Ice Girl's public thoughts.

As some of you may know I list over 50 pounds in 5 months and put on a ton of muscle. i am training for competition Taekwondo.

 

So i been feeling really great my flexibility is almost at the point where i can put my legs behind my head again and do near full splits while also having some amazing tone in my arms and legs even my abs are starting to peak out again.

 

Yet as great as the transformation feels it comes at a cost.

 

I expected the getting hit on constantly by men that I'm used to what I didn't expect was all the female cat fighting. I have lost a couple of Friends who keeps saying ive changed and if you read my blogs yeah maybe I'm a tad more confident and busy but I'm not just running about being odd about it i have so much insecurity that at times I piss females off by iust crying.

 

I had this on friend who refused to speak to me because I was crying to her about how upsetting it is to get hit on and cat called again. Shes overweight and kinda has a shitty attitude but we were always friends but me complaining about an actual issue she took kinda personal and she broke down and told me she always wish she got cat called and she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face how much prettier I am.

 

I am so bad at even having these conversations because it doesn't matter that I am getting " objectively hotter" it doesn't change that I'm insecure confused nervous and anxious about all of this.

 

I lost the weight for taekwondo not to have my female friends not want to hang out with me because they are jealous of all the attention I been getting. 

I am going to my friend’s wake tonight. I don’t know if I ever told you all about what shattered my world so much that I self-harmed.

 

I was roughly 16. I was seeing doctors – can’t remember how many it was, but I finally got a specialist who could help me with my unusual problem.

 

They conducted their examination, looked at the blood work, the reports, and they said, “Anya, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it needs to be said.” I said, “Ok, what’s going on?” “You’re a female.” I was like, “Yeah, I know that. What else?”

 

“Aww, honey, do you know men don’t normally have monthly cycles?” I was like, “Yeah, but people have oddities all the time.” “Yeah, but you’re that way because internally you’re a normal female.” I was like, “Wait, what?”

She was like, “I know it’s a lot. Yeah, internally you’re a woman. It’s rare, but it happens, and seeing how your family treated you, doesn’t it make sense now, everything that happened?”

I was like, “Wait, so everything has been a lie ...” They were like, “Not a lie so much as they were doing what they thought was best for you. But with your situation we probably should correct this so things can function normally.”

 

When I got home, I immediately called my mother and screamed at her over the phone with perhaps the most primal scream I ever let out. “Male on the outside, female on the inside? That wasn’t a fucking metaphor for how sensitive and kindhearted I am.” She said, “No, it was the age-appropriate way to try and explain the situation, and to be frank, I had hoped it would be enough and we wouldn’t get to this point.”

I said, “How could you lie to me, beat me, treat me like shit all these years when you knew what was wrong with me, and I just needed love and support?” She said, “How do you think I felt? I wanted what’s best for you, and you just refused to listen to me. You’re the one who gave up on me, not the other way around.”

 

The unbelievable callous nature of the exchange, the fact was I knew at that moment she’d never see. I hung up on her, and I immediately reflected on my life – without any real support or friends, nonexistent family. At the time, I said to myself, “Well, there’s no way I can handle this,” and I tried to punch my ticket.

 

I self-harmed enough to send me to the hospital. Luckily, I lived.

Still to this day, I get anxious around having periods. I guess it ties back to that day and some of the panic I felt finding out that I was AFAB and that my family tried to lie and suppress it.

 

What’s funny – the same situation kinda echoed this very last summer. One of the issues on my medical charts said unusual vaginal or uterine bleeding. My primary was like, “Anya, why is that even on there?” Yet this time, unlike at 16, I am an expert at intersex conditions and know mine backwards and forwards.

“Oh, that’s easy. You see, since I have Complete Androgen Insensitivity, most people with the condition don’t have any uterus, it just ends in a blind pouch. The issue in my case is I also have Persistent Mullerian ducts, which need a hormone during birth to cause them to recede.” In fact, Persistent Mullerian ducts can exist without someone being CAIS.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Anya, I know this is going to be hard for you again, so let me phrase this very carefully – what is unusual about people with uterus having periods?”

I looked at her confused, like I didn’t have an answer, as if my brain just froze.

She then went on to say, “It’s perfectly normal for girls and young women to have periods. It’s not a health condition; it shouldn’t be on your chart as a problem.”

I was like, “But the fact is I’m rare.”

“Honey, you ain’t rare. You’re typical for a female, and having that in there makes people concerned something abnormal is going on. Look, if you need therapy or what, let me know. I can refer you, but I’m taking it off, and you gotta get it through your head one day – there’s nothing abnormal about being a woman. I don’t care what your family made you feel about yourself.”

I get goosebumps writing about this, and I can’t help but fidget uncontrollably. It has been a long journey learning to accept myself and grow into the woman I always had the potential to be.

 

Admitting my struggles openly has been a part of the process. I am not ashamed that this is my life and the path I took to accept my body and myself. There are those who say if you would just shut up and not talk about it, you’d live in peace and you’d never have to have an uncomfortable conversation again.

That might be true, but many intersex people say the I stands for invisible. I know part of the reason I thought my life was over and I needed to snuff it out was what role model did I have, what icon? Can you name one?

 

I am not saying I am anywhere near my full potential, but there is a saying “be the change you wanna see in the world.” I wanna live in a world where intersex people feel comfortable talking about their bodies and unique experiences, where the stigma, shame, and pain are replaced by hope, love, community, and kindness.

 

Yet that can only happen if people are willing to share their journey, to peacefully educate, to provide the cover for the next generation to have it a little easier, so that they may have less pain and indignity than mine.

 

I am Anya Kylie, proudly intersex, At Female At Birth, and I believe all the challenges I faced were meaningful because they prepared me to take on anything.

 

Tonight, I go to the wake of my friend who wasn’t as lucky as me. It will be devastating, but I know I need to be there to provide my strength for others. Prince always said, “Anya, if I had 10% of your strength, I could do anything.” Prince’s family and other friends are going to need me and my strength tonight, so I shall be there for them.

Love you all.

For those who don't know I'm a At Female At Birth intersex person, recently a friend of mine who came to live with me in my home to find a safe place to transition. He either OD or committed sucide within the last few day where I currently sit soaked in tears. I not only found his body as an EMT they made conduct an examination of his body to not send valuable emergency resources if he was already dead. 

 

This is the last letter I wrote to him, I am sharing it for all of you to see in honor of him. Remember if you know an intersex trans or nonbinary person in your life love and support them it's a challenging experience some don't make it. 

 

Did anything I do matter

Prince, you came to me wounded and with a heavy problem

We both were kin in so many ways

Rape, domestic abuse, difficult childhood, gender-related trauma

You always admired how strong I was, how I seemed to get through it all

You would often tell me if you had 10% of my strength you could do anything

Well, you did have 100% of my love and friendship

Do you think I would ask just anybody to come and live with me

I saw you needed help and I wanted to cheer you on

Hell, I often would be needed to just hug you while you cried

I often had to hear of your pain and confusion for being you

I tried to encourage you that everything was gonna be ok

That all you gotta do is make it a few more days and the clouds would break

Yet I knew it had gotten bad a couple of weeks ago when you pushed me away

Someone you once clung to as a life preserver

You told me I was smothering

“Anya, you’re like a puppy – your energy and love is too much, just calm down”

“I’m a cat, you need to give me space while I figure this next part out”

“I’ll come to you eventually”

I know how so many people violated your wishes

So I said if you don’t want me to be your friend or like how it’s going

Whatever you need, if you need, so be it

You said no, I want to still be friends – just right now 

I need time and space and I need you to accept that

I listened to your request, every fiber in my heart wanted to comfort you

I knew I needed to trust that you knew what you needed from me

Yet I write this now as you, Prince, have left this Earth 

You might have overdosed or committed suicide in my home last Tuesday

I tried so hard to save you, someone who seemed so down on life and themselves

 

Did anything I do matter,

Why did you come to live here with me; you knew I wanted to help you achieve your desires

I gave you a safe supportive place, a place you could call home

You had told me you readjusted to here and you loved having me and Sitka around

Then you leave this world in the very room you told me you found peace

Without even a whisper to me – how could you not call out for help

I am an EMT, god damn it! 

I am supposed to save people, not bury them

Your family wants to believe it was health-related

Yet I’m the one that had to first examine your body – there are reasons to think otherwise

Yet I didn’t do an autopsy, it could have been natural

IF THAT IS SO

Why didn’t you call out to me, I was not even 15 seconds away 

I would have thrown you to the ground and been your beating heart as long as it took

I was right here, I could have saved you, gotten you to a hospital

WHY DIE WHEN YOU CAN FIGHT TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS A REALTIY

 

In the end, did my attempts to save you these past few months even matter

What did it mean 

what does any of this mean

That I’m a fucking failure, another loved one I disappointed by being me

That even when someone comes to me for help

All I can do is stand by helpless, unable to avert destiny

I pray for only one thing, the strength to keep trying

This blow has crippled me, Prince

I used to believe I could save people, what a fool I was

I’d have done anything for you, you knew that 

Why were you always so shy about asking me for help

I always readily offered it to you

Is it because of that one time when you offered me comfort when I was crying

I said no, Prince, not as a rejection, I just felt you have far too many troubles

You need not worry about me, Prince, I don’t know how to lay down

Now here I am almost every day crying over losing you, friend

The greatest comfort was just knowing I was helping you, didn’t you see that

You chose me to be your safe place, to seek peace 

I hope you found it – by the look on your face it seems you did

If you could ask to comfort me again, I would humbly take that hug now 

I guess we will puta pin in it for all eternity

So the friend who accused me of being a lyin manipulator. I was like theres absolutely no way they are gonna talk to me again they texted me and we chatted for about 3 hours I think we're about to try again at being friends who the effs knows my lifes been so crazy I am just gonna keep staying true to myself let reality unfold before me. 

I want to thank everyone who reached out about the last blog. Yes in many ways I feel this website has been a place of support love and encouragement from the bottom of my heart thank you I needed the extra attention its been really difficult the last couple of days.

 

Tonight a dear kinky friend was worried about me and volunteered to accompany me to the gym to keep me company. Due to my goal to become a competitive martial artist again I tend to go to the gym everyday sometimes twice a day.

 

After we agreed on time and such he was very polite positive and silly he knew I also needed cheering up after what I been through even though when I go to the gym I'm normally all about business finding a happy medium between my ball busting pace ( good thing I don't have em so whatever) and his sorta hey let's be active with a friend.

 

I was teaching him developmentally how to progress safely and distinct as someone who ran Marathons and studied a ton of human physiology when it comes to sports science I am your girl.

 

We dialed him in had a great work out for about 1:30-2:00 hours the pace was a little relaxed for me but we ended with some heavy weight lifting bench pressing 145 pounds and squatting 125 was enough that it took the last bit of my excess strength.

 

HERE CUMS THE CRAZY PART!

So as we leave he is like hey do you mind if I hold you I know you been through a lot. I was like yeah sure no problem. Subconsciously my head started to nest into his shoulder and I started to look at him sorta lovingly as he then pets me hed rubbing it gently and whispering things like its gonna be ok you were a good friend and you're a really good girl you know that.

 At some point he asked if he could kiss me this was after he made note of the fact his windows are slightly tinted.

 

I was like hold up! Dude comforting me is ok working out with me is good for us both lets face it you need more gym in your life as well. But I am in no mood for play how dare you.

 

He then said I just wanted you too feel more comfortable maybe and loved but that's ok lets not be that way.

 

I was like fine hey I didn't really eat today because I was so upset and now I am starving do you mind if we go to the Macdonald's and i just get a happy meal?

He was like sure as we started driving over he said do you mind if I rub your leg to just sorta stimulate and comfort you.

 

I was loke that's fine and he just sorta rubs my left leg rhythmically intune with my natural twitching and then he says have you ever had anyone slap your thigh and grab it before. I was like nope can't say that I have as living most my life as an alpha dom and abused anyone hits me is usually an invitation to me fucking them up.

 

He said wanna see what it feels like? I was like yeah I'm curious enough to try and he slaps not hard but it pops with a sting and then he grabs my inner thigh somehow I felt it all throughout my body and shuttered letting out this whimpering moan and my body jerked as if a ripple was going through me from his thunderous slap.

 

I barely could breath but mustered a what the hell was that? Hes like I don't know but I think you liked it with this evil little chuckle. I was now unbelievably aroused just from that slap I could feel my body getting uncannily responsive to touch and the beginnings of my vaginal juices starting to flow.

 

Being AFAB is something I am still working on getting fully comfortable with I didn't even masturbate until 36 so anytime my body wants female sexy time I start to get extremely anxious and insecure.

 

He then noticed my concern and was like whats the matter sweetheart? I was like I didn't mean to but I'm really aroused right now I wanted to iust be about business.

 

He's like well I have my bullet with me would you like me to help tou relieve the tension. I agreed because my pussy was now on fire and I figured I gotta do something.

 

He tried to get a good hit on it but with my pants and panties he was constantly all over the place it musta been disappointing for him because I started laughing I'm like how is it fucking possible that you can miss the entier spot so regularly.

 

Yet his fumbling led to me almost fuming since now I wanted sexual stimulation so I was like maybe this will help your weak aim. I pulled my pants down giving him direct access to my panties and well he went from not even hitting the board to finally starting to dial it in. I was now enjoying the stimulation and at times working into him with my hips. 

 

Yet as fun as this was this was a kinda mild vibration and i was like look I use a Hitachi at home crank this so called bullet and now go under my panties and hit me harder.

 

Well now what was once playful quickly became sexual for sure because it took all my disapline and self control to keep from screaming out like a stabbed banshee.

 

We were in the drive thru and hes like there's cameras and if you wanna stop we can stop I was like not really but heres the thing look like were about to order food and not that your enjoying masturbating me with a bullet.

 

He failed almost immediately as i let out a gasp and for a second drove my hips in such a way the bullet started to penetrate me a pleasurable yelp followed as i recoiled. 

 

He was going to touch or kiss me and I said look I fucking mean it if you can't make it look like were just here to get food the party ends!

 

Well he obeyed my request and he just sat there looking at the menu and other cars mildly chatting while his right hand bullet and my hips were working the shit outta my body.

 

I was also trying to keep my mouth shut and torso straight but eventually I had an orgasm and like an accordion crumpled and folded in my seat at this point hes ordering and i am doing everything I can not to gasp.

 

Eventually the bullet runs outta energy and he askes if he xan manually simulate me with his hands I refuse. We get the food we eat and chat abit and then something odd happens.

 

For the first time ever for a guy I feel like vaginal contractions and this almost pleeding need in my body to be fucked. It was so painful at times I could barely keep from having audible discomfort. 

 

He was asking me whats wrong and I expalined look im in my late 30's never had sex with a guy for a reason and I sure as hell am not about to in a Macdonald's parking lot. 

 

He agreed that if I didn't want to he wouldn't pressure me or be disappointed and after we finished eating we went home.

 

Here's what makes me write this I never quite understood how a female could ever stay with or make love to an abuser or any guy the didn't fully want.

 

Well I learned while we were in my driveway we hugged and his strong arms powerful hands my arousal and the scratch of his beard on my soft face as he kissed me while he said good night I screamed at him I'm not fucking you in my driveway and leapt outta the car like I was launched from a cannon.

 

I wanted to have sex with him so badly my whole body was aching for it this was so emotional I was panting and crying and hating myself all at the same time. 

 

Three things that are important to note about me---

 

A. My family tried to transition me to male and convinced me for awhile that maybe I am male. So on some level having a female body and thoughts still feels kinda awkward.

 

B. I was sexually abused by men and that makes me incredibly nervous about a male abusing me again I mean the only two times a male penetrated me at all before was during rapes so yeah actually wanting a guy to have sex with me is quite new. Infact after the second sexual abuse I had sworn Id rather die then live after another sexual assult.

 

C. I know I'm in an intense emotional time literally my transman friend Prince who came to live with me in August so they could have a safe space around non judgemental people in a spare room while they transitioned. They committed suicide Monday and I as an EMT conducted an exam of there body to determine they didn't need emergency services. Additionally the next day since they are so heavy I helped load them into a body bag cleaned the scene and had to deal with the states medical examiner's office misgendering them and using there legal name at the time even when I was asking them not to.

 

If that wasn't enough I had to watch them write in the tags and the body bag there legal name which I know they would hate.

 

41% of trans people attempt sucide. Around roughly 20% or so achieve it thats 1 in 5 roughly vs the standard population of like 2 in nearly 100,000. This is a crisis the likes of which has never been addressed.

 

Please love and support your trans friends beyond measure they need you constantly to stay alive!

 

So yeah is this the right fucking time to lose my virginity to a male the first time I am gonna chose to fuck a guy is now not in your life.

 

I don't care how much my idiot body primal side wants to get fucked it can hate me all it wants I know not only is now not the right time its disrespectful of me processing my feelings and anyone who doesn't understand that can kiss my ass. 

 

 

 

This could trigger – please don't read if medical emergencies can trigger you.

 

This afternoon, I was going to meet a new friend. As I was leaving the house, someone close to me, who I thought might simply be jealous of me spending time with someone else, said, “I haven't seen our roommate Prince. I think maybe something happened.” I was like, “They’re an adult; how bad could it possibly be?”

 

Went to go meet the friend, but that took an unexpected turn. They ended up feeling that I was being disingenuous about things I said and did and reading ill intent into my behaviors. So clearly that went poorly. Came home, where we have Ring cameras, and was like, “Fine. Let me see what’s going on with this roommate.”

 

I hadn't noticed Prince feed their fish in like 2 days. Even if they weren't feeling well, they didn't ask me to feed their fish? I have done that for them before. Now I was just as concerned. Looked at all the cameras, made a timeline, and then called the police for a wellness check. We opened the door on their request, and since there was no early positive signs, they asked me to do my job as an EMT.  

 

I went over, but I didn't want to set the priority. They asked me why I wasn't going to start CPR and then to give my report as trained around care priority. I went over the signs of life. I went over what I did to come to the medical decision on setting the priority. They thanked me and sent the police without medical backup, non-emergency. I knew the roommate had issues – mental, emotional, and a past history of drug use. I had hoped by welcoming my friend into the house, we could maybe set them on a more stable and healthy path forward. I had noticed them going through some issues lately, but they pushed me away when I tried to help.

 

I couldn't have possibly predicted that within a few months of them living here I would be acting as an EMT for them, without any way to save them. Good intentions is the path to hell. I will never forget this day; it is a reminder. I woke up optimistic, and the universe was like, “Yeah, not quite, bitch.”

 

I worked in a nursing home as a security guard, where I have watched people die. As a member of the LGBTIQ community, I have known people who died, even some I tried to reach out to. This is the first time I had to work as an EMT on my friend – with nothing I could do but preserve the scene, so that way the police and crime lab could do their jobs. It definitely feels different. I was so reluctant; you can ask anyone, I kept trying to make them send someone else to conduct the examination, but as any good emergency services, they took advantage of available resources to set priority.

If my life wasn't already so damn insane, I could see how this could destroy some people with how bad it feels right now. But for anyone who’s read my life, for me this is kinda what I have grown to expect – the Buddhist four noble truths:

Life is suffering

The cause of suffering is craving

The end of suffering comes with an end to craving

There is a path which leads one away from craving and suffering

I must accept that the reality is what it shall be. I can only control myself and no other. I have seen worse days; there will probably be other horrible days ahead. If anything, losing my friend/ roommate to either SI or an OD has now only made me more filled with desire to help people.

 

There is a unique transformation going on in my life and you all who read my blog have watched it unravel before you.

 

I was born female but was raised male for a time. By puberty it was clear I was a female bodied and wanted to be as nature intended. Yet the previous confusion caused by my parents wanting a son made me insecure in my womanhood. 

 

Well here's the thing I just turned 39 I have had 26 years of living with the knowledge that I'm female and my body never had any hang ups as it developed. 

 

I might not have thought the day would ever come but my female sexuality and body has fully integrated into me. I am joyful to be a woman and have a  unique opportunity to enjoy life unencumbered by the past.

 

This new sense of confidence and vocalizing my needs wants and desires with Heartfelt integrity has opened the flood gates of change.

 

After a relationship drought of years I now have: an ex, 3 coworkers, two doms, a few people from this website a couple of my best friends all shown some varying degrees of interest in me as more then just a friend.

 

Additionally I have had phone sex, been suspended, fire play, invited to 3 different sex parties, had someone eat me out by the way it was so good that I lost muscle control and my pussy pretty much made me purr like a good kitty! What the hell is going on! 

 

Even more crazy sexy cool I have had people appear to tell me they have a crush on me. Yet all this positive affirmation has solidified this is the right choice the world Is taking well to genuine me 

 

When I rejected my body it's no surprise people rejected me. As I have started to love the skin I'm in and embrace my feminine existence others have responded.

 

It's so intense to go from zero to 100 when it comes to human interpersonal relationships. This should be celebrated but its also scary.

 

I'm way outside my comfort zone help me?

I have been saying for years I have been really into BDSM as a top / dom and used to visit places in NYC regularly. I so fucking loving being a member of an amazing dungeon near me! 

 

After I fell outta the lifestyle, I had confidence issues without it I faced an identity crisis. I have since come to appreciate not only am I extremely feminine, I love being female, I'm a switch, and desired to sub at times. 

 

There was opportunity to grow but I was afraid at first of what I might find so stayed trapped being and doing things I hated for years. Being free finally is amazing I never knew life could be this good again! 

 

This is the year of Anya! Med schools calling, EMT saving, dungeon member, kink playing, taekwondo doing, people loving, school crushing Anya. The only thing that could cap this off is if I also found my soulmate but you never know.

 

So much has changed in this year I wouldn't have asked to change a damn thing, it went exactly as it needed to for maximum Anya benefits.

 

i thank you all for being in my life, rooting me on in the journey. I can't forget to thank the haters, those who put me down, fought with me, ghosted me, you're part of the fuel I needed to crush it like I do. 

 

PS I updated my pictures, take a look you won't be disappointed! 

 

Make comments on my new photos, my new outlook, or just to say hi. Join team Anya it would mean the world to me. 

Just last weekend I spent Friday and Saturday in a dungeon and well had a great time. I am now a member and about to go okay Saturday night. 

 

I also at about the same time realized the meaning to the saying the past is in the past.

 

So much of my currey hang ups being a biological woman, finding men attractive, anxiety around self harm. These aren't useful things anymore, I love myself and part of that is accepting who I am and what I am about. My body has been telling me the woman I am for a long time I really owe her an apology. 

 

Not that long ago I said because my attempt in September to have sex with my best male friend was bad I had sworn off all men having sex with me.

 

I kinda retract that as me being moody and upset I totally wanna get fucked by a guy at some point if evenninky onfe just i

 

I know i prefer women but the curiosity burns in my heart and vagina to taste cock finally.

 

I can resist the temptation i already had for over 20 years! But

I am ready to see what all the fuss about with the right person. 

I have people all the time come up to me and tell me how awesome entertaining high energy I am and it feels great bit I don't know why people don't feel those same things ngs about me behind closed doors it be nice to have a girlfriend again :(