Ice Girl's public thoughts.

The life choices I made weren't an accident. I have smashed the glass out of a burning car while a grandmother sat inside screaming once.

I come on the scene as a private ambulance stopping because we had no one in the back. "We have to wait for the fire department to come back up; this is too dangerous," my partner says as I jump out of the car.

I said, "What's dangerous is living with myself knowing I didn't do everything I could to save a life."

I fly to the car next to the grandmother on the passenger side; she's confused, her daughter and other bystanders safely on the side walk screaming for help as others are on the phones and or taping. I don't care i got work to do I tell my partner "you Handle them I will help grandma"

Grandma is bleeding from the head - airbag deployed, shes frantic. I tell her "I am going to get her out, but I need you to cover your eyes." I have to do this because the door is damaged and won't open. I can smell the gas fumes and the heat from the engine, and I know time could be limited.

Bystanders want to assist me, I tell my partner to get them back "I don't have time" I smash the glass with my raptor, and the grandmother is startled and starts to scream as the safety glass is all over the place I make sure to brush it aside.

I tell her it's ok, and lean in give her a light hug, and let her know the situation warrants her movement to safety and I will ensure it happens.

First I need to assess whether she can be moved safely. My partner screams about the fuel leak getting worse and says the situation isn't safe; pull back.

I am like, "If it's not safe for me, it's not safe for her." let me do my job.

So I check her C-spine, her sensation, her eyes, and her ABCD's Her bones, and I am flying through the work; maybe it will get done in 1-2 minutes. Her spine is good, her bones are good, basic assessment it seems like a bit of shock, possible concussion, a slight bruise and mild bleeding on head and panic. I let her know that I am going to cut her out of the belt and pull her from the car through the window, and she is like, "Are you sure?" I am like, "Much safer than sitting in a car with a possible fire in the engine and fuel leak, yeah?"

She agrees.

I ask her to hug me and push off with her feet as I pull her through the window. I get her out, she is then holding onto me in a bare hug, and I gently get my hand under her and hold her in a cradle position as we go to the nearby grass. I ask my coworker to get some sheets and a pillow before I lay her down.

When the ground is ready I lay her on the blanket and get right beside her on my keens, saying, "Hey, how's it going?" with a relieved smile she seems to be alert and responsive.

She's still confused and asked "what happened." I told her that her daughter got into an accident and your side of the car was damaged from hitting a wall.

There was a fuel leak, so once I assessed you could be moved I had to move you for fear it could ignite, or you could have issues from inhaling the fumes.

She then was like, "Who are you?" I'm Anya, an NREMT; I'm just glad to be here in your moment of need.

Then I went on to do a full trauma assessment and get her prepped to leave.

After another 5 minutes, the fire department ambulance showed up. When they got there, I gave them the rundown and helped turn over my patient to them. They were pleasantly surprised that everything was ready to go.

A magnitude of intensity burns within me craving freedom!

I feel most alive the more extreme the situation; can you believe the world wants me to stand in line for 15 minutes at Target to buy some bagels.

I feel like I'm dying every agonizing second of the mundane.

Make me feel real, if even for a faint flash! I am the embodiment BDSM because I need the edge. The intersection where Passion, Excitement, Sexuality and Hysteria collide—I treasure It.

An unfortunate part about being female is the nights where I am soaked with tears of need and the moisture of unforfilled nights. An emptiness of both physical and emotional substance.

I'd rather be celibate then take up with another person who didn't love me - Yet my body doesn't abide by rules.

Someone wanna play with me ??

I lament the days I was asexual, life was simpler. Sex wasn't pressing me but an arrangement outta kindness, a desire to please my significant other.

Although these feelings shall pass as research dictates--

"Increased libido as you approach ovulation and a drop in libido once ovulation occurs. According to research, this phase of increased sexual desire lasts for around six days. "

For me it's only a couple of days thank goodness, six would be insanity!

1: When did you lose your virginity?

 Female 14, have yet to willingly allow a man to penetrate me but have given blow jobs. 

2: Rough sex or soft sex? Depends on my mood, I usually perfer intense. I'm a member of a BDSM club. 

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? I enjoy licking and nibbling faces if I am going to be truly intimate with someone I wanna know how they taste all over. 

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? Elevator, what's funnier is I picked it because she always wanted to do that. We were in a college parking stadium that only gets used on game days but someone actually used it while we were getting busy and she didn't wanna stop. 

We ended up being exhibitioned and he the user didn't mind seeing two women go at it- that was my first time being watched. 

5: Favorite sex position? Whatever makes my partner happiest. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? Switch depends on partner mood- I tend to dom. 

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? No since I'm demisexual I won't be with someone I don't care about sex doesn't have to be in kink I will kink with anyone, but sex I save for people I care about. 

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? Anywhere they want. 

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yes

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? Nope, I don't masturbate often- didn't even masturbate regularly until recently. 

11: What does your favorite underwear look like? The one I'm taking off my partner with my teeth or knife. 

12: How often do you have sex? Haven't in awhile usually as often as my partner wants. 

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Sure. 

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Both 

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? Nothing really. 

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Prefer just my partners sounds. 

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? … Not big for music with sex but if someone wanted I'd deal with it. 

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Depends on my mood. 

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Shower 

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? No one I don't feel a sexual connection at the moment. 

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? Yes but only with two women / have always been curious about sex with a female and a male partner. 

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? Yes!

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yeah

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? I for a time was engaged with my best friend. 

25: Is there anything you do after sex? Whatever my partner wants, I tend to be very responsive in my aftercare. I do like close contact hugs cuddling though. 

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? I have some very sensitive locations that if I show you can turn me on in an instant. This one person jo who I met like a month ago ( really awesome by the way) simply tocuhed one such location and my legs gave out almost instantly because the pleasure is so intense for me I can barely function if stroked properly. 

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Whenever my partner is in the mood I get really excited the more I am able to please the person I am with that's a big turn on for me. 

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Hands, I love the feeling of a mans hands on my body and I have always been impressed how much bigger and rougher they are then mind. 

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Breasts! Is there a person who doesn't love breasts? My breasts are also the favorite part of my body. 

30: Do you watch porn? On occasion. 

I Just had to call outta work today on a holiday, which will mean an eventual write up, because of intense first-degree burns covering 4% of my body, using the “rule of Palm.” I might be a little crazy wild, but when I agree to play with a fire dom, there is an expectation that they will make it hot – not  potentially disfigure my breasts and put me in so much pain the next day that just wearing a bra makes me fight to hold back tears.  

RACK Risk Aware Consensual Kink: I knew the moment I got on the table that an accident could happen and that there is a trust between me and the dom that they wouldn’t do anything intentionally. This is why I am not pissed off at him but upset at myself for the complete trust and the hurting. Note: since it is only a first-degree burn (thank goodness), it is unlikely to leave a scar, but the healing profile for a burn is 10-20 days, and the first days are the most important. (Note: I am a professional medical provider EMT.)

The burn is on the underside of my breasts, which all ladies and other people with breast tissue can tell you is an area of sensitive skin. What makes it worse is when I tried to put a bra on – since it holds the breasts, it is compressing right in the burn area for the weight to settle. I am going to get some special hydrostatic bandages specifically for burns on top of the burn care protocol I have been following to help relieve any unintended damage or direct pressure from now on until they are no longer tender.

This is a fucking wake up call! When I say let’s get crazy that doesn’t mean to lay me up with damage for a week. I have a very intense workout and martial arts regimen and now that’s total fucked because all my energy has to go to preserving my breasts.

A direct message to me, Hey wake the fuck up! I know you pride yourself on taking pain, being fucking wild and crazy, but aren’t you lucky that it wasn’t worse? Imagine if it was a second-degree burn and for the rest of your life you were missing chunks of your breasts?

You can’t just say, yeah, whatever, go for it as long as you don’t violate my 3 core rules anymore and expect accidents like this won’t happen because many male doms are careless idiots.

My core rules are:
No penetration – I save that for people I am in a relationship with or need specific negotiation.

No bodily fluids of any kind. I am STD- and other buggers free. I intend to keep it that way.

No permanent marks.

I assume people would understand what that means and would obey it, but seeing as I am sitting over my keyboard with tits so sore I wanna claw my eyes out, I think I have to from now on understand what doms are thinking about doing, since they apparently don’t have the self-restraint to be better.

Up until this year, I have only been a Dom. I have had moments when I was interested in switching, but I didn’t have the confidence in others to try it, so this was never an issue. With me as dom, I have the self-control, self-restraint, the discipline of someone with 30 years in the martial arts to never hurt any male, female, nonbinary, or other playmate in any way if they didn’t want me to and exactly how they wanted me to.

Now that I am finally trying to explore my switch side, I have just been slapped in my face. I gotta take more control of the situation since trusting doms to dom the way I do with safety first is literally a life-or-death matter with some of the extreme play I have done.

I haven't been definitively attractive for many years after a sexual assult and feeling horrible about my body I just  needed  to fade away.

This year I have reclaimed confidence in myself. I already lost 60 pounds and dropping more by the day.  I am able to go on amazing jogs hikes and bikes. The composition positions flexibility and power of my body is here again. 

Approaching people in a positive loving manner has been great and ontop of that getting support that i hadn't felt in awhile is huge for what little self esteem I have.

This time I am going to love honor and cherish my body by never giving up on myself again.

Its perfectly natural to wanna be an active exciting fun sexy female on top of all the other hats I wear. I just wish someone would play with me more it's never enough. 

Tonight I am nursing a hand I bruised pretty badly going to the gym. I was working out for over 4 hours and was doing leg lifts and dips in my rotation I feel those had to cause it.

Why I work out so hard?

I was abused as a child: physically, mentally, emotionally  as well as other ways. I never wanted to be weak or attacked. 

I know what it's like to feel anxiety. 

How with our current climate could trans men and women feel safe or valued? (note - I am not trans)

The rate of murder, suicide, homelessness, joblessness, discrimination. We live in a world that as a society is getting more sensitive you have billion dollar comedian's and political leaders getting up on stage and openly mocking the most vulnerable among us blaming them for problems they don't cause and millions of people laughing along with hate filled hearts.

It shouldn't have to hurt to be yourself. 

 It is crazy to think people who wanna live their lives in peace get chased from being able to use a bathroom room safely, or teaching without controversy, or in some areas outright refused treatment, but that's better then in some cases where the attempt for treatment is banned outright or a crime. 

God I wish we lived in a world where I didn't have to be paranoid on behalf of my trans brothers, sisters, and nonbinary.

I will say this no matter what you have an ally with me.

Be strong, your loved, your valued, and we will make the world one day recognize your right to exist. It seems like the dark age never left humanity with the way we are so casually cruel to one another. Yet we have the power to make the world a better place.

Love-

I haven't updated my photos on my profile in abit, let me know which you like best. The winner will survive next time I decide to change it up. 

Also, can you tell if I am wearing panties in the picture with me in the corset? (Look closely) ^_^

All comments welcomed click on me and go to my profile to see them. 

I have talked about being intersex quite a few times in my blogs as a way to vent, and to be frank as I kinda expected I have had idiots talk to me about it almost in a fetish sense which means they see the word but don't read about my particular condition. Here is the best written medical summary I have seen.

People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. 

When an egg is fertilised, the sperm determines the gender of the child, so this is already decided by the time we start growing in the womb. All babies are by default female.

CAIS is an interruption in the growing process when the foetus would ordinarily be changing from the default girl into a boy. What you end up with in CAIS, for all intents and purposes, is a woman.

You wanna know what's different from me and other females? Nothing due to my condition and as I am sure you can see from my pictures I developed a typical female body in every respect.

Even though I am less masculine because of my condition then most females on the planet i get at times harassed. Most women have some and respond to testosterone ever see those women body builders who use T for an extreme example. Well I physically can't respond to T at all this plays out in odd ways even though I am 5'8" i have tiny delicate hands, baby soft skin, with size f 38 breasts. ( It is at times revolting how fem I am)

I literally hate my body... All these people just by me trying to express what I am going through remind me I am othered. Even though I'm a typical female in every way biologically. It just happened through an unsual process. Roughly 1 or 2 in 90,000 have my condition I live in the United States so that's pretty much 10,000 females running around like me with a Y chromosome that didn't function properly.

If people could take the time and think about it all males do have an X chromosome! What do you think would happen if the Y chromosome didn't function? It makes logical sense that my body to exist would get its instructions from the working X chromosome that's the overly simplified but clearly rational way this happened. It could happen to anyone just that I am one of those cases. 

What hurts me more is that when I tell people this just like my family they are somehow disappointed. Like oh your just a biological female boring. This just proves to me how ignorant of intersex most people are the majority of intersex people are cis gendred like me. The fantasy of both sets of genitals can never happens in real life. 

The people who obsessed over intersex bodies literally have a fetish driven by hentai, porn and trans people who don't get all the operations and they are projecting those unfulfilled desires onto intersex people, it pisses me and the majority of us the fuck off.

I literally never one day in my life got a choice to be anything but a biological female. Hell there was a time my family due to insane XY equals male bullshit tried to have doctors give me treatments to masculinize me without my consent or understanding but my body was unable to change and you know what happened after that they were disappointed in their daughter for not being a man.

Many females have to live in the shadow of a prefered male sibling or have a sister who was favored. You know who I was never good enough to measure up to?

Myself!

My entier damn life interacting with my mother I was always worse then alternative universe me who wasn't female. I wasn't: Smart enough, strong enough, caring enough, talented enough, I never could measure up to a person I never could be. I was in her own words this disappointing underachieving weak emotional female who couldn't achieve half of what I could have if I had been male.

Quite an enjoyable life where you feel blighted for existing. The unwanted mistake. I plan one day to write an autobiography and i always had the idea of the tagline the child not even a mother could love of have it somewhere because she would say that to me often. 

Maybe the specifics of what I been through are unique but the feelings are universal. I am a female that suffered alot of inhumane treatment for no other reason then ignorance.

I speak out about being intersex not because its fun or I enjoy it quite to the contrary Its painful. I often end up in tears I am crying right now as I type this. But how can anything ever get better if no one speaks out? So few intersex people want to talk about there conditions because they are used to painful blow back.

In a bizarre way I am in a privileged position I am biologically a Female with no health issues as a result of my condition thus its less sensitive to me then some intersex conditions that have more issues associated with it.

My problem has been emotionally how other people and there treatment of me has made me feel for being a female. Its like even though I'm a woman I am often treated like Im some cheep imitation or even worse in the case of my family as i mentioned earlier that I'm some mutated freak that I should have been male.

Wrong in so many cases I am exactly how i was meant to be. I was born female am female bodied and for the most part have a female gender identity. Being othered so much in my life sometimes makes me hate my existence many intersex people because of this treatment believe we make up a third sex. If you wanna read about it here is a link on the topic

In my country New York state ( where I was born) was one of the first to offer amended birth certificates for intersex people who want a third sex designation and many intersex advocates were pushing for me to have it amended as some of the first wave in the country.

I refused I don't feel like a third sex I feel like idiotic people who refuse to listen learn and understand make me fucking sick of repeating myself that I'm a typical female it gets on my nerves but it doesn't change the fact that I'm female bodied.

Does it make people feel good to pick on someone with a unique health condition that for what its worth I don't believe should be a health condition at all. I have had Doctors apologize to me for being female like what in the fuck is my life.

Why is being someone at female at birth with a female gender and sex something they feel the need to apologize to me about? Other women be frank here how the fuck would you like it if randomly at times you'd meet a new doctor they would look at your charts and say "oh wow ? sorry. I mean there was nothing that could be done."  I am fucking coming in for a broken writs and your busy talking this bullshit. 

Rant concluded. 

I only learned of the term Demisexuality a few years ago and it describes me perfectly. Demisexual was added to the Oxford English dictionary this year. The term is defined as: Noting or relating to a person who is sexually attracted only to people with whom they already have an emotional bond.

I never understood why or how people would fall in love with or be attracted to models or movie stars, even watching things like porn did nothing for me I mean If I don't know the persons hope dreams fears personality why or how could anyone even possibly love that person or want to be with them. To me there is no such thing as skin deep attraction.

Some try to argue that demisexuals don't exist (laugh) think critically about our hook up culture I can't imagine ever using grinder tinder or any other app that claims to set me up with someone. Anyone who has ever tried to pick me up before they even know the content of my unfulfilled desires and what I feel my life is working towards to me is uninteresting and a hard no! 

The overt sexualizing of everything in society also makes me uncomfortable at times, people say sex often sells to me its just gross. Take a toothpaste or deodorant ad what is it a soft-core porn about how if you use said product you will have men or women all over you. I mean who would even want that? I would never want random scumbags who don't view me as a human being near me oh because of my bright smile people who open with commenting on my looks my response is usually -- that's nice go f yourself dipshit.

Demisexuals aren't trying to put other people down or judge you for doing your thing. We want to be given a space to exist I mean it sucks when we do develop a crush on a friend since that is how it mostly happens, for me one friend took almost 15 years for me to find them attractive.

It is difficult to address this with people since it isn't talked about enough and many people tend to wanna shoot there shot right away clearly with the view it is better to swing and miss to then go onto the next person as if relationships were just a numbers game. I just wish it was normal that getting laid or sex didn't matter, that people could wanna make strong loving bonds in general and if some of them evolve into sexuality that would be a natural progression between people who loved eachother.

I know some demisexuals can play the game of relationships not because they want to but because of needing to feel loved and have sexual expression once in awhile. I just am too damn aware of my feelings, the act of being flirty or receptive before I feel it to me is a no go. I also hate it when someone says thank you when I give a complement why be thankful for an honest assessment of something about you? They should recognize for me it is just truth telling and such a thing does not deserve gratitude.

One benefit to dating a demisexual is we don't love half way. For a demisexual like myself the more we discover about someone the more we often wanna be there. Sure if your a creeper we'd never be interested in the first place, but if your a decent person let us in and then you can prepare for unconditional love.   

I decided to say fuck it I am going to stop policing myself and start being myself. The goal was to get to know my unfiltered self better and hopefully gain the strength and confidence of who I really am.

I ended up losing over 60 pounds because of a focus on physical health with a goal of getting back in shape to be a competitive martial artist. That was an easy priority since I love martial arts been doing it since 7.

Then I had rejoined a BDSM club because I am kinky my life has been intense as shit thus for me if it ain't deep bordering on too much why bother? 

While going to the clube made a few friends and am learning new skills such as knife play, rope play, cupping, and fire doming. It was a harsh reality for me when I had only said in theory before I was a switch because some of my fantasies had me bottoming to having someone tie me up suspend me in rope and I went catatonic temporarily my first time up.

I now am a fully committed rope bunny. Funny side note for an upcoming Disney night I am actually gonna dress up as the rabbit judy hopps ( a little on the nose? )

Also I have developed a near obsession with dragging sharp blades across my body. When I was younger I used to be a cutter like many goth emo females. Knife play gives me a similar reliable release of feeling alive without all the blood.

Taking a blade pressing it to your flesh and feeling it makr a fine cut or scraping a layer of skin off while feeling your muscles move underneath is just fuckin so sweet. Writing about it makes me wanna start dragging blades across me --Yummies! 

One person while he was using a large sword on me had daggers at my throat so I had to stay still or get tiny pricks that constricted me in ways that I been practically pleeding with him to do again! He says it's part of a larger scene but we have yet to have the time -- sigh he likes to say always leave em wanting more. But feed my desire dude what do I gotta do get down on my knees and beg arg! How should I feel when I been anticipating something for weeks yet haven't felt completion! 

When you have daggers at your throat the forced control of all your muscles, the inability to gasp laugh or even talk much, was the most intense bondage I have faced. Yet it was all self imposed at any time i coulda stopped but who the fuck would ever want to when it feels so great? 

Another friend was wax playing and scraped if off with a live straight razor at my request -- he normally used a dull one but fuck that I need the luster of a live blade.

Is knife play edge play I guess? but to be taken to the edge of what my body can stand gets me to feel the most alive, in a world where I'm often so bored I feel everyday life makes me a tired zombie.

What's real life? Waiting on hold with a company for 30 minutes to get them to take your call, standing in line at the grocery store for 10 minutes to buy cereal, or maybe a self checkout, or how about going to work having to sit in bumper to bumper traffic for damn near a half an hour.

Yeah everyday life is total shit, people who enjoy the daily grind can keep there smug smiles to themselves they are insipid drones who's spirit been grinded to dust and they can just shut the fuck up with their attitude. 

Now these changes in me have all been positive. However a new issue has arrived on the scene of my life and it has been confusing as hell. I have been as open as any human can be that I have a rare intersex condition that made my biology develop female. As I have talked about this I have had people on this and other forms ask if I am male or had male parts which is so unbelievably stupid look up complete androgen insensitivity syndrome and read for five seconds since apparently me talking about it doesn't get peoples attention furthermore I also have persistent mullerian ducts. 

The end result is I not only am a perfectly healthy female I literally couldn't transition or respond to gender treatment If I wanted. My body ignores Testosterone and since T naturally breaks down into estrogen, if someone was to perscibe testosterone for me it would simply raise the level of estrogen in my blood stream.

Yet due to the way I was treated growing up like an abnormal freak even though my body responded as it should was traumatic. Those memories still play out in me now as I have grown to be more intune with myself I have realized like most women I want and think about sex several times and day.

This admitted desire for sexual contact is something I never addressed before due to my own discomfort with my body. I am not sure how to respond. My own goal is asking for a huge change.

I didn't account for the delirium of a full admission and acceptance of my body and its desires. I had hoped by giving into BDSM pleasures and just being more social would address some of what I desire and make me happier.

My body is not amused, it doesn't want excuses. I feel tired of my own thoughts getting in the way of what I want. 

 This conflict is now at the center at a battle for my very soul. I am not really comfortable being intimate with people yet my savage sexuality doesn't give a shit. I have repressed myself for so long my body is making me unbelievably frustrated to the point of tears at times. I had no idea I had this kind of sexual potential inside me. I have been celibate for nearly 7 years and sex had never seemed to be a big priority to me before, but my body is tired of my bullshit and feeling sexual agaony is real. 

I scream into the void-- "Why has my life led me to such a fucked up place!"