Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I have talked about being intersex quite a few times in my blogs as a way to vent, and to be frank as I kinda expected I have had idiots talk to me about it almost in a fetish sense which means they see the word but don't read about my particular condition. Here is the best written medical summary I have seen.

People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. 

When an egg is fertilised, the sperm determines the gender of the child, so this is already decided by the time we start growing in the womb. All babies are by default female.

CAIS is an interruption in the growing process when the foetus would ordinarily be changing from the default girl into a boy. What you end up with in CAIS, for all intents and purposes, is a woman.

You wanna know what's different from me and other females? Nothing due to my condition and as I am sure you can see from my pictures I developed a typical female body in every respect.

Even though I am less masculine because of my condition then most females on the planet i get at times harassed. Most women have some and respond to testosterone ever see those women body builders who use T for an extreme example. Well I physically can't respond to T at all this plays out in odd ways even though I am 5'8" i have tiny delicate hands, baby soft skin, with size f 38 breasts. ( It is at times revolting how fem I am)

I literally hate my body... All these people just by me trying to express what I am going through remind me I am othered. Even though I'm a typical female in every way biologically. It just happened through an unsual process. Roughly 1 or 2 in 90,000 have my condition I live in the United States so that's pretty much 10,000 females running around like me with a Y chromosome that didn't function properly.

If people could take the time and think about it all males do have an X chromosome! What do you think would happen if the Y chromosome didn't function? It makes logical sense that my body to exist would get its instructions from the working X chromosome that's the overly simplified but clearly rational way this happened. It could happen to anyone just that I am one of those cases. 

What hurts me more is that when I tell people this just like my family they are somehow disappointed. Like oh your just a biological female boring. This just proves to me how ignorant of intersex most people are the majority of intersex people are cis gendred like me. The fantasy of both sets of genitals can never happens in real life. 

The people who obsessed over intersex bodies literally have a fetish driven by hentai, porn and trans people who don't get all the operations and they are projecting those unfulfilled desires onto intersex people, it pisses me and the majority of us the fuck off.

I literally never one day in my life got a choice to be anything but a biological female. Hell there was a time my family due to insane XY equals male bullshit tried to have doctors give me treatments to masculinize me without my consent or understanding but my body was unable to change and you know what happened after that they were disappointed in their daughter for not being a man.

Many females have to live in the shadow of a prefered male sibling or have a sister who was favored. You know who I was never good enough to measure up to?

Myself!

My entier damn life interacting with my mother I was always worse then alternative universe me who wasn't female. I wasn't: Smart enough, strong enough, caring enough, talented enough, I never could measure up to a person I never could be. I was in her own words this disappointing underachieving weak emotional female who couldn't achieve half of what I could have if I had been male.

Quite an enjoyable life where you feel blighted for existing. The unwanted mistake. I plan one day to write an autobiography and i always had the idea of the tagline the child not even a mother could love of have it somewhere because she would say that to me often. 

Maybe the specifics of what I been through are unique but the feelings are universal. I am a female that suffered alot of inhumane treatment for no other reason then ignorance.

I speak out about being intersex not because its fun or I enjoy it quite to the contrary Its painful. I often end up in tears I am crying right now as I type this. But how can anything ever get better if no one speaks out? So few intersex people want to talk about there conditions because they are used to painful blow back.

In a bizarre way I am in a privileged position I am biologically a Female with no health issues as a result of my condition thus its less sensitive to me then some intersex conditions that have more issues associated with it.

My problem has been emotionally how other people and there treatment of me has made me feel for being a female. Its like even though I'm a woman I am often treated like Im some cheep imitation or even worse in the case of my family as i mentioned earlier that I'm some mutated freak that I should have been male.

Wrong in so many cases I am exactly how i was meant to be. I was born female am female bodied and for the most part have a female gender identity. Being othered so much in my life sometimes makes me hate my existence many intersex people because of this treatment believe we make up a third sex. If you wanna read about it here is a link on the topic

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_recognition_of_non-binary_gender

In my country New York state ( where I was born) was one of the first to offer amended birth certificates for intersex people who want a third sex designation and many intersex advocates were pushing for me to have it amended as some of the first wave in the country.

I refused I don't feel like a third sex I feel like idiotic people who refuse to listen learn and understand make me fucking sick of repeating myself that I'm a typical female it gets on my nerves but it doesn't change the fact that I'm female bodied.

Does it make people feel good to pick on someone with a unique health condition that for what its worth I don't believe should be a health condition at all. I have had Doctors apologize to me for being female like what in the fuck is my life.

Why is being someone at female at birth with a female gender and sex something they feel the need to apologize to me about? Other women be frank here how the fuck would you like it if randomly at times you'd meet a new doctor they would look at your charts and say "oh wow ? sorry. I mean there was nothing that could be done."  I am fucking coming in for a broken writs and your busy talking this bullshit. 

Rant concluded. 

I only learned of the term Demisexuality a few years ago and it describes me perfectly. Demisexual was added to the Oxford English dictionary this year. The term is defined as: Noting or relating to a person who is sexually attracted only to people with whom they already have an emotional bond.

I never understood why or how people would fall in love with or be attracted to models or movie stars, even watching things like porn did nothing for me I mean If I don't know the persons hope dreams fears personality why or how could anyone even possibly love that person or want to be with them. To me there is no such thing as skin deep attraction.

Some try to argue that demisexuals don't exist (laugh) think critically about our hook up culture I can't imagine ever using grinder tinder or any other app that claims to set me up with someone. Anyone who has ever tried to pick me up before they even know the content of my unfulfilled desires and what I feel my life is working towards to me is uninteresting and a hard no! 

The overt sexualizing of everything in society also makes me uncomfortable at times, people say sex often sells to me its just gross. Take a toothpaste or deodorant ad what is it a soft-core porn about how if you use said product you will have men or women all over you. I mean who would even want that? I would never want random scumbags who don't view me as a human being near me oh because of my bright smile people who open with commenting on my looks my response is usually -- that's nice go f yourself dipshit.

Demisexuals aren't trying to put other people down or judge you for doing your thing. We want to be given a space to exist I mean it sucks when we do develop a crush on a friend since that is how it mostly happens, for me one friend took almost 15 years for me to find them attractive.

It is difficult to address this with people since it isn't talked about enough and many people tend to wanna shoot there shot right away clearly with the view it is better to swing and miss to then go onto the next person as if relationships were just a numbers game. I just wish it was normal that getting laid or sex didn't matter, that people could wanna make strong loving bonds in general and if some of them evolve into sexuality that would be a natural progression between people who loved eachother.

I know some demisexuals can play the game of relationships not because they want to but because of needing to feel loved and have sexual expression once in awhile. I just am too damn aware of my feelings, the act of being flirty or receptive before I feel it to me is a no go. I also hate it when someone says thank you when I give a complement why be thankful for an honest assessment of something about you? They should recognize for me it is just truth telling and such a thing does not deserve gratitude.

One benefit to dating a demisexual is we don't love half way. For a demisexual like myself the more we discover about someone the more we often wanna be there. Sure if your a creeper we'd never be interested in the first place, but if your a decent person let us in and then you can prepare for unconditional love.   

I decided to say fuck it I am going to stop policing myself and start being myself. The goal was to get to know my unfiltered self better and hopefully gain the strength and confidence of who I really am.

I ended up losing over 60 pounds because of a focus on physical health with a goal of getting back in shape to be a competitive martial artist. That was an easy priority since I love martial arts been doing it since 7.

Then I had rejoined a BDSM club because I am kinky my life has been intense as shit thus for me if it ain't deep bordering on too much why bother? 

While going to the clube made a few friends and am learning new skills such as knife play, rope play, cupping, and fire doming. It was a harsh reality for me when I had only said in theory before I was a switch because some of my fantasies had me bottoming to having someone tie me up suspend me in rope and I went catatonic temporarily my first time up.

I now am a fully committed rope bunny. Funny side note for an upcoming Disney night I am actually gonna dress up as the rabbit judy hopps ( a little on the nose? )

Also I have developed a near obsession with dragging sharp blades across my body. When I was younger I used to be a cutter like many goth emo females. Knife play gives me a similar reliable release of feeling alive without all the blood.

Taking a blade pressing it to your flesh and feeling it makr a fine cut or scraping a layer of skin off while feeling your muscles move underneath is just fuckin so sweet. Writing about it makes me wanna start dragging blades across me --Yummies! 

One person while he was using a large sword on me had daggers at my throat so I had to stay still or get tiny pricks that constricted me in ways that I been practically pleeding with him to do again! He says it's part of a larger scene but we have yet to have the time -- sigh he likes to say always leave em wanting more. But feed my desire dude what do I gotta do get down on my knees and beg arg! How should I feel when I been anticipating something for weeks yet haven't felt completion! 

When you have daggers at your throat the forced control of all your muscles, the inability to gasp laugh or even talk much, was the most intense bondage I have faced. Yet it was all self imposed at any time i coulda stopped but who the fuck would ever want to when it feels so great? 

Another friend was wax playing and scraped if off with a live straight razor at my request -- he normally used a dull one but fuck that I need the luster of a live blade.

Is knife play edge play I guess? but to be taken to the edge of what my body can stand gets me to feel the most alive, in a world where I'm often so bored I feel everyday life makes me a tired zombie.

What's real life? Waiting on hold with a company for 30 minutes to get them to take your call, standing in line at the grocery store for 10 minutes to buy cereal, or maybe a self checkout, or how about going to work having to sit in bumper to bumper traffic for damn near a half an hour.

Yeah everyday life is total shit, people who enjoy the daily grind can keep there smug smiles to themselves they are insipid drones who's spirit been grinded to dust and they can just shut the fuck up with their attitude. 

Now these changes in me have all been positive. However a new issue has arrived on the scene of my life and it has been confusing as hell. I have been as open as any human can be that I have a rare intersex condition that made my biology develop female. As I have talked about this I have had people on this and other forms ask if I am male or had male parts which is so unbelievably stupid look up complete androgen insensitivity syndrome and read for five seconds since apparently me talking about it doesn't get peoples attention furthermore I also have persistent mullerian ducts. 

The end result is I not only am a perfectly healthy female I literally couldn't transition or respond to gender treatment If I wanted. My body ignores Testosterone and since T naturally breaks down into estrogen, if someone was to perscibe testosterone for me it would simply raise the level of estrogen in my blood stream.

Yet due to the way I was treated growing up like an abnormal freak even though my body responded as it should was traumatic. Those memories still play out in me now as I have grown to be more intune with myself I have realized like most women I want and think about sex several times and day.

This admitted desire for sexual contact is something I never addressed before due to my own discomfort with my body. I am not sure how to respond. My own goal is asking for a huge change.

I didn't account for the delirium of a full admission and acceptance of my body and its desires. I had hoped by giving into BDSM pleasures and just being more social would address some of what I desire and make me happier.

My body is not amused, it doesn't want excuses. I feel tired of my own thoughts getting in the way of what I want. 

 This conflict is now at the center at a battle for my very soul. I am not really comfortable being intimate with people yet my savage sexuality doesn't give a shit. I have repressed myself for so long my body is making me unbelievably frustrated to the point of tears at times. I had no idea I had this kind of sexual potential inside me. I have been celibate for nearly 7 years and sex had never seemed to be a big priority to me before, but my body is tired of my bullshit and feeling sexual agaony is real. 

I scream into the void-- "Why has my life led me to such a fucked up place!" 

As an individual with an intersex condition, moderator of various LGBTIQ groups, and someone who has spoken to many confused intersex individuals, families and allies, I get a similar question over and over: What does it mean now that I am diagnosed with an intersex condition? Or, from the ally stance, what can I do to better understand and support someone who is intersex?

Just today a better answer came to me, and it additionally is advice to those who often write the insensitive question, how should I write an intersex character, or I have an idea for an intersex character, can you help me with it?

This insight came from me watching a YouTube video pointing out that the character Toph (blind earth bender) from “Avatar: The Last Airbender” was based on a real person.

(

It got me thinking in a whole new way to explain what it is like being intersex. The following is what changed about me the day I found out I was intersex: absolutely nothing! I am a real person, my hopes and dreams were exactly the same – wanting a family to love me finally, wanting to understand myself, wanting to have quality healthcare so that my issues could be dealt with. Oh, I was scared and afraid – not because of the condition, but because of how my family, society, and some medical professionals made me feel.

With my condition (Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), my body, brain and hormonal development is like any other female’s. I know not every intersex condition is so lucky, and even within androgen insensitivity, not everyone’s bodies has taken to it as well as mine. I am lucky that I can run marathons and perform spinning 360 jump kicks with enough force to break a target as thick as a 2x4.

Yet behind my eyes of steel resolve, there is hurt, not because of a diagnosis but because of a rejection of my humanity. My family didn’t want me; ignorant that someone with XY chromosomes can grow up to be a biological female, they rejected me. Yet they weren’t the only ones. My first girlfriend, when I tried to be intimate with her, was very upset because she didn’t want to be with a man and claimed I tricked her because I wasn’t a “real woman” in her opinion.

The reason why people can’t understand what it’s like to be intersex, or how to write intersex characters is because, unlike with the design of Toph, where her blindness didn’t define her, so many attempts to understand intersex do not see that when you meet an intersex person, you have met only one intersex person. We are real individuals, with complicated emotions, families and circumstances, making the intersex aspect of us an afterthought. My condition doesn’t and didn’t ever define me. My lack of love, supportive people, or people who cared about me is what caused the struggles I have faced in my life because of my intersex condition.

I know being in my 30s, nearly 20 years removed from puberty, it will be different for this next generation, but that doesn’t mean some of the same themes won’t play out. Here is my advice to young or confused intersex people:

First – Breathe, nothing has ever changed about you. The only thing that has happened is you better understand yourself.

Second – Relax. Most intersex conditions are harmless, and for the ones that have health considerations, it may take time, but if you get qualified medical care, it can be managed. The majority of intersex conditions do not shorten life expectancy.

Third – Trust. It’s hard trusting others, when so many will stigmatize you, or mock you, making you feel insecure. Trusting medical professionals is required, even though they will often fall short and say or do disrespectful things. Find medical professionals who care, and trust that things will get better, even when year after year it seems like the world only gets worse for people like us. Trust builds hope, and to keep striving for the day when you find people who accept you better is worth fighting for.

Fourth – No Shame. No one is born hating themselves; it is impossible. You love yourself, but that spirit was broken by many people who fed you a lifetime of lies and pain, which twisted your self-image. No one is an island, yet finding self-love, self-respect and showcasing who you are to the world is worthy.

Fifth – No Judgement. I don’t have to talk about my condition; I choose to. When I was young, I didn’t know where to turn. No one I knew had any condition like me or could even relate to me, so I was alone in the world. But then the power of the internet and concerned online intersex people saved me by simply talking to me and helping me to realize being intersex is natural. Now, as many of them have grown older and started to retire from advocacy, I have picked up the mantle to keep a light on for the next generation of hurting youth. The innate nature of intersex means there will always be another generation. We have existed as long as humanity, and thus the work of improving our lives, of being a symbol for and mentoring the next generation, will always be needed.

If you can’t do this yourself, that’s ok. Love yourself and follow my advice; there is no right or wrong way to be who you are. I love you all the same for staying true to your heart. Not everyone is a healer-educator. I don’t do this for you, though; I am doing it because without being an advocate, my life wouldn’t feel complete. I am obsessed with making the world a better place, not because I believe it ever will be – but when I was young, I prayed for a hero that never came to me. So I became the person that I prayed for. I became who I believed the world needed; I am the change I wanted to see in the world and its people.

Holidays are a hard time for many in the LGBTIQQA+ community, me included. I will never have a day when I go over my parents, to a warm fire, presents and stories of past joy. What I have instead is the added conviction to improve the world, so other intersex children get spared the pain and loneliness that has filled my life.

In short, I love Toph, not because she is a character who overcame a disability, or because being intersex is a disability, but because she’s a fully realized person who is strong, capable, intelligent, and caring, who we the audience and the characters in the world often forget to see as blind.

As an intersex person, I don’t live my life everyday thinking about my condition or situation; that would be insane. A typical day: I get up, have breakfast, shower and brush my teeth, walk my dog, then go to university to study, go to the gym, go to taekwondo practice, and then sometimes work at night, and get up to do it all over again. Where in my everyday life does being intersex matter? Why should it have ever mattered to anyone?

Yet it does because we live in a world of: stigma, bigotry, hatred, and shame. I have no biological family, countless friends have left me, and I suffer often for speaking the truth, knowing fully well if I shut my mouth and chose to be invisible, I’d have an easier life. I would be seen as just another tall, intelligent, attractive, white girl. Yet to do that, I wouldn’t help anyone. Furthermore, that act would exact a price on my soul I couldn’t live with. It is my duty to live in the light to cast out darkness.

I hope this helps you understand what goes on in the mind and life of a real intersex person, and that if you or anyone you know is intersex, it’s ok – just: breathe, relax, trust, no shame, no judgement, be yourself, the same person you always were.

Be like Toph. She isn’t the sum of her condition; hell, it’s easy to forget she is blind because with what she does, her disability doesn’t define her. Toph is herself – and amazing for that. As Intersex people, all of us can be ourselves, no matter what others think or try to force upon us, and that is amazing.

How to write a disabled character, a video featuring Toph:

Times characters forgot that Toph is blind:

I have moved on from so many toxic things this year. Finally stood up and told my abusive mother I will not interact with her unless she gets professional help for her mental illness it isn't my duty to fix my mother.

I told an ex that I will no longer tolerate him dictating any aspect of my life and that if we are to be friends or have any interaction he must accept me as I am.

I lost 60 pounds and started training 5 days a week at a taekwondo gym that just brought home 9 medals from worlds. I have been doing martial arts since I was 7 because I was tired of being bullied. I have taken it to a whole new level now, next year I will finally start doing competitions my body is getting explosive can't wait to test myself. 

I got back into BDSM publicly and became a contributor to a local dungeon. I have been making friends while learning and working on getting my skills back. I am currently learning fire doming, knife play, cupping, rope play.

I used to do BDSM as a way to escape or get my issues out on others but now as a mature adult I am doing it to help not only please others but actually just enjoy the time and space of life. Kinky people are the best people! 

I am working in better expressing myself and what it means for me to be my own advocate. As someone who volunteers and tries to save people for a living it's easy for me to be in the caretaker mode for everyone around me. 

My schooling is going well got straight A's again so happy for that. Next year 14 credits and I will have another degree/ certificate license to the pile. This one is going to allow me to be a medical assistant. I want to have my own clinic or at least be able to do charity medicine when I am a higher medical provider so learning the back of the house things is important.

This upcoming year while working as an EMT and interning as a medical assistant I am gonna be applying to medical school so will see where I get in!

I am in a happy place trying to learn about myself through accepting my desires without any judgement or self policing. 

Thank you to all who support me on my quest to be better then I was yesterday 

Love -

Icegirl 

As an EMT who started during covid it isn't new to experience death and suffering.

Yet in the last month my personal friend who was living with me while he transitioned decided he couldn't take the pain anymore and committed suicide, if that wasn't enough as an EMT when I called 911 to ask for a wellness check they pressed me to go into his room and exam him to decide if we needed emergency services.

While coping with that and dealing with his unsupported down right bigoted family my best female friends grandmother died of cancer and they live in Philadelphia and normally I would run to her side and be there for her but I just didn't have it in me this time my own personal grief and dealing with the fall out too intense to do much then listen to them on the phone a couple of times ahead those intense emotions with me.

If that wasn't all just last week my best and perhaps closest friends mother died and they had to fly out to North Carolina and help get there affairs in order we talked a couple of times but its finals week of all times for this to happen I just didn't have much time for him.

3 massive deaths in my life all within the last 3 weeks while I had to keep the wheels on and finish my semester. I finally did it turned in my last assignment Another 3 A's but I feel like I get 3 F's in how well I have done for me and my friends during this time.

I miss prince so much I wish there was something I could have done to help him I tried everyday I was in his life to lift him up and believe in him yet 100% of my love and appreciation wasn't enough to get him but a few more months of life.

My friends who have been going through stuff right now I am so sorry for how I might have failed you I really do love you and appreciate you I wish I had more time more energy more whatever you need me to be to make your life better. I would gladly sacrifice myself for someone I loved without hesitation yet what am I doing at the moment sitting in my room having just finished my last bit of school work screaming at the walls wondering if I can live up to my own unrealistic demands on myself for just one more day.

I will keep my head above my tears too many people pray for a hero and someone has to be strong enough to run into chaos and pull people through. Sorry that I had a human moment its important for the soul to know I have sympathy for myself even if I have to let go of these feelings before they have the chance to resolve too much good to fight for to be weak in defeat.

Love~

Since I lost weight and started to get fit going to the gym has gone from therapy to annoying.

I swear to god why do guys see me mid work out and think I know what this female working her ass off needs an awkward insecure bastard who thinks he's hot shit interacting with her. Then getting butt hurt when she doesn't give a damn. 

Men either trying to impress me by failing hard, glare at me like a creeper, or worst of all attempt to talk to me. Sometimes when they talk to me they do the same work out as me on the machine next to me. Like seriously it's a planet fitness this place is empty if I wanted to talk to you I'd approach you.

Although sometimes it is amusing 4-6 days a week I start by using the row machine for 40 minutes to an hour and 15 minutes straight. One of my favorites is watching them crack after 5 minutes trying to talk to me.

It ain't easy rowings a full body workout and after 6 months of training have a pretty insane clip. They must think its easy since they see me do it nearly effortlessly shocker its not. 

Rowing is freaking brutal that's why I do it almost everyday. Rowing burns and tones my entire body while being low impact and having no potential for injury since I use the proper technique.

What's kinda sad is for all the men who hit on me unwelcomed making me uncomfortable where's an interesting female? Just for once change it up for someone I might actually be interesting in meeting. 

So as I joined a local dungeon I have made some quick friends who woulda guessed being an attractive friendly female who's wild as it gets would go over  so well?

One of my new friends K had some concerns about how much I reportedly repressed myself and wanted to help and I was honestly not sure how it can be done many of my issues has to do with my own still coming to terms with my own AFAB biology.

He's like well I don't know if it would help but I dont mind working with you on that. I was like yeah I was sexually abused so guys aren't really in the cards but thank you though.

However at some point in one of our interactions I found out he had a fuck machine and he politely said well when you get older like me sometimes it don't work or you get tired and fuck it you young girls seems to never have enough.

I was like would you mind if I tried the fuck machine, he was like of course not especially if it would make you feel better since at the time I was sick with the flu.

My first time with the fuck machine we started with the smallest implement by my choice it was some floppy nothing and I was all disappointed I mean my first time getting willingly fucked and it was like I might as well not of bothered.

Well we quickly upgraded to a double head rabbit type that has a decent penteration part and a clit stimulator plus while it was going I helped close my lips on it and he pressed on the outside for me as a friendly person would do and let me tell It wasn't long before my entier opinion on almost everything in life was challenged.

It didn't take long for what was at first painful and uncomfortable to quickly feel amazing. A few minutes  my vagina got fully aroused and my brain clicked into a whole new world of sensations joys and desires. Before long my body was practically absorbing the dildo my pussy couldn't get enough as the machine pounded into it. At times K would have it at slower thrusts but then again taking it at times up to 360 revolutions per minute.

It didn't take long for my entier body to change its response what started as this tense odd completely freaky experience quickly turned into this relaxing full body stimulating orgasmic ecstasy my usually useless vagina showed her true potential let me tell you. 

I was stunned at how my body went from this hurts please make it stop to oh god this hurts too fucking good never let it stop fuck ne harder!

I was in near tears of joy and I i didn't want to admit it but have to now my body being a womans was built to get fucked and loved it!

Every thrust, every reposition, ever second of intensity, was just fuel for this nearly endless fire that just started within and consumed all doubts about what pentration would feel like. 

There was a couple of times when I was about to orgasm but I stopped myself because I wasn't mentally ready to accept what had transpired that I loved getting fucked and like any normal female once warmed up could easily take a cock like object inside of my vagina. Furthermore getting fucked drove me wild with tearful bliss.

As k was moving the device around he also found my G spot I have heard some Doctors aren't sure if its even real well let me tell you when he angled it just right which for me was kind up and towards the underside of my clit/pubic bone it was like I was getting fucked in my brain. I was practically losing all muscle control in my legs and I didn't quite have words to describe the sensation other then drool slowly coming out the side of my mouth.

Thankfully he wasn't able to keep it positioned in that location too long or god knows if my first experience with a fuck machine would ever come to an end. 

My takeaways from said experience

A I used to have a rule even for my lovers no penteration of any kind and it went further way back when I didn't want anyone to physically please me at all. 

This was me trying to ignore the obvious that I have a Female body with needs wants and desires its the whole can't miss what you never experienced sorta thing.

Well it took me till my late 30's to get right and proper fucked and that was a huge damn mistake! 

I wish someone encouraged me to do this in my teens I woulda enjoyed so much more of my life if I simply accepted my body embraced it and shared it with others. Yes it is better later then never but woah its so incredible I just wish I had gotten comfortable with it sooner.

B the female body is incredible I went from barely getting a finger in it fitting nearly 6 inched of a fairly girthy dildo smashing into me with jackhammer like power. What in the absolute fuckery! How can the female body adapt so rapidly while taking such a powerful pounding? That's not all I actually just loved nearly every moment of it?

Seriously the harder I was getting fucked after awhile the more comfortable and relaxing I felt. Heck my legs started to go limp from just the insanely calm relaxation from the fucking it was really hard to process how something that was so intense could feel so calming that I could almost fall asleep because it was so comforting. 

C my only real ban on penteration now is cis het male penis because of the fact I was sexually abused, but fingers, toys, dildos, fuck machines, double ended dildos, you name it I am all for it. I can't possibly  turn down another opportunity if it comes by to feel that much joy again. 

D Man now I gotta buy a fuck machine? There's so many models and features? Do I get a cheeper portable one like his , or do I save up and get a more fancy one with more robust features. My god literally a week ago I was pretty sure I never wanted to get sexed ever-- now here I am going to track down a fuck machine so I can fuck myself on a regular basis.

E I was right about one thing, once you know it's hard to unknow. I enjoyed it so much I can't go back I don't ever wanna go back, enjoying having my pussy fucked till it was bursting with fluids was honestly so awesome I am never going to deprive myself the joy of this again. 

I love being a woman goddamnit its my birthright to enjoy my body  sexually I waited far to long to claim it I'm never gonna forsake her again.

Best,

Icegirl

My entire adult life I been battling three basic demons that have been repressing me sexually.

One the fact I was raised Roman Catholic under the Church going so far as to being in religious institutions of instruction. 

The Church made it quite clear any thoughts or sex acts outside of marriage and procreation were not only sinful but condemn the soul. Infact I was taught as a child being born isn't a beautiful act but the culmination of original sin and we must have a baptism immediately to protect the child from being contaminated.

Two as stated even though I was AFAB I am intersex and my family tried to raise me male and had given me medication to attempt to transtion me while not even explaining what was going on or why they were so abusive and dismissive of my natural female development.

Three having been sexually abused by men for my female body was in some ways the last straw. I felt sex and my body was just disgusting and traumatic and I didn't want anyone or anything to interact with me going forward.

These three barriers have finally all fallen! 

Religion fell long ago, I view myself as a secular atheist I stopped buying the religious bullshit first in my teens I had serious doubts and by my early 20's it was over I was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Then the other two barriers took longer and both actually finally fell this year. 

The second accepting that I'm AFAB and my body is going to have female wants and needs and it is my duty to respond to those needs instead of punishing myself was an actual time and a half to come to grips on. 

I had internalized disgust and judgement from my family and society that views females as weaker pathetic and of second class status. The fact that I even wanted to be fucked to be the so called "bitch" as an innate desire was so upsetting to contemplate. 

Just think some of the worst and most demeaning insults cocksucker, cunt, get fucked, whore, slut, pussy. It goes on why did I naturally at times desire to be in such a position and then I realized oh its an innate thing and what people are doing is making value judgements based on a sexist society and I am no different.

So the most radical feminist thing I could ever do isn't buring a bra its embodying my womanhood and loving it! 

There's nothing wrong with a woman wanting sex enjoying sex or seeking healthy sexual relationships so why continue to repress myself from being who and what I naturally am? 

Ok that was two issues sorted now I am at the third barrier for me this issue is still a work in progress.

I do not plan to nor want to have sex with men but toys including a sex machine sure women with strap ons no problem self masturbating its All clear.

Thus my own real sexual barrier that exists is a man trying to have vaginal sex with me due to my discomfort from being sexually abused and to be frank that limitation isn't a big deal for me seeing as I perfer women anyway and I have no psychology interest beyond the human maybe it might be nice sorta theory to attempt it.

My life is gonna be just fine if I never have a another penis inside me aside from the sexual abusers of my past. Maybe if there was a man I loved Id attempt to work on it but so far no male has surfaced in my life worthy of such mental energy to overcome my apprehensive feelings towards pentration sex with males. 

The next blog I write will be about me using a sex machine for the first time and breaking the final chains to my sexuality. 

I have lost over 50 pounds in roughly 4-5 months I have been training as hard as I humanly can since I want to be a taekwondo champion. I am at a gym that has one of the coaches for team USA and he's not dicking around this year he sent 11 of the 40 Americans who qualified for worlds from his gym. Additionally a couple of people who made it come from a few states away to train with him.

Last night as i was doing a double class for the second time this week which is 3-4 hours of brutal Olympic level training. He introduced a new technique to me that I never tried he didn't explain it or let me practice he had tied a strap to my belt and had someone hold it and tug on it to work the explosiveness.

Since it was a totally new sensation I was having difficulty with the constant force pulling me off balance while I was doing the technique. As I struggled he came right next to me and started screaming go fast faster god damn your doing it wrong. I then said sorry I never did this before its really hard.

Then he truned away saying no I'm sorry and walked away.

Then he didn't talk to me for the rest of class.

I knew he isn't a fan of "back talk" but I figured this wasn't that I was trying to explain why it was so hard to do.

He then said he didn't want to talk to me that I am totally uncoachable and I lost the right to call him coach that he has lost his faith in me that as soon as he put some faith in me I couldn't handle the added pressure because I'm a child and i need to grow up.

It was devastating even now I'm crying I have for Months given pretty much all my free time. My diet, my exercise regimen, my breathing, my training  my constant listening to his berating me for months on end and one sentence of explaining my struggle and hes willing to just throw me away as if none of what I been able to achived mattered.

I have never been treated to such an indignity he knows everyday I give it my best. Infact the whole point of why this even happened is I am starting to double up classes I went from 4 hours of weekly instruction of him to 9 and that much has been hard for me, barely doable but I was surviving my hope was the stressing would get easier as my body adapted.

Yet now he's turned his back on me, this is on top of a good friend killing themselves in my home no less, and having my school all up in my face about how I am not processing my grief properly because apparently me demanding to do my work and let me be the student I am capable of is incorrect.

If this wasn't all one of my best friends mothers just died literally yesterday and I have had to do my best to council them. God I have tried so fucking hard and I have seen the improvement under his coaching but one mishap and he comes down on me with a righteous anger. 

I have never in my wildest dreams thought a human being could ride me so hard that with a sentence they could tare me apart. I know its because of how emotional I am during this time. My ex Coach has got to be the hardest person I have ever met. I just thought we had reached a new level of teamwork and the second I do something he doesn't like he rips the rug out from under me and makes me feel absolutely dogshit. No opportunity for corrective action now I'm stuck begging for him to coach me again.

Some have said already why do I take this or there's gotta be other coaches. I disagree he makes champions I gotta believe if he gives me another opportunity I will be even more prepared and go further. No human I have met has challenged me and pushed me as hard as this individual it's gotta mean something. Months of blood sweat and tears now I'm only more committed going forward to bring it even harder don't know where I will find it but I'm gonna dig a little deeper.