Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Except for Emergency Medical Professionals

In John Oliver's segment on air traffic control a former controller said this about her job. People can't understand expect for emergency medical professionals -

Air traffic control as a Job is
95% Boring and routine
3% Exciting and routine
1% Exciting and ok this is not routine
And
1% Holy Fuck

I wanted to have this on my blog because I agree that's what being in emergency medicine is like! 💯

I will share one holy fuck moment right now!

I had this call for a roughly 500 pound person going down two flights of stairs there is only two ways to accommodate (Espically since it was a narrow area)

Put them on a variant of a sled 🛷 which we strap them to allows them to slide down the stairs and we move them after to the stretcher.

Or we use a power chair that has fold out treadmills that grip like a tank which hold the steps but the unit needs to be guided slowly as the motor and treadmill crawls along the steps.

My company has a power chair so we decided to use that. I agreed to be one of the two EMTs to guide the bottom while the other two others were at the top.

At one point the person Manning the controller at top slipped and not only let go but as he slipped kicked the chair a little and it started to tumble forward.

What would of happened if I acted like my partner who literally truned to run is we wouldn't get away fast enough and the 500 pound woman plus this nearly 150 pound hydrolic stair tank would have fallen on us anyway and we would probably be involved in a mangled crush injury lord knows what condition we'd be in.

So in a split second without regards for my safety I threw myself into the chair to knock it back from tipping forward and braced it with all my might as my foot was being slid and I was slowly falling down the stairs with the chair and women now more in a slide but my body was in the way of the stair chair pushing it back onto the steps. Yet there was already so much momentum it was like skating me of the steps all the way down the stairs.

I let out a cry for help to please catch the damn top of the chair I was panicking that if it gets to the bottom without anymore steps to slide off of I'd be crushed.

I was at the bottom step holding her as the full weight of a combined 600+ pounds was driving me into the landing.

My adrenaline held it long enough for the operator to regain control of the top get the motor to grab the steps and finally fully control the decent.

That moment which happened way faster than you did reading it could have easily been my death.

That was just one of the oh shit moments I had in the roughly 5 years of being an EMT.

Did I ever tell the patient how close we came to massive injury 🩸 of course not -didn't wanna have her live with the psychological distress bad enough she was already extremely ill.

Since then I do recommend my complicated patients with either unusual body types or high medical need to maybe consider housing that doesn't require so many steps for there own safety.

Thank you for taking the time to read one of my Holy Fuck moments.

They are the ones that live with me and I do so genuinely love having had the opportunity to assist people in there time of need. 🚑

Embarrassing confession ☃️

When I get sick I get so horny it is one if the only times I naturally feel such an urge with out everything being "perfect".

I could barely sleep last night because for the last few days I had an infection in my ear and well my ear was feeling wet and around 4 am I decided to put a q tip in just a little and it came out dripping with blood.

Turns out when I went to the urgent care I had such a massive ear infection that it has caused such swelling it actually strained my skin to the point of rupture.

Due to this I had also a very upset stomach today with the constant but slight trickle of pus and blood in the back of my throat dripping from my ear.

I was given some antibiotic drops they aren't worried that I need to be hospitalized but I am supposed to rest stay hydrated and take 4 of these drops every 6 hours for the next 5-7 days without fail. To kill the infection and keep the wound safe.

So all day today I been pestering my often more into sex than me girlfriend to have sex with me. Not in a rude way I respect consent but sorta like hey you know what would make me feel better?

Or you know when I'm sick I get naturally horny wanna you know have some fun.

She's been very practical no sleep drink take your meds rest and all that prudish logical conclusion.

It's not abnormal look it up many people get horny when they are sick. So what if I have a fever and my breath smells like blood because it's dripping down my throat making me wanna vomit.

Sure I feel like shit I have a very bad infection thats gonna take a few days to clear but I really want affection now snuggles and sex is that really so bad.

Food water vitamins the medication rest sure that might logically be more important but I never cared that much or I would have been seen by a doctor already.

I waited till it was unavoidable I had to go to the doctor and now I wanna make love and my girlfriend is all like rest and take it easy.

Sure have I been sleeping all day yeah I barely have the energy to sit up and write this post. When I got back from the clinic I passed out for almost six hours and when I got up now i barely have the energy to sit up and watch TV but I'd still be inclined to have sex with my girlfriend I'd find the energy somehow!

There are articles on this written I am not the only person who gets this way when they are sick.

The theory is it's a combination of orgasms feel good so we want them to forget the pain troubles, additionally there is a correlation between orgasms and a spike in immune responses and finally when people are sick they are often bored and there mind wonders.

Also for me I will personally add - wacky as I tend to be there are times I am more restraint in my opinions but when I'm sick do I really have the energy to overthink my feelings.

So here I am had to call out of work, fever, bleeding from the ear, constantly smelling blood and infection and my own girlfriend doesn't want me. Who wouldn't feel like crap. Hell chewing hurts as well because the swelling by my ear is close enough to the jaw.

Random thoughts?

Also why do doctors when they do an examination ask if touching somewhere hurts when you already told them the area effing hurts?

She touched exactly where I told her my ear was hurting and on pressing I cried out in a shreak as blood starts oozing out my ear landing on my shirt and then she chastises me for not coming in sooner.

Well maybe if it wasn't always such a miserable experience? I knew it was an ear infection I was just hoping it would go away if I ignored it 😭

Now I'm literally a bloody mess. Ugh

The tale of Phyllis and Aristotle

I was reading about the birth of BDSM.

The tale of Phyllis and Aristotle is one of the first well documented poems and songs about the idea of women dominatrix overcoming male brilliance with themes of subjugation, humiliation, horseplay and power exchange.

Although there is no evidence that this was based on any true accounts of Aristotle it does show by 1220 AD/CE it was well established in discourse that BDSM proclivities are desirable (yet dangerous) and engaged in by people of all social standing.

It is a disappointment that the idea of intense passion sensuality and exploration is looked down on in society due to mostly religious subjugation.

Some faiths actually encourage sex as a way to better connect with oneself a lover and god. This is most pronounced in some Hindu mythology and Jewish mysticism.

I am about to watch some anime before bed would a rather be nibbling someones throat and gently caressing there body sure why not makes it more fun.

My oral fixation will have to deal with a slight biting of my own lip with gentle sucking.

No sensory input one can ask are we even existing? - My ADHD would argue too little stimulus is a fate worse than death ☠️

My thoughts On Tattoos for Myself.

TLDR I only want ones that mean something such as a matching one if I get married or for some huge event in my life.

Maui in Moana kinda said it best "they show up when I earn them."

Even though I have had plenty of what other people might think are remarkable moments I didn't have one yet that made me feel it should adorne my flesh.

So still a blank canvas at the moment maybe one day I will achieve one of the life events that I feel warrent a tattoo but until I trigget such an event tattoos will have to be something I leave for everyone else to do.

I support everyone who has decided to kake there body a canvas. ❤️ Keep exploring and expressing yourself.

Sex can be anything intimate ❗

I used to have narrow view that sex is a variant on intercourse. That's what most people are told or learn. But I have been expanding my views.

The book the
Ethical Slut 3rd Edition there is this passage.

sex writers and educators, we’ve found that the more we learn about sex, the less we know about how to define it, so now we just say the truth as we know it: sex is part of everything.

Right now, we’re writing about sex, and you’re reading what we have to say about it. You’re having sex with us! Was it good for you? It sure has been for us.

More pragmatically, we have had long, intense intimate conversations that felt deeply sexual to us. And we have had intercourse that didn’t feel terribly sexual. Our best definition is that sex is whatever the people engaging in it think it is. For some people, spanking is sex. For others, wearing a garter belt and stockings is sex. If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice cream sundaes together, that’s sex—for you.

---+++
I feel it's important to have a healthy relationship with human sexuality and find empathy when we encounter ideas that might be counter to our own.

In this case I agree there can be more chemistry in a conversation than a physical encounter.

It is unavoidable to accept that what was prescribed for us is false and we need to be empowered in our agency to chart a path to our happiness.

I always try to be a Knight ⚔️

If you read my writing you can tell one of the aspects I think is of most importance is total honesty.

Sure does my perspective have elements of embellishment or emotional weight but capturing a feeling as if for a fleeing moment sometimes does magnify the occurrence.

Do emotions not enhance ones experiences sometimes I feel as if people never told a story or wrote in a journal before.

I try to always live by my code it includye: honestly, loyalty, forgiveness, charity, resolve, kindness, humor and a desire to serve the ones I love.

But the flip is that when someone makes it clear they mean me, or my loved ones harm, then I must take up arms even if I'd rather walk away.

I don't understand why people would choose to bicker with me I do not seek out conflicts but I am not afraid when they do arise.

Do people really think someone who's witnessed as much intensity as me could be triggered by some weak insults or assaults on my character.

It is because of how strong I am I do not hide even my flaws. It is the flaws that are just as much a part of me as any virtue which make me so strong.

Through struggle we grow far faster than an easy road of little resistance.

The difference between me and those who judge me is I lack the cowardice many have from putting there soul on display.

It is in the fires of their hate that I merely become a more tempered blade and zeal is reinforced.

To all the haters, I live rent free in your lackadaisical head but know I sleep soundly.

Being ethical intelligent and hardworking is trash 😭

Today my EMS job has been having me set up a new office between me my direct manager of specialty transport care and one of the top paramedics in the company.

We're moving boxes of controlled substances, expensive medical equipment such as a heart ballon pump which by the way costs over 250,000 dollars multiple new ambulances to then be fully stocked and certified for service.

And I literally feel like this is punishment for being not only a good competent employee but ethical intelligent and hardworking.

Sure is it easy to set up a new base of operations of course not. If even one ambulance is improperly stocked or expensive equipment damaged it could have huge negative consequences for the company.

But I have ADHD I don't wanna sit around waiting for people to stock ambulances that I then have to ferry to the new office and catalog as I unload and help manage there filing.

I got into EMS to save effing lives to drive lights and sirens while someone is dying in the back. To be a hero like on TV or the movies.

Yet even though I chose a private company that has accounts with 911 and the federal government with critical care credentials because of my qualifications and attention to detail while other people are taking the dynamic calls today here I am helping set up a new base of operations with head management instead of saving lives.

I don't care about how long term this will make our response times faster to different parts of the state or save us money overall because of the hospitals and regions we can then better service or that they only have so many people they trust with such a critical task.

I love the thrill the rush of the job the moments when I feel directly that I am doing something incredible for someone.

This middle management bullshit isn't for me and every time I hear a call go out over the radio for something exciting a part of me is dying inside.

It could have been me going to that stemi just now!

It should be me if I wasn't more valuable as a middle management tool. Doing boring and dull paperwork and stocking support staff tasks I might be on a truck saving people.

Fuck being middle management I wish they would demote me take my FTO and license to teach credentials if that's what it takes. Just let me have the rush of emergency calls for a little bit today.

I need that hit 💉of pure dopamine and adrenaline.

Enjoying Rurouin Kenshin Remake

Didn't think I would enjoy a remake this much but Kenshin is a property I love and has one of the few characters that I identify with. Seta Sōjirō.

For those who have read some of my posts you are aware I faced abuse and elements of crisis in my life to get where I am today.

Seta parents couldn't take care of him (same) custody given to abusive relatives (same) tried to please abusive relatives who never cared (same) decides to get strong and go off on there own ( I was a legal (independent minor / emancipated) as a teenager.

A core difference is Seta decided to follow an assassin and believed since he was bullied and uncared-for that he need not be concerned with regards to others.

I took the separate lesson - I saw how harsh cruel and unforgiving the world can be feeling deeply lonely and decided to try and use my efforts to make things better for others.

Seta eventually confronts Kenshin and although he is more gifted and could kill Kenshin in combat kenshin offers him compassion and apologizes for the pain and suffering seta faced.

Kenshin hopes openly before his death that one day like him seta could learn that it is only by bringing peace and love to others seta will ever have peace in his heart.

Seta has a nervous breakdown from the noble yet astute criticism. Seta is unable to kill kenshin and vows to make amends for serving as an assassin and being a bully to the weak something he hates.

Although this storyline hasn't happened in the remake I am so excited to see how they tackle it.

Since I already enjoy how the remake has remixed the past stories.

Examples of things I think the remake does better!

The remake has a more clear plot with less filler and dragging moments.

Even though the remake have some of the comedic moments from kenshin 1 they never play Kenshin for a total fool as the first did at times.

Kenshin is like a bear performing in the circus who at times has to maul someone that is a threat. In the first anime sometimes in the manga Kenshin seems almost like a split personality.

Meanwhile in the remake they make it clear even when Kenshin is joking around or chill he is still Kenshin! People still respect Kenshin they are just comfortable enough to know he isn't a threat to good people. (Love that shift)

The animation budget must we way up because the fluidity and extended fights at times make the old ones look like amateur hour.

I personally perfer this soundtrack/ score I find the elements better reflect the tone of the world and Kenshin.

Overall it is using jazz with a hint of Japanese sensibility.(Note jazz has always been very popular in Japan)

Why does jazz work so well to represent Kenshin? Because he is dynamic and sorta unpredictable keeping people off beat and incredibly fluid. When Kenshin starts getting serious and his musical themes come in it does change the soundscape a reflection and mirror to how Kenshins actions are combating the nature of the world.

With the score being jazzy this sort of assault on the composition taking over and changing time and beat significantly isn't jarring it's just Jazz where a main performer has added there solo contribution and thus the other performers must adapt to maintain the level of the piece. Is the same as all start to bend to Kenshins will in the world.

Overall:
5 out of 5 stars ✨

Who would i recommend Kenshinon Netflix to?

Did you like the first one?
Do you like comedy with elements of drama?
Do you like a character study with growth?
Do you like jazz?
Do you like action anime?
Do you like stories of samurai?
Do you like slow building romance?

Any of the above are reasons to watch‼️

Walking around sexually wounded 😵

The following concept is actually deep.

We see ourselves surrounded by the walking wounded—by people who have been deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds; we believe that sex and intimacy are vital to people’s sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good.

The first time I ever had a sexual fantasy I was around 13 and for some reason still to this day I cannot for the life of me understand why I was Lola Bunny 🐰 having some pretty intense sex with bugs Bunny 🐇.

Now remember at this time I didn't inow I was Intersex and was totally freaking out why in my fantasies was I a female rabbit getting penetrative with perhaps the coolest cartoon character of all time.

I kept trying to rationalize it as well as deny those feelings. Even not that long ago I tried to downplaye if I am a furry?

Meanwhile I met my girlfriend at a pet event at BPH while being a non verbal Pikachu - if I am cosplaying I try to be In character.

One of my odd talents is I am really good at voices the first impression I ever learned and perhaps the best Is Mickey Mouse 🐁 when people ask me to say something out of character I get upset as the performer and have to remind them usually in character that Mickey doesn't behave in such a manner.

I think it's fun to play and get lost in the theater 🎭 of performance. Who doesn't want to have a break from being themselves for even a moment or two if possible?

I don't think I ever publicly admitted this but even though I have had plenty of internal conflict when considering how I should have been male due to my XY chromosomes I never once had a sexual dream of having a penis and using it pentratively in-fact even before I had the cosmetic microphallus removed in most my dreams if I was the one doing the penetration I used a strap on.

It's wild how much my own psych always saw my body as female even before I had processed I was of the typical female sex.

One of the most bizarre behaviors I used to do is not separate sex from chromosmes and up until 28 I used to tell people oh I'm not female I am a male with a really insidious birth defect that made me have a near cis female body. Like I could always have just said yeah I'm an Intersex female. So much more accurate 😳

Having XY chromosomes I "should" have been typically male bodied but my sex isn't and didn't develop male.

In all practicality it is in retrospect the dumbest thing I ever once believed or struggled with.

The argument that helped me from being a stubborn idiot and not just looking at it from a chromosomal aspect was we would never use how someone gets to a destination as a different name.

If the end destination is New York City rather you: fly, take a train, jog, bike, it doesn't change who you are when you arrive.

The fact is during puberty my body turned loose the female sex characteristics periods wider hips breats and clearly more typical female thoughts behaviors and yes even sexual desires.

So let me get this I have the phenotype of a female and nearly identical biology to other cis women but I wanna focus on a Y chromosome that didn't do shit as why I'm a "male" that thought was and is insane.

When people in our culture say things that XY chromosomes make someone male it still makes me sick inside because they are not only saying that to the wind they are invalidating millions of people across the world like myself who are Intersex that have these variants of development.

It is that same bullshit that abused me and made me hate myself and my body for years. It made me hate how I couldn't be male bodied but clearly I'm not valid as a woman I'm some failure disease state. 😭

In my Intersex case it was my body not responding enough to testosterone to physically masculinize and in a void my body was like hey estrogen is pretty freaking sweet so went down the female anatomy line. We shouldn't judge women as less than so why should my female body be any different?

Also what's the harm in liking or feeling comfortable having a female body? My innate naturally developed female body is it somehow grander to argue how I might appear as a female but alas it is a curse upon me since I should have been a dude?

Seems pretty lame to apologize for something I don't want anyway.

As much as I might be a tomboy with a ton of take charge confident energy and able to tap into my masculine side I actually am gald I have my body overall at this point. If people werent so cruel maybe I would have gotten here sooner.

I no longer need to feel wounded or disappointed I'm Intersex sure maybe I will never be as comfortable as a cis woman who never questioned themselves and their body but I sure as heck can enjoy it now.

A simple fantasy might have been the only safe way to allow myself to process being a woman as a teenager but over 20 years later I can readily admit my body and how it developed isn't the problem.

It is the society which made me feel fucked up for being intersex that made me feel like a mistake rather than a human woman.

Trigger warning ⚠️ SA exploration (comments welcome)

Trigger warning I am going to talk about one of my SA events in my life and how I am still dealing with the aftermath over a decade later. Comments are welcome if you have anything to share or wish to talk about it.

Today I got into an argument with a Terf who was defending the argument trans women are men who not only shouldn't be in women's spaces but the fact they had a male body at some point even post ops are triggering to her because she was a victim of SA.

I laid out the case that it absurd because Trans women are women no matter the status of whats in their pants. It has nothing to do with the biology it's the energy psychology and behavior. I pointed out it was cis het men who abused her and by the way it's those same people who not only abuse but outright murder trans individuals disproportionately every year.

I went further that if she had any sorta of even reasonable event of a trans person sexually assaulting a cis het woman I'd never hear the end of it not just from her but the entier right wing propaganda machine across the world that is scapegoating trans people, yet since that hasn't happened these are just imaginary issues when the group that has hurt women the most - cis het men are getting none of this bigoted moral outrage over trans people.

She then said the most outrageous thing that I have the luxury of feeling this way because I wasn't sexually abused. This conversation happened online and it is still on my mind as I am trying to go to bed and I hope by writing about it maybe it will help me sleep.

So around 2010-2011 I went to go visit someone I had been friends with online for years through playing video games.

Without going into every detail he came on to me I resisted forcefully and then he responded with saying why don't we end the night with some tea to talk it out he felt bad for miss reading the signs.

After I drank I started to feel really tried and figured it was a stress dump from us having have so much conflict he offered me his bed to rest abit before I left and before you know I could barely move and he forced me to have sex with him.

I tried to thrash about but I just didn't have enough energy and one quote I remember when I was sorta pleeding while crying he said my tears only made him harder. After that I stopped resisting because I didn't want to give him more satisfaction and lay there in utter disgust.

When he finished he sorta roll over and went to sleep I went to go take a shower because of how filthy I felt.

I still to this day hate myself for not even really considering trying to press charges or do a rape kit but it was also the other side of the country for me and it to me seemed a he said she said sorta thing so how was I going to prove anything.

After I washed I snuck out and got back to the family event I was attending a wedding weekend which is why I was even on the west coast when I live in the east Coast.

First a thing I barely talk about publicly that has always bothered me the warm cum inside actually felt good 🤮

I have read all about how the body has wiring to try to reward procreation clearly people have sex because it feels good.

Well as much as I want to forgive my body for behaving in a natural way to that sorta feeling psychologically it took a toll.

I still resent myself for having that response.

I shortly after become a 100% asexual for 8 years even the thought of sex with women which I had once enjoyed would bring me to tears and make me feel so broken and worthless I'd start cutting.

I lost so many people who were interested and tried to date or love me during that time. I had no choice but to just blow them off for one reason or another because I didn't know how to say the words that someone who drugged and raped me broke that part of me and the PTSD of it is too great for me to have a healthy sexual relationship.

During the pandemic we all had some spare time a couple of years ago I looked him up wondering what he was doing he got a masters degree had an article written about him. He was married with multiple kids acting like a saint. It hurt me all the more what he did has left me with gaping damage yet it wasnt even a bump in the road for him.

This layer is enough for most people to relate to but now is where my life has to make it even more fucked so I can't even relate to cis women who have had similar situations.

I am Intersex I have XY chromosomes but my Y chromosome wasn't able to form properly functional testicles due to lack of responding. Thus I have a default female body.

So when I finally told my own mother about the event years later she stated see if you weren't a mutant none of this woulda happened!

I'm not her daughter a female in her eyes just some freak that my body is to blame and I didn't do the right things to combat it and try to be more manly or whatever.

For a time I hated having a female body so much I went to gender specialist doctors not because I wanted to be more masculine but I wanted to have my vagina removed with a total hysterectomy to be totally sown up so nothing like that could ever happen again.

To have medical professionals tell me that I need trauma therapy and to heal that not only would they not do that because it's totally healthy tissue if I can't start being reasonable maybe I might need intensive therapy.

Why couldn't I not want to have my vagina anymore why did other people at the time get to not only decide what was best for my body but the only solution was get help to overcome being raped and hating having a female body.

With time I am not that enraged at my body currently.

They say time heals all wounds in this case after more than a decade I can say I don't absolutely hate my body anymore.

I have had a girlfriend for three years now and although I have been for awhile trying to convince her maybe we should go absolutely plutonic as a way to sorta avoid two issues one my own body issues I still have to navigate and Two since she is poly and way more active with others there are times she genuinely thinks I am jealous it couldn't be father from the truth I am glad other people are pleasing her in ways that I still have many hang ups and lack the capacity to be a capable lover.

Before that rape I was sexy empowered and yeah even a for a time had multiple girlfriends I was sexual with even had a couple if three ways with my girlfriends.

Since the rape though I have never been the same in-fact I still sometimes cry over the memories just coming back without me having a clue as to what triggered them and wanna avoid all sexual contact.

Even if I wanted to heal and work on my sexual hang-ups I feel I am too far gone.

Who would want this damaged head case.

Thus I absolutely did suffer trauma from sexual abuse. I just am not trying to cover for bigotry since trans people had nothing to do with hurting me sexually.

I'm exhausted after writing all this~
Ice