Also before I had a no penteration rule.

I swear i had a someone eat my pussy out a couple of weeks ago as i had my thighs wrapped around his head. If he wanted to he could have easily just fucked me after I came all over his cute little beard. My legs went limp and i literally did everything but beg the man for sex but he was a gentleman and didn't take advantage of me because pre scene I said no penteration.

Yet its so hard to stick to that when every fiber of my body at times is dying for more.

For those of you who have followed me for awhile dear god you know this isn't the way I used to be.

I think. Finally just accepting me for who I am and no longer being dishonest with myself or trying to lead myself into some fantasy.

I'm a healthy female with a sex drive is it that "unusual' I wish someone would bend me over spank me till im sore rip my panties off eat me out a bit and then fuck me till I had no choice but to go face down ass up and leave me in a puddle our own sweat and wet. If anything I think from the women I been with its kinda typical . 

I really wish there was a cool chick who'd fuck me but its getting to the point where since men keep throwing dick at me almost everyday maybe trying one for a change wouldn't be so bad? 

Sigh 😥 

Just read a 68 page research article on the most effective techniques used to stimulate female sexual gratification through pentration.

He is the article link if you wanna read the information yourself

4 female sex techniques proven to enhance pleasure

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8046227/

It is well sourced and had no conflict of interests just an acknowledgement that very little attention has been given to women in this area and it seeks to help acknowledge sex as a fundamental right for women and thus women need to and should know how to better enjoy sexual gratification.

I shall mention the techniques and talk about my own experience or lack there off with them.

The first they addressed was angling which they describe as titling the hips or positing the implement to hit a specific area that feels good often with a pelvic tilt down or up to make the thrust / insertion more shallow or deep.

Personally have fallen into this technique naturally since never heard of it specifically before but would do something that clearly relates. When I'm in the mood to be penterated and enjoying it often times it feels good but doesn't get me over the top. So one of my personal tactics is once my muscles naturally start to clamp and grab is to use my hips as leverage so that I can pull on the object, normally I tilt my hip towards my face while arching my lower back.

I assume the strength with which I can do this might not be as pleasurable for a guy since it feels almost like a clamp tugging and constricting tighter and tighter and then I think I eventually get the pressure and angle just perfect and it hits somewhere nice and sensitive and what was once me in an almost tug of war with the implement turns into me going limp and having total body contractions

The second technique talked about is rocking this is where while there is an implement inside there is a deep pentration with no thrust but a rubbing of contact with the external so the person is filled while having clitoris and vulva stimulation.

I know as a lesbian who used a harness perhaps with too much enjoyment I have used this very technique on the majority of my female sex partners after enough thrusts to have them satisfied of that sensation I have noticed often they don't want more but they don't want removal either.

Now from my own experience I can tell the feeling of being filled is nice but yeah anything that doesn't have some level of progression can just become boring.

So what would I do?  When I'm inside them I would often make little twitch like motions that are by design made to tease and surprise also to mimick a total body orgasm which often pleases women quite alot. If they ever pulled me tight then iy would press my pubic bone into there's and rub genitals while ensuring the pho cock stayed in and often using it as a leverage point to get a better grind for more direct and often intense contact.

Alot of times while using "rocking" since I am not a guy the pleasure I get from it is to see the partner enjoying themselves you can tell if I am really aroused because I would go to my oral fixation and thus suck there breasts or nibble on their neck or slowly trace their body with kisses and polite sucking.

Shallowing is the technique on the list that I never really utilized to it's full extant. Shallowing focuses on the fact that the majority of female nerves are actually in the first couple of inches of the vaginal opening. Apparently the joke of just the tip can actually do more then I ever thought.

The one thing that kinda lent me to realize this was when I would do oral women seemed to really like being penetrated with my tongue 😛 often I would upon going inside slowly bring it out while licking up towards the clitoris often applying a little suction with my lips and or a tiny nibble for the more adventurous women.

I never used the technique on myself and to be frank don't know if I could handle it lol 🤪. I am naturally nervous of my sexuality and body so to kinda tease edge and maybe even get it hyper aroused makes me feel so confused. Like I am sure I'd like it but that's bad for some reason ahh people who grew up not only Catholic but LGBTIQQAA and kinky I have so much to unpack I am most of the way there but still need a tiny bit (enormous 🤣) amount of work.

The last of using clitoris stimulation while being penetrated is there a female on earth that doesn't know that? 

Like it was only something like 86% of women do it so like is that 14% unaware?

Because I am gonna say it right now fuck yeah that works when I am in the mood to be penetrated which is rare and I just wanna go for raw pleasure I have a dildo inserted with a wide flat basd and then i take my hatachi wand and I grind that mother fucker like I am trying to snap the head off while in a perfect world keeping some contact with both the dildo and clit as much as possible. Even me someone who kinda prides themselves on being hard to please can't quite get enough of this, in fact it single handedly got me comfortable with penetration because the added stimulus made things feel better I try not to over do it much since like anyone who gets an extreme pleasure I'd hate to become desensitized to the stimulus.

I think it does definitely let me know that I need to and perhaps should work that more into play with someone I'm with in the future. Of course discussions always needed on what people want but of you haven't done this yet you are missing out girl, go and get it. 

Thats the summary and some real world experiences with the 4 ways proven to enhance female pentration pleasure. 

Ladies demand them, sex should feel good and men if you're with a woman and not doing them your making a mistake when you could be the best sex a woman's ever had you choose to be basic. 

But don't worry I will politely offer to help her 🤪 since

"Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach climax; only about 25 to 30 percent of women may climax with vaginal penetration"

Many women I know often have issues having climaxes with males I think because many males are self centered and feel if fucking does it for them it must also work for women.

Keep thinking that, I love being the best sex a bi girl or an experimenting female ever had. I don't need to rise to any occasion I have a bag of tricks and the stamina of a marathon runner, the passion of a sapphic, the romance of a poet, the balanced flexibility of a Yogi, and the strength and power of a Martial artist.

It's a friendly competition 🥺 afterall the goal is to please women what could be more noble. Yet I don't have to fight fair because I don't have a biological limit. 🤣 

So last night I went to my contributorship I was right all along submissives get the better end of the bargain. I remember the first time I felt jealous of one of my submissives her name was Betty she was a Jamaican native mixed with British heritage she was educated in London and she was kinda posh but once you got beneath that she was so caring and kind and unbelievably fit.

I had dated her because at the time I had a real type my first crush/ girlfriend was a mixed race Jamaican so I kinda really was looking for her over and over again in other people until I realized everyone can be beautiful and awesome as well as no one ever replaces what you feel you lost, you can just find other amazing individuals to experience life with.

So Betty was really impressed with my strength at the time I was only like 160 pounds but could do a push up with her sitting on my back and she herself had to be 140. She would sometimes ask me to train her in karate and although i showed her a few things she got bored of it when she really out right slapped me with a fish in the face, i didn't want you to train me in karate you idiot I wanted to get you alone so we could maybe see where it goes luv.

I have a history of being dense with the signs, usually because I am so busy I don't have time to play games tell me what you want and I will try my best to deliver.

So Betty and me play around get to know each others bodies abit and then slowly but confidently explain to her I am a top dom and into kink would you mind if we expand the play. She was very excited for such an invitation since apparently she had been with guys but was only realizing that she preferred women and was hoping I'd show more agency like men. She wasn't quite a pillow princess but she really did prefer to let me take the lead and just tell her what shes gotta do, and what I want outta her.

Finally one day when I am at padded court in the YMCA for wrestling I didn't tell her it wasn't going to be some light training but a Primal sex in a simi public area. You see there was door but it couldn't be locked from the inside. No one used the room usually but anyone coulda walked in on us. I remember kicking her legs out from under her putting her weight onto my hip and doing a jumping throw where I let her land on me and instantly spun her round so I was on top of her and nibbling at her lips and kissing on her neck, as she was going for her hands I locked them with mine and pressed them upwards into the ground with so much intensity I pulled her flat and forced her to arch some.

She was gasping for air trying to make her cute pleas what about the door... What about it?

I ummm... I is this ok?

Bet your life on it you said you wanted me to take charge now do as I say and shut the fuck up and enjoy unless you got something constructive to say or I'm hurting you.

She nodded with her eyes almost pleading me for sex and I knew she was already wet from just the whole moment but if i just gave my sub what she wanted immediately that wouldn't be any fun. So I started to trace her body with my lips and tender kisses as my hands slowly but surly worked out all the tension in her neck.

As she started to show comfort in what was happening I'd up the ante which included ripping her panties off since she had pants who the eff cares they were so easy to do since around me she always wear this dainty thong like ones. As I was nibbling on her thighs while massaging her breasts she let out a sigh but not of relief but of disappointment. I was like what is it.

She said I thought you were gonna go savage on me but instead after the take down and the surprise you just do your old routine which is nice but I thought you could fuck me for once.

I was like and what does fucking you entail? shes like I don't know pull my hair and fuck me till it hurts?

I was like oh is that what you want from me? She said yeah I am used to men Anya and to be frank I liked you because I know you have dom energy and your strong but I thought you know maybe you could fuck like you mean it.

I said ok pulling hair and fucking you like I mean commences. So i roll over her body and then grab her by the hair and tell her to hold my hand since the next bit might hurt and shes like what?

Then I start dragging her by her hair across the mat as she flails around asking what the fuck are you doing! I said what you wanted right you wanted real and intense I can match or exceed anything you ever had as shes like please whats going on. I threw her into the padded wall and then shoved my breast in her mouth and said suck it calm down since your already crying like a baby.

She did as she was told and I could see her entire demeanor change the second I took away her control of the situation it set her free she could just relax since she had total trust in me then after I was thoroughly aroused I said fuck it lets do it so they hear in the rest of the Y. I picked her up by her shoulders and then took my harness adjusted it abit since I wasn't used to fucking people i pinned to walls yet, and when I let her settle her body into the dlildo she was practically screaming I was like that's not allowed and I forced my tongue in her mouth as I thrusted into her with almost all the force my body could muster so much so I was worried her teeth was gonna bite my own tongue off with all the hip to hip muscular thrusting.

as I noticed she was kinda a size queen so to get extra penetration instead of pinning her so much I let her fall into it as i then jacked her back into place by her pussy it didn't take long for her to squirt and orgasm at the same time and go nearly limp from the intensity overwhelming her body systems.

I then bit her neck like a vampire and tugged on her as she leaned into it with this moan of you own me. I went towards her ear and whispered how she was such a perfect lady until i made her a bad girl. I had an evil shit eating grin she couldn't see and then I started to nibble on her earlobe and she came again but this time her whole body was shuttering. I let her fall limp on me and told her you said you didn't know about women yet for sure, well I just came from your beauty yet I'm still as hard as I'd ever be and I can rock you-- till I drop you.

She then kissed me and said shes not sorry she pushed me for this because its exactly what she wanted. To feel her totally relaxed sweaty body on my to feel her entire being controlled by my strength and how shed shutter with every thrust as i found her sweet spots for gliding thrusting and to feel like I was an artist, and my actions were allowing this person to transform into a commemoration of that moment in time of pure unison and ecstasy her bliss was my muse.

I started to look on her and be like god damn I'd like to feel like that one day. What the fuck she's getting way more fun then me and aww shit doing this is taking so much outta me I bet I won't even wanna get outta bed the next day. Why did she need me to fuck her so long before she could break LOL.

I was a tad sore the next day but it was so much fun watching her squirm to find a comfortable place to sit because she was still having lingering tenderness. I asked her hey want me to go softer next time. Shes like not in your life you just made me wish I was your wife!

Ahh but sadly I moved away and Betty couldn't do long distance relationships.

But she is the guilty party that made me able to say fuck yeah I'm a switch! I am still waiting for the day when someone doms me with as much intensity as I did Betty.

I was feeling a little aroused and excited figuring I'm about to go out tonight I better do something to take the edge off so after about 30-40 minutes of manipulating myself to orgasm yet now I'm even more lit.

Now I'm excited and wet its a real issue I keep forgetting for me the first orgasm is reall sorta just a warm up its usually till the third i start getting over sex and kinda want cuddles or some sorta light sensory play.

I'm sorta bored maybe I will do some knife play tonight or whip somebody haven't done either of those in a while the trouble with being a female switch is a lot more people wanna dom then sub for me.

But you never know whats gonna happen maybe I will do sime electric play I haven't experienced that as a sub yet I bought a violet wand but don't feel comfortable using it until I have more experience.

Anyway gotta get dressed so i can drive over. 

Oh my god, back in August one of my ex best friends made me promise to no longer use disapline or any force against my arousal.

They argued it wasn't healthy that arousal is a normal part of life and in reality if anyone I knew was that way I'd fucking ask them to stop.

But then it leads to moments like this I wake up after having a very arousing dream with a threesome with a male and a female of all things and end up alone on my bed with no one to play with me so damn horny the only thing masturbating did was lead me to tears. 

There are times I really feel for women and men who take a vow of celibacy not that I have but the human experience really doesn't play nice when sexual needs aren't met.

I generally only get serious with women but even more I first need a deep emotional connection it's why in the last 7 years every attempt at a relationship has failed I was just sick of meaningless sex.

Like I am not a human sex toy maybe its because I was raised Catholic or because I was engaged to be married and my girlfriend left me when she decided she'd rather be with a guy or maybe it was the sexual abuse. Whatever contributed to me becoming this way no matter the just I just can't fuck someone until I love them and I guess its so old fashioned I am hopeless.

Someone just shoot me.  

As some of you may know I list over 50 pounds in 5 months and put on a ton of muscle. i am training for competition Taekwondo.

So i been feeling really great my flexibility is almost at the point where i can put my legs behind my head again and do near full splits while also having some amazing tone in my arms and legs even my abs are starting to peak out again.

Yet as great as the transformation feels it comes at a cost.

I expected the getting hit on constantly by men that I'm used to what I didn't expect was all the female cat fighting. I have lost a couple of Friends who keeps saying ive changed and if you read my blogs yeah maybe I'm a tad more confident and busy but I'm not just running about being odd about it i have so much insecurity that at times I piss females off by iust crying.

I had this on friend who refused to speak to me because I was crying to her about how upsetting it is to get hit on and cat called again. Shes overweight and kinda has a shitty attitude but we were always friends but me complaining about an actual issue she took kinda personal and she broke down and told me she always wish she got cat called and she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face how much prettier I am.

I am so bad at even having these conversations because it doesn't matter that I am getting " objectively hotter" it doesn't change that I'm insecure confused nervous and anxious about all of this.

I lost the weight for taekwondo not to have my female friends not want to hang out with me because they are jealous of all the attention I been getting. 

I am going to my friend’s wake tonight. I don’t know if I ever told you all about what shattered my world so much that I self-harmed.

I was roughly 16. I was seeing doctors – can’t remember how many it was, but I finally got a specialist who could help me with my unusual problem.

They conducted their examination, looked at the blood work, the reports, and they said, “Anya, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it needs to be said.” I said, “Ok, what’s going on?” “You’re a female.” I was like, “Yeah, I know that. What else?”

“Aww, honey, do you know men don’t normally have monthly cycles?” I was like, “Yeah, but people have oddities all the time.” “Yeah, but you’re that way because internally you’re a normal female.” I was like, “Wait, what?”

She was like, “I know it’s a lot. Yeah, internally you’re a woman. It’s rare, but it happens, and seeing how your family treated you, doesn’t it make sense now, everything that happened?”

I was like, “Wait, so everything has been a lie ...” They were like, “Not a lie so much as they were doing what they thought was best for you. But with your situation we probably should correct this so things can function normally.”

When I got home, I immediately called my mother and screamed at her over the phone with perhaps the most primal scream I ever let out. “Male on the outside, female on the inside? That wasn’t a fucking metaphor for how sensitive and kindhearted I am.” She said, “No, it was the age-appropriate way to try and explain the situation, and to be frank, I had hoped it would be enough and we wouldn’t get to this point.”

I said, “How could you lie to me, beat me, treat me like shit all these years when you knew what was wrong with me, and I just needed love and support?” She said, “How do you think I felt? I wanted what’s best for you, and you just refused to listen to me. You’re the one who gave up on me, not the other way around.”

The unbelievable callous nature of the exchange, the fact was I knew at that moment she’d never see. I hung up on her, and I immediately reflected on my life – without any real support or friends, nonexistent family. At the time, I said to myself, “Well, there’s no way I can handle this,” and I tried to punch my ticket.

I self-harmed enough to send me to the hospital. Luckily, I lived.

Still to this day, I get anxious around having periods. I guess it ties back to that day and some of the panic I felt finding out that I was AFAB and that my family tried to lie and suppress it.

What’s funny – the same situation kinda echoed this very last summer. One of the issues on my medical charts said unusual vaginal or uterine bleeding. My primary was like, “Anya, why is that even on there?” Yet this time, unlike at 16, I am an expert at intersex conditions and know mine backwards and forwards.

“Oh, that’s easy. You see, since I have Complete Androgen Insensitivity, most people with the condition don’t have any uterus, it just ends in a blind pouch. The issue in my case is I also have Persistent Mullerian ducts, which need a hormone during birth to cause them to recede.” In fact, Persistent Mullerian ducts can exist without someone being CAIS.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Anya, I know this is going to be hard for you again, so let me phrase this very carefully – what is unusual about people with uterus having periods?”

I looked at her confused, like I didn’t have an answer, as if my brain just froze.

She then went on to say, “It’s perfectly normal for girls and young women to have periods. It’s not a health condition; it shouldn’t be on your chart as a problem.”

I was like, “But the fact is I’m rare.”

“Honey, you ain’t rare. You’re typical for a female, and having that in there makes people concerned something abnormal is going on. Look, if you need therapy or what, let me know. I can refer you, but I’m taking it off, and you gotta get it through your head one day – there’s nothing abnormal about being a woman. I don’t care what your family made you feel about yourself.”

I get goosebumps writing about this, and I can’t help but fidget uncontrollably. It has been a long journey learning to accept myself and grow into the woman I always had the potential to be.

Admitting my struggles openly has been a part of the process. I am not ashamed that this is my life and the path I took to accept my body and myself. There are those who say if you would just shut up and not talk about it, you’d live in peace and you’d never have to have an uncomfortable conversation again.

That might be true, but many intersex people say the I stands for invisible. I know part of the reason I thought my life was over and I needed to snuff it out was what role model did I have, what icon? Can you name one?

I am not saying I am anywhere near my full potential, but there is a saying “be the change you wanna see in the world.” I wanna live in a world where intersex people feel comfortable talking about their bodies and unique experiences, where the stigma, shame, and pain are replaced by hope, love, community, and kindness.

Yet that can only happen if people are willing to share their journey, to peacefully educate, to provide the cover for the next generation to have it a little easier, so that they may have less pain and indignity than mine.

I am Anya Kylie, proudly intersex, At Female At Birth, and I believe all the challenges I faced were meaningful because they prepared me to take on anything.

Tonight, I go to the wake of my friend who wasn’t as lucky as me. It will be devastating, but I know I need to be there to provide my strength for others. Prince always said, “Anya, if I had 10% of your strength, I could do anything.” Prince’s family and other friends are going to need me and my strength tonight, so I shall be there for them.

Love you all.

For those who don't know I'm a At Female At Birth intersex person, recently a friend of mine who came to live with me in my home to find a safe place to transition. He either OD or committed sucide within the last few day where I currently sit soaked in tears. I not only found his body as an EMT they made conduct an examination of his body to not send valuable emergency resources if he was already dead. 

This is the last letter I wrote to him, I am sharing it for all of you to see in honor of him. Remember if you know an intersex trans or nonbinary person in your life love and support them it's a challenging experience some don't make it. 

Did anything I do matter

Prince, you came to me wounded and with a heavy problem

We both were kin in so many ways

Rape, domestic abuse, difficult childhood, gender-related trauma

You always admired how strong I was, how I seemed to get through it all

You would often tell me if you had 10% of my strength you could do anything

Well, you did have 100% of my love and friendship

Do you think I would ask just anybody to come and live with me

I saw you needed help and I wanted to cheer you on

Hell, I often would be needed to just hug you while you cried

I often had to hear of your pain and confusion for being you

I tried to encourage you that everything was gonna be ok

That all you gotta do is make it a few more days and the clouds would break

Yet I knew it had gotten bad a couple of weeks ago when you pushed me away

Someone you once clung to as a life preserver

You told me I was smothering

“Anya, you’re like a puppy – your energy and love is too much, just calm down”

“I’m a cat, you need to give me space while I figure this next part out”

“I’ll come to you eventually”

I know how so many people violated your wishes

So I said if you don’t want me to be your friend or like how it’s going

Whatever you need, if you need, so be it

You said no, I want to still be friends – just right now 

I need time and space and I need you to accept that

I listened to your request, every fiber in my heart wanted to comfort you

I knew I needed to trust that you knew what you needed from me

Yet I write this now as you, Prince, have left this Earth 

You might have overdosed or committed suicide in my home last Tuesday

I tried so hard to save you, someone who seemed so down on life and themselves

Did anything I do matter,

Why did you come to live here with me; you knew I wanted to help you achieve your desires

I gave you a safe supportive place, a place you could call home

You had told me you readjusted to here and you loved having me and Sitka around

Then you leave this world in the very room you told me you found peace

Without even a whisper to me – how could you not call out for help

I am an EMT, god damn it! 

I am supposed to save people, not bury them

Your family wants to believe it was health-related

Yet I’m the one that had to first examine your body – there are reasons to think otherwise

Yet I didn’t do an autopsy, it could have been natural

IF THAT IS SO

Why didn’t you call out to me, I was not even 15 seconds away 

I would have thrown you to the ground and been your beating heart as long as it took

I was right here, I could have saved you, gotten you to a hospital

WHY DIE WHEN YOU CAN FIGHT TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS A REALTIY

In the end, did my attempts to save you these past few months even matter

What did it mean 

what does any of this mean

That I’m a fucking failure, another loved one I disappointed by being me

That even when someone comes to me for help

All I can do is stand by helpless, unable to avert destiny

I pray for only one thing, the strength to keep trying

This blow has crippled me, Prince

I used to believe I could save people, what a fool I was

I’d have done anything for you, you knew that 

Why were you always so shy about asking me for help

I always readily offered it to you

Is it because of that one time when you offered me comfort when I was crying

I said no, Prince, not as a rejection, I just felt you have far too many troubles

You need not worry about me, Prince, I don’t know how to lay down

Now here I am almost every day crying over losing you, friend

The greatest comfort was just knowing I was helping you, didn’t you see that

You chose me to be your safe place, to seek peace 

I hope you found it – by the look on your face it seems you did

If you could ask to comfort me again, I would humbly take that hug now 

I guess we will puta pin in it for all eternity