Ice Girl's public thoughts.

My most appreciated supporter😳

They say behind every great man is an even greater woman. Well I am not a man and I must say my girlfriend has been invaluable if not a bit much at times.

As I have been getting my aid sorted, finding housing, getting registered for classes and conducting it all while my last undergrad final is happening tomorrow and my car is in the shop.

She's been supportive everyday. Heck just today I was unsure if I was in the right screen over my financial aide so she face timed me to look over trouble shoot and confirm with me that I need to call financial aid tomorrow to sort out why the school hasn't pulled my info yet.

I have also been moody anxious and short tempered my entire life is getting filled with upheaval and my classes start on January 6th

Which includes already right from the jump my anatomy lab where I am going to have to dissect and put back together cadavers. They don't waste a second of time before having intense work.

So the pressure of the moment has me a bit edgy. I know when it starts things will clarify but until that day there's a whirlwind of uncertainty.

I wanted to publicly say I appreciate her and in the chaos of the current she has been at least someone trying to help.

Most people say great work or congrats but have they put themselves out one bit knowing fully well I gotta pack move and get everything sorted in under 4 weeks and when you toss in the holidays that's actually only 3 weeks of actual time.

Nope only really her and the person I live with.

Some people might say well why don't you ask for help. At the moment I don't even know what the heck I need other than a vacation 😂

In short Tavi is an amazing person and I will miss sharing a residence with her.

Even worse where I found to rent doesn't even allow visitors ugh 😩 but it's a 6 minute walk to campus and with the lease I can petition for a parking permit with the city and park pretty much for free.

Trade-offs but it is sad knowing I will be relatively alone when it starts off.

Probably find the local scene a bit, join or start up a board game club at the college and also take a leadership position in my graduate class within the grad school.

Also one of the reasons that I even applied to this school they do lots of education for the community events and provide free health check ups and initial exams.

I know as a med student it is a way to "practice under supervision" so there is a benefit but I will enjoy and really push to do as many events as possible.

I don't believe healthcare should be gate kept so anytime they can use a trainee to assist I'm gonna be willing to jump in.

At this level the difference between an A and B is meaningless I wanna touch people's lives so anytime I get the chance to do that I will. I also think as much practical experience I can get will help me be a better provider from the jump.

I'm tired my final undergrad final is happening in 16 hours woah 😳 the end of an era.

🤡

I'm So Humble 😇🪷

Someone recently presented a counter to my pride in my accomplishments pointing out that maybe I could stand to be a tad more humble.

Yet, I am truly so humble!

I am the product of a rape to a a single junkie mom raised in section 8 houseing orphaned by the age of 16 homeless pennyless no family and if that didn't top it off throw in a Intersex disorder that nearly killed me if you meet me as a teenager as many did you'd expect I'd end up dead.

In-fact my guidance councilors used to tell me to be realistic in my goals that for me simply not being a drug addict was already a success.

One of the few people I thought believed in me an advisor at the highschool who got involved when I lacked family ended up telling me that the best thing I could do as a woman would be to find someone who could put up with me and willing to support me and ride him for all he's worth.

That's been the lack of faith and support I have endured so long. Yet this is ever more to me proof of the duality in this world when it comes to how women are treated.

A few of my accomplishments already -
Published poet, award winning poet, award winning artist, 4 degrees, worked in a research laboratory on addiction, presented undergraduate research on politic corruption in the wake of citizen united, Junior chess champion for my state, played in Carnegie Hall and Lincoln center offered scholarships to conservatory, a professional gamer for hearthstone winning national and international competitions ranked best female player on earth, ranked in the top 300 for magic the gathering and I can go on and on about things I have done.

But at the end of the day people still had some variation of well what does it mean your still a student or you might of had fun but no one cares how many degrees or games your good at your a poor nobody.

Finally I am gonna go to medical school get a doctorate be an administator / clinicianfor a hospital or clinic some day where I will easily clear 150,000 a year plus that's not including writing my life story and whatever sales and residuals so I might be worthless now but it's only a matter of time before I never have to worry about money again.

America loves to believe that someone can come from nothing and make it and for all the bullshit and how hard it is I am gonna be someone who did it. I beat the odds and it was never promised to me.

I suffered so much to get to my good fortune. I had nights where I didn't know where I was gonna eat or sleep because I was so poor and had no one who gave a damn and in not to many days I will have a surgical rotation in a hospital.

So if people think I'm not humble this is a them issue. I am just proud as fuck that no one gave a damn or believed and I made it. Whatever I have set my mind to I have achieved and I ain't gonna stop anytime soon.

"It's not a competition, but I'm winning."

You know what my mother told me when I broke the news to her? That's great but what does that gotta do with me?

And then she went on to bad mouth how the person I am currently dating isn't of the Catholic faith and changed me to be selfish as are the people of her faith.

Apparently getting tired of being endlessly generous to a parasite 🪱 and merely asking her to get therapy to work on her personality flaws is me changing for the worse.

Made her not even want to talk to me anymore which is good the feeling is mutual. So if you wonder why maybe I stand tall and have a sense of self worth confidence and pride because I got here all the while people kept trying to keep me down.

I got lucky anyone who gets a break has some luck but my optimistic commitment to work my ass off everyday while also being a genuine genius didn't hurt.

Anyone who wants to hate on it good. I hope I live rent free in your head and as I continue to kill it you never get the satisfaction of watching me go down.

"I've got it all and I'm gettin' more
But I never fall, beat 'em all
'Cause you know I'm so humble
I say that with no ego"

"Nobody, nobody been acting like nobody
But I don't wanna be nobody
It takes smart choices and dumb luck
That's why there's billionaire dumbfucks
Geniuses driving dump trucks
Suckers with Lexuses
Experts who won't make one buck
I've seen dreams die fast and wither slow
I've also seen 'em blooming where
They're not supposed to grow
And I've seen the ones I've planted and
Watched 'em blossom in the snow
Ask me if I'm dank?
(Are you dank?) Preposterously so"

I always will be the one an only me.

I was forced to go to med school 😥

People who have congratulated me for getting into medical school. I want to share how for me this is actually bittersweet.

I am not doing this because it is my personal love but I think needed for the queer community especially those most at risk trans and Intersex people.

When I was younger I was selected into a special program for performing arts in my highschool called PAVE. It was an arts highschool within the highschool you could opt into if you had the talent and passed an audition.

I would go to class early everyday before the school opened, stay late and train in the arts along with my other studies. I placed as one of the best bass youth players in NYSSMA.

The New York State School Music Association (NYSSMA) it held competitions for state orchestra n such.

I ended up playing Bass in Carnegie Hall Lincoln center and other venues in my teens.

Performed along side by side with peers going to juliard in fact one of the reasons I was so good is one of my friends became a pro musician with multiple albums currently.

He would often help me with my technique since we were in the same program and if I could learn the complicated Bass parts he could play piano which he preferred. So it was a win win. (Miss you drew.)

Even though I was offered spots in musical conservatory after highschool health issues related to my Intersex condition made it so I wasn't well and couldn't continue with my education at the time.

Then it happened I fell down the stairs and thought I broke my wrist went to the ER for treatment and thinking nothing of it I mentioned I am Intersex when filling out the initial paperwork.

I had multiple doctors inspect my vagina and tell me it's fine and they completely overlooked my wrist when I was begging them to help me since my wrist was in excruciating pain.

It is this and other issues that has caused me to have massive issues with pelvic exams to this day. Infact I have refused to do them for almost 4 years now or see a gynecologist at all. The trauma has made me uncomfortable with medical professionals around my private bits.

People especially other people with traditionally female bits have been trying to talk sense into me on this yet I have maintained that I honestly don't care if an unknown tumor or other issue develops and kills me - so be it. (Medical phobia is real especially from people abused by doctors)

I never felt so violated then that day in my life since I had trusted medical professionals until that moment.

I swore I would never be in that situation again and felt the only way I could protect myself was by being a medical professional so I could talk to them as a peer and direct my care to a degree.

So my original dreams, joys, natural talent, and interest got overwhelmed by me deciding that I had to take my intellect and force it to become an advanced healthcare provider.

My goal is to treat LGBTIQ+ people appropriately especially trans and Intersex people that have special needs and sensitivities and advocate for things to change by talking about how the system let me down and make recommendations on how it can improve.

This desire only got heightened when many of my trans and intersex friends shared there horror stories over the years at the hand of idiotic medical personnel.

But soon oh so soon I can be a licensed provider that will protect vulnerable people like me.

This whole thing is the result of an injustice done to me. A pivotal moment that just pissed me off enough to do something the Hell about it.

I can't wait till my schooling is over and I can find the time to go back to playing music for fun I miss having a performance bass.

The manufacturer I had make mine was upton bass in CT and they still have models going for only about 12,000. Maybe one day I will get to perform again. 🎶👩‍🎤

Bassist for life!

It's official I just got into Medical School.

I got into a Medical Schools Physician Assistant program one of the top in the country.

I have been working towards this for awhile and I did it my way without ever compromising.

I am fortunate for everyone who believed in me and supported me over the years.

No time to celebrate 🥂 finals week!

Best,
Ice

Trouble getting back to sleep 😪

Something on my mind. These numbers were from the recent report from the Trevor project regarding Intersex polling.

Forty-three percent of intersex LGBTQ+ young people who were subjected to conversion therapy reported attempting suicide in the past year.

Over half (55%) of intersex LGBTQ+ young people reported seriously considering suicide in the past year.

If people wonder why I tallk so much about mental health and wellness and try to raise awareness about Intersex conditions it is this situation I am concerned with.

I have personally known so many trans and Intersex people kill themselves or be harmed by bigots that it weighs heavy upon me.

One of my Best friends killed themselves in the very room I am typing this I invited them to live with me while they were going through stuff hoping that I could make the difference in there life and turn things around for them.

With the political climate as it is in the US and much of Europe getting even more anti trans and Intersex this is a quite scary time because I fear that we shall see even more death.

They typically rate of suicide is around 14 per 100,000. The fact that for trans and Intersex people it is so high happens to be one of the Greatest healthcare disparities in existence.

Yet it isn't being addressed and these communities are under even more political pressure and lack of access to healthcare or in some cases it is out right criminalized.

Please let the Intersex and trans people in your life know you want them to live. I am tried of seeing our loved ones die due to the bleak world that has crushed them.

Try to make a difference.

My girlfriend showed her inner sadistic nature.

Her child nephew wanted to play his new monopoly game for the holidays and he was so cute about.

She tried to swindle him out of his money with bad trades and I had to beg him to reason.

He eventually got tired of the nonsense and went to bed but that was when the real pain began.

She didn't even want to play so I thought it would be over however she had other plans.

Brought up the rule book on her lap top and then started to make us bid on his property dollar by dollar for nearly an hour.

I offered the draw since the reason we were playing a game neither of us liked was for the child.

But no she wanted to vring the pain for emotionally draining her in the first place by encouraging a game if monopoly.

Then it began as she slowly but surely just kept egging me on and I was in tears asking her if she loved me she would ket me out of this purgatory.

She said it's fine if you quit and ket me win but my obsession with winning and the fact we were in near even positions so she wasn't even that ahead I couldn't quit.

I mean she was probably favored but it is monopoly one bad roll she could lose and i had the green monopoly and the trains she had the red and purple so it wasn't a lost cause.

But we both hate Monopoly and I am tired I drove hours today to vist her and her family not to be a monopoly hostage.
Finally when i was in tears she pulled me close and even touched me inappropriately hy her sleeping mom and asked me if like monopoly now.

As I am writing she wanted to make sure I posted how she was licking my tears and told me it was her favorite part of the day.

She told me the only way it stops is if I say the safe word.

I have told everyone who played with my personal safe word is Zamboni I honestly can't remember the last time I have used it usually it's for others.

I mean I had someone almost hospitaliz me when they effed up with fire and I was whatever.

But this I couldn't do it for hours and hours monopoly has no end gate it could have been all night long and we both hate it so to offer us salvation I was willing to say the safe word and collapse in her arms crying.

Now we are in bed you could say why wouldn't I take the L in monopoly and just leave before it got this bad but I couldn't do it my odd to win were still to high to quit and I hate quitting when I have a winning position.

She keeps telling me I have signs of autism I don't know about that but this clearly obsessive compulsive tendencies.

I am exhausted I need to sleep she crushed me for real.

Remember to Vote!

Today is a test of morality, it is truly the first time in my life that I wonder if the American experiment could die in my lifetime.

American democracy helped kick off the French revolution and brought more nations out from under monarchs that once owned our ancestors.

For this act the French gave us the statue of Liberty which on it is written

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

We Americans have a chance to keep the dream alive. To show the world when a wanna be dictator attempted to come to power who doesn't understand what makes America great we collectively refused his advances.

Defend America at the ballot box, please and thank you.

Some thoughts about Ranma

The original anime ran from 1987-1996 and was quite popular during my youth. Many of my friends liked it very much and suggested it to me.

However, it hit very close to home. Since at the time, because I wasn't masculinizing during puberty, my family was bringing me to all sorts of doctors. I was being given testosterone and growth hormones, and then my body went and made me defy my parents wishes when I grew breasts and started having periods. This wasn't a fun time.

The abuse from my father got so extreme he actually lost custody around that time, and my mother—I will never forget her dragging me to doctors, trying to force them to remove my growing breasts over my protests. Yet in my own ignorance, I didn't fully understand that I was "biologically" female until my endocrinologist sat me down and explained the situation at 16. Thus the idea of a "boy" turning into a "girl" was sort of my life, and the reality is that not only was it not a joke, I blamed it for all my problems.

My family being abusive to me, the fact I had lost most my friends at school, the fact I went from popular to someone picked on and made fun of, hell, the fact that I had to undergo so many operations and initially be poor and helpless for years, the fact I didn't even know how to be confident.

During 13-18, I attempted suicide three times because of how much I hated my life and situation. I just didn't want to go through it anymore. But eventually something clicked, and I was like, well, just because my family set me up for failure and I didn't want to be a female. If this is the situation, how could being a female be worse than death? Besides, if I don't like it, I can always kill myself later. So the idea of someone having to go through something even remotely similar and play it for laughs just didn't sit right with me.

Yet Netflix started making a remake that dropped, and I was like, Well, what the hell? I will give it a try, and I find I have enjoyed it quite a bit. Which to me showed something that means a lot to me: that I am no longer bitter or sensitive about my condition.

You know, before my current girlfriend, I had a pretty firm no penetration rule. It wasn't because I hated having a female body or anything, but because I was sexually assaulted, so being penetrated just made me really uncomfortable. I don't know how she navigated the sensitive landmines, but she didn't waste much time finding out how to penetrate my heart and my body 👅.

I forget if it was the 3rd or 4th date, but she had me bent on all fours face down while being choked, hips elevated, and went to town. Granted, she kind of collapsed before she fully finished me off, but definitely made the case that I can enjoy getting fucked. Recently she said something I've been pondering.

I told her that I wasn't looking for her. I went 8 years without a girlfriend, and it's because I've just never been that sexually motivated. Then I told her about how the one girl I was engaged to and me started dating was because one day she literally beat me with a text book in class to make me remember her name, and then a couple of years later, when we went out to eat, which was a normal thing we did as friends, many times she told me we were dating.

I remember being like this isn't a date; we go out to eat all the time, and then she just grabbed me by the neck, kissed me, and sort of nibbled my lips, and then asked me, Does it qualify as a date now? I then kind of sheepishly said sure, and that was the beginning of one of my best friends becoming my lover for years. She was engaged to me but broke it off because she felt once I started to take the proper female hormones I became too soft and caring; she liked me more when I was manic and potentially dangerous.

The more tame calm me, she found a boring pushover and started to lose respect for me, so it was a good thing we didn't get married. She was really into power exchange, and she would have me crate her beat her consent, non-consent, have sexual encounters with her, and other activities. I just kind of did whatever she wanted, no matter what she asked. She was very open to anything that would please her. The one thing I put my foot down on was being degrading towards her—the thought of spitting on her, pulling out a chunk of her hair, and calling her trashy names. I couldn't go there; I was way too sensitive to want to treat someone I loved like that.

This is why it is a good thing we split up. What does this all have to do with the Ranma show? Being who I am both as a person and sexually took many years to feel comfortable with.

Intersex conditions overall might be roughly 1 in 200 by some estimates, but there are over 40+ conditions, and a specific one where a XY child grows a uterus and also won't masculinize is about 1 in 270,000 births.

Yeah, some intersex conditions are rare. I always felt like an anomaly didn't help that doctors tried to originally build a poorly functioning penis with false testicles at first and then finding out later surpise we actually have to undo that or you'll one day die since the pain you're feeling is the fact you can't shead your tissue properly.

I cannot describe how insane it was to have a doctor tell me my penis is fake and they gotta cut it off to save my life, and it makes sense anyway since I'm female. Like, people sometimes argue that I need to get my PTSD better under control because I have night terrors and flashbacks. Sorry that my insane life has scars embedded in my brain, but to be frank, it was the cost of survival. But finally I have started to be like, eh, you know, having a female body isn't so bad, and yeah, I might be a tad bizarre, especially since the first 13 years of my life I was raised hyper masculine, so all of this felt wrong and absurd most of my life.

Yet that's not me, my body, or how I feel about it now. In fact, I know genuinely that if I could have been born a normal male at this point in my life, I wouldn't want it even more surprising to me if I could restart my life and rather have a chance to be a female without all the toxic crap tossed in at first. Life for women is hard enough without your parents trying to force your body to masculinize and beating you both physically and emotionally for being a failure of a son.

I think the coolest thing in Ranma is it is showing me or helping me to cope with the fact that because of my unusual upbringing, I never have and probably never could fit in with most other people who have uteruses, be they any gender or sex. I also trained to become an intense martial artist and am so close to being a tomboy; if it weren't for my body being so clearly feminine, I doubt many people would assume I am female from how I behave. Thus the important aspect to me is finally finding peace, balance, and reconciliation with the fact I am unique, and that's okay.

I have a female body despite all odds, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying it, be it sexually or any other way. Additionally, the fact I was raised male didn't damage me or make me unfit for society; it actually made me intriguing. Sure, lots of people would never want to fuck with me, that's for damn sure 😊 That's a good thing who'd want to be with anyone who thinks my natural behavior is inappropriate.

People could think that my family messed me up, and that's fine. But I can find peace in feeling like I have the soul of a guy trapped in a female body that learns to love it. Like, why do I have to ever pick a side as far as my gender is concerned?

Sure, my sex is female; my health condition forced that hand, but being gender fluid/gender queer, that's just awesome 🌈 There are those people who would argue it was my family abuse that caused this, and I can't argue that isn't the case. But either way, this is where I am, and to be frank, it's the most peaceful in the situation I have ever made.

Not saying I am quite ready to go back and see gynecologists after the way I was treated. But I am now finally not uncomfortable with my body. What's wrong with feeling like I should have been a guy but due to my condition I ended up female?

What's wrong with having lived as a female now for over 24 years and having come to enjoy and prefer my body?

What's wrong with wishing my girlfriend would fuck me more often because I enjoy it?

None of these things are wrong; they are just different truths I have come to reconcile.

One of the things I really enjoy about the Ranma character is just how damn obnoxious he can be in both forms. At one point he was talking to his female girlfriend and mentioned how she isn't half as attractive as his female body and she needs to work on it or she will never get a man.

That cavalier dig and obnoxious confidence was something I wish I had when I was a teen. One day when me and a friend were going to New York City to hang out, I was wearing an unbelievably sexy tracksuit with a v neck so deep it practically showed my belly button and so tight that my hips and ass looked like a pixar girl, and as for the girls themselves, well, if it wasn't so tight, there would have been nip slips. Anyway, I was so drop dead sexually charged guys would stop cars to catcall me people would walk up and shoot their shot. Yet my female friend with me at one point in near tears told me that it's not fair how much more attention I get that she wishes guys would look at her the way they looked at me. I said I apologized, but it's not like I want the attention. My mom had been a model, my dad a football star. I am 5'8" and have blond hair, gray eyes, and F breasts, so yeah, I get lots of attention.

She said, Well, any guy you pick up, I'm going to tell them you were born a male, so hopefully when they beat you then you won't feel so pretty anymore. I was shocked. 😳 Um, you know that's not true. I wasn't born male. I am intersex, and the doctors tried to make me male, and it couldn't take.

How could you threaten me like that? She said it doesn't matter; I need to know my place; how I will always be a fake female and don't deserve any attention.

Moments like that shattered my confidence; they didn't build it. I wish I could go back and pull a Ranma and be like, Look, bitch, it's not my fault you look basic, and it's going to take a blind guy to want to prick you down since it's not just the appearance but your toxic attitude that makes you disgusting, and then walk away.

I wish I had more sass and self-confidence to own my body, to have taken pride in myself to not be self-hating or allow other people to be nasty towards me without any pushback, this is finally going to help me going forward get myself to be the best me that has ever existed.

Believe it!

Poll ! Does this behavior sound like I am furry.

I have never thought of myself as a furry before until someone close to me told me I am a furry the other day❗

I was shocked 😳 looking all confused ❓

The evidence...

My first sexual fantasy in my entire life was me as Lola Bunny having sex with buggs bunny. - I had always written this off as well at the time due to my Intersex condition I didn't even know I was female dispite developing a female body during puberty and Lola was safe to identify with and although kinda odd I mean she was hot and who doesn't love bugs Bunny?

Anyway I actually never had a pleasurable dream with me in a human form enjoying sex infact because I faced sexual abuse and I have night terrors about it. I actively don't have any dreams of me sexually as a human at all which aren't flashbacks of abuse.

Yet I have had pleasurable sexual dreams as a fursona wolf of mine, different pokemon, and of course lola bunny still to this day.

Also when I am in Pet mode or dressing up as a pokemon I am mostly nonverbal because Pikachu can only say their name dogs bark whimper excreta I try to keep true to the character.

My wolf 🐺 character can talk he's kinda a loner bad ass who takes no shit but kinda noble the closest is think wolf from the starfox universe but more of an anti hero like Logan instead of a bad person. He has a name but I don't share it with people.

Anyway moving on

My friend wanted to test something so they put on furry porn note I never watch porn because I am a demisexual and it does nothing for me. But furry porn wasn't as off putting as human porn.

I am by no means a prude I have had sex in a glass coffin in a public BDSM space. I just don't find people I don't have an emotional attraction to as attractive. Thus seeing randos have sex to me is utterly boring.

But animated Pokemon having sex was definitely less off putting but mostly neutral.

At one point my friend asked wait you seen one of these before they put it on?

I said of course don't you see how beautiful the animation is and what a delicate plot developed before the sexual encounter.

They were so amused - Wait no seriously let me get this straight you like furry porn for the animation❓

I said 'excited' yeah why isn't the use of shadows and building of deapth here so impressive. Great animation is always fun to watch.

They then started laughing at how absurd I sounded. I joked back "You keep saying I show signs of being autistic even though I was never diagnosed." So what's so hard to believe about what I am saying now.

They then said well you're definitely a furry that much is for sure❗

I was like really WOW 😳 I never thought so. Thus here I am opening it up to the Internet do I sound like a furry?

Like what even is a furry?

Does the things I stated above seem like furry evidence. Thanks for the feedback.

The oddest part about being a demisexual.

I went years without sexual interaction and it never even bothered me at all genuinely was starting to wonder if I was asexual.

But then I met my girlfriend and it's been kinda rough. I am so unbelievably passionate for her anytime anywhere is a mild understatement.

What's even more embarrassing is that at times I get so excited even just cuddling I have to wear period panties ir she throws a towel under me because my body won't stop juicing.

Shes been sick lately so not interested yet I can't help the fact my drive for her still exists. I wish like a light switch I could turn it off but I genuinely find her so attractive.

One of the curses of how my demisexual nature plays out is everyday I love her and find her more attractive not less.

Every struggle we overcome each special moment to me makes our relationship more exciting not less.

I think this might be my ultimate downfall in being with a non demisexual most people tire or get bored of the familiar. Yet for me it's like I found me favorite thing and can't get enough and that fact it already took my lifetime until bow to find them I don't wanna waste another moment.

You can see why my fursona she sees me as puppy general overcome with enthusiasm. Sometimes it makes me sad when she askes me to get up and I'm so excited to finally interact with her I can be a bit much.

Like oh wow geez she's gonna interact if I had a tail it would be wagging uncontrollably.

Yet often enough it's like hey your a bit much now can you tone it down.

Ugh 😫 it's like the most exciting thing has happened your awake and now I get to interact and your cranky how could you be cranky it's alive and do stuff time!

Did I mention I have ADHD.

Randomly runs around in a circle ⭕ before hopping on the bed.

Eh maybe I just should be alone this level of excitement for someone I love seems to me too much. 😭