Ice Girl's public thoughts.

My flavor of demisexual ?

I don't think demisexuals get enough conversation in the scene or media.

As a demisexual I sometimes find it really hard to relate to people with more typical sexual behaviors.

Finding an actor or some random person who you don't personally know but passed by attractive is so foreign to me I genuinely wonder if people are joking when they say someone turns them on since I physically don't have that at all.

I have told my current girlfriend that it was 8 years between her and the previous time I even had sex because it just wasn't something that crossed my mind.

I used to think I was asexual because of how little I think of sex or am interested in sex. One time my girlfriend asked to see me masturbate thinking it would help if I was more comfortable with having orgasms I tried to explain that isn't an issue at all I just don't find myself attractive and without an emotional moment there is no sparks.

After 2 hours of attempting and getting no where she told me how sad she felt for me and how kinda adorabley pathetic it is.

Since then she tried to get me to read erotica or watch things to I guess help turn me on and the thing that I found odd was I found furry stuff less off putting then people having sexual interactions but it still didn't make me more inclined towards sex.

To me it is sorta simple I just don't have a high sex drive and even though I have come to find my girlfriend attractive it is usually at its peak when we are having emotional intimacy and then my body feels compelled to be physically interacting in a sexual way.

I have little skills at turning it on or setting the mood for her.

In most situations my standard state is sorta peck on the forehead safe for all audience TV movie love.

I know this frustrates my partner and when I explicitly ask her to put down a list of things she would like to attempt to make her more comfortable. I am aware that isn't the most sexy way to be but I have never claimed to be the best at seducing people.

Infact I would argue I have negative rizz and I am good with that. This isn't some ego defensive behavior it is me telling people sex is low on my list of things that matter to me.

Getting in and through med school
Being a good friend and family member to the people I care about
Always improving at my job or tasks
Learning new skills and ideas
Working on my martial arts

This all comes before sexual intimacy I guess that makes me a poor partner.

For that I apologize.

Cancel HBO MAX ?

HBO MAX has decided to cancel Sesame Street saying that it isn't part of the core strategy.

How could teaching children and kids concepts like basic learning, sharing, friendship, conflict resolution ever not be values a company would want to support.

-- As we’ve launched Max though and based on consumer usage and feedback, we’ve had to prioritize our focus on stories for adults and families, and so new episodes from ‘Sesame Street,’ at this time, are not as core to our strategy.”

A thank you to BPH -

Yesterday, I stopped by to support my girlfriend while she had run into the club for a second.

The amount of you who took the time to wish me well before I go off to medical school really touched my heart.

I only have one biological relative I am even on talking terms with so it means a lot to give me positive feedback.

Being an orphan to a bio mom and dad with drug problems that lost custody I definitely have insecurities around feeling worthless and having no "family."

For all of you who see me as family, or at least a cool queer friend/acquaintance thank you.

Having people wishing me the absolute best truly warms my heart.

I am coming to terms that I might only get to be on an ambulance 3 more times as a provider. I have saved many people and helped countless. While in the last year getting FTO status I got the opportunity to train dozens of people to get there license ? and become EMTs.

Today I got to drive advanced life service critical care! ( Might be the last time I get to drive lights and sirens ?)

I am fairly certain I am going to specialize in emergency medicine at least initially. I can't give up the adrenaline rush and hopefully as someone calling shots in an ER or critical care I can continue making an impact and saving people.

I genuinely couldn't do it without all of you.

Everyone has contradictions and as much pride I have in my intellect and accomplishments I often feel worthless infact I try so hard to fill the void of needed affirmation.

When you all have congratulated me in person and I said will see when I get though. It wasn't me trying to be a jerk I just feel in many ways until I pass med school and get my doctorate the work is not done.

What's funny is even once I am done I will still be mad at myself for not being better.

My sign language is rusty, I really should learn Spanish so I can better serve the next largest segment of our population better. #longtermgoals

I have a mantra I heard once and live by - Good Better Best, Never let it Rest, Till Your Good is Better, and Your Better is Best!

I want to be the best at anything I do and I thank you for being part of why I enjoy being alive since in my eyes I suck.

?

I am genuinely depressed ?

I am late on taking my hormones so I have a horrible migraine which is a crap way to start.

Then you add in the fact I crunched all the numbers and when you add school plus cost of living medical school is about to force me to take loans around 140,000-160,000 thousand.

On top of which in three weeks now I have to move and I don't even feel like packing.

Also I got really upset at my aunt shes the one bio relative I am still on speaking terms with. She was really sick reported a fever of 104 but because she was afraid of the expensive nature of hospitals went to a minute clinic where all they did was give her prescription strength Ibuprofen!

They didn't address the root cause of her fever or properly diagnose her and it outrages me.

I can't treat everyone on earth once I get my medical license but when the people I love are getting shit care it will hit extra deep.

If only I did things a tad faster I could have treated my aunt and she would have better care. I don't know some days just get to me.

At least yesterday I finished my final undergrad test! If I got over a 76 I would get an A in the class under a B yet since I'm already accepted to medical school it didn't even matter.

Kinda anti climatic ? it didn't even matter.

My most appreciated supporter?

They say behind every great man is an even greater woman. Well I am not a man and I must say my girlfriend has been invaluable if not a bit much at times.

As I have been getting my aid sorted, finding housing, getting registered for classes and conducting it all while my last undergrad final is happening tomorrow and my car is in the shop.

She's been supportive everyday. Heck just today I was unsure if I was in the right screen over my financial aide so she face timed me to look over trouble shoot and confirm with me that I need to call financial aid tomorrow to sort out why the school hasn't pulled my info yet.

I have also been moody anxious and short tempered my entire life is getting filled with upheaval and my classes start on January 6th

Which includes already right from the jump my anatomy lab where I am going to have to dissect and put back together cadavers. They don't waste a second of time before having intense work.

So the pressure of the moment has me a bit edgy. I know when it starts things will clarify but until that day there's a whirlwind of uncertainty.

I wanted to publicly say I appreciate her and in the chaos of the current she has been at least someone trying to help.

Most people say great work or congrats but have they put themselves out one bit knowing fully well I gotta pack move and get everything sorted in under 4 weeks and when you toss in the holidays that's actually only 3 weeks of actual time.

Nope only really her and the person I live with.

Some people might say well why don't you ask for help. At the moment I don't even know what the heck I need other than a vacation ?

In short Tavi is an amazing person and I will miss sharing a residence with her.

Even worse where I found to rent doesn't even allow visitors ugh ? but it's a 6 minute walk to campus and with the lease I can petition for a parking permit with the city and park pretty much for free.

Trade-offs but it is sad knowing I will be relatively alone when it starts off.

Probably find the local scene a bit, join or start up a board game club at the college and also take a leadership position in my graduate class within the grad school.

Also one of the reasons that I even applied to this school they do lots of education for the community events and provide free health check ups and initial exams.

I know as a med student it is a way to "practice under supervision" so there is a benefit but I will enjoy and really push to do as many events as possible.

I don't believe healthcare should be gate kept so anytime they can use a trainee to assist I'm gonna be willing to jump in.

At this level the difference between an A and B is meaningless I wanna touch people's lives so anytime I get the chance to do that I will. I also think as much practical experience I can get will help me be a better provider from the jump.

I'm tired my final undergrad final is happening in 16 hours woah ? the end of an era.

?

I'm So Humble ??

Someone recently presented a counter to my pride in my accomplishments pointing out that maybe I could stand to be a tad more humble.

Yet, I am truly so humble!

I am the product of a rape to a a single junkie mom raised in section 8 houseing orphaned by the age of 16 homeless pennyless no family and if that didn't top it off throw in a Intersex disorder that nearly killed me if you meet me as a teenager as many did you'd expect I'd end up dead.

In-fact my guidance councilors used to tell me to be realistic in my goals that for me simply not being a drug addict was already a success.

One of the few people I thought believed in me an advisor at the highschool who got involved when I lacked family ended up telling me that the best thing I could do as a woman would be to find someone who could put up with me and willing to support me and ride him for all he's worth.

That's been the lack of faith and support I have endured so long. Yet this is ever more to me proof of the duality in this world when it comes to how women are treated.

A few of my accomplishments already -
Published poet, award winning poet, award winning artist, 4 degrees, worked in a research laboratory on addiction, presented undergraduate research on politic corruption in the wake of citizen united, Junior chess champion for my state, played in Carnegie Hall and Lincoln center offered scholarships to conservatory, a professional gamer for hearthstone winning national and international competitions ranked best female player on earth, ranked in the top 300 for magic the gathering and I can go on and on about things I have done.

But at the end of the day people still had some variation of well what does it mean your still a student or you might of had fun but no one cares how many degrees or games your good at your a poor nobody.

Finally I am gonna go to medical school get a doctorate be an administator / clinicianfor a hospital or clinic some day where I will easily clear 150,000 a year plus that's not including writing my life story and whatever sales and residuals so I might be worthless now but it's only a matter of time before I never have to worry about money again.

America loves to believe that someone can come from nothing and make it and for all the bullshit and how hard it is I am gonna be someone who did it. I beat the odds and it was never promised to me.

I suffered so much to get to my good fortune. I had nights where I didn't know where I was gonna eat or sleep because I was so poor and had no one who gave a damn and in not to many days I will have a surgical rotation in a hospital.

So if people think I'm not humble this is a them issue. I am just proud as fuck that no one gave a damn or believed and I made it. Whatever I have set my mind to I have achieved and I ain't gonna stop anytime soon.

"It's not a competition, but I'm winning."

You know what my mother told me when I broke the news to her? That's great but what does that gotta do with me?

And then she went on to bad mouth how the person I am currently dating isn't of the Catholic faith and changed me to be selfish as are the people of her faith.

Apparently getting tired of being endlessly generous to a parasite ? and merely asking her to get therapy to work on her personality flaws is me changing for the worse.

Made her not even want to talk to me anymore which is good the feeling is mutual. So if you wonder why maybe I stand tall and have a sense of self worth confidence and pride because I got here all the while people kept trying to keep me down.

I got lucky anyone who gets a break has some luck but my optimistic commitment to work my ass off everyday while also being a genuine genius didn't hurt.

Anyone who wants to hate on it good. I hope I live rent free in your head and as I continue to kill it you never get the satisfaction of watching me go down.

"I've got it all and I'm gettin' more
But I never fall, beat 'em all
'Cause you know I'm so humble
I say that with no ego"

"Nobody, nobody been acting like nobody
But I don't wanna be nobody
It takes smart choices and dumb luck
That's why there's billionaire dumbfucks
Geniuses driving dump trucks
Suckers with Lexuses
Experts who won't make one buck
I've seen dreams die fast and wither slow
I've also seen 'em blooming where
They're not supposed to grow
And I've seen the ones I've planted and
Watched 'em blossom in the snow
Ask me if I'm dank?
(Are you dank?) Preposterously so"

I always will be the one an only me.

I was forced to go to med school ?

People who have congratulated me for getting into medical school. I want to share how for me this is actually bittersweet.

I am not doing this because it is my personal love but I think needed for the queer community especially those most at risk trans and Intersex people.

When I was younger I was selected into a special program for performing arts in my highschool called PAVE. It was an arts highschool within the highschool you could opt into if you had the talent and passed an audition.

I would go to class early everyday before the school opened, stay late and train in the arts along with my other studies. I placed as one of the best bass youth players in NYSSMA.

The New York State School Music Association (NYSSMA) it held competitions for state orchestra n such.

I ended up playing Bass in Carnegie Hall Lincoln center and other venues in my teens.

Performed along side by side with peers going to juliard in fact one of the reasons I was so good is one of my friends became a pro musician with multiple albums currently.

He would often help me with my technique since we were in the same program and if I could learn the complicated Bass parts he could play piano which he preferred. So it was a win win. (Miss you drew.)

Even though I was offered spots in musical conservatory after highschool health issues related to my Intersex condition made it so I wasn't well and couldn't continue with my education at the time.

Then it happened I fell down the stairs and thought I broke my wrist went to the ER for treatment and thinking nothing of it I mentioned I am Intersex when filling out the initial paperwork.

I had multiple doctors inspect my vagina and tell me it's fine and they completely overlooked my wrist when I was begging them to help me since my wrist was in excruciating pain.

It is this and other issues that has caused me to have massive issues with pelvic exams to this day. Infact I have refused to do them for almost 4 years now or see a gynecologist at all. The trauma has made me uncomfortable with medical professionals around my private bits.

People especially other people with traditionally female bits have been trying to talk sense into me on this yet I have maintained that I honestly don't care if an unknown tumor or other issue develops and kills me - so be it. (Medical phobia is real especially from people abused by doctors)

I never felt so violated then that day in my life since I had trusted medical professionals until that moment.

I swore I would never be in that situation again and felt the only way I could protect myself was by being a medical professional so I could talk to them as a peer and direct my care to a degree.

So my original dreams, joys, natural talent, and interest got overwhelmed by me deciding that I had to take my intellect and force it to become an advanced healthcare provider.

My goal is to treat LGBTIQ+ people appropriately especially trans and Intersex people that have special needs and sensitivities and advocate for things to change by talking about how the system let me down and make recommendations on how it can improve.

This desire only got heightened when many of my trans and intersex friends shared there horror stories over the years at the hand of idiotic medical personnel.

But soon oh so soon I can be a licensed provider that will protect vulnerable people like me.

This whole thing is the result of an injustice done to me. A pivotal moment that just pissed me off enough to do something the Hell about it.

I can't wait till my schooling is over and I can find the time to go back to playing music for fun I miss having a performance bass.

The manufacturer I had make mine was upton bass in CT and they still have models going for only about 12,000. Maybe one day I will get to perform again. ??‍?

Bassist for life!

It's official I just got into Medical School.

I got into a Medical Schools Physician Assistant program one of the top in the country.

I have been working towards this for awhile and I did it my way without ever compromising.

I am fortunate for everyone who believed in me and supported me over the years.

No time to celebrate ? finals week!

Best,
Ice

Trouble getting back to sleep ?

Something on my mind. These numbers were from the recent report from the Trevor project regarding Intersex polling.

Forty-three percent of intersex LGBTQ+ young people who were subjected to conversion therapy reported attempting suicide in the past year.

Over half (55%) of intersex LGBTQ+ young people reported seriously considering suicide in the past year.

If people wonder why I tallk so much about mental health and wellness and try to raise awareness about Intersex conditions it is this situation I am concerned with.

I have personally known so many trans and Intersex people kill themselves or be harmed by bigots that it weighs heavy upon me.

One of my Best friends killed themselves in the very room I am typing this I invited them to live with me while they were going through stuff hoping that I could make the difference in there life and turn things around for them.

With the political climate as it is in the US and much of Europe getting even more anti trans and Intersex this is a quite scary time because I fear that we shall see even more death.

They typically rate of suicide is around 14 per 100,000. The fact that for trans and Intersex people it is so high happens to be one of the Greatest healthcare disparities in existence.

Yet it isn't being addressed and these communities are under even more political pressure and lack of access to healthcare or in some cases it is out right criminalized.

Please let the Intersex and trans people in your life know you want them to live. I am tried of seeing our loved ones die due to the bleak world that has crushed them.

Try to make a difference.

My girlfriend showed her inner sadistic nature.

Her child nephew wanted to play his new monopoly game for the holidays and he was so cute about.

She tried to swindle him out of his money with bad trades and I had to beg him to reason.

He eventually got tired of the nonsense and went to bed but that was when the real pain began.

She didn't even want to play so I thought it would be over however she had other plans.

Brought up the rule book on her lap top and then started to make us bid on his property dollar by dollar for nearly an hour.

I offered the draw since the reason we were playing a game neither of us liked was for the child.

But no she wanted to vring the pain for emotionally draining her in the first place by encouraging a game if monopoly.

Then it began as she slowly but surely just kept egging me on and I was in tears asking her if she loved me she would ket me out of this purgatory.

She said it's fine if you quit and ket me win but my obsession with winning and the fact we were in near even positions so she wasn't even that ahead I couldn't quit.

I mean she was probably favored but it is monopoly one bad roll she could lose and i had the green monopoly and the trains she had the red and purple so it wasn't a lost cause.

But we both hate Monopoly and I am tired I drove hours today to vist her and her family not to be a monopoly hostage.
Finally when i was in tears she pulled me close and even touched me inappropriately hy her sleeping mom and asked me if like monopoly now.

As I am writing she wanted to make sure I posted how she was licking my tears and told me it was her favorite part of the day.

She told me the only way it stops is if I say the safe word.

I have told everyone who played with my personal safe word is Zamboni I honestly can't remember the last time I have used it usually it's for others.

I mean I had someone almost hospitaliz me when they effed up with fire and I was whatever.

But this I couldn't do it for hours and hours monopoly has no end gate it could have been all night long and we both hate it so to offer us salvation I was willing to say the safe word and collapse in her arms crying.

Now we are in bed you could say why wouldn't I take the L in monopoly and just leave before it got this bad but I couldn't do it my odd to win were still to high to quit and I hate quitting when I have a winning position.

She keeps telling me I have signs of autism I don't know about that but this clearly obsessive compulsive tendencies.

I am exhausted I need to sleep she crushed me for real.