So the friend who accused me of being a lyin manipulator. I was like theres absolutely no way they are gonna talk to me again they texted me and we chatted for about 3 hours I think we're about to try again at being friends who the effs knows my lifes been so crazy I am just gonna keep staying true to myself let reality unfold before me.
I want to thank everyone who reached out about the last blog. Yes in many ways I feel this website has been a place of support love and encouragement from the bottom of my heart thank you I needed the extra attention its been really difficult the last couple of days.
Tonight a dear kinky friend was worried about me and volunteered to accompany me to the gym to keep me company. Due to my goal to become a competitive martial artist again I tend to go to the gym everyday sometimes twice a day.
After we agreed on time and such he was very polite positive and silly he knew I also needed cheering up after what I been through even though when I go to the gym I'm normally all about business finding a happy medium between my ball busting pace ( good thing I don't have em so whatever) and his sorta hey let's be active with a friend.
I was teaching him developmentally how to progress safely and distinct as someone who ran Marathons and studied a ton of human physiology when it comes to sports science I am your girl.
We dialed him in had a great work out for about 1:30-2:00 hours the pace was a little relaxed for me but we ended with some heavy weight lifting bench pressing 145 pounds and squatting 125 was enough that it took the last bit of my excess strength.
HERE CUMS THE CRAZY PART!
So as we leave he is like hey do you mind if I hold you I know you been through a lot. I was like yeah sure no problem. Subconsciously my head started to nest into his shoulder and I started to look at him sorta lovingly as he then pets me hed rubbing it gently and whispering things like its gonna be ok you were a good friend and you're a really good girl you know that.
At some point he asked if he could kiss me this was after he made note of the fact his windows are slightly tinted.
I was like hold up! Dude comforting me is ok working out with me is good for us both lets face it you need more gym in your life as well. But I am in no mood for play how dare you.
He then said I just wanted you too feel more comfortable maybe and loved but that's ok lets not be that way.
I was like fine hey I didn't really eat today because I was so upset and now I am starving do you mind if we go to the Macdonald's and i just get a happy meal?
He was like sure as we started driving over he said do you mind if I rub your leg to just sorta stimulate and comfort you.
I was loke that's fine and he just sorta rubs my left leg rhythmically intune with my natural twitching and then he says have you ever had anyone slap your thigh and grab it before. I was like nope can't say that I have as living most my life as an alpha dom and abused anyone hits me is usually an invitation to me fucking them up.
He said wanna see what it feels like? I was like yeah I'm curious enough to try and he slaps not hard but it pops with a sting and then he grabs my inner thigh somehow I felt it all throughout my body and shuttered letting out this whimpering moan and my body jerked as if a ripple was going through me from his thunderous slap.
I barely could breath but mustered a what the hell was that? Hes like I don't know but I think you liked it with this evil little chuckle. I was now unbelievably aroused just from that slap I could feel my body getting uncannily responsive to touch and the beginnings of my vaginal juices starting to flow.
Being AFAB is something I am still working on getting fully comfortable with I didn't even masturbate until 36 so anytime my body wants female sexy time I start to get extremely anxious and insecure.
He then noticed my concern and was like whats the matter sweetheart? I was like I didn't mean to but I'm really aroused right now I wanted to iust be about business.
He's like well I have my bullet with me would you like me to help tou relieve the tension. I agreed because my pussy was now on fire and I figured I gotta do something.
He tried to get a good hit on it but with my pants and panties he was constantly all over the place it musta been disappointing for him because I started laughing I'm like how is it fucking possible that you can miss the entier spot so regularly.
Yet his fumbling led to me almost fuming since now I wanted sexual stimulation so I was like maybe this will help your weak aim. I pulled my pants down giving him direct access to my panties and well he went from not even hitting the board to finally starting to dial it in. I was now enjoying the stimulation and at times working into him with my hips.
Yet as fun as this was this was a kinda mild vibration and i was like look I use a Hitachi at home crank this so called bullet and now go under my panties and hit me harder.
Well now what was once playful quickly became sexual for sure because it took all my disapline and self control to keep from screaming out like a stabbed banshee.
We were in the drive thru and hes like there's cameras and if you wanna stop we can stop I was like not really but heres the thing look like were about to order food and not that your enjoying masturbating me with a bullet.
He failed almost immediately as i let out a gasp and for a second drove my hips in such a way the bullet started to penetrate me a pleasurable yelp followed as i recoiled.
He was going to touch or kiss me and I said look I fucking mean it if you can't make it look like were just here to get food the party ends!
Well he obeyed my request and he just sat there looking at the menu and other cars mildly chatting while his right hand bullet and my hips were working the shit outta my body.
I was also trying to keep my mouth shut and torso straight but eventually I had an orgasm and like an accordion crumpled and folded in my seat at this point hes ordering and i am doing everything I can not to gasp.
Eventually the bullet runs outta energy and he askes if he xan manually simulate me with his hands I refuse. We get the food we eat and chat abit and then something odd happens.
For the first time ever for a guy I feel like vaginal contractions and this almost pleeding need in my body to be fucked. It was so painful at times I could barely keep from having audible discomfort.
He was asking me whats wrong and I expalined look im in my late 30's never had sex with a guy for a reason and I sure as hell am not about to in a Macdonald's parking lot.
He agreed that if I didn't want to he wouldn't pressure me or be disappointed and after we finished eating we went home.
Here's what makes me write this I never quite understood how a female could ever stay with or make love to an abuser or any guy the didn't fully want.
Well I learned while we were in my driveway we hugged and his strong arms powerful hands my arousal and the scratch of his beard on my soft face as he kissed me while he said good night I screamed at him I'm not fucking you in my driveway and leapt outta the car like I was launched from a cannon.
I wanted to have sex with him so badly my whole body was aching for it this was so emotional I was panting and crying and hating myself all at the same time.
Three things that are important to note about me---
A. My family tried to transition me to male and convinced me for awhile that maybe I am male. So on some level having a female body and thoughts still feels kinda awkward.
B. I was sexually abused by men and that makes me incredibly nervous about a male abusing me again I mean the only two times a male penetrated me at all before was during rapes so yeah actually wanting a guy to have sex with me is quite new. Infact after the second sexual abuse I had sworn Id rather die then live after another sexual assult.
C. I know I'm in an intense emotional time literally my transman friend Prince who came to live with me in August so they could have a safe space around non judgemental people in a spare room while they transitioned. They committed suicide Monday and I as an EMT conducted an exam of there body to determine they didn't need emergency services. Additionally the next day since they are so heavy I helped load them into a body bag cleaned the scene and had to deal with the states medical examiner's office misgendering them and using there legal name at the time even when I was asking them not to.
If that wasn't enough I had to watch them write in the tags and the body bag there legal name which I know they would hate.
41% of trans people attempt sucide. Around roughly 20% or so achieve it thats 1 in 5 roughly vs the standard population of like 2 in nearly 100,000. This is a crisis the likes of which has never been addressed.
Please love and support your trans friends beyond measure they need you constantly to stay alive!
So yeah is this the right fucking time to lose my virginity to a male the first time I am gonna chose to fuck a guy is now not in your life.
I don't care how much my idiot body primal side wants to get fucked it can hate me all it wants I know not only is now not the right time its disrespectful of me processing my feelings and anyone who doesn't understand that can kiss my ass.
This could trigger – please don't read if medical emergencies can trigger you.
This afternoon, I was going to meet a new friend. As I was leaving the house, someone close to me, who I thought might simply be jealous of me spending time with someone else, said, “I haven't seen our roommate Prince. I think maybe something happened.” I was like, “They’re an adult; how bad could it possibly be?”
Went to go meet the friend, but that took an unexpected turn. They ended up feeling that I was being disingenuous about things I said and did and reading ill intent into my behaviors. So clearly that went poorly. Came home, where we have Ring cameras, and was like, “Fine. Let me see what’s going on with this roommate.”
I hadn't noticed Prince feed their fish in like 2 days. Even if they weren't feeling well, they didn't ask me to feed their fish? I have done that for them before. Now I was just as concerned. Looked at all the cameras, made a timeline, and then called the police for a wellness check. We opened the door on their request, and since there was no early positive signs, they asked me to do my job as an EMT.
I went over, but I didn't want to set the priority. They asked me why I wasn't going to start CPR and then to give my report as trained around care priority. I went over the signs of life. I went over what I did to come to the medical decision on setting the priority. They thanked me and sent the police without medical backup, non-emergency. I knew the roommate had issues – mental, emotional, and a past history of drug use. I had hoped by welcoming my friend into the house, we could maybe set them on a more stable and healthy path forward. I had noticed them going through some issues lately, but they pushed me away when I tried to help.
I couldn't have possibly predicted that within a few months of them living here I would be acting as an EMT for them, without any way to save them. Good intentions is the path to hell. I will never forget this day; it is a reminder. I woke up optimistic, and the universe was like, “Yeah, not quite, bitch.”
I worked in a nursing home as a security guard, where I have watched people die. As a member of the LGBTIQ community, I have known people who died, even some I tried to reach out to. This is the first time I had to work as an EMT on my friend – with nothing I could do but preserve the scene, so that way the police and crime lab could do their jobs. It definitely feels different. I was so reluctant; you can ask anyone, I kept trying to make them send someone else to conduct the examination, but as any good emergency services, they took advantage of available resources to set priority.
If my life wasn't already so damn insane, I could see how this could destroy some people with how bad it feels right now. But for anyone who’s read my life, for me this is kinda what I have grown to expect – the Buddhist four noble truths:
Life is suffering
The cause of suffering is craving
The end of suffering comes with an end to craving
There is a path which leads one away from craving and suffering
I must accept that the reality is what it shall be. I can only control myself and no other. I have seen worse days; there will probably be other horrible days ahead. If anything, losing my friend/ roommate to either SI or an OD has now only made me more filled with desire to help people.
There is a unique transformation going on in my life and you all who read my blog have watched it unravel before you.
I was born female but was raised male for a time. By puberty it was clear I was a female bodied and wanted to be as nature intended. Yet the previous confusion caused by my parents wanting a son made me insecure in my womanhood.
Well here's the thing I just turned 39 I have had 26 years of living with the knowledge that I'm female and my body never had any hang ups as it developed.
I might not have thought the day would ever come but my female sexuality and body has fully integrated into me. I am joyful to be a woman and have a unique opportunity to enjoy life unencumbered by the past.
This new sense of confidence and vocalizing my needs wants and desires with Heartfelt integrity has opened the flood gates of change.
After a relationship drought of years I now have: an ex, 3 coworkers, two doms, a few people from this website a couple of my best friends all shown some varying degrees of interest in me as more then just a friend.
Additionally I have had phone sex, been suspended, fire play, invited to 3 different sex parties, had someone eat me out by the way it was so good that I lost muscle control and my pussy pretty much made me purr like a good kitty! What the hell is going on!
Even more crazy sexy cool I have had people appear to tell me they have a crush on me. Yet all this positive affirmation has solidified this is the right choice the world Is taking well to genuine me
When I rejected my body it's no surprise people rejected me. As I have started to love the skin I'm in and embrace my feminine existence others have responded.
It's so intense to go from zero to 100 when it comes to human interpersonal relationships. This should be celebrated but its also scary.
I'm way outside my comfort zone help me😭
I have been saying for years I have been really into BDSM as a top / dom and used to visit places in NYC regularly. I so fucking loving being a member of an amazing dungeon near me!
After I fell outta the lifestyle, I had confidence issues without it I faced an identity crisis. I have since come to appreciate not only am I extremely feminine, I love being female, I'm a switch, and desired to sub at times.
There was opportunity to grow but I was afraid at first of what I might find so stayed trapped being and doing things I hated for years. Being free finally is amazing I never knew life could be this good again!
This is the year of Anya! Med schools calling, EMT saving, dungeon member, kink playing, taekwondo doing, people loving, school crushing Anya. The only thing that could cap this off is if I also found my soulmate but you never know.
So much has changed in this year I wouldn't have asked to change a damn thing, it went exactly as it needed to for maximum Anya benefits.
i thank you all for being in my life, rooting me on in the journey. I can't forget to thank the haters, those who put me down, fought with me, ghosted me, you're part of the fuel I needed to crush it like I do.
PS I updated my pictures, take a look you won't be disappointed!
Make comments on my new photos, my new outlook, or just to say hi. Join team Anya it would mean the world to me.
Just last weekend I spent Friday and Saturday in a dungeon and well had a great time. I am now a member and about to go okay Saturday night.
I also at about the same time realized the meaning to the saying the past is in the past.
So much of my currey hang ups being a biological woman, finding men attractive, anxiety around self harm. These aren't useful things anymore, I love myself and part of that is accepting who I am and what I am about. My body has been telling me the woman I am for a long time I really owe her an apology.
Not that long ago I said because my attempt in September to have sex with my best male friend was bad I had sworn off all men having sex with me.
I kinda retract that as me being moody and upset I totally wanna get fucked by a guy at some point if evenninky onfe just i
I know i prefer women but the curiosity burns in my heart and vagina to taste cock finally.
I can resist the temptation i already had for over 20 years! But
I am ready to see what all the fuss about with the right person.
I have people all the time come up to me and tell me how awesome entertaining high energy I am and it feels great bit I don't know why people don't feel those same things ngs about me behind closed doors it be nice to have a girlfriend again :(
So I have been on hormone therapy for most my life for one reason or another. Well being AFAB trying to dial in my body so that it functions properly is more art then science since it doesn't produce enough on its own.
Well due to me braking my foot in four places after the calf tear they decided that I needed to have progesterone therapy again which is a mild risk for cancer but has many benefits in women include the following:
Eases anxiety
Promotes memory
Helps to prevent overgrowth of certain types of cells, which can help protect against some cancers including those of the breast or the uterus
Helps to prevent overgrowth of cells of the endometrial lining and prevent endometriosis from forming
Helps with symptoms of PMS
Increases ability to handle stress
Helps the metabolism by contributing to the use of fat for energy
Assists in preventing plaque from forming on arterial walls
Helps to lower triglycerides
Essential for bone growth
All that I knew clearly I'm on it for the bone growth but i have lost a ton of fat as well 45 pounds in 5 months would it of happened without it I doubt it.
Yet what I learned today because I was so horny even after masturbating to 3 orgasms in a row I still wanted to be fucked I had no idea what was going on i found this gem.
"Progesterone
Progesterone keeps your libido elevated. If your progesterone levels are low, there’s a good chance the urge to have sex just won’t be there."
So maybe being an intense sexual being is normal for me but since i had been off progesterone for nearly 6 years there is no wonder I was cold as a fish and had nearly no desire at all.
But i started in July and well look at when i started contributing to the cage blog again and my actions in real life.
Clearly my hormones are influencing what I want and need to be happy as a woman ♀️. A part of me is still trying to adapt and just accept this is me since in some ways it stills feels odd but when its a thing thats been going on 24/7 for 4 months you gotta adapt eventually.
I think its pretty rad to finally be healthy and comfortable with my female libido.
My ex who I still live with saw a package and its really light and he said oh there is a package for you what is it?
I said if you really wanna know you can just open it.
He said fine I don't mind if I do and he pulled out what he described as a light but frim shaft wrapped with a Leather tip and a grip handle.
He looked at it like it was an alien in his hand and hes like what is it?
I am like what do you think it is?
He said i have no idea is this some of that weirdo sex shit?
I said its a horse crop one of the highest rated on Amazon genuine leather.
Hes like well you don't have any horses.
I said I know... So what do you think I can use it for then?
Hes like to hit a girlfriend is this you telling me you have a girlfriend again?
I'm like hunnie I'm a sadist switch that prefers to top I'll hit anyone who wants it but it doesn't just have to be a strike it could be a pat it could be sensual it could be part of a scene theres more to a device then using it as a tool its what you and your partner or partners in the scene want it to mean and you create art experience and expression with eachother.
He's like you never did any of that shit with me.
I'm like right there you just called it shit. Its not shit its taking what many cis hetro non kinky men think of sex 15 minutes cum and sleep and turning it into an adventure.
You know when I tried to go vanilla I sold all my toys so I been slowly getting them back by the way I also have a violet wand I got last month that you didn't see.
Hes like whats that some sorta fake flower on a stick.
I'm like yeah something like that but if you look it up you might be surprised.😇
I write a post about hating myself and how confusing life is and i get like double digit likes and quite a few comments.
I visit a dungeon two days in a row and have one of the best weekends in my life and like hardly a word.
I do find it odd how it seemed people here seem to more willing to try and lift someone up when they are down which is good but a hug and good job when someone is genuinely happy and having some fun experiences its like eh not interested.
Also some of the people I have chatted on this website that extended into real life contacts didn't seem happy for me or interested.
Its kinda funny to see how people who pretended to be your friends quickly start to lose interest when they don't think they will get to be your top your dom your play partner or more.
I am on a BDSM website for crying out loud did people think I wouldn't enjoy a dungeon? Or make friends or find fun man O got invited to after parties that seemed to kick off even more fun experiences but I had work to do for school.
Anyway this is just venting i am glad many of you tried to lift me up when I was feeling like shit but I wish you could be happy for me when I'm having a good time as well.